On Track

It's coming to the end of the quarter here at school and I have not failed anything. But... I should be LESS excited about THAT, and more excited that I am going to get grades above a C!

[In two classes.]

That is very good for me. I am going at it step by step this time, and...

 ...whenever I feel like saying, "ooh-- now THAT looks like a challenge! Meh! I can do it. Sign me up--"...

I don't!

Because even if you're brave, and strong, and if you liken it to video game terms you've got a HUGE HP, well, pooh tooh ee. Nobody is invincible-- at least, I am from the normal world and am pretty much talking to normal people (....haha, uh, right?...) Don't be irrational about the stuff you take on. There have been times that I do that.

And it's not like I went at such a task with lots of motivation and energy-- or if I did, I didn't keep it up-- no. I went, "YES, I CAN!" and then did nothing.

So, yes. Small steps are the way to go, for me, right now.

My counselor brought up a fascinating word to me yesterday-- a very relevant word to how things sometimes go for me. Or I should say, the way I end up making my decisions.

(The way I say that hints at the apathy I have towards making decisions and taking action-- I word it like it's not under my control, and sometimes it legitimately does feel like I can't control my self.)

The word is A.... just a second.

Avolition. Okay. So Volition is like, of your own will. You do it because it springs from your chest and you choose to follow that, whatever it be, an action, choice, or feeling, I suppose.

Darn it, that's not a word. Um, I guess I mean "abolition". I feel that it should be the same as what I just defined it as, but it could be wishful thinking, so, just a second again, I will go check. Whoa. Also totally wrong. Abolition's like, totally abolishing something. Doing away with it. It's not even a feeling. SIGH~

'Kay, I had it right the first time. Sorry. It means, literally, "poverty of will", and not only can be a symptom of depression (I knew that) but can be also symptomatic of schizophrenia. (I did not *freaks out* know that.) And there's another one, abulia, poverty of motivation.

So the first one (avolition) is where you can't wish or have a desire to rise up and do something (you end up doing nothing, just sitting for a while) and the second one (abulia) is where there is some reason that you aren't motivated or pushed by anything-- you aren't drawn forward into the future, and being successful-- you have no reason for things. I have trouble differenciating the two, but it sounds like abulia is more external, stuff you can't control. It also affects the ability to make decisions and set goals.

*I just remembered-- I reaaally hope my internet works. Argh. It was down last night.*

*I am addicted to PAD / puzzle and dragons, American version, as well as anime, particularly One Piece (ep. 208) right now, but I entertain myself with many different animes, like Parasyte, and I just watched Golden Time, and I also think Yona of the Dawn is fantastic and well done! Ah, this list could go on for a while.*

Ahhh!! Also, my Dad got hit by a car today! (I know I'm getting distracted from the topic, but... but...) He is okay, just fine, really, but still, he did get hit, and bruised, I'm sure (they live a couple thousand miles from me) and his watch broke, too! (How did that happen? Maybe his arm flung one way or the other.)

I'm going back to my mom's text to check on the details....

ARGH! The driver left the scene. Also, he has a black eye! My poor daddy! And we're talking about an old fogie, here, he's like, sixty now. Or fifty-nine. Lemme look that up, too.

Haha. Just kidding, and sorry, Daddy. I do believe he's 57.

ANNNYYYway. Back to what I was saying about avolition and abulia-- those are things I do sometimes! I'm learning ways to get around them, though, because they are caused by something very specific, so the more I can identify how I feel, when I feel it, and what caused it, then I can backtrack and take my mind back around to the place before I felt lifeless and actionless, goal-less and decisionless.

Here's my situation, for an example of what this is like.

I get assigned homework. This is normal, I know.

And people all over the world know how to deal with this phenomena-- do the homework. Get it done. Sometime, get it done. (Although many of us procrastinate, that's also normal.)

But, like, this feeling I have, sometimes, is waaay too extreme for procrastination. I'm telling you, okay, I've been to college for three years and I couldn't finish there-- had to LEAVE-- because my grades were just not okay. They were F's. F's, and B's, and A's, and D's. It was a big mix of "I can do this" and "I am totally going to die academically" and "I will just get everything done in these last two weeks"

And... it didn't work. (also an example of trying to take on challenges that were too big.)

But that kind of procrastination-- not going to class, sleeping instead, watching anime instead, doing nothing instead, promising myself over and over that I would change and renew and fix it, and breaking my promise regularly-- that kind of procrastination is no longer measurable on the procrastination scale-- it has metamorphosed into avolition.

So back on track-- homework is assigned.

But why am I going to school? See, I am not a lazy person. My actions look lazy, but it's entirely different. I clean house with a vigor and a polishing rag like a person who is germaphobic. I organize books and papers with tabs and color-coding. I love to write, and type fast, and practice hours and hours of piano at a time. I go the extra mile for other people, and I run home instead of walking just because I want to get there faster.

No, I am very motivated.........

.. Sometimes.

I am in SCHOOL because I WANT to beCOME somebody.

I change my mind every once in a while, but I've come to the conclusion that I need to find something I ENJOY and become AMaZiNg at it.

This has really never changed about me. So why did I stop going to class? Why was I hiding, and avoiding, and sitting stagnantly in the midst of a rushing river of academia, just swirling around me, ready to take me somewhere wonderful?

I guess it was avolition. I mean, that's a way to label it. But what caused it?

Here it is-- I've seriously got this figured out. For myself, at least. Maybe not for you. :-\

1. You don't have to do all of it at once. In fact, you can lie, or tell the truth, but say this! to yourself: "Don't do it all right now. Just do a little bit-- right now. But---do NOT do all of it."

    (Reason for this strategy: I have trouble starting. The energy required to start may be small, but I can see the whole process, all at once, and I know how much work that means-- or at least, my pessimistic view of how much work it will be, scares me. It scares me so much, I pretend it doesn't exist, and get surprised every time I remember. Not to mention a stomach ache.)

2. In order to not procrastinate, do things right when you think of them, or when the need arises.
for example, fold laundry upon taking it out of the dryer. Just do it. (Nike). If you don't, it's not the end of the world, but it will be the end of your folded laundry. Hold yourself accountable and just do it-- you have to do it sometime.

    2a. In another example, do homework after class, if you have a free period. That one you may have heard from teachers. Well, I don't know if these things work for everybody, because I am unique, and my mind works in an Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) kind of way, so that makes me on a different track that you may or may not be on.

Anyway, I have run out of time to keep typing, and I feel like I said something I wanted to say, so, thank you for reading.

You are fantastic, and you need to believe in yourself and give your inner self a hug, and remember that you haven't gotten to the future, yet. So don't write anything off.

Just do your best-- and remember you will never know what your best is, because it can always get better!

Accepting! Running for your Life!

I got up this morning at 10:30-ish. I had boring breakfast and stuffed myself. I've gotten really hungry for milk lately, I eat it with chocolate or strawberry mix. I think it helps me lose weight because I drink it and BAM! there's half my stomach filled, but it acts as protein and builds and heals my exercised muscles. Cool, right? And it tastes so yummy.　But I get a lot of sugar, too... so if I when I am not working out, I avoid that, haha.

... The most lbs. I've lost so far... NINE pounds!!! Well, I can't officially count this until I can hold the weight for a three weeks, not just two.

Next, I did some anime watching, and after that, working out. Those were the main things, but it took me a while to start working out. My goal is to work out earlier in the morning, I could exercise twice a day if I did that, since there would be more time and energy in the evening for a second go.

Working out was good, not as hard as Wednesday's, and I felt more tired. I played DDR (YAY!!!) and ran outside. Tomorrow, I'll push myself harder. I think I have more energy at night, but I want to try and change my metabolism to start up earlier, is that weird?

GASP it's 2am. This isn't much of a "post before nighttime sleep" since it's morning....gaaaaa--

When I run outside, it really helps me to pretend that someone's chasing me. Especially if I imagine I'm going somewhere, (my castle/tower home, where I'll be safe when I arrive because we have security, but until then I must keep ahead of my pursuers, so I pretend the path I run on is the only one that runs through a thick forest). It feels real when I notice the smells of the trees and other green stuff outside. Especially what helps is to listen to my ipod, that keeps me going if nothing else does.

I was watching Phantom: requiem two or three days ago, and here's a quote that confirms this amazing idea while running: "When you pursue, think as if you're running. When you run, vice versa." How perfect is that? When I run, I'm NOT being chased, I'm pursing weight loss (or a workout), and so it makes me want to stop! Especially if I remember how easy it is to quit, and how much better I'd feel if I could go have lunch and watch anime or take a bath, or the fact that I haven't done the dishes. So quitting would be easy... but if I forget that I'm the one pursuing weight loss, and instead imagine that I'm running for my life, it becomes... easy. 

The only problem is that it takes a lot of focus to imagine things like that, and sometimes you forget to keep it up.

I also spent forever printing the Japanese Grammar Guide (click here for the link, there's a PDF and a lot of other language versions, too). I had to put it in THREE SEPARATE VOLUMES! But it was fun, and I learned new kanji in the process of decorating the cover. I will show them to you! :) :)

決める

「きめる」

kimeru

to decide

 

夢

「ゆめ」

yume

dream

 
午後三時です。

「ごごさんじです」  

gogo sanji desu

it's three p.m.

  

夜明けに

「よあけに」  

yoa ke ni  

at dawn

午前十二時です。

「ごぜんじゅうにじです」

gozen juuniji desu

it's twelve a.m. 

They say we would remember our dreams better if we wrote down what we remembered after we wake up-- that eventually we'd remember more and more each time. My life is a bit like a dream, really! I forget what I do, day by day. That means that I can't as easily change my habits, and that I try things over and over, wishing for different results, and not getting them. (Trying to lose weight without exercising or lessening sugar, going to sleep at THREE AM and thinking I won't be tired, etc.)

So I'm going to TRY and be less vague in my posts from now on-- as in, I'm going to write about the actual DETAILS of my life, like what the clock says and my daily choices. I can't lie to myself this way!

Journaling could be considered a form of meditation, you know. Meditation (in Kabbat-zin's book I'm reading) is all about being aware of what's really going on. Instead of trusting your perception, which would be how see something that you haven't really stood back and looked at objectively. Journaling can be a form of objective reporting-- as long as you avoid saying this/that is good or bad, and NO worrying about the past or future! I'm going to try it-- just telling the truth of what you see right then! Of course, maybe it's not pure meditation (I WILL be thinking, just not worrying) about past and future. It's not as simple as meditation in that sense, but then I might be a little off in the definition of meditation right now as I'm not very far into the book. No judging yourself harshly is pretty good for thought, whether or not you're meditating, right? :)

IDEAS
am- med
pm - journal

all day - prayer
- - - - - - - - -

Also while running... I came up with a better idea of how to look at other people. I thought, sometimes I love the uniqueness of my family. They're like anime characters in the way they're so unique-- compulsive, argumentative, obsessive, loving, and stubborn.

But I always want to help them; usually in a unhelpful, unwanted-advice like this-is-how-I-would-do-it sort of way. I don't think of my advice-giving from their point of view. And that really IS too complicated-- what I should do INSTEAD is this: accept people exactly as they are, not as they could be, and their potential, but right NOW. 

In anime, especially in the comical parts, the authors and animators like to make us laugh by showing off unique characters' quirks. These characters are weird and unique, for example, really beautiful, really dorky, really ecstatic, hyper, girly, manly, physically small, any type of extreme characteristic. The other characters either enjoy, are pulled along into the fray, or simply deal with their friends' and enemies' actions as best as they can. But they don't ever tell them they're weird or that they need to change. They only react to those characters' actions. Sometimes they imply "you're weird" or to that effect, but we as viewers don't ever expect the character to become less weird. And we love them weird. If they weren't weird, the anime would be boring and we'd go watch a better anime with more interesting characters.

If people can change, most can do it themselves. Only when I know exactly what to say can I give advice, and also only when I'm sure it's needed! In my family, that's .00001 % of the time, so never! (My family members are stubborn, and also very intuitive and don't need help like I sometimes imagine they do.)

That would feel so much better. I was saying recently that "respect" was the most encompassing way to explain this idea I just wrote, but really, "acceptance" is a little more encompassing. Respect is still included, but in a way, acceptance is a recipe with a little more of love-ingredient.

Acceptance lets you love and respect someone, but it adds something else. When you accept someone, you accept them completely and whole. Teddy, I don't just accept that you're you as you are-- but I know that you CAN become a better you-- if there is one. I have NO doubt you can fly, you can make whatever you want, go wherever you want, do what you can, be the best you--- I believe in you.♥

Gameshows Tell You the Truth Right Away!

Focusing on one thing in life is more useful for me. I am always trying to tell myself (I plan and think a lot but don't DO it, mostly) that I need to start (keyword: *start*) studying Japanese regularly, studying music regularly, etc etc. Those are good things, but I have to PRIORITIZE, meaning, pick one to go crazy over.

Right now, I feel that losing weight would change my entire life. I'm letting my weight change how I feel about myself. I could either get over it, or I could actually lose weight. I think the latter option is the best one, but it will only become possible when I start making it my mission in my tiny little life right here. Until I do that, I won't get closer to being happy.

But even better, some of this will come in time. I can be focusing intensely on losing weight, without neglecting other major types of focus like Japanese or religion. These things happen; I'll become internally motivated on accident-- I won't have to make myself. I've noticed it happens sometimes. But until it does or even when it doesn't, I should try and focus on usually just one thing at a time that I think is most important in my life-- a driving sort of force of learning... or education.

Other things need to be part of my life, not as a driving force, but as a living force, like breathing, a peaceful habit-- things that are necessary, such as: not lying down all day, prayer, eating, working (I'll have to work on that one, it's unknown territory) taking pills on-time, and sleeping regularly.

Another thing-- awareness is the same as telling the truth. I lie to myself all the time, really! Mindfulness is going to help me. After watching some of Fullmetal Alchemist, I thought about the flow of life idea-- that it's bad to assume you're above it, and try to change it.

I don't agree with tons of stuff in anime, spiritually and religiously, but it presents so many beautiful ideas! Really, there are many things animes have taught and are still teaching me. Anyway, I tie this to Fullmetal Alchemist by explaining that I thought I was above my life, above making decisions, even, as if, since I will be successful in the future, what I do now doesn't matter, because I'm perfect. EEERRRRRMP! WRONG!

Anyway, I've been telling myself things that aren't true, and imagining that I'm doing okay when I'm not. If I haven't succeeded at something, I may never. I always hope that somehow I'll be famous someday, and beautiful, and terribly skinny, and have awesome reflexes, and create amazing, strong bonds of friendship and love with people in the world... but these are all in my imagination. I can't just expect that I'm an amazing person-- I have to accept who I am and try and live.

Past and Future

My blog needs to be the place where I record my every important thought, right when I think it (if not, I will forget). That way, my blog will be like a reflection of my life-- a TRUE diary! Since I've recently discovered that I can send posts by text, my posts will now arrive when I'm away from home! Soooo great. :) :) :O

I am reading and editing my old posts and I am impressed with my changes that I've made over time. I started my blog when I was still in school, so... it actually marks a really monumental time in my life... when I was being fantastically stupid. I shouldn't put myself down, but I'm trying to describe how irritated I am at my attitude of that time. :) I was really in denial about my school failure. (I'm having a hard time writing these sentences because I still want to deny these things!) I had gotten to a point where I was completely getting F's and not going to school at all, and still allowing everyone around me, including myself, to think that I would be able to fix things. But it really was past "too late" and effectively, I was lying to myself and whoever I spoke to about school. If my parents hadn't ordered me home, I would have continued that until the school had kicked me out! I suppose it could have worked out in the end, but coming home was also a good solution-- better, in fact-- because I am now able to try and solve this problem with my family communication problems. Even if I had been able to pick myself up at school and start living on my own, I wouldn't have solved the problem with me and my mom always fighting. Now, I think I can figure that out because I'm here with the problem right in my face, a counselor to guide me, and the desire to fix things.

Soon, I'm going to go back to school, starting with just one class. I'm going to work toward getting a music degree... something I should have done a long time ago, but I couldn't, because I didn't realize it was what I should do. :)

So I'm going to get a music degree. It's not a huge deal what kind-- yet-- and I'm not decided yet. But eventually I will decide on something music related, after I've taken some theory. I'll learn Japanese on the side, because I love it. Hopefully I will get a good job that can tide me over without making school impossible. I will get good grades because I will be trying my best and believing in myself, so I know I can do it and I have a imaginary path to follow. Then I will try to go to Japan. I can try the JET program, or just go as a missionary with my church, maybe even that first and then JET. (They might more likely accept me if I have more experience.) Now, this part is harder to imagine-- I would like to get further education in music at a Japanese university-- probably in composing, but I really don't know at this point. :) If I had more of a dream set up for myself, it would help, but I don't have to know that yet. Most importantly, I can remind myself all I have to do is make music (whether it's playing, writing, or singing) and I will be happy. I don't have to worry that my dream isn't complicated and specific. Simple is good. I forget that a lot.

PS. If my "music" path changes towards languages, or even something else, that's okay too. I don't think that is quite as likely, but I have admit that all I'm doing right now is planning. It's not like I can SEE the future.

Ground Zero: Depressed! Or Not!

I made a new goal list, in >>Ground Zero>>. I make new ones so much, I'm starting to doubt in their value. What if it's all hopeless-- that everything I try to do will never end up in the place I want it to be in? I try and try and try, but am I pushing against a brick wall-- and the wrong one, at that? Am I confused because I'm lost for a path, or am I lost only because I feel that way?

It's the latter, it must be! I'm not lost, I just think I am. Sometimes "trying harder" and "trying again" seem like the only answers available.

But there must be another one. I have tried harder, and again. "Third time's a charm" won't work this time, 'cause it's far past the third time!!! Am I lying to myself, and missing something essential?

I can look at my stupid goals list as many times as I want, but I don't know if that's a solution. It hasn't worked yet. It makes me want to cry.

There MUST be a solution. I might just make it.

I'm trying too hard... in the wrong way. I make lists like this, but it's hard to focus on all of things at once. I'm being too idealistic in thinking that my life will be perfect if I could just follow a list like that.

Right?

>:-[ 

I'm printing out that list, and I'm carrying it around my neck on a string. I'll do anything. I'm going to pray, too. Every time. Number nine. That is probably the obvious thing I'm missing.

There is no ideal, not really. I can't make it. Life is about aspiring for something you can't ever reach. For me, at least, as an idealist, I'll never get everything I want. But I can be happy with what I have, too. Time to reach for the stars.

Here I go. Again. I'm trying again. I will do this. I will fight. I'm going. Now.

Enjoyable day!

Today I didn't do much at all, except think about what I could do, and plan things.

That can be good, too!

I watched a lot of anime, though! The latest episodes of bleach, a new one -- welcome to NHK -- and plenty of others.

I got together my piano books and got Teddy to show me what pieces I should be learning so he and I can play concertos together. He plays violin, see, and I play piano, so it's a pretty good deal when you want to learn how to be an accompanist. I will probably get the best experience I can by preparing this way. I wrote those pieces down in my new (purple) piano notebook, and I'm getting a little excited about it.

I spent time taking care of myself, washing my face and dressing up. I put together this really weird outfit with random clothes I found-- a soft brown scarf on my neck, a long floaty purple tank-sleeve hawaiian-print dress with brown buttons down the front, and a length down to the mid-calf. On top of the dress I wore a red camisole, since the dress is really baggy (kind of like wearing a giant floating pillowcase) and then a black studded belt around the waist.

I'm going to try making my entries more specifically day-entries, like, "here's how my day went" as a record, of sorts. Instead of blabbering on about what I want to change about my actions, I'll only write down something really inspirational or the truth about my daily activities. The other habit-changing, thinking-changing stuff, I'll refrain from writing and instead actually DO it. I think that's a problem-- I've been writing down, "aw yeah, this is important, I'm doing this wrong, TOMORROW I'll do that and that and this and that..." but I don't actually MEAN any of it. So either I do it or I don't, but I don't need to write down what isn't true.

I also talked more (this evening) with my dad about career stuff. My mom got in a few interjections, and I didn't do well to keep from arguing, but it wasn't bad. Slowly, slowly, I will figure this out.