Saturday, April 30, 2011
How to believe in myself when I can't see the end.
Think of my life like anime - 20 minute slots, beautiful, emotional animation, stories, breezes, as it will be, a story with a beginning and an ending. Notice the beautiful part of life, every moment. If I could see it all at once, I could believe in myself completely.
Limits Zero.
I went to bed late last night, and then I got up around 11:00, so that's okay. It was a boring day! I didn't work out at all... and ate LOADS of chocolate all day.
*sigh*
Tomorrow, I shall run and everything....
Something I've learned about myself, though, is that when I set limits for myself, it goes badly. When I say limits I mean "planning" ahead, such as, "today I'm going to clean my room and dust the house and practice five hours of piano". See, when I set it all up like that, I get bored with the "plan" and change it almost as soon as I start it. Then I feel like I'm doing something terrible, changing my plans to do something else! So I feel bad about not keeping "self-control" or following my own orders (silly, since I'm the one in charge) and I lose motivation to do a good job in whatever I'm doing.
But really, it's not the limits that are the problem, it's that I THINK of them as limits! If I stopped criticizing myself inwardly, I would be able to accomplish whatever I decide to do, at whatever time. It's fine if I make a list on paper or in my head for the essentials, and it's good if I leave options for myself, but ultimately I must conclude that whatever I decide at whatever time fine. I can trust in my decision, in my performances, my voice, my music, my advice, my feet.
I don't trust myself enough... that's it. And here we are again... should I force myself to have confidence? But when I think of it the way I've just explained, it actually does make sense. It will work!
*sigh*
Tomorrow, I shall run and everything....
Something I've learned about myself, though, is that when I set limits for myself, it goes badly. When I say limits I mean "planning" ahead, such as, "today I'm going to clean my room and dust the house and practice five hours of piano". See, when I set it all up like that, I get bored with the "plan" and change it almost as soon as I start it. Then I feel like I'm doing something terrible, changing my plans to do something else! So I feel bad about not keeping "self-control" or following my own orders (silly, since I'm the one in charge) and I lose motivation to do a good job in whatever I'm doing.
But really, it's not the limits that are the problem, it's that I THINK of them as limits! If I stopped criticizing myself inwardly, I would be able to accomplish whatever I decide to do, at whatever time. It's fine if I make a list on paper or in my head for the essentials, and it's good if I leave options for myself, but ultimately I must conclude that whatever I decide at whatever time fine. I can trust in my decision, in my performances, my voice, my music, my advice, my feet.
I don't trust myself enough... that's it. And here we are again... should I force myself to have confidence? But when I think of it the way I've just explained, it actually does make sense. It will work!
Accepting! Running for your Life!
I got up this morning at 10:30-ish. I had boring breakfast and stuffed myself. I've gotten really hungry for milk lately, I eat it with chocolate or strawberry mix. I think it helps me lose weight because I drink it and BAM! there's half my stomach filled, but it acts as protein and builds and heals my exercised muscles. Cool, right? And it tastes so yummy. But I get a lot of sugar, too... so if I when I am not working out, I avoid that, haha.
... The most lbs. I've lost so far... NINE pounds!!! Well, I can't officially count this until I can hold the weight for a three weeks, not just two.
Next, I did some anime watching, and after that, working out. Those were the main things, but it took me a while to start working out. My goal is to work out earlier in the morning, I could exercise twice a day if I did that, since there would be more time and energy in the evening for a second go.
Working out was good, not as hard as Wednesday's, and I felt more tired. I played DDR (YAY!!!) and ran outside. Tomorrow, I'll push myself harder. I think I have more energy at night, but I want to try and change my metabolism to start up earlier, is that weird?
GASP it's 2am. This isn't much of a "post before nighttime sleep" since it's morning....gaaaaa--
When I run outside, it really helps me to pretend that someone's chasing me. Especially if I imagine I'm going somewhere, (my castle/tower home, where I'll be safe when I arrive because we have security, but until then I must keep ahead of my pursuers, so I pretend the path I run on is the only one that runs through a thick forest). It feels real when I notice the smells of the trees and other green stuff outside. Especially what helps is to listen to my ipod, that keeps me going if nothing else does.
I was watching Phantom: requiem two or three days ago, and here's a quote that confirms this amazing idea while running: "When you pursue, think as if you're running. When you run, vice versa." How perfect is that? When I run, I'm NOT being chased, I'm pursing weight loss (or a workout), and so it makes me want to stop! Especially if I remember how easy it is to quit, and how much better I'd feel if I could go have lunch and watch anime or take a bath, or the fact that I haven't done the dishes. So quitting would be easy... but if I forget that I'm the one pursuing weight loss, and instead imagine that I'm running for my life, it becomes... easy.
The only problem is that it takes a lot of focus to imagine things like that, and sometimes you forget to keep it up.
I also spent forever printing the Japanese Grammar Guide (click here for the link, there's a PDF and a lot of other language versions, too). I had to put it in THREE SEPARATE VOLUMES! But it was fun, and I learned new kanji in the process of decorating the cover. I will show them to you! :) :)
午後三時です。
They say we would remember our dreams better if we wrote down what we remembered after we wake up-- that eventually we'd remember more and more each time. My life is a bit like a dream, really! I forget what I do, day by day. That means that I can't as easily change my habits, and that I try things over and over, wishing for different results, and not getting them. (Trying to lose weight without exercising or lessening sugar, going to sleep at THREE AM and thinking I won't be tired, etc.)
So I'm going to TRY and be less vague in my posts from now on-- as in, I'm going to write about the actual DETAILS of my life, like what the clock says and my daily choices. I can't lie to myself this way!
Journaling could be considered a form of meditation, you know. Meditation (in Kabbat-zin's book I'm reading) is all about being aware of what's really going on. Instead of trusting your perception, which would be how see something that you haven't really stood back and looked at objectively. Journaling can be a form of objective reporting-- as long as you avoid saying this/that is good or bad, and NO worrying about the past or future! I'm going to try it-- just telling the truth of what you see right then! Of course, maybe it's not pure meditation (I WILL be thinking, just not worrying) about past and future. It's not as simple as meditation in that sense, but then I might be a little off in the definition of meditation right now as I'm not very far into the book. No judging yourself harshly is pretty good for thought, whether or not you're meditating, right? :)
IDEAS
am- med
pm - journal
all day - prayer
- - - - - - - - -
Also while running... I came up with a better idea of how to look at other people. I thought, sometimes I love the uniqueness of my family. They're like anime characters in the way they're so unique-- compulsive, argumentative, obsessive, loving, and stubborn.
But I always want to help them; usually in a unhelpful, unwanted-advice like this-is-how-I-would-do-it sort of way. I don't think of my advice-giving from their point of view. And that really IS too complicated-- what I should do INSTEAD is this: accept people exactly as they are, not as they could be, and their potential, but right NOW.
In anime, especially in the comical parts, the authors and animators like to make us laugh by showing off unique characters' quirks. These characters are weird and unique, for example, really beautiful, really dorky, really ecstatic, hyper, girly, manly, physically small, any type of extreme characteristic. The other characters either enjoy, are pulled along into the fray, or simply deal with their friends' and enemies' actions as best as they can. But they don't ever tell them they're weird or that they need to change. They only react to those characters' actions. Sometimes they imply "you're weird" or to that effect, but we as viewers don't ever expect the character to become less weird. And we love them weird. If they weren't weird, the anime would be boring and we'd go watch a better anime with more interesting characters.
If people can change, most can do it themselves. Only when I know exactly what to say can I give advice, and also only when I'm sure it's needed! In my family, that's .00001 % of the time, so never! (My family members are stubborn, and also very intuitive and don't need help like I sometimes imagine they do.)
That would feel so much better. I was saying recently that "respect" was the most encompassing way to explain this idea I just wrote, but really, "acceptance" is a little more encompassing. Respect is still included, but in a way, acceptance is a recipe with a little more of love-ingredient.
... The most lbs. I've lost so far... NINE pounds!!! Well, I can't officially count this until I can hold the weight for a three weeks, not just two.
Next, I did some anime watching, and after that, working out. Those were the main things, but it took me a while to start working out. My goal is to work out earlier in the morning, I could exercise twice a day if I did that, since there would be more time and energy in the evening for a second go.
Working out was good, not as hard as Wednesday's, and I felt more tired. I played DDR (YAY!!!) and ran outside. Tomorrow, I'll push myself harder. I think I have more energy at night, but I want to try and change my metabolism to start up earlier, is that weird?
GASP it's 2am. This isn't much of a "post before nighttime sleep" since it's morning....gaaaaa--
When I run outside, it really helps me to pretend that someone's chasing me. Especially if I imagine I'm going somewhere, (my castle/tower home, where I'll be safe when I arrive because we have security, but until then I must keep ahead of my pursuers, so I pretend the path I run on is the only one that runs through a thick forest). It feels real when I notice the smells of the trees and other green stuff outside. Especially what helps is to listen to my ipod, that keeps me going if nothing else does.
I was watching Phantom: requiem two or three days ago, and here's a quote that confirms this amazing idea while running: "When you pursue, think as if you're running. When you run, vice versa." How perfect is that? When I run, I'm NOT being chased, I'm pursing weight loss (or a workout), and so it makes me want to stop! Especially if I remember how easy it is to quit, and how much better I'd feel if I could go have lunch and watch anime or take a bath, or the fact that I haven't done the dishes. So quitting would be easy... but if I forget that I'm the one pursuing weight loss, and instead imagine that I'm running for my life, it becomes... easy.
The only problem is that it takes a lot of focus to imagine things like that, and sometimes you forget to keep it up.
I also spent forever printing the Japanese Grammar Guide (click here for the link, there's a PDF and a lot of other language versions, too). I had to put it in THREE SEPARATE VOLUMES! But it was fun, and I learned new kanji in the process of decorating the cover. I will show them to you! :) :)
決める
「きめる」
kimeru
to decide
夢
「ゆめ」
yume
dream
午後三時です。
「ごごさんじです」
gogo sanji desu
it's three p.m.
夜明けに
「よあけに」
yoa ke ni
at dawn
午前十二時です。
「ごぜんじゅうにじです」
gozen juuniji desu
it's twelve a.m.
They say we would remember our dreams better if we wrote down what we remembered after we wake up-- that eventually we'd remember more and more each time. My life is a bit like a dream, really! I forget what I do, day by day. That means that I can't as easily change my habits, and that I try things over and over, wishing for different results, and not getting them. (Trying to lose weight without exercising or lessening sugar, going to sleep at THREE AM and thinking I won't be tired, etc.)
So I'm going to TRY and be less vague in my posts from now on-- as in, I'm going to write about the actual DETAILS of my life, like what the clock says and my daily choices. I can't lie to myself this way!
Journaling could be considered a form of meditation, you know. Meditation (in Kabbat-zin's book I'm reading) is all about being aware of what's really going on. Instead of trusting your perception, which would be how see something that you haven't really stood back and looked at objectively. Journaling can be a form of objective reporting-- as long as you avoid saying this/that is good or bad, and NO worrying about the past or future! I'm going to try it-- just telling the truth of what you see right then! Of course, maybe it's not pure meditation (I WILL be thinking, just not worrying) about past and future. It's not as simple as meditation in that sense, but then I might be a little off in the definition of meditation right now as I'm not very far into the book. No judging yourself harshly is pretty good for thought, whether or not you're meditating, right? :)
IDEAS
am- med
pm - journal
all day - prayer
- - - - - - - - -
Also while running... I came up with a better idea of how to look at other people. I thought, sometimes I love the uniqueness of my family. They're like anime characters in the way they're so unique-- compulsive, argumentative, obsessive, loving, and stubborn.
But I always want to help them; usually in a unhelpful, unwanted-advice like this-is-how-I-would-do-it sort of way. I don't think of my advice-giving from their point of view. And that really IS too complicated-- what I should do INSTEAD is this: accept people exactly as they are, not as they could be, and their potential, but right NOW.
In anime, especially in the comical parts, the authors and animators like to make us laugh by showing off unique characters' quirks. These characters are weird and unique, for example, really beautiful, really dorky, really ecstatic, hyper, girly, manly, physically small, any type of extreme characteristic. The other characters either enjoy, are pulled along into the fray, or simply deal with their friends' and enemies' actions as best as they can. But they don't ever tell them they're weird or that they need to change. They only react to those characters' actions. Sometimes they imply "you're weird" or to that effect, but we as viewers don't ever expect the character to become less weird. And we love them weird. If they weren't weird, the anime would be boring and we'd go watch a better anime with more interesting characters.
If people can change, most can do it themselves. Only when I know exactly what to say can I give advice, and also only when I'm sure it's needed! In my family, that's .00001 % of the time, so never! (My family members are stubborn, and also very intuitive and don't need help like I sometimes imagine they do.)
That would feel so much better. I was saying recently that "respect" was the most encompassing way to explain this idea I just wrote, but really, "acceptance" is a little more encompassing. Respect is still included, but in a way, acceptance is a recipe with a little more of love-ingredient.
Acceptance lets you love and respect someone, but it adds something else. When you accept someone, you accept them completely and whole. Teddy, I don't just accept that you're you as you are-- but I know that you CAN become a better you-- if there is one. I have NO doubt you can fly, you can make whatever you want, go wherever you want, do what you can, be the best you--- I believe in you.♥
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Priorities! List of 19:
After I wrote these items, I thought up: STUDY/DO the things that I don't want to do the most, first. Look at my actions and life through God's eyes GENTLY (so I can do the same for others). Make my goal something other than perfection. Listen to others with my heart. Take tasks in small chunks, little bits, do-able amounts, and go S-L-O-W when I need to.
This list isn't numbered for order per day, it's numbered for what I should add next for my regular list of activities, as I become ready for a new one.
1 sleep normally necessarily delicately and in a mansion.
2 all B4 bed: floss, brush, Rx, face
3 nails
4 Bible read, verses
5 exercise
6 dishes
7 Jellybean 2x
8 Japanese 16~ 漢字
9 anki review
current items, doable amount
10 DS lessons
12 anime 1-2'~
13 blog daily, emotions, feelings, whatEVER goes on, not just what I'd like to "pree-zent".
***********Here is my current goal***********
14 Japanese Immersion
15 Dictionaries
16 Translate 1+ item, remember by practicing (+ put in vocab list)
17 write 1 piano song (expect 1')
18 Theory
19 meditate 15"♥
This list isn't numbered for order per day, it's numbered for what I should add next for my regular list of activities, as I become ready for a new one.
THIS LIST is about facing fear, taking challenges, making name, and diving in.
1 sleep normally necessarily delicately and in a mansion.
2 all B4 bed: floss, brush, Rx, face
3 nails
4 Bible read, verses
5 exercise
6 dishes
7 Jellybean 2x
8 Japanese 16~ 漢字
9 anki review
current items, doable amount
10 DS lessons
***********here is what kind of do daily so far?***********
11 piano 2'~12 anime 1-2'~
13 blog daily, emotions, feelings, whatEVER goes on, not just what I'd like to "pree-zent".
***********Here is my current goal***********
14 Japanese Immersion
15 Dictionaries
16 Translate 1+ item, remember by practicing (+ put in vocab list)
17 write 1 piano song (expect 1')
18 Theory
19 meditate 15"♥
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Kanji learning!
I was listening to some audio literature I got from Japanese Literature at Bedtime, in Japanese (I make that sound like I understood it... I don't.) and reading the Japanese words that go along with it. There are so many kanji that I recognize!
And I thought, could it be possible that I go through my kanji-learning book (Heisig) and I end up know enough kanji for now? That the next stage really could be learning words and kanji readings?
I'm motivated to keep going, but lately I feel like I have a long way to go. (Seriously, I'm only on number 243 something.)
It is just so exciting that I can see what's next... that someday I can read manga, and books, and Japanese websites, I just get so happy!!!
But what books are good for that next stage...?
And I thought, could it be possible that I go through my kanji-learning book (Heisig) and I end up know enough kanji for now? That the next stage really could be learning words and kanji readings?
I'm motivated to keep going, but lately I feel like I have a long way to go. (Seriously, I'm only on number 243 something.)
It is just so exciting that I can see what's next... that someday I can read manga, and books, and Japanese websites, I just get so happy!!!
But what books are good for that next stage...?
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Mirror
reasons to go to bed ontime:
- think of yourself as delicate and easily tired at the end of each day...angelique...
Don't think about myself from what I guess others are thinking. Look in the mirror! What do I look like... on the outside? So, how do others see me?
HEY.... I should do something opposite from that. Not concave, convex. Not red, organized, and perfect. No!-- Pink, beautiful, laugh! me, (be careful), and accept-ingly. I am a creation as myself. I'm a character! Look inside myself, judging myself by how I feel.
Then... I can learn to wear myself on the outside.
- think of yourself as delicate and easily tired at the end of each day...angelique...
Don't think about myself from what I guess others are thinking. Look in the mirror! What do I look like... on the outside? So, how do others see me?
HEY.... I should do something opposite from that. Not concave, convex. Not red, organized, and perfect. No!-- Pink, beautiful, laugh! me, (be careful), and accept-ingly. I am a creation as myself. I'm a character! Look inside myself, judging myself by how I feel.
Then... I can learn to wear myself on the outside.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Computer Nerd! Career confusion as usual.
I've decided I'm going to become a computer girl! I want to do music, but I'm not ready for it yet, and I don't know how much it will be a part of my life. I really do like multitasking, so doing JUST music might be a little much for me. If I get a career in computers, I can use that when I can't find a job in other things, and I think I'll enjoy it very much, so it's worth it.
Next, I want to start learning computer languages, however I might do that... buy a numbers-keypad for my laptop, and then... now I'm allowed to wear glasses, as an official nerd-to-be.
Next, I want to start learning computer languages, however I might do that... buy a numbers-keypad for my laptop, and then... now I'm allowed to wear glasses, as an official nerd-to-be.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Vast Dreams, Other Worlds, and Facing fear.
Sometimes I have dreams that remind me of what I'm afraid of. They're not scary when I'm asleep, though. They are the most frightening when I think about them later-- because they represent what I'm afraid of in real life.
Get this. My most common one includes my fish dying (either I forget the others, or this one is simply the most reaccurring. I've had dying fish dreams for years.) Often one fish will eat another in the tank, or a big fish won't have enough room to swim, and be as big as the tank is. Often, a fish will jump out of the tank and I'll have to put it back in, hoping it isn't going to die from my finger oils and not being able to breathe. And then there's the times that I have to put it in water, and the water is hot.
My other ones are about school. Being late to school, having tests and projects that I haven't studied for, and living in a frighteningly big dorm, way too bright, and one I can't find my room in. The dreams have a power to scare me that is unlike life, and when I feel that again in real life, it is a different kind of fear than the direct kind-- it's the kind I want to run away from.
I want to face my fears.
Get this. My most common one includes my fish dying (either I forget the others, or this one is simply the most reaccurring. I've had dying fish dreams for years.) Often one fish will eat another in the tank, or a big fish won't have enough room to swim, and be as big as the tank is. Often, a fish will jump out of the tank and I'll have to put it back in, hoping it isn't going to die from my finger oils and not being able to breathe. And then there's the times that I have to put it in water, and the water is hot.
My other ones are about school. Being late to school, having tests and projects that I haven't studied for, and living in a frighteningly big dorm, way too bright, and one I can't find my room in. The dreams have a power to scare me that is unlike life, and when I feel that again in real life, it is a different kind of fear than the direct kind-- it's the kind I want to run away from.
I want to face my fears.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Career path!
Really good options for Majors/careers I can go in the direction of - these are probably between what I should choose. - - -keep in mind that I want to be able to live in other countries, so all the while I want to be learning languages!- - -
I am making these possible decision choices because they are things I believe I am capable of. At first I feel let down when I say, "I can do THAT" but then I realize, this is what I should have been looking for the whole time!
- Computers - anything really, since I don't know enough about them yet to think of any categories. good because I love to understand how things work down to the tiny threads of a dress, then where it was picked and who dyed the woven cloth, and who ships the items to china, then to walmart... that sort of thing ;) I mean I like to break things down, data-wise... that's fun.
- music - voice and piano
- languages - lyrical, communication, exciting long-term, curiosity.
- voice acting, acting. Good for my confidence if nothing else, I am a very emotional, dramatic person. Now I need to learn how to create my own style and accept myself, then I could be an actress, regardless of whether I am the kind of actress that today's media would accept as an employee. This is very related to writing, which I want to do my whole life.
- writing: help other people write, learn how to edit, learn how to work with others as a team and interpret what they are trying to say in their writing. Also, write myself-- learn to let my creativity go right out the window, into the sky, and create a sunset of a color never seen before.
Now that I'm finished writing this, let me clarify: these are things I want to get good at in life. The top one-- computers-- is more iffy, since I don't think I'll learn about computers quite as well without going to college for it, but the rest of the items here don't require that quite in the same way.
Well, I like this. This helps me to think about what I really might do. I was inspired to write this after imagining what it would be like to work at a Google data center. I have trouble picking a major when I don't know where I'll be living or what kind of tasks I would be working on with that as my career. When I imagine working somewhere specific, in a place that I know exists and seems tangible (like Google's Santa Monica, for example) working at a specific data center near my home really helped me think of it in a more rational, possible way-- and opened up the door for ideas of working anywhere else, too. I just had to see a little glimpse, and THEN I understood. Which means IF I RESEARCH MY CAREER OPTIONS, ALL THE WAY DOWN THE PATH until I understand those little types of details, I'll have a much easier time of making a decision. Because if a decision is tangible, it's not scary. Interesting... Yay!
I am making these possible decision choices because they are things I believe I am capable of. At first I feel let down when I say, "I can do THAT" but then I realize, this is what I should have been looking for the whole time!
- Computers - anything really, since I don't know enough about them yet to think of any categories. good because I love to understand how things work down to the tiny threads of a dress, then where it was picked and who dyed the woven cloth, and who ships the items to china, then to walmart... that sort of thing ;) I mean I like to break things down, data-wise... that's fun.
- music - voice and piano
- languages - lyrical, communication, exciting long-term, curiosity.
- voice acting, acting. Good for my confidence if nothing else, I am a very emotional, dramatic person. Now I need to learn how to create my own style and accept myself, then I could be an actress, regardless of whether I am the kind of actress that today's media would accept as an employee. This is very related to writing, which I want to do my whole life.
- writing: help other people write, learn how to edit, learn how to work with others as a team and interpret what they are trying to say in their writing. Also, write myself-- learn to let my creativity go right out the window, into the sky, and create a sunset of a color never seen before.
Now that I'm finished writing this, let me clarify: these are things I want to get good at in life. The top one-- computers-- is more iffy, since I don't think I'll learn about computers quite as well without going to college for it, but the rest of the items here don't require that quite in the same way.
Well, I like this. This helps me to think about what I really might do. I was inspired to write this after imagining what it would be like to work at a Google data center. I have trouble picking a major when I don't know where I'll be living or what kind of tasks I would be working on with that as my career. When I imagine working somewhere specific, in a place that I know exists and seems tangible (like Google's Santa Monica, for example) working at a specific data center near my home really helped me think of it in a more rational, possible way-- and opened up the door for ideas of working anywhere else, too. I just had to see a little glimpse, and THEN I understood. Which means IF I RESEARCH MY CAREER OPTIONS, ALL THE WAY DOWN THE PATH until I understand those little types of details, I'll have a much easier time of making a decision. Because if a decision is tangible, it's not scary. Interesting... Yay!
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Listening, Trust, and Patience.
This means to listen carefully, to take to heart: 耳を傾ける (and you say it like mimi wo katamukeru or みみをかたむける).
I kicked a hole in my bedroom door today. I like to say I was justified, but I guess that's mostly never justified, not in a simple fight that happened just because the people fighting are not listening to each other.
Fighting with my family used to be very complicated-- at least, I felt that way. Now I am able to see what's going on more and more. But obviously I still don't get it or I wouldn't kick a whole in my door.
Teddy, my little brother, plays the violin. I play the piano, and I want to get academically serious about it, and practice a number of hours every day, something like two to six, but I'm going to do five for now, as is possible. So I sometimes worry a little too much about perfection, instead of putting my heart into it. It's partly due to the the way I've been taught, I think, and my compulsive personality.
But the worst thing is, when I get together with Ted to practice, I bother him and say things like, "maybe you should practice more" or say other things that irritate him. (He does it to me too.) Sometimes, I'm right but I shouldn't be telling him what to do as if his actions are my responsibility. Other times, I'm just plain right and he doesn't listen. And then there's the times when I'm being a bitch and say downright maddening things that I don't really mean, but since I'm genuinely irritated, he takes my words to heart.
I'm always surprised by other people's abilities when I look more closely at them. I mean, ALWAYS surprised. It's like I have a complex about the human race being dumber than me, just a little bit dumber. This is simply because I am unaware of what's going on, and I just think about myself-- "Oh wow! I understand this math problem! It was so hard! I'm guessing no one else understands it at all. Yippee." If both Teddy and I left the other person alone and trusted in their skills and their ability as a human being (God makes us able to manage ourselves) we wouldn't be fighting. AAA! KEY POINT!
But we don't trust each other's skills and abilities. It's very easy for Teddy to get mad at me, and it's very easy for me to get mad at him. We are both distract-able, sensitive people who jump on each other for the little things that irritate and that we take to heart, when it wasn't the point of the argument anyway.
In this way, we have the incredible ability to take an argument and make it go on and on. TANGENT! TANGENT! WE ARE LEAVING THE PORT! NOW WE'RE GOING TO PLUTO WHERE THERE'S NO POINT IN VISITING BUT WE DON'T CARE! After completely exhausting ourselves with getting mad about being insulted, delivering insults back, and getting the other person irritated, thus resulting in being insulted (etc etc) we both get the impression that the other person is indisputably an insensitive jerk whose only desire is to say infuriating, interfering, and obscene things.
If I listened for Teddy's feelings (at least my impression of them) through his words (and actions), I wouldn't be acting so stupid and helping an argument progress pointlessly.
But we don't listen. And after being irritated by the other person so much, we are at the point where wish we could quit the fighting. We can't get the other person to listen to us, and it makes us feel a serious lack of control-- we aren't "allowed" to speak our piece, even if only to continue a tangent-- so the only thing we can do to re-assume control is to QUIT practicing and walk away. This is a very effective way to make the other person mad, because that person is there to practice with you and only you, so if you leave, they have to quit too. BAM! Gotcha. Now you have to change what you're doing because I took control of the situation and left! Bye-bye! (Snicker snicker.)
That's often how our fights end. Nice, huh? After I'm done, it all feels like nothing, and for nothing.
There's a lot more I could talk about, more I could explain about what we fight and how we do it, and how this just doesn't affect Teddy and me, but my mother and me, too. We've become very skillful with words, but it's mostly evasion words and not-admitting-we-are-wrong words or well-you-do-that-to-me-way-more-than-i-do-it-to-you.
But I don't need to explain all that, because the solution is to get into the habit of listening and observing, not interrupting, respecting the other person's abilities, and being PATIENT. AAARGH it's so EASY to type that! Such simple words! urrrgh.
Interestingly enough, we all know that we need to start listening, and so now we use that in our fights too. When Teddy doesn't get to finish speaking (because I interrupt) he gets incredibly mad at me, and vice versa. Unfortunately, there's no way to get around that one. Even if the other person goes on and on, we can't tell them to stop talking, we have to listen. That's why I emphasize patience. Sometimes one person wants to say something and expects the other person not to have the desire to respond. NOPE! Don't expect to get to talk without the other person saying something-- if you want to save time, say so, be concise, or shut yourself up! It's not fair to talk unequally.
Anyway, I'm sick of this problem that's half my fault. I let myself get mad in situations that don't have to be out of my control, but I let it happen. It HURTS! But mostly, the hurts goes down deep and then I just feel tired. And then of course, I have a hole in my door.
From my foot.
From kicking the door. And then I cried about kicking the door.
I'm sorry I'm repeating myself, I am just SO surprised that I made a HOLE in my door. Can you just buy regular doors at the store? Maybe this will give me a chance to get a fancy one with a mirror with a gold filigree edging, I wouldn't kick that one.
I kicked a hole in my bedroom door today. I like to say I was justified, but I guess that's mostly never justified, not in a simple fight that happened just because the people fighting are not listening to each other.
Fighting with my family used to be very complicated-- at least, I felt that way. Now I am able to see what's going on more and more. But obviously I still don't get it or I wouldn't kick a whole in my door.
Teddy, my little brother, plays the violin. I play the piano, and I want to get academically serious about it, and practice a number of hours every day, something like two to six, but I'm going to do five for now, as is possible. So I sometimes worry a little too much about perfection, instead of putting my heart into it. It's partly due to the the way I've been taught, I think, and my compulsive personality.
But the worst thing is, when I get together with Ted to practice, I bother him and say things like, "maybe you should practice more" or say other things that irritate him. (He does it to me too.) Sometimes, I'm right but I shouldn't be telling him what to do as if his actions are my responsibility. Other times, I'm just plain right and he doesn't listen. And then there's the times when I'm being a bitch and say downright maddening things that I don't really mean, but since I'm genuinely irritated, he takes my words to heart.
I'm always surprised by other people's abilities when I look more closely at them. I mean, ALWAYS surprised. It's like I have a complex about the human race being dumber than me, just a little bit dumber. This is simply because I am unaware of what's going on, and I just think about myself-- "Oh wow! I understand this math problem! It was so hard! I'm guessing no one else understands it at all. Yippee." If both Teddy and I left the other person alone and trusted in their skills and their ability as a human being (God makes us able to manage ourselves) we wouldn't be fighting. AAA! KEY POINT!
But we don't trust each other's skills and abilities. It's very easy for Teddy to get mad at me, and it's very easy for me to get mad at him. We are both distract-able, sensitive people who jump on each other for the little things that irritate and that we take to heart, when it wasn't the point of the argument anyway.
In this way, we have the incredible ability to take an argument and make it go on and on. TANGENT! TANGENT! WE ARE LEAVING THE PORT! NOW WE'RE GOING TO PLUTO WHERE THERE'S NO POINT IN VISITING BUT WE DON'T CARE! After completely exhausting ourselves with getting mad about being insulted, delivering insults back, and getting the other person irritated, thus resulting in being insulted (etc etc) we both get the impression that the other person is indisputably an insensitive jerk whose only desire is to say infuriating, interfering, and obscene things.
If I listened for Teddy's feelings (at least my impression of them) through his words (and actions), I wouldn't be acting so stupid and helping an argument progress pointlessly.
But we don't listen. And after being irritated by the other person so much, we are at the point where wish we could quit the fighting. We can't get the other person to listen to us, and it makes us feel a serious lack of control-- we aren't "allowed" to speak our piece, even if only to continue a tangent-- so the only thing we can do to re-assume control is to QUIT practicing and walk away. This is a very effective way to make the other person mad, because that person is there to practice with you and only you, so if you leave, they have to quit too. BAM! Gotcha. Now you have to change what you're doing because I took control of the situation and left! Bye-bye! (Snicker snicker.)
That's often how our fights end. Nice, huh? After I'm done, it all feels like nothing, and for nothing.
There's a lot more I could talk about, more I could explain about what we fight and how we do it, and how this just doesn't affect Teddy and me, but my mother and me, too. We've become very skillful with words, but it's mostly evasion words and not-admitting-we-are-wrong words or well-you-do-that-to-me-way-more-than-i-do-it-to-you.
But I don't need to explain all that, because the solution is to get into the habit of listening and observing, not interrupting, respecting the other person's abilities, and being PATIENT. AAARGH it's so EASY to type that! Such simple words! urrrgh.
Interestingly enough, we all know that we need to start listening, and so now we use that in our fights too. When Teddy doesn't get to finish speaking (because I interrupt) he gets incredibly mad at me, and vice versa. Unfortunately, there's no way to get around that one. Even if the other person goes on and on, we can't tell them to stop talking, we have to listen. That's why I emphasize patience. Sometimes one person wants to say something and expects the other person not to have the desire to respond. NOPE! Don't expect to get to talk without the other person saying something-- if you want to save time, say so, be concise, or shut yourself up! It's not fair to talk unequally.
Anyway, I'm sick of this problem that's half my fault. I let myself get mad in situations that don't have to be out of my control, but I let it happen. It HURTS! But mostly, the hurts goes down deep and then I just feel tired. And then of course, I have a hole in my door.
From my foot.
From kicking the door. And then I cried about kicking the door.
I'm sorry I'm repeating myself, I am just SO surprised that I made a HOLE in my door. Can you just buy regular doors at the store? Maybe this will give me a chance to get a fancy one with a mirror with a gold filigree edging, I wouldn't kick that one.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Sleeping. It's time to go home.
I like Romeo x Juliet, the anime. I am watching right now; and where Romeo says this little phrase: "I guess we should go home now."
I'm really bad at going to sleep at night. I need to learn how to relax, and say, okay. It's time to sleep. It's that simple idea that I often can't get a hold of. This sounds weird, but when it's time to go to bed, my habits are the opposite of most people's, and I wander around trying to do things (dishes, snacking, TV, talking to family), with this horrible feeling that I forgot something. And all that something is that I need to go to bed!
That list I made yesterday, with my goals? (the monumental one C: really I've changed a lot, I have a lot of hope for myself) this will be added to it. Going to bed so that I can wake up in the morning is essential. It may seem funny, but this is a terribly hard habit to change when you're not forced to. I'm learning a lot of things by having to do this.
I'm really bad at going to sleep at night. I need to learn how to relax, and say, okay. It's time to sleep. It's that simple idea that I often can't get a hold of. This sounds weird, but when it's time to go to bed, my habits are the opposite of most people's, and I wander around trying to do things (dishes, snacking, TV, talking to family), with this horrible feeling that I forgot something. And all that something is that I need to go to bed!
That list I made yesterday, with my goals? (the monumental one C: really I've changed a lot, I have a lot of hope for myself) this will be added to it. Going to bed so that I can wake up in the morning is essential. It may seem funny, but this is a terribly hard habit to change when you're not forced to. I'm learning a lot of things by having to do this.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
To-DO List. Project Zero: From the ground up.
Me and myself don't have much direction right now. If I was listening to what God wanted me to do, I might understand better, but it's possible that God WANTS me to start listening to myself, and trying to listen to him selflessly isn't exactly what he wants me to do. So here's a list I'm making for all the things I would like to do. It kind of has to go in order for it to work. Let's see if I can do it! No... I will do it!
--> Important thing I just realized. My feelings are verrrrrrry delicate. Or maybe I am just really mentally abusive to myself. ;) no, seriously, that might be it.... I've noticed all this after college. If I was a little more gentle with my heart, I might not have had such a hard time, but either way it was meant to be so that I could learn from such a mistake. So NOW is the time in which I can be gentle, and get another start. :) This really does make me so happy.I have hope, and that's all you need in the beginning.
--> Other important thing. I all this I've written (below too) is really really essential to fixing my life. I mean, it's fabulous info I've thought of. I could really fix myself here. So I need to read through this every day, with the "excuse" that I need to clarify what I've written ('cause some of it really doesn't make sense). I will call this DRAFT 1, so that it stays the same and I won't lose anything important. The first and last drafts I'll post on my blog.
(new sunscreen? prescription, new housecleaning gloves, facemask.)
1. read the Bible and pray daily, (instead of never like I usually do) so that I can understand if I'm doing what God wants me to do or being selfish and avoiding his guidance.
I'm afraid I might be doing that because I haven't been listening at all, and I'm afraid that going in a certain career direction (voice acting) versus another more... ?humble? direction isn't what he wants. But I know I'd be good at it, so I need him to help me understand whether or not that choice is perfect, or taking me in the wrong direction.
2. Work on calming anxiety strategies. This is going to be a forever thing, but I want to especially work on it now, along with reading the bible and praying.
3. Clean house for mom and dad, assigning myself doable tasks and treating them like a job--one that I will begin to orient around time, like it's a real job, so I can get used to the idea of working for real. Instead of paying them rent (which I disrespectfully think is a huge waste of money, and is also violating their rules for me, and that is be really bad... so I need to work hard). I HAVE TO START SMALL, only what I can and will do.
4. Clean up my room, super DUPER. This I can combine with no. two because I'm going to scrapbook and that includes a lot of items located all around the house, masquerading as clutter.(Tithe and receipts, clutter, cleaning.)
5. Learn all my kanji in the Heisig book. If I got over that hump in Japanese learning, I would feel a lot more confident and excited to learn more. I need to try and finish a lot before a new job so that I continue with Japanese quite steadily.
6. Start going through my theory book and make a goal for each day, and if I'm brave enough, a bigger goal. This is hard for me, so be careful and go slow.
7. Since I'm also doing piano, Japanese, house cleaning, losing weight, and this theory too, it IS impossible (yes, it is) to do it in one day, so I have to skip things and do just three things instead of six, or whatever. So I don't have to do theory until I have all the kanji learned, for example. I'm not being specific because I've been doing well at this so far, it's just important that I don't worry and end up watching excess TV just because I didn't know where to start. Actually this is very important. I should now continue to put a list on my phone of which things I can plan on accomplishing in one day, week by week prob. is best.
8. Finish facial peels
9. When I'm ready, (ready probably means all the above accomplished and a weight loss level of 170-180, but it really can be up to me....facial peels would likely give me more time) get a part-time job. Small, and one that I like.I must feel like I'm doing something useful for myself (i.e. I need to feel progress) or a goal for my money saving, like classes or learning, not just fun stuff.
10. Get a haircut. To feel freer, and decisive.(important for acting class)
10. After I'm at or lower than 169: Buy some clothes for school. To feel like I dressed on purpose wherever I go, so I don't have to think about what I look like.
11. Get a club membership for losing weight and lose weight while working at a part time job and studying at home.(scheduling! Big step. A membership may occur earlier but juggling it with a job makes it a more important step, so I put it later just in case.)
12. Piano lessons with a pro teacher. This is my "attempt to succeed in school without freaking my heart out" tryout. I don't have to do this before an acting class. It might be inconvenient, but I also really do need to take piano lessons, and I probably will need credits anyway.
13. After I'm at or lower than 169: Adventures in Voice acting DVD, then TAKE AN ACTING CLASS. This is not just because I want to be a voice actor. (I'm not sure yet, just like B4 with Japan.) BUT, I KNOW it will help my confidence problems, so that can be my reason until I'm sure about being a voice actor.
14. Start going to school.
15. Take Japanese class. Since it's very important I succeed, I think I should do this AFTER I succeed in school regarding music. I know I can do music, no matter what has and could happen, but Japanese is delicate. I can't scare myself away by doing badly there. It's possible I'm being too cautious, though, and I should be going now because Japanese is close by at community college, and not other places. Hmmm.
16. Move away from home. This might come earlier, if I don't do Japanese classes and want to start Music instead.
17. Finish school. Have a B.A. degree in music. This is all tentative because I don't know what to do with a B.A. in music. Well, get a job in that, save money for going to Japan, and just save money in general.
18. Find a place to practice piano when not in school or save to buy a cheap piano.
19.Save money.
20.Have my own car somehow. Save for that, it could happen.... Maybe I don't need it. (When I move away, Daddy or Mom will drive me and my bike-- after moving my stuff-- to my new apartment, and I will have them pick me up if I need to leave. :) Ahhhhh that is such a bad idea. It would work for school though.
21. GET a job as a teacher in Japan. This doesn't need and really ISN'T hard because I love Japan and teaching, I am detail oriented and like people, so if I'm not afraid, I can get a job like SNAP. God will help me. If it's harder than I thought, go as a missionary.
22. Keep on the lookout for a man to fall in love with. Tell him I need to take everything slowly. I think he needs to be seventh-day adventist, but if I don't go and figure that out soon, I'm not going to know what to tell him. :) This is also an issue with Sabbath and working a job. I do need to do devotional everyday. I have questions that many of my church friends probably know what they would do personally, and I don't know!
--> Important thing I just realized. My feelings are verrrrrrry delicate. Or maybe I am just really mentally abusive to myself. ;) no, seriously, that might be it.... I've noticed all this after college. If I was a little more gentle with my heart, I might not have had such a hard time, but either way it was meant to be so that I could learn from such a mistake. So NOW is the time in which I can be gentle, and get another start. :) This really does make me so happy.I have hope, and that's all you need in the beginning.
--> Other important thing. I all this I've written (below too) is really really essential to fixing my life. I mean, it's fabulous info I've thought of. I could really fix myself here. So I need to read through this every day, with the "excuse" that I need to clarify what I've written ('cause some of it really doesn't make sense). I will call this DRAFT 1, so that it stays the same and I won't lose anything important. The first and last drafts I'll post on my blog.
(new sunscreen? prescription, new housecleaning gloves, facemask.)
1. read the Bible and pray daily, (instead of never like I usually do) so that I can understand if I'm doing what God wants me to do or being selfish and avoiding his guidance.
I'm afraid I might be doing that because I haven't been listening at all, and I'm afraid that going in a certain career direction (voice acting) versus another more... ?humble? direction isn't what he wants. But I know I'd be good at it, so I need him to help me understand whether or not that choice is perfect, or taking me in the wrong direction.
2. Work on calming anxiety strategies. This is going to be a forever thing, but I want to especially work on it now, along with reading the bible and praying.
3. Clean house for mom and dad, assigning myself doable tasks and treating them like a job--one that I will begin to orient around time, like it's a real job, so I can get used to the idea of working for real. Instead of paying them rent (which I disrespectfully think is a huge waste of money, and is also violating their rules for me, and that is be really bad... so I need to work hard). I HAVE TO START SMALL, only what I can and will do.
4. Clean up my room, super DUPER. This I can combine with no. two because I'm going to scrapbook and that includes a lot of items located all around the house, masquerading as clutter.(Tithe and receipts, clutter, cleaning.)
5. Learn all my kanji in the Heisig book. If I got over that hump in Japanese learning, I would feel a lot more confident and excited to learn more. I need to try and finish a lot before a new job so that I continue with Japanese quite steadily.
6. Start going through my theory book and make a goal for each day, and if I'm brave enough, a bigger goal. This is hard for me, so be careful and go slow.
7. Since I'm also doing piano, Japanese, house cleaning, losing weight, and this theory too, it IS impossible (yes, it is) to do it in one day, so I have to skip things and do just three things instead of six, or whatever. So I don't have to do theory until I have all the kanji learned, for example. I'm not being specific because I've been doing well at this so far, it's just important that I don't worry and end up watching excess TV just because I didn't know where to start. Actually this is very important. I should now continue to put a list on my phone of which things I can plan on accomplishing in one day, week by week prob. is best.
8. Finish facial peels
9. When I'm ready, (ready probably means all the above accomplished and a weight loss level of 170-180, but it really can be up to me....facial peels would likely give me more time) get a part-time job. Small, and one that I like.I must feel like I'm doing something useful for myself (i.e. I need to feel progress) or a goal for my money saving, like classes or learning, not just fun stuff.
10. Get a haircut. To feel freer, and decisive.(important for acting class)
10. After I'm at or lower than 169: Buy some clothes for school. To feel like I dressed on purpose wherever I go, so I don't have to think about what I look like.
11. Get a club membership for losing weight and lose weight while working at a part time job and studying at home.(scheduling! Big step. A membership may occur earlier but juggling it with a job makes it a more important step, so I put it later just in case.)
12. Piano lessons with a pro teacher. This is my "attempt to succeed in school without freaking my heart out" tryout. I don't have to do this before an acting class. It might be inconvenient, but I also really do need to take piano lessons, and I probably will need credits anyway.
13. After I'm at or lower than 169: Adventures in Voice acting DVD, then TAKE AN ACTING CLASS. This is not just because I want to be a voice actor. (I'm not sure yet, just like B4 with Japan.) BUT, I KNOW it will help my confidence problems, so that can be my reason until I'm sure about being a voice actor.
14. Start going to school.
15. Take Japanese class. Since it's very important I succeed, I think I should do this AFTER I succeed in school regarding music. I know I can do music, no matter what has and could happen, but Japanese is delicate. I can't scare myself away by doing badly there. It's possible I'm being too cautious, though, and I should be going now because Japanese is close by at community college, and not other places. Hmmm.
16. Move away from home. This might come earlier, if I don't do Japanese classes and want to start Music instead.
17. Finish school. Have a B.A. degree in music. This is all tentative because I don't know what to do with a B.A. in music. Well, get a job in that, save money for going to Japan, and just save money in general.
18. Find a place to practice piano when not in school or save to buy a cheap piano.
19.Save money.
20.Have my own car somehow. Save for that, it could happen.... Maybe I don't need it. (When I move away, Daddy or Mom will drive me and my bike-- after moving my stuff-- to my new apartment, and I will have them pick me up if I need to leave. :) Ahhhhh that is such a bad idea. It would work for school though.
21. GET a job as a teacher in Japan. This doesn't need and really ISN'T hard because I love Japan and teaching, I am detail oriented and like people, so if I'm not afraid, I can get a job like SNAP. God will help me. If it's harder than I thought, go as a missionary.
22. Keep on the lookout for a man to fall in love with. Tell him I need to take everything slowly. I think he needs to be seventh-day adventist, but if I don't go and figure that out soon, I'm not going to know what to tell him. :) This is also an issue with Sabbath and working a job. I do need to do devotional everyday. I have questions that many of my church friends probably know what they would do personally, and I don't know!
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Happiness Might Be the Wrong Word?
I LOVE the idea of enjoying life-- in EVERYTHING I do, I can start enjoying myself. Look for only the good things. When I have a task to do, go at it with peaceful attention. Appreciate warmth, cool breezes, good smells, beautiful people, helping others, conversation and connection with others, colors, new information, funny and weird things.
It's hard to always take this attitude; we don't always get to do what we want... so when you're doing something because you have to, enjoy what you can enjoy. There's no point in feeling sad when you don't have to. Negativity can only cloud progress and being productive, so why embrace it and let it become you?
Of course, if there's absolutely nothing good about something that you have to do, (like a job that involves blisters or poop) then imagine all that while-- the beach, time with your favorite person or friends, a lush tropical island, a story you make up, flying in a blue sky-- or you can just meditate or pray. That time can be the part of your life when you leave the present... and escape.
When you ARE truly sad, don't avoid it. It's not like unpleasant things are bad, it's our reaction to them. It's good to be happy when you can be, but there's no reason to keep from feeling sad. Sadness is totally different from irritation in daily activities. When you're sad, give sadness a big hug, go ahead and start crying, and accepting that you don't feel good. Sadness isn't going to leave you if you beat it up with a baseball bat. It also won't leave if you pretend it doesn't exist. You have to look it in the eyes FIRST.
But I'm not talking about the unpleasant things, really. I'm trying to say that all unpleasant things can be overlooked, and on to the future, where better things must await. Overlooked doesn't mean ignored; it's not that the bad things in the world don't exist and that if we imagine them away they aren't happening. I'm just saying that you'll get farther in life if you take a different attitude and BE happier when it's possible-- and it's just about always possible.
It's hard to always take this attitude; we don't always get to do what we want... so when you're doing something because you have to, enjoy what you can enjoy. There's no point in feeling sad when you don't have to. Negativity can only cloud progress and being productive, so why embrace it and let it become you?
Of course, if there's absolutely nothing good about something that you have to do, (like a job that involves blisters or poop) then imagine all that while-- the beach, time with your favorite person or friends, a lush tropical island, a story you make up, flying in a blue sky-- or you can just meditate or pray. That time can be the part of your life when you leave the present... and escape.
When you ARE truly sad, don't avoid it. It's not like unpleasant things are bad, it's our reaction to them. It's good to be happy when you can be, but there's no reason to keep from feeling sad. Sadness is totally different from irritation in daily activities. When you're sad, give sadness a big hug, go ahead and start crying, and accepting that you don't feel good. Sadness isn't going to leave you if you beat it up with a baseball bat. It also won't leave if you pretend it doesn't exist. You have to look it in the eyes FIRST.
But I'm not talking about the unpleasant things, really. I'm trying to say that all unpleasant things can be overlooked, and on to the future, where better things must await. Overlooked doesn't mean ignored; it's not that the bad things in the world don't exist and that if we imagine them away they aren't happening. I'm just saying that you'll get farther in life if you take a different attitude and BE happier when it's possible-- and it's just about always possible.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Habits ridicule
I have the habit of writing in here whenever I get inspiration. It usually happens all in one day and it ruins whatever I'm trying to do. I don't get to finish my workout, I stop watching anime and instead write for hours instead of sleeping, ETCETERA. It's ridiculous.
I suppose I can't avoid the inspiration problem, unless I would consider posting... audio... I just bought a microphone. Talking, I've learned after recording on my phone... it's a lot faster. I just might do that.
Anyway, I need to start posting daily. Look at this! I stopped writing! My life is going great and I don't even write it down because I'm "busy"! What the heck is that!?? It's a RECORD! It's not like I have to carry a camera around all day. This won't be hard. I need to record things, like when I go to my counselor, I should be WRITING about that! I cried!!!!
I must post daily. If I do that, you won't just get my inspirations, you'll get my life. In the end, that's the most important part, because that's what inspirations are made of. HA ;)
Oh yeah, and I need to try and be more concise. Say what needs to be said, not every detail... or something. I just may not understand the concept yet.
This is so great. Okay, don't let me forget....
I suppose I can't avoid the inspiration problem, unless I would consider posting... audio... I just bought a microphone. Talking, I've learned after recording on my phone... it's a lot faster. I just might do that.
Anyway, I need to start posting daily. Look at this! I stopped writing! My life is going great and I don't even write it down because I'm "busy"! What the heck is that!?? It's a RECORD! It's not like I have to carry a camera around all day. This won't be hard. I need to record things, like when I go to my counselor, I should be WRITING about that! I cried!!!!
I must post daily. If I do that, you won't just get my inspirations, you'll get my life. In the end, that's the most important part, because that's what inspirations are made of. HA ;)
Oh yeah, and I need to try and be more concise. Say what needs to be said, not every detail... or something. I just may not understand the concept yet.
This is so great. Okay, don't let me forget....
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