The thing about me moving out feels horrible, but it's not really about me being unwanted or other various interpretations that make me feel awful-- it's about this atmosphere being hard for me to be MYTRUESELF in. And that is completely right. I constantly worry about everything I'm doing because I haven't created good boundaries and set up a personal ... self. I worry about how I SHOULD be before I recognize what I am. Okay? Okay. So. Either I get over that, or I move out. I don't know what's possible regarding those two directions. But I do know that moving all my stuff to an apartment that is icky and that I don't even want to go to might be beyond upsetting; if this upset isn't worth the independence I'll gain by living in my own independent space, then I hate the idea! But I have to consider both staying here or going there; something has to happen between Monday and when I get a job in the city. And I have to stop compromising when my way is perfect. So what's my way? Living in the city-- but where do I go on Monday? That's something I can decide with my parent's help, but no matter what I need to stop letting everything hurt and mold my feelings, WATCH FOR WHO I AM instead of what seems like I SHOULD be, and balance my activities, keep from worrying and wishing about stuff/things to do/needs/necessities/requirements/time-limits/history that can't be changed or that I don't ultimately/truly want to change, and don't let my fear of the future and consequences of the past change my present actions.
Anime is GOOD for me. It makes me happy and encouraged (depending on the subject, of course:). It's time for me to accept that. On the other hand, it isn't good for me any more than some other activity that takes up too much time. Anime holds me focused more than most of my other likes and dislikes and activities, and too much of it isn't a good thing if I have to go do something else, or if I need to spend some time living my life. Anime is a restful activity-- it's like thinking. Thinking might be good, helpful, and productive, but it doesn't actually cause change like action does. Anime is the same in this way. So while I should *not* consider anime "evil"(say "negative") in terms of time, it must be balanced with actions if I am to stay balanced in my happiness. Essentially there are different kinds of happiness - relaxation, resolutions, absolute peace, delight, discovery, and probably more:) Anime IS all these things, except absolute peace and resolutions (it can sometimes provide absolute peace if it communicates a message from God, and it might hint at or bring up thoughts of resolutions, but it can't resolve things, as that would require a number of actions.)
I get depressed sometimes and cry. It's not one of the things holding me back, but I do want to try and understand the feeling: I figured out that when I am sad and I can't move from my crying position, when I just sit or lie down, and wait there for my sadness to go away, it's because I don't know what to do next. Even when I get up because I know I'm using time feeling sad and I want to use my time differently, I still don't know what to do next. So even if I change locations, until I stop feeling sad, I have to resume a still position somewhere, thinking in circles, my tears and sadness cycling through welling up and alternately drying. It doesn't stop cycling until I calm down from my circular thinking and sadness. Also, reminding myself "I'm going to cry later..." when I have something to go do, is good
This was a random diary entry but just as a peek into my life (and because I wanted to add the tag for this) I should tell you something.
I HATTTTTEEE AAAAAANNNNNNNTTSSS!
Not the family kind.
The disgusting smelly squishy melty squesldkfha;erighy ppooopy pink when you turn them over......in my food ....eating the marshmellow fluff crap and getting in the sink and the trash and DYING ALL OVER THE FLOOR BECUASE WE PUT OUT POISON and ARRGH
ANTS!
ANTS! GRRR!!!
I think though, they had to retreat momentarily from attacking in my room, because it was so depressing. The aura was, I mean, because I was emitting waves of depression from all the crying *giggle*
IF I believed in curses........
one more thing? vocaloid 鼻そうめんP ・ Hiroyuki ODA・HanasoumenP・HSP・かんざきひろ....
he or she... wow. amazing producer. up there with Avtechno, I think. I don't really know who these people are, though, so I'm a bit of amature talking about them but WOW.
Showing posts with label watching TV. Show all posts
Showing posts with label watching TV. Show all posts
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Standing Up for Myself-- BEING ME
I think I've been going wrong about my... main problem.
- * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - *
[ problem update:
1. depressed + anxious; on zoloft
2. unemployed / bum / irrationally low confidence
3. parents with their own ideas
4. parents who voice these ideas
5. parents with total lack of encouragement in my dreams because the dreams don't make sense to them
6. my dreams really do seem impossible
7. and to top it off, I have yet to prove I can reach these dreams ]
- * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - *
ADVICE
I shouldn't have said so often to Mom that I don't want advice. I do want her advice. Her advice is not my problem. I just need to tell her : please don't criticize my interests. These interests I have a hard time expressing without her discouragement include anime, my dreams such as becoming a pianist, an interpreter and translator, and a wife of a man who possibly does not live in my home country. As the subject comes up, I will say appropriate things like, "please don't critisize my love of anime. It's an old subject, and my anime-interest is equally time consuming as are my other hobbies." Also I can say, "I am determined to succeed in the career of my dreams with you and Daddy as my support system." Usually I just tell her I don't want to talk about it. Now I'm going to have a better answer.
WHAT I'M DOING WRONG IS: I'M NOT BELIEVING I CAN DO IT
Out of the various problems I have while living here in my parent's house, along with my brother Teddy, and Allison and her son, the number one issue I have is caving to my parent's advice. I am very influencible. Why? ONE: I don't believe in myself. I've got to be more confident.
And, well, maybe because I don't have a plan-- where there's a goal at the end and steps I'm going to take along a timeline-- and that makes me opinionless about my own life.
Basically I need to stand up for myself more often. I need to make more hard-core decisions. When I don't know what to do, I think hard about what I do want, and I decide. It's not about what others think. I know myself better than anyone else. Even more, I have good intuition about myself. This is because my mother taught me confidence. But I need to use my confidence, instead of letting the advice I hear from my family, including my mother) dissuade me.
In the end they will be happy if I am successful, but I WILL include them in my success, instead of walking away from them in order to succeed.
Just because they doubt me doesn't mean I need to give up on them.
Good, aye? Usually this is the part where the kid leaves his parent's house in a huff. But I'm not going to be angry at them for not trusting me. My forgiveness is partly due to the fact that their distrust makes sense.
THIS IS HARD
I feel really sick and awful. My dad just came in my room, JUST NOW as I was writing, with one of his attitudes, like "no argument, listen to me without responding, and only accept what I have to say, then take action exactly how I want you to"
They think I'm watching anime constantly. I watched about an hour today while exercising, and this evening a little before bed. Quite an addiction, don't you think? Would they rather I walk away from this "addiction" as if I have the strength to throw out my manga and DVDs and never touch videos on the internet again-- avoid my "addiction" until I burst and go back to it like a crazy person? Or should I learn to control it, like I'm doing now, monitoring my emotions, thinking, and feeling, like a living, breathing woman of courage, creativity, and music?
I also spoke with my counselor and had a wonderful session, feeling beautiful and confident and ready to look for a job within the next two days, bursting with ideas and belief in myself.
But my parents, who are worried, impatient to the point of explosion, have lost trust in me, and think I am a lazy, emotionally-uncontrolled bum, insist on trying to force me to change my habits and decisions by telling me I have to because this is their house. Even though it's been only a week since we talked about my job-getting plan, and I am already making progress on it just like planned.
STANDING UP
I'm going to be angry with my self and my situation, and use that power to do what I need to.
For a year, I've done nothing but sleep, feel depressed, get into massive arguments with my parents and little brother, half-heartedly play piano less than once a week, watch loads of TV, gain twenty pounds, pretend I want to learn Japanese, cut off contact with all my close friends or who I've ever met, and NEVER leave the house.
But now-- NOW! After a bit of counseling, pills, personal growth, and a lot of thought and journaling... I volunteer. I LEAVE THE HOUSE. I dress up, wear makeup, and perform like a professional on a to-die for Bösendorfer (fancy German piano) in a architecturally beautiful hospital famous for its healthcare.
I've also almost finished a resume that I've had edited by a professional who has worked with a lot of college students and kids looking for jobs.
I have plans to look for a job this week. I am working on my study ethic and creating good habits and goals for my life. I feel more serious than I ever have before. And God is going with me. He says so. He will give me strength. I'm going to keep praying. I need his help for sure....
I AM AFRAID BUT I WILL DO IT ANYWAY
I might cry after this decision. But I'm not going to give up anymore. I know what I want. I'm going to really try. I'm not going to change my decisions and habits anymore, I'm going to make decisions based on what I want to do. My mother and father are amazing people. I have their genes. I am their daughter. They taught me respect, responsibility, and LOVE. I like who I am. So. Now, I'm going to be that person.
To my beloved mother and father: I love you. Now trust me. Allow me the freedom to be the adult I am, and the adult I will become, and I will show you what I can do.
God is going with me. He says so. He will give me strength. I'm going to keep praying. I need his help for sure.... forever ; )
- * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - *
[ problem update:
1. depressed + anxious; on zoloft
2. unemployed / bum / irrationally low confidence
3. parents with their own ideas
4. parents who voice these ideas
5. parents with total lack of encouragement in my dreams because the dreams don't make sense to them
6. my dreams really do seem impossible
7. and to top it off, I have yet to prove I can reach these dreams ]
- * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - *
ADVICE
I shouldn't have said so often to Mom that I don't want advice. I do want her advice. Her advice is not my problem. I just need to tell her : please don't criticize my interests. These interests I have a hard time expressing without her discouragement include anime, my dreams such as becoming a pianist, an interpreter and translator, and a wife of a man who possibly does not live in my home country. As the subject comes up, I will say appropriate things like, "please don't critisize my love of anime. It's an old subject, and my anime-interest is equally time consuming as are my other hobbies." Also I can say, "I am determined to succeed in the career of my dreams with you and Daddy as my support system." Usually I just tell her I don't want to talk about it. Now I'm going to have a better answer.
WHAT I'M DOING WRONG IS: I'M NOT BELIEVING I CAN DO IT
Out of the various problems I have while living here in my parent's house, along with my brother Teddy, and Allison and her son, the number one issue I have is caving to my parent's advice. I am very influencible. Why? ONE: I don't believe in myself. I've got to be more confident.
And, well, maybe because I don't have a plan-- where there's a goal at the end and steps I'm going to take along a timeline-- and that makes me opinionless about my own life.
Basically I need to stand up for myself more often. I need to make more hard-core decisions. When I don't know what to do, I think hard about what I do want, and I decide. It's not about what others think. I know myself better than anyone else. Even more, I have good intuition about myself. This is because my mother taught me confidence. But I need to use my confidence, instead of letting the advice I hear from my family, including my mother) dissuade me.
In the end they will be happy if I am successful, but I WILL include them in my success, instead of walking away from them in order to succeed.
Just because they doubt me doesn't mean I need to give up on them.
Good, aye? Usually this is the part where the kid leaves his parent's house in a huff. But I'm not going to be angry at them for not trusting me. My forgiveness is partly due to the fact that their distrust makes sense.
THIS IS HARD
I feel really sick and awful. My dad just came in my room, JUST NOW as I was writing, with one of his attitudes, like "no argument, listen to me without responding, and only accept what I have to say, then take action exactly how I want you to"
They think I'm watching anime constantly. I watched about an hour today while exercising, and this evening a little before bed. Quite an addiction, don't you think? Would they rather I walk away from this "addiction" as if I have the strength to throw out my manga and DVDs and never touch videos on the internet again-- avoid my "addiction" until I burst and go back to it like a crazy person? Or should I learn to control it, like I'm doing now, monitoring my emotions, thinking, and feeling, like a living, breathing woman of courage, creativity, and music?
I also spoke with my counselor and had a wonderful session, feeling beautiful and confident and ready to look for a job within the next two days, bursting with ideas and belief in myself.
But my parents, who are worried, impatient to the point of explosion, have lost trust in me, and think I am a lazy, emotionally-uncontrolled bum, insist on trying to force me to change my habits and decisions by telling me I have to because this is their house. Even though it's been only a week since we talked about my job-getting plan, and I am already making progress on it just like planned.
STANDING UP
I'm going to be angry with my self and my situation, and use that power to do what I need to.
For a year, I've done nothing but sleep, feel depressed, get into massive arguments with my parents and little brother, half-heartedly play piano less than once a week, watch loads of TV, gain twenty pounds, pretend I want to learn Japanese, cut off contact with all my close friends or who I've ever met, and NEVER leave the house.
But now-- NOW! After a bit of counseling, pills, personal growth, and a lot of thought and journaling... I volunteer. I LEAVE THE HOUSE. I dress up, wear makeup, and perform like a professional on a to-die for Bösendorfer (fancy German piano) in a architecturally beautiful hospital famous for its healthcare.
I've also almost finished a resume that I've had edited by a professional who has worked with a lot of college students and kids looking for jobs.
I have plans to look for a job this week. I am working on my study ethic and creating good habits and goals for my life. I feel more serious than I ever have before. And God is going with me. He says so. He will give me strength. I'm going to keep praying. I need his help for sure....
I AM AFRAID BUT I WILL DO IT ANYWAY
I might cry after this decision. But I'm not going to give up anymore. I know what I want. I'm going to really try. I'm not going to change my decisions and habits anymore, I'm going to make decisions based on what I want to do. My mother and father are amazing people. I have their genes. I am their daughter. They taught me respect, responsibility, and LOVE. I like who I am. So. Now, I'm going to be that person.
To my beloved mother and father: I love you. Now trust me. Allow me the freedom to be the adult I am, and the adult I will become, and I will show you what I can do.
God is going with me. He says so. He will give me strength. I'm going to keep praying. I need his help for sure.... forever ; )
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Shame isn't the problem?
I've got an idea about swimming. WAIT-- what am I talking about?!
I'm free-writing cara-style, so no editing allowed, and whatever I'm thinking.)
I had an idea about... get addicted to stuff. See, I get really addicted to anime, as in, I can watch, and watch, and watch, when I need to quit and do something else for a bit. Like... SLEEP, or HOMEWORK, or CHORES... you get what I mean, right? That kind of stuff.
But I think that "addiction" in this way isn't necessarily something I do because I "need" it, like I don't "need" to get away from my problems. Not at ALL times, anyway. YES, anime does help me get away from my problems and if I didn't use it for that, I might not have my problems.
But I'm CRAZY about anime. And it's helping me learn a language and that I can go to another country and that will change my life. It's not a bad thing. For me to associate anime solely with a negative thing like addiction is really wrong of me to do. It's blowing it out of proportion.
I DO have an addiction to anime, but that's only half of what anime "does" to me, the other half is good, like I just explained with learning Japanese, and that I like it.
So I need to recognize how I am addicted to anime, and take control of that, since it's not the same as a physical addiction, and I can get better in only half an hour after one episode, it's not something I should view as negative.
Is it possible that because of drugs and porn sites and alcohol and sex, people view things like this more negatively than it needs to be? Let's be realistic: what really is my problem: myself, or the internet that allows me to watch anime and TV?
What weakness should I be worried about?
I guess what I'm saying is... SHAME should not be my number one feeling here. It might be getting in the way of what is truly, realistically the solution to my problem.
'Cause like I say, when I diet, I can't just deny myself goodies and snacks. When I do that, (personally) I end up FOCUSING on those goodies and snacks I'm trying to avoid, and I lose control. I don't think it will help me to try and build a wall between myself an anime. Yes, I partly just don't want quit watching it a lot.
But I think I should focus instead on what I WANT to do - that's learn Japanese, music, exercise, and find a job. I really need to prioritize certain things in that list, but ... hahahha anyway.
One step at a time. And I quote myself for summary =^..^=
"So I need to recognize how I am addicted to anime, and take control of that, since it's not the same as a physical addiction, and I can get better in only half an hour after one episode, it's not something I should view as negative. SHAME should not be my number one feeling here. It might be getting in the way of what is truly, realistically the solution to my problem."
I'm free-writing cara-style, so no editing allowed, and whatever I'm thinking.)
I had an idea about... get addicted to stuff. See, I get really addicted to anime, as in, I can watch, and watch, and watch, when I need to quit and do something else for a bit. Like... SLEEP, or HOMEWORK, or CHORES... you get what I mean, right? That kind of stuff.
But I think that "addiction" in this way isn't necessarily something I do because I "need" it, like I don't "need" to get away from my problems. Not at ALL times, anyway. YES, anime does help me get away from my problems and if I didn't use it for that, I might not have my problems.
But I'm CRAZY about anime. And it's helping me learn a language and that I can go to another country and that will change my life. It's not a bad thing. For me to associate anime solely with a negative thing like addiction is really wrong of me to do. It's blowing it out of proportion.
I DO have an addiction to anime, but that's only half of what anime "does" to me, the other half is good, like I just explained with learning Japanese, and that I like it.
So I need to recognize how I am addicted to anime, and take control of that, since it's not the same as a physical addiction, and I can get better in only half an hour after one episode, it's not something I should view as negative.
Is it possible that because of drugs and porn sites and alcohol and sex, people view things like this more negatively than it needs to be? Let's be realistic: what really is my problem: myself, or the internet that allows me to watch anime and TV?
What weakness should I be worried about?
I guess what I'm saying is... SHAME should not be my number one feeling here. It might be getting in the way of what is truly, realistically the solution to my problem.
'Cause like I say, when I diet, I can't just deny myself goodies and snacks. When I do that, (personally) I end up FOCUSING on those goodies and snacks I'm trying to avoid, and I lose control. I don't think it will help me to try and build a wall between myself an anime. Yes, I partly just don't want quit watching it a lot.
But I think I should focus instead on what I WANT to do - that's learn Japanese, music, exercise, and find a job. I really need to prioritize certain things in that list, but ... hahahha anyway.
One step at a time. And I quote myself for summary =^..^=
"So I need to recognize how I am addicted to anime, and take control of that, since it's not the same as a physical addiction, and I can get better in only half an hour after one episode, it's not something I should view as negative. SHAME should not be my number one feeling here. It might be getting in the way of what is truly, realistically the solution to my problem."
Friday, November 19, 2010
Self Control for Me! Plus a lot of quotes.
Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled over how much weight you have gained. ~Author Unknown
I have terrible self control problems. I don't deny myself anything, really. That can be good, but since I don't know what's good and what's not good for me, I don't always WANT the right things, so I go back and forth. Always-- back and forth between healthy and junk food, anime-binging and studying, exercising and laying around, staying up and going to bed-- it's making me such a mess. If I could just get myself in control a little better, all these problems would be so much smaller.
I found something on the internet that talks about getting self-control fixed up. I'm modifying it for myself and making a list.
1. What areas in my life are suffering and which are prospering? Do I push myself to try too hard without taking breaks for real? The whole time I take a break, I feel guilty? It's time to start sacrificing: work before play this time, and try mainly taking short breaks in evenings and longer breaks on weekends, or at least more in the evenings, so that I can be more accomplished and have sort-of guidelines about when I relax -- work before play.
2. Take time to get informed about the areas I don't have control over. For me, those are 1) connection to God, 2) studies, practice, and learning diligence, 3) exercise, 4) diet, and 5) listening to and communication with others. Not only should I be working on these things, but I should learn HOW to do better in these areas. It's no wonder I become daunted by gaining control over these goals-- they're too high when I don't know how to approach them.
ooookay, now the article is going on about denying myself things. Puh-leeeeze. I KNOW that. That's what self-control is. I don't know how to GET SELF CONTROL. Therefore I don't know HOW to deny myself things. That is THE PROBLEM. Aaaarrrg. Okay, there are some tips...
When it says self denial, it means that-- as a HABIT-- you have to make yourself into a person who... kind of... doesn't need stuff. You give things away, and make yourself do things you don't want to. As a habit. Like... all the time.
4. Become simple-- don't ask for things, give things away, don't buy things you don't need-- REALLY. Don't see this as "denial" but living necessarily. I don't have enough money for everything I want, anyway. I don't want to be the sort of person who denies herself things. I want to be the sort of person who doesn't want them in the first place. I could get used to that. But first, I have to actually deny myself stuff, until it's habit.
I thought of doing that, a while ago, but I gave it up as a rock-solid idea. It might really help me, though, and not just in the financial department. It is pretty selfish, though, in the ultimate sense, because I'm doing it for myself. :) I really don't like the idea right now.... I hate it....
5. Deliberately challenge myself with the things I'm addicted to. TV: turn on the TV for two hours and star at something in the room for two hours. Food: get a yummy piece of food on a plate and leave it there but don't eat it, drink water instead.
hmmm. I'm not sure that will work. The TV one is one of the tips. It would be okay. But with food? Denying myself food has always made me get fatter in the end. I don't know what to do....
Quotes I like that will help me: (from The Quote Garden - specifically "about dieting" and "Self Control")
When I was young, I observed that nine out of ten things I did were failures. So I did ten times more work. ~George Bernard Shaw
There's nothing like biting off more than you can chew, and then chewing anyway. ~Mark Burnett
Though the barriers of life seem formidable, we find when we challenge them that they have no will. ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com
One saves oneself much pain, by taking pains; much trouble, by taking trouble. ~Augustus William Hare and Julius Charles Hare, Guesses at Truth, by Two Brothers, 1827
The winds and waves are always on the side of the ablest navigators. ~Edward Gibbon, The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire
Most of us can easily do two things at once; what's all but impossible is to do one thing at once. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
If a man is called a streetsweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and Earth will pause to say, Here lived a great streetsweeper who did his job well. ~Martin Luther King, Jr.
For us, there is only the trying. The rest is not our business. ~T.S. Eliot
There are no easy methods of learning difficult things; the method is to close your door, give out that you are not at home, and work. ~Joseph de Maistre
Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still. ~Chinese Proverb
To go beyond is as wrong as to fall short. ~Confucius, Analects
As a means to success, determination has this advantage over talent - that it does not have to be recognized by others. ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com
When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum. ~Author Unknown
Difficult things take a long time, impossible things a little longer. ~André A. Jackson
Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use. ~Earl Nightingale
Oh, that's such a wonderful site. Yay, The Quote Garden !
I have terrible self control problems. I don't deny myself anything, really. That can be good, but since I don't know what's good and what's not good for me, I don't always WANT the right things, so I go back and forth. Always-- back and forth between healthy and junk food, anime-binging and studying, exercising and laying around, staying up and going to bed-- it's making me such a mess. If I could just get myself in control a little better, all these problems would be so much smaller.
I found something on the internet that talks about getting self-control fixed up. I'm modifying it for myself and making a list.
1. What areas in my life are suffering and which are prospering? Do I push myself to try too hard without taking breaks for real? The whole time I take a break, I feel guilty? It's time to start sacrificing: work before play this time, and try mainly taking short breaks in evenings and longer breaks on weekends, or at least more in the evenings, so that I can be more accomplished and have sort-of guidelines about when I relax -- work before play.
2. Take time to get informed about the areas I don't have control over. For me, those are 1) connection to God, 2) studies, practice, and learning diligence, 3) exercise, 4) diet, and 5) listening to and communication with others. Not only should I be working on these things, but I should learn HOW to do better in these areas. It's no wonder I become daunted by gaining control over these goals-- they're too high when I don't know how to approach them.
ooookay, now the article is going on about denying myself things. Puh-leeeeze. I KNOW that. That's what self-control is. I don't know how to GET SELF CONTROL. Therefore I don't know HOW to deny myself things. That is THE PROBLEM. Aaaarrrg. Okay, there are some tips...
When it says self denial, it means that-- as a HABIT-- you have to make yourself into a person who... kind of... doesn't need stuff. You give things away, and make yourself do things you don't want to. As a habit. Like... all the time.
4. Become simple-- don't ask for things, give things away, don't buy things you don't need-- REALLY. Don't see this as "denial" but living necessarily. I don't have enough money for everything I want, anyway. I don't want to be the sort of person who denies herself things. I want to be the sort of person who doesn't want them in the first place. I could get used to that. But first, I have to actually deny myself stuff, until it's habit.
I thought of doing that, a while ago, but I gave it up as a rock-solid idea. It might really help me, though, and not just in the financial department. It is pretty selfish, though, in the ultimate sense, because I'm doing it for myself. :) I really don't like the idea right now.... I hate it....
5. Deliberately challenge myself with the things I'm addicted to. TV: turn on the TV for two hours and star at something in the room for two hours. Food: get a yummy piece of food on a plate and leave it there but don't eat it, drink water instead.
hmmm. I'm not sure that will work. The TV one is one of the tips. It would be okay. But with food? Denying myself food has always made me get fatter in the end. I don't know what to do....
Quotes I like that will help me: (from The Quote Garden - specifically "about dieting" and "Self Control")
Self-respect is the root of discipline: The sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself. ~Abraham Joshua Heschel, The Insecurity of Freedom: Essays on Human Existence, 1967
Not being able to govern events, I govern myself, and apply myself to them, if they will not apply themselves to me. ~Michel de Montaigne, Essays, 1588
You must admit you have self-control before you can use it. ~Carrie Latet
Do you really think it is weakness that yields to temptation? I tell you that there are terrible temptations which it requires strength, strength and courage to yield to. ~Oscar Wilde
It's all right letting yourself go, as long as you can get yourself back. ~Mick Jagger
A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is.... A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in. ~C.S. Lewis
The one way to get thin is to re-establish a purpose in life. ~Cyril Connolly, The Unquiet Grave
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. ~Author Unknown
If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution. ~Author Unknown
Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels. ~Author Unknown
No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office. ~George Bernard Shaw
I have gained and lost the same ten pounds so many times over and over again my cellulite must have déjà vu. ~Jane Wagner
I think I just ate my willpower. ~Author Unknown
If you really want to be depressed, weigh yourself in grams. ~Jason Love
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. ~Ed Bluestone
History is apt to judge harshly those who sacrifice tomorrow for today. ~Harold MacMillan
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. ~Dave Barry
If you have formed the habit of checking on every new diet that comes along, you will find that, mercifully, they all blur together, leaving you with only one definite piece of information: french-fried potatoes are out. ~Jean Kerr
If you wish to grow thinner, diminish your dinner. ~H.S. Leigh
Probably nothing in the world arouses more false hopes than the first four hours of a diet. ~Dan Bennett
Don't go out of your weigh to please anyone but yourself. ~Author Unknown
Movement is a medicine for creating change in a person's physical, emotional, and mental states. ~Carol Welch
I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. ~Marsha Doble
Much good work is lost for the lack of a little more. ~Edward H. Harriman
The one thing that matters is the effort. It continues, whereas the end to be attained is but an illusion of the climber, as he fares on and on from crest to crest; and once the goal is reached it has no meaning. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Wisdom of the Sands, translated from French by Stuart Gilbert
I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it. ~Thomas Jefferson
Character is what emerges from all the little things you were too busy to do yesterday, but did anyway. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
I've got a theory that if you give 100 percent all of the time, somehow things will work out in the end. ~Larry Bird
No one understands that you have given everything. You must give more. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin
He who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance; one cannot fly into flying. ~Friedrich Nietzsche
Not being able to govern events, I govern myself, and apply myself to them, if they will not apply themselves to me. ~Michel de Montaigne, Essays, 1588
You must admit you have self-control before you can use it. ~Carrie Latet
Do you really think it is weakness that yields to temptation? I tell you that there are terrible temptations which it requires strength, strength and courage to yield to. ~Oscar Wilde
It's all right letting yourself go, as long as you can get yourself back. ~Mick Jagger
A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is.... A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in. ~C.S. Lewis
The one way to get thin is to re-establish a purpose in life. ~Cyril Connolly, The Unquiet Grave
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. ~Author Unknown
If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution. ~Author Unknown
Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels. ~Author Unknown
No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office. ~George Bernard Shaw
I have gained and lost the same ten pounds so many times over and over again my cellulite must have déjà vu. ~Jane Wagner
I think I just ate my willpower. ~Author Unknown
If you really want to be depressed, weigh yourself in grams. ~Jason Love
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. ~Ed Bluestone
History is apt to judge harshly those who sacrifice tomorrow for today. ~Harold MacMillan
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. ~Dave Barry
If you have formed the habit of checking on every new diet that comes along, you will find that, mercifully, they all blur together, leaving you with only one definite piece of information: french-fried potatoes are out. ~Jean Kerr
If you wish to grow thinner, diminish your dinner. ~H.S. Leigh
Probably nothing in the world arouses more false hopes than the first four hours of a diet. ~Dan Bennett
Don't go out of your weigh to please anyone but yourself. ~Author Unknown
Movement is a medicine for creating change in a person's physical, emotional, and mental states. ~Carol Welch
I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. ~Marsha Doble
Much good work is lost for the lack of a little more. ~Edward H. Harriman
The one thing that matters is the effort. It continues, whereas the end to be attained is but an illusion of the climber, as he fares on and on from crest to crest; and once the goal is reached it has no meaning. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Wisdom of the Sands, translated from French by Stuart Gilbert
I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it. ~Thomas Jefferson
Character is what emerges from all the little things you were too busy to do yesterday, but did anyway. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
I've got a theory that if you give 100 percent all of the time, somehow things will work out in the end. ~Larry Bird
No one understands that you have given everything. You must give more. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin
He who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance; one cannot fly into flying. ~Friedrich Nietzsche
When I was young, I observed that nine out of ten things I did were failures. So I did ten times more work. ~George Bernard Shaw
There's nothing like biting off more than you can chew, and then chewing anyway. ~Mark Burnett
Though the barriers of life seem formidable, we find when we challenge them that they have no will. ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com
One saves oneself much pain, by taking pains; much trouble, by taking trouble. ~Augustus William Hare and Julius Charles Hare, Guesses at Truth, by Two Brothers, 1827
The winds and waves are always on the side of the ablest navigators. ~Edward Gibbon, The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire
Most of us can easily do two things at once; what's all but impossible is to do one thing at once. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
If a man is called a streetsweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and Earth will pause to say, Here lived a great streetsweeper who did his job well. ~Martin Luther King, Jr.
For us, there is only the trying. The rest is not our business. ~T.S. Eliot
There are no easy methods of learning difficult things; the method is to close your door, give out that you are not at home, and work. ~Joseph de Maistre
Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still. ~Chinese Proverb
To go beyond is as wrong as to fall short. ~Confucius, Analects
Don't be afraid to give your best to what seemingly are small jobs. Every time you conquer one it makes you that much stronger. If you do the little jobs well, the big ones will tend to take care of themselves. ~Dale Carnegie
Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have crossed the mountain. ~Author Unknown
Put your heart, mind, intellect and soul even to your smallest acts. This is the secret of success. ~Swami Sivananda
Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have crossed the mountain. ~Author Unknown
Put your heart, mind, intellect and soul even to your smallest acts. This is the secret of success. ~Swami Sivananda
When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. ~Franklin D. Roosevelt
Fall seven times, stand up eight. ~Japanese Proverb
If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again. ~Flavia Weedn, Flavia and the Dream Maker, © Flavia.com
The race is not always to the swift, but to those who keep on running. ~Author unknown, in reference to Ecclesiastes 9:11, "I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all."
It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer. ~Albert Einstein
People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them. ~G.B. Shaw, Mrs. Warren's Profession, 1893
There is no telling how many miles you will have to run while chasing a dream. ~Author Unknown
Don't be discouraged. It's often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock. ~Author Unknown
The great majority of men are bundles of beginnings. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
One may go a long way after one is tired. ~French Proverb
Vitality shows in not only the ability to persist but the ability to start over. ~F. Scott FitzgeraldFall seven times, stand up eight. ~Japanese Proverb
If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again. ~Flavia Weedn, Flavia and the Dream Maker, © Flavia.com
The race is not always to the swift, but to those who keep on running. ~Author unknown, in reference to Ecclesiastes 9:11, "I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all."
It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer. ~Albert Einstein
People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them. ~G.B. Shaw, Mrs. Warren's Profession, 1893
There is no telling how many miles you will have to run while chasing a dream. ~Author Unknown
The great majority of men are bundles of beginnings. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
One may go a long way after one is tired. ~French Proverb
As a means to success, determination has this advantage over talent - that it does not have to be recognized by others. ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com
When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum. ~Author Unknown
Difficult things take a long time, impossible things a little longer. ~André A. Jackson
Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use. ~Earl Nightingale
Oh, that's such a wonderful site. Yay, The Quote Garden !
Sunday, September 26, 2010
The Final Crash Project List
My dad had ANOTHER talk with me. But I didn't mind it. My attitude has changed, I think. I did a good job of mostly "listening" and I didn't argue when I wanted to.
Because as much as I want to put up protests and make excuses, the truth is that is just what they are. If I haven't succeeded in the areas that my dad wants me to -- getting a job, getting an education, helping out around the house, keeping my room clean-- then he may as well be right and I need to listen to his advice. Of course, I have my own opinions about how I can fix my laziness and assorted other bad habits, but it's not like I've even taken my own advice.
So I just listened! It worked pretty well. He gave me a list of the things that he talked to me about, and asked me to keep it so that we could look at it later and see how well my progress as gone.
That sort of thing is really helpful to me! I like it because I have a real person to be accountable to. Usually I make lists for myself, but that leaves me only accountable to myself. And I agree with basically everything on the list, except he wants me not to watch TV on my laptop anymore...
And yet didn't I just post that I wanted to do that? I haven't been able to meet the goal of "never watching" yet.
I'm making it sound difficult, when really that's just me making bad decisions. And even what I'm writing here... is, yet, the same thing. But I think it's important that I keep trying to use my time wisely. I do need to focus more on my goals instead of procrastinating. I use TV to procrastinate. I suppose this is a habit I'm going to HAVE to change. Here's my lsit of things that I really need to do, in this order, before I can effectively start using that planner-schedule I keep trying to do (the by-the-minute one).
This list is important because I have a hard time being organized when my room is messy. Also, this list is important because my life is in disarray (messy room, no job, and I'm too shy all the time, kind of like... a female hikikomori... haha... eh.) so I'm trying to get over the problem areas so I can actually work on a normal schedule (being prepared to work full time, and sleeping at normal times, and studying productively for nursing school).
The Final Crash Project List
WOOO HAHAHAHAHAHAHa (evil laugh)
1. go to sleep/bed after nine pm at night.
2. clean my room. clean something else to help around the house, at least 3 things, per day.
3. exercise every day.
4. make myself pretty even if I'm planning on exercising in a minute. otherwise, I'll be too scared to let people see me, and then I get afraid to go other places in the house.
5. practice piano, five hours a day. HA. Beat that, Cara from before this post. (I'm competing with myself. What? No, I don't have multiple personality disorder! XD Because my multiple personalities are all named Cara, therefore, they're still me.)
6. look for jobs as an accompanist. look for jobs as a nursing assistant if that doesn't work. it might not, because music schools have jobs available for their music students, not me, right? a church is possible, though. i just may need to look for a CNA job in the first place anyway. -- BASICALLY, JUST GET A JOB OUT OF NECESSITY. JUST DO IT!!!
k. I'm pasting it into my daynotes. byebye.
Because as much as I want to put up protests and make excuses, the truth is that is just what they are. If I haven't succeeded in the areas that my dad wants me to -- getting a job, getting an education, helping out around the house, keeping my room clean-- then he may as well be right and I need to listen to his advice. Of course, I have my own opinions about how I can fix my laziness and assorted other bad habits, but it's not like I've even taken my own advice.
So I just listened! It worked pretty well. He gave me a list of the things that he talked to me about, and asked me to keep it so that we could look at it later and see how well my progress as gone.
That sort of thing is really helpful to me! I like it because I have a real person to be accountable to. Usually I make lists for myself, but that leaves me only accountable to myself. And I agree with basically everything on the list, except he wants me not to watch TV on my laptop anymore...
And yet didn't I just post that I wanted to do that? I haven't been able to meet the goal of "never watching" yet.
I'm making it sound difficult, when really that's just me making bad decisions. And even what I'm writing here... is, yet, the same thing. But I think it's important that I keep trying to use my time wisely. I do need to focus more on my goals instead of procrastinating. I use TV to procrastinate. I suppose this is a habit I'm going to HAVE to change. Here's my lsit of things that I really need to do, in this order, before I can effectively start using that planner-schedule I keep trying to do (the by-the-minute one).
This list is important because I have a hard time being organized when my room is messy. Also, this list is important because my life is in disarray (messy room, no job, and I'm too shy all the time, kind of like... a female hikikomori... haha... eh.) so I'm trying to get over the problem areas so I can actually work on a normal schedule (being prepared to work full time, and sleeping at normal times, and studying productively for nursing school).
The Final Crash Project List
WOOO HAHAHAHAHAHAHa (evil laugh)
1. go to sleep/bed after nine pm at night.
2. clean my room. clean something else to help around the house, at least 3 things, per day.
3. exercise every day.
4. make myself pretty even if I'm planning on exercising in a minute. otherwise, I'll be too scared to let people see me, and then I get afraid to go other places in the house.
5. practice piano, five hours a day. HA. Beat that, Cara from before this post. (I'm competing with myself. What? No, I don't have multiple personality disorder! XD Because my multiple personalities are all named Cara, therefore, they're still me.)
6. look for jobs as an accompanist. look for jobs as a nursing assistant if that doesn't work. it might not, because music schools have jobs available for their music students, not me, right? a church is possible, though. i just may need to look for a CNA job in the first place anyway. -- BASICALLY, JUST GET A JOB OUT OF NECESSITY. JUST DO IT!!!
k. I'm pasting it into my daynotes. byebye.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Random Daily Entry!
You know how people talk about "creative outlet"s? Well, TV is not a creative outlet. It's a creative INLET. Which means you're being lazy.
I love TV. I don't want to be lazy. But I am. Urrrg.
This is a really random post.
Anyway, here are my "goal-activities" I want to keep thinking about. Also below that I'll type my... "life-points".
1) Pray
2) Beauty
3) FAT loss
4) Bible
5) Music
6) Language
1. Pray. Talk to God about stuff, never shut him out, and when I do, tell him I'm sorry. Ask if I'm doing wrong things. Talk to him in the morning and at night, and during the day. Most of all, remember he has a PLAN for my life and I'm being silly by worrying about all this career-picking, as if it's solely my responsibility!!!
2. Beauty: I need to start taking care of myself, and considering "looks" important, instead of telling myself they're not. If I do that, I'm denying how I feel. I DO think looks are important. This probably sounds dumb to other people, but I grew up thinking it was really really "bad" to be "vain"... and looking at yourself in the mirror, and taking to long to make yourself pretty, and all that. For some reason, it's important to me-- a LOT. So I'm going to make it my number 2 goal :) Like, when I WALK OUT OF MY ROOM I should be happy with how I look, or even, ALL the time.
3) FAT loss: well, what it sounds like. I'm trying to be more negative-- or... TRUTH-TELLING-- about it in order to take it seriously. :) TAKE IT SERIOUSLY!!! Eat healthier, listen to my stomach, and exercise!
4) Bible: studies! Read SOMETHING each day.
5) Music: more studies. Enjoy it! This includes piano practice and theory, both. Dividing them is dumb, they're one and the same. Practice and study theory!
6) Language: my third study thing. Have fun!! This includes Japanese (now) and Spanish, which I haven't started yet, but need to finish before Japanese. Five characters and Spanish verbs!
Lifepoints!
A. Other people. Always care about other people's feelings more than mine. If I do that wholly, then my feelings will BE theirs, and I WILL be happy. Other people are what my life is about-- but that's just my opinion. :) If I don't do this, I am normally very selfish. So it won't hurt a thing.
B. Me. Draw a line for MY boundary and the location of other people's boundaries. Before I care for others, I have to take care of myself to some extent or I'll be on the street after giving my belongings to the poor. That doesn't do any good for myself OR others. You get what I mean, right?
So even though other people's feelings come first, in the most basic way I do have to care for myself first, or I won't be able to be there for others in the way that really is necessary. I want to be someone with family and friends who can depend on me, and vice versa. I'm now on my way to become that person, but I'll probably not ever be perfect, so I shouldn't stand around "waiting" for something. I have to GO for it, and enjoy the moment, as well as the thought of the future.
ONE MORE THING! I'm not trying hard enough. I'm not going through any pain in my life-- and even though this sucks-- it's true that through suffering and hardship you will get good things. I need to study in order to be happy in my life, with a career (and a way to support myself). I've been saying I need to create a schedule. And I have done that, but I don't take it very seriously, and when I don't get it done, I don't worry about it. NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!! I have to make this HARD on myself and get PASSIONATE when I don't do well. I'm the type of person who is really GOOD at beating herself up. x_x So why don't I take advantage of that? Because I listen to all those people who say, "Take it easy!" or "Don't be so hard on yourself!" Well, I'm not listening to them anymore. When I do those things, that's when I fail. I am a natural PERFECTIONIST and a WINNER, not someone who forgives herself for a failure that didn't need to happen! I'm going to try harder now.
Well... there was some rambling for you! I will be re-reading this later, though, because it's coming from my heart. I really want to change these things.
I love TV. I don't want to be lazy. But I am. Urrrg.
This is a really random post.
Anyway, here are my "goal-activities" I want to keep thinking about. Also below that I'll type my... "life-points".
1) Pray
2) Beauty
3) FAT loss
4) Bible
5) Music
6) Language
1. Pray. Talk to God about stuff, never shut him out, and when I do, tell him I'm sorry. Ask if I'm doing wrong things. Talk to him in the morning and at night, and during the day. Most of all, remember he has a PLAN for my life and I'm being silly by worrying about all this career-picking, as if it's solely my responsibility!!!
2. Beauty: I need to start taking care of myself, and considering "looks" important, instead of telling myself they're not. If I do that, I'm denying how I feel. I DO think looks are important. This probably sounds dumb to other people, but I grew up thinking it was really really "bad" to be "vain"... and looking at yourself in the mirror, and taking to long to make yourself pretty, and all that. For some reason, it's important to me-- a LOT. So I'm going to make it my number 2 goal :) Like, when I WALK OUT OF MY ROOM I should be happy with how I look, or even, ALL the time.
3) FAT loss: well, what it sounds like. I'm trying to be more negative-- or... TRUTH-TELLING-- about it in order to take it seriously. :) TAKE IT SERIOUSLY!!! Eat healthier, listen to my stomach, and exercise!
4) Bible: studies! Read SOMETHING each day.
5) Music: more studies. Enjoy it! This includes piano practice and theory, both. Dividing them is dumb, they're one and the same. Practice and study theory!
6) Language: my third study thing. Have fun!! This includes Japanese (now) and Spanish, which I haven't started yet, but need to finish before Japanese. Five characters and Spanish verbs!
Lifepoints!
A. Other people. Always care about other people's feelings more than mine. If I do that wholly, then my feelings will BE theirs, and I WILL be happy. Other people are what my life is about-- but that's just my opinion. :) If I don't do this, I am normally very selfish. So it won't hurt a thing.
B. Me. Draw a line for MY boundary and the location of other people's boundaries. Before I care for others, I have to take care of myself to some extent or I'll be on the street after giving my belongings to the poor. That doesn't do any good for myself OR others. You get what I mean, right?
So even though other people's feelings come first, in the most basic way I do have to care for myself first, or I won't be able to be there for others in the way that really is necessary. I want to be someone with family and friends who can depend on me, and vice versa. I'm now on my way to become that person, but I'll probably not ever be perfect, so I shouldn't stand around "waiting" for something. I have to GO for it, and enjoy the moment, as well as the thought of the future.
ONE MORE THING! I'm not trying hard enough. I'm not going through any pain in my life-- and even though this sucks-- it's true that through suffering and hardship you will get good things. I need to study in order to be happy in my life, with a career (and a way to support myself). I've been saying I need to create a schedule. And I have done that, but I don't take it very seriously, and when I don't get it done, I don't worry about it. NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!! I have to make this HARD on myself and get PASSIONATE when I don't do well. I'm the type of person who is really GOOD at beating herself up. x_x So why don't I take advantage of that? Because I listen to all those people who say, "Take it easy!" or "Don't be so hard on yourself!" Well, I'm not listening to them anymore. When I do those things, that's when I fail. I am a natural PERFECTIONIST and a WINNER, not someone who forgives herself for a failure that didn't need to happen! I'm going to try harder now.
Well... there was some rambling for you! I will be re-reading this later, though, because it's coming from my heart. I really want to change these things.
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