On Track

It's coming to the end of the quarter here at school and I have not failed anything. But... I should be LESS excited about THAT, and more excited that I am going to get grades above a C!

[In two classes.]

That is very good for me. I am going at it step by step this time, and...

 ...whenever I feel like saying, "ooh-- now THAT looks like a challenge! Meh! I can do it. Sign me up--"...

I don't!

Because even if you're brave, and strong, and if you liken it to video game terms you've got a HUGE HP, well, pooh tooh ee. Nobody is invincible-- at least, I am from the normal world and am pretty much talking to normal people (....haha, uh, right?...) Don't be irrational about the stuff you take on. There have been times that I do that.

And it's not like I went at such a task with lots of motivation and energy-- or if I did, I didn't keep it up-- no. I went, "YES, I CAN!" and then did nothing.

So, yes. Small steps are the way to go, for me, right now.

My counselor brought up a fascinating word to me yesterday-- a very relevant word to how things sometimes go for me. Or I should say, the way I end up making my decisions.

(The way I say that hints at the apathy I have towards making decisions and taking action-- I word it like it's not under my control, and sometimes it legitimately does feel like I can't control my self.)

The word is A.... just a second.

Avolition. Okay. So Volition is like, of your own will. You do it because it springs from your chest and you choose to follow that, whatever it be, an action, choice, or feeling, I suppose.

Darn it, that's not a word. Um, I guess I mean "abolition". I feel that it should be the same as what I just defined it as, but it could be wishful thinking, so, just a second again, I will go check. Whoa. Also totally wrong. Abolition's like, totally abolishing something. Doing away with it. It's not even a feeling. SIGH~

'Kay, I had it right the first time. Sorry. It means, literally, "poverty of will", and not only can be a symptom of depression (I knew that) but can be also symptomatic of schizophrenia. (I did not *freaks out* know that.) And there's another one, abulia, poverty of motivation.

So the first one (avolition) is where you can't wish or have a desire to rise up and do something (you end up doing nothing, just sitting for a while) and the second one (abulia) is where there is some reason that you aren't motivated or pushed by anything-- you aren't drawn forward into the future, and being successful-- you have no reason for things. I have trouble differenciating the two, but it sounds like abulia is more external, stuff you can't control. It also affects the ability to make decisions and set goals.

*I just remembered-- I reaaally hope my internet works. Argh. It was down last night.*

*I am addicted to PAD / puzzle and dragons, American version, as well as anime, particularly One Piece (ep. 208) right now, but I entertain myself with many different animes, like Parasyte, and I just watched Golden Time, and I also think Yona of the Dawn is fantastic and well done! Ah, this list could go on for a while.*

Ahhh!! Also, my Dad got hit by a car today! (I know I'm getting distracted from the topic, but... but...) He is okay, just fine, really, but still, he did get hit, and bruised, I'm sure (they live a couple thousand miles from me) and his watch broke, too! (How did that happen? Maybe his arm flung one way or the other.)

I'm going back to my mom's text to check on the details....

ARGH! The driver left the scene. Also, he has a black eye! My poor daddy! And we're talking about an old fogie, here, he's like, sixty now. Or fifty-nine. Lemme look that up, too.

Haha. Just kidding, and sorry, Daddy. I do believe he's 57.

ANNNYYYway. Back to what I was saying about avolition and abulia-- those are things I do sometimes! I'm learning ways to get around them, though, because they are caused by something very specific, so the more I can identify how I feel, when I feel it, and what caused it, then I can backtrack and take my mind back around to the place before I felt lifeless and actionless, goal-less and decisionless.

Here's my situation, for an example of what this is like.

I get assigned homework. This is normal, I know.

And people all over the world know how to deal with this phenomena-- do the homework. Get it done. Sometime, get it done. (Although many of us procrastinate, that's also normal.)

But, like, this feeling I have, sometimes, is waaay too extreme for procrastination. I'm telling you, okay, I've been to college for three years and I couldn't finish there-- had to LEAVE-- because my grades were just not okay. They were F's. F's, and B's, and A's, and D's. It was a big mix of "I can do this" and "I am totally going to die academically" and "I will just get everything done in these last two weeks"

And... it didn't work. (also an example of trying to take on challenges that were too big.)

But that kind of procrastination-- not going to class, sleeping instead, watching anime instead, doing nothing instead, promising myself over and over that I would change and renew and fix it, and breaking my promise regularly-- that kind of procrastination is no longer measurable on the procrastination scale-- it has metamorphosed into avolition.

So back on track-- homework is assigned.

But why am I going to school? See, I am not a lazy person. My actions look lazy, but it's entirely different. I clean house with a vigor and a polishing rag like a person who is germaphobic. I organize books and papers with tabs and color-coding. I love to write, and type fast, and practice hours and hours of piano at a time. I go the extra mile for other people, and I run home instead of walking just because I want to get there faster.

No, I am very motivated.........

.. Sometimes.

I am in SCHOOL because I WANT to beCOME somebody.

I change my mind every once in a while, but I've come to the conclusion that I need to find something I ENJOY and become AMaZiNg at it.

This has really never changed about me. So why did I stop going to class? Why was I hiding, and avoiding, and sitting stagnantly in the midst of a rushing river of academia, just swirling around me, ready to take me somewhere wonderful?

I guess it was avolition. I mean, that's a way to label it. But what caused it?

Here it is-- I've seriously got this figured out. For myself, at least. Maybe not for you. :-\

1. You don't have to do all of it at once. In fact, you can lie, or tell the truth, but say this! to yourself: "Don't do it all right now. Just do a little bit-- right now. But---do NOT do all of it."

    (Reason for this strategy: I have trouble starting. The energy required to start may be small, but I can see the whole process, all at once, and I know how much work that means-- or at least, my pessimistic view of how much work it will be, scares me. It scares me so much, I pretend it doesn't exist, and get surprised every time I remember. Not to mention a stomach ache.)

2. In order to not procrastinate, do things right when you think of them, or when the need arises.
for example, fold laundry upon taking it out of the dryer. Just do it. (Nike). If you don't, it's not the end of the world, but it will be the end of your folded laundry. Hold yourself accountable and just do it-- you have to do it sometime.

    2a. In another example, do homework after class, if you have a free period. That one you may have heard from teachers. Well, I don't know if these things work for everybody, because I am unique, and my mind works in an Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) kind of way, so that makes me on a different track that you may or may not be on.

Anyway, I have run out of time to keep typing, and I feel like I said something I wanted to say, so, thank you for reading.

You are fantastic, and you need to believe in yourself and give your inner self a hug, and remember that you haven't gotten to the future, yet. So don't write anything off.

Just do your best-- and remember you will never know what your best is, because it can always get better!

Crying and sadness. Being myself. Solutions in a few paragraphs.

The thing about me moving out feels horrible, but it's not really about me being unwanted or other various interpretations that make me feel awful-- it's about this atmosphere being hard for me to be MYTRUESELF in. And that is completely right. I constantly worry about everything I'm doing because I haven't created good boundaries and set up a personal ... self. I worry about how I SHOULD be before I recognize what I am. Okay? Okay. So. Either I get over that, or I move out. I don't know what's possible regarding those two directions. But I do know that moving all my stuff to an apartment that is icky and that I don't even want to go to might be beyond upsetting; if this upset isn't worth the independence I'll gain by living in my own independent space, then I hate the idea! But I have to consider both staying here or going there; something has to happen between Monday and when I get a job in the city. And I have to stop compromising when my way is perfect. So what's my way? Living in the city-- but where do I go on Monday? That's something I can decide with my parent's help, but no matter what I need to stop letting everything hurt and mold my feelings, WATCH FOR WHO I AM instead of what seems like I SHOULD be, and balance my activities, keep from worrying and wishing about stuff/things to do/needs/necessities/requirements/time-limits/history that can't be changed or that I don't ultimately/truly want to change, and don't let my fear of the future and consequences of the past change my present actions.

Anime is GOOD for me. It makes me happy and encouraged (depending on the subject, of course:). It's time for me to accept that. On the other hand, it isn't good for me any more than some other activity that takes up too much time. Anime holds me focused more than most of my other likes and dislikes and activities, and too much of it isn't a good thing if I have to go do something else, or if I need to spend some time living my life. Anime is a restful activity-- it's like thinking. Thinking might be good, helpful, and productive, but it doesn't actually cause change like action does. Anime is the same in this way. So while I should *not* consider anime "evil"(say "negative") in terms of time, it must be balanced with actions if I am to stay balanced in my happiness. Essentially there are different kinds of happiness - relaxation, resolutions, absolute peace, delight, discovery, and probably more:) Anime IS all these things, except absolute peace and resolutions (it can sometimes provide absolute peace if it communicates a message from God, and it might hint at or bring up thoughts of resolutions, but it can't resolve things, as that would require a number of actions.)

I get depressed sometimes and cry. It's not one of the things holding me back, but I do want to try and understand the feeling: I figured out that when I am sad and I can't move from my crying position, when I just sit or lie down, and wait there for my sadness to go away, it's because I don't know what to do next. Even when I get up because I know I'm using time feeling sad and I want to use my time differently, I still don't know what to do next. So even if I change locations, until I stop feeling sad, I have to resume a still position somewhere, thinking in circles, my tears and sadness cycling through welling up and alternately drying. It doesn't stop cycling until I calm down from my circular thinking and sadness. Also, reminding myself "I'm going to cry later..." when I have something to go do, is good

This was a random diary entry but just as a peek into my life (and because I wanted to add the tag for this) I should tell you something.

I HATTTTTEEE AAAAAANNNNNNNTTSSS!

Not the family kind.

The disgusting smelly squishy melty squesldkfha;erighy ppooopy pink when you turn them over......in my food ....eating the marshmellow fluff crap and getting in the sink and the trash and DYING ALL OVER THE FLOOR BECUASE WE PUT OUT POISON and ARRGH

ANTS!

ANTS! GRRR!!!

I think though, they had to retreat momentarily from attacking in my room, because it was so depressing. The aura was, I mean, because I was emitting waves of depression from all the crying *giggle*

IF I believed in curses........









one more thing? vocaloid 鼻そうめんP ・ Hiroyuki ODA・HanasoumenP・HSP・かんざきひろ....

he or she... wow. amazing producer. up there with Avtechno, I think. I don't really know who these people are, though, so I'm a bit of amature talking about them but WOW.

Guilt. Food. Anime.

I realized something earlier today.

It has to do with the fact that I've been losing weight lately. I believe that my new method is contributing to this fact. I'll tell you my method, but seriously-- this only works if you are the type of person who feels guilty when she eats something that could "make her fat".

I feel guilty a lot. In fact, I think guilt might be one of the most natural things that stir my emotions. But it doesn't necessarily make me feel MOTIVATED. It makes me feel kinda lousy. And when I feel lousy, or depressed, I eat chocolate or watch too much anime. That means I am not studying, exercising, going to work, or spending time with humans.

So I'm living here at home. My family knows I like anime, and I have in the past spent too much time on it. So even though it's something I love a lot, and I've decided to enjoy it even if other people look down on me, but I'm not successful at taking their criticism in a useful way. Everyday, they talk to me about this or that issue that I have. They give advice. My dad wakes me up in the morning, his face white and his voice angry, telling me what I need to do that day. If I'm relaxing it's best to do it somewhere hidden because it's hard to relax when people are talking to you about touchy subjects. I just can't get out of this atmosphere, mentally, and it's tough to stay sane.

So yeah, they're right that this isn't good, I admit it. Because I like life too. I love music and making money and getting educated and dancing and having friends to hang out with. But I can't be that kind of person if I feel guilty about everything "bad" that I do. 

I need to make decisions before I take an action. I will say, "hey, I'm going to do this now" and NOT feel guilty about it. I won't simply eat ice cream or watch anime out of habit-- I'll make the decision to take the time or calories. If I don't want to do it because it's not good for me, or because it's not the time, then I'll make the decision NOT to do this thing. But either way, I will do my best to smash any poisonous, irrational guilt with my sledgehammer until it is as flat as a snake on highway blacktop.

That's kinda how I'm losing weight, too-- while gentle-stretching and heart-pumping exercise is deathly important, it's very essential that I keep in mind at all times not to feel guilty when I splurge on a little something here or there. Because I allow myself to eat literally any food or snack that I want to, (unless I'm full) I am mostly able to eat healthy. I can splurge any time I want. I have self-control BECAUSE I'm not on a diet, I'm free! My decisions are up to me regarding sweets and meals, so I feel free to make good decisions, and it's EASY.

So because it's easy, I don't even have to think about it too hard, and I'm no longer focused on food. In the past, I would worry about my "diet" so that I felt like I needed to "fix" something, which led to me eating. I felt like eating something would help my diet.

I was worried-- and thinking about food all day, excited about my next meal, focusing on food BECAUSE of my diet. Now, I don't feel like I have a problem regarding food, and so my urge to eat in order to "fix" something isn't there.

Of course, it also is necessary to be occupied with something else besides losing weight for this to work, or you won't be able to stop thinking about your diet in the first place. Replace your "eating worry fix" with something else. I replaced it with exercising, piano, Japanese, or looking online for college classes in a nearby city.

And bla bla bla. Thanks for reading! :)

Listening. クリスマス。 Doing Better.

So, last night I talked with my Dad again... but guess what?

I.

Listened.

EEEEK!

Well I guess I don't care about the listening much as part as that I

Did.

Not.

Cry.

I did not feel overly-pressured. I --

could.

handle.

it.

Without arguing.

Well, not too much. X)

Basically, my Dad was telling me that this week, I HAVE to focus on looking for jobs. This week. Well? It doesn't freak me out too much. I want to do it.

Usually, not arguing is hard for me because it's fearfully difficult for me to deal with pressure, so I make excuses, but also, he talks for a long, detailed, time, (saying things I disagree with) making me want to interrupt all the more. So I listened to his orders, which he is very careful to explain in DETAIL like he has many times before, and I told myself over and over that it's okay and he's right and that I sincerely agree BUT also that I have my own plans. That I'm not plan-less and opinion-less and that I am mature and grown-up and that I will succeed.... And kinda contrary to his opinion, that my dreams are worth something big.

After that ordeal, which wasn't much of an ordeal in comparison to other similar situations :) ...
I realized I had been wearing on my head my Claire's (accessories) silver princess crown, the whole time I was talking with Dad.

LOL. Haha. Oh well.

We ended the conversation on my own statement! Actually I do that a lot anyway :) (I'm kind of a stubborn snobby daughter) And I said, "I just don't want to be treated badly because of my past actions anymore." Or something like that. Maybe not a very nice thing to say, and certainly it's asking for a lot (too much?) but I need to think better of myself now.

So what am I doing about this? Well, my plans are to get my life organized and be at peace with everything that goes on in it. I don't want to be monumentally worried all the time just because I'm not controlling my own actions. That means I want to get IT together. That means I want to get a job. It's on the list. Metaphorically.

The best way to put it is that I'm working on scheduling myself. I am customizing my planner and making a sort of weekly schedule with activities like piano, Japanese, job-searching, volunteering (piano playing), house-cleaning and singing (for example). I will make short term (daily) and longer term goals, backed by reasons. I also am using Textfugu's cool method of making a list of excuses for why I should quit, which I can use to remind myself that those excuses are retarded. Eh. I mean misguided.  Also, I'm making goals for each day; basically, I assign myself tasks, which I complete by doing them regularly as habits or "traditions".

I have yet to get myself organized, but that's the idea I'm going for.

I've also started translating stuff all over the place. I've restarted Shugo Chara / しゅごチャラ！ without subtitles :) !

And, today I watched the first episode of Kamikaze Kaitou Jeanne / 神風怪盗ジャンヌ (Divine Wind Phantom Thief Jeanne is the long translation).

And for both those animes, I usually stop and write out the song lyrics in kana and kanji, working toward pronunciation, then understanding it or translating it to English. I learn a lot of new words this way, and I remember them best because I'm not bored and I can connect it to lifelike stories which I love.

One more thing I'm doing is listening to my audio CDs of the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. (amazon) (zondervan) It's useful (...so far...) and has lots to do with my issues with being myself naturally, standing up for opinions, and especially deciding where my boundaries are so I don't have to worry about my responsibilities so much.

I'm thinking of where I stand. There are SOME things I DO NOT need to change about myself (for other people). Also, there are influences of others that I can IGNORE; by which, I mean there are things I can stop worrying about.

Haha... well, it's kind of like I don't care about others' feelings as much. That sounds awful, but it was putting a lot of strain on MY emotions... plus my life isn't going well at all, career/education-wise, so if I don't change something about myself there's not much point in my existence (I only mean that theoretically and also a bit dramatically).

Anyway, it's 11:00 and I've got to get out of my room to clean house. We've got the housekeeper (I like to say "maid" X) coming today and ironically, we clean up before she gets here at 12:30. Haha.

No, maybe that's not ironic, silly me, how else can she clean the counters and floors under the enormous amount of clutter and Christmas decoration Rubbermaid containers and cardboard boxes?

Hee hee SO! here is how to spell Christmas in Japanese!

クリスマス 

Which you say like this: "Ku-ree-soo-mass" (pronounce the syllables lightly, and clipped.) If you like romaji better, it looks like this: "kurisumasu"

Well, anyway, that's probably right. Source: myself. Not anybody Japanese. I'm an authority, can't you tell? No, I'm not. That's sarcasm.

And here are some snowflakes for Christmas. ✢ ✣ ✤ ✥ ✱ ✲ ✳ ✴ ✵ ✶✻ ✼ ❄ ❅ ❆ ❉ ❊ ❋
✽ ✾ ✿ ❀ ❁ ❃ ❋

Standing Up for Myself-- BEING ME

I think I've been going wrong about my... main problem.

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[   problem update:

1. depressed + anxious; on zoloft

2. unemployed / bum / irrationally low confidence

3. parents with their own ideas

4. parents who voice these ideas

5. parents with total lack of encouragement in my dreams because the dreams don't make sense to them

6. my dreams really do seem impossible
7. and to top it off, I have yet to prove I can reach these dreams   ]
- * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - *
ADVICE
I shouldn't have said so often to Mom that I don't want advice. I do want her advice. Her advice is not my problem. I just need to tell her : please don't criticize my interests. These interests I have a hard time expressing without her discouragement include anime, my dreams such as becoming a pianist, an interpreter and translator, and a wife of a man who possibly does not live in my home country. As the subject comes up, I will say appropriate things like, "please don't critisize my love of anime. It's an old subject, and my anime-interest is equally time consuming as are my other hobbies." Also I can say, "I am determined to succeed in the career of my dreams with you and Daddy as my support system." Usually I just tell her I don't want to talk about it. Now I'm going to have a better answer.


WHAT I'M DOING WRONG IS: I'M NOT BELIEVING I CAN DO IT
Out of the various problems I have while living here in my parent's house, along with my brother Teddy, and Allison and her son, the number one issue I have is caving to my parent's advice. I am very influencible. Why?  ONE: I don't believe in myself. I've got to be more confident.

And, well, maybe because I don't have a plan-- where there's a goal at the end and steps I'm going to take along a timeline-- and that makes me opinionless about my own life.

Basically I need to stand up for myself more often. I need to make more hard-core decisions. When I don't know what to do, I think hard about what I do want, and I decide. It's not about what others think. I know myself better than anyone else. Even more, I have good intuition about myself. This is because my mother taught me confidence. But I need to use my confidence, instead of letting the advice I hear from my family, including my mother) dissuade me.

In the end they will be happy if I am successful, but I WILL include them in my success, instead of walking away from them in order to succeed.

Just because they doubt me doesn't mean I need to give up on them.

Good, aye? Usually this is the part where the kid leaves his parent's house in a huff. But I'm not going to be angry at them for not trusting me. My forgiveness is partly due to the fact that their distrust makes sense.


THIS IS HARD
I feel really sick and awful. My dad just came in my room, JUST NOW as I was writing, with one of his attitudes, like "no argument, listen to me without responding, and only accept what I have to say, then take action exactly how I want you to"
They think I'm watching anime constantly. I watched about an hour today while exercising, and this evening a little before bed. Quite an addiction, don't you think? Would they rather I walk away from this "addiction" as if I have the strength to throw out my manga and DVDs and never touch videos on the internet again-- avoid my "addiction" until I burst and go back to it like a crazy person? Or should I learn to control it, like I'm doing now, monitoring my emotions, thinking, and feeling, like a living, breathing woman of courage, creativity, and music?

I also spoke with my counselor and had a wonderful session, feeling beautiful and confident and ready to look for a job within the next two days, bursting with ideas and belief in myself.

But my parents, who are worried, impatient to the point of explosion, have lost trust in me, and think I am a lazy, emotionally-uncontrolled bum, insist on trying to force me to change my habits and decisions by telling me I have to because this is their house. Even though it's been only a week since we talked about my job-getting plan, and I am already making progress on it just like planned.

STANDING UP
I'm going to be angry with my self and my situation, and use that power to do what I need to.

For a year, I've done nothing but sleep, feel depressed, get into massive arguments with my parents and little brother, half-heartedly play piano less than once a week, watch loads of TV, gain twenty pounds, pretend I want to learn Japanese, cut off contact with all my close friends or who I've ever met, and NEVER leave the house.

But now-- NOW! After a bit of counseling, pills, personal growth, and a lot of thought and journaling... I volunteer. I LEAVE THE HOUSE. I dress up, wear makeup, and perform like a professional on a to-die for Bösendorfer (fancy German piano) in a architecturally beautiful hospital famous for its healthcare.

I've also almost finished a resume that I've had edited by a professional who has worked with a lot of college students and kids looking for jobs.

I have plans to look for a job this week. I am working on my study ethic and creating good habits and goals for my life. I feel more serious than I ever have before. And God is going with me. He says so. He will give me strength. I'm going to keep praying. I need his help for sure....

I AM AFRAID BUT I WILL DO IT ANYWAY
I might cry after this decision. But I'm not going to give up anymore. I know what I want. I'm going to really try. I'm not going to change my decisions and habits anymore, I'm going to make decisions based on what I want to do. My mother and father are amazing people. I have their genes. I am their daughter. They taught me respect, responsibility, and LOVE. I like who I am. So. Now, I'm going to be that person.

To my beloved mother and father: I love you. Now trust me. Allow me the freedom to be the adult I am, and the adult I will become, and I will show you what I can do.

God is going with me. He says so. He will give me strength. I'm going to keep praying. I need his help for sure.... forever  ; )

Life Goals and Priorities

Alrighty. So, I'm been waiting, and procrastinating a lot, for about a year. I think I want to stop doing that. Procrastination is like giving up in the moment, while promising yourself that you'll do it "later" but "later" doesn't really mean anything. So procrastination is just giving up, since you can't say that you really WILL do the thing you need to do, ever, until you actually do it.

Here are my life goals, and underneath each one I have things I'll do to get the things done, or how I'll work on them.

1. Take care to be pretty and confident
-- (realistically) set time aside
-- remember I am good how God made me, and God is love, so I'm following him.
-- make myself do stuff I don't want to. This is going to happen a lot, and I have to deal with it, so I've got to make the choice to be responsible and cool about it.

2. Speak Japanese and go to Japan
-- 10 kanji and/OR review
-- stop using subtitles on anime (more often if not all the time)
-- leave my DS by my bed and use it more often

3. Make music
-- take it in college
-- get jobs playing music
-- volunteer playing music
-- practice every day

4. Learn about God and live for him, especially by loving others including being responsible for my family and friends, reflecting him and learning how to do that, plus anything else I need to do like that.
-- read the Bible more often, making it a source of answers to my many questions
-- go to church when I'm ready
-- care for and be responsible for my family
-- don't let myself stop my life because I'm afraid-- face the fears I have-- things that are hard-- and get a job so that I continue. I don't want to live like a zombie, but right now, that's kind of what I'm letting happen. I'm not appreciating my life.

5. Have fun and don't be upset, and be myself
-- take life at my own pace, enjoy the moments I'm alive
-- watch anime
-- don't hide: meet new people, talk to my friends and care about others
-- express myself however I want, accept how I am and don't worry about my appearance

Now... as a side note, I want to get a job to help me with number three and four, but I also need to have some spending money for the anime Full Moon wo Sagashite. I don't care if I can't use the DVDs until I get a player, but I know I want to get some before they run out of stock. I thought it was a wonderful show, and each episode was worth watching. There weren't any that I would consider fillers, and it wasn't too slow, and I loved the plot's depth and the characters. I was really surprised by how good it was-- and I don't know if I'll still say this later, but it's the best anime I've ever seen!

I haven't found an anime before this that I could say is my "favorite". Usually I'm just like, "eh, it's a great show, but I can't compare it to the others I like because they all have their pluses and minuses".... but with Full Moon wo Sagashite, I can say it really is my favorite! I'm biased 'cause I love music, and the story, but I really do think it is a masterpiece, with exquisite details and subtleties.

What's on the receipt?

Ahhh, I'm quite TIRED!!
I ran outside again today, just around the house, but at least a mile without stopping. I am really weak and pathetic, so that is a lot for me! Hopefully I will lose weight soon. I think I might be gaining, because of easter candy and me... not... restricting myself!

Don't think about it, Cara.

I just looked at my closet.

But I don't want any chocolate or candy, I'm full. I ate, and I can go get more food, like CARROTS, when I'm hungry.

Okay! Okay.

I also played DDR, and did fifteen kanji! Tomorrow I plan on practicing piano longer than an hour.

Piano is so much fun lately. I only recently found out that a person can find sheet music, like for voice or piano, online. Sheet music for vocaloid songs! Sheet music for anime openings!

IT'S AMAZING. I have a beautiful piano piece for Kuroshitsuji, a very difficult vocaloid piece called "Dolls", and the opening music for Romeo X Juliet the anime! (You raise me up.) Those are the ones I'm working on right now, but I found about thirty others. It's crazy fun, and it's gotten me to practice my classical piano music more, too.

Mom and Teddy and Nate went to Red Robin today and stuffed ourselves with gardenburgers, among other things. The ice cream was good! But I also thought of something while I was there.

Since I don't get out much.... Um... anyway, since I don't, it always makes me happy when I go places with other people. It makes me want to have a life, you know, like a job in a busy place, where I'm part of the system, like, something in the city would be nice. I especially like nice aesthetics, but that is hard to come by, so it's just a wish.

I was thinking to myself-- when I go to look for a job, I shouldn't be all self-doubting and feel like I don't deserve a job because I won't be good at it or like it's going to be hard, blah blah blah. I should just imagine the happy part-- like what I can see from this end of it, when I was eating out with my family. I should think of it as a fun thing, a new part of life that will become good and enjoyable. That's why I should make sure to get a job that actually WILL be fun, and not just take the first one I see ♥

How to believe in myself when I can't see the end.

Think of my life like anime - 20 minute slots, beautiful, emotional animation, stories, breezes, as it will be, a story with a beginning and an ending. Notice the beautiful part of life, every moment. If I could see it all at once, I could believe in myself completely.

Accepting! Running for your Life!

I got up this morning at 10:30-ish. I had boring breakfast and stuffed myself. I've gotten really hungry for milk lately, I eat it with chocolate or strawberry mix. I think it helps me lose weight because I drink it and BAM! there's half my stomach filled, but it acts as protein and builds and heals my exercised muscles. Cool, right? And it tastes so yummy.　But I get a lot of sugar, too... so if I when I am not working out, I avoid that, haha.

... The most lbs. I've lost so far... NINE pounds!!! Well, I can't officially count this until I can hold the weight for a three weeks, not just two.

Next, I did some anime watching, and after that, working out. Those were the main things, but it took me a while to start working out. My goal is to work out earlier in the morning, I could exercise twice a day if I did that, since there would be more time and energy in the evening for a second go.

Working out was good, not as hard as Wednesday's, and I felt more tired. I played DDR (YAY!!!) and ran outside. Tomorrow, I'll push myself harder. I think I have more energy at night, but I want to try and change my metabolism to start up earlier, is that weird?

GASP it's 2am. This isn't much of a "post before nighttime sleep" since it's morning....gaaaaa--

When I run outside, it really helps me to pretend that someone's chasing me. Especially if I imagine I'm going somewhere, (my castle/tower home, where I'll be safe when I arrive because we have security, but until then I must keep ahead of my pursuers, so I pretend the path I run on is the only one that runs through a thick forest). It feels real when I notice the smells of the trees and other green stuff outside. Especially what helps is to listen to my ipod, that keeps me going if nothing else does.

I was watching Phantom: requiem two or three days ago, and here's a quote that confirms this amazing idea while running: "When you pursue, think as if you're running. When you run, vice versa." How perfect is that? When I run, I'm NOT being chased, I'm pursing weight loss (or a workout), and so it makes me want to stop! Especially if I remember how easy it is to quit, and how much better I'd feel if I could go have lunch and watch anime or take a bath, or the fact that I haven't done the dishes. So quitting would be easy... but if I forget that I'm the one pursuing weight loss, and instead imagine that I'm running for my life, it becomes... easy. 

The only problem is that it takes a lot of focus to imagine things like that, and sometimes you forget to keep it up.

I also spent forever printing the Japanese Grammar Guide (click here for the link, there's a PDF and a lot of other language versions, too). I had to put it in THREE SEPARATE VOLUMES! But it was fun, and I learned new kanji in the process of decorating the cover. I will show them to you! :) :)

決める

「きめる」

kimeru

to decide

 

夢

「ゆめ」

yume

dream

 
午後三時です。

「ごごさんじです」  

gogo sanji desu

it's three p.m.

  

夜明けに

「よあけに」  

yoa ke ni  

at dawn

午前十二時です。

「ごぜんじゅうにじです」

gozen juuniji desu

it's twelve a.m. 

They say we would remember our dreams better if we wrote down what we remembered after we wake up-- that eventually we'd remember more and more each time. My life is a bit like a dream, really! I forget what I do, day by day. That means that I can't as easily change my habits, and that I try things over and over, wishing for different results, and not getting them. (Trying to lose weight without exercising or lessening sugar, going to sleep at THREE AM and thinking I won't be tired, etc.)

So I'm going to TRY and be less vague in my posts from now on-- as in, I'm going to write about the actual DETAILS of my life, like what the clock says and my daily choices. I can't lie to myself this way!

Journaling could be considered a form of meditation, you know. Meditation (in Kabbat-zin's book I'm reading) is all about being aware of what's really going on. Instead of trusting your perception, which would be how see something that you haven't really stood back and looked at objectively. Journaling can be a form of objective reporting-- as long as you avoid saying this/that is good or bad, and NO worrying about the past or future! I'm going to try it-- just telling the truth of what you see right then! Of course, maybe it's not pure meditation (I WILL be thinking, just not worrying) about past and future. It's not as simple as meditation in that sense, but then I might be a little off in the definition of meditation right now as I'm not very far into the book. No judging yourself harshly is pretty good for thought, whether or not you're meditating, right? :)

IDEAS
am- med
pm - journal

all day - prayer
- - - - - - - - -

Also while running... I came up with a better idea of how to look at other people. I thought, sometimes I love the uniqueness of my family. They're like anime characters in the way they're so unique-- compulsive, argumentative, obsessive, loving, and stubborn.

But I always want to help them; usually in a unhelpful, unwanted-advice like this-is-how-I-would-do-it sort of way. I don't think of my advice-giving from their point of view. And that really IS too complicated-- what I should do INSTEAD is this: accept people exactly as they are, not as they could be, and their potential, but right NOW. 

In anime, especially in the comical parts, the authors and animators like to make us laugh by showing off unique characters' quirks. These characters are weird and unique, for example, really beautiful, really dorky, really ecstatic, hyper, girly, manly, physically small, any type of extreme characteristic. The other characters either enjoy, are pulled along into the fray, or simply deal with their friends' and enemies' actions as best as they can. But they don't ever tell them they're weird or that they need to change. They only react to those characters' actions. Sometimes they imply "you're weird" or to that effect, but we as viewers don't ever expect the character to become less weird. And we love them weird. If they weren't weird, the anime would be boring and we'd go watch a better anime with more interesting characters.

If people can change, most can do it themselves. Only when I know exactly what to say can I give advice, and also only when I'm sure it's needed! In my family, that's .00001 % of the time, so never! (My family members are stubborn, and also very intuitive and don't need help like I sometimes imagine they do.)

That would feel so much better. I was saying recently that "respect" was the most encompassing way to explain this idea I just wrote, but really, "acceptance" is a little more encompassing. Respect is still included, but in a way, acceptance is a recipe with a little more of love-ingredient.

Acceptance lets you love and respect someone, but it adds something else. When you accept someone, you accept them completely and whole. Teddy, I don't just accept that you're you as you are-- but I know that you CAN become a better you-- if there is one. I have NO doubt you can fly, you can make whatever you want, go wherever you want, do what you can, be the best you--- I believe in you.♥

Shopping is Not a Bad Thing, Cara!

Okay, I'm setting new rules for my weight loss presents list. It's long and it has specific presents for various weights, right? Well, it's good to hold myself too that, but I haven't bought any manga and it's been a year since I started wanting to learn Japanese. For someone obsessed with anime like me, it's ESSENTIAL that I make MANGA part of my Japanese learning!!!!!

Hah. Okay.

Well, I bought the first and second Kuroshitsuji manga, and I don't really feel guilty about it. I really needed a pick me up. I'm going to remember this for next time: it is very important that I take care of my money and watch where it's going and save when I need to. However, I also need to make sure I don't restrict myself too ridiculously, either. I'm allowing myself to change the list and buy things ahead of time as needed, but when possible, to hold off buying and instead accomplish my goals first! C:

My "presents" for each goal is a fabulous idea, but I have been letting myself get carried away. I have a box on my shelf from Christmas that I haven't let myself open; in it, (along with books, movies, calendars for 2011... I just realized I should be using that o.o ... jewelry) I know I have a Nintendo lite DS I got for myself with which I could start learning some kanji-- but I haven't allowed myself to open that until I get a job.

I CAN DO THAT. So I'm okay with that restriction; that goal is within my reach-- within my power. As long as I keep the following in perspective, I'll be all right: I need to know what I'm capable of, and when I'm afraid, which of the two kinds of fear it is: a fear of something I can't handle, or the fear of my self not being able to handle it.

Gameshows Tell You the Truth Right Away!

Focusing on one thing in life is more useful for me. I am always trying to tell myself (I plan and think a lot but don't DO it, mostly) that I need to start (keyword: *start*) studying Japanese regularly, studying music regularly, etc etc. Those are good things, but I have to PRIORITIZE, meaning, pick one to go crazy over.

Right now, I feel that losing weight would change my entire life. I'm letting my weight change how I feel about myself. I could either get over it, or I could actually lose weight. I think the latter option is the best one, but it will only become possible when I start making it my mission in my tiny little life right here. Until I do that, I won't get closer to being happy.

But even better, some of this will come in time. I can be focusing intensely on losing weight, without neglecting other major types of focus like Japanese or religion. These things happen; I'll become internally motivated on accident-- I won't have to make myself. I've noticed it happens sometimes. But until it does or even when it doesn't, I should try and focus on usually just one thing at a time that I think is most important in my life-- a driving sort of force of learning... or education.

Other things need to be part of my life, not as a driving force, but as a living force, like breathing, a peaceful habit-- things that are necessary, such as: not lying down all day, prayer, eating, working (I'll have to work on that one, it's unknown territory) taking pills on-time, and sleeping regularly.

Another thing-- awareness is the same as telling the truth. I lie to myself all the time, really! Mindfulness is going to help me. After watching some of Fullmetal Alchemist, I thought about the flow of life idea-- that it's bad to assume you're above it, and try to change it.

I don't agree with tons of stuff in anime, spiritually and religiously, but it presents so many beautiful ideas! Really, there are many things animes have taught and are still teaching me. Anyway, I tie this to Fullmetal Alchemist by explaining that I thought I was above my life, above making decisions, even, as if, since I will be successful in the future, what I do now doesn't matter, because I'm perfect. EEERRRRRMP! WRONG!

Anyway, I've been telling myself things that aren't true, and imagining that I'm doing okay when I'm not. If I haven't succeeded at something, I may never. I always hope that somehow I'll be famous someday, and beautiful, and terribly skinny, and have awesome reflexes, and create amazing, strong bonds of friendship and love with people in the world... but these are all in my imagination. I can't just expect that I'm an amazing person-- I have to accept who I am and try and live.

When.

I thought of something. When I'm letting myself get carried away by something that distracts me, I just have to remember: what do I really want? Was this what I was planning on, or am I allowing my decisions to get changed, and pretending that I'm the one that changed those decisions?

(when I say distractions-- I'm referring to something that you love so much, but ends up taking away from the normal, good things, like life, a steady job, family, time with friends... happiness... I mean anything you can get addicted to, like anime for me. I won't involve drugs as if I know what that feels like, but I'm supposing it's the same principle.)

Yes, I'm allowing that-- a decision to be swept under me, my feet flying, my back hitting the cement, and I just lie there, lifeless-- but I don't have to, I'm the master of my decisions. I don't have to allow myself to be swayed in thought and action, not in a place where I'm the one in charge, the queen.

What do I really want? Did I want this? Do I now? Don't ask WHY-- ask, WHEN will I change this?

When.

Self Punishment. Kuroshitsuji :..(

I just finished a twelve-ep. anime in one night. Bleh! Actually, I had also finished twenty-six before that, over a little bit longer of a period of time. It was Black Butler I and II, or Kuroshitsuji.

It's very good. In fact, I don't think I'll find one that grabs me like that again for months. Which is bad. Not because I mind waiting for good animes, but because I wanted to try and see how easily I could turn it off. Like, to prove I could exhibit self-control, you know?

Haha! (Not very many people do what I'm talking about, so you might not get it.) It's like... I like to do things to prove to myself that I can. The excitement of such a feeling lasts no longer than a few seconds, but it's a good feeling.

For some reason, I haven't tried it in a while. Or at least I'm not putting this method (showing self control by making myself do difficult things) to any good use at all.

My brain is bouncing all around. I'm hoping that some day, I'll get on top of all this stupid over-analysis junk and just know the answers to the questions in my mind. Because I know the answers are there, I'm just so worried about everything, including the things that don't need worrying over, that I don't discover the answers very quickly.

Anyway, I couldn't turn Kuroshitsuji off until the end came. (LOONG TIME) and so now I can't go back to re-experience my stuck-to-my-computer moment, and I can't test my self-control.

Of course, there's PLENTY of other ways I could test my self-control. I'm complaining about "losing" (more like passing up) an easy way to try it-- in front of my computer-- the very epitome of my lack of self-control.

aaand I'm still here.

Very funny.

Well, I should be going.

A change of family atmosphere!

アニメ Minus Subtitles: Listening

I've been watching random animes on the internet lately that don't have subtitles. Sometimes it helps me listen to the Japanese better, and I also don't have to be looking at the screen, because I won't be able to "listen" either better either way, so I can do something else at the same time. Like, right now, I'm playing a special from Harukanaru Toki no naka de. (There are a lot of "related" shows for that one, it's confusing!!!)

Anyway, I notice a lot of things when I listen instead of watch, or at least watch without subtitles. It's kind of fun!

Boundaries: I'm Extending Too Far?

Also while under the subject of "listening", I'll mention ramble on at length about something new I'm doing. My mom and I were yelling and arguing with each other yesterday (Friday) and she said things that I actually listened to. I realized she's been trying to tell me things for a very long time, but I was just never listening. So that (listening) is something I need to do differently (more often). She was telling me how frustrated she is with how I respond to her sometimes. Mom will ask me to do something, or tell me to, or tell me not to do something. This might be to do the dishes, walk the dog, run an errand, quit filling the sink up with unsanitary raw egg drippings, or fetch her something, and usually it's important that I do it right THEN, or it's at least time-oriented. To that, I might argue, or argue about the methods, or say "after I've said no, you shouldn't cross the boundary by ordering me around further. Let me be in control of my own actions."

My Mother's Feelings

Although I had felt that my actions were justifiable, I suppose that maybe that isn't the point. I need to try to help keep peace around the house, more than I need to get people to do what I want or allow me to do what I want. I don't have to have everything my way, I mean, see?

No matter what my someone, my mother especially, asks me to do, it isn't worth it for me to cause an argument. That doesn't matter, if I truly want to stay in the house and live with everyone, and as a part of the family. I'm not treating them like I'm a part of them, I'm acting like I don't care and they're not connected to me (as family).

I ALSO need to remember that I mustn't expect to be listened to. Sometimes mom doesn't listen to me, just like I don't listen to her. It's normal to want to be heard, and in that process, you end up speaking while NOT listening to the other person. And when the other person doesn't listen to what you're trying to say, you never stop to listen, and then each person will never be satisfied because they haven't been heard, so they won't stop to listen to the other... kind of like war... and so it never stops.

So when I'm blabbering on about how I feel, I have to stop and say to myself, "Don't expect to be listened to. Blabbering WILL make it worse. Listen first, and if the other person seems ready to listen, then speak." Mostly, in my family, I'm going to need to do a lot of listening, and not speaking. It's really okay, I've argued enough that I've caused a lot of discord and really stressed everybody out.

Actually, that's what my mom was trying to explain, so far as I can tell, this is what she meant:
Cara, you are using your "sense of independence" against me illogically. You aren't acting like part of the family (though she didn't put it this way, this is how I understand it), you're acting like a rude house border who thinks she's got rights in areas that she completely doesn't. Your family and the people in charge of it are to be respected more than anyone else you know, and you're treating us like you're not even related to us. It's no wonder that we suggest you don't live here anymore, you don't seem to want to be part of the atmosphere anyway.

I've been hurting my mother's sense of command, too, and treating her rudely (rudely, as in, out of place, as if she doesn't have a right to tell me what to do, and it's belittling to her) and it's really caused serious damage to our relationship. I had been thinking that everything was going to be okay, but really, I need to change how I'm acting, take responsibility for my actions that relate to the way I treat my family, and accept my position as a daughter, who helps out when she's needed but accepts commands from mother and father. (Good for self-control, self-learning, introversion improvement.)

Giving Advice to Teddy

My little brother, who I'm worried about not having good diligence (studying and chores, sometimes) isn't going to change by me telling him what to do. If I do say anything, he doesn't believe me because I'm a bad example (REALLY) and it's also a bad thing because he doesn't feel like he has a lot of control over the things he actually does have control over. So I can't try to take control for him and expect that to be effective. I also can't try and change the way my mom raises him. The only thing I can do is be an example and listen to how he feels when we're around each other. No more giving unwanted advice from me, only action and responsibility for MYSELF will be taken!

Teddy-Arguments: telling me what to do, and then the pointless ones.

My brother likes to tell me what to do (like my parents actually have a right to, but he doesn't). He likes to be in control, and sometimes he makes requests that I haven't considered his territory, but mine. But maybe I'm holding on to my pride too much. What a waste of time! It's causing so much dispute in my family. I can't fix everything wrong that goes on in my family, but I can do MY part. I have to stop arguing with everybody. I don't need to take part in that anymore. We CAN find another way to communicate-- one that feels better.


Sometimes Teddy does this arguing-for-fun thing-- he'll tease, then actually say something accusatory for no reason at all. It goes like this.


Cara: Yum, toast.
Teddy: what are you LOOKING AT???!

That's the point where I could decide not to answer. It takes a lot of self control! Haha :) I'm used to answering his questions. We get in to silly debates (also slapping wars, wrestling matches, and chasing-ea.-other-around-house-yelling-or-sneaking-around-trying-2-scare-ea.-other-games). These silly debates sound like this:


Cara: so I learned today that "damn it" in Japanese is NOT ChikuSA, but ChikuSHO. You were wrong!
Teddy: YOU are absolutely WRONG. You can NEVER be right. Baka.

Cara: Well, I looked it up on Google translator. And I've watched way more anime than you.

Teddy: Well, how do you know that? How do you KNOW you've watched more anime than me?

Cara: Umm... well, you don't literally have enough time to watch as much as me. Because you go to school all day, practice two hours of violin, and you also play hours and hours of Xbox. Where would you have time? I never see you watching.

Teddy: How do you KNOW? You know NOTHING.

Cara: uhhhh---

Let me think, what should I do? As you can see, I have bad arguing tactics, and I don't speak the single strongest statement, but try to win by saying tons of things, which he uses against me. If I do actually make a statement that would help me win, Teddy says something irrational and nonsensical.

But even more, our arguments don't really have a point, and it doesn't matter who wins. They also are very annoying and loud for the other people living in our house. We're totally immature... but besides that, they would stop if I just didn't answer him. I've gotten used to doing that a little but, but sometimes I do argue. So I'm going to work on not answering when I see it is a pointless argument or one that Teddy won't be using real logic.

Real Implements to Make :)

1. For everyone in general, including my own benefit: Listen before you speak. Speak only if people really want to hear what you say. Basically, don't plan on saying anything. Just listen!

2. For Mom: have more respect for the people who are in charge. Make peace and harmony a priority. I'm to be like a submissive person, who lets other people tell me what to do most of the time, and only gives input when asked or when necessary.

3. For Teddy: listen, take action for myself and what I'm responsible for, and don't give unwanted advice.

4. Also: don't answer Teddy's illogical-ness. We can find something else fun to do besides arguing. Getting out of the habit completely is better; don't pretend that it's okay when no one is around to get annoyed. It's annoying to me, too. I don't have to participate. So don't answer at those times.

5. For me: respect myself, for myself. When I want to succeed at something (like losing weight, doing homework, practicing piano, WHATEVER--) I need STOP wondering what others think about me, and look through my OWN eyes and ask myself why I'm doing it and what I think and feel.