Hey. I made it to the library. Actually made it!!!

I am too distracted by the rest of the internet to type a post :)

I typed this in first period, when I was supposed to be typing. Following the rules.

Monday, May 13, 2013 09:08:55

I cannot focus right now. I would like to sleep but I'm not sure it's allowed. I will use this as my blog entry, if I can ever get through this situation without falling asleep eternally. Anyway, I am just plain sleepy. What did I dream about last night?

I think Michael was there, but he is a lot lately. I have been dreaming about ... no, that's not what I was going to say. But yes, I do dream about Michael. Usually he is there in person, with some kind of dream-like events going on, and I don't really remember exactly what happens.

But what I was going to say (before I interrupted myself) was that I have been thinking about our relationship lately. It's hard to even describe what I mean because I don't k know what words to use :) Because I don't do stuff like this very often. Argh. :) But anyway, it makes me nervous that ... when a guy desires a girl and she isn't ready to share everything with him, what can she do? I told my roommates this feeling, and I was feeling mad, so I said something funny: "It's not damn fucking time!!!"

They thought that was funny, and for some reason they kept repeating it over and over. And only thirty seconds into this did I realize what I had just said, and I started laughing like a maniac and it made me feel a lot better for about five minutes.

But that is still how I feel—sex doesn't come first. Or does it? What does God want me to do about this? I think if I do some more reading I will understand a bit better. But I really don't know. I wish I could have some Mark Gunger DVDs and my "I kissed dating goodbye" book, plus I can read other books I've got in my bookcase. Bokcase. Anyway, I am confused and wishing.

'Cause I don't understand what it's like to be a guy. I don't have an immediate interest like he does, I mean, I guess. Why did God make it this way? I know that it would probably be weirder if both guys and girls had the same kinds of sexual needs and sexual workings. I mean, if we felt the same about it, then we would be more the same and the whole fun of it is that we're not the same. It's very interesting. Sometimes when I analyze the relationship between God and the church I understand things better, even sex. I'm not sure how to analyze this productively.

Heh heh heh. If one was to productively analyze sex, you might do so by producing babies.

Okay, then. So anyway, I have a ridiculous satisfaction in typing stuff onto a page like this. Typing is a very useful and interesting way of communicating. It is so impermanent, yet can be made permanent. I seriously think I have something weird in my arm that is causing pressure on a nerve, and although it doesn't really hurt, it feels weird and moreover I wonder if I should be worried about it or not.

CANCER OF THE ARMPIT!!! No seriously. I have breast cancer in my shoulder-armpit underarm area. Okay not really. But possibly. I should probably do something about it. I may just have multiple sclerosis. I mean at this point I'm starting to feel confused.

But getting pinched nerves doesn't mean anything, right?

Ugh.

It's not fair. I have wishes and strong feelings too. I can't pretend to put those feelings up there, equal in line with his, but I wish I could. I don't know. My emotional needs are strong, and I'm not sure if one could compare those to physical needs and say that they're very similar. I barely even know what I'm talking about. If I have questions, I can't just ask them, not anything I want, because it wouldn't always be appropriate. Well, it doesn't help how I've never had sex, and he has, so it's easier for him to wish for it, I think, than for me to wish for it. MY line hasn't been crossed. So the waiting period is simpler, or easier. This is the reason for waiting until marriage. Because being a virgin makes the before period more seem more sensible.

Marrrrgin flaargin!!!

Conclusion: this is not my problem, nor is it my fault. I am totally interested in learning more about Michael and figuring out how to make things easier for him, but it's not my fault he went and had sex a bunch without me. So fuck it.

I'm not fucking anybody until marriage.

That's it.

So freaking dammit I have dandruff.

Now I have to put "explicit content" on my blog if I want to post this.

It's okay, though, since I really feel like this a lot more than I let on.

Damn it.

Uh, I guess since I can't access my blog from Job Corps it will be a little hard to fix the explicit content. Oops! :/

Hey, God, help me out with this. Remind me that I have to do some studying, and that I need to talk to you constantly. Be my breath. Wake me up and lead me through the dreamworld. I'm not ready for this without you. Amen.

Japanese stuff

私は日本語が大好き！そして、ジャスティンも！クシュクシュ：）

 

Translation: I love Japanese! Also Michael! *kushu kushu* (crying noises) ：）

So la de dah.

Hi there. I am typing for class. It is 8:18 in the morning, on Friday. I am wearing a weird dress and shiny shoes. I am very itchy. I don't know why. My arms itch and my legs itch. Argh.

 

 

Also, my phone died.

 

 

So mah foo de deh doh. Eek, I absolutely must stop thinking about how itchy my leg is. Also, why do I keep typing let instead of leg?!

 

 

Wow, talk about itchy. Itchy itchy itchy!!!!! Argh!

 

 

Maybe... I'm allergic to something?

 

 

...THAT'S IT! I didn't take any Zyrtec last night, whereas usually I take it every night.

 

 

Aaaarrrrgh. I know that this really isn't your problem, and it doesn't affect you, but still. It is soooo incredibly frustrating. I feel like I need to take my skin off. Or run around in circles and jump up and down! Screaming would be satisfying as well!!!

 

 

AAAARGH soooooo iiiiiiitchyyyyyyyyyy!! @ ! @ # $ ! @ # @ #$&#^*^)( @ #$$^&(*)#$ @

 

 

K then. I'm running down to the bathroom to slather myself with lotion.What is wrong with me?!

I'm in FAB class.

I'm just typing a quick little note. This is fun to do. I am listening to a song from the anime 黒神 （くろかみ・Kurokami）. It is called Irodor no Nai Sekai, but I don't know how to write that in Japanese.

 

 

Isn't that cool? !! My gmail account has... the ability... TO WRITE IN JAPANESE!!

 

 

I am not able to do that on this computer normally. I am writing from my computer at work! Well, it's really school, or you could say "training". I am having fun here. THIS IS JOB CORPS. (Say it like "Job Core"...) Like... THIS IS SPARTA. Except Job Corps! (Say Job Core. I hope you're getting this:)

 

 

Anyway, I have a Hello Kitty desktop picture. It is pretty fun to have. I really enjoy Hello Kitty lately. Can you guess why?

 

 

Well, I bought a DS when I was just starting to learn Japanese. Actually, it was probably a year after I started watching anime, but still, my DS has helped me learn a lot. I bought a nifty dictionary program from Japan, (actually I used Amazon or Ebay, something like that...) and I bought an American program by Princeton University that teaches you Japanese. I forget what it's called... um... Anyway, that one is really cool.

 

 

But, my point is, a few months ago, like maybe five months, I went to a Christmas party and received a white elephant gift, which had a Hello Kitty DS game in it. And I am now, well I wouldn't say "obsessed", but at twenty-three years it's weird enough. I think Hello Kitty is cute and I like to have Hello Kitty things. I really don't have that many of them, but my point is that I really enjoy Hello Kitty and I'm kind of a dork about it.

 

 

I need a better word than "dork". I don't really fancy whales, see. People who are fat is different. I mean actual whales is what I don't fancy. Anyway, I'm going to move on from this subject!!

 

 

Have you ever seen the anime Seven Ghost? Also 07 Ghost, or セブンゴースト（せぶんごーすと・Sebun Gousuto）. I was listening to a long from that, but now it's switched to Today's the Day, by Aimee Mann, and that song is featured on Enough, which is a good movie with Jennifer Lopez. I like it. But I have to go now. Byebye!

Origin vs Independence

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Cara Lowing <cara.lowing@gmail.com>
Date: Wed, May 8, 2013 at 7:03 PM
Subject: Origin vs Independence - 4 30 13
To: cara.lowing.3iuxdoublerainbow@gmail.com

I think the reason people think natural disasters come from heaven, or an angry god, is because of the time when God sent a flooding rain. I mean the great flood in the Bible. He was angry; that is true. Even more, he offered them a way to be saved but they choose a different path... So if a human has the power to make choices that influence stuff like that, in a way, cataclysmic events CAN be affected by us. Really, being offered a saving path is something that you choose because you have to, because you want to be saved and it is your only choice. Pride, on the other hand, gets in the way for no good reason. I mean really, no good reason. What good does your reputation do you when you're dead? What were you thinking, that it would be too embarrassing to live on, but existing in the debt of another? Were you hoping you could exist on your own, and survive through your own merit? That would be possible if you survived on your own merit in the first place, but we have never existed without help from heaven. We exist because heaven exists; maybe more accurately we exist because God exists. Life has to come from somewhere. What were you thinking, that life comes from you? You are not self-sustaining. Many scientists realize this when they look at molecular and atomic structure, the body systems (especially the reproductive systems) and the overall design of the universe and the stuff in it.

If science doesn't get to you, does anything in life bother you, where something doesn't seem right? It doesn't add up, this life.

It's kind of like the Matrix, except machines can't explain the big bang. Which, by the way, is a load of.... never mind. I haven't researched this enough to tell you the big bang theory is as silly as I think it is. But there are people who have researched it. :)

Anyway, how did I get onto this topic?

Independence and origin should be considered two different things. Because origin is bigger than independence. Who are you to say that you don't like the idea of a God creating you? That you want to be your own person? Where do you get off, being such a stuckup? Use your brain and explain this to me. What makes you think you're so big that you created yourself? Be your own person, that's fine. But to say that you don't need anybody elses' help, ever, now that's ... mmhmm. It's not just denying God, it's denying the human race and the friendship and love connections we have inside it. I'm not sure which one you consider most important :) but either way YOU SUCK! Heh. I am not convincing, so sorry.

Anyway, thanks for reading. I'm stuckup too, in case you can't tell. I love you!

YAY~!

It worked!!! I'm so incredibly excited! Yay. Yay!

 

I have been really wanting to post lately and now I have a way to journal. Unfortunately for you, (I mean, I guess I don't know exactly how you feel, but...) me journaling means that I will be making a huge mess of everything on my blog and nothing will make any sense! What I mean to say is that everything is slightly random when it comes directly out of my brain, through my ears, and into type. But even so, I will try to write efficiently and concisely as if I was trying to get a message to someone. Still, it is quite hard!

 

I am also worried that my posts may not be completely anonymous. I want them to be, because that way my posts are always a secret from people connected to me in the real world, meaning I am free to write my true feelings and express what has been happening to me as of late, but I dunno if I have made that possible if people know where my blog is :) oh well. I can only do so much.

 

Ah, well. Right now, as of this moment, I am in class and posting illegally. What I mean by that is I am supposed to be "working". Today I am required to finish a certain amount of assignments before four o'clock, so even though typing is good practice, it is time that I begin education of the microsoftic study.

 

Heh heh heh, no, they do not really call it that. I will write more about how I'm organizing my life and what I am doing and what is happening to me later, probably this evening.

 

Yay! I'm posting to my blog...

 

I am posting to my blog...

 

<3

Hello there!

I am posting this from my email. It is really a kind of tester. I don't know what is going to happen!!! See, I have a sort of problem with the internet. I am in Job Corps. Do you know what that is? (Say "Job Core".) From my side of it, it's kind of a school. It reminds me of university. My campus is a pretty awesome one.
 
But the main problem is that a lot of our internet is blocked. For instance, we don't have access to Facebook on the computers here. The only way to access the normal internet is to take a computer with you and go to town, where you can use wireless, or go to the library or someplace like that.
 
So what I'm trying to say, is... I haven't had access to my blog in a while! It doesn't help that my computer, my baby Dell computer (I'm sorry, all you Dell-haters) has died. Not literally, but it doesn't know how to breathe, or something, because I can't get it to load the operating system and the computer geek department here (ahem, Computer Service Technicians) have told me that all I can salvage is the hard drive.
 
But I have recently fixed up blog posting from email! I'm hoping that this will not be an epic fail of a post; I wouldn't mean my email to reach a real person. That would be funny, but...
 
Anyway! Let's see if this works!
 
Love, Cara