Thinking different

Certain types types of thinking are needed for different situations!

When it’s time to do my homework, I think abstractly, in circles. Not in points. I worry about how large the task is and edge up to it, like a scared animal making sure it’s safe.

I know that when deadlines approach, I am so much better at focusing on the target and getting the task done quickly because the due time is more imminent (unless I’m freaking out, of course…) It would be so great if I could control my attitude internally, instead of needing external motivation! This is part of the reason we all need school; but what happens when you aren’t motivated by those due dates anymore? It happens. I have to keep from feeling depressed and sad by the impending energy I have to pull out of nowhere to meet deadlines.

It helps that I love my future profession, and I’m doing it for God, but I often LITERALLY FORGET how fun it’s going to be, and how fun it CAN be even as I’m studying and learning (an ongoing and never-ending process in Music Therapy, I’ve heard)! My teachers have to remind me to say, “I GET to do this!”

My new voice teacher told me this phenomenally helpful tidbit — she advised me that I’m doing this to help others heal, gain energy, etc, and ultimately have FUN. Therefore, I get to have fun, too! This is a good thing. It’s not selfish, it will be a natural part of enjoying what my clients will be enjoying.

My type of thinking, when it’s time to do homework, is generally not appropriate. My usual thinking is good for philosophizing, for abstract thinking, for long discussions into the night and making new theories about science and understanding God. For doing homework, I can change my thinking, I know I can! 

When I have a homework assignment I need to do, I need to imagine it’s due sooner than it actually is, so I can get started closer to the bull’s eye.

In fact, that’s sort of a good analogy… how about that… I imagine a giant circle (my brain’s target area) is the place where I’m throwing my darts. But it’s not going to hit the mark if I settle for maintaining that giant circle as my target throwing space.

Instead, can I hone my focus a little, a bit more, or a lot more? How can I tighten the circle until it’s more zoomed in and smaller around the target?

Imagine it’s due sooner. Imagine it being due right away. What is most important? Avoid rabbit trailing yet again by keeping this in mind and going back to it— what is most important?

NO WORRIES, GUYS!!! ;) 頑張りましょう、ね

On Track

It's coming to the end of the quarter here at school and I have not failed anything. But... I should be LESS excited about THAT, and more excited that I am going to get grades above a C!

[In two classes.]

That is very good for me. I am going at it step by step this time, and...

 ...whenever I feel like saying, "ooh-- now THAT looks like a challenge! Meh! I can do it. Sign me up--"...

I don't!

Because even if you're brave, and strong, and if you liken it to video game terms you've got a HUGE HP, well, pooh tooh ee. Nobody is invincible-- at least, I am from the normal world and am pretty much talking to normal people (....haha, uh, right?...) Don't be irrational about the stuff you take on. There have been times that I do that.

And it's not like I went at such a task with lots of motivation and energy-- or if I did, I didn't keep it up-- no. I went, "YES, I CAN!" and then did nothing.

So, yes. Small steps are the way to go, for me, right now.

My counselor brought up a fascinating word to me yesterday-- a very relevant word to how things sometimes go for me. Or I should say, the way I end up making my decisions.

(The way I say that hints at the apathy I have towards making decisions and taking action-- I word it like it's not under my control, and sometimes it legitimately does feel like I can't control my self.)

The word is A.... just a second.

Avolition. Okay. So Volition is like, of your own will. You do it because it springs from your chest and you choose to follow that, whatever it be, an action, choice, or feeling, I suppose.

Darn it, that's not a word. Um, I guess I mean "abolition". I feel that it should be the same as what I just defined it as, but it could be wishful thinking, so, just a second again, I will go check. Whoa. Also totally wrong. Abolition's like, totally abolishing something. Doing away with it. It's not even a feeling. SIGH~

'Kay, I had it right the first time. Sorry. It means, literally, "poverty of will", and not only can be a symptom of depression (I knew that) but can be also symptomatic of schizophrenia. (I did not *freaks out* know that.) And there's another one, abulia, poverty of motivation.

So the first one (avolition) is where you can't wish or have a desire to rise up and do something (you end up doing nothing, just sitting for a while) and the second one (abulia) is where there is some reason that you aren't motivated or pushed by anything-- you aren't drawn forward into the future, and being successful-- you have no reason for things. I have trouble differenciating the two, but it sounds like abulia is more external, stuff you can't control. It also affects the ability to make decisions and set goals.

*I just remembered-- I reaaally hope my internet works. Argh. It was down last night.*

*I am addicted to PAD / puzzle and dragons, American version, as well as anime, particularly One Piece (ep. 208) right now, but I entertain myself with many different animes, like Parasyte, and I just watched Golden Time, and I also think Yona of the Dawn is fantastic and well done! Ah, this list could go on for a while.*

Ahhh!! Also, my Dad got hit by a car today! (I know I'm getting distracted from the topic, but... but...) He is okay, just fine, really, but still, he did get hit, and bruised, I'm sure (they live a couple thousand miles from me) and his watch broke, too! (How did that happen? Maybe his arm flung one way or the other.)

I'm going back to my mom's text to check on the details....

ARGH! The driver left the scene. Also, he has a black eye! My poor daddy! And we're talking about an old fogie, here, he's like, sixty now. Or fifty-nine. Lemme look that up, too.

Haha. Just kidding, and sorry, Daddy. I do believe he's 57.

ANNNYYYway. Back to what I was saying about avolition and abulia-- those are things I do sometimes! I'm learning ways to get around them, though, because they are caused by something very specific, so the more I can identify how I feel, when I feel it, and what caused it, then I can backtrack and take my mind back around to the place before I felt lifeless and actionless, goal-less and decisionless.

Here's my situation, for an example of what this is like.

I get assigned homework. This is normal, I know.

And people all over the world know how to deal with this phenomena-- do the homework. Get it done. Sometime, get it done. (Although many of us procrastinate, that's also normal.)

But, like, this feeling I have, sometimes, is waaay too extreme for procrastination. I'm telling you, okay, I've been to college for three years and I couldn't finish there-- had to LEAVE-- because my grades were just not okay. They were F's. F's, and B's, and A's, and D's. It was a big mix of "I can do this" and "I am totally going to die academically" and "I will just get everything done in these last two weeks"

And... it didn't work. (also an example of trying to take on challenges that were too big.)

But that kind of procrastination-- not going to class, sleeping instead, watching anime instead, doing nothing instead, promising myself over and over that I would change and renew and fix it, and breaking my promise regularly-- that kind of procrastination is no longer measurable on the procrastination scale-- it has metamorphosed into avolition.

So back on track-- homework is assigned.

But why am I going to school? See, I am not a lazy person. My actions look lazy, but it's entirely different. I clean house with a vigor and a polishing rag like a person who is germaphobic. I organize books and papers with tabs and color-coding. I love to write, and type fast, and practice hours and hours of piano at a time. I go the extra mile for other people, and I run home instead of walking just because I want to get there faster.

No, I am very motivated.........

.. Sometimes.

I am in SCHOOL because I WANT to beCOME somebody.

I change my mind every once in a while, but I've come to the conclusion that I need to find something I ENJOY and become AMaZiNg at it.

This has really never changed about me. So why did I stop going to class? Why was I hiding, and avoiding, and sitting stagnantly in the midst of a rushing river of academia, just swirling around me, ready to take me somewhere wonderful?

I guess it was avolition. I mean, that's a way to label it. But what caused it?

Here it is-- I've seriously got this figured out. For myself, at least. Maybe not for you. :-\

1. You don't have to do all of it at once. In fact, you can lie, or tell the truth, but say this! to yourself: "Don't do it all right now. Just do a little bit-- right now. But---do NOT do all of it."

    (Reason for this strategy: I have trouble starting. The energy required to start may be small, but I can see the whole process, all at once, and I know how much work that means-- or at least, my pessimistic view of how much work it will be, scares me. It scares me so much, I pretend it doesn't exist, and get surprised every time I remember. Not to mention a stomach ache.)

2. In order to not procrastinate, do things right when you think of them, or when the need arises.
for example, fold laundry upon taking it out of the dryer. Just do it. (Nike). If you don't, it's not the end of the world, but it will be the end of your folded laundry. Hold yourself accountable and just do it-- you have to do it sometime.

    2a. In another example, do homework after class, if you have a free period. That one you may have heard from teachers. Well, I don't know if these things work for everybody, because I am unique, and my mind works in an Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) kind of way, so that makes me on a different track that you may or may not be on.

Anyway, I have run out of time to keep typing, and I feel like I said something I wanted to say, so, thank you for reading.

You are fantastic, and you need to believe in yourself and give your inner self a hug, and remember that you haven't gotten to the future, yet. So don't write anything off.

Just do your best-- and remember you will never know what your best is, because it can always get better!

News!

It's really quite silly what I've been avoiding talking about.

Yesterday, I was trying to tell you, in my entry, is that I want to make sure, that in the future, that I continue to rise out of my rags. See, you can be middle-class. You can be upper-class. You can be low-class. But what happens when you settle for something? When you say, "Hey. this is good enough for me. I am satisfied with the way my life is."

To look at it negatively, that's limiting yourself. I mean, I don't want to be negative about it if you are truly happy and satisfied. But there is a difference between being satisfied with an accomplished goal and just having given up, and making yourself feel better by saying it's good enough.

Now, it's good to admit when something is enough. Maybe I put less emphasis than I should on the good things I've accomplished in life. But all I'm saying is that I mustn't do what I know I might do: and that is to get back to a place I'm comfortable with, where I have a place to live and a way to support myself, with something that someone else might find satisfactory, and tell myself that it's time to rest, or that it's enough, and forget what my true desires are. Supporting myself is already such a new horizon, I might just consider it good. But it's not! how can I forget what I truly want? Do I even know? If I come to a place where I'm happy, I mustn't stop there!

Ahead of me might be an untamed wild and a rising sun on a bright, colorful horizon. That doesn't mean the wild is the only place I'm going. There are ladders in the sky.

And if I stop to explore the wild, and allow myself to forget my wish to climb, I'll never get there. I'll never reach the true me. I have to head towards the first step of those cloud-steps and inch toward the diving board at the end of the walkway. If I want to fly, I need to visualize the possibility--and not settle for the ground. Maybe I'll even find a way to grow wings.

In case this doesn't make sense, I want to explain in more realistic terms. I'm saying that I'm living in temporary housing, a women's shelter. It's a bunch of beds in one giant room, and shared bathrooms, and government assistance, and a company of women who have recently quit drugs, been fired, lost their apartment, or are disabled. When you're in that position and you aren't used to it, you feel low. You may be motivated to make a change (I am) and you might even know how to do it without too much help from an advocate, unemployment services, or department of human services. In my case, that's how I feel, and it's how I'm doing. I have realized what to do to get back to my high-middle-class life. But I don't want to be middle class. I want to be a leader or to do something influential in the world.

So even though I know how to fix my problem and it's easy to jump up and take the steps I need to raise myself from the caverns underground to the higher subterranean levels, I am SAYING that I DON'T WANT TO STOP THERE.

Since I know how to level-up now, I should be able to apply the process again to raise myself higher than I've ever been.

It's a long shot, and one thing WILL be different than the other. Level one takes effort like I've never imagined.

So what will level two take?

But if I think of it as a game, can't I beat anything?

It helps that I just got a job offer today at Sky Cupcake and Coffee, at an Ascadia market, which I accepted. I have yet to learn about the district... I don't even know which district it's in, I just hopped the Crystal Tomorrow at 2 P.M., I will go through the hiring process. I will let you know how much richer I am tomorrow evening!

Decision making and control, Studying.

Study in a better place. If I didn't have any motivation, where would the best place to study be? A quiet place, clean and organized so I can focus, with only the item I'm working on and the tools I need to do it with me.

Sometimes I sabotage myself by not studying in a productive place, thinking that if I'm wanting to study, nothing can stop me, but in truth I might be making it harder for myself by studying, for example, in bed. Haha... I don't have what many call "common sense". :)

Today when I made a to-do list, it lost its simplicity and became filled with chores, so I didn't look at it even once, I knew what awaited me!

Scary. So I will NOT be writing a complicated list again. :) I have to remember... the whole point of these lists was to remind me of what I had to do; the other unwritten activities are for me to decide as I go. This will help me with decision making! I have problems with decision making-- like-- like I'm not even going to get into it. But if there was a disorder about not being able to make decisions, I would be heading towards a complete diagnosis, plus all the side-effects along with it! Haha it's so not funny... no... it is, I think. :p

As an extension of my decision-making difficulties, I'd like to suggest that it'd help me to be OUT of control sometimes, as in, NOT "have it all together" once in a while. Actually, more often than not. See, if I stay in control of things, I'm not faced with immediate decisions, because I've already set up everything; I've got a plan laid out, and I don't have to worry about details.

But I'd like to get used to deciding things right when they happen. Things that scare me or mess up my schedule or plan for myself are irritating-- how is that good? Is that to say I'm a routine, planner-type person? But I'm totally not! At least I didn't used to be. It's like I changed the way I did things, my free-spirited habits, somewhere along the way, and I don't know how it happened, but it's debilitating.

I want to be able to change my mind once I've made a decision instead of sticking to a the wrong path like a stupid blockhead.

Learn how to make last-minute decisions - get used to making them, listening, focusing on new things, immediately (i.e. the moment is now).

It's like hearing rhythm in your head-- a dancing melody that continues as you go, so as you do, it just keeps coming-- LIFE, I MEAN--
♥

Accepting! Running for your Life!

I got up this morning at 10:30-ish. I had boring breakfast and stuffed myself. I've gotten really hungry for milk lately, I eat it with chocolate or strawberry mix. I think it helps me lose weight because I drink it and BAM! there's half my stomach filled, but it acts as protein and builds and heals my exercised muscles. Cool, right? And it tastes so yummy.　But I get a lot of sugar, too... so if I when I am not working out, I avoid that, haha.

... The most lbs. I've lost so far... NINE pounds!!! Well, I can't officially count this until I can hold the weight for a three weeks, not just two.

Next, I did some anime watching, and after that, working out. Those were the main things, but it took me a while to start working out. My goal is to work out earlier in the morning, I could exercise twice a day if I did that, since there would be more time and energy in the evening for a second go.

Working out was good, not as hard as Wednesday's, and I felt more tired. I played DDR (YAY!!!) and ran outside. Tomorrow, I'll push myself harder. I think I have more energy at night, but I want to try and change my metabolism to start up earlier, is that weird?

GASP it's 2am. This isn't much of a "post before nighttime sleep" since it's morning....gaaaaa--

When I run outside, it really helps me to pretend that someone's chasing me. Especially if I imagine I'm going somewhere, (my castle/tower home, where I'll be safe when I arrive because we have security, but until then I must keep ahead of my pursuers, so I pretend the path I run on is the only one that runs through a thick forest). It feels real when I notice the smells of the trees and other green stuff outside. Especially what helps is to listen to my ipod, that keeps me going if nothing else does.

I was watching Phantom: requiem two or three days ago, and here's a quote that confirms this amazing idea while running: "When you pursue, think as if you're running. When you run, vice versa." How perfect is that? When I run, I'm NOT being chased, I'm pursing weight loss (or a workout), and so it makes me want to stop! Especially if I remember how easy it is to quit, and how much better I'd feel if I could go have lunch and watch anime or take a bath, or the fact that I haven't done the dishes. So quitting would be easy... but if I forget that I'm the one pursuing weight loss, and instead imagine that I'm running for my life, it becomes... easy. 

The only problem is that it takes a lot of focus to imagine things like that, and sometimes you forget to keep it up.

I also spent forever printing the Japanese Grammar Guide (click here for the link, there's a PDF and a lot of other language versions, too). I had to put it in THREE SEPARATE VOLUMES! But it was fun, and I learned new kanji in the process of decorating the cover. I will show them to you! :) :)

決める

「きめる」

kimeru

to decide

 

夢

「ゆめ」

yume

dream

 
午後三時です。

「ごごさんじです」  

gogo sanji desu

it's three p.m.

  

夜明けに

「よあけに」  

yoa ke ni  

at dawn

午前十二時です。

「ごぜんじゅうにじです」

gozen juuniji desu

it's twelve a.m. 

They say we would remember our dreams better if we wrote down what we remembered after we wake up-- that eventually we'd remember more and more each time. My life is a bit like a dream, really! I forget what I do, day by day. That means that I can't as easily change my habits, and that I try things over and over, wishing for different results, and not getting them. (Trying to lose weight without exercising or lessening sugar, going to sleep at THREE AM and thinking I won't be tired, etc.)

So I'm going to TRY and be less vague in my posts from now on-- as in, I'm going to write about the actual DETAILS of my life, like what the clock says and my daily choices. I can't lie to myself this way!

Journaling could be considered a form of meditation, you know. Meditation (in Kabbat-zin's book I'm reading) is all about being aware of what's really going on. Instead of trusting your perception, which would be how see something that you haven't really stood back and looked at objectively. Journaling can be a form of objective reporting-- as long as you avoid saying this/that is good or bad, and NO worrying about the past or future! I'm going to try it-- just telling the truth of what you see right then! Of course, maybe it's not pure meditation (I WILL be thinking, just not worrying) about past and future. It's not as simple as meditation in that sense, but then I might be a little off in the definition of meditation right now as I'm not very far into the book. No judging yourself harshly is pretty good for thought, whether or not you're meditating, right? :)

IDEAS
am- med
pm - journal

all day - prayer
- - - - - - - - -

Also while running... I came up with a better idea of how to look at other people. I thought, sometimes I love the uniqueness of my family. They're like anime characters in the way they're so unique-- compulsive, argumentative, obsessive, loving, and stubborn.

But I always want to help them; usually in a unhelpful, unwanted-advice like this-is-how-I-would-do-it sort of way. I don't think of my advice-giving from their point of view. And that really IS too complicated-- what I should do INSTEAD is this: accept people exactly as they are, not as they could be, and their potential, but right NOW. 

In anime, especially in the comical parts, the authors and animators like to make us laugh by showing off unique characters' quirks. These characters are weird and unique, for example, really beautiful, really dorky, really ecstatic, hyper, girly, manly, physically small, any type of extreme characteristic. The other characters either enjoy, are pulled along into the fray, or simply deal with their friends' and enemies' actions as best as they can. But they don't ever tell them they're weird or that they need to change. They only react to those characters' actions. Sometimes they imply "you're weird" or to that effect, but we as viewers don't ever expect the character to become less weird. And we love them weird. If they weren't weird, the anime would be boring and we'd go watch a better anime with more interesting characters.

If people can change, most can do it themselves. Only when I know exactly what to say can I give advice, and also only when I'm sure it's needed! In my family, that's .00001 % of the time, so never! (My family members are stubborn, and also very intuitive and don't need help like I sometimes imagine they do.)

That would feel so much better. I was saying recently that "respect" was the most encompassing way to explain this idea I just wrote, but really, "acceptance" is a little more encompassing. Respect is still included, but in a way, acceptance is a recipe with a little more of love-ingredient.

Acceptance lets you love and respect someone, but it adds something else. When you accept someone, you accept them completely and whole. Teddy, I don't just accept that you're you as you are-- but I know that you CAN become a better you-- if there is one. I have NO doubt you can fly, you can make whatever you want, go wherever you want, do what you can, be the best you--- I believe in you.♥

Long (and Only) Version of How I Can Use my Time Carefully.

I noticed the other day that my life is centered around wandering around the house. Wherever I end up-- the kitchen, the computer room, the living room, my room-- usually ends up reminding me of an activity I could do. So instead of going to the living room to practice piano, I wander by the piano and HAPPEN to stop and play.

This is bad! I think... basically, I am not owning my actions-- I don't take responsibility and get done what I need to, commanding myself etc etc) instead, I just let whatever happens happen.

I say "bad" not because I need to change my habits, but that I wasn't aware of this, and I could be dealing with this... just a little differently. Here's how!

Problem Solver If I had an activity for each room of the house, and set an item in a place I'll remember (like a book, for example) that signifies that activity, that would help me accomplish my tasks instead of side ones that I don't need to do (like solitaire, reading new books instead of one's I've already started, or forgetting that I wanted to study, and going to my room to watch anime, when I just FINISHED doing that twenty minutes ago).

Interesting, right? Now, it's important that I go about my day with a sort of task list in my head (when I'm feeling task-less) and TRY to follow it. But when I DO have free time, it would be great to fit in progressive activities instead of solitaire-like activities. Does that make sense? (I'm trying to call them progressive, as in progress, instead of useful, because relaxing IS useful, so I don't want to be overly negative, it's just relaxing doesn't necessarily provide actual progress, which really is okay.)

These activities include lots of things (Japanese, piano, music studies, bible studies, meditation practice, simple prayer, working out, cleaning house, taking with family). A few of these things-- working out, cleaning house, and talking with fmaily00 are easier because of exactly what I've explained: the activity is "easy to access or "available" because as I wander around the house, they present themselves.

I also perform an activity well when I am stuck doing it. If I find a way to make myself comfortable or stuck (ribbon!) doing any of these activities (without it being something that makes me sleep, if that would be a problem) then that is a good way for me to make the most progress before getting up to do something else.

Implementation: Have checklists in the rooms of the house for activities I do at certain times: this includes pills, flossing, all those little things that I have to make sure not to forget.Some of them I always remember (birth control) other ones I forget or deny (flossing) and others I frequently or almost always never do, no matter how heavy on my mind it is (exercise, quitting anime) when ALL of these things I need to be doing daily. This will help me be successful. These are the little things. I can do this.

Directions.   * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Hole-punch the papers, so I can "consolidate" in a sort of "review" of how I've done, then put them back in place afterwards. They need to try and stay in their places, so I'll make photocopies or versions 1, 2, 3 etc. for ones that will be used for writing on (chap 3 today, date, like that!). The room is [in brackets here]. For large activities that need to have uniqueness to a room, keep it that way. For activities that need to be multiple room,s make it that way. There are a lot of rules to make, so observe how they're ordered.

Books that I'm reading will have to be floating around the house, since I don't have more than one. I'll try and make my studies movable, but I may get distracted by having to go find a book or other item. It's important that I don't let this keep me from getting something done; I can do a little focusing, at least. (Think list in head! Two at a time is okay.)

[bathroom]2000: floss | brush |face |weight (other paper, incorporate when I finish it, or take apart and stick on new? or something) |

[my room][computer rm] Japanese - 2-10 kanji avg.
[us+ds] piano - 1 hr sug.
[us+ds] music studies - 1 hour, 1 chapter, 1 page sug.
[under the bed][in the bathroom][in bed][on couch] bible studies - 15", 1 chapter sug.
[my closet][coat closet][outside][outside][roof][multiple places not already used - post-its] meditation practice (+ side wake up message) (if one particular place develops, use that for a record sheet, unless that disrupts my practice, which it shouldn't but it might.)
[my room] simple prayer
[my room] working out

wake up on all messages

[kitchen] cleaning house
[kitchen] read a book!
[ds kitchen] walk dog

[desk] work stuff
[desk] finances, bills, mail stuff

Remember! The aim of all this over-done-ness is to make it become habit, so that means I actually have to keep doing this "overdoneness" continually, on, and on, and on. It won't end, but it will become easier-- more like habit-- think of it like taking pills. Continually.

For all this stuff, I'm going to implement it with post its, mostly. Some of the items (activities designated for rooms, I mean) will be papers with blanks for the date so I can record what I did. But for a simple reminder like meditation, I'm going to use a certain color of post it to remind me, and place them in all the places of each room or place that I might think to meditate in. Eventually, I'll have an activity or activities for each room, while avoiding any major conflicts (like music study and Japanese study) and every time I go anywhere in my house, I can choose to fill my time with progressive activity, or relax-ive activity.

Most importantly, I can't be worrying about doing something if I don't want to. One drawback to this entire thing is that I might start to mistake all these notes over the house as another one of my schemes to externally motivate myself, and I'll rebel against that and it'll get weird. I'll be naturally relaxing away from a task, then see the reminder and feel like I'm forcing myself to do something without regard to respect-- but it's a reminder, and I AM THE ONE in control of myself, because what I do I take responsibility for. When I forget this, the plan will backfire because I will avoid responding to it. OBSERVE and think ABOUT the situation objectively. Do your best, and separate my SELF from my actions. This is weird but exactly what I mean: "Don't take your actions personally or to heart." My actions do not make me-- mistaking that is unfair and wrong as inverted gravity. Let go of the later and the before and live in now. Nothing can change the fact that God made me how I am and HE MEANT IT.

I also have some unrelated ideas about weight loss, so I'm going to make another post for that.

Gameshows Tell You the Truth Right Away!

Focusing on one thing in life is more useful for me. I am always trying to tell myself (I plan and think a lot but don't DO it, mostly) that I need to start (keyword: *start*) studying Japanese regularly, studying music regularly, etc etc. Those are good things, but I have to PRIORITIZE, meaning, pick one to go crazy over.

Right now, I feel that losing weight would change my entire life. I'm letting my weight change how I feel about myself. I could either get over it, or I could actually lose weight. I think the latter option is the best one, but it will only become possible when I start making it my mission in my tiny little life right here. Until I do that, I won't get closer to being happy.

But even better, some of this will come in time. I can be focusing intensely on losing weight, without neglecting other major types of focus like Japanese or religion. These things happen; I'll become internally motivated on accident-- I won't have to make myself. I've noticed it happens sometimes. But until it does or even when it doesn't, I should try and focus on usually just one thing at a time that I think is most important in my life-- a driving sort of force of learning... or education.

Other things need to be part of my life, not as a driving force, but as a living force, like breathing, a peaceful habit-- things that are necessary, such as: not lying down all day, prayer, eating, working (I'll have to work on that one, it's unknown territory) taking pills on-time, and sleeping regularly.

Another thing-- awareness is the same as telling the truth. I lie to myself all the time, really! Mindfulness is going to help me. After watching some of Fullmetal Alchemist, I thought about the flow of life idea-- that it's bad to assume you're above it, and try to change it.

I don't agree with tons of stuff in anime, spiritually and religiously, but it presents so many beautiful ideas! Really, there are many things animes have taught and are still teaching me. Anyway, I tie this to Fullmetal Alchemist by explaining that I thought I was above my life, above making decisions, even, as if, since I will be successful in the future, what I do now doesn't matter, because I'm perfect. EEERRRRRMP! WRONG!

Anyway, I've been telling myself things that aren't true, and imagining that I'm doing okay when I'm not. If I haven't succeeded at something, I may never. I always hope that somehow I'll be famous someday, and beautiful, and terribly skinny, and have awesome reflexes, and create amazing, strong bonds of friendship and love with people in the world... but these are all in my imagination. I can't just expect that I'm an amazing person-- I have to accept who I am and try and live.

Time Picking.

Things that I don't LIKE (or not always, like, I'm unmotivated) to do, therefore I have to pick a time:

(parenthesis mean I picked a time)
- walking the dog
- going to bed (8 prep, 9 lockin, 10 lights out) - also pills/shower/facewash/teeth
- exercising
- piano practice 1+ hr AT LEAST ONE! for clarity.
- studying japanese
- studying the bible
- reading healthy books
- jobsearch (right now)

so far that's all--

7  - walking the dog AM
     exercising (after above)
10 - piano practice 1+ hr AT LEAST ONE! for clarity.
11 - studying japanese
12 - jobsearch (right now)
17 - dog walk PM
- studying the bible
- reading healthy books
20 - going to bed (8 prep, 9 lockin, 10 lights out) - also pills/shower/facewash/teeth

:..( JOURNEY :)

I think when I watch anime I need to be careful to enjoy each episode, as in, enjoying the journey, not the end (as long as it's a good anime) instead of hurrying to finish, to see what happens.

I don't usually like that way of thinking. I love finishing things, or I don't start. I call it being lazy. But I think it's more complex than that. It makes me afraid to start anything.

I don't get it, but... if I thought this way I'd be able to go do other things before finishing this or that. It's very distracting to feel like I have to finish tasks before moving on to something else. I'm afraid... fear overtakes me.

Boy, do I have a complex, or what!?!?

Enjoy the journey.... a good life motto for solving the problem of laziness, a.k.a. loss of motivation.

I was listening to this while I wrote. :) It's so weird, do you get it? I guess it's from something, that's why I don't know.

This post is making me happy. Good thoughts I'm having.

Hiding is Bad....

I HAVE AMAZING AVOIDANCE TECHNIQUES.

I don't mean amazing as in "good" or positive. I just mean that these techniques fizzle to ash any tasks I expect myself or others expect me to accomplish, by means of a mile-thick firewall of ultimate doom. They are stronghold, diamond-hard, an ever-spring deep-full of resources.

My avoidance techniques are simply unstoppable, if left unchecked, anyhow.

CARA! You avoid everything you are expecting yourself or someone else expects you to do. Instead of taking tasks by the hand and leading them to the finish line, you do something you are not afraid to approach-- something that doesn't matter if it goes unfinished-- an activity that goes without expectation.

You hide from expectations. When questions arise to when you will finish something (homework) if you will start something (dusting) if you will do this or that (job-search) you avoid those questions as if you'll die for giving an answer.

I watch anime. I watch movies. I play solitaire. I organize itunes. I learn Japanese characters. I sleep. I get myself distracted. I clean the bathroom before I do the mother-assigned task of kitchen cleanup. Now does that make any sense?

I do "important" tasks (cleaning my room, exercising to lose weight) before I do "urgent" tasks (studying for tomorrow's test, feeding the dog).


WHY am I afraid of expectations?!

I have to get into the habit of STARTING and then FINISHING things. But they also have to be the RIGHT things, not just any things.

This is a list.

PRIORITIES - DO THIS FIRST.
1. pray
2. bible tea/h2o
3. bath/wash/be clean
4. studies
   ~ sit down, write a list of the things you need to get done that day.
   ~ create and order, and detail this list by answering the question: "What is the most relevant and efficient way a perfect or as-good-as-possible grade?"
  ~ follow the list, try your best to finish it, and make sure not to spend a ridiculous amount of time so there isn't time for other priorities.
5. sleep
6. exercise, lose weight, keep room and house clean.

Last essential note. It's the point at the crossroads where I sit doing nothing, walking nowhere, in the middle of a split, that I have to choose the path of a task or the path of an avoidance. I almost never have chosen the task path when I expect or wish it of myself, and often if I have, I come running back for the avoidance path, 90% of the time. Do I want to fix this ridiculous habit? Yes. But.

There is no trick to this. It's simply putting one foot forward in front of the other.That's all there is to it. It's not "making yourself do it" so much as it is just doing it. There's no "making" or "motivation" because if you think about it you're pushing yourself from outside forces. It's simply a do or do not thing. It isn't something you have to try to do, it's just a choice. That's what I've been missing this whole time. I thought I was missing something, but the truth is, I wasn't missing anything. It's inside me, my brain, my heart, my hands.

Revelation Review... Deja vu again!

I get really inspired when I haven't slept. Like, I can think - STRAIGHT - and it feels really good. It's like the entire day is weighing on me, and I can handle all of it, because I feel calm and ready to forget about it any second... like I don't care because as long as I get to go to sleep for sure, I can make it. But so often at ten pm at night, I think, I don't want to go to bed. But there isn't a solution to this problem besides just making yourself go to sleep. I just never want to until morning. Isn't that silly? It's just my messed up schedule, I think. I'll bet not very many people have this problem! Because I could control and fix it if I really wanted to. I think I'm just being selfish.

Anyway, I wrote down some good stuff in my Daynotes on my PC and I wanted to put it in here in case I lost it. It's really good. I want to follow these things and actually change these habits. I emphasize "actually" because often I make lists, but if I don't really put my whole heart into them while I'm writing it, AND if I don't go back and re-read it, I don't end up changing that habit. I've changed a few of my habits with list writing, so I won't give up yet. So here's the most important thing: I have to go back and re-read this list, so I have it on a shortcut on my desktop. We'll see! Read it, it's good, though it may not apply to you. :) Really, if you don't have "self-control" problems, you can't relate to me in this way, but if some of this applies to you, you should think about it because these changes can be good. But.. haha... what do I know?!

" because I can't keep perspective, and I can't depend (or won't let myself depend) on other people to help me fix my perspective, I have to FIND a way to do it myself. REMEMBER: feelings are AWESOME, but they don't dictate logic. Watch out, feelings are also very foolish. That's what I mean about maintaining perspective. I let my feelings wash me away like a river, and sometimes I realize too late that I should have walked upstream to swim down an entirely different river. Here's a possible plan:

have rules for myself that I KNOW, if I break them, I will probably lose control.

SCHEDULE STUFF - wholeheart to change
1. watch anime as much as I want, but get other things done first, that are on this list. In order to do that, I need to have a list that I write down what I have to get done each day.

2. Get the major things I need to get done, each day, first. That includes work, chores, meals, study, and spiritual communication hahaha, no really. COMMUNICATING WITH _GOD_.

If I write a list for each day, it will keep my tasks in perspective so I don't put it off till later and never get it done. I have to push myself in order to be successful, because I am foolish and I forget that my life now is just a dying thing.

3. Get the things on this list done BEFORE breaks, including everything. I have to learn how to survive a day, because once I get distracted, it's hard to pull back and I'm capable of holding out longer. When I  need a rest, take a PEACE break (some other way than with entertainment) then MOVE ON and get more done. I can be MORE efficient this way. Use imagination to keep myself happy and moving, as if someone else is pushing me, when really, it's just me!

4. When I do allow myself to watch anime, I have to keep a watch of the time, no matter what my excuse is for not being aware of it, it is TOO possible. So I need to be aware of all my scheduled important things, and stop my relaxation and remember that life is just as fun, but sometimes I forget because it's not ideal in the same way, so I need to grow a better imagination. Don't force myself, have FUN. Also, get ABSORBED in each task, one task! I only need imagination to START with, then I can let my feelings taking me away.

RULES-TO-NOT-BREAK STUFF - simple things to keep
1. when I eat, it should be something that mostly involves hands-on preparation and gathering, not microwaving, and preferably less packaging. At least 50% of all content should be something I cook or cut.

2. when I eat, I should study - READING - or nothing. only snacks and drinks are for TV and entertainment, and I should get used to doing less of that, too. keep a book upstairs that I read with food, and a book downstairs that I'm studying, too. That way I can study multiple things at once, like I always want, and I won't forget where I leave my books.

3. exercise daily. this is a variable thing in that it can be done in a lot of ways, so just do one of them, and make sure to get tired and loosened up. evening is better, and try to go to bed right after, but if not, make sure to calm down and have eaten before bedtime.

4. keep a bedtime, and stick to it with lights out and everything. Use calming methods and anticipate when they will be needed instead of realizing three hours later that I should have taken a sleeping pill or listened to music.

5. instead of watching two hours of anime, watch less and study japanese first. I just have to make myself do it, because if I don't do it daily I'll never learn all the kanji.

day looks like this, with details and check-mark signs beside...

(homework)(take time to be beautiful)(prayer)

class

work

chores

study

japanese

exercise

bedtime - pick one!
[T1]read this list and update. D-A-I-L-Y, PM esp. I get to order ピーチガール in 175!!!!!!! fourteen days later..."

Epiphanies All Day!

Today, ALL OF A SUDDEN, when I was talking to my mom... I realized some things. And I became suddenly motivated, like, I don't know why!

I cleaned house after two o'clock, like A LOT. Lately I have not been able to clean for more than thirty minutes at a time. I just get tired, distracted, bored, or depressed about the fact that I'm about to quit, and then I quit. Which of course sounds silly to you, I'm supposing, but really, these feelings are very real. I've just lost my motivation so much!

I woke up at 8:45 this morning, which was certainly a helpful part of all this.

But I did fight with my mom today. It was avoidable, but somehow I didn't make it.

But I'm seeing a counselor AGAIN. It really is good, though, and I'm happy about the development, as embarrassed as I am to need counseling. But I accept it! It will really help me, so it is a good thing.

1. I have to start spending more time with my family. Invite them places (movies for my mom, paint-balling for my little brother, things like that) participate in activities that they enjoy (play video-games with my brother instead of complaining that he's boring or should do something else), and spend more time around the house instead of my room. When I am around my family, I should avoid wearing headphones. I can work on cleaning house more, and decorating for holidays, then playing music and having snacks out while I'm decorating so that it's fun and people want to join me. I say this because I think my mom, brother, and I are becoming more and more drawn to video and computer games and television in our own rooms-- secluded-- and so our relationships are falling apart because we don't have anything to base them on. (My dad's always at work 'till late at night, and he can't do anything about that.)

2. I want to listen and watch more carefully for other people's emotions. Pay attention to how they're feeling and speak (or don't) according to that. Don't take things personally, either. Be "professional" like I am at work, but at the same time, DO share my own feelings when other people want to listen. Remember there are boundaries! I can't try and tell other people how they need to be, because they'll understand better if they figure out things for themselves.

3. Find a job, pick some studies/activities (praying, japanese, spanish, working out, practicing piano) to actually focus on daily, start going to church, and go to bed early so that I can get up early. CHOOSE to do these things.