Enemy! Face Your Doubt to Conquer!

Dancing! I love dancing. I dance in my garage. It is a good workout. And now... to become skinnier! I'm going to have to eat less sugary things. *tears* Dancing helps me imagine. It's beautiful, and freeing, and wild.

I feel confused today. Should I keep thinking about using music as my career? Music, and language?

It's the best idea. It's what I like. I don't know why I would want to do something else. I am just so be-fuddled.

Okay. So what should a person do when she or he has recurring doubts? She quells her doubts, but the next day, the next month-- they come back. Like a stalker you previously had avoided, or spilled rice, or spray-and-wash on skin, doubt haunts through dark shadows. It breathes cold, scratchy fear down your back. I hate it. And yet, this should be something that a human can stop with her own hands, and her own mind. Why do I let doubt scare me so badly?


Maybe... I can fight it. If I thought of doubt as it truly is-- an opponent, my 敵-- I would have the will to fight it. Only when you admit you're afraid do you really find the strength to turn around and attack what was scaring you.

I have my own story, and I am the heroine. I must do my best to succeed. When I do, I won't feel like a different person-- because I'll always be Cara. That's me. My success is already inside me. My future is inside me. My dreams-- glowing orbs-- lights-- I can see them at the end of the mountain train tunnel. I can see the light, but I'm unaware of the landscape where the tracks lead. I CAN be beautiful, and loving, and share my dreams with others who can't find their own, just like I feel now. That's what I want to do....

Spend too much time trying to decide, and you become unable to remember what you finally did decide on. My brain feels like it's been in the toaster too long.

Or re-re-re-fried beans. Do they really fry those??

I'd better stop before I type anything more.

Discovery

Yes. I was trying to change myself too much.

Daddy talked to me AGAIN, last night. I always thought these talks were annoying, but really, they're completely necessary-- not misplaced or in the way at all. I need to change my habits (watching TV more than I work, more than I study, more than I am productive) and it's NOT okay that I'm doing these things.

I wrote down on a piece a paper something like this.

It's no wonder I have trouble making decisions. How can I know what to choose if I don't know what is possible? I don't know what I am capable-- because I don't know myself. I don't know what my strengths and weaknesses are, and even what I do know about myself, I wish I could change some of those things or I wish I could be something different.

I am also terribly afraid to explore my choices, but the bad part of that is that when I am afraid, I give up and avoid the task altogether, which ultimately means that I miss my chance to do anything at all.

So if I don't acknowledge what I am, and I want to be something else, and I don't face my fear and step out and try to discover what is possible, how can I choose a career?

I feel HAPPY!

I'm happy because I have HOPE right now. I doubt a lot, right? Like, too much.

First, I'm going to tell you about my career stuff. I figured out something monumental earlier today. I have been thinking about majors and career choices... MORE... and I guess I figured out why I was so upset about it all the time. Nursing is definitely a very good option... for some people :)... but I've changed my mind again. It won't hurt me to do a little more research to search for what I really want. There is a career out there, I have to believe, that is something more along the lines of what would be good for me. Nursing is only good because I have experience and it's a secure job. It's terrible for traveling, and using languages I've learned will only be useful minimally. Spanish is helpful in nursing,, but I don't just want one language, I want to learn several languages and actually go places. And I want to learn Japanese. So that is why choosing nursing has been bothering me so much.

And yet, I was so scared to consider something else, that my vision was starting to narrow. How silly! I have to take the step out there and actually look into what careers are like. For some reason, that's been difficult for me, and it's (obviously!!) going to be difficult to choose a career when you don't know what it will be like. But that's exactly what I have been doing, because I'm scared to "consider" new ideas. Weird, huh?

So even though I'm leaning towards computer science, or information, or programming, or something related, I am not going to just say "that's it" and go with it, then freak out again with repetitive, circular, illogical doubts. Instead, I'm going to actually take time to research this stuff (including myself and what I'd be good at). I'm going to read about paralegals. I'm going to read about voice actors. And lawyers! And pianists. And music composers, and writers! And more.

I don't really know what these things are like, or the career paths. So I'm going to learn about everything that catches my interest, in depth, and I'll follow those paths until I know for sure that it's something I don't like.

Once I finally decide after doing some real thinking and searching, I will choose a degree at a good school (that I can pay money for until my parents will help again) and then I will do my BEST and have FUN and focus. I will be careful with the jobs I obtain, and I will learn languages and find a way to use them.

Since I really would like to do something musical someday, I would like that to be somewhat of a goal, alongside other goals... (it's hard to make money playing piano right at the beginning of your education) but even more, I don't want to choose NURSING just because it's secure. It's not the right job for me in some aspects (traveling especially) so I MUST make sure to consider other jobs, instead of avoiding the actual research into them.

So, all this was because I was scared. Nursing is so wrong for me. I almost made a really irresponsible decision because I wanted to give up and just get it over with. That's stupid. I could be happy. I don't think I'll be happy with nursing.

Research time!

And now about Kiichigo and his tank environment! Kiichigo is doing well. He seems a little depressed, but I haven't found him stuck to the filter or anything yet... :-/ haha. not. So yeah! He's soooo pretty, too. Delicate and floaty, with a cute little head and a tiny body, and deep red against the blue and green plants in his 2-gallon tank.

And guess what?! I did something creative with the decorations, besides the plants-- I used marbles in the bottom! I guess what else...?

STRING BEADS!

Haha, string beans.

No, really, just beads. There are regular beads, but also sparkly star-flower ones, and-- can you believe it?-- giraffe beads! There might be some buttons, too, I think.

I really love it. Well, good night! Oh. Morning!

PS. I want to make myself a list of things that I always go back to look at when I feel doubtful of myself. Doubtful... as in, like, "Can I really do this?", "I am not sure I am capable of getting A's while pursuing a degree like that...", and "I'm destined to be like this forever...."

Those things sound so obviously silly when I write them down, because no matter what I'm thinking, they aren't very logical thoughts, because on a day I'm not upset, I know they're not true. But as soon as I start to worry, they seem so REAL! I am going to make a note or list, to myself, of what I want my future to be like, and how I AM capable. I don't want to doubt myself anymore. I don't want to be afraid of things I can't change, and I want to be aware of what I CAN change. 

Okay, here it is. I just wrote this, and I'm proud of it. I'm putting it on "Quotidian".


1. You are capable, beautiful, and tall. You will have a job that pays money, and you will have a place to live. You are not a failure. You are capable of success. Thinking that you aren't is just NOT true. It's actually unfair to the man you're going to marry-- he will appreciate you, and would be upset to think you felt bad about yourself when it's not even a reality.


2. When you feel like the above isn't true, just stop and calm down. Go work out, take a shower, or work on Japanese, pet Jellybean and Cat, run, dance, pray or do something else (besides a story-entertainment thing :)) that takes concentration-- it will help you feel better.

I'm okay

I'm okay, everything's fine. I'm just really focusing. I'm not sure I can do this.

Sometimes I get afraid like that. I just have to change the way I do things. It just feels like I'll never be able to do it. It takes so long... and it's all I can write about, too. :)

Writing here has helped a lot. I think I've refined my ideas down quite well. Tomorrow I have to do better.

Oh, I got a fish! He is a betta. I named him Kiichigo, or きいちご, for his deep raspberry red color. He hasn't looked too happy lately, but it IS only the first day.

I'm so tired.

Finding!

No, no, no. I'm going to work, doing whatever working I CAN, this year. I am really not going to be able to get experience in the area I want, not as much as I should, and that's okay.

I'm indecisive like this because I really DO NOT like all these ideas!

I like stories, and music, and knowledge! So why don't I give up trying to find a "secure" job and actually work on these things I enjoy? Right now, I live with my parents. My life is secure. Right now is the time to get jobs that aren't perfect. I don't have to choose my career right now. I need to get out there and try out various things, instead of holding myself back because I'm scared or I think that I won't be applying for the "right" job that will "lead me" in the right direction. I just need to try something! It'll be fun!!!

Tomorrow if work doesn't call me:

look and prepare for looking at getting accompanist jobs, then GET one!

I have other options, too, but I really just need to learn how much money you make playing piano. However, my other options that look promising would be to apply to be a waitress, bank teller, or CNA. However, I'll have to wait those because I don't have a real schedule with the job I have now, so I don't know what hours I can work.

Depressed.

 When my dad comes into my room and asks what I'm doing about looking for another job, then tells me not to waste my time, (he found me watching TV on my laptop,) I get very upset inside. Upset, like... sad, worried, discouraged, and especially-- lost.

I don't know how to handle criticism and helpful advice, do I? :)

I'm letting myself worry about all these tasks I have ahead of me, during the next week (and tomorrow). I look at all those tasks, all at once, and my range of vision isn't wide enough. So I freak out, and hide by doing something unrelated, like watching TV.

(Plus there's this thing where my sleep schedule is messed up and I can't sleep at night, so I sleep in the afternoon. It's my fault, I think, so "can't" is an incorrect word. But it worries and frustrates me, and it's hard to be "on track" with tasks I need to finish when I'm not awake during the day.)

But it helps to read my past diary entries. I just have to remind myself to:

- quit doubting in myself...

and--

- focus on small tasks!

:) OKAY. I'm good!! I think I'll go to sleep in an hour. I worked out a lot today, and I will probably be able to sleep.
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