This is a battle. Anxiety! And some text artsy stuff.

I was thinking about... forced pressure, real and unalterable pressure, the difference between my anxiety between the two and the reason for that being that I believe I can change or refuse one of them. I'd like to get used to dealing with any pressure.

The best way to do that is to think　about the situation from an observant perspective! Even more, a LOGICAL perspective. I must stand back and act like a queen at war. This isn't about worrying-- this is about how the little details make up the big details, which determine lives lost and saved, and determines the fate of the battle, and the fate of 戦争 (war).

There is the kind of worrying that I do because I'm anxious. I'm so anxious that my worry builds up and it is very time consuming, really pretty distracting and absorbing, so to avoid it I stop worrying.

Ha. Well, not worrying is good. But IGNORING your problems is bad. And when I "stop worrying" in order to quit feeling anxious, I give up on even thinking about my problems.

It's a useful skill when there's nothing you can do. In fact, it can really hurt, like my dad, for instance, when you have a problem that is you can't fix, or that you have to wait to fix, or that must fix itself, and you can't stop worrying about it. I mean seriously... that's where grey hair comes from.

Okay, I know it's the lack of melanin or hair color, I read that last week. Anyway :)

So I need to think:

Worrying = bad.

Forgetting or avoiding = bad.

therefore ignoring and procrastination also not recommended.

Analyzing like a logical leader of some kind = good.

Analyzing like a logical princess = good.

Use the royalty comparison if you need to feel confident :)

On my computer I refer to myself as 「姫」　「姫様」 and the like

OKAY!!! ONE MORE THING I almost forgot ^^ I'm so excited.

K, so I made this huge list of emoticon kinds of things. I hope you can see this, but if you can't see weird characters or Japanese on your computer it might not work. Anyway, look at this, can you tell who or what it resembles?
〜〰[ ‹⊚´]
__ミΘ`̪´Θミ

〜(‹⊚´)
ﾐΘ` ̠´Θﾐ


k well, it's not too obvious... this is naruto in sage mode, with the frog eyes, and the squigle is his head-band (?) with the tie blowing in the wind. I tried to recreate the leaf symbol... hahaha... anyway, go ahead and use it if you want! it's so dumb, I know.

If you have Japanese fonts on you computer, it's likely you have a lot of symbols available in "Character Map" which is a program available in you computer's accessories or something. On windows, that is. I don't know what you'll find if you have other fonts instead.

Well, I may as well show you the others! :) Be careful. Sometimes these symbols are meant as strange things that don't actually function as text, but change paragraphs around or go underneath other words. Sometimes I accidentally make all the words type backwards. It's very weird.

ﾐ▴˛˛▴ﾐ

☉☉

◞. .◟

◞._.◟ ⊣␣⊢ >␣< c_c ¬_¬ ¬̻¬ º̯º º ̯ º ¬ ̠¬ 〜〰[ ‹⊚´] ミΘ`̪´Θミ ﾐ▴˛˛▴ﾐ ☉☉ ◞. .◟ ◞._.◟ ⊣␣⊢ >␣< c_c ¬̻¬ º̯º º ̯ º ¬ ̠¬ ^̺^ ͡ ̺ ͡ ┏_┏ ﾐΘ` ̠´Θﾐ ミΘ ̯ Θミ ΞﾐΘ_ΘﾐΞ ﾐ▴˛˛▴ﾐ ﾐ ミ ☉ ☉ ◞. .◟ ◞._.◟ ⊣␣⊢ >␣< c_c 　̽̽ ̽　　　

¬_¬ 　 ¬̻ ¬ º̯º º ̯ º


¬ ̠¬ ¬_¬ ¬_¬ ¬ ̠¬


^̺^ ͡ ͡ ͡ ̺ ͡

Listening. クリスマス。 Doing Better.

So, last night I talked with my Dad again... but guess what?

I.

Listened.

EEEEK!

Well I guess I don't care about the listening much as part as that I

Did.

Not.

Cry.

I did not feel overly-pressured. I --

could.

handle.

it.

Without arguing.

Well, not too much. X)

Basically, my Dad was telling me that this week, I HAVE to focus on looking for jobs. This week. Well? It doesn't freak me out too much. I want to do it.

Usually, not arguing is hard for me because it's fearfully difficult for me to deal with pressure, so I make excuses, but also, he talks for a long, detailed, time, (saying things I disagree with) making me want to interrupt all the more. So I listened to his orders, which he is very careful to explain in DETAIL like he has many times before, and I told myself over and over that it's okay and he's right and that I sincerely agree BUT also that I have my own plans. That I'm not plan-less and opinion-less and that I am mature and grown-up and that I will succeed.... And kinda contrary to his opinion, that my dreams are worth something big.

After that ordeal, which wasn't much of an ordeal in comparison to other similar situations :) ...
I realized I had been wearing on my head my Claire's (accessories) silver princess crown, the whole time I was talking with Dad.

LOL. Haha. Oh well.

We ended the conversation on my own statement! Actually I do that a lot anyway :) (I'm kind of a stubborn snobby daughter) And I said, "I just don't want to be treated badly because of my past actions anymore." Or something like that. Maybe not a very nice thing to say, and certainly it's asking for a lot (too much?) but I need to think better of myself now.

So what am I doing about this? Well, my plans are to get my life organized and be at peace with everything that goes on in it. I don't want to be monumentally worried all the time just because I'm not controlling my own actions. That means I want to get IT together. That means I want to get a job. It's on the list. Metaphorically.

The best way to put it is that I'm working on scheduling myself. I am customizing my planner and making a sort of weekly schedule with activities like piano, Japanese, job-searching, volunteering (piano playing), house-cleaning and singing (for example). I will make short term (daily) and longer term goals, backed by reasons. I also am using Textfugu's cool method of making a list of excuses for why I should quit, which I can use to remind myself that those excuses are retarded. Eh. I mean misguided.  Also, I'm making goals for each day; basically, I assign myself tasks, which I complete by doing them regularly as habits or "traditions".

I have yet to get myself organized, but that's the idea I'm going for.

I've also started translating stuff all over the place. I've restarted Shugo Chara / しゅごチャラ！ without subtitles :) !

And, today I watched the first episode of Kamikaze Kaitou Jeanne / 神風怪盗ジャンヌ (Divine Wind Phantom Thief Jeanne is the long translation).

And for both those animes, I usually stop and write out the song lyrics in kana and kanji, working toward pronunciation, then understanding it or translating it to English. I learn a lot of new words this way, and I remember them best because I'm not bored and I can connect it to lifelike stories which I love.

One more thing I'm doing is listening to my audio CDs of the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. (amazon) (zondervan) It's useful (...so far...) and has lots to do with my issues with being myself naturally, standing up for opinions, and especially deciding where my boundaries are so I don't have to worry about my responsibilities so much.

I'm thinking of where I stand. There are SOME things I DO NOT need to change about myself (for other people). Also, there are influences of others that I can IGNORE; by which, I mean there are things I can stop worrying about.

Haha... well, it's kind of like I don't care about others' feelings as much. That sounds awful, but it was putting a lot of strain on MY emotions... plus my life isn't going well at all, career/education-wise, so if I don't change something about myself there's not much point in my existence (I only mean that theoretically and also a bit dramatically).

Anyway, it's 11:00 and I've got to get out of my room to clean house. We've got the housekeeper (I like to say "maid" X) coming today and ironically, we clean up before she gets here at 12:30. Haha.

No, maybe that's not ironic, silly me, how else can she clean the counters and floors under the enormous amount of clutter and Christmas decoration Rubbermaid containers and cardboard boxes?

Hee hee SO! here is how to spell Christmas in Japanese!

クリスマス 

Which you say like this: "Ku-ree-soo-mass" (pronounce the syllables lightly, and clipped.) If you like romaji better, it looks like this: "kurisumasu"

Well, anyway, that's probably right. Source: myself. Not anybody Japanese. I'm an authority, can't you tell? No, I'm not. That's sarcasm.

And here are some snowflakes for Christmas. ✢ ✣ ✤ ✥ ✱ ✲ ✳ ✴ ✵ ✶✻ ✼ ❄ ❅ ❆ ❉ ❊ ❋
✽ ✾ ✿ ❀ ❁ ❃ ❋

Boundaries and Independence

I think I'm really getting the hang of this "independence" thing.

I've got to stop letting other people change my opinions over and over.

I'm separating myself.

Becoming Cara, and nobody else.

It's hard to make my self (my own breath, my path, I guess?) my first priority.. I like helping others. It feels good, solving problems and making the world I live in a neat, organized place, running efficiently and correctly. With my power, I can keep people's feelings from clashing with mine. I might not be able to control other people's actions, but I can at least change everything I do to keep others from getting irritated with me. I can control myself in order to fit with others' needs and wants.

Well, I guess it's a useful skill. BUT MOSTLY IT'S REALLY UNHEALTHY!!! Sure, I can use this skill as a professional negotiator or something... you know, a peacemaker. Someone who helps everyone get along. An influencer, perhaps? I'm not sure of my skills yet.

But what I'm trying to say is that this skill should not be used when I need to make decisions for myself. When I'm trying to decide my college major, or the town I'm going to move to, if I'm going to get pregnant and have a child or not, whether or not I wear makeup and jewelry, what job I want, when I clean my room, (etc)-- THESE THINGS ARE MY DECISIONS ALONE.

Of course I need to consider how my actions affect others. But in the end I've got to take myself seriously! Even when or if I do have a splendid goal in life, (like going to Japan and getting a job there) it won't do any good if I make compromises in order to improve others' opinions of me. If I'm worried about my actions so much that I have to change myself for others constantly, I will NOT make it to Japan. Or any other goal.

And it's even more difficult when you have people close to you who don't believe in you because of the past or because they're doubtful and stubborn. Because they don't have faith in my decisions and goals, they try to discourage them.

And I'm easily discouraged. If I wasn't writing right now, I'd have nothing to hold onto and I've give into my discouragement and truly believe I'm not capable of going to Japan, being a translator, playing piano, or teaching, or anything.

OKAY. NO MORE OF THIS. YOU'RE DISCOURAGING ME? MY DREAMS, MY LONG-TERM WISHES THAT PROPEL ME TO TAKE SMALL STEPS IN MY LIFE NOW?

(to my parents:) NOT ANYMORE. I WON'T STAND FOR IT. IF YOU WANT ME TO BE SUCCESSFUL, THEN THAT'S WHAT I'LL DO. 

And I have to admit, I'm doing it partly for you... because I love you guys. But you want me to be successful because you love ME... so in the end, it's all about me anyway. That means I'm not compromising because of my loving you.

What a waste of time on their part, their disbelief in me. But I can't force them to trust me with words... nope. Not anymore. Well, I'll just have to show them... this is hard to deal with, though. Right now, and in other times, when I let their disbelief discourage me, I start doubting I can do it, too. I feel suddenly sad.

[When I reflect on this later (this is an edit) I think maybe their disbelief makes me stronger, and it's what I actually need to succeed?... I shouldn't say I deserve their disbelief though. It might be logical and fair, but I don't deserve it.]

Anyway-- I'm going to make a concise list of things that will help me with this current problem... this discouragement I'm having. It's a lack of faith in myself, mmhhm. If I hadn't realized this "stand up for yourself" thing, I'd be worse off than right now. But I still have some of the old feelings creeping around in me.

I'll fight them like this.

1. Getting a job is NOT the most important thing. Getting it together is. I can do that, and in the process, I'll get a job as part of getting it together. Duh.
 goal: be at peace with my life.

2. Use God's opinion as my ruler, not others or even myself.
goal: keep reading the Desire of Ages and/or the Bible so I remember how much God and Heaven loves me

(hee hee they are all hoping I will succeed in getting the job God picks for me which is of course my choice as well :)


yup, that's about it.

♥Thanks so much for reading, I hope this made sense and it was helpful or interesting to you.

Standing Up for Myself-- BEING ME

I think I've been going wrong about my... main problem.

- * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - *
[   problem update:

1. depressed + anxious; on zoloft

2. unemployed / bum / irrationally low confidence

3. parents with their own ideas

4. parents who voice these ideas

5. parents with total lack of encouragement in my dreams because the dreams don't make sense to them

6. my dreams really do seem impossible
7. and to top it off, I have yet to prove I can reach these dreams   ]
- * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - *
ADVICE
I shouldn't have said so often to Mom that I don't want advice. I do want her advice. Her advice is not my problem. I just need to tell her : please don't criticize my interests. These interests I have a hard time expressing without her discouragement include anime, my dreams such as becoming a pianist, an interpreter and translator, and a wife of a man who possibly does not live in my home country. As the subject comes up, I will say appropriate things like, "please don't critisize my love of anime. It's an old subject, and my anime-interest is equally time consuming as are my other hobbies." Also I can say, "I am determined to succeed in the career of my dreams with you and Daddy as my support system." Usually I just tell her I don't want to talk about it. Now I'm going to have a better answer.


WHAT I'M DOING WRONG IS: I'M NOT BELIEVING I CAN DO IT
Out of the various problems I have while living here in my parent's house, along with my brother Teddy, and Allison and her son, the number one issue I have is caving to my parent's advice. I am very influencible. Why?  ONE: I don't believe in myself. I've got to be more confident.

And, well, maybe because I don't have a plan-- where there's a goal at the end and steps I'm going to take along a timeline-- and that makes me opinionless about my own life.

Basically I need to stand up for myself more often. I need to make more hard-core decisions. When I don't know what to do, I think hard about what I do want, and I decide. It's not about what others think. I know myself better than anyone else. Even more, I have good intuition about myself. This is because my mother taught me confidence. But I need to use my confidence, instead of letting the advice I hear from my family, including my mother) dissuade me.

In the end they will be happy if I am successful, but I WILL include them in my success, instead of walking away from them in order to succeed.

Just because they doubt me doesn't mean I need to give up on them.

Good, aye? Usually this is the part where the kid leaves his parent's house in a huff. But I'm not going to be angry at them for not trusting me. My forgiveness is partly due to the fact that their distrust makes sense.


THIS IS HARD
I feel really sick and awful. My dad just came in my room, JUST NOW as I was writing, with one of his attitudes, like "no argument, listen to me without responding, and only accept what I have to say, then take action exactly how I want you to"
They think I'm watching anime constantly. I watched about an hour today while exercising, and this evening a little before bed. Quite an addiction, don't you think? Would they rather I walk away from this "addiction" as if I have the strength to throw out my manga and DVDs and never touch videos on the internet again-- avoid my "addiction" until I burst and go back to it like a crazy person? Or should I learn to control it, like I'm doing now, monitoring my emotions, thinking, and feeling, like a living, breathing woman of courage, creativity, and music?

I also spoke with my counselor and had a wonderful session, feeling beautiful and confident and ready to look for a job within the next two days, bursting with ideas and belief in myself.

But my parents, who are worried, impatient to the point of explosion, have lost trust in me, and think I am a lazy, emotionally-uncontrolled bum, insist on trying to force me to change my habits and decisions by telling me I have to because this is their house. Even though it's been only a week since we talked about my job-getting plan, and I am already making progress on it just like planned.

STANDING UP
I'm going to be angry with my self and my situation, and use that power to do what I need to.

For a year, I've done nothing but sleep, feel depressed, get into massive arguments with my parents and little brother, half-heartedly play piano less than once a week, watch loads of TV, gain twenty pounds, pretend I want to learn Japanese, cut off contact with all my close friends or who I've ever met, and NEVER leave the house.

But now-- NOW! After a bit of counseling, pills, personal growth, and a lot of thought and journaling... I volunteer. I LEAVE THE HOUSE. I dress up, wear makeup, and perform like a professional on a to-die for Bösendorfer (fancy German piano) in a architecturally beautiful hospital famous for its healthcare.

I've also almost finished a resume that I've had edited by a professional who has worked with a lot of college students and kids looking for jobs.

I have plans to look for a job this week. I am working on my study ethic and creating good habits and goals for my life. I feel more serious than I ever have before. And God is going with me. He says so. He will give me strength. I'm going to keep praying. I need his help for sure....

I AM AFRAID BUT I WILL DO IT ANYWAY
I might cry after this decision. But I'm not going to give up anymore. I know what I want. I'm going to really try. I'm not going to change my decisions and habits anymore, I'm going to make decisions based on what I want to do. My mother and father are amazing people. I have their genes. I am their daughter. They taught me respect, responsibility, and LOVE. I like who I am. So. Now, I'm going to be that person.

To my beloved mother and father: I love you. Now trust me. Allow me the freedom to be the adult I am, and the adult I will become, and I will show you what I can do.

God is going with me. He says so. He will give me strength. I'm going to keep praying. I need his help for sure.... forever  ; )

Diary Entry

Dear God,

It's Sabbath today... I watched a bunch of Full Moon o Sagashite today, and ate food.

A lot of times, I feel worried that I'm not doing a good job. Of being myself, I guess. And putting it that way reminds me that it can't be true :) !

But still. I say this because we have a visitor over today and I can't relax or focus on anything when that happens, so I go to my room and veg out instead of doing something.

Which is okay, I guess, but I would rather do something active, or use my brain. But I let myself get stuck watching TV, you know? It' doesn't have to be TV, sometimes I do something else on my computer or whatever, but I feel the worst for watching TV.

I'm not sure I should let myself feel bad. It's possible I'm just being hard on myself and not getting anywhere for it.

That's right, I am, aren't I? Weeeeell, I'm going to do something else now. I'll try and stop beating myself up inside my brain.

Hee hee. Thanks, God, for helping me and always caring for me. You deserve all the love in the world, I hope more and more people notice you. Don't give up on telling them the truth, (I would suggest through love) even if they are completely obstinate to it. Isn't it true, that if we were created in your image, we naturally should lean towards the light side, not the dark? As in, love? I don't quite understand sin. WHERE DOES IT COME FROM????

haha. This is a good question, isn't it....

Where does sin come from.... .... I question this because-- if you created everything, sin shouldn't exist, because why would sin come from you? Is it because sin exists when people are allowed to make choices?

Talking with my Dad.

I'm going to write to God today. Usually I write to my readers, but I don't really know how many readers I have and who they are, so I'm pretty bad at being communicative in their direction. So instead, when you read this, you can observe a prayer-conversation-something or other to the person I think created the universe (and did it because he wanted people to love and talk to). 'Course God is listening all the time anyway, so I really write to you also.

Dear Jesus,

Well. I just came downstairs from talking with Daddy. I am super upset after that, mostly feeling bad about myself, and even though technically I don't need to feel pathetic or crushed, I still do.

My situation has changed since earlier, whenever that was, like this: I lost my job, which I really was okay with because I didn't like it, but I didn't have any ambition to get a new one right after. I was in school then, also. But you know? I didn't do very well! Even though I was studying theory, I didn't turn in all the assignments because I let myself get overwhelmed and didn't prepare, and so I got behind and then I was scared to try and fix it. Can you help me out next time? I will prepare myself to let you take away my fear. You can strengthen me, I don't have to do it all myself. I'm sorry for being so silly.

I'm actually in a different frame of mind now - I want a job.

A month ago, before September began, somebody would ask me about my job searching progress and I didn't want to talk about it because I couldn't even face it myself-- avoiding it inside my own mind. But slowly, as my dad's "Sept. 1" deadline passed, I became motivated to do it on my own, and I actually wanted a job. I thought about how much school would cost and how I actually had a desire to make money. I haven't felt this way in a year, and the feeling continues, not just a short-term thing. This feeling WILL continue until I get a new job. I am ready now. So I'm applying online right now, and after I go through the government jobs available and any other options online, I'm going to look in the shopping center near my house. So I do have concrete plans. (I have to convince myself of this :)

I think Daddy knows I'm in a different frame of mind now, that I'm trying harder, more seriously. But he's still impatient. His impatience weighs on me. He has a very powerful worry muscle. I don't need his worry, because in the end it works against me.

Anyway, so that's what's new.

I get surprised that Daddy can make me so upset by telling me, "Cara, you need to learn to support yourself, before you do anything else."(He means I shouldn't be focusing on studying Japanese before I can support myself.)

(And some other stuff piled on ends up making me not cry, not just this sentence.)

"Well Daddy, that's like me telling you that I don't want to take care of you when you're old, so you had better be saving up for retirement. I mean, you WANT to do that already, don't you? I don't need to tell you that!"

(I'm trying to communicate that I WANT to support myself just as much as he wants me to support myself, but I might not have explained it well.)

I think this writing helps me, if anything else, to give myself some backbone, like a little support, made of my own opinion, so I know what I think, and other people's questions and ideas don't push me over. I am easily swayed, so I need to know what I think before they give me tons of ideas.

I'd like it if my dad recognized that I have good ideas if he would just let me "water" them. But he doesn't trust me. He sent me to an expensive private (religious) college that I loved, but I took random classes without direction and without focused studying for three years, resulting in mostly bad grades because I simply wasn't decisive and motivated. I wasted under ninety thousand dollars on that. I mean, a lot of the classes are OK and good for my generals. But Daddy brings this fact up and worries about it when he's trying to explain that I need to support myself, get a job, etc etc.

He's RIGHT! and I KNOW that. But it's been more than a year, and he's still worrying about it. I want him to acknowledge me now. I shouldn't have to prove myself to him like he's my employer or teacher. He needs to believe in me because I have his genes and I'm intelligent and capable. But like I said, he lost trust in me. So really, I may be asking something very difficult or quite impossible of him.

My parents' opinions matter to me. I don't have tons of friends, and the opinions of the ones I have don't matter to me as much as my parents' opinion. That's because my parents are like home base, my cornerstones. I just need a little bit of confidence. Their opinions affect my confidence so much.

But my dad overlooks this point because he wants me to acknowledge "Yes, I need to get a job. Yes, I will take your advice and choose a job/education in the healthcare field because it is reliable and it has a good market. Yes, I am hurrying to get a job as fast as I can."

I disagree with a lot of that statement. And besides, his ideas don't matter as much as mine; this is my life. Of course I should listen to his advice. But not if it eclipses an alternate future that I should also consider. I want him to listen and believe in me for a second. I feel like there's never a moment when he says, that's a good idea. I'm excited to see what you will do, Cara. And then trust me with my own future. Am I stupid? Am I retarted, and hopeless and directionless and passionless, so that you can't believe in me, even have a little bit of blind faith? That's what believing in someone is!!!! You don't have to have evidence of their capability.

I ask him to do that, and he says, "You don't need ME to believe in you--"

I don't remember what came after that. I suppose what I've done is destroy my Dad's faith-in-Cara ability. That isn't so good. I told him to believe in me while I was in college, and I continued to fail, and now he doesn't trust me... it makes sense.... but thinking about it this way only makes me depressed.

Anyway, I'm not sure and I'm confused. And massively irritated. There's nothing wrong with my ideas if I actually try them. It's terribly difficult to focus on anything after talking with him about these things. He worries so much, he worries for me, and then I feel less stress about the job-looking crap etc. and more about how pathetic I am.

Do you know how RIDICULOUS that is? Thinking I'm pathetic isn't going to help me get a job!!!

I'm serious. This is about my feelings. I get downstairs and try really hard not to cry and I can't do it! I cry anyway. I'm not able to control this. It's not something I'm doing on purpose. What I'm saying is, I feel awful and it's really hard to change it afterward! But blogging helps a LOT.

ANYWAY, HE'S REALLY JUST NOT HELPING!!!

I suppose that was all I was really trying to say.

So anyway, feeling pathetic. I've been so motivated lately. But now it's the opposite. So I won't that get me down. After a conversation like that with Daddy, eventually enough conversations and I'll become stronger.

I have to keep doing what I've been doing. In fact, the conversation probably helped me more than anything.

Blogging and reading what I've written helped me realize that this is a common situation many people find themselves in-- having ideas that their parents don't agree with; needing acceptance and not getting it.

I can succeed doing this my way IF I have confidence in myself. I may or may not obtain my Daddy's belief in me. Maybe I'll never have it again! I get the feeling he's going to always worry about me when I don't do things his way. But that won't make my life better. Even Daddy wants me to be happy over a decision he makes for me. It's only that he thinks his decisions will be better.

So basically, I need to be confident in myself, and pay attention to his (very good) advice at the same time. LOL I've come up with this one before! Passive stance.

Actually, I have a hard time keeping a level head around Mom and Teddy lately. I need to pull out of the fire before my voice gets loud, you know? No reason to get upset. My family is easy to figure out: they're stubborn. That means I can't convince them of anything; i.e. don't argue with them. Let them be.

God, please give me strength to stand up after crying, maybe even cry less and stand up more. Don't let me forget about you just because I succeed later on. Remind me that you're a part of me. Or all of me, and I am a part of you.

And thanks for letting me vent! I'll come and write to you again soon, remind me please?

Today... Let me See....

I woke up late after being exhausted from yesterday's workout! Eleven hours of sleep, I think. So I skipped exercising today, and I also ended up skipping piano.

I am NOT a multi-tasker! Not naturally, anyway... :-[

But I DID study 29 kanji. I'm about to review them next :)

And when I was busily studying away, perhaps a little too busily in that I was ignoring the people around me, my mom and me got in an "argument" or whatever one would call something like that.

(I use words relating to "argument" so much that I just get sick of any similar words, but I don't know what else to use...)

ARGUMENT.

Mom was telling me things she understands about our family - why my brother does things he does, why Alice does things she does. Mom was explaining her opinion on what should be done about the negative things. (Teddy teasing a female friend and hurting her feelings, Alice... ☺ not emptying her trash because she doesn't want to waste trashbags, and cooking smelly meat in our vegetarian house.) I didn't like some of the words Mom used - calling Teddy "clueless" or the conversation about Alice when she might be able to hear us. I shouldn't have bothered Mom when her words are her own choice, but I interrupted anyway.

My mom is very inspired, she could be a psychologist or a writer with her interest in people and intuitive, confident sense into the situation they're in.

But I sometimes get tired of all this analysis. Sometimes I want to plug my ears at the endless flow of ideas and reasonings my mother comes up with. Even more so a problem is that I find myself defending these people my mom talks about when she was never criticizing them in the first place. I suppose, deep inside, that I consider analysis criticism in itself.

My defense of Mom's subjects upsets her - she doesn't think of them as subjects. To her, what's she's doing is problem-solving. She tends to get involved in other people's lives, and doesn't give up. It's a form of helping others, this problem-solving. And she's not a bystander - when given the chance, she helps others at all possible times - grocery carrying, bills, money for music lessons, a hug, words of appreciation and encouragement, conversation - she does, literally, everything she can.

So this evening when I defended the people she was speaking of, she was hurt. She needed me to listen to her, and I ended up scolding her for her "gossiping" and "unkind words" - things she never did.

I tried to apologize after I thought of it this way, but it was too late. She left the house to buy milk in tears, feeling that she should have spoken her thoughts aloud, saying that I can't understand adult conversation and she needs an adult to talk to. Door SLAM!!

The idea of me not being an adult is inappropriate, since I am an adult and she could instead say something like 1) she shouldn't talk about something I want to stop talking about OR 2) she should keep her thoughts to herself.

But either way, I tried to force my apology on her. I don't know if she just wasn't able to forgive me, maybe because she needed to stay mad for her own sanity, or because I shouldn't have forced it... probably both. I'll have to remember to apologize not at that moment but waaay after the end of the fight. Just because our brains work fast (mom and me) doesn't mean accepting an apology is a fast process! :)

Here's what I recorded on my phone immediately after our argument, when I realized I was in the wrong and should have been listening to her instead of scolding:

"We say things to each other that bothers the other person, and I say, well how am I supposed to communicate that to you without actually saying it? Why can't you just let me say what I want, am I not allowed to speak?" But you should find a better way to do it-- speak while checking what you're saying from their perspective. Don't just say, "Oh, I needed to talk, to explain how I feel--" because if it doesn't get through to them, it's pointless to explain any of that, and they WILL misunderstand you and possibly get mad or hurt. No matter what the situation is, you have to find a way to effectively communicate to them what you want to say, or you may as well keep quiet.

But if you're just trying to vent, which is a different thing, then the other person needs to listen for that. But if it has to do with something that involves the other person, you can't just vent and say whatever you want because it involves them personally. BUT, when you're on the listening/receiving side of the talking, and it doesn't involve you, don't get mad about it, it's not your job."

That last part, where it says the person on the receiving side shouldn't get mad, was me. I was getting upset with my mom about something that I shouldn't have worried about, she wasn't talking about me. I mean, mostly she didn't. Sometimes she's not always sensitive to me, but it's okay, there's always going to be a few wrinkles in relating to other people.

Some other stuff I thought about today:

While watching Synchronicity, (click for youtube vid) - "Look at everyone like they can be characters of their own story, poor, rich, all essential-- not to a part in a story, but to another whole world in which they are the main character-- the hero." 

From yesterday, that I forgot to write: "Get a job to be responsible, this is a role I know I can fill, so there's not reason not to approach it with confidence."

What's on the receipt?

Ahhh, I'm quite TIRED!!
I ran outside again today, just around the house, but at least a mile without stopping. I am really weak and pathetic, so that is a lot for me! Hopefully I will lose weight soon. I think I might be gaining, because of easter candy and me... not... restricting myself!

Don't think about it, Cara.

I just looked at my closet.

But I don't want any chocolate or candy, I'm full. I ate, and I can go get more food, like CARROTS, when I'm hungry.

Okay! Okay.

I also played DDR, and did fifteen kanji! Tomorrow I plan on practicing piano longer than an hour.

Piano is so much fun lately. I only recently found out that a person can find sheet music, like for voice or piano, online. Sheet music for vocaloid songs! Sheet music for anime openings!

IT'S AMAZING. I have a beautiful piano piece for Kuroshitsuji, a very difficult vocaloid piece called "Dolls", and the opening music for Romeo X Juliet the anime! (You raise me up.) Those are the ones I'm working on right now, but I found about thirty others. It's crazy fun, and it's gotten me to practice my classical piano music more, too.

Mom and Teddy and Nate went to Red Robin today and stuffed ourselves with gardenburgers, among other things. The ice cream was good! But I also thought of something while I was there.

Since I don't get out much.... Um... anyway, since I don't, it always makes me happy when I go places with other people. It makes me want to have a life, you know, like a job in a busy place, where I'm part of the system, like, something in the city would be nice. I especially like nice aesthetics, but that is hard to come by, so it's just a wish.

I was thinking to myself-- when I go to look for a job, I shouldn't be all self-doubting and feel like I don't deserve a job because I won't be good at it or like it's going to be hard, blah blah blah. I should just imagine the happy part-- like what I can see from this end of it, when I was eating out with my family. I should think of it as a fun thing, a new part of life that will become good and enjoyable. That's why I should make sure to get a job that actually WILL be fun, and not just take the first one I see ♥

How to believe in myself when I can't see the end.

Think of my life like anime - 20 minute slots, beautiful, emotional animation, stories, breezes, as it will be, a story with a beginning and an ending. Notice the beautiful part of life, every moment. If I could see it all at once, I could believe in myself completely.

Limits Zero.

I went to bed late last night, and then I got up around 11:00, so that's okay. It was a boring day! I didn't work out at all... and ate LOADS of chocolate all day.

*sigh*

Tomorrow, I shall run and everything....

Something I've learned about myself, though, is that when I set limits for myself, it goes badly. When I say limits I mean "planning" ahead, such as, "today I'm going to clean my room and dust the house and practice five hours of piano". See, when I set it all up like that, I get bored with the "plan" and change it almost as soon as I start it. Then I feel like I'm doing something terrible, changing my plans to do something else! So I feel bad about not keeping "self-control" or following my own orders (silly, since I'm the one in charge) and I lose motivation to do a good job in whatever I'm doing.

But really, it's not the limits that  are the problem, it's that I THINK of them as limits! If I stopped criticizing myself inwardly, I would be able to accomplish whatever I decide to do, at whatever time. It's fine if I make a list on paper or in my head for the essentials, and it's good if I leave options for myself, but ultimately I must conclude that whatever I decide at whatever time fine. I can trust in my decision, in my performances, my voice, my music, my advice, my feet.

I don't trust myself enough... that's it. And here we are again... should I force myself to have confidence? But when I think of it the way I've just explained, it actually does make sense. It will work!

Mirror

reasons to go to bed ontime:
- think of yourself as delicate and easily tired at the end of each day...angelique...

Don't think about myself from what I guess others are thinking. Look in the mirror! What do I look like... on the outside? So, how do others see me?

HEY.... I should do something opposite from that. Not concave, convex. Not red, organized, and perfect. No!-- Pink, beautiful, laugh! me, (be careful), and accept-ingly. I am a creation as myself. I'm a character! Look inside myself, judging myself by how I feel.

Then... I can learn to wear myself on the outside.

To-DO List. Project Zero: From the ground up.

Me and myself don't have much direction right now. If I was listening to what God wanted me to do, I might understand better, but it's possible that God WANTS me to start listening to myself, and trying to listen to him selflessly isn't exactly what he wants me to do. So here's a list I'm making for all the things I would like to do. It kind of has to go in order for it to work. Let's see if I can do it! No... I will do it!

--> Important thing I just realized. My feelings are verrrrrrry delicate. Or maybe I am just really mentally abusive to myself. ;) no, seriously, that might be it.... I've noticed all this after college. If I was a little more gentle with my heart, I might not have had such a hard time, but either way it was meant to be so that I could learn from such a mistake. So NOW is the time in which I can be gentle, and get another start. :) This really does make me so happy.I have hope, and that's all you need in the beginning.

--> Other important thing. I all this I've written (below too) is really really essential to fixing my life. I mean, it's fabulous info I've thought of. I could really fix myself here. So I need to read through this every day, with the "excuse" that I need to clarify what I've written ('cause some of it really doesn't make sense). I will call this DRAFT 1, so that it stays the same and I won't lose anything important. The first and last drafts I'll post on my blog.

(new sunscreen? prescription, new housecleaning gloves, facemask.)

1. read the Bible and pray daily, (instead of never like I usually do) so that I can understand if I'm doing what God wants me to do or being selfish and avoiding his guidance.

I'm afraid I might be doing that because I haven't been listening at all, and I'm afraid that going in a certain career direction (voice acting) versus another more... ?humble? direction isn't what he wants. But I know I'd be good at it, so I need him to help me understand whether or not that choice is perfect, or taking me in the wrong direction.

2. Work on calming anxiety strategies. This is going to be a forever thing, but I want to especially work on it now, along with reading the bible and praying.

3. Clean house for mom and dad, assigning myself doable tasks and treating them like a job--one that I will begin to orient around time, like it's a real job, so I can get used to the idea of working for real. Instead of paying them rent (which I disrespectfully think is a huge waste of money, and is also violating their rules for me, and that is be really bad... so I need to work hard). I HAVE TO START SMALL, only what I can and will do.

4. Clean up my room, super DUPER. This I can combine with no. two because I'm going to scrapbook and that includes a lot of items located all around the house, masquerading as clutter.(Tithe and receipts, clutter, cleaning.)

5. Learn all my kanji in the Heisig book. If I got over that hump in Japanese learning, I would feel a lot more confident and excited to learn more. I need to try and finish a lot before a new job so that I continue with Japanese quite steadily.

6. Start going through my theory book and make a goal for each day, and if I'm brave enough, a bigger goal. This is hard for me, so be careful and go slow.

7. Since I'm also doing piano, Japanese, house cleaning, losing weight, and this theory too, it IS impossible (yes, it is) to do it in one day, so I have to skip things and do just three things instead of six, or whatever. So I don't have to do theory until I have all the kanji learned, for example. I'm not being specific because I've been doing well at this so far, it's just important that I don't worry and end up watching excess TV just because I didn't know where to start. Actually this is very important. I should now continue to put a list on my phone of which things I can plan on accomplishing in one day, week by week prob. is best.

8. Finish facial peels

9. When I'm ready, (ready probably means all the above accomplished and a weight loss level of 170-180, but it really can be up to me....facial peels would likely give me more time) get a part-time job. Small, and one that I like.I must feel like I'm doing something useful for myself (i.e. I need to feel progress) or a goal for my money saving, like classes or learning, not just fun stuff.

10. Get a haircut. To feel freer, and decisive.(important for acting class)

10. After I'm at or lower than 169: Buy some clothes for school. To feel like I dressed on purpose wherever I go, so I don't have to think about what I look like.

11. Get a club membership for losing weight and lose weight while working at a part time job and studying at home.(scheduling! Big step. A membership may occur earlier but juggling it with a job makes it a more important step, so I put it later just in case.)

12. Piano lessons with a pro teacher. This is my "attempt to succeed in school without freaking my heart out" tryout. I don't have to do this before an acting class. It might be inconvenient, but I also really do need to take piano lessons, and I probably will need credits anyway.

13. After I'm at or lower than 169: Adventures in Voice acting DVD, then TAKE AN ACTING CLASS.  This is not just because I want to be a voice actor. (I'm not sure yet, just like B4 with Japan.) BUT, I KNOW it will help my confidence problems, so that can be my reason until I'm sure about being a voice actor.

14. Start going to school.

15. Take Japanese class. Since it's very important I succeed, I think I should do this AFTER I succeed in school regarding music. I know I can do music, no matter what has and could happen, but Japanese is delicate. I can't scare myself away by doing badly there. It's possible I'm being too cautious, though, and I should be going now because Japanese is close by at community college, and not other places. Hmmm.

16. Move away from home. This might come earlier, if I don't do Japanese classes and want to start Music instead.

17. Finish school. Have a B.A. degree in music. This is all tentative because I don't know what to do with a B.A. in music. Well, get a job in that, save money for going to Japan, and just save money in general.

18. Find a place to practice piano when not in school or save to buy a cheap piano.

19.Save money.

20.Have my own car somehow. Save for that, it could happen.... Maybe I don't need it. (When I move away, Daddy or Mom will drive me and my bike-- after moving my stuff-- to my new apartment, and I will have them pick me up if I need to leave. :) Ahhhhh that is such a bad idea. It would work for school though.

21. GET a job as a teacher in Japan. This doesn't need and really ISN'T hard because I love Japan and teaching, I am detail oriented and like people, so if I'm not afraid, I can get a job like SNAP. God will help me. If it's harder than I thought, go as a missionary.

22. Keep on the lookout for a man to fall in love with. Tell him I need to take everything slowly. I think he needs to be seventh-day adventist, but if I don't go and figure that out soon, I'm not going to know what to tell him. :) This is also an issue with Sabbath and working a job. I do need to do devotional everyday. I have questions that many of my church friends probably know what they would do personally, and I don't know!

Hope?

Who do I think I am? What do I feel like might be in my future-- what can I be? Who? Listen to my soul, to God, to my heart.

I've been thinking wrong for a while. I can't become a newer, better, changing person if I hold myself back with sad thoughts. I have to think of the good things coming, and the good things I can be someday-- and BELIEVE THAT I CAN BE THAT WAY. If I believe it, I can.

;) That's called hope!!

Why? A Thousand Miles!

I don't know how hard this is for other people, but I can never seem to be positive. Or something. I mean... more specifically, I am a very un-confident person. I'm trying to fix that!!

I wrote this down today on a piece of paper. It's the answer to the question why. Kind of in general... maybe more directly "why life?".

"Y? Because I want to reach my dreams. I don't know all my dreams yet. But I'm going to keep looking toward them, and imagining what I can't see. Sometimes I think that only in my imagination is where truth really exists. that is the place where I see clouds, lots of blue or in contrast, a storm -- endless flat horizons, a swirl of uplifting air, and heart-stopping heights with views of a thousand miles. A salty breeze, a sea of purple, lakes of silken smooth green, and other things we don't know."

I want to use my imagination more. I let myself get down about things in life-- the immediate things-- when I don't look deeper into truth, into the unreal, or perhaps the more real, the real truth. What is life? THIS is not all there is. I KNOW that, if only at least.