Listening. クリスマス。 Doing Better.

So, last night I talked with my Dad again... but guess what?

I.

Listened.

EEEEK!

Well I guess I don't care about the listening much as part as that I

Did.

Not.

Cry.

I did not feel overly-pressured. I --

could.

handle.

it.

Without arguing.

Well, not too much. X)

Basically, my Dad was telling me that this week, I HAVE to focus on looking for jobs. This week. Well? It doesn't freak me out too much. I want to do it.

Usually, not arguing is hard for me because it's fearfully difficult for me to deal with pressure, so I make excuses, but also, he talks for a long, detailed, time, (saying things I disagree with) making me want to interrupt all the more. So I listened to his orders, which he is very careful to explain in DETAIL like he has many times before, and I told myself over and over that it's okay and he's right and that I sincerely agree BUT also that I have my own plans. That I'm not plan-less and opinion-less and that I am mature and grown-up and that I will succeed.... And kinda contrary to his opinion, that my dreams are worth something big.

After that ordeal, which wasn't much of an ordeal in comparison to other similar situations :) ...
I realized I had been wearing on my head my Claire's (accessories) silver princess crown, the whole time I was talking with Dad.

LOL. Haha. Oh well.

We ended the conversation on my own statement! Actually I do that a lot anyway :) (I'm kind of a stubborn snobby daughter) And I said, "I just don't want to be treated badly because of my past actions anymore." Or something like that. Maybe not a very nice thing to say, and certainly it's asking for a lot (too much?) but I need to think better of myself now.

So what am I doing about this? Well, my plans are to get my life organized and be at peace with everything that goes on in it. I don't want to be monumentally worried all the time just because I'm not controlling my own actions. That means I want to get IT together. That means I want to get a job. It's on the list. Metaphorically.

The best way to put it is that I'm working on scheduling myself. I am customizing my planner and making a sort of weekly schedule with activities like piano, Japanese, job-searching, volunteering (piano playing), house-cleaning and singing (for example). I will make short term (daily) and longer term goals, backed by reasons. I also am using Textfugu's cool method of making a list of excuses for why I should quit, which I can use to remind myself that those excuses are retarded. Eh. I mean misguided.  Also, I'm making goals for each day; basically, I assign myself tasks, which I complete by doing them regularly as habits or "traditions".

I have yet to get myself organized, but that's the idea I'm going for.

I've also started translating stuff all over the place. I've restarted Shugo Chara / しゅごチャラ！ without subtitles :) !

And, today I watched the first episode of Kamikaze Kaitou Jeanne / 神風怪盗ジャンヌ (Divine Wind Phantom Thief Jeanne is the long translation).

And for both those animes, I usually stop and write out the song lyrics in kana and kanji, working toward pronunciation, then understanding it or translating it to English. I learn a lot of new words this way, and I remember them best because I'm not bored and I can connect it to lifelike stories which I love.

One more thing I'm doing is listening to my audio CDs of the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. (amazon) (zondervan) It's useful (...so far...) and has lots to do with my issues with being myself naturally, standing up for opinions, and especially deciding where my boundaries are so I don't have to worry about my responsibilities so much.

I'm thinking of where I stand. There are SOME things I DO NOT need to change about myself (for other people). Also, there are influences of others that I can IGNORE; by which, I mean there are things I can stop worrying about.

Haha... well, it's kind of like I don't care about others' feelings as much. That sounds awful, but it was putting a lot of strain on MY emotions... plus my life isn't going well at all, career/education-wise, so if I don't change something about myself there's not much point in my existence (I only mean that theoretically and also a bit dramatically).

Anyway, it's 11:00 and I've got to get out of my room to clean house. We've got the housekeeper (I like to say "maid" X) coming today and ironically, we clean up before she gets here at 12:30. Haha.

No, maybe that's not ironic, silly me, how else can she clean the counters and floors under the enormous amount of clutter and Christmas decoration Rubbermaid containers and cardboard boxes?

Hee hee SO! here is how to spell Christmas in Japanese!

クリスマス 

Which you say like this: "Ku-ree-soo-mass" (pronounce the syllables lightly, and clipped.) If you like romaji better, it looks like this: "kurisumasu"

Well, anyway, that's probably right. Source: myself. Not anybody Japanese. I'm an authority, can't you tell? No, I'm not. That's sarcasm.

And here are some snowflakes for Christmas. ✢ ✣ ✤ ✥ ✱ ✲ ✳ ✴ ✵ ✶✻ ✼ ❄ ❅ ❆ ❉ ❊ ❋
✽ ✾ ✿ ❀ ❁ ❃ ❋

Standing Up for Myself-- BEING ME

I think I've been going wrong about my... main problem.

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[   problem update:

1. depressed + anxious; on zoloft

2. unemployed / bum / irrationally low confidence

3. parents with their own ideas

4. parents who voice these ideas

5. parents with total lack of encouragement in my dreams because the dreams don't make sense to them

6. my dreams really do seem impossible
7. and to top it off, I have yet to prove I can reach these dreams   ]
- * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - *
ADVICE
I shouldn't have said so often to Mom that I don't want advice. I do want her advice. Her advice is not my problem. I just need to tell her : please don't criticize my interests. These interests I have a hard time expressing without her discouragement include anime, my dreams such as becoming a pianist, an interpreter and translator, and a wife of a man who possibly does not live in my home country. As the subject comes up, I will say appropriate things like, "please don't critisize my love of anime. It's an old subject, and my anime-interest is equally time consuming as are my other hobbies." Also I can say, "I am determined to succeed in the career of my dreams with you and Daddy as my support system." Usually I just tell her I don't want to talk about it. Now I'm going to have a better answer.


WHAT I'M DOING WRONG IS: I'M NOT BELIEVING I CAN DO IT
Out of the various problems I have while living here in my parent's house, along with my brother Teddy, and Allison and her son, the number one issue I have is caving to my parent's advice. I am very influencible. Why?  ONE: I don't believe in myself. I've got to be more confident.

And, well, maybe because I don't have a plan-- where there's a goal at the end and steps I'm going to take along a timeline-- and that makes me opinionless about my own life.

Basically I need to stand up for myself more often. I need to make more hard-core decisions. When I don't know what to do, I think hard about what I do want, and I decide. It's not about what others think. I know myself better than anyone else. Even more, I have good intuition about myself. This is because my mother taught me confidence. But I need to use my confidence, instead of letting the advice I hear from my family, including my mother) dissuade me.

In the end they will be happy if I am successful, but I WILL include them in my success, instead of walking away from them in order to succeed.

Just because they doubt me doesn't mean I need to give up on them.

Good, aye? Usually this is the part where the kid leaves his parent's house in a huff. But I'm not going to be angry at them for not trusting me. My forgiveness is partly due to the fact that their distrust makes sense.


THIS IS HARD
I feel really sick and awful. My dad just came in my room, JUST NOW as I was writing, with one of his attitudes, like "no argument, listen to me without responding, and only accept what I have to say, then take action exactly how I want you to"
They think I'm watching anime constantly. I watched about an hour today while exercising, and this evening a little before bed. Quite an addiction, don't you think? Would they rather I walk away from this "addiction" as if I have the strength to throw out my manga and DVDs and never touch videos on the internet again-- avoid my "addiction" until I burst and go back to it like a crazy person? Or should I learn to control it, like I'm doing now, monitoring my emotions, thinking, and feeling, like a living, breathing woman of courage, creativity, and music?

I also spoke with my counselor and had a wonderful session, feeling beautiful and confident and ready to look for a job within the next two days, bursting with ideas and belief in myself.

But my parents, who are worried, impatient to the point of explosion, have lost trust in me, and think I am a lazy, emotionally-uncontrolled bum, insist on trying to force me to change my habits and decisions by telling me I have to because this is their house. Even though it's been only a week since we talked about my job-getting plan, and I am already making progress on it just like planned.

STANDING UP
I'm going to be angry with my self and my situation, and use that power to do what I need to.

For a year, I've done nothing but sleep, feel depressed, get into massive arguments with my parents and little brother, half-heartedly play piano less than once a week, watch loads of TV, gain twenty pounds, pretend I want to learn Japanese, cut off contact with all my close friends or who I've ever met, and NEVER leave the house.

But now-- NOW! After a bit of counseling, pills, personal growth, and a lot of thought and journaling... I volunteer. I LEAVE THE HOUSE. I dress up, wear makeup, and perform like a professional on a to-die for Bösendorfer (fancy German piano) in a architecturally beautiful hospital famous for its healthcare.

I've also almost finished a resume that I've had edited by a professional who has worked with a lot of college students and kids looking for jobs.

I have plans to look for a job this week. I am working on my study ethic and creating good habits and goals for my life. I feel more serious than I ever have before. And God is going with me. He says so. He will give me strength. I'm going to keep praying. I need his help for sure....

I AM AFRAID BUT I WILL DO IT ANYWAY
I might cry after this decision. But I'm not going to give up anymore. I know what I want. I'm going to really try. I'm not going to change my decisions and habits anymore, I'm going to make decisions based on what I want to do. My mother and father are amazing people. I have their genes. I am their daughter. They taught me respect, responsibility, and LOVE. I like who I am. So. Now, I'm going to be that person.

To my beloved mother and father: I love you. Now trust me. Allow me the freedom to be the adult I am, and the adult I will become, and I will show you what I can do.

God is going with me. He says so. He will give me strength. I'm going to keep praying. I need his help for sure.... forever  ; )

Doesn't give up! Cara goes North.

Quick update: 1. my daddy had ANOTHER conversation and this post is about me dealing with that.  2. Naruto Shippuden is GOOD! 3. I am losing weight! (That's positive. I've been trying to.)

Okay. So what do I have to do when I feel distracted? --and that's all this is-- I'm distracted by my embarrassment or shame when I have one of those "conversation"s with daddy. So, all I need to do is turn away and look at something else.

I can focus on piano, studying, and getting a job. In the end, that's the answer! If I focus on the negativity, I won't be able to do exactly what I need to in order to get RID of that negativity.

Talk about spiraling. Definitely... I need to be positive and encourage myself in order to REFOCUS.

REFOCUS!!!! Here I goes. God, please go with me and strengthen me. I need your help! Let's do this together. Help me make the right decision. You want me to go to Japan, right? And be a piano teacher and stuff? Or... something... Ha...   ; )

Argument idea: BOUNDARIES!

Dear God, 

Today after 3:15pm Dad and I had another fight. Are you surprised? Haha, well I don't know if you are or not. But I shouldn't be. Even so, I don't expect stuff like this to happen, even though it has before.

Well, lately this weekend I've been thinking about how it's easier not to worry about other people's problems. I grew up thinking that I needed to help others, not in an obligatory-kindness sort of way as much as a I-don't-know-my-boundaries sort of way. I see this situation or that situation going on, and because I do have my own opinion (naturally it pops into my head) about what the person in the situation could do, I believe I should offer it. I think it's because I like to solve problems, and fix things.

For example, if my Teddy and I have a violin performance at church, I might practice the piano accompaniment and ask Teddy to come and practice his part with me. When he's busy, which he often finds a way to say "I haven't finished homework," he can't come downstairs. I get easily mad about this because I'm impatient and I want to practice because a) it's fun and 2) the performance is close and we need to practice eventually.

But it turns out, if I leave him alone, he might have problems with the performance, but I can still practice enough to be ready. Of course I want the piece to sound finished and polished when we perform, but I can't take Teddy's problems and make them my own. It's horribly stressful for me (I cry about it, because it's angering). Even more, Teddy is one of the stubbornest people who exist, and this situation is exactly the type in which he will rebel and only get stubborner. So I can't do anything.  My anger and crying is NOT caused by Teddy! He is free to practice with me or not. His choice is not abnormal, and the feelings I have could have been prevented.

I could have prevented it by staying inside my boundaries. When I do that, I quit bothering Teddy. I used to bother him to no end (I was thinking pleading and ordering and scolding and yelling would make him do what I wanted) even though it just made him madder. But really, the only result was that I felt worried and upset at my failure, and Teddy was really mad and even felt bad about being yelled at.

This example is exactly what Dad is doing to me! But beyond that, since I am the "Teddy" of the situation, I know that I need to keep my boundaries too. It is possible that this won't solve the problem with my Dad. I WILL feel sad and of low-confidence because I'm being yelled at. But I CAN know for SURE that retaliating against Daddy's attack will not help. If I look at my boundaries and how I used them in my argument with him today, I realize something!

Here's what it is.  My dad is telling me something that is important to him. He's worried that I need a job in the future, so he wants me to get started on it immediately. I CAN'T change the fact that he wants to tell me these things. I'm afraid I can't stand the pressure he's putting on me, so I stand up for myself-- BUT that's stepping out of my boundaries. Instead of arguing back, I need to stay inside my boundaries.

Actually, I think I'm being a bad example to him by retaliating-- by doing what he's doing-- getting in his business and ordering him around, while he's ordering me around.

This is hard for me, though, because I feel like I've got to stand up for myself because Dad is trampling on my emotions. But it looks like he will do it no matter what, and his stubbornness will allow him to continue trampling until he is aware that I have listened or gone and done what he wants with true action. So if I go outside of my boundaries and allow myself to tell him to change his approach, I am trying to change him as well.

It's not losing to admit defeat in this situation. It's standing up for my idea of boundaries-- in order for him to leave me alone, I need to leave him alone, even if that means I get yelled at, and he WILL yell at me no matter what I do anyway.

Ultimately, being independent is not defined by myself getting everyone around me to leave me alone so I can do it myself, but by doing it myself EVEN THOUGH they're "not allowing" me to be independent. SO in that way the best display of independent strength is TO BE INDEPENDENT when they're continuing to worry for me and therefore causing me to feel dependent. If I can be independent even in this situation, then I can save myself. It's up to me; if I forget that and blame anything on someone else, I will lose this battle with myself.

[later edit: when I read this with a different perspective, I suddenly feel like this: "aw that's so PATHETIC! Why am I acting like any of this is ever anyone else's fault? Saying that they're MAKING me dependent? They can't do that! THAT is an example of my blaming my own actions on someone else." Right in the moment, when they're worrying for me, the emotions I feel are very deep and very real. They push their worries about my life onto me when I may not need those emotions. They are making judgements about my life and not trusting me. And perhaps I am not trustworthy, but there is also a chance that I AM trustworthy. Appearances through others' eyes do not determine truth, so it is foolish to assume that someone who feels this way needs to just BUCK UP and fix their own life. And, everyone makes mistakes. This is not the time to criticize myself for being affected by others' worries. If I have trouble making decisions when others intrude, then that is how it is and I need to remember that I am not foolish for being frustrated. Although I've concluded I must deal with their intrusiveness passively and independently while recognizing boundaries, I will NOT belittle my emotions in my own mind, because--when I do, I'm forgetting how it felt and how real they were. If my parents are bothering me with their worries, I am allowed to be bothered regardless of the actions about those worries.]

Haha so confusing.

God, thank you for your inspirations, and please help me to follow these ideas in the next communication I have with my parents.

K... the basic idea is that I must be independent, regardless of others' influences and dependable worrying. I have to stay in my boundaries and do what is possible to take care of myself, and only what I'm able to do when communicating, without trying to change others' ideas. BOUNDARIES.

!!!

Talking with my Dad.

I'm going to write to God today. Usually I write to my readers, but I don't really know how many readers I have and who they are, so I'm pretty bad at being communicative in their direction. So instead, when you read this, you can observe a prayer-conversation-something or other to the person I think created the universe (and did it because he wanted people to love and talk to). 'Course God is listening all the time anyway, so I really write to you also.

Dear Jesus,

Well. I just came downstairs from talking with Daddy. I am super upset after that, mostly feeling bad about myself, and even though technically I don't need to feel pathetic or crushed, I still do.

My situation has changed since earlier, whenever that was, like this: I lost my job, which I really was okay with because I didn't like it, but I didn't have any ambition to get a new one right after. I was in school then, also. But you know? I didn't do very well! Even though I was studying theory, I didn't turn in all the assignments because I let myself get overwhelmed and didn't prepare, and so I got behind and then I was scared to try and fix it. Can you help me out next time? I will prepare myself to let you take away my fear. You can strengthen me, I don't have to do it all myself. I'm sorry for being so silly.

I'm actually in a different frame of mind now - I want a job.

A month ago, before September began, somebody would ask me about my job searching progress and I didn't want to talk about it because I couldn't even face it myself-- avoiding it inside my own mind. But slowly, as my dad's "Sept. 1" deadline passed, I became motivated to do it on my own, and I actually wanted a job. I thought about how much school would cost and how I actually had a desire to make money. I haven't felt this way in a year, and the feeling continues, not just a short-term thing. This feeling WILL continue until I get a new job. I am ready now. So I'm applying online right now, and after I go through the government jobs available and any other options online, I'm going to look in the shopping center near my house. So I do have concrete plans. (I have to convince myself of this :)

I think Daddy knows I'm in a different frame of mind now, that I'm trying harder, more seriously. But he's still impatient. His impatience weighs on me. He has a very powerful worry muscle. I don't need his worry, because in the end it works against me.

Anyway, so that's what's new.

I get surprised that Daddy can make me so upset by telling me, "Cara, you need to learn to support yourself, before you do anything else."(He means I shouldn't be focusing on studying Japanese before I can support myself.)

(And some other stuff piled on ends up making me not cry, not just this sentence.)

"Well Daddy, that's like me telling you that I don't want to take care of you when you're old, so you had better be saving up for retirement. I mean, you WANT to do that already, don't you? I don't need to tell you that!"

(I'm trying to communicate that I WANT to support myself just as much as he wants me to support myself, but I might not have explained it well.)

I think this writing helps me, if anything else, to give myself some backbone, like a little support, made of my own opinion, so I know what I think, and other people's questions and ideas don't push me over. I am easily swayed, so I need to know what I think before they give me tons of ideas.

I'd like it if my dad recognized that I have good ideas if he would just let me "water" them. But he doesn't trust me. He sent me to an expensive private (religious) college that I loved, but I took random classes without direction and without focused studying for three years, resulting in mostly bad grades because I simply wasn't decisive and motivated. I wasted under ninety thousand dollars on that. I mean, a lot of the classes are OK and good for my generals. But Daddy brings this fact up and worries about it when he's trying to explain that I need to support myself, get a job, etc etc.

He's RIGHT! and I KNOW that. But it's been more than a year, and he's still worrying about it. I want him to acknowledge me now. I shouldn't have to prove myself to him like he's my employer or teacher. He needs to believe in me because I have his genes and I'm intelligent and capable. But like I said, he lost trust in me. So really, I may be asking something very difficult or quite impossible of him.

My parents' opinions matter to me. I don't have tons of friends, and the opinions of the ones I have don't matter to me as much as my parents' opinion. That's because my parents are like home base, my cornerstones. I just need a little bit of confidence. Their opinions affect my confidence so much.

But my dad overlooks this point because he wants me to acknowledge "Yes, I need to get a job. Yes, I will take your advice and choose a job/education in the healthcare field because it is reliable and it has a good market. Yes, I am hurrying to get a job as fast as I can."

I disagree with a lot of that statement. And besides, his ideas don't matter as much as mine; this is my life. Of course I should listen to his advice. But not if it eclipses an alternate future that I should also consider. I want him to listen and believe in me for a second. I feel like there's never a moment when he says, that's a good idea. I'm excited to see what you will do, Cara. And then trust me with my own future. Am I stupid? Am I retarted, and hopeless and directionless and passionless, so that you can't believe in me, even have a little bit of blind faith? That's what believing in someone is!!!! You don't have to have evidence of their capability.

I ask him to do that, and he says, "You don't need ME to believe in you--"

I don't remember what came after that. I suppose what I've done is destroy my Dad's faith-in-Cara ability. That isn't so good. I told him to believe in me while I was in college, and I continued to fail, and now he doesn't trust me... it makes sense.... but thinking about it this way only makes me depressed.

Anyway, I'm not sure and I'm confused. And massively irritated. There's nothing wrong with my ideas if I actually try them. It's terribly difficult to focus on anything after talking with him about these things. He worries so much, he worries for me, and then I feel less stress about the job-looking crap etc. and more about how pathetic I am.

Do you know how RIDICULOUS that is? Thinking I'm pathetic isn't going to help me get a job!!!

I'm serious. This is about my feelings. I get downstairs and try really hard not to cry and I can't do it! I cry anyway. I'm not able to control this. It's not something I'm doing on purpose. What I'm saying is, I feel awful and it's really hard to change it afterward! But blogging helps a LOT.

ANYWAY, HE'S REALLY JUST NOT HELPING!!!

I suppose that was all I was really trying to say.

So anyway, feeling pathetic. I've been so motivated lately. But now it's the opposite. So I won't that get me down. After a conversation like that with Daddy, eventually enough conversations and I'll become stronger.

I have to keep doing what I've been doing. In fact, the conversation probably helped me more than anything.

Blogging and reading what I've written helped me realize that this is a common situation many people find themselves in-- having ideas that their parents don't agree with; needing acceptance and not getting it.

I can succeed doing this my way IF I have confidence in myself. I may or may not obtain my Daddy's belief in me. Maybe I'll never have it again! I get the feeling he's going to always worry about me when I don't do things his way. But that won't make my life better. Even Daddy wants me to be happy over a decision he makes for me. It's only that he thinks his decisions will be better.

So basically, I need to be confident in myself, and pay attention to his (very good) advice at the same time. LOL I've come up with this one before! Passive stance.

Actually, I have a hard time keeping a level head around Mom and Teddy lately. I need to pull out of the fire before my voice gets loud, you know? No reason to get upset. My family is easy to figure out: they're stubborn. That means I can't convince them of anything; i.e. don't argue with them. Let them be.

God, please give me strength to stand up after crying, maybe even cry less and stand up more. Don't let me forget about you just because I succeed later on. Remind me that you're a part of me. Or all of me, and I am a part of you.

And thanks for letting me vent! I'll come and write to you again soon, remind me please?

Today... Let me See....

I woke up late after being exhausted from yesterday's workout! Eleven hours of sleep, I think. So I skipped exercising today, and I also ended up skipping piano.

I am NOT a multi-tasker! Not naturally, anyway... :-[

But I DID study 29 kanji. I'm about to review them next :)

And when I was busily studying away, perhaps a little too busily in that I was ignoring the people around me, my mom and me got in an "argument" or whatever one would call something like that.

(I use words relating to "argument" so much that I just get sick of any similar words, but I don't know what else to use...)

ARGUMENT.

Mom was telling me things she understands about our family - why my brother does things he does, why Alice does things she does. Mom was explaining her opinion on what should be done about the negative things. (Teddy teasing a female friend and hurting her feelings, Alice... ☺ not emptying her trash because she doesn't want to waste trashbags, and cooking smelly meat in our vegetarian house.) I didn't like some of the words Mom used - calling Teddy "clueless" or the conversation about Alice when she might be able to hear us. I shouldn't have bothered Mom when her words are her own choice, but I interrupted anyway.

My mom is very inspired, she could be a psychologist or a writer with her interest in people and intuitive, confident sense into the situation they're in.

But I sometimes get tired of all this analysis. Sometimes I want to plug my ears at the endless flow of ideas and reasonings my mother comes up with. Even more so a problem is that I find myself defending these people my mom talks about when she was never criticizing them in the first place. I suppose, deep inside, that I consider analysis criticism in itself.

My defense of Mom's subjects upsets her - she doesn't think of them as subjects. To her, what's she's doing is problem-solving. She tends to get involved in other people's lives, and doesn't give up. It's a form of helping others, this problem-solving. And she's not a bystander - when given the chance, she helps others at all possible times - grocery carrying, bills, money for music lessons, a hug, words of appreciation and encouragement, conversation - she does, literally, everything she can.

So this evening when I defended the people she was speaking of, she was hurt. She needed me to listen to her, and I ended up scolding her for her "gossiping" and "unkind words" - things she never did.

I tried to apologize after I thought of it this way, but it was too late. She left the house to buy milk in tears, feeling that she should have spoken her thoughts aloud, saying that I can't understand adult conversation and she needs an adult to talk to. Door SLAM!!

The idea of me not being an adult is inappropriate, since I am an adult and she could instead say something like 1) she shouldn't talk about something I want to stop talking about OR 2) she should keep her thoughts to herself.

But either way, I tried to force my apology on her. I don't know if she just wasn't able to forgive me, maybe because she needed to stay mad for her own sanity, or because I shouldn't have forced it... probably both. I'll have to remember to apologize not at that moment but waaay after the end of the fight. Just because our brains work fast (mom and me) doesn't mean accepting an apology is a fast process! :)

Here's what I recorded on my phone immediately after our argument, when I realized I was in the wrong and should have been listening to her instead of scolding:

"We say things to each other that bothers the other person, and I say, well how am I supposed to communicate that to you without actually saying it? Why can't you just let me say what I want, am I not allowed to speak?" But you should find a better way to do it-- speak while checking what you're saying from their perspective. Don't just say, "Oh, I needed to talk, to explain how I feel--" because if it doesn't get through to them, it's pointless to explain any of that, and they WILL misunderstand you and possibly get mad or hurt. No matter what the situation is, you have to find a way to effectively communicate to them what you want to say, or you may as well keep quiet.

But if you're just trying to vent, which is a different thing, then the other person needs to listen for that. But if it has to do with something that involves the other person, you can't just vent and say whatever you want because it involves them personally. BUT, when you're on the listening/receiving side of the talking, and it doesn't involve you, don't get mad about it, it's not your job."

That last part, where it says the person on the receiving side shouldn't get mad, was me. I was getting upset with my mom about something that I shouldn't have worried about, she wasn't talking about me. I mean, mostly she didn't. Sometimes she's not always sensitive to me, but it's okay, there's always going to be a few wrinkles in relating to other people.

Some other stuff I thought about today:

While watching Synchronicity, (click for youtube vid) - "Look at everyone like they can be characters of their own story, poor, rich, all essential-- not to a part in a story, but to another whole world in which they are the main character-- the hero." 

From yesterday, that I forgot to write: "Get a job to be responsible, this is a role I know I can fill, so there's not reason not to approach it with confidence."

Listening, Trust, and Patience.

This means to listen carefully, to take to heart: 耳を傾ける (and you say it like mimi wo katamukeru or みみをかたむける).

I kicked a hole in my bedroom door today. I like to say I was justified, but I guess that's mostly never justified, not in a simple fight that happened just because the people fighting are not listening to each other.

Fighting with my family used to be very complicated-- at least, I felt that way. Now I am able to see what's going on more and more. But obviously I still don't get it or I wouldn't kick a whole in my door.

Teddy, my little brother, plays the violin. I play the piano, and I want to get academically serious about it, and practice a number of hours every day, something like two to six, but I'm going to do five for now, as is possible. So I sometimes worry a little too much about perfection, instead of putting my heart into it. It's partly due to the the way I've been taught, I think, and my compulsive personality.

But the worst thing is, when I get together with Ted to practice, I bother him and say things like, "maybe you should practice more" or say other things that irritate him. (He does it to me too.) Sometimes, I'm right but I shouldn't be telling him what to do as if his actions are my responsibility. Other times, I'm just plain right and he doesn't listen. And then there's the times when I'm being a bitch and say downright maddening things that I don't really mean, but since I'm genuinely irritated, he takes my words to heart.

I'm always surprised by other people's abilities when I look more closely at them. I mean, ALWAYS surprised. It's like I have a complex about the human race being dumber than me, just a little bit dumber. This is simply because I am unaware of what's going on, and I just think about myself-- "Oh wow! I understand this math problem! It was so hard! I'm guessing no one else understands it at all. Yippee." If both Teddy and I left the other person alone and trusted in their skills and their ability as a human being (God makes us able to manage ourselves) we wouldn't be fighting. AAA! KEY POINT!

But we don't trust each other's skills and abilities. It's very easy for Teddy to get mad at me, and it's very easy for me to get mad at him. We are both distract-able, sensitive people who jump on each other for the little things that irritate and that we take to heart, when it wasn't the point of the argument anyway.

In this way, we have the incredible ability to take an argument and make it go on and on. TANGENT! TANGENT! WE ARE LEAVING THE PORT! NOW WE'RE GOING TO PLUTO WHERE THERE'S NO POINT IN VISITING BUT WE DON'T CARE! After completely exhausting ourselves with getting mad about being insulted, delivering insults back, and getting the other person irritated, thus resulting in being insulted (etc etc) we both get the impression that the other person is indisputably an insensitive jerk whose only desire is to say infuriating, interfering, and obscene things.

If I listened for Teddy's feelings (at least my impression of them) through his words (and actions), I wouldn't be acting so stupid and helping an argument progress pointlessly.

But we don't listen. And after being irritated by the other person so much, we are at the point where wish we could quit the fighting. We can't get the other person to listen to us, and it makes us feel a serious lack of control-- we aren't "allowed" to speak our piece, even if only to continue a tangent-- so the only thing we can do to re-assume control is to QUIT practicing and walk away. This is a very effective way to make the other person mad, because that person is there to practice with you and only you, so if you leave, they have to quit too. BAM! Gotcha. Now you have to change what you're doing because I took control of the situation and left! Bye-bye! (Snicker snicker.)

That's often how our fights end. Nice, huh? After I'm done, it all feels like nothing, and for nothing.

There's a lot more I could talk about, more I could explain about what we fight and how we do it, and how this just doesn't affect Teddy and me, but my mother and me, too. We've become very skillful with words, but it's mostly evasion words and not-admitting-we-are-wrong words or well-you-do-that-to-me-way-more-than-i-do-it-to-you.

But I don't need to explain all that, because the solution is to get into the habit of listening and observing, not interrupting, respecting the other person's abilities, and being PATIENT. AAARGH it's so EASY to type that! Such simple words! urrrgh.

Interestingly enough, we all know that we need to start listening, and so now we use that in our fights too. When Teddy doesn't get to finish speaking (because I interrupt) he gets incredibly mad at me, and vice versa. Unfortunately, there's no way to get around that one. Even if the other person goes on and on, we can't tell them to stop talking, we have to listen. That's why I emphasize patience. Sometimes one person wants to say something and expects the other person not to have the desire to respond. NOPE! Don't expect to get to talk without the other person saying something-- if you want to save time, say so, be concise, or shut yourself up! It's not fair to talk unequally.

Anyway, I'm sick of this problem that's half my fault. I let myself get mad in situations that don't have to be out of my control, but I let it happen. It HURTS! But mostly, the hurts goes down deep and then I just feel tired. And then of course, I have a hole in my door.

From my foot.

From kicking the door. And then I cried about kicking the door.

I'm sorry I'm repeating myself, I am just SO surprised that I made a HOLE in my door. Can you just buy regular doors at the store? Maybe this will give me a chance to get a fancy one with a mirror with a gold filigree edging, I wouldn't kick that one.

A change of family atmosphere!

アニメ Minus Subtitles: Listening

I've been watching random animes on the internet lately that don't have subtitles. Sometimes it helps me listen to the Japanese better, and I also don't have to be looking at the screen, because I won't be able to "listen" either better either way, so I can do something else at the same time. Like, right now, I'm playing a special from Harukanaru Toki no naka de. (There are a lot of "related" shows for that one, it's confusing!!!)

Anyway, I notice a lot of things when I listen instead of watch, or at least watch without subtitles. It's kind of fun!

Boundaries: I'm Extending Too Far?

Also while under the subject of "listening", I'll mention ramble on at length about something new I'm doing. My mom and I were yelling and arguing with each other yesterday (Friday) and she said things that I actually listened to. I realized she's been trying to tell me things for a very long time, but I was just never listening. So that (listening) is something I need to do differently (more often). She was telling me how frustrated she is with how I respond to her sometimes. Mom will ask me to do something, or tell me to, or tell me not to do something. This might be to do the dishes, walk the dog, run an errand, quit filling the sink up with unsanitary raw egg drippings, or fetch her something, and usually it's important that I do it right THEN, or it's at least time-oriented. To that, I might argue, or argue about the methods, or say "after I've said no, you shouldn't cross the boundary by ordering me around further. Let me be in control of my own actions."

My Mother's Feelings

Although I had felt that my actions were justifiable, I suppose that maybe that isn't the point. I need to try to help keep peace around the house, more than I need to get people to do what I want or allow me to do what I want. I don't have to have everything my way, I mean, see?

No matter what my someone, my mother especially, asks me to do, it isn't worth it for me to cause an argument. That doesn't matter, if I truly want to stay in the house and live with everyone, and as a part of the family. I'm not treating them like I'm a part of them, I'm acting like I don't care and they're not connected to me (as family).

I ALSO need to remember that I mustn't expect to be listened to. Sometimes mom doesn't listen to me, just like I don't listen to her. It's normal to want to be heard, and in that process, you end up speaking while NOT listening to the other person. And when the other person doesn't listen to what you're trying to say, you never stop to listen, and then each person will never be satisfied because they haven't been heard, so they won't stop to listen to the other... kind of like war... and so it never stops.

So when I'm blabbering on about how I feel, I have to stop and say to myself, "Don't expect to be listened to. Blabbering WILL make it worse. Listen first, and if the other person seems ready to listen, then speak." Mostly, in my family, I'm going to need to do a lot of listening, and not speaking. It's really okay, I've argued enough that I've caused a lot of discord and really stressed everybody out.

Actually, that's what my mom was trying to explain, so far as I can tell, this is what she meant:
Cara, you are using your "sense of independence" against me illogically. You aren't acting like part of the family (though she didn't put it this way, this is how I understand it), you're acting like a rude house border who thinks she's got rights in areas that she completely doesn't. Your family and the people in charge of it are to be respected more than anyone else you know, and you're treating us like you're not even related to us. It's no wonder that we suggest you don't live here anymore, you don't seem to want to be part of the atmosphere anyway.

I've been hurting my mother's sense of command, too, and treating her rudely (rudely, as in, out of place, as if she doesn't have a right to tell me what to do, and it's belittling to her) and it's really caused serious damage to our relationship. I had been thinking that everything was going to be okay, but really, I need to change how I'm acting, take responsibility for my actions that relate to the way I treat my family, and accept my position as a daughter, who helps out when she's needed but accepts commands from mother and father. (Good for self-control, self-learning, introversion improvement.)

Giving Advice to Teddy

My little brother, who I'm worried about not having good diligence (studying and chores, sometimes) isn't going to change by me telling him what to do. If I do say anything, he doesn't believe me because I'm a bad example (REALLY) and it's also a bad thing because he doesn't feel like he has a lot of control over the things he actually does have control over. So I can't try to take control for him and expect that to be effective. I also can't try and change the way my mom raises him. The only thing I can do is be an example and listen to how he feels when we're around each other. No more giving unwanted advice from me, only action and responsibility for MYSELF will be taken!

Teddy-Arguments: telling me what to do, and then the pointless ones.

My brother likes to tell me what to do (like my parents actually have a right to, but he doesn't). He likes to be in control, and sometimes he makes requests that I haven't considered his territory, but mine. But maybe I'm holding on to my pride too much. What a waste of time! It's causing so much dispute in my family. I can't fix everything wrong that goes on in my family, but I can do MY part. I have to stop arguing with everybody. I don't need to take part in that anymore. We CAN find another way to communicate-- one that feels better.


Sometimes Teddy does this arguing-for-fun thing-- he'll tease, then actually say something accusatory for no reason at all. It goes like this.


Cara: Yum, toast.
Teddy: what are you LOOKING AT???!

That's the point where I could decide not to answer. It takes a lot of self control! Haha :) I'm used to answering his questions. We get in to silly debates (also slapping wars, wrestling matches, and chasing-ea.-other-around-house-yelling-or-sneaking-around-trying-2-scare-ea.-other-games). These silly debates sound like this:


Cara: so I learned today that "damn it" in Japanese is NOT ChikuSA, but ChikuSHO. You were wrong!
Teddy: YOU are absolutely WRONG. You can NEVER be right. Baka.

Cara: Well, I looked it up on Google translator. And I've watched way more anime than you.

Teddy: Well, how do you know that? How do you KNOW you've watched more anime than me?

Cara: Umm... well, you don't literally have enough time to watch as much as me. Because you go to school all day, practice two hours of violin, and you also play hours and hours of Xbox. Where would you have time? I never see you watching.

Teddy: How do you KNOW? You know NOTHING.

Cara: uhhhh---

Let me think, what should I do? As you can see, I have bad arguing tactics, and I don't speak the single strongest statement, but try to win by saying tons of things, which he uses against me. If I do actually make a statement that would help me win, Teddy says something irrational and nonsensical.

But even more, our arguments don't really have a point, and it doesn't matter who wins. They also are very annoying and loud for the other people living in our house. We're totally immature... but besides that, they would stop if I just didn't answer him. I've gotten used to doing that a little but, but sometimes I do argue. So I'm going to work on not answering when I see it is a pointless argument or one that Teddy won't be using real logic.

Real Implements to Make :)

1. For everyone in general, including my own benefit: Listen before you speak. Speak only if people really want to hear what you say. Basically, don't plan on saying anything. Just listen!

2. For Mom: have more respect for the people who are in charge. Make peace and harmony a priority. I'm to be like a submissive person, who lets other people tell me what to do most of the time, and only gives input when asked or when necessary.

3. For Teddy: listen, take action for myself and what I'm responsible for, and don't give unwanted advice.

4. Also: don't answer Teddy's illogical-ness. We can find something else fun to do besides arguing. Getting out of the habit completely is better; don't pretend that it's okay when no one is around to get annoyed. It's annoying to me, too. I don't have to participate. So don't answer at those times.

5. For me: respect myself, for myself. When I want to succeed at something (like losing weight, doing homework, practicing piano, WHATEVER--) I need STOP wondering what others think about me, and look through my OWN eyes and ask myself why I'm doing it and what I think and feel.

Climax!

Daddy came into my room and told me I have to move out.

I am so immature. When I move out, I know I'm going to be a bit of a mess. I'm going to have trouble and be afraid and make mistakes. But I know I can do it okay, in the end.

The problem is, I need more time. I wish so much my parents would try a little harder to bear with me somehow, but somehow I get into arguments with my mom and my dad thinks the solution is for me to move out. On the outside, it makes perfect sense.

I don't want to criticize my mom, and I can't change her. I know I'm doing some things wrong, but I don't think that quitting the whole situation and my walking away would ultimately solve the problem. It's only a temporary fix, and for the rest of our lives, we're going to have these little things that get in the way of us loving each other. How is that okay?

I DON'T think it's okay because I think we CAN solve this problem. Sure, it would take forever and ever, and a lot of work, and a lot more tears, and a few more arguments, but I think we just need to get our communication tactics down a little better. That's all it is! I'm tired of this being all my fault!!! How does that make any sense??! I'm not a bad person. I don't WANT to hurt my mom's feelings. If it was all my fault, I wouldn't be acting this way. Instead, I'm just sad! I don't know what to do.

YES. I'm idealistic. But I don't think I'm being TOO idealistic. I think I don't want to give up. But it's hard for my mom to see it that way. I don't really know what she's thinking, but I wish it didn't have to go like this.

I wish I hadn't have said things that I said. I'm just not careful enough with my temper, and I'm snappy and disrespectful. But now, I'm just really sad and I can't fix anything.

I went and hid under my bed a few minutes ago. It only made me feel a little better. Mostly I felt stupid, haha.

This makes me want to move really far away, and not talk to them for two years straight. But how would that help? That's just my anger talking. It would be going against my I-want-to-fix-this-NOT-run-away attitude. *SIGH!!*

Epiphanies All Day!

Today, ALL OF A SUDDEN, when I was talking to my mom... I realized some things. And I became suddenly motivated, like, I don't know why!

I cleaned house after two o'clock, like A LOT. Lately I have not been able to clean for more than thirty minutes at a time. I just get tired, distracted, bored, or depressed about the fact that I'm about to quit, and then I quit. Which of course sounds silly to you, I'm supposing, but really, these feelings are very real. I've just lost my motivation so much!

I woke up at 8:45 this morning, which was certainly a helpful part of all this.

But I did fight with my mom today. It was avoidable, but somehow I didn't make it.

But I'm seeing a counselor AGAIN. It really is good, though, and I'm happy about the development, as embarrassed as I am to need counseling. But I accept it! It will really help me, so it is a good thing.

1. I have to start spending more time with my family. Invite them places (movies for my mom, paint-balling for my little brother, things like that) participate in activities that they enjoy (play video-games with my brother instead of complaining that he's boring or should do something else), and spend more time around the house instead of my room. When I am around my family, I should avoid wearing headphones. I can work on cleaning house more, and decorating for holidays, then playing music and having snacks out while I'm decorating so that it's fun and people want to join me. I say this because I think my mom, brother, and I are becoming more and more drawn to video and computer games and television in our own rooms-- secluded-- and so our relationships are falling apart because we don't have anything to base them on. (My dad's always at work 'till late at night, and he can't do anything about that.)

2. I want to listen and watch more carefully for other people's emotions. Pay attention to how they're feeling and speak (or don't) according to that. Don't take things personally, either. Be "professional" like I am at work, but at the same time, DO share my own feelings when other people want to listen. Remember there are boundaries! I can't try and tell other people how they need to be, because they'll understand better if they figure out things for themselves.

3. Find a job, pick some studies/activities (praying, japanese, spanish, working out, practicing piano) to actually focus on daily, start going to church, and go to bed early so that I can get up early. CHOOSE to do these things.

Looong Conversations! Not Trusting Myself?

I'm so depressed. I'm talking with my mom (right at this moment, I'm typing while she's talking) and it's SOOOOOOOOO FFFRUSSSSTTRRRRATTTINNNGGGGGG!!!!

UUUUURRRRRR.

I just can't get through to her and that's okay. At least we're not having an actual fight. She just has all these ideas and she forgets when she's telling me what to do too much. Like, way TOOO much advice.

I'm going to start trusting myself. More. As it turns out, I'm mostly right about everything, relating to how my parents think and how we get along... I can trust myself and my instincts. Now I need to work on respecting them, because I can't change what they think. Respecting, and listening, instead of talking back. Letting things that others say just kind of... float away.

It's okay though! *sigh*

I have my own goals. I think that having goals must be a sort of thing you can't always explain to other people. It's okay if NOBODY understands except me.

AAAARRRGG!! The conversation has continued....

Cara: *bangs head repeatedly on laptop keyboard*  *stabs laptop screen violently with pen point* *snatches up all sharp objects in room, throws--*