Purple, Swirly, Smoky Clouds of Dreams!

I'm upset. I want to be rich! I want to be an influential, powerful person! Maybe I should learn to spell influential first. (I cheated with spell check. I was spelling it with a "c" instead of a "t".)

It draws me in so strongly. (I was watching the anime Ouran High School Host Club. *sigh* That's why. And I won't concede that that's a silly reason. It was beautiful, I almost cried.)

I'm also upset that I'm never going to be anything in life and I've failed at everything and I have to start completely over. Of course, this isn't true, but I feel sad because I'm twenty-one, and I haven't done well in college. From the standpoint of someone else, this is truly a bad thing. I keep looking at it from that standpoint.

How can you be rich and influential if you're not born into one of those rich families with a huge amount of ... I dunno, history?, or even better, business skills where they do everything right and gain a ton of wealth simply by their smart-ness? Smart-ness, I mean, plus all that great charisma and friend-making skills. I suppose you have to be really confident, too.

I was just thinking... everybody likes music, but what is the most you can do with it? It's a valuable skill, but teaching music is still just teaching music. It's not a skill where you have to have to have a lot of intelligence... I think... I think it's really easy.... I just... I don't know if it's as deep as some things I wish I could do as a career. But I don't know how I could do anything else, not with my past.

I'm depressed. About this, not life in general. :) I know I'm being silly and vain. I don't want to be like this. But I want to do something really big. I can't settle for being one in the masses of all the people on earth.

You know why it bothers me to think of how big the world's population has gotten? Because it makes me SMALLER! It's very selfish, but it's exactly what I'm thinking. It makes me mad that I think that, but at the same time, I want to relish the feeling of irritation at feeling small. I'm tired of feeling small, and I want to fight back. But it's so selfish, to fight for a place in the world on only that notion. Is that really my only motivation?

If I think about it like "it bothers me to be smaller than other people", it's easy to acknowledge that the way to solve this problem is to think of other people as equal to me. Once I do that, I immediately feel better. It's okay, I realize to myself. I don't have to make money or get some prestigious job to make myself feel special. We're all the same.

BUT WE'RE NOT ALL THE SAME!!! Isn't it just me, consoling myself for my boring-ness, when I try to equalize all people in my mind? To make myself feel equally as cool as those people who I admire, because they're "not any better than me"?

I don't know how to solve this problem, except to do my best in the world, and stop thinking I have to become some leader of something.

Anyway, none of these things are really unattainable. I have no idea what I'm capable of yet! And why? Because I haven't tried yet! That's why I can't answer this question... or "solve this problem", like I said above... because I don't know the future. I'm worrying over something I can't predict. I need to become the best at whatever I CAN. If that means I should start with piano, then I will. I must enjoy life as much as possible, while doing my best, and FORGET REGRETS.

Something else. I'm downplaying a career choice (piano) when I say it's not worth going for just because it's "easy". But that's not the point. Just because it doesn't require chemistry doesn't mean music is "easy"!!! It's very difficult, what am I talking about?! There's ninth-chords and improvisation and complex other things I don't know about! Not to mention TEACHING, which is an entire OTHER field. Teaching is a valuable profession, and I already know I'm good with kids. I've got to get off this kick. My career path is perfect for me. Slowly, slowly, I'll stop bringing this up, hopefully, until I don't doubt myself so seriously.

The other night (I was getting ready for bed) and I thought, I'm going to do it. All I have is what I enjoy. I obviously can't be a doctor, because if I don't want to do it, it's going to be just about impossible for me. I can do something that I enjoy, however. I want love. I want to find a place to live that is beautiful, and to be happy wherever I am, because it's my home. I want to be able to support myself with a paycheck and be happy with the amount I get. I should include piano. I think piano is a dream of mine, but much more subconscious. (The piano is so beautiful to me, I am afraid of it.) I think I want to write, too. And read! And enjoy life. And... explore the world.... So I'm going to become a pianist, and I'll perform, teach, or compose. And I'm going to learn Japanese, and go to Japan. I'm going to do my best. I have to, if I want to reach ANY of these dreams-- I have to. Like Ichigo says. I'll use my anime, and my Bible (a new habit... um... a not yet formed habit) to inspire running for these dreams, and my drive to touch them, and to take them into my hands, and keep them. And then those dreams will inspire me to find even more dreams.

Ha. I don't have to have just one!