Boring talking.

I don't have a lot in mind right now, so I'll just be reaching for words I think.

I just feel bad for not posting for a while, it's got to be some kind of crime to leave a post up for too long about Heroic Age, it will definitely get old.

So anyway, I haven't done anything new lately. Really. Here's to truth telling.

I don't have a job. I have something wrong with my foot (the toe joint I think? it's just kind of damage from too much Dance Dance Revolution stomping, and made worse by running). I also have extreme procrastination. Both those things I described are things I like to say are my excuses. But they don't matter. And now that I'm realizing that, consistently, daily, plus my dad's deadline "we'll help you *RELOCATE* if you don't get a job by september one" is moving my butt along. Thinking, at least.

AARRG!

I'm not angry :)  I'm WORRIED. About myself. And this book my counselor gave me about worrying has been hinting that worrying is just something you do to make yourself feel better when you should really think about how your feeling. So you can avoid your feelings by worrying? Haha, NOT COOL!

And that is what leads to my hesitation. Simple.

I mean, you know, kind of simple....!?!

Does anybody have any tips on how to FEEL like going to sleep when it's time? I have an aversion to it. A huge aversion. I need to just go to bed, just like I need to get a job.

Or better yet, tips on how to wake up even if you haven't had enough sleep. 

It's like I'm depressed, or something. No. It's like I'm depressed.

Listening to: BRIGHT RAiN by miku and a producer I don't know. Eeek so cool. oh, it's my blog playlist :)

Oh! I would really like to buy a lot of manga. I only buy it in Japanese, but unfortunately I can't even try to understand it, despite my strong belief in myself, it obviously means nothing to have hope in learning a language until its... learned, you can't read it. You can't PARTLY learn Japanese and understand manga, you have to FINISH learning Japanese first. Oh well. I don't care, I still want the rest of Black Butler, and all of these: Hanasakeru Seishonen, Paradise Kiss, Glass Mask, Fruits basket, Tegami Bachi, Skip Beat!, and White Album. I WAAANT them so this will be my motivation to go start working and saving money, hmmm?????? :)

Ah. My counselor also gave me info on how to call a nurse practitioner (?) about anxiety. I have lots I could say about what I think and why I might be a anxious person about certain things, but in short: I think pills might help, just to see how they change the way I think. Sometimes I think I need to calm down... :)

And. A sweet person on PianoStreet forum told me that I'm not old, and this person started his/her bachelors at 23 yrs old. YAY! SOB. CRY. :...........(

Kiichigo died. Also sad about that. His fishtank is in the storeroom. Lets see if I can type his name in Japanese, I've never done it before: 木苺 that doesn't look right...　google says it's right. It must be right. It means raspberry ^^

Thanks for reading. Bye. ♥

Shopping is Not a Bad Thing, Cara!

Okay, I'm setting new rules for my weight loss presents list. It's long and it has specific presents for various weights, right? Well, it's good to hold myself too that, but I haven't bought any manga and it's been a year since I started wanting to learn Japanese. For someone obsessed with anime like me, it's ESSENTIAL that I make MANGA part of my Japanese learning!!!!!

Hah. Okay.

Well, I bought the first and second Kuroshitsuji manga, and I don't really feel guilty about it. I really needed a pick me up. I'm going to remember this for next time: it is very important that I take care of my money and watch where it's going and save when I need to. However, I also need to make sure I don't restrict myself too ridiculously, either. I'm allowing myself to change the list and buy things ahead of time as needed, but when possible, to hold off buying and instead accomplish my goals first! C:

My "presents" for each goal is a fabulous idea, but I have been letting myself get carried away. I have a box on my shelf from Christmas that I haven't let myself open; in it, (along with books, movies, calendars for 2011... I just realized I should be using that o.o ... jewelry) I know I have a Nintendo lite DS I got for myself with which I could start learning some kanji-- but I haven't allowed myself to open that until I get a job.

I CAN DO THAT. So I'm okay with that restriction; that goal is within my reach-- within my power. As long as I keep the following in perspective, I'll be all right: I need to know what I'm capable of, and when I'm afraid, which of the two kinds of fear it is: a fear of something I can't handle, or the fear of my self not being able to handle it.