Hopefully one of the Final Lists. Comprehensive!

+++Here are the things I need to do to fix my life and take responsibility for things (i.e. the decisions I need to make, that I haven't been making, I suppose?).+++

1. start getting some things done every day, and accomplish this by doing that at set hours of the day instead of waiting till end of the day and doing them all at once or not getting them done. 

[This one includes solving my school problem -- getting good grades now, OR quitting now and just focusing on working at a new job I will find, making money so that I can quit work in the fall (sept. 2011 and focus just on school or have school and just a part time job.)]

2. don't use negative thoughts to motivate myself, and replace the "judgmental" negative ones with the opposite. (I had heard I shouldn't judge myself, but I didn't know what to do instead, so silly, right?)

3. this one uses #2. when it comes to starting a project, don't start with the thought that I might not finish. EXPECT to quit in the middle. This is what will happen anyway. INSTEAD of wat I usually do, get into the habit of starting, stopping, starting, stopping, and thinking positive thoughts throughout all that-- this is so I don't have to worry about expectations. I can't handle those expectations now, and I'd do okay without them.)

4. when I start having "worry spells" (? (: ) and I can't think straight because of it,  I have to develop a kind of tactic. first, I replace bad thoughts with positive ones-- like feeling happy about myself, accepting and enjoying my own character as is, and having hope, at least, if not hardcore belief, that I could succeed in whatever I'm attempting. This tactic is still evolving, I think there might be other things I could do. 

- immerse myself in a simple task, like breathing, or praying.

5. and, of course, really trying to read this list, and IMPLEMENT it. the IMPLEMENTATION is the part I always forget. ;)

6. 1 simple thing: do yr homework the night before and get enough sleep to wake up, or don't expect that it's possible to make it to class prepared; therefore you won't be going or have any homework done. (THAT IS WHAT WILL HAPPEN.)

THINGS FROM MY LAST BLOG THAT I WANT TO PUT INTO THIS ONE BUT I DON'T HAVE TIME TO YET:
I need to look at just the steps.

So, back to number one and two.
1. I am afraid, so I get anxious.
2. That's because I avoid making decisions.
3. THAT leads to it turning into a circle -- 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2....

I need to find a way to deal with fear when it hits me. I'm not always going to be prepared for things, and so fear is normal. I need to NOT hide, and instead FACE the problem.

When I do get anxious due to my fear, and I stop thinking straight, I have to figure out how to stop myself so that I can think again, and then deal with the fear.

I MUST FIGHT FOR THIS

When.

I thought of something. When I'm letting myself get carried away by something that distracts me, I just have to remember: what do I really want? Was this what I was planning on, or am I allowing my decisions to get changed, and pretending that I'm the one that changed those decisions?

(when I say distractions-- I'm referring to something that you love so much, but ends up taking away from the normal, good things, like life, a steady job, family, time with friends... happiness... I mean anything you can get addicted to, like anime for me. I won't involve drugs as if I know what that feels like, but I'm supposing it's the same principle.)

Yes, I'm allowing that-- a decision to be swept under me, my feet flying, my back hitting the cement, and I just lie there, lifeless-- but I don't have to, I'm the master of my decisions. I don't have to allow myself to be swayed in thought and action, not in a place where I'm the one in charge, the queen.

What do I really want? Did I want this? Do I now? Don't ask WHY-- ask, WHEN will I change this?

When.

Ground Zero: Depressed! Or Not!

I made a new goal list, in >>Ground Zero>>. I make new ones so much, I'm starting to doubt in their value. What if it's all hopeless-- that everything I try to do will never end up in the place I want it to be in? I try and try and try, but am I pushing against a brick wall-- and the wrong one, at that? Am I confused because I'm lost for a path, or am I lost only because I feel that way?

It's the latter, it must be! I'm not lost, I just think I am. Sometimes "trying harder" and "trying again" seem like the only answers available.

But there must be another one. I have tried harder, and again. "Third time's a charm" won't work this time, 'cause it's far past the third time!!! Am I lying to myself, and missing something essential?

I can look at my stupid goals list as many times as I want, but I don't know if that's a solution. It hasn't worked yet. It makes me want to cry.

There MUST be a solution. I might just make it.

I'm trying too hard... in the wrong way. I make lists like this, but it's hard to focus on all of things at once. I'm being too idealistic in thinking that my life will be perfect if I could just follow a list like that.

Right?

>:-[ 

I'm printing out that list, and I'm carrying it around my neck on a string. I'll do anything. I'm going to pray, too. Every time. Number nine. That is probably the obvious thing I'm missing.

There is no ideal, not really. I can't make it. Life is about aspiring for something you can't ever reach. For me, at least, as an idealist, I'll never get everything I want. But I can be happy with what I have, too. Time to reach for the stars.

Here I go. Again. I'm trying again. I will do this. I will fight. I'm going. Now.