Standing Up for Myself-- BEING ME

I think I've been going wrong about my... main problem.

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[   problem update:

1. depressed + anxious; on zoloft

2. unemployed / bum / irrationally low confidence

3. parents with their own ideas

4. parents who voice these ideas

5. parents with total lack of encouragement in my dreams because the dreams don't make sense to them

6. my dreams really do seem impossible
7. and to top it off, I have yet to prove I can reach these dreams   ]
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ADVICE
I shouldn't have said so often to Mom that I don't want advice. I do want her advice. Her advice is not my problem. I just need to tell her : please don't criticize my interests. These interests I have a hard time expressing without her discouragement include anime, my dreams such as becoming a pianist, an interpreter and translator, and a wife of a man who possibly does not live in my home country. As the subject comes up, I will say appropriate things like, "please don't critisize my love of anime. It's an old subject, and my anime-interest is equally time consuming as are my other hobbies." Also I can say, "I am determined to succeed in the career of my dreams with you and Daddy as my support system." Usually I just tell her I don't want to talk about it. Now I'm going to have a better answer.


WHAT I'M DOING WRONG IS: I'M NOT BELIEVING I CAN DO IT
Out of the various problems I have while living here in my parent's house, along with my brother Teddy, and Allison and her son, the number one issue I have is caving to my parent's advice. I am very influencible. Why?  ONE: I don't believe in myself. I've got to be more confident.

And, well, maybe because I don't have a plan-- where there's a goal at the end and steps I'm going to take along a timeline-- and that makes me opinionless about my own life.

Basically I need to stand up for myself more often. I need to make more hard-core decisions. When I don't know what to do, I think hard about what I do want, and I decide. It's not about what others think. I know myself better than anyone else. Even more, I have good intuition about myself. This is because my mother taught me confidence. But I need to use my confidence, instead of letting the advice I hear from my family, including my mother) dissuade me.

In the end they will be happy if I am successful, but I WILL include them in my success, instead of walking away from them in order to succeed.

Just because they doubt me doesn't mean I need to give up on them.

Good, aye? Usually this is the part where the kid leaves his parent's house in a huff. But I'm not going to be angry at them for not trusting me. My forgiveness is partly due to the fact that their distrust makes sense.


THIS IS HARD
I feel really sick and awful. My dad just came in my room, JUST NOW as I was writing, with one of his attitudes, like "no argument, listen to me without responding, and only accept what I have to say, then take action exactly how I want you to"
They think I'm watching anime constantly. I watched about an hour today while exercising, and this evening a little before bed. Quite an addiction, don't you think? Would they rather I walk away from this "addiction" as if I have the strength to throw out my manga and DVDs and never touch videos on the internet again-- avoid my "addiction" until I burst and go back to it like a crazy person? Or should I learn to control it, like I'm doing now, monitoring my emotions, thinking, and feeling, like a living, breathing woman of courage, creativity, and music?

I also spoke with my counselor and had a wonderful session, feeling beautiful and confident and ready to look for a job within the next two days, bursting with ideas and belief in myself.

But my parents, who are worried, impatient to the point of explosion, have lost trust in me, and think I am a lazy, emotionally-uncontrolled bum, insist on trying to force me to change my habits and decisions by telling me I have to because this is their house. Even though it's been only a week since we talked about my job-getting plan, and I am already making progress on it just like planned.

STANDING UP
I'm going to be angry with my self and my situation, and use that power to do what I need to.

For a year, I've done nothing but sleep, feel depressed, get into massive arguments with my parents and little brother, half-heartedly play piano less than once a week, watch loads of TV, gain twenty pounds, pretend I want to learn Japanese, cut off contact with all my close friends or who I've ever met, and NEVER leave the house.

But now-- NOW! After a bit of counseling, pills, personal growth, and a lot of thought and journaling... I volunteer. I LEAVE THE HOUSE. I dress up, wear makeup, and perform like a professional on a to-die for Bösendorfer (fancy German piano) in a architecturally beautiful hospital famous for its healthcare.

I've also almost finished a resume that I've had edited by a professional who has worked with a lot of college students and kids looking for jobs.

I have plans to look for a job this week. I am working on my study ethic and creating good habits and goals for my life. I feel more serious than I ever have before. And God is going with me. He says so. He will give me strength. I'm going to keep praying. I need his help for sure....

I AM AFRAID BUT I WILL DO IT ANYWAY
I might cry after this decision. But I'm not going to give up anymore. I know what I want. I'm going to really try. I'm not going to change my decisions and habits anymore, I'm going to make decisions based on what I want to do. My mother and father are amazing people. I have their genes. I am their daughter. They taught me respect, responsibility, and LOVE. I like who I am. So. Now, I'm going to be that person.

To my beloved mother and father: I love you. Now trust me. Allow me the freedom to be the adult I am, and the adult I will become, and I will show you what I can do.

God is going with me. He says so. He will give me strength. I'm going to keep praying. I need his help for sure.... forever  ; )

Listening, Trust, and Patience.

This means to listen carefully, to take to heart: 耳を傾ける (and you say it like mimi wo katamukeru or みみをかたむける).

I kicked a hole in my bedroom door today. I like to say I was justified, but I guess that's mostly never justified, not in a simple fight that happened just because the people fighting are not listening to each other.

Fighting with my family used to be very complicated-- at least, I felt that way. Now I am able to see what's going on more and more. But obviously I still don't get it or I wouldn't kick a whole in my door.

Teddy, my little brother, plays the violin. I play the piano, and I want to get academically serious about it, and practice a number of hours every day, something like two to six, but I'm going to do five for now, as is possible. So I sometimes worry a little too much about perfection, instead of putting my heart into it. It's partly due to the the way I've been taught, I think, and my compulsive personality.

But the worst thing is, when I get together with Ted to practice, I bother him and say things like, "maybe you should practice more" or say other things that irritate him. (He does it to me too.) Sometimes, I'm right but I shouldn't be telling him what to do as if his actions are my responsibility. Other times, I'm just plain right and he doesn't listen. And then there's the times when I'm being a bitch and say downright maddening things that I don't really mean, but since I'm genuinely irritated, he takes my words to heart.

I'm always surprised by other people's abilities when I look more closely at them. I mean, ALWAYS surprised. It's like I have a complex about the human race being dumber than me, just a little bit dumber. This is simply because I am unaware of what's going on, and I just think about myself-- "Oh wow! I understand this math problem! It was so hard! I'm guessing no one else understands it at all. Yippee." If both Teddy and I left the other person alone and trusted in their skills and their ability as a human being (God makes us able to manage ourselves) we wouldn't be fighting. AAA! KEY POINT!

But we don't trust each other's skills and abilities. It's very easy for Teddy to get mad at me, and it's very easy for me to get mad at him. We are both distract-able, sensitive people who jump on each other for the little things that irritate and that we take to heart, when it wasn't the point of the argument anyway.

In this way, we have the incredible ability to take an argument and make it go on and on. TANGENT! TANGENT! WE ARE LEAVING THE PORT! NOW WE'RE GOING TO PLUTO WHERE THERE'S NO POINT IN VISITING BUT WE DON'T CARE! After completely exhausting ourselves with getting mad about being insulted, delivering insults back, and getting the other person irritated, thus resulting in being insulted (etc etc) we both get the impression that the other person is indisputably an insensitive jerk whose only desire is to say infuriating, interfering, and obscene things.

If I listened for Teddy's feelings (at least my impression of them) through his words (and actions), I wouldn't be acting so stupid and helping an argument progress pointlessly.

But we don't listen. And after being irritated by the other person so much, we are at the point where wish we could quit the fighting. We can't get the other person to listen to us, and it makes us feel a serious lack of control-- we aren't "allowed" to speak our piece, even if only to continue a tangent-- so the only thing we can do to re-assume control is to QUIT practicing and walk away. This is a very effective way to make the other person mad, because that person is there to practice with you and only you, so if you leave, they have to quit too. BAM! Gotcha. Now you have to change what you're doing because I took control of the situation and left! Bye-bye! (Snicker snicker.)

That's often how our fights end. Nice, huh? After I'm done, it all feels like nothing, and for nothing.

There's a lot more I could talk about, more I could explain about what we fight and how we do it, and how this just doesn't affect Teddy and me, but my mother and me, too. We've become very skillful with words, but it's mostly evasion words and not-admitting-we-are-wrong words or well-you-do-that-to-me-way-more-than-i-do-it-to-you.

But I don't need to explain all that, because the solution is to get into the habit of listening and observing, not interrupting, respecting the other person's abilities, and being PATIENT. AAARGH it's so EASY to type that! Such simple words! urrrgh.

Interestingly enough, we all know that we need to start listening, and so now we use that in our fights too. When Teddy doesn't get to finish speaking (because I interrupt) he gets incredibly mad at me, and vice versa. Unfortunately, there's no way to get around that one. Even if the other person goes on and on, we can't tell them to stop talking, we have to listen. That's why I emphasize patience. Sometimes one person wants to say something and expects the other person not to have the desire to respond. NOPE! Don't expect to get to talk without the other person saying something-- if you want to save time, say so, be concise, or shut yourself up! It's not fair to talk unequally.

Anyway, I'm sick of this problem that's half my fault. I let myself get mad in situations that don't have to be out of my control, but I let it happen. It HURTS! But mostly, the hurts goes down deep and then I just feel tired. And then of course, I have a hole in my door.

From my foot.

From kicking the door. And then I cried about kicking the door.

I'm sorry I'm repeating myself, I am just SO surprised that I made a HOLE in my door. Can you just buy regular doors at the store? Maybe this will give me a chance to get a fancy one with a mirror with a gold filigree edging, I wouldn't kick that one.

Career Turmoil! Lovely Parents Give Advice that Conflicts! Shall I Choose My Own?

Talking with my dad about career options is a really difficult task. I mean, when it comes to gaining confidence and everything. for some reason, the foremost thing in his (and my mom's, too) mind is money. Money, money, money. And it makes sense, sure, because they want me to be able to support myself. I get that. But they're taking it too far. They seem to think that MOST JOBS won't make enough money unless it's something relating to health care.

Or maybe... maybe that's not it. It might be that right now, as I'm trying to choose my career, they need me to have confidence in my decision, and since I don't, it makes them nervous and they're doing their "part" in worrying for me-- OVERTIME.

It's sweet, but it's not helping. I need good, solid advice that tells the truth without all this. They're forgetting that the world has many careers to offer and just because they don't know about all those opportunities doesn't mean I won't be able to attain one of those career options that they don't have as much experience about. It must scare them to imagine me going out into the world and getting a job that they can't help me with-- something like interpreting or teaching music is more foreign to them and they can't imagine me doing well only because they don't know about it.

Does that make sense? I think that's what the problem is.

For me, it's very difficult to argue with them on this point (should I or shouldn't I choose this or that career....) because their point about the importance of job security and financial security is quite valid. What if they're right?  I don't even know, myself, if I can be successful with any line of work that isn't a straight path to a job, like health care. Most other careers are less secure because you get educated for them, but then the job options are variable and miscellaneous and not necessarily what you had in mind.

For instance, a career in linguistics would be where you learn about the forms of language, grammar, and patterns. You can be a teacher or a researcher in various institutions for schools and companies that do research. But when you get an education like that, you can't really be sure where or what your job will be like-- whether you'll start as an assistant, or you'll be typing up papers, or doing research in "the field"-- the type of jobs available are various. The same thing goes for other jobs. There are more options. And since both my parents went into health care, having more options is weird and scary and unknown for me.

Health care, on the other hand, is  stress-free in the respect that it leads directly to a job. You get a degree to be a doctor? You go apply to hospitals and be a doctor. You train to be a physical therapist? Go work in a nursing home, hospital, PT clinic, or other institution that hires physical therapists. Nursing, radiology, dentistry, optometry, pharmacy-- it's all basically the same-- health care education LEADS DIRECTLY to a job (that pays enough money to be moderately comfortable).

And I think that's what scares me, and what causes my parents to act this way. Health care careers are what they understand, and they don't know what it will be like for me if I choose something else, so they're worried. My dad seems to think that he has to start considering when to make me move out of the house-- which is understandable-- but he says this based on the idea that it is going to take me six to eight years to start making money.

I don't understand his reasoning!! I will eventually be able to move out and start working, at least as an accompanist, and pay for my own rent and all that. It will be hard, but I think I can do it. Daddy doesn't need to doubt me so much. It is soooo frustrating.

But I decided to write a post because I had (well, I was asking God what to do, and he told me this) a thought-- "Your parents' belief in you isn't what is going to help you do well in the world." I don't have to get their approval!! It's kind of disappointing to say out loud, since I really like that idea of "believing" in other people, as a philosophy. But in the end, you can't expect the people around you, as supportive and loving as they are, to ever COMPLETELY understand you. And in my case, at least, I can't expect my family to support me with their beliefs in me.

Of course, I haven't been very successful in life, by outside appearances and normal standards (making money, being able to move out) and it's no wonder they don't trust me. But regardless of that, it's still very difficult for me to make this sort of decision when their advice is so cleanly slicing at my confidence. I mean, I nearly, NEARLY agreed with them a few times there. My mom and dad's advice about careers is good, for the most part, but when it comes to actually PICKING a career, I have to pick it for MY OWN reason.

I am learning, slowly, that I have to make this decision, myself. I'm on my own. The more I realize that, the more I can make it true.

I think that because my parents are having such trouble trusting me, and because I let that affect how I feel, it might be GOOD for me to move out when it's actually possible. That might mean that after I save up enough money to start those music classes, I should move to the area where we have a state college here, and start living at the college while I take the classes. If I do that, I can start my music-associated career (playing piano for events and possibly teaching privately) in order to pay my own bills.

So next thing on the list is...: make a lot of money this year so I have some to pay for college classes while I'm working... to pay for rent. Also, work on my studies so that I can audition for music scholarships and apply for regular scholarships.

SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN!!! :) :) :)