On Track

It's coming to the end of the quarter here at school and I have not failed anything. But... I should be LESS excited about THAT, and more excited that I am going to get grades above a C!

[In two classes.]

That is very good for me. I am going at it step by step this time, and...

 ...whenever I feel like saying, "ooh-- now THAT looks like a challenge! Meh! I can do it. Sign me up--"...

I don't!

Because even if you're brave, and strong, and if you liken it to video game terms you've got a HUGE HP, well, pooh tooh ee. Nobody is invincible-- at least, I am from the normal world and am pretty much talking to normal people (....haha, uh, right?...) Don't be irrational about the stuff you take on. There have been times that I do that.

And it's not like I went at such a task with lots of motivation and energy-- or if I did, I didn't keep it up-- no. I went, "YES, I CAN!" and then did nothing.

So, yes. Small steps are the way to go, for me, right now.

My counselor brought up a fascinating word to me yesterday-- a very relevant word to how things sometimes go for me. Or I should say, the way I end up making my decisions.

(The way I say that hints at the apathy I have towards making decisions and taking action-- I word it like it's not under my control, and sometimes it legitimately does feel like I can't control my self.)

The word is A.... just a second.

Avolition. Okay. So Volition is like, of your own will. You do it because it springs from your chest and you choose to follow that, whatever it be, an action, choice, or feeling, I suppose.

Darn it, that's not a word. Um, I guess I mean "abolition". I feel that it should be the same as what I just defined it as, but it could be wishful thinking, so, just a second again, I will go check. Whoa. Also totally wrong. Abolition's like, totally abolishing something. Doing away with it. It's not even a feeling. SIGH~

'Kay, I had it right the first time. Sorry. It means, literally, "poverty of will", and not only can be a symptom of depression (I knew that) but can be also symptomatic of schizophrenia. (I did not *freaks out* know that.) And there's another one, abulia, poverty of motivation.

So the first one (avolition) is where you can't wish or have a desire to rise up and do something (you end up doing nothing, just sitting for a while) and the second one (abulia) is where there is some reason that you aren't motivated or pushed by anything-- you aren't drawn forward into the future, and being successful-- you have no reason for things. I have trouble differenciating the two, but it sounds like abulia is more external, stuff you can't control. It also affects the ability to make decisions and set goals.

*I just remembered-- I reaaally hope my internet works. Argh. It was down last night.*

*I am addicted to PAD / puzzle and dragons, American version, as well as anime, particularly One Piece (ep. 208) right now, but I entertain myself with many different animes, like Parasyte, and I just watched Golden Time, and I also think Yona of the Dawn is fantastic and well done! Ah, this list could go on for a while.*

Ahhh!! Also, my Dad got hit by a car today! (I know I'm getting distracted from the topic, but... but...) He is okay, just fine, really, but still, he did get hit, and bruised, I'm sure (they live a couple thousand miles from me) and his watch broke, too! (How did that happen? Maybe his arm flung one way or the other.)

I'm going back to my mom's text to check on the details....

ARGH! The driver left the scene. Also, he has a black eye! My poor daddy! And we're talking about an old fogie, here, he's like, sixty now. Or fifty-nine. Lemme look that up, too.

Haha. Just kidding, and sorry, Daddy. I do believe he's 57.

ANNNYYYway. Back to what I was saying about avolition and abulia-- those are things I do sometimes! I'm learning ways to get around them, though, because they are caused by something very specific, so the more I can identify how I feel, when I feel it, and what caused it, then I can backtrack and take my mind back around to the place before I felt lifeless and actionless, goal-less and decisionless.

Here's my situation, for an example of what this is like.

I get assigned homework. This is normal, I know.

And people all over the world know how to deal with this phenomena-- do the homework. Get it done. Sometime, get it done. (Although many of us procrastinate, that's also normal.)

But, like, this feeling I have, sometimes, is waaay too extreme for procrastination. I'm telling you, okay, I've been to college for three years and I couldn't finish there-- had to LEAVE-- because my grades were just not okay. They were F's. F's, and B's, and A's, and D's. It was a big mix of "I can do this" and "I am totally going to die academically" and "I will just get everything done in these last two weeks"

And... it didn't work. (also an example of trying to take on challenges that were too big.)

But that kind of procrastination-- not going to class, sleeping instead, watching anime instead, doing nothing instead, promising myself over and over that I would change and renew and fix it, and breaking my promise regularly-- that kind of procrastination is no longer measurable on the procrastination scale-- it has metamorphosed into avolition.

So back on track-- homework is assigned.

But why am I going to school? See, I am not a lazy person. My actions look lazy, but it's entirely different. I clean house with a vigor and a polishing rag like a person who is germaphobic. I organize books and papers with tabs and color-coding. I love to write, and type fast, and practice hours and hours of piano at a time. I go the extra mile for other people, and I run home instead of walking just because I want to get there faster.

No, I am very motivated.........

.. Sometimes.

I am in SCHOOL because I WANT to beCOME somebody.

I change my mind every once in a while, but I've come to the conclusion that I need to find something I ENJOY and become AMaZiNg at it.

This has really never changed about me. So why did I stop going to class? Why was I hiding, and avoiding, and sitting stagnantly in the midst of a rushing river of academia, just swirling around me, ready to take me somewhere wonderful?

I guess it was avolition. I mean, that's a way to label it. But what caused it?

Here it is-- I've seriously got this figured out. For myself, at least. Maybe not for you. :-\

1. You don't have to do all of it at once. In fact, you can lie, or tell the truth, but say this! to yourself: "Don't do it all right now. Just do a little bit-- right now. But---do NOT do all of it."

    (Reason for this strategy: I have trouble starting. The energy required to start may be small, but I can see the whole process, all at once, and I know how much work that means-- or at least, my pessimistic view of how much work it will be, scares me. It scares me so much, I pretend it doesn't exist, and get surprised every time I remember. Not to mention a stomach ache.)

2. In order to not procrastinate, do things right when you think of them, or when the need arises.
for example, fold laundry upon taking it out of the dryer. Just do it. (Nike). If you don't, it's not the end of the world, but it will be the end of your folded laundry. Hold yourself accountable and just do it-- you have to do it sometime.

    2a. In another example, do homework after class, if you have a free period. That one you may have heard from teachers. Well, I don't know if these things work for everybody, because I am unique, and my mind works in an Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) kind of way, so that makes me on a different track that you may or may not be on.

Anyway, I have run out of time to keep typing, and I feel like I said something I wanted to say, so, thank you for reading.

You are fantastic, and you need to believe in yourself and give your inner self a hug, and remember that you haven't gotten to the future, yet. So don't write anything off.

Just do your best-- and remember you will never know what your best is, because it can always get better!

This is a battle. Anxiety! And some text artsy stuff.

I was thinking about... forced pressure, real and unalterable pressure, the difference between my anxiety between the two and the reason for that being that I believe I can change or refuse one of them. I'd like to get used to dealing with any pressure.

The best way to do that is to think　about the situation from an observant perspective! Even more, a LOGICAL perspective. I must stand back and act like a queen at war. This isn't about worrying-- this is about how the little details make up the big details, which determine lives lost and saved, and determines the fate of the battle, and the fate of 戦争 (war).

There is the kind of worrying that I do because I'm anxious. I'm so anxious that my worry builds up and it is very time consuming, really pretty distracting and absorbing, so to avoid it I stop worrying.

Ha. Well, not worrying is good. But IGNORING your problems is bad. And when I "stop worrying" in order to quit feeling anxious, I give up on even thinking about my problems.

It's a useful skill when there's nothing you can do. In fact, it can really hurt, like my dad, for instance, when you have a problem that is you can't fix, or that you have to wait to fix, or that must fix itself, and you can't stop worrying about it. I mean seriously... that's where grey hair comes from.

Okay, I know it's the lack of melanin or hair color, I read that last week. Anyway :)

So I need to think:

Worrying = bad.

Forgetting or avoiding = bad.

therefore ignoring and procrastination also not recommended.

Analyzing like a logical leader of some kind = good.

Analyzing like a logical princess = good.

Use the royalty comparison if you need to feel confident :)

On my computer I refer to myself as 「姫」　「姫様」 and the like

OKAY!!! ONE MORE THING I almost forgot ^^ I'm so excited.

K, so I made this huge list of emoticon kinds of things. I hope you can see this, but if you can't see weird characters or Japanese on your computer it might not work. Anyway, look at this, can you tell who or what it resembles?
〜〰[ ‹⊚´]
__ミΘ`̪´Θミ

〜(‹⊚´)
ﾐΘ` ̠´Θﾐ


k well, it's not too obvious... this is naruto in sage mode, with the frog eyes, and the squigle is his head-band (?) with the tie blowing in the wind. I tried to recreate the leaf symbol... hahaha... anyway, go ahead and use it if you want! it's so dumb, I know.

If you have Japanese fonts on you computer, it's likely you have a lot of symbols available in "Character Map" which is a program available in you computer's accessories or something. On windows, that is. I don't know what you'll find if you have other fonts instead.

Well, I may as well show you the others! :) Be careful. Sometimes these symbols are meant as strange things that don't actually function as text, but change paragraphs around or go underneath other words. Sometimes I accidentally make all the words type backwards. It's very weird.

ﾐ▴˛˛▴ﾐ

☉☉

◞. .◟

◞._.◟ ⊣␣⊢ >␣< c_c ¬_¬ ¬̻¬ º̯º º ̯ º ¬ ̠¬ 〜〰[ ‹⊚´] ミΘ`̪´Θミ ﾐ▴˛˛▴ﾐ ☉☉ ◞. .◟ ◞._.◟ ⊣␣⊢ >␣< c_c ¬̻¬ º̯º º ̯ º ¬ ̠¬ ^̺^ ͡ ̺ ͡ ┏_┏ ﾐΘ` ̠´Θﾐ ミΘ ̯ Θミ ΞﾐΘ_ΘﾐΞ ﾐ▴˛˛▴ﾐ ﾐ ミ ☉ ☉ ◞. .◟ ◞._.◟ ⊣␣⊢ >␣< c_c 　̽̽ ̽　　　

¬_¬ 　 ¬̻ ¬ º̯º º ̯ º


¬ ̠¬ ¬_¬ ¬_¬ ¬ ̠¬


^̺^ ͡ ͡ ͡ ̺ ͡

Guilt. Food. Anime.

I realized something earlier today.

It has to do with the fact that I've been losing weight lately. I believe that my new method is contributing to this fact. I'll tell you my method, but seriously-- this only works if you are the type of person who feels guilty when she eats something that could "make her fat".

I feel guilty a lot. In fact, I think guilt might be one of the most natural things that stir my emotions. But it doesn't necessarily make me feel MOTIVATED. It makes me feel kinda lousy. And when I feel lousy, or depressed, I eat chocolate or watch too much anime. That means I am not studying, exercising, going to work, or spending time with humans.

So I'm living here at home. My family knows I like anime, and I have in the past spent too much time on it. So even though it's something I love a lot, and I've decided to enjoy it even if other people look down on me, but I'm not successful at taking their criticism in a useful way. Everyday, they talk to me about this or that issue that I have. They give advice. My dad wakes me up in the morning, his face white and his voice angry, telling me what I need to do that day. If I'm relaxing it's best to do it somewhere hidden because it's hard to relax when people are talking to you about touchy subjects. I just can't get out of this atmosphere, mentally, and it's tough to stay sane.

So yeah, they're right that this isn't good, I admit it. Because I like life too. I love music and making money and getting educated and dancing and having friends to hang out with. But I can't be that kind of person if I feel guilty about everything "bad" that I do. 

I need to make decisions before I take an action. I will say, "hey, I'm going to do this now" and NOT feel guilty about it. I won't simply eat ice cream or watch anime out of habit-- I'll make the decision to take the time or calories. If I don't want to do it because it's not good for me, or because it's not the time, then I'll make the decision NOT to do this thing. But either way, I will do my best to smash any poisonous, irrational guilt with my sledgehammer until it is as flat as a snake on highway blacktop.

That's kinda how I'm losing weight, too-- while gentle-stretching and heart-pumping exercise is deathly important, it's very essential that I keep in mind at all times not to feel guilty when I splurge on a little something here or there. Because I allow myself to eat literally any food or snack that I want to, (unless I'm full) I am mostly able to eat healthy. I can splurge any time I want. I have self-control BECAUSE I'm not on a diet, I'm free! My decisions are up to me regarding sweets and meals, so I feel free to make good decisions, and it's EASY.

So because it's easy, I don't even have to think about it too hard, and I'm no longer focused on food. In the past, I would worry about my "diet" so that I felt like I needed to "fix" something, which led to me eating. I felt like eating something would help my diet.

I was worried-- and thinking about food all day, excited about my next meal, focusing on food BECAUSE of my diet. Now, I don't feel like I have a problem regarding food, and so my urge to eat in order to "fix" something isn't there.

Of course, it also is necessary to be occupied with something else besides losing weight for this to work, or you won't be able to stop thinking about your diet in the first place. Replace your "eating worry fix" with something else. I replaced it with exercising, piano, Japanese, or looking online for college classes in a nearby city.

And bla bla bla. Thanks for reading! :)

Shame isn't the problem?

I've got an idea about swimming. WAIT-- what am I talking about?!

I'm free-writing cara-style, so no editing allowed, and whatever I'm thinking.)

I had an idea about... get addicted to stuff. See, I get really addicted to anime, as in, I can watch, and watch, and watch, when I need to quit and do something else for a bit. Like... SLEEP, or HOMEWORK, or CHORES... you get what I mean, right? That kind of stuff.

But I think that "addiction" in this way isn't necessarily something I do because I "need" it, like I don't "need" to get away from my problems. Not at ALL times, anyway. YES, anime does help me get away from my problems and if I didn't use it for that, I might not have my problems.

But I'm CRAZY about anime. And it's helping me learn a language and that I can go to another country and that will change my life. It's not a bad thing. For me to associate anime solely with a negative thing like addiction is really wrong of me to do. It's blowing it out of proportion.

I DO have an addiction to anime, but that's only half of what anime "does" to me, the other half is good, like I just explained with learning Japanese, and that I like it.

So I need to recognize how I am addicted to anime, and take control of that, since it's not the same as a physical addiction, and I can get better in only half an hour after one episode, it's not something I should view as negative.

Is it possible that because of drugs and porn sites and alcohol and sex, people view things like this more negatively than it needs to be? Let's be realistic: what really is my problem: myself, or the internet that allows me to watch anime and TV?

What weakness should I be worried about?

I guess what I'm saying is... SHAME should not be my number one feeling here. It might be getting in the way of what is truly, realistically the solution to my problem.

'Cause like I say, when I diet, I can't just deny myself goodies and snacks. When I do that, (personally) I end up FOCUSING on those goodies and snacks I'm trying to avoid, and I lose control. I don't think it will help me to try and build a wall between myself an anime. Yes, I partly just don't want quit watching it a lot.

But I think I should focus instead on what I WANT to do - that's learn Japanese, music, exercise, and find a job. I really need to prioritize certain things in that list, but ... hahahha anyway.

One step at a time. And I quote myself for summary =^..^= 
"So I need to recognize how I am addicted to anime, and take control of that, since it's not the same as a physical addiction, and I can get better in only half an hour after one episode, it's not something I should view as negative. SHAME should not be my number one feeling here. It might be getting in the way of what is truly, realistically the solution to my problem."

Decision making and control, Studying.

Study in a better place. If I didn't have any motivation, where would the best place to study be? A quiet place, clean and organized so I can focus, with only the item I'm working on and the tools I need to do it with me.

Sometimes I sabotage myself by not studying in a productive place, thinking that if I'm wanting to study, nothing can stop me, but in truth I might be making it harder for myself by studying, for example, in bed. Haha... I don't have what many call "common sense". :)

Today when I made a to-do list, it lost its simplicity and became filled with chores, so I didn't look at it even once, I knew what awaited me!

Scary. So I will NOT be writing a complicated list again. :) I have to remember... the whole point of these lists was to remind me of what I had to do; the other unwritten activities are for me to decide as I go. This will help me with decision making! I have problems with decision making-- like-- like I'm not even going to get into it. But if there was a disorder about not being able to make decisions, I would be heading towards a complete diagnosis, plus all the side-effects along with it! Haha it's so not funny... no... it is, I think. :p

As an extension of my decision-making difficulties, I'd like to suggest that it'd help me to be OUT of control sometimes, as in, NOT "have it all together" once in a while. Actually, more often than not. See, if I stay in control of things, I'm not faced with immediate decisions, because I've already set up everything; I've got a plan laid out, and I don't have to worry about details.

But I'd like to get used to deciding things right when they happen. Things that scare me or mess up my schedule or plan for myself are irritating-- how is that good? Is that to say I'm a routine, planner-type person? But I'm totally not! At least I didn't used to be. It's like I changed the way I did things, my free-spirited habits, somewhere along the way, and I don't know how it happened, but it's debilitating.

I want to be able to change my mind once I've made a decision instead of sticking to a the wrong path like a stupid blockhead.

Learn how to make last-minute decisions - get used to making them, listening, focusing on new things, immediately (i.e. the moment is now).

It's like hearing rhythm in your head-- a dancing melody that continues as you go, so as you do, it just keeps coming-- LIFE, I MEAN--
♥

Long (and Only) Version of How I Can Use my Time Carefully.

I noticed the other day that my life is centered around wandering around the house. Wherever I end up-- the kitchen, the computer room, the living room, my room-- usually ends up reminding me of an activity I could do. So instead of going to the living room to practice piano, I wander by the piano and HAPPEN to stop and play.

This is bad! I think... basically, I am not owning my actions-- I don't take responsibility and get done what I need to, commanding myself etc etc) instead, I just let whatever happens happen.

I say "bad" not because I need to change my habits, but that I wasn't aware of this, and I could be dealing with this... just a little differently. Here's how!

Problem Solver If I had an activity for each room of the house, and set an item in a place I'll remember (like a book, for example) that signifies that activity, that would help me accomplish my tasks instead of side ones that I don't need to do (like solitaire, reading new books instead of one's I've already started, or forgetting that I wanted to study, and going to my room to watch anime, when I just FINISHED doing that twenty minutes ago).

Interesting, right? Now, it's important that I go about my day with a sort of task list in my head (when I'm feeling task-less) and TRY to follow it. But when I DO have free time, it would be great to fit in progressive activities instead of solitaire-like activities. Does that make sense? (I'm trying to call them progressive, as in progress, instead of useful, because relaxing IS useful, so I don't want to be overly negative, it's just relaxing doesn't necessarily provide actual progress, which really is okay.)

These activities include lots of things (Japanese, piano, music studies, bible studies, meditation practice, simple prayer, working out, cleaning house, taking with family). A few of these things-- working out, cleaning house, and talking with fmaily00 are easier because of exactly what I've explained: the activity is "easy to access or "available" because as I wander around the house, they present themselves.

I also perform an activity well when I am stuck doing it. If I find a way to make myself comfortable or stuck (ribbon!) doing any of these activities (without it being something that makes me sleep, if that would be a problem) then that is a good way for me to make the most progress before getting up to do something else.

Implementation: Have checklists in the rooms of the house for activities I do at certain times: this includes pills, flossing, all those little things that I have to make sure not to forget.Some of them I always remember (birth control) other ones I forget or deny (flossing) and others I frequently or almost always never do, no matter how heavy on my mind it is (exercise, quitting anime) when ALL of these things I need to be doing daily. This will help me be successful. These are the little things. I can do this.

Directions.   * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Hole-punch the papers, so I can "consolidate" in a sort of "review" of how I've done, then put them back in place afterwards. They need to try and stay in their places, so I'll make photocopies or versions 1, 2, 3 etc. for ones that will be used for writing on (chap 3 today, date, like that!). The room is [in brackets here]. For large activities that need to have uniqueness to a room, keep it that way. For activities that need to be multiple room,s make it that way. There are a lot of rules to make, so observe how they're ordered.

Books that I'm reading will have to be floating around the house, since I don't have more than one. I'll try and make my studies movable, but I may get distracted by having to go find a book or other item. It's important that I don't let this keep me from getting something done; I can do a little focusing, at least. (Think list in head! Two at a time is okay.)

[bathroom]2000: floss | brush |face |weight (other paper, incorporate when I finish it, or take apart and stick on new? or something) |

[my room][computer rm] Japanese - 2-10 kanji avg.
[us+ds] piano - 1 hr sug.
[us+ds] music studies - 1 hour, 1 chapter, 1 page sug.
[under the bed][in the bathroom][in bed][on couch] bible studies - 15", 1 chapter sug.
[my closet][coat closet][outside][outside][roof][multiple places not already used - post-its] meditation practice (+ side wake up message) (if one particular place develops, use that for a record sheet, unless that disrupts my practice, which it shouldn't but it might.)
[my room] simple prayer
[my room] working out

wake up on all messages

[kitchen] cleaning house
[kitchen] read a book!
[ds kitchen] walk dog

[desk] work stuff
[desk] finances, bills, mail stuff

Remember! The aim of all this over-done-ness is to make it become habit, so that means I actually have to keep doing this "overdoneness" continually, on, and on, and on. It won't end, but it will become easier-- more like habit-- think of it like taking pills. Continually.

For all this stuff, I'm going to implement it with post its, mostly. Some of the items (activities designated for rooms, I mean) will be papers with blanks for the date so I can record what I did. But for a simple reminder like meditation, I'm going to use a certain color of post it to remind me, and place them in all the places of each room or place that I might think to meditate in. Eventually, I'll have an activity or activities for each room, while avoiding any major conflicts (like music study and Japanese study) and every time I go anywhere in my house, I can choose to fill my time with progressive activity, or relax-ive activity.

Most importantly, I can't be worrying about doing something if I don't want to. One drawback to this entire thing is that I might start to mistake all these notes over the house as another one of my schemes to externally motivate myself, and I'll rebel against that and it'll get weird. I'll be naturally relaxing away from a task, then see the reminder and feel like I'm forcing myself to do something without regard to respect-- but it's a reminder, and I AM THE ONE in control of myself, because what I do I take responsibility for. When I forget this, the plan will backfire because I will avoid responding to it. OBSERVE and think ABOUT the situation objectively. Do your best, and separate my SELF from my actions. This is weird but exactly what I mean: "Don't take your actions personally or to heart." My actions do not make me-- mistaking that is unfair and wrong as inverted gravity. Let go of the later and the before and live in now. Nothing can change the fact that God made me how I am and HE MEANT IT.

I also have some unrelated ideas about weight loss, so I'm going to make another post for that.

Are you awake?

I think there are two sides to what I feel when I watch TV and get stuck watching without realizing that I could quit and do something else. One side is that I really enjoy it as entertainment, it's funny, interesting, emotional, happy, sad, and those things. But I also get stuck watching because I'm not "awake" or "aware" throughout-- instead, I let my brain go somewhere else.

I could spend time trying to hold onto my brain while I watch instead; it would make me stronger with decision making and quitting when I need to instead of quitting when something forces me to or reminds me that I should.

Later: wow, that was hard. I COMPLETELY forgot! haha. I'll keep trying it.

Hopefully one of the Final Lists. Comprehensive!

+++Here are the things I need to do to fix my life and take responsibility for things (i.e. the decisions I need to make, that I haven't been making, I suppose?).+++

1. start getting some things done every day, and accomplish this by doing that at set hours of the day instead of waiting till end of the day and doing them all at once or not getting them done. 

[This one includes solving my school problem -- getting good grades now, OR quitting now and just focusing on working at a new job I will find, making money so that I can quit work in the fall (sept. 2011 and focus just on school or have school and just a part time job.)]

2. don't use negative thoughts to motivate myself, and replace the "judgmental" negative ones with the opposite. (I had heard I shouldn't judge myself, but I didn't know what to do instead, so silly, right?)

3. this one uses #2. when it comes to starting a project, don't start with the thought that I might not finish. EXPECT to quit in the middle. This is what will happen anyway. INSTEAD of wat I usually do, get into the habit of starting, stopping, starting, stopping, and thinking positive thoughts throughout all that-- this is so I don't have to worry about expectations. I can't handle those expectations now, and I'd do okay without them.)

4. when I start having "worry spells" (? (: ) and I can't think straight because of it,  I have to develop a kind of tactic. first, I replace bad thoughts with positive ones-- like feeling happy about myself, accepting and enjoying my own character as is, and having hope, at least, if not hardcore belief, that I could succeed in whatever I'm attempting. This tactic is still evolving, I think there might be other things I could do. 

- immerse myself in a simple task, like breathing, or praying.

5. and, of course, really trying to read this list, and IMPLEMENT it. the IMPLEMENTATION is the part I always forget. ;)

6. 1 simple thing: do yr homework the night before and get enough sleep to wake up, or don't expect that it's possible to make it to class prepared; therefore you won't be going or have any homework done. (THAT IS WHAT WILL HAPPEN.)

THINGS FROM MY LAST BLOG THAT I WANT TO PUT INTO THIS ONE BUT I DON'T HAVE TIME TO YET:
I need to look at just the steps.

So, back to number one and two.
1. I am afraid, so I get anxious.
2. That's because I avoid making decisions.
3. THAT leads to it turning into a circle -- 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2....

I need to find a way to deal with fear when it hits me. I'm not always going to be prepared for things, and so fear is normal. I need to NOT hide, and instead FACE the problem.

When I do get anxious due to my fear, and I stop thinking straight, I have to figure out how to stop myself so that I can think again, and then deal with the fear.

I MUST FIGHT FOR THIS

When.

I thought of something. When I'm letting myself get carried away by something that distracts me, I just have to remember: what do I really want? Was this what I was planning on, or am I allowing my decisions to get changed, and pretending that I'm the one that changed those decisions?

(when I say distractions-- I'm referring to something that you love so much, but ends up taking away from the normal, good things, like life, a steady job, family, time with friends... happiness... I mean anything you can get addicted to, like anime for me. I won't involve drugs as if I know what that feels like, but I'm supposing it's the same principle.)

Yes, I'm allowing that-- a decision to be swept under me, my feet flying, my back hitting the cement, and I just lie there, lifeless-- but I don't have to, I'm the master of my decisions. I don't have to allow myself to be swayed in thought and action, not in a place where I'm the one in charge, the queen.

What do I really want? Did I want this? Do I now? Don't ask WHY-- ask, WHEN will I change this?

When.

Self Punishment. Kuroshitsuji :..(

I just finished a twelve-ep. anime in one night. Bleh! Actually, I had also finished twenty-six before that, over a little bit longer of a period of time. It was Black Butler I and II, or Kuroshitsuji.

It's very good. In fact, I don't think I'll find one that grabs me like that again for months. Which is bad. Not because I mind waiting for good animes, but because I wanted to try and see how easily I could turn it off. Like, to prove I could exhibit self-control, you know?

Haha! (Not very many people do what I'm talking about, so you might not get it.) It's like... I like to do things to prove to myself that I can. The excitement of such a feeling lasts no longer than a few seconds, but it's a good feeling.

For some reason, I haven't tried it in a while. Or at least I'm not putting this method (showing self control by making myself do difficult things) to any good use at all.

My brain is bouncing all around. I'm hoping that some day, I'll get on top of all this stupid over-analysis junk and just know the answers to the questions in my mind. Because I know the answers are there, I'm just so worried about everything, including the things that don't need worrying over, that I don't discover the answers very quickly.

Anyway, I couldn't turn Kuroshitsuji off until the end came. (LOONG TIME) and so now I can't go back to re-experience my stuck-to-my-computer moment, and I can't test my self-control.

Of course, there's PLENTY of other ways I could test my self-control. I'm complaining about "losing" (more like passing up) an easy way to try it-- in front of my computer-- the very epitome of my lack of self-control.

aaand I'm still here.

Very funny.

Well, I should be going.

Hiding is Bad....

I HAVE AMAZING AVOIDANCE TECHNIQUES.

I don't mean amazing as in "good" or positive. I just mean that these techniques fizzle to ash any tasks I expect myself or others expect me to accomplish, by means of a mile-thick firewall of ultimate doom. They are stronghold, diamond-hard, an ever-spring deep-full of resources.

My avoidance techniques are simply unstoppable, if left unchecked, anyhow.

CARA! You avoid everything you are expecting yourself or someone else expects you to do. Instead of taking tasks by the hand and leading them to the finish line, you do something you are not afraid to approach-- something that doesn't matter if it goes unfinished-- an activity that goes without expectation.

You hide from expectations. When questions arise to when you will finish something (homework) if you will start something (dusting) if you will do this or that (job-search) you avoid those questions as if you'll die for giving an answer.

I watch anime. I watch movies. I play solitaire. I organize itunes. I learn Japanese characters. I sleep. I get myself distracted. I clean the bathroom before I do the mother-assigned task of kitchen cleanup. Now does that make any sense?

I do "important" tasks (cleaning my room, exercising to lose weight) before I do "urgent" tasks (studying for tomorrow's test, feeding the dog).


WHY am I afraid of expectations?!

I have to get into the habit of STARTING and then FINISHING things. But they also have to be the RIGHT things, not just any things.

This is a list.

PRIORITIES - DO THIS FIRST.
1. pray
2. bible tea/h2o
3. bath/wash/be clean
4. studies
   ~ sit down, write a list of the things you need to get done that day.
   ~ create and order, and detail this list by answering the question: "What is the most relevant and efficient way a perfect or as-good-as-possible grade?"
  ~ follow the list, try your best to finish it, and make sure not to spend a ridiculous amount of time so there isn't time for other priorities.
5. sleep
6. exercise, lose weight, keep room and house clean.

Last essential note. It's the point at the crossroads where I sit doing nothing, walking nowhere, in the middle of a split, that I have to choose the path of a task or the path of an avoidance. I almost never have chosen the task path when I expect or wish it of myself, and often if I have, I come running back for the avoidance path, 90% of the time. Do I want to fix this ridiculous habit? Yes. But.

There is no trick to this. It's simply putting one foot forward in front of the other.That's all there is to it. It's not "making yourself do it" so much as it is just doing it. There's no "making" or "motivation" because if you think about it you're pushing yourself from outside forces. It's simply a do or do not thing. It isn't something you have to try to do, it's just a choice. That's what I've been missing this whole time. I thought I was missing something, but the truth is, I wasn't missing anything. It's inside me, my brain, my heart, my hands.

A change of family atmosphere!

アニメ Minus Subtitles: Listening

I've been watching random animes on the internet lately that don't have subtitles. Sometimes it helps me listen to the Japanese better, and I also don't have to be looking at the screen, because I won't be able to "listen" either better either way, so I can do something else at the same time. Like, right now, I'm playing a special from Harukanaru Toki no naka de. (There are a lot of "related" shows for that one, it's confusing!!!)

Anyway, I notice a lot of things when I listen instead of watch, or at least watch without subtitles. It's kind of fun!

Boundaries: I'm Extending Too Far?

Also while under the subject of "listening", I'll mention ramble on at length about something new I'm doing. My mom and I were yelling and arguing with each other yesterday (Friday) and she said things that I actually listened to. I realized she's been trying to tell me things for a very long time, but I was just never listening. So that (listening) is something I need to do differently (more often). She was telling me how frustrated she is with how I respond to her sometimes. Mom will ask me to do something, or tell me to, or tell me not to do something. This might be to do the dishes, walk the dog, run an errand, quit filling the sink up with unsanitary raw egg drippings, or fetch her something, and usually it's important that I do it right THEN, or it's at least time-oriented. To that, I might argue, or argue about the methods, or say "after I've said no, you shouldn't cross the boundary by ordering me around further. Let me be in control of my own actions."

My Mother's Feelings

Although I had felt that my actions were justifiable, I suppose that maybe that isn't the point. I need to try to help keep peace around the house, more than I need to get people to do what I want or allow me to do what I want. I don't have to have everything my way, I mean, see?

No matter what my someone, my mother especially, asks me to do, it isn't worth it for me to cause an argument. That doesn't matter, if I truly want to stay in the house and live with everyone, and as a part of the family. I'm not treating them like I'm a part of them, I'm acting like I don't care and they're not connected to me (as family).

I ALSO need to remember that I mustn't expect to be listened to. Sometimes mom doesn't listen to me, just like I don't listen to her. It's normal to want to be heard, and in that process, you end up speaking while NOT listening to the other person. And when the other person doesn't listen to what you're trying to say, you never stop to listen, and then each person will never be satisfied because they haven't been heard, so they won't stop to listen to the other... kind of like war... and so it never stops.

So when I'm blabbering on about how I feel, I have to stop and say to myself, "Don't expect to be listened to. Blabbering WILL make it worse. Listen first, and if the other person seems ready to listen, then speak." Mostly, in my family, I'm going to need to do a lot of listening, and not speaking. It's really okay, I've argued enough that I've caused a lot of discord and really stressed everybody out.

Actually, that's what my mom was trying to explain, so far as I can tell, this is what she meant:
Cara, you are using your "sense of independence" against me illogically. You aren't acting like part of the family (though she didn't put it this way, this is how I understand it), you're acting like a rude house border who thinks she's got rights in areas that she completely doesn't. Your family and the people in charge of it are to be respected more than anyone else you know, and you're treating us like you're not even related to us. It's no wonder that we suggest you don't live here anymore, you don't seem to want to be part of the atmosphere anyway.

I've been hurting my mother's sense of command, too, and treating her rudely (rudely, as in, out of place, as if she doesn't have a right to tell me what to do, and it's belittling to her) and it's really caused serious damage to our relationship. I had been thinking that everything was going to be okay, but really, I need to change how I'm acting, take responsibility for my actions that relate to the way I treat my family, and accept my position as a daughter, who helps out when she's needed but accepts commands from mother and father. (Good for self-control, self-learning, introversion improvement.)

Giving Advice to Teddy

My little brother, who I'm worried about not having good diligence (studying and chores, sometimes) isn't going to change by me telling him what to do. If I do say anything, he doesn't believe me because I'm a bad example (REALLY) and it's also a bad thing because he doesn't feel like he has a lot of control over the things he actually does have control over. So I can't try to take control for him and expect that to be effective. I also can't try and change the way my mom raises him. The only thing I can do is be an example and listen to how he feels when we're around each other. No more giving unwanted advice from me, only action and responsibility for MYSELF will be taken!

Teddy-Arguments: telling me what to do, and then the pointless ones.

My brother likes to tell me what to do (like my parents actually have a right to, but he doesn't). He likes to be in control, and sometimes he makes requests that I haven't considered his territory, but mine. But maybe I'm holding on to my pride too much. What a waste of time! It's causing so much dispute in my family. I can't fix everything wrong that goes on in my family, but I can do MY part. I have to stop arguing with everybody. I don't need to take part in that anymore. We CAN find another way to communicate-- one that feels better.


Sometimes Teddy does this arguing-for-fun thing-- he'll tease, then actually say something accusatory for no reason at all. It goes like this.


Cara: Yum, toast.
Teddy: what are you LOOKING AT???!

That's the point where I could decide not to answer. It takes a lot of self control! Haha :) I'm used to answering his questions. We get in to silly debates (also slapping wars, wrestling matches, and chasing-ea.-other-around-house-yelling-or-sneaking-around-trying-2-scare-ea.-other-games). These silly debates sound like this:


Cara: so I learned today that "damn it" in Japanese is NOT ChikuSA, but ChikuSHO. You were wrong!
Teddy: YOU are absolutely WRONG. You can NEVER be right. Baka.

Cara: Well, I looked it up on Google translator. And I've watched way more anime than you.

Teddy: Well, how do you know that? How do you KNOW you've watched more anime than me?

Cara: Umm... well, you don't literally have enough time to watch as much as me. Because you go to school all day, practice two hours of violin, and you also play hours and hours of Xbox. Where would you have time? I never see you watching.

Teddy: How do you KNOW? You know NOTHING.

Cara: uhhhh---

Let me think, what should I do? As you can see, I have bad arguing tactics, and I don't speak the single strongest statement, but try to win by saying tons of things, which he uses against me. If I do actually make a statement that would help me win, Teddy says something irrational and nonsensical.

But even more, our arguments don't really have a point, and it doesn't matter who wins. They also are very annoying and loud for the other people living in our house. We're totally immature... but besides that, they would stop if I just didn't answer him. I've gotten used to doing that a little but, but sometimes I do argue. So I'm going to work on not answering when I see it is a pointless argument or one that Teddy won't be using real logic.

Real Implements to Make :)

1. For everyone in general, including my own benefit: Listen before you speak. Speak only if people really want to hear what you say. Basically, don't plan on saying anything. Just listen!

2. For Mom: have more respect for the people who are in charge. Make peace and harmony a priority. I'm to be like a submissive person, who lets other people tell me what to do most of the time, and only gives input when asked or when necessary.

3. For Teddy: listen, take action for myself and what I'm responsible for, and don't give unwanted advice.

4. Also: don't answer Teddy's illogical-ness. We can find something else fun to do besides arguing. Getting out of the habit completely is better; don't pretend that it's okay when no one is around to get annoyed. It's annoying to me, too. I don't have to participate. So don't answer at those times.

5. For me: respect myself, for myself. When I want to succeed at something (like losing weight, doing homework, practicing piano, WHATEVER--) I need STOP wondering what others think about me, and look through my OWN eyes and ask myself why I'm doing it and what I think and feel.

Things To Make Myself Do

I've decided I want more self control. But self-control comes from just doing stuff. And practice in doing things for a long time, and not getting distracted by something else... simply because you don't let yourself get distracted.

So! Here's a list of things I will be doing every day, with the goal of "not getting distracted" in order to build up my brain, filled up with self-control! YEAH!

THEORY: five pages.
1. piano, 1-1.5-5 hour.
2. japanese, 5-30 things
3. work or jobsearch, 3-20
4. Bible, 1-6 ch.

Center....

I want to have self-control over my actions, so that when I feel like doing something, I can realize in my head (not my heart) whether or not it's a smart idea, and be patient about waiting. "All in time" would be a good thing to think.

I want to have less material possessions, not necessarily too "simple", but because I don't want to keep so many things that I don't use and clutter up my life. I want to know where everything is and not have a complicated mess.

I want to learn how to say no when something isn't best for me, and not care that other people are irritated by it. Perhaps I mean... I should center my thoughts more around myself? And perhaps also... acknowledge when certain problems aren't mine and I don't have to care about others?

I want to be in control of my life. This isn't about something unattainable; I'm not being unreasonable. I wish for these these things only regarding myself. I can change who I am. I'm not trying to change the things around me that aren't under my control, I'm trying become someone who guides her own life, instead of letting just any current take her in circles (therefore getting nowhere).

It works out well that I have a journal like this (and this part annoys me, but it doesn't matter) because no one has to care about this, since it's all about me. I'm complaining about my internal issues. So it feels so good to be able to write it down, even if I'm really the only one who has to listen to it.

Mom and Dad's advice

I'm always worrying about how my parents want to help me too much. But I need to look at it from a different angle! Even though they give me advice, they understand that I don't have to do what they're advising me-- they just want to say the right things to me that allow me to make my own decisions and keep from putting pressure on me. I don't have to worry and make it all complicated-- they love me and want me to be happy-- so it's actually pretty simple.

And it certainly wouldn't hurt for me to allow them to help me once in a while. If I never depend on anyone, it means that I have to do everything myself, and that makes everything so much harder that it all might be too much, eventually.

I'm going to counseling today and I thought I should write down some of what I might should talk about in the session. Mom and me were talking about this contract that we're making-- it's to get me to think of things with a bit of a deadline, because I haven't yet obtained a newer/better job. I need one, because I'm not using my time wisely and making money for school, which was supposed to be the point of taking time off from it.

At first, I thought I needed some time off, even if it was a lot, and that it was good for me. But now I guess I'm realizing that I've come to the point where that's not necessary anymore, and if I say it is, then I'm being too easy on myself. "Time off" for several months is too much-- it's not like somebody died. Anyway, it's not going to help me lose weight or do any other things that will help me gain confidence. Confidence comes from trying AGAIN and aiming to be successful, not from resting. Haha!

I'm writing this because while Mom and I were talking about the contract, she happened to show me an email from my counselor to her (now I realize I should have said earlier, "Hey that's private, I'm not going to read that" but it didn't matter because I learned something good. It was obvious, but good.

My counselor wrote something like, "Sara's biggest problem is that she procrastinates." And then something else about me having "since June 22 to obtain full-time employment" and "...six months".

Well, it's true. That's a long time. I'm being silly. Time to fix things! I feel stupid! Urrrrg. :...[

So it's true, though. It's not like I didn't know I procrastinate, but I just... don't accept it as reality and deal with it like it's reality. I want to fix this way that I think, because it's somewhat dysfunctional. I would like to apologize for being weird, but then I remember that everybody has weirdness and I just happen to be writing about and trying to fix my weirdness, and that's nothing but good.

I'm going to try and go about it the right way. Here are my goals that I've re-done, coming from a perspective that these are my daily activities, which I should do often, all the time, and A LOT!

Things I do.

work (accompany wkends, CNA wkdays)

homework (1-2 classes)

clean house productively, sparklingly.

exercise (dance, regular, run) a lot

[studies: as needed and as possible] - Japanese and Spanish.

PLUS: Bible, Piano. (DAILY as possible)

So, like, kind of my goals to pursue and become used to incorporating into my life. Like, if I'm bored or don't know what to do next, I should be doing these things instead, or I go do them.

Important things to change my habits about: learn self control, to do the things that I don't always want to do, and stop procrastinating.

I'm going to write this down and take it when I go in to counseling!

Self Control for Me! Plus a lot of quotes.

Flabbergasted, adj.  Appalled over how much weight you have gained.  ~Author Unknown
I have terrible self control problems. I don't deny myself anything, really. That can be good, but since I don't know what's good and what's not good for me, I don't always WANT the right things, so I go back and forth. Always-- back and forth between healthy and junk food, anime-binging and studying, exercising and laying around, staying up and going to bed-- it's making me such a mess. If I could just get myself in control a little better, all these problems would be so much smaller.

I found something on the internet that talks about getting self-control fixed up. I'm modifying it for myself and making a list.

1. What areas in my life are suffering and which are prospering? Do I push myself to try too hard without taking breaks for real? The whole time I take a break, I feel guilty? It's time to start sacrificing: work before play this time, and try mainly taking short breaks in evenings and longer breaks on weekends, or at least more in the evenings, so that I can be more accomplished and have sort-of guidelines about when I relax -- work before play.

2. Take time to get informed about the areas I don't have control over. For me, those are 1) connection to God, 2) studies, practice, and learning diligence, 3) exercise, 4) diet, and 5) listening to and communication with others. Not only should I be working on these things, but I should learn HOW to do better in these areas. It's no wonder I become daunted by gaining control over these goals-- they're too high when I don't know how to approach them.

ooookay, now the article is going on about denying myself things. Puh-leeeeze. I KNOW that. That's what self-control is. I don't know how to GET SELF CONTROL. Therefore I don't know HOW to deny myself things. That is THE PROBLEM. Aaaarrrg. Okay, there are some tips...

When it says self denial, it means that-- as a HABIT-- you have to make yourself into a person who... kind of... doesn't need stuff. You give things away, and make yourself do things you don't want to. As a habit. Like... all the time.

4. Become simple-- don't ask for things, give things away, don't buy things you don't need-- REALLY. Don't see this as "denial" but living necessarily. I don't have enough money for everything I want, anyway. I don't want to be the sort of person who denies herself things. I want to be the sort of person who doesn't want them in the first place. I could get used to that. But first, I have to actually deny myself stuff, until it's habit.

I thought of doing that, a while ago, but I gave it up as a rock-solid idea. It might really help me, though, and not just in the financial department. It is pretty selfish, though, in the ultimate sense, because I'm doing it for myself. :) I really don't like the idea right now.... I hate it....

5. Deliberately challenge myself with the things I'm addicted to. TV: turn on the TV for two hours and star at something in the room for two hours. Food: get a yummy piece of food on a plate and leave it there but don't eat it, drink water instead.

hmmm. I'm not sure that will work. The TV one is one of the tips. It would be okay. But with food? Denying myself food has always made me get fatter in the end. I don't know what to do....

Quotes I like that will help me: (from The Quote Garden - specifically "about dieting" and "Self Control")

Self-respect is the root of discipline:  The sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself.  ~Abraham Joshua Heschel, The Insecurity of Freedom: Essays on Human Existence, 1967


Not being able to govern events, I govern myself, and apply myself to them, if they will not apply themselves to me.  ~Michel de Montaigne, Essays, 1588


You must admit you have self-control before you can use it.  ~Carrie Latet


Do you really think it is weakness that yields to temptation?  I tell you that there are terrible temptations which it requires strength, strength and courage to yield to.  ~Oscar Wilde


It's all right letting yourself go, as long as you can get yourself back.  ~Mick Jagger 


A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means.  This is an obvious lie.  Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is....  A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later.  That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness.  They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in.  ~C.S. Lewis


The one way to get thin is to re-establish a purpose in life.  ~Cyril Connolly, The Unquiet Grave  


The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.  ~Author Unknown


If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution.  ~Author Unknown


Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.  ~Author Unknown


No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat.  Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office.  ~George Bernard Shaw


I have gained and lost the same ten pounds so many times over and over again my cellulite must have déjà vu.  ~Jane Wagner


I think I just ate my willpower.  ~Author Unknown


If you really want to be depressed, weigh yourself in grams.  ~Jason Love  


I have a great diet.  You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.  ~Ed Bluestone


History is apt to judge harshly those who sacrifice tomorrow for today.  ~Harold MacMillan


The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.  ~Dave Barry


If you have formed the habit of checking on every new diet that comes along, you will find that, mercifully, they all blur together, leaving you with only one definite piece of information:  french-fried potatoes are out.  ~Jean Kerr


If you wish to grow thinner, diminish your dinner.  ~H.S. Leigh


Probably nothing in the world arouses more false hopes than the first four hours of a diet.  ~Dan Bennett


Don't go out of your weigh to please anyone but yourself.  ~Author Unknown


Movement is a medicine for creating change in a person's physical, emotional, and mental states.  ~Carol Welch


I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.  ~Marsha Doble


Much good work is lost for the lack of a little more.  ~Edward H. Harriman


The one thing that matters is the effort.  It continues, whereas the end to be attained is but an illusion of the climber, as he fares on and on from crest to crest; and once the goal is reached it has no meaning.  ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Wisdom of the Sands, translated from French by Stuart Gilbert


I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it.  ~Thomas Jefferson


Character is what emerges from all the little things you were too busy to do yesterday, but did anyway.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966


I've got a theory that if you give 100 percent all of the time, somehow things will work out in the end.  ~Larry Bird 


No one understands that you have given everything.  You must give more.  ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin


He who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance; one cannot fly into flying.  ~Friedrich Nietzsche

When I was young, I observed that nine out of ten things I did were failures.  So I did ten times more work.  ~George Bernard Shaw


There's nothing like biting off more than you can chew, and then chewing anyway.  ~Mark Burnett 


Though the barriers of life seem formidable, we find when we challenge them that they have no will.  ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com

One saves oneself much pain, by taking pains; much trouble, by taking trouble.  ~Augustus William Hare and Julius Charles Hare, Guesses at Truth, by Two Brothers, 1827
 
The winds and waves are always on the side of the ablest navigators.  ~Edward Gibbon, The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire

Most of us can easily do two things at once; what's all but impossible is to do one thing at once.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

If a man is called a streetsweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry.  He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and Earth will pause to say, Here lived a great streetsweeper who did his job well.  ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

For us, there is only the trying.  The rest is not our business.  ~T.S. Eliot

There are no easy methods of learning difficult things; the method is to close your door, give out that you are not at home, and work.  ~Joseph de Maistre

Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still.  ~Chinese Proverb

To go beyond is as wrong as to fall short.  ~Confucius, Analects

Don't be afraid to give your best to what seemingly are small jobs.  Every time you conquer one it makes you that much stronger.  If you do the little jobs well, the big ones will tend to take care of themselves.  ~Dale Carnegie

Nobody trips over mountains.  It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble.  Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have crossed the mountain.  ~Author Unknown


Put your heart, mind, intellect and soul even to your smallest acts.  This is the secret of success.  ~Swami Sivananda

When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.  ~Franklin D. Roosevelt

Fall seven times, stand up eight.  ~Japanese Proverb

If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again.  ~Flavia Weedn, Flavia and the Dream Maker, © Flavia.com

The race is not always to the swift, but to those who keep on running.  ~Author unknown, in reference to Ecclesiastes 9:11, "I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all."

It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer.  ~Albert Einstein

People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are.  I don't believe in circumstances.  The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them.  ~G.B. Shaw, Mrs. Warren's Profession, 1893

There is no telling how many miles you will have to run while chasing a dream.  ~Author Unknown


Don't be discouraged.  It's often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock.  ~Author Unknown

The great majority of men are bundles of beginnings.  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

One may go a long way after one is tired.  ~French Proverb

Vitality shows in not only the ability to persist but the ability to start over.  ~F. Scott Fitzgerald


As a means to success, determination has this advantage over talent - that it does not have to be recognized by others.  ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com 


When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum.  ~Author Unknown


Difficult things take a long time, impossible things a little longer.  ~André A. Jackson


Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it.  The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use.  ~Earl Nightingale 


Oh, that's such a wonderful site. Yay,  The Quote Garden !

Not breaking.

Hey, so I'm back, like I promised, see?

This is such a big hub-lub. I made that up. Not that it isn't true, but I don't think "hub-lub" means anything in the dictionary. Yeah... "hub-lub - no dictionary results". (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/hub-lub)

I wanted to mention to myself, for future reference, that all those times that I want to avoid going to the library, in favor of staying in my room, I SHOULDN'T because I ALWAYS feel better after I've gone! At least, if I get something done. It must be the possibility of NOT getting something done that scares me. But I'm a RISK taker, I CAN'T let that scare me!!! BE STRONG, CARA! And everyone else who feels like giving up, even if it's "just this one time", it is NOW that's important!

Oh no, the bell. The library is closing in ten minutes. Let's see how much I can get out of the story I was going to tell you.

Okay. So I have an addiction. They didn't say, "You have to admit you have a problem" or anything but I know it's true. Ha ha. Cause how can you deal with something that you don't believe is an issue?

For instance, if you eat a yummy sandwich with onions and pepper-jack cheese and you don't brush your teeth, you breath may not be very nice-smelling. Then imagine-- everyone around you thinks you have bad breath, when you sit too close to them or if you breathe on them. So think about it: how are you ever going to get rid of your bad breath unless you admit, "Oh, well, yes I suppose I DO have onion breath. That is gross; I will go and brush my teeth now."

See? That's productive. Do something about it. But a girl who is addicted to something doesn't want to stop, at least, not on the surface. Deep down, the girl may want to go to medical school or be a better person or something, but she's putting it off until later-- she's PROCRASTINATING. And addiction is all about the surface emotions: what you're feeling RIGHT THAT SECOND is more important than the ultimate results. Eat cotton candy? Don't eat cotton candy? Well, it sounds good.... (and if you don't have any self-control or discriminatory ability to figure out whether it really IS a good idea, for instance, will you be helping your already-developing cavities to develop even more?). SURFACE EMOTIONS dictate your decisions when you're addicted to something. It sucks. It's like you don't ultimately have control where your life is going.

Of course, the good thing about all this is that you actually DO have control, even if not at all times, there are still a few decisions you can make that can keep you from careening into a tree and losing it completely until you are a LOSER. That's what I don't want to happen to me.

More later! We have to go now:)

Sorry, that wasn't very constructive blogging. Bye.

Wow, security guard was like, "just about finished?

later edit 21:24 October 13, 2010: I think it is really funny here, in the last sentence, I was not able to finish typing those quotes on the end of the sentence because the security guard was freaking me out. I don't like bugging people, and I was there when they needed to close up the library, and they were WAITING on me, and it made me... nervous. So that last sentence signifies that funny thing that was going on at the time I was writing this. :)