Ground Zero: Depressed! Or Not!

I made a new goal list, in >>Ground Zero>>. I make new ones so much, I'm starting to doubt in their value. What if it's all hopeless-- that everything I try to do will never end up in the place I want it to be in? I try and try and try, but am I pushing against a brick wall-- and the wrong one, at that? Am I confused because I'm lost for a path, or am I lost only because I feel that way?

It's the latter, it must be! I'm not lost, I just think I am. Sometimes "trying harder" and "trying again" seem like the only answers available.

But there must be another one. I have tried harder, and again. "Third time's a charm" won't work this time, 'cause it's far past the third time!!! Am I lying to myself, and missing something essential?

I can look at my stupid goals list as many times as I want, but I don't know if that's a solution. It hasn't worked yet. It makes me want to cry.

There MUST be a solution. I might just make it.

I'm trying too hard... in the wrong way. I make lists like this, but it's hard to focus on all of things at once. I'm being too idealistic in thinking that my life will be perfect if I could just follow a list like that.

Right?

>:-[ 

I'm printing out that list, and I'm carrying it around my neck on a string. I'll do anything. I'm going to pray, too. Every time. Number nine. That is probably the obvious thing I'm missing.

There is no ideal, not really. I can't make it. Life is about aspiring for something you can't ever reach. For me, at least, as an idealist, I'll never get everything I want. But I can be happy with what I have, too. Time to reach for the stars.

Here I go. Again. I'm trying again. I will do this. I will fight. I'm going. Now.

Depressed.

 When my dad comes into my room and asks what I'm doing about looking for another job, then tells me not to waste my time, (he found me watching TV on my laptop,) I get very upset inside. Upset, like... sad, worried, discouraged, and especially-- lost.

I don't know how to handle criticism and helpful advice, do I? :)

I'm letting myself worry about all these tasks I have ahead of me, during the next week (and tomorrow). I look at all those tasks, all at once, and my range of vision isn't wide enough. So I freak out, and hide by doing something unrelated, like watching TV.

(Plus there's this thing where my sleep schedule is messed up and I can't sleep at night, so I sleep in the afternoon. It's my fault, I think, so "can't" is an incorrect word. But it worries and frustrates me, and it's hard to be "on track" with tasks I need to finish when I'm not awake during the day.)

But it helps to read my past diary entries. I just have to remind myself to:

- quit doubting in myself...

and--

- focus on small tasks!

:) OKAY. I'm good!! I think I'll go to sleep in an hour. I worked out a lot today, and I will probably be able to sleep.
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