New Strategy!

Every morning, I'm going to read some of the Bible until I've got some sort of amount of information. Okay? Okay.

And then, I'm going to blog for a while. Write about stuff. I need to try to find some sort of inspiration regularly. But I don't find inspiration or even succeed at things in the first place unless I'm pushed to do it. Since being pushed isn't always something life does for me specifically, as I am living in a situation that is easy and peaceful, I have to push myself.

I haven't found a way to push myself besides just doing it. So when I'm blogging, I have to try and address a problem specifically, and pretend (with some sort of story) that I am in distress and must find a solution to whatever problem I've chosen to write about that day (I have to include stuff I talk about in counseling). Anyway, even if the problem does not need to be solved immediately in my reality, eventually it WILL and I'd rather start early! It'll be like journaling, regularly, and fun because I get to pretend something!

Mom and Dad's advice

I'm always worrying about how my parents want to help me too much. But I need to look at it from a different angle! Even though they give me advice, they understand that I don't have to do what they're advising me-- they just want to say the right things to me that allow me to make my own decisions and keep from putting pressure on me. I don't have to worry and make it all complicated-- they love me and want me to be happy-- so it's actually pretty simple.

And it certainly wouldn't hurt for me to allow them to help me once in a while. If I never depend on anyone, it means that I have to do everything myself, and that makes everything so much harder that it all might be too much, eventually.

I'm going to counseling today and I thought I should write down some of what I might should talk about in the session. Mom and me were talking about this contract that we're making-- it's to get me to think of things with a bit of a deadline, because I haven't yet obtained a newer/better job. I need one, because I'm not using my time wisely and making money for school, which was supposed to be the point of taking time off from it.

At first, I thought I needed some time off, even if it was a lot, and that it was good for me. But now I guess I'm realizing that I've come to the point where that's not necessary anymore, and if I say it is, then I'm being too easy on myself. "Time off" for several months is too much-- it's not like somebody died. Anyway, it's not going to help me lose weight or do any other things that will help me gain confidence. Confidence comes from trying AGAIN and aiming to be successful, not from resting. Haha!

I'm writing this because while Mom and I were talking about the contract, she happened to show me an email from my counselor to her (now I realize I should have said earlier, "Hey that's private, I'm not going to read that" but it didn't matter because I learned something good. It was obvious, but good.

My counselor wrote something like, "Sara's biggest problem is that she procrastinates." And then something else about me having "since June 22 to obtain full-time employment" and "...six months".

Well, it's true. That's a long time. I'm being silly. Time to fix things! I feel stupid! Urrrrg. :...[

So it's true, though. It's not like I didn't know I procrastinate, but I just... don't accept it as reality and deal with it like it's reality. I want to fix this way that I think, because it's somewhat dysfunctional. I would like to apologize for being weird, but then I remember that everybody has weirdness and I just happen to be writing about and trying to fix my weirdness, and that's nothing but good.

I'm going to try and go about it the right way. Here are my goals that I've re-done, coming from a perspective that these are my daily activities, which I should do often, all the time, and A LOT!

Things I do.

work (accompany wkends, CNA wkdays)

homework (1-2 classes)

clean house productively, sparklingly.

exercise (dance, regular, run) a lot

[studies: as needed and as possible] - Japanese and Spanish.

PLUS: Bible, Piano. (DAILY as possible)

So, like, kind of my goals to pursue and become used to incorporating into my life. Like, if I'm bored or don't know what to do next, I should be doing these things instead, or I go do them.

Important things to change my habits about: learn self control, to do the things that I don't always want to do, and stop procrastinating.

I'm going to write this down and take it when I go in to counseling!

I need to be working a lot. Like, all the time, a lot. If i can't find enough work where i'm at, i am going to go look somewhere else. I need to cherish more the time i'm not working, and use it extra carefully for my PRIORITIES. And I need to go the extra THOUSAND miles in order to lose weight. I still haven't taken ANY of this seriously yet.

Crunches2!

I'm eating one of those baby oranges. The aroma reminds me of Christmas tress and my mother, who adores oranges and orange candy. When I'm working at Viaetassi Palace (actually a nursing home) strange things bother me. Like, what are the elderly living in places like this supposed to feel happy about? I mean, what is the point of living? Many of them are in pain or don't often get visitors. Most can't get out of bed, and those that can are the ones who will never leave the facility. It's wake up, get dressed in ugly clothes, eat yucky food, socialize with barely anyone (unless you count the schizophrenics who may or may not be actually talking to you) then take a nap. And that's just breakfast. The cycle repeats itself three times a day, and that doesn't count the long period of night-darkness you have to get through. If you thought of this as more of a temporary setting, it wouldn't be so depressing, but that's not often the case. I wish I could help the bored ones somehow, maybe introduce new hobbies or something so they'd have fun things to do, but I can see why that might be expecting too much. Older people don't necessarily WANT to change like that. THey are more likely wishing for their old lives back (if they're able to think that clearly). They used to have families to care for, houses to clean, careers in business and commerce, health, teaching, traveling, and foreign languages... and people they loved, some of who are gone now. (Not to mention that they're physically incapable of many everyday activities and often are in enough pain that they need pain pills like vicadin and hydrocodone, plus needing a pharmacy of other pills to solve various health problems.)

Part of it might be that for them, adapting to life in a nursing home or hospital is like admitting defeat or submission. That, and it's altogether depressing anyway. Do you feel depressed yet? :)

Sorry.

It's true stuff, either way.

I have to make sure and do crunches when I get home!!! Yay stronger singing voice.

Is my posting working? That text may have been too big.... Hmmmf

Viaetassi

Taking a shower is just like going to bed. Eventually, you have to get out of the shower. So also, eventually, you have to sleep.

Haha. For some reason, I loathe going to sleep and waking up! AND going to work! And just starting things I don't like, I suppose!

But NO! This is where I should be thinking... "I must accept my fate." 

I can ALSO use my  i m a g i n a t i o n . . .  like, instead of me going to work by car, it's me-- going to work on a train to Viaetassi, through the blue physi-barrier that separates dimension Z232 from the mainland, A5. (In the early hours of the morning, sadly enough.) When I arrive at the palace of Viaetassi, I take the elevator in the center wing to the high court's private quarters, which are located in the upper stories of the tower. My job as a lady-in-waiting is to provide service, care, and to otherwise wait on the elderly duchesses and royal ladies of Viaetassi's high court. I love it! Of course, I get tired more than not, but it's probably just because I'm just not used to this job as a "regular" thing. But I'm good at my job, and I'm on-time and sparklingly helpful and delightful at all times. Energy, energy, energy! I will be doing my best every day!

Past and Future

My blog needs to be the place where I record my every important thought, right when I think it (if not, I will forget). That way, my blog will be like a reflection of my life-- a TRUE diary! Since I've recently discovered that I can send posts by text, my posts will now arrive when I'm away from home! Soooo great. :) :) :O

I am reading and editing my old posts and I am impressed with my changes that I've made over time. I started my blog when I was still in school, so... it actually marks a really monumental time in my life... when I was being fantastically stupid. I shouldn't put myself down, but I'm trying to describe how irritated I am at my attitude of that time. :) I was really in denial about my school failure. (I'm having a hard time writing these sentences because I still want to deny these things!) I had gotten to a point where I was completely getting F's and not going to school at all, and still allowing everyone around me, including myself, to think that I would be able to fix things. But it really was past "too late" and effectively, I was lying to myself and whoever I spoke to about school. If my parents hadn't ordered me home, I would have continued that until the school had kicked me out! I suppose it could have worked out in the end, but coming home was also a good solution-- better, in fact-- because I am now able to try and solve this problem with my family communication problems. Even if I had been able to pick myself up at school and start living on my own, I wouldn't have solved the problem with me and my mom always fighting. Now, I think I can figure that out because I'm here with the problem right in my face, a counselor to guide me, and the desire to fix things.

Soon, I'm going to go back to school, starting with just one class. I'm going to work toward getting a music degree... something I should have done a long time ago, but I couldn't, because I didn't realize it was what I should do. :)

So I'm going to get a music degree. It's not a huge deal what kind-- yet-- and I'm not decided yet. But eventually I will decide on something music related, after I've taken some theory. I'll learn Japanese on the side, because I love it. Hopefully I will get a good job that can tide me over without making school impossible. I will get good grades because I will be trying my best and believing in myself, so I know I can do it and I have a imaginary path to follow. Then I will try to go to Japan. I can try the JET program, or just go as a missionary with my church, maybe even that first and then JET. (They might more likely accept me if I have more experience.) Now, this part is harder to imagine-- I would like to get further education in music at a Japanese university-- probably in composing, but I really don't know at this point. :) If I had more of a dream set up for myself, it would help, but I don't have to know that yet. Most importantly, I can remind myself all I have to do is make music (whether it's playing, writing, or singing) and I will be happy. I don't have to worry that my dream isn't complicated and specific. Simple is good. I forget that a lot.

PS. If my "music" path changes towards languages, or even something else, that's okay too. I don't think that is quite as likely, but I have admit that all I'm doing right now is planning. It's not like I can SEE the future.

Climax!

Daddy came into my room and told me I have to move out.

I am so immature. When I move out, I know I'm going to be a bit of a mess. I'm going to have trouble and be afraid and make mistakes. But I know I can do it okay, in the end.

The problem is, I need more time. I wish so much my parents would try a little harder to bear with me somehow, but somehow I get into arguments with my mom and my dad thinks the solution is for me to move out. On the outside, it makes perfect sense.

I don't want to criticize my mom, and I can't change her. I know I'm doing some things wrong, but I don't think that quitting the whole situation and my walking away would ultimately solve the problem. It's only a temporary fix, and for the rest of our lives, we're going to have these little things that get in the way of us loving each other. How is that okay?

I DON'T think it's okay because I think we CAN solve this problem. Sure, it would take forever and ever, and a lot of work, and a lot more tears, and a few more arguments, but I think we just need to get our communication tactics down a little better. That's all it is! I'm tired of this being all my fault!!! How does that make any sense??! I'm not a bad person. I don't WANT to hurt my mom's feelings. If it was all my fault, I wouldn't be acting this way. Instead, I'm just sad! I don't know what to do.

YES. I'm idealistic. But I don't think I'm being TOO idealistic. I think I don't want to give up. But it's hard for my mom to see it that way. I don't really know what she's thinking, but I wish it didn't have to go like this.

I wish I hadn't have said things that I said. I'm just not careful enough with my temper, and I'm snappy and disrespectful. But now, I'm just really sad and I can't fix anything.

I went and hid under my bed a few minutes ago. It only made me feel a little better. Mostly I felt stupid, haha.

This makes me want to move really far away, and not talk to them for two years straight. But how would that help? That's just my anger talking. It would be going against my I-want-to-fix-this-NOT-run-away attitude. *SIGH!!*

Hope?

Who do I think I am? What do I feel like might be in my future-- what can I be? Who? Listen to my soul, to God, to my heart.

I've been thinking wrong for a while. I can't become a newer, better, changing person if I hold myself back with sad thoughts. I have to think of the good things coming, and the good things I can be someday-- and BELIEVE THAT I CAN BE THAT WAY. If I believe it, I can.

;) That's called hope!!

Situps and singing!??

Hey. Is it TRUE that doing situps helps a person sing better???!!!!

I AM GOING TO BE DOING SO MANY SITUPS!!!!! Or crunches. Anything with abs or core body stuff, especially lungs. Aghghgh!

Tomorrow I want to have a good day.

Self Control for Me! Plus a lot of quotes.

Flabbergasted, adj.  Appalled over how much weight you have gained.  ~Author Unknown
I have terrible self control problems. I don't deny myself anything, really. That can be good, but since I don't know what's good and what's not good for me, I don't always WANT the right things, so I go back and forth. Always-- back and forth between healthy and junk food, anime-binging and studying, exercising and laying around, staying up and going to bed-- it's making me such a mess. If I could just get myself in control a little better, all these problems would be so much smaller.

I found something on the internet that talks about getting self-control fixed up. I'm modifying it for myself and making a list.

1. What areas in my life are suffering and which are prospering? Do I push myself to try too hard without taking breaks for real? The whole time I take a break, I feel guilty? It's time to start sacrificing: work before play this time, and try mainly taking short breaks in evenings and longer breaks on weekends, or at least more in the evenings, so that I can be more accomplished and have sort-of guidelines about when I relax -- work before play.

2. Take time to get informed about the areas I don't have control over. For me, those are 1) connection to God, 2) studies, practice, and learning diligence, 3) exercise, 4) diet, and 5) listening to and communication with others. Not only should I be working on these things, but I should learn HOW to do better in these areas. It's no wonder I become daunted by gaining control over these goals-- they're too high when I don't know how to approach them.

ooookay, now the article is going on about denying myself things. Puh-leeeeze. I KNOW that. That's what self-control is. I don't know how to GET SELF CONTROL. Therefore I don't know HOW to deny myself things. That is THE PROBLEM. Aaaarrrg. Okay, there are some tips...

When it says self denial, it means that-- as a HABIT-- you have to make yourself into a person who... kind of... doesn't need stuff. You give things away, and make yourself do things you don't want to. As a habit. Like... all the time.

4. Become simple-- don't ask for things, give things away, don't buy things you don't need-- REALLY. Don't see this as "denial" but living necessarily. I don't have enough money for everything I want, anyway. I don't want to be the sort of person who denies herself things. I want to be the sort of person who doesn't want them in the first place. I could get used to that. But first, I have to actually deny myself stuff, until it's habit.

I thought of doing that, a while ago, but I gave it up as a rock-solid idea. It might really help me, though, and not just in the financial department. It is pretty selfish, though, in the ultimate sense, because I'm doing it for myself. :) I really don't like the idea right now.... I hate it....

5. Deliberately challenge myself with the things I'm addicted to. TV: turn on the TV for two hours and star at something in the room for two hours. Food: get a yummy piece of food on a plate and leave it there but don't eat it, drink water instead.

hmmm. I'm not sure that will work. The TV one is one of the tips. It would be okay. But with food? Denying myself food has always made me get fatter in the end. I don't know what to do....

Quotes I like that will help me: (from The Quote Garden - specifically "about dieting" and "Self Control")

Self-respect is the root of discipline:  The sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself.  ~Abraham Joshua Heschel, The Insecurity of Freedom: Essays on Human Existence, 1967


Not being able to govern events, I govern myself, and apply myself to them, if they will not apply themselves to me.  ~Michel de Montaigne, Essays, 1588


You must admit you have self-control before you can use it.  ~Carrie Latet


Do you really think it is weakness that yields to temptation?  I tell you that there are terrible temptations which it requires strength, strength and courage to yield to.  ~Oscar Wilde


It's all right letting yourself go, as long as you can get yourself back.  ~Mick Jagger 


A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means.  This is an obvious lie.  Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is....  A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later.  That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness.  They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in.  ~C.S. Lewis


The one way to get thin is to re-establish a purpose in life.  ~Cyril Connolly, The Unquiet Grave  


The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.  ~Author Unknown


If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution.  ~Author Unknown


Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.  ~Author Unknown


No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat.  Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office.  ~George Bernard Shaw


I have gained and lost the same ten pounds so many times over and over again my cellulite must have déjà vu.  ~Jane Wagner


I think I just ate my willpower.  ~Author Unknown


If you really want to be depressed, weigh yourself in grams.  ~Jason Love  


I have a great diet.  You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.  ~Ed Bluestone


History is apt to judge harshly those who sacrifice tomorrow for today.  ~Harold MacMillan


The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.  ~Dave Barry


If you have formed the habit of checking on every new diet that comes along, you will find that, mercifully, they all blur together, leaving you with only one definite piece of information:  french-fried potatoes are out.  ~Jean Kerr


If you wish to grow thinner, diminish your dinner.  ~H.S. Leigh


Probably nothing in the world arouses more false hopes than the first four hours of a diet.  ~Dan Bennett


Don't go out of your weigh to please anyone but yourself.  ~Author Unknown


Movement is a medicine for creating change in a person's physical, emotional, and mental states.  ~Carol Welch


I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.  ~Marsha Doble


Much good work is lost for the lack of a little more.  ~Edward H. Harriman


The one thing that matters is the effort.  It continues, whereas the end to be attained is but an illusion of the climber, as he fares on and on from crest to crest; and once the goal is reached it has no meaning.  ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Wisdom of the Sands, translated from French by Stuart Gilbert


I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it.  ~Thomas Jefferson


Character is what emerges from all the little things you were too busy to do yesterday, but did anyway.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966


I've got a theory that if you give 100 percent all of the time, somehow things will work out in the end.  ~Larry Bird 


No one understands that you have given everything.  You must give more.  ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin


He who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance; one cannot fly into flying.  ~Friedrich Nietzsche

When I was young, I observed that nine out of ten things I did were failures.  So I did ten times more work.  ~George Bernard Shaw


There's nothing like biting off more than you can chew, and then chewing anyway.  ~Mark Burnett 


Though the barriers of life seem formidable, we find when we challenge them that they have no will.  ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com

One saves oneself much pain, by taking pains; much trouble, by taking trouble.  ~Augustus William Hare and Julius Charles Hare, Guesses at Truth, by Two Brothers, 1827
 
The winds and waves are always on the side of the ablest navigators.  ~Edward Gibbon, The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire

Most of us can easily do two things at once; what's all but impossible is to do one thing at once.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

If a man is called a streetsweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry.  He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and Earth will pause to say, Here lived a great streetsweeper who did his job well.  ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

For us, there is only the trying.  The rest is not our business.  ~T.S. Eliot

There are no easy methods of learning difficult things; the method is to close your door, give out that you are not at home, and work.  ~Joseph de Maistre

Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still.  ~Chinese Proverb

To go beyond is as wrong as to fall short.  ~Confucius, Analects

Don't be afraid to give your best to what seemingly are small jobs.  Every time you conquer one it makes you that much stronger.  If you do the little jobs well, the big ones will tend to take care of themselves.  ~Dale Carnegie

Nobody trips over mountains.  It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble.  Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have crossed the mountain.  ~Author Unknown


Put your heart, mind, intellect and soul even to your smallest acts.  This is the secret of success.  ~Swami Sivananda

When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.  ~Franklin D. Roosevelt

Fall seven times, stand up eight.  ~Japanese Proverb

If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again.  ~Flavia Weedn, Flavia and the Dream Maker, © Flavia.com

The race is not always to the swift, but to those who keep on running.  ~Author unknown, in reference to Ecclesiastes 9:11, "I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all."

It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer.  ~Albert Einstein

People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are.  I don't believe in circumstances.  The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them.  ~G.B. Shaw, Mrs. Warren's Profession, 1893

There is no telling how many miles you will have to run while chasing a dream.  ~Author Unknown


Don't be discouraged.  It's often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock.  ~Author Unknown

The great majority of men are bundles of beginnings.  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

One may go a long way after one is tired.  ~French Proverb

Vitality shows in not only the ability to persist but the ability to start over.  ~F. Scott Fitzgerald


As a means to success, determination has this advantage over talent - that it does not have to be recognized by others.  ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com 


When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum.  ~Author Unknown


Difficult things take a long time, impossible things a little longer.  ~André A. Jackson


Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it.  The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use.  ~Earl Nightingale 


Oh, that's such a wonderful site. Yay,  The Quote Garden !

Boring Update

This is just a boring blog entry, because nothing new has happened and I am not doing anything different or interesting.

I guess I'm a little down, because I am working toward fixing my life but it happens so slooowwwly.... :)

I woke up around five this morning for work. After some confusion between me and the nurse-person on the phone, I went to work. It was hard though, because I had to jump my car. I'd left the lights on.... :) (My mom and I were yelling at each other and trying to get the car to move backwards so the cables could reach and I was upset because I was so late, so my tears were leaking out of my eyes and then we were yelling more... it was a mess!)

Pervert guy: There is a guy at work who is rude and makes weird, vulgar, sexual remarks or likes to talk about IT all the time. Not all the time. But he's just one of those guys with IT on his mind. I have a hard time with it because when it comes up, I forget to tell him to shut up. I'm not good with that, because I'm neither aggressive nor defensive. I just pretend he doesn't say anything, or say something contradictory, but I don't actually look at his face and say, "quit talking about that." I doubt he treats the other females in the workplace like this, or they wouldn't speak to him and would call him a creep behind his back. But they don't. So I need to tell him to stop it so he doesn't think my silence is an admission-- I just forget in the moment.

It's so annoying. Initially after the fact, I want to yell at him, "What is your problem? Shut the hell up! Do you think I'm the sort of person who wants to talk about stuff like this?" And then I say to myself... no, I can't say mean things back to him, or I'm being rude just like I don't want him to be to me. So I have to tell him politely. He is the kind of guy who will listen, I just haven't done a good job in speaking up so far.

For sheltered, innocent little 'ol me, it's educational... I guess... I have never met anyone in real life who's such a pervert (except in this, like, passive, secretive way!) until this guy. Oh well, he says he's trying to change... but that's going to require quite an overhaul! *Sigh*

Job search: Tomorrow I am hoping I can have the courage to go and look for a better job. I need one that is full time, and I could work at the hospital, doing something... anything.... Apparently there are some openings right this minute, so it's very important that I go ASAP and not later. I really want to do it.

Haha... I just don't trust myself.... But I realized today, I've lost so much confidence, when really, it's not necessary for me to feel bad about myself at all.... I really CAN do this.

I want to learn Japanese and go and live there for a bit. Why not? I can go through a mission program with my SDA school/university first, so it won't be such a scary experience-- I'll have people around me who understand my way of living, while I still get to experience using the language. Then I can try out for the JET program, or perhaps working as a music teacher. So right now I need to finish that degree. :) Oh, and get that job on the side. Yay!

Mom ended up buying those boxes of cereal for me. She's so sweet! The tape recorder idea... I still like it. But I have a tape recorder here at home. I'm going to practice speaking into that until I am used to playing with it. It's not digital, so... sadly... I can't actually use what I make or anything...

I need to start working on creating a music and voice studio for myself. This would include:
***a real piano
***a keyboard piano that I can connect to a computer
***a program that I can write music with-- probably something simple (I should research it) since I won't be needing Finale or Sibelius or anything like that (if you don't know what those are, they are the most state of the art software I know about that compose music, but there are so many features that you barely have to be creative at all. :) I think it's too useful and I'm not professional enough to need to pay 300-500 dollars for something like that haha!)
***a digital tape recorder that is good with music and voice, or if not both, then two recorders for those specific purposes
***a notebook for writing down chords and melodies and pieces
***develop my own version of composing shorthand!
***maybe also look into getting video-creating software stuff, or fiddling with whatever it is I have now

this is all speculation. I'm not actually going to do any of this now, except maybe some of the things. Right now, I need to just work on piano practice, especially sightreading, and my theory studies. If I do those things I will be more prepared than I would be by doing anything else.

$$$ This month

Let's see if I can NOT spend ANY MORE money this month.

So far, I've paid my last bill, bought fish filters at Petsmart ($14) and spent $27 on... something... at Walmart, I caaan't remember. :) That was all before November, even though some of it is registered for later. So my bill is a few cents more than $41. I also went to Walmart on Friday and bought a new kind of face wash for $6. So my bill should be about $47 or less.

If I can stay UNDER $47 range this month, that would be really great. I wouldn't have spent anything. I could even try to do that next month, too. I have enough toiletries for a while, and I might not need to purchase any more for at least two months. I'll start with this month. Here goes. Ah. Problem. I just remembered I am planning on buying some cereal that I stole from Teddy's friend who's staying with us, and also maybe a tape recorder. Ummmm... you can see why I always have this problem. Okay... ITEMS that I will only purchase this month:

tape recorder, two boxes of cereal

I do have to give my mom a check and get her to give me a twenty back that she stole from me, but that check won't be out of my credit card so it doesn't apply to this no-spend-in-november plan. I buy everything with my credit card and pay it off at the end of the month. :0 Can you see why credit cards seem completely dumb to me? I should get a card that has better rewards, at least, so that some benefit comes from using it, except not having to carry cash. But I want to buy something with my rewards I have already. Also, it's probably good to stay with one card for a while, right? I might have had it for a few years now.

Inspiration! *written at work*

When I get home...

*work towards my goals by doing activities daily - ones that I've planned in anticipation that they are actulaly accomplishable. (i.e. not to much planning so far that I can't actually get it all done)

* these probably should be:
 brush and floss
X - exercising
D - cooking meals
B - scheduling, blogging, and Bibling haha
C - complexion - care after workouts (mask, steam) & during <3
water
veggies - colorful - esp. green
x
don't touch
*P - iano (if time)

and most importantly, WORKING and JOBSEARCHING

looks like this:
| toothbrush drawing | X | D | B | C | *P | working/jobsearch |

cool right? yeah right. Well, I'm still going to try it, no matter how many times I have to!

While Playing DDR I Wrote This....

When I have an ultimate goal of something, especially based on other people) I do much better, often accomplishing that goal, because I know I "have" to. Thinking "I HAVE TO" is only a good phrase if you come up with a REASON, not just "I have to". So make reasons for have-to's. I don't do this withfree-schedules, but I could, if I made a better goal. If I don't reach it, it needed to be more reachable, since I'm capable of anything. (Unless something else major is going on that's stopping me.)

Make rules (like list-making or scheduling) in ORDER to break them. Rules create the structure so you know WHERE the weakest parts are-- so you can fix those weak areas-- and use efficiency to proceed with tasks and reach the best efficiency balanced with happiness and peace in life.

Anxious at Work!

I saw my counselor on Tuesday. (Stupid spell check! Why on earth do weekdays need to be capitalized???) Talking about my issues (haha) made me realize something I've remembered before: I have "anxiety".

But today at work, (I'm a nursing assistant) it really affected me. As I got more and more behind with my tasks, I got more and more anxious, to the point where I couldn't think straight, or really, at all. I can't use the excuse that I'm new anymore, as good as it is. It's not exactly an excuse I can use now. I really do have anxiety. Not ADD! Anxiety!

So even though I'm not planning on taking pills for this (I might try them, I just don't like the idea) I really do need to find normal ways to counter anxiety like that. It's silly, and it seems easy to get away from when I talk about it, but it is very hard, in fact.

It's like everything is pressing in at once-- I lose my thoughts as soon as I think them, I do things too quickly, dropping pens and gloves, tripping over furniture and laundry, rushing the patients, and being unable to decide on which task to start first. When I do start a task, I can't stick with it because I suddenly come up with the weird idea that I should start another task first, just because. So I'll try to do both at once and take even longer to finish.

Haha... um... this sounds-- metaphorically-- like the way I deal with my life.

Okay. This is something I have to look into.

PROBLEM - I get anxious, slow, and erroneous

RESULT - I'm disorganized, late, a klutz, irresponsible

WAY TO DEAL
1. face my anxiety - say "I'm anxious" or "I'm freaking out" or "I'm worried" etc
2. think of all the tasks in your head, then pick the one you need to do first, then focus ONLY on that (if possible) till you finish.

Okie-dokie. Face it, think of everything, pick the important-est one, and focus on one thing at a time.