Emotions are strong. I have very strong emotions. My teacher at ASU said I had bad self control. To be ruled by emotions like that-- to CRY- ? - when your emotions boil hot or whirl in a snowstorm-- is a loss of self-control.
NO WAY!! I think differently! Emotions are beautiful! What is it that makes people think we need to hide emotions? What is it, Mr. Music Sensei, that is wrong with sparkling tears, welling up from your insides, reddening your face, making sad noises slip out of your mouth, pushed out by overwhelming feelings? What is wrong with red-hot anger? Is there something unexpected about the feeling of total confusion? Those are powerful emotions, and they are real. There's no reason to hide what you feel-- what exists inside your heart! Even if you don't want to share your feelings with those around you, USE THEM! Use those feelings burning inside you, don't hide them from yourself too. Those feelings could take you somewhere-- to a career, to true love, to new ideas, inventions, lights, shining tower-spires, beyond the clouds, blue space, and beyond to what humans do not comprehend!
And. To feel that welling up in your chest when you are sad or angry-- that is GOOD! It's LIVING. You SHOULD be astounded, bewildered, and staggered. If you know how to send those emotions in the right direction-- up and flying, instead of weighing you down, pulling-- then you can DO something with them!
I want to use my emotions, their strength, the colors I love in nature, music that sends me flying, the stories I love and the characters that remind me of real people, my anger about things I can't change, EVERYTHING!-- to go where I am meant to go!
Aaagh! Dramatic!! :) Good.
Hmm-- I don't need to change myself as much as I thought. I've found my strengths-- I can use those. I am good at randomly jumping into tasks? Okay then! I'll RANDOMLY JUMP. I'll hurry when I feel like it. I'll run when I want to RUN! I won't keep WORRYING when others think I'm wrong-- I'll do what I think I should. I'm going to let my emotions pull me! (With some common sense mixed in:) It doesn't have to be so hard, so thought out, or pre-analyzed. I can be... who I want to be. I can be pristine and on-time receptionist, or an artist who paints flowers on hillsides, or a video game addict. No. More. Worrying. It. will. be. okay.
I suppose not everybody feels this way. I am being a bit of a drama queen, I know. And if you don't feel this way, that's okay too. But ALL humans DO have emotions. They are there for feeling, not for ignoring. Where I grew up in America, or at least, from the people I know... it seems like we think emotions are more of a handicap and a distraction than anything else. Not cool.... :0
Friday, July 30, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Another New Layout!
ABOUT ME (at this time): Hey, I'm Cara. This is my thought-diary. I'm working on making the posts more coherent, and idea-centered, instead of being randomly thrown around and wispy like real thoughts usually are. I'm a curious girl. I want to understand things, but I don't. In my blog, I work through the stuff I don't get by writing down my thoughts. Right now: I'm working out getting a job, *sigh*, figuring out if my entire life is a failure, um... and plucking my true dreams from the dream-pool. I've come to realize recently... dreams are the kinds of things that most people think are crazy and impossible. If you want to be somebody unique, don't be afraid to go with what you REALLY want to do~!~ or... do you know? :)
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Letter to Marguerite in Greece!
Marguerite Marguerite Margueriiiiiiiite!!!! ha ha, I'm hyper. And I miss you! This is getting boring!!!
I'm going to have to get a job. I would really like to work as a waitress and an office assistant/receptionist, but if those two don't work, I just have to work at a nursing home again. I'm just SCAAARED... and getting references...??!!.... it's something I'm going to have to work on tomorrow. I will let you know what happens! By August, I should have a job or two. :) aaaaaahhh....
It's great how you have "no problem studying". I am getting to that point too... you know, it's weird? I think I didn't do well in school simply because... I didn't see the classes going in a direction I was passionate about. Basically... I didn't care about what I was doing. It's too bad I didn't figure it out sooner!
But being sure about your life-- and being sure about what you love-- it takes guts. You have to be really brave to be able to say, "I like this" and "this is something I wouldn't mind doing for the rest of my life". I mean, I feel so old already, and I am basically starting at the beginning of my college education again. I feel like the decisions I make need to be made very carefully, because I don't have a lot of time left.
That sounds dumb, I know, because I'm only twenty-one. But I really do need to make a lot of progress! I'm so behind. These are my priorities: :)
1) Working (after I find a job) in order to pay for my music degree, which I will finish later on.
2) Studies, every day!!!!
a. Bible (if I go teach in Japan, I have to know answers to questions about my religion)
b. Piano practice (and theory)
c. Japanese
d. read any books that help my reading comprehension! (it sucks.)
I can only spend money on Japanese materials and school. The money I make will be going to an account in Atlantis, so it's going to be far away-- and that's good! :)
Iiii'm exciiiteddd. heh heh.
You said you read the Time Traveler's Wife? I watched the movie. It made me cry. But I bet the book is better. I would have... directed the movie differently... hee hee. Well... I might have picked different people for the acting roles, too.... But it is a very, very good story!
You're right that being indecisive is part of my personality. I don't have to feel so terrible about it. I mean, I shouldn't. Being indecisive, or whatever it is that I am doing, is scary because I am always feeling like I'm doing the wrong thing, and that I'm not "passionate" enough about my career path. But being "passionate" isn't necessarily the right word for what people need in life. You aren't always going to feel passionate about your career! That's not what emotions are made of! Emotions are swirly with dark shadows and warm sunlight. You can't expect your "passion" to remain a constant, positive light, so that when you go in for an interview for the job you want, everything is clear and diamond solid. It would be nice for everything to make sense like that, and it definitely happens, but it's foolish to expect perfection and be angry about mistakes we make. Mistakes need to push you in a positive direction, not drag you down. Don't expect passion be tied around your waist, as thick as a tug-of-war rope, pulling you. Let passion take you slowly, like a stream's current pulling a leaf towards a river. That stream won't always be running along a creek-- it's going to end up at a waterfall!
I guess I'm saying... things like studying, I have to think of this way-- a thing where you practice a little every day (EVERY day)-- and you let yourself enjoy it! If you take it more slowly, the threads that tie you to that passion will become much stronger than if you tried to attach yourself to that passion, all at once. And of course, when it's fun, you succeed much better, without worries. That's how I'm trying to think of things that I want to succeed in.
Caleb sounds like a very nice friend. You don't have to tell him he's my future husband, but you can hint at it, if you like. He's going to have to accept it, sooner or later!
And I would LOVE to see you this summer! Summer is the best, most beautiful time.... *sigh* Maybe I can come visit you during the school year, too! Since I'm not in school, it won't as perilous to get away.
I wish I could come visit you in Greece. What beautiful memories you're making! I like old towns. They have maturity, you know? And Greece-- it's seen centuries! When we see each other this summer, I will tell you about Yosemite. We went there in June... we saw waterfalls and huge sequoias.... We have pictures!
Do your best in Greek! I'm happy you're pleased with your success so far. In Japanese... ummmm... Let me look it up.
Ganbatte, ne? Do your best, okay? (Without the ne, you just have "do your best"). It's also good in place of where we would say, "Good luck" or "You're going to do great".
It looks like this. 頑張って ね. Probably. And you say it like... "gahn-bah-TAE, nay?" well, it's across between saying "neh" and "nay". Which also stands for "hey". Ney. Hey. ha ha ha-- sorry....
I don't really know all those Japanese symbols yet. (Your computer might not have the capability to read those symbols anyway.) I haven't actually learned the Japanese alphabet yet, so I'm not really that far along. However, I do watch a lot of anime, so I'm doing well at recognizing certain words, how to pronounce their accent, and the pitches of the words. It's so much fun!!!!
So like I was trying to say until I got off track, 頑張って! I love you Marguerite!
XOXO.
♣Cara♣
I'm going to have to get a job. I would really like to work as a waitress and an office assistant/receptionist, but if those two don't work, I just have to work at a nursing home again. I'm just SCAAARED... and getting references...??!!.... it's something I'm going to have to work on tomorrow. I will let you know what happens! By August, I should have a job or two. :) aaaaaahhh....
It's great how you have "no problem studying". I am getting to that point too... you know, it's weird? I think I didn't do well in school simply because... I didn't see the classes going in a direction I was passionate about. Basically... I didn't care about what I was doing. It's too bad I didn't figure it out sooner!
But being sure about your life-- and being sure about what you love-- it takes guts. You have to be really brave to be able to say, "I like this" and "this is something I wouldn't mind doing for the rest of my life". I mean, I feel so old already, and I am basically starting at the beginning of my college education again. I feel like the decisions I make need to be made very carefully, because I don't have a lot of time left.
That sounds dumb, I know, because I'm only twenty-one. But I really do need to make a lot of progress! I'm so behind. These are my priorities: :)
1) Working (after I find a job) in order to pay for my music degree, which I will finish later on.
2) Studies, every day!!!!
a. Bible (if I go teach in Japan, I have to know answers to questions about my religion)
b. Piano practice (and theory)
c. Japanese
d. read any books that help my reading comprehension! (it sucks.)
I can only spend money on Japanese materials and school. The money I make will be going to an account in Atlantis, so it's going to be far away-- and that's good! :)
Iiii'm exciiiteddd. heh heh.
You said you read the Time Traveler's Wife? I watched the movie. It made me cry. But I bet the book is better. I would have... directed the movie differently... hee hee. Well... I might have picked different people for the acting roles, too.... But it is a very, very good story!
You're right that being indecisive is part of my personality. I don't have to feel so terrible about it. I mean, I shouldn't. Being indecisive, or whatever it is that I am doing, is scary because I am always feeling like I'm doing the wrong thing, and that I'm not "passionate" enough about my career path. But being "passionate" isn't necessarily the right word for what people need in life. You aren't always going to feel passionate about your career! That's not what emotions are made of! Emotions are swirly with dark shadows and warm sunlight. You can't expect your "passion" to remain a constant, positive light, so that when you go in for an interview for the job you want, everything is clear and diamond solid. It would be nice for everything to make sense like that, and it definitely happens, but it's foolish to expect perfection and be angry about mistakes we make. Mistakes need to push you in a positive direction, not drag you down. Don't expect passion be tied around your waist, as thick as a tug-of-war rope, pulling you. Let passion take you slowly, like a stream's current pulling a leaf towards a river. That stream won't always be running along a creek-- it's going to end up at a waterfall!
I guess I'm saying... things like studying, I have to think of this way-- a thing where you practice a little every day (EVERY day)-- and you let yourself enjoy it! If you take it more slowly, the threads that tie you to that passion will become much stronger than if you tried to attach yourself to that passion, all at once. And of course, when it's fun, you succeed much better, without worries. That's how I'm trying to think of things that I want to succeed in.
Caleb sounds like a very nice friend. You don't have to tell him he's my future husband, but you can hint at it, if you like. He's going to have to accept it, sooner or later!
And I would LOVE to see you this summer! Summer is the best, most beautiful time.... *sigh* Maybe I can come visit you during the school year, too! Since I'm not in school, it won't as perilous to get away.
I wish I could come visit you in Greece. What beautiful memories you're making! I like old towns. They have maturity, you know? And Greece-- it's seen centuries! When we see each other this summer, I will tell you about Yosemite. We went there in June... we saw waterfalls and huge sequoias.... We have pictures!
Do your best in Greek! I'm happy you're pleased with your success so far. In Japanese... ummmm... Let me look it up.
Ganbatte, ne? Do your best, okay? (Without the ne, you just have "do your best"). It's also good in place of where we would say, "Good luck" or "You're going to do great".
It looks like this. 頑張って ね. Probably. And you say it like... "gahn-bah-TAE, nay?" well, it's across between saying "neh" and "nay". Which also stands for "hey". Ney. Hey. ha ha ha-- sorry....
I don't really know all those Japanese symbols yet. (Your computer might not have the capability to read those symbols anyway.) I haven't actually learned the Japanese alphabet yet, so I'm not really that far along. However, I do watch a lot of anime, so I'm doing well at recognizing certain words, how to pronounce their accent, and the pitches of the words. It's so much fun!!!!
So like I was trying to say until I got off track, 頑張って! I love you Marguerite!
XOXO.
♣Cara♣
Monday, July 26, 2010
Short Me-summary! [Conceited Me-talk!]
... As if I hadn't been doing that the whole time.... :)
Okie dokie everybody! I have an actual comment on my blog (!), and so I'm going to type a teeny summary about me, since I never put it in my "about me" section... but maybe I should!? naw, too long.
--> I've just left college unfinished. I barely believe in myself anymore. I just completely gave up and failed with the worst grades possible. Actually... I got addicted to TV and let myself be taken away with it instead of facing the problems I was causing myself. I have very bad self control. So NOW, I'm re-wiring my time management, self-control, and self-confidence.
In the past, I've worked in care-homes for elderly, and as a sales representative. I was fine at both jobs. I'd like a job as a receptionist now, but it looks like jobs aren't too available... I have yet to look. :) (I procrastinate. I am a BIG scaredy-cat.)
My important things: get a job, practice piano, learn Japanese, study the Bible. I really want to make these my priorities, all kind of important in their own way, things I don't forget for a single day.
Also, I live in a family of four, with married parents and a teenage brother. I'm a 7th-day adventist, my whole life, and I've made it one of my goals to learn about God so I understand WHY I believe what my church believes, instead of just "going along" with those principles.
About my religion.... Seventh-day adventists might be considered similar to Baptists. We're very biblically-based, and our trademark is "Ellen White", no jewelry, haystacks, no dancing... I'm just naming archaic stereotypes, of course. (It's a joke, a JOKE!!!) Ask me, if you want to know! I think our denomination has some really great ideas, good people, and I've gone to our schools my whole life, and I really like it. But really, the difference in religion, to me, is the way people interpret God. Some ideas that differ from 7th-day adventism are deadly incorrect, while some SDA principles SHOULD be looked at in a different way. I DO think our beliefs are correct, but I know that bringing up arguments isn't the best way to get people's attention at first glance. However, it's GOOD to QUESTION things! Tradition should be examined. But mostly, I just really believe in loving others, like Jesus says to do. :)
I am a confused, indecisive person... and conceited. I never know whether I am myself because I really am, or I just think that. I am stubborn, emotional, and I have a temper when it comes to family. I wish I was a calmer person, but I'm not. :) I can pretend well, though.... I lie to myself a lot-- that's how I got bad grades, because I hid from what I was doing. I do it now, even today. I want to travel the world. I want to communicate with people. I'm curious. I love understanding things, especially emotion.
Oh, and I am easily addicted to TV and activities like writing, or organizing, and I'm lazy.... I wish I had lots of money and influence, but at the same time, I want to be a good person who doesn't, you know, deserve death for her complete SELFISHNESS (partly 'cause I do care about others, so it's confusing.) I don't know what else to write....
Uhhh. Maybe too much information? Anyway. I don't know what else to write about me. Mr. Johnny, let me know if that is something to start with? Thanks!
Okie dokie everybody! I have an actual comment on my blog (!), and so I'm going to type a teeny summary about me, since I never put it in my "about me" section... but maybe I should!? naw, too long.
--> I've just left college unfinished. I barely believe in myself anymore. I just completely gave up and failed with the worst grades possible. Actually... I got addicted to TV and let myself be taken away with it instead of facing the problems I was causing myself. I have very bad self control. So NOW, I'm re-wiring my time management, self-control, and self-confidence.
In the past, I've worked in care-homes for elderly, and as a sales representative. I was fine at both jobs. I'd like a job as a receptionist now, but it looks like jobs aren't too available... I have yet to look. :) (I procrastinate. I am a BIG scaredy-cat.)
My important things: get a job, practice piano, learn Japanese, study the Bible. I really want to make these my priorities, all kind of important in their own way, things I don't forget for a single day.
Also, I live in a family of four, with married parents and a teenage brother. I'm a 7th-day adventist, my whole life, and I've made it one of my goals to learn about God so I understand WHY I believe what my church believes, instead of just "going along" with those principles.
About my religion.... Seventh-day adventists might be considered similar to Baptists. We're very biblically-based, and our trademark is "Ellen White", no jewelry, haystacks, no dancing... I'm just naming archaic stereotypes, of course. (It's a joke, a JOKE!!!) Ask me, if you want to know! I think our denomination has some really great ideas, good people, and I've gone to our schools my whole life, and I really like it. But really, the difference in religion, to me, is the way people interpret God. Some ideas that differ from 7th-day adventism are deadly incorrect, while some SDA principles SHOULD be looked at in a different way. I DO think our beliefs are correct, but I know that bringing up arguments isn't the best way to get people's attention at first glance. However, it's GOOD to QUESTION things! Tradition should be examined. But mostly, I just really believe in loving others, like Jesus says to do. :)
I am a confused, indecisive person... and conceited. I never know whether I am myself because I really am, or I just think that. I am stubborn, emotional, and I have a temper when it comes to family. I wish I was a calmer person, but I'm not. :) I can pretend well, though.... I lie to myself a lot-- that's how I got bad grades, because I hid from what I was doing. I do it now, even today. I want to travel the world. I want to communicate with people. I'm curious. I love understanding things, especially emotion.
Oh, and I am easily addicted to TV and activities like writing, or organizing, and I'm lazy.... I wish I had lots of money and influence, but at the same time, I want to be a good person who doesn't, you know, deserve death for her complete SELFISHNESS (partly 'cause I do care about others, so it's confusing.) I don't know what else to write....
Uhhh. Maybe too much information? Anyway. I don't know what else to write about me. Mr. Johnny, let me know if that is something to start with? Thanks!
Purple, Swirly, Smoky Clouds of Dreams!
I'm upset. I want to be rich! I want to be an influential, powerful person! Maybe I should learn to spell influential first. (I cheated with spell check. I was spelling it with a "c" instead of a "t".)
It draws me in so strongly. (I was watching the anime Ouran High School Host Club. *sigh* That's why. And I won't concede that that's a silly reason. It was beautiful, I almost cried.)
I'm also upset that I'm never going to be anything in life and I've failed at everything and I have to start completely over. Of course, this isn't true, but I feel sad because I'm twenty-one, and I haven't done well in college. From the standpoint of someone else, this is truly a bad thing. I keep looking at it from that standpoint.
How can you be rich and influential if you're not born into one of those rich families with a huge amount of ... I dunno, history?, or even better, business skills where they do everything right and gain a ton of wealth simply by their smart-ness? Smart-ness, I mean, plus all that great charisma and friend-making skills. I suppose you have to be really confident, too.
I was just thinking... everybody likes music, but what is the most you can do with it? It's a valuable skill, but teaching music is still just teaching music. It's not a skill where you have to have to have a lot of intelligence... I think... I think it's really easy.... I just... I don't know if it's as deep as some things I wish I could do as a career. But I don't know how I could do anything else, not with my past.
I'm depressed. About this, not life in general. :) I know I'm being silly and vain. I don't want to be like this. But I want to do something really big. I can't settle for being one in the masses of all the people on earth.
You know why it bothers me to think of how big the world's population has gotten? Because it makes me SMALLER! It's very selfish, but it's exactly what I'm thinking. It makes me mad that I think that, but at the same time, I want to relish the feeling of irritation at feeling small. I'm tired of feeling small, and I want to fight back. But it's so selfish, to fight for a place in the world on only that notion. Is that really my only motivation?
If I think about it like "it bothers me to be smaller than other people", it's easy to acknowledge that the way to solve this problem is to think of other people as equal to me. Once I do that, I immediately feel better. It's okay, I realize to myself. I don't have to make money or get some prestigious job to make myself feel special. We're all the same.
BUT WE'RE NOT ALL THE SAME!!! Isn't it just me, consoling myself for my boring-ness, when I try to equalize all people in my mind? To make myself feel equally as cool as those people who I admire, because they're "not any better than me"?
I don't know how to solve this problem, except to do my best in the world, and stop thinking I have to become some leader of something.
Anyway, none of these things are really unattainable. I have no idea what I'm capable of yet! And why? Because I haven't tried yet! That's why I can't answer this question... or "solve this problem", like I said above... because I don't know the future. I'm worrying over something I can't predict. I need to become the best at whatever I CAN. If that means I should start with piano, then I will. I must enjoy life as much as possible, while doing my best, and FORGET REGRETS.
Something else. I'm downplaying a career choice (piano) when I say it's not worth going for just because it's "easy". But that's not the point. Just because it doesn't require chemistry doesn't mean music is "easy"!!! It's very difficult, what am I talking about?! There's ninth-chords and improvisation and complex other things I don't know about! Not to mention TEACHING, which is an entire OTHER field. Teaching is a valuable profession, and I already know I'm good with kids. I've got to get off this kick. My career path is perfect for me. Slowly, slowly, I'll stop bringing this up, hopefully, until I don't doubt myself so seriously.
The other night (I was getting ready for bed) and I thought, I'm going to do it. All I have is what I enjoy. I obviously can't be a doctor, because if I don't want to do it, it's going to be just about impossible for me. I can do something that I enjoy, however. I want love. I want to find a place to live that is beautiful, and to be happy wherever I am, because it's my home. I want to be able to support myself with a paycheck and be happy with the amount I get. I should include piano. I think piano is a dream of mine, but much more subconscious. (The piano is so beautiful to me, I am afraid of it.) I think I want to write, too. And read! And enjoy life. And... explore the world.... So I'm going to become a pianist, and I'll perform, teach, or compose. And I'm going to learn Japanese, and go to Japan. I'm going to do my best. I have to, if I want to reach ANY of these dreams-- I have to. Like Ichigo says. I'll use my anime, and my Bible (a new habit... um... a not yet formed habit) to inspire running for these dreams, and my drive to touch them, and to take them into my hands, and keep them. And then those dreams will inspire me to find even more dreams.
Ha. I don't have to have just one!
It draws me in so strongly. (I was watching the anime Ouran High School Host Club. *sigh* That's why. And I won't concede that that's a silly reason. It was beautiful, I almost cried.)
I'm also upset that I'm never going to be anything in life and I've failed at everything and I have to start completely over. Of course, this isn't true, but I feel sad because I'm twenty-one, and I haven't done well in college. From the standpoint of someone else, this is truly a bad thing. I keep looking at it from that standpoint.
How can you be rich and influential if you're not born into one of those rich families with a huge amount of ... I dunno, history?, or even better, business skills where they do everything right and gain a ton of wealth simply by their smart-ness? Smart-ness, I mean, plus all that great charisma and friend-making skills. I suppose you have to be really confident, too.
I was just thinking... everybody likes music, but what is the most you can do with it? It's a valuable skill, but teaching music is still just teaching music. It's not a skill where you have to have to have a lot of intelligence... I think... I think it's really easy.... I just... I don't know if it's as deep as some things I wish I could do as a career. But I don't know how I could do anything else, not with my past.
I'm depressed. About this, not life in general. :) I know I'm being silly and vain. I don't want to be like this. But I want to do something really big. I can't settle for being one in the masses of all the people on earth.
You know why it bothers me to think of how big the world's population has gotten? Because it makes me SMALLER! It's very selfish, but it's exactly what I'm thinking. It makes me mad that I think that, but at the same time, I want to relish the feeling of irritation at feeling small. I'm tired of feeling small, and I want to fight back. But it's so selfish, to fight for a place in the world on only that notion. Is that really my only motivation?
If I think about it like "it bothers me to be smaller than other people", it's easy to acknowledge that the way to solve this problem is to think of other people as equal to me. Once I do that, I immediately feel better. It's okay, I realize to myself. I don't have to make money or get some prestigious job to make myself feel special. We're all the same.
BUT WE'RE NOT ALL THE SAME!!! Isn't it just me, consoling myself for my boring-ness, when I try to equalize all people in my mind? To make myself feel equally as cool as those people who I admire, because they're "not any better than me"?
I don't know how to solve this problem, except to do my best in the world, and stop thinking I have to become some leader of something.
Anyway, none of these things are really unattainable. I have no idea what I'm capable of yet! And why? Because I haven't tried yet! That's why I can't answer this question... or "solve this problem", like I said above... because I don't know the future. I'm worrying over something I can't predict. I need to become the best at whatever I CAN. If that means I should start with piano, then I will. I must enjoy life as much as possible, while doing my best, and FORGET REGRETS.
Something else. I'm downplaying a career choice (piano) when I say it's not worth going for just because it's "easy". But that's not the point. Just because it doesn't require chemistry doesn't mean music is "easy"!!! It's very difficult, what am I talking about?! There's ninth-chords and improvisation and complex other things I don't know about! Not to mention TEACHING, which is an entire OTHER field. Teaching is a valuable profession, and I already know I'm good with kids. I've got to get off this kick. My career path is perfect for me. Slowly, slowly, I'll stop bringing this up, hopefully, until I don't doubt myself so seriously.
The other night (I was getting ready for bed) and I thought, I'm going to do it. All I have is what I enjoy. I obviously can't be a doctor, because if I don't want to do it, it's going to be just about impossible for me. I can do something that I enjoy, however. I want love. I want to find a place to live that is beautiful, and to be happy wherever I am, because it's my home. I want to be able to support myself with a paycheck and be happy with the amount I get. I should include piano. I think piano is a dream of mine, but much more subconscious. (The piano is so beautiful to me, I am afraid of it.) I think I want to write, too. And read! And enjoy life. And... explore the world.... So I'm going to become a pianist, and I'll perform, teach, or compose. And I'm going to learn Japanese, and go to Japan. I'm going to do my best. I have to, if I want to reach ANY of these dreams-- I have to. Like Ichigo says. I'll use my anime, and my Bible (a new habit... um... a not yet formed habit) to inspire running for these dreams, and my drive to touch them, and to take them into my hands, and keep them. And then those dreams will inspire me to find even more dreams.
Ha. I don't have to have just one!
The End?
I'm afraid I need to delete my blog. I feel like writing things down needs to be for an audience. Without an audience, there's no point; I could just think instead.
Thinking, now, that's an efficient process! Since thinking is it more difficult than talking out loud, due to the speed and freedom through which one can get distracted or lose focus-- doing so frequently, especially when it's hard thinking, can lead to much better control over your own mind. When people joke that someone doesn't do a lot of thinking-- "he never thinks", "she's not much of a thinker", they may actually be describing someone who (fairly or unfairly) doesn't appear to be intelligent due to lack of self-control. Of course, importance of self-control really depends on your opinion....
Anyways. uh. There you go. I have bad self-control. That's why I profess to know so much about it. It's only me who thinks I'm intelligent on this subject, I'm sure no one else would agree with me! Arrrgggg! Shut up, Cara. You're not helping.
Oh, sorry! Don't listen to me....
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I think I'm wasting time typing when I could just take my thoughts to heart. I don't feel like I'm doing that now.
I had some rules, though, that I wanted to bring up, about blogging. Maybe I should use those before I go nuts and delete everything. (After printing it out, of course. I'm not absolutely crazy. Or am I, too keep all this blathering? No. It's not blathering, it's valuable to me, if no one else! :)
I'm probably just not doing it right. Writing is very important to me. Burning my bridge by throwing away this method of writing (blogging) isn't necessarily the answer, I just need to approach it differently, instead of going for it randomly and purposelessly like I've been doing.
K. Here's what I need to do next time.
1. approach a blog entry with a specific topic in mind, and cover just that. Only. That's all. Then, you can have a real title!
2. Be more concise. Write what you mean, without what you don't. Try writing entries in a less relaxed mood, (number 1) where you are writing for a reason, not just as a diary entry. Diaries are too slow a method for thoughts, they should be more polished. Or at least, my diaries will be.
3. Take entries thoughts with me, or it's all for nothing. That's an exaggeration, if someone ever reads my writing. But in theory, this is true - and even more, if my writing doesn't benefit me, how can I expect it to benefit others? I need to take it more seriously and not write for others' approval, but my own approval. Then, I can believe in the respect others may have for me.
No deleting blog. Reformatting of future entries is all.
Thinking, now, that's an efficient process! Since thinking is it more difficult than talking out loud, due to the speed and freedom through which one can get distracted or lose focus-- doing so frequently, especially when it's hard thinking, can lead to much better control over your own mind. When people joke that someone doesn't do a lot of thinking-- "he never thinks", "she's not much of a thinker", they may actually be describing someone who (fairly or unfairly) doesn't appear to be intelligent due to lack of self-control. Of course, importance of self-control really depends on your opinion....
Anyways. uh. There you go. I have bad self-control. That's why I profess to know so much about it. It's only me who thinks I'm intelligent on this subject, I'm sure no one else would agree with me! Arrrgggg! Shut up, Cara. You're not helping.
Oh, sorry! Don't listen to me....
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I think I'm wasting time typing when I could just take my thoughts to heart. I don't feel like I'm doing that now.
I had some rules, though, that I wanted to bring up, about blogging. Maybe I should use those before I go nuts and delete everything. (After printing it out, of course. I'm not absolutely crazy. Or am I, too keep all this blathering? No. It's not blathering, it's valuable to me, if no one else! :)
I'm probably just not doing it right. Writing is very important to me. Burning my bridge by throwing away this method of writing (blogging) isn't necessarily the answer, I just need to approach it differently, instead of going for it randomly and purposelessly like I've been doing.
K. Here's what I need to do next time.
1. approach a blog entry with a specific topic in mind, and cover just that. Only. That's all. Then, you can have a real title!
2. Be more concise. Write what you mean, without what you don't. Try writing entries in a less relaxed mood, (number 1) where you are writing for a reason, not just as a diary entry. Diaries are too slow a method for thoughts, they should be more polished. Or at least, my diaries will be.
3. Take entries thoughts with me, or it's all for nothing. That's an exaggeration, if someone ever reads my writing. But in theory, this is true - and even more, if my writing doesn't benefit me, how can I expect it to benefit others? I need to take it more seriously and not write for others' approval, but my own approval. Then, I can believe in the respect others may have for me.
No deleting blog. Reformatting of future entries is all.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Practicing and Training to be Better!
So, it is really hard to remember the stuff I wrote last night! I mean, I get it, but I forget to use it when I'm having a conversation with someone. I'm going to work on it like this: whenever I feel myself getting upset with someone, I have to stop and think of the person I'm talking with as someone who feels a lot like me. Of course, it's bad to assume I UNDERSTAND how they feel and all that, because that would be rude and likely incorrect. I just mean that I need to remember that they are human, just like me, and they have feelings and inner thoughts and sudden human reactions and feelings to the things I say.
Basically, I need to be more TACTFUL and SENSITIVE toward the other person's own sensitivity! I also need to respect them like I respect myself. I thought I was doing a good job of these things, but I really wasn't.
Basically, I need to be more TACTFUL and SENSITIVE toward the other person's own sensitivity! I also need to respect them like I respect myself. I thought I was doing a good job of these things, but I really wasn't.
Angry With Parents!!!
Reach by:
18-24: -3=177.4?
25-31: -2=174.4?
haircut, after one week of 175. That will be later. :) Detail here:
4-10 avg:
11-17 avg:
18-24 avg:
25-31 avg:
I'm looking at my weight loss goals, in a notepad document I keep on my PC desktop. (Above)
It's frustrating not to have belief in yourself. Or not having belief from other people. But maybe that's part of growing up. What do you do when people don't trust you anymore?-- when they seem to think it's necessary to remind you of things you were planning to do yourself, whether they had reminded you or not?
Is it bad to get annoyed when people remind me of things?
What I mean when I complain about this is those reminders your parents give you, like "do the dishes" or "clean your room". Except this is on a bigger scale; it's "get a job". Which is good. And I think I'm just being stubborn when I get annoyed with the reminder.
I think I get annoyed because (1) I'm having trouble doing exactly that task, mostly because I'm scared, and hesitant, and procrastinating, and (2) I feel that if they have to remind me, they must not believe I can do it. (I don't literally mean NO belief, just not a LOT of belief. Or, not very solid faith.) Their mistrust is not unfounded; it is completely understandable. That must be what makes me mad-- I'm mad at myself, not them. But I pretend that it's their fault. Here I go, blaming other people for stuff that only I can fix--it's not their fault, it's mine!
It's really simple. I need to do what they say. It would solve all problems.
Also, I am thinking about this in such detail because it bothers me-- the way they're treating me. At first, I thought, they should treat me like a grown-up. How can I go through my grown-up activities if they're treating me like a kid all the time? How can I grow up if they won't stop trying to help me?
It's a pretty good argument. But if I can come up with the thoughts to muster that argument, I actually am able enough to brush past their help and do what they want and need me to, but independently. But that's the confusing part. Should I accept their help instead? It's hard. See, this is the problem: I'm trying to stand on my own, desperately-- it's the confusing part in my life where the decisions I have before me are slowly teetering on the edge of morphing into action. I am just ready to take the step to make that move, in the correct direction, and they come onstage and order me around. Don't they want me to do it myself?
But they can't see it that way. They just think, oh. Cara's not ready for all this yet, she is taking so long to get what needs to get done done, we may as well direct her. She's not ready to be on her own yet, we'll just push her in the right direction.
But it's that pushing that I don't want, I don't need. It's that pushing that keeps me from pushing myself. I need to push myself. And I don't want them to push me to push myself, because then I feel like it wasn't me doing it. I need to do it myself!!
You know what the real problem is? If I continue with this attitude, I'll NEED to be on my own, because it's driving me crazy to be "helped". I can't accept help. Or at least I won't, or I haven't.
So, either I start accepting the help they're offering their DEPENDENT daughter-- that's a fair statement-- or I become independent. I can't stand here and complain that they should treat me like an adult if I'm not going to take it ALL the way and actually BE one. Unless I really do that-- move out of my parent's house and pay for rent myself-- then I don't deserve to have this independent attitude. That attitude doesn't fit with the situation I've allowed myself to remain in. At this time, moving out would be the rational decision.
Which is ridiculous. It sounds better, now, and probably to many teenagers too, but I want to be successful in life-- and staying with my parents is a much more efficient way to get a good education, because I don't have to pay rent somewhere. Rent is a total waste of money, it goes nowhere. Besides, I don't want to live by myself! That sounds lousy, to me.
I am one confused girl! I argue with the people who are supporting me, saying I should be in charge, but I don't actually take charge, because I don't want all that comes with it.
Okay, I need to DEAL and stop arguing with them. :) Even if they don't understand completely how I feel and make me feel angry in a conversation by telling me to stop trying to understand what's going on, I've got to just shut up. Me trying to comprehend and "work out the problem" is usually what morphs into an argument on my part. I have such a temper and a stubborn let-me-do-it-my-own-way kind of attitude. I have got to just shut up! It is NOT a big deal if I don't get my way. Everything will be fine.
And it's okay not to be perfect all on your own. I stand with the help of others.
I can't get myself to like that image.
When I imagine myself in a relationship, like marriage, I imagine myself leaning on someone, and I love that idea. Because I never let myself lean on anyone. Ha. So it sounds glorious. But I'm not letting myself lean on my family. Why do I fight it so much now? It would be so much easier.
I would say, maybe, that fighting my personality isn't good--maybe I SHOULD go and be independent-- but it's too scary for me, and for good reason. I really wouldn't do well in that world. Or would I? The problem is, I lack friends. Normally, I'd think it's difficult to get through life without friends. I mean, so I've heard... you're supposed to have people to hang out with. (And there you go, it's another support system.) But I was trying to argue against a support system? It's not necessarily true; I could go live on my own-- and really BE on my own. I don't have to have ANY friends.
But honestly, I don't feel like that's the best decision-- not because I wouldn't like to be alone for once-- but because I know that it's hard to make any sort of difference in the world if you don't know how to get along with people, and to enjoy people's company.
I'd like to get better at that. In fact, it's one of my far-off goals. Maybe now is the time to work on it. This is my opportunity. (That's why I don't want to give up and just move out. I don't think it's the right solution, in the end, because it's the easy way out of the problem. I don't want to make the problem go away, I want to FIX it.)
Yes! That's my problem! I'm terrible at getting to know people BECAUSE OF my inability to lean on others... and therefore, of course, I can't help others by letting THEM lean on ME! Which is a great reason for why I don't easily make friends. :I
ohhhh. I get it!
This is just another challenge-- I've got to do these things to be a better person, and in order to stop being such a boring, awful family member and friend.
1) Let my parents help me. Accept advice and allow myself to lean on other people when I need it.
2) Help others. Become responsible and caring for how others could be feeling-- imagine how I would feel in that person's position-- I'd be in need a listening ear, advice when I've asked for it, and general help and support.
Basically, I need to work on my responsiveness in relationships--let others help me, because I DO need it. Help others, NOT because they are pathetic, but because they feel just like me.
It is NOT pathetic to need help. It is NOT SAD or ABNORMAL. It's HUMAN. EVERYBODY needs HELP-- it's like a melody. A note hanging in the air, all by itself, is nothing but a pitch. But with two notes, three notes, twenty notes, it goes somewhere. It can rise above mountains. People need each other. Now I'm going to remember this, and stop being an idiot.
Oh boy. If there is anybody, ever, reading this, please tell me what you think. I'd love comments. 'Cause I don't know what I'm doing! An outside perspective... as in, outside of my confusing head... would really help. (Seriously, all I can see in here is swirling clouds of steam.) Ha ha. I feel kind of silly. It doesn't seem like anyone would want to read this! I have bad confidence, but I suspect that this is really just a lot of rambling. But I mustn't worry about that! Rambling is helpful to me. okay okay okay. I'm going to bed NOW.
18-24: -3=177.4?
25-31: -2=174.4?
haircut, after one week of 175. That will be later. :) Detail here:
4-10 avg:
11-17 avg:
18-24 avg:
25-31 avg:
I'm looking at my weight loss goals, in a notepad document I keep on my PC desktop. (Above)
It's frustrating not to have belief in yourself. Or not having belief from other people. But maybe that's part of growing up. What do you do when people don't trust you anymore?-- when they seem to think it's necessary to remind you of things you were planning to do yourself, whether they had reminded you or not?
Is it bad to get annoyed when people remind me of things?
What I mean when I complain about this is those reminders your parents give you, like "do the dishes" or "clean your room". Except this is on a bigger scale; it's "get a job". Which is good. And I think I'm just being stubborn when I get annoyed with the reminder.
I think I get annoyed because (1) I'm having trouble doing exactly that task, mostly because I'm scared, and hesitant, and procrastinating, and (2) I feel that if they have to remind me, they must not believe I can do it. (I don't literally mean NO belief, just not a LOT of belief. Or, not very solid faith.) Their mistrust is not unfounded; it is completely understandable. That must be what makes me mad-- I'm mad at myself, not them. But I pretend that it's their fault. Here I go, blaming other people for stuff that only I can fix--it's not their fault, it's mine!
It's really simple. I need to do what they say. It would solve all problems.
Also, I am thinking about this in such detail because it bothers me-- the way they're treating me. At first, I thought, they should treat me like a grown-up. How can I go through my grown-up activities if they're treating me like a kid all the time? How can I grow up if they won't stop trying to help me?
It's a pretty good argument. But if I can come up with the thoughts to muster that argument, I actually am able enough to brush past their help and do what they want and need me to, but independently. But that's the confusing part. Should I accept their help instead? It's hard. See, this is the problem: I'm trying to stand on my own, desperately-- it's the confusing part in my life where the decisions I have before me are slowly teetering on the edge of morphing into action. I am just ready to take the step to make that move, in the correct direction, and they come onstage and order me around. Don't they want me to do it myself?
But they can't see it that way. They just think, oh. Cara's not ready for all this yet, she is taking so long to get what needs to get done done, we may as well direct her. She's not ready to be on her own yet, we'll just push her in the right direction.
But it's that pushing that I don't want, I don't need. It's that pushing that keeps me from pushing myself. I need to push myself. And I don't want them to push me to push myself, because then I feel like it wasn't me doing it. I need to do it myself!!
You know what the real problem is? If I continue with this attitude, I'll NEED to be on my own, because it's driving me crazy to be "helped". I can't accept help. Or at least I won't, or I haven't.
So, either I start accepting the help they're offering their DEPENDENT daughter-- that's a fair statement-- or I become independent. I can't stand here and complain that they should treat me like an adult if I'm not going to take it ALL the way and actually BE one. Unless I really do that-- move out of my parent's house and pay for rent myself-- then I don't deserve to have this independent attitude. That attitude doesn't fit with the situation I've allowed myself to remain in. At this time, moving out would be the rational decision.
Which is ridiculous. It sounds better, now, and probably to many teenagers too, but I want to be successful in life-- and staying with my parents is a much more efficient way to get a good education, because I don't have to pay rent somewhere. Rent is a total waste of money, it goes nowhere. Besides, I don't want to live by myself! That sounds lousy, to me.
I am one confused girl! I argue with the people who are supporting me, saying I should be in charge, but I don't actually take charge, because I don't want all that comes with it.
Okay, I need to DEAL and stop arguing with them. :) Even if they don't understand completely how I feel and make me feel angry in a conversation by telling me to stop trying to understand what's going on, I've got to just shut up. Me trying to comprehend and "work out the problem" is usually what morphs into an argument on my part. I have such a temper and a stubborn let-me-do-it-my-own-way kind of attitude. I have got to just shut up! It is NOT a big deal if I don't get my way. Everything will be fine.
And it's okay not to be perfect all on your own. I stand with the help of others.
I can't get myself to like that image.
When I imagine myself in a relationship, like marriage, I imagine myself leaning on someone, and I love that idea. Because I never let myself lean on anyone. Ha. So it sounds glorious. But I'm not letting myself lean on my family. Why do I fight it so much now? It would be so much easier.
I would say, maybe, that fighting my personality isn't good--maybe I SHOULD go and be independent-- but it's too scary for me, and for good reason. I really wouldn't do well in that world. Or would I? The problem is, I lack friends. Normally, I'd think it's difficult to get through life without friends. I mean, so I've heard... you're supposed to have people to hang out with. (And there you go, it's another support system.) But I was trying to argue against a support system? It's not necessarily true; I could go live on my own-- and really BE on my own. I don't have to have ANY friends.
But honestly, I don't feel like that's the best decision-- not because I wouldn't like to be alone for once-- but because I know that it's hard to make any sort of difference in the world if you don't know how to get along with people, and to enjoy people's company.
I'd like to get better at that. In fact, it's one of my far-off goals. Maybe now is the time to work on it. This is my opportunity. (That's why I don't want to give up and just move out. I don't think it's the right solution, in the end, because it's the easy way out of the problem. I don't want to make the problem go away, I want to FIX it.)
Yes! That's my problem! I'm terrible at getting to know people BECAUSE OF my inability to lean on others... and therefore, of course, I can't help others by letting THEM lean on ME! Which is a great reason for why I don't easily make friends. :I
ohhhh. I get it!
This is just another challenge-- I've got to do these things to be a better person, and in order to stop being such a boring, awful family member and friend.
1) Let my parents help me. Accept advice and allow myself to lean on other people when I need it.
2) Help others. Become responsible and caring for how others could be feeling-- imagine how I would feel in that person's position-- I'd be in need a listening ear, advice when I've asked for it, and general help and support.
Basically, I need to work on my responsiveness in relationships--let others help me, because I DO need it. Help others, NOT because they are pathetic, but because they feel just like me.
It is NOT pathetic to need help. It is NOT SAD or ABNORMAL. It's HUMAN. EVERYBODY needs HELP-- it's like a melody. A note hanging in the air, all by itself, is nothing but a pitch. But with two notes, three notes, twenty notes, it goes somewhere. It can rise above mountains. People need each other. Now I'm going to remember this, and stop being an idiot.
Oh boy. If there is anybody, ever, reading this, please tell me what you think. I'd love comments. 'Cause I don't know what I'm doing! An outside perspective... as in, outside of my confusing head... would really help. (Seriously, all I can see in here is swirling clouds of steam.) Ha ha. I feel kind of silly. It doesn't seem like anyone would want to read this! I have bad confidence, but I suspect that this is really just a lot of rambling. But I mustn't worry about that! Rambling is helpful to me. okay okay okay. I'm going to bed NOW.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Notes on My Study Schedule!
My Japanese study schedule, daily:
- check email.
- blog daily entry.
- Review all Hiragana and Katakana characters learned.
- Start new characters, review, memorize, practice various ways, come back to them intermittently throughout day.
- Study informational material.
- That's it. Don't take too long.
- Control your breaks. Use them however you want to, and don't feel bad-- but make controlled, thought-out, morally light decisions. Don't beat yourself up over past mistakes-- God wouldn't-- just accept consequences.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
AAAARRRGGG!!!
I'm doing this better now.
I have to stop writing down things to organize my brain. Like schedules, for example. Why do I need to write what I'm going to do? I can remember it. If I can't remember it, I wasn't going to do it anyway. Writing it is okay, but I need to actually do it, no matter how. Also, no more lists on my phone. I mean, no long list.
I keep stuff. That's a problem too. At least, life doesn't have to be this complicated.
I can write things down to organize my brain and to remind myself, but I also need to get used to remembering things when I need to remember them-- like knowing what I'll do tomorrow morning, even if I have or HAVEN'T written it down.
If I don't complete that task, it's because I didn't complete it. That's all.
Okay?
Okay.
I need to get moving. That's really all it is.
AAAARRRGGG!!!
Urrrrrgggggggg.... urg.
_________________________________
--> figure out my schedule - when I will be working and when I will go to school. Get information to make sure it will work. Get a job when it's time. Otherwise...
--> Learn Japanese, read the Bible, improve my piano, and be healthy.
--> everything else is for later. LATER!!! *popping eyeballs, red face, leaking tears, clenched and shaking fists, steaming ears, train horn noise*
The goals going on my mirror are:
1. Be pianist
(schedule classes and work, practice daily)
2. Discover God
(bible daily)
3. Japanese
(five+ symbols a day)
4. Health
(exercise, lessen sugar)
good.
_________________________________
I have to stop writing down things to organize my brain. Like schedules, for example. Why do I need to write what I'm going to do? I can remember it. If I can't remember it, I wasn't going to do it anyway. Writing it is okay, but I need to actually do it, no matter how. Also, no more lists on my phone. I mean, no long list.
I keep stuff. That's a problem too. At least, life doesn't have to be this complicated.
I can write things down to organize my brain and to remind myself, but I also need to get used to remembering things when I need to remember them-- like knowing what I'll do tomorrow morning, even if I have or HAVEN'T written it down.
If I don't complete that task, it's because I didn't complete it. That's all.
Okay?
Okay.
I need to get moving. That's really all it is.
AAAARRRGGG!!!
Urrrrrgggggggg.... urg.
_________________________________
--> figure out my schedule - when I will be working and when I will go to school. Get information to make sure it will work. Get a job when it's time. Otherwise...
--> Learn Japanese, read the Bible, improve my piano, and be healthy.
--> everything else is for later. LATER!!! *popping eyeballs, red face, leaking tears, clenched and shaking fists, steaming ears, train horn noise*
The goals going on my mirror are:
1. Be pianist
(schedule classes and work, practice daily)
2. Discover God
(bible daily)
3. Japanese
(five+ symbols a day)
4. Health
(exercise, lessen sugar)
good.
_________________________________
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
I Was Wrong the Entire Time!
I think I'm NOT going to be one of those people in life who picks her career because she's incredibly passionate about it.
Now, I will likely BECOME incredibly passionate, because once I get attached to something, my passion IS incredibly strong. However, I will have to make myself do it FIRST-- I won't be drawn to it-- not in the beginning. That's the type of person I am! (I'm not stating this, I'm realizing it-- as I type. :)
This is important for me to realize because I've been worried about picking the right thing, when my personality isn't what will direct me to this "right thing" in the first place. Right now, I'm just very attached to watching Anime, and blogging-- where I try to work through my problems-- and just plain wishing that I could figure all of this out. Until I can un-attach myself from these things in a way that makes them still a part of my life-- BUT, not the ONLY part-- I won't be able to be happy in ANY career. So, that MEANS that I COULD become a doctor, if I want to. I CAN be a teacher, a writer, an English teacher in Japan, or whatever I might choose. Now yes, there are limitations, as is natural. And I will choose something that is possible, and pre-meditated, and something I can succeed it.
However, I DON'T need to worry so much when I go to a medical school interview and I tell them I'm passionate, but they ask me, "WHY?" -- and I tell them-- but, all the while, I am afraid that I'm not passionate ENOUGH. And I think, if I'm not passionate ENOUGH, I can't make it, not like those other medical students do.
But no! That's not it! In saying that I can't make it because I'm not passionate enough, I am holding myself back-- stopping myself by building a tremendous brick wall-- one that is only, in fact, made of stacked marshmallows, but I've seen it in the wrong light, so they look like bricks.
My "PASSION" is different than others' passion that I am always seeing on TV and striving for. Someday, I might feel like that-- the "I HAVE TO DO THIS" or "I WILL beat you!!!" or "Now, I KNOW I can do this! I am STRONG ENOUGH!" sort of passionate determination-- that one sees in stories.
But, having that kind of determination comes AFTER a person loves something. I may not love my career now, but if I KNOW I CAN love it, then that's good enough for now. (That is where risk comes in, and there's nothing I can do about that. There's almost always a risk that you might make a wrong choice. I just have to research the options as well as possible, to find what thing I'm good at, want to do the most, and then consider the pros and cons of each possibility to make the best choice.)
I don't have to have that kind story-determination all the time. I don't need to make such a big deal of my motive, and worry that if it's not good enough, I can't make it. A motive is NOT all that drives a person, and I forgot to realize that. Motivation is your REASON for going, but once you get started, you'll be thinking about what your doing-- acting, practicing music, studying-- and you'll get caught up in it, un-distracted and honed in on the task.
So, what I'm trying to say is this>>>
Just because I'm not entirely sure about my career choices doesn't mean I have to worry so much about them. My motive is important, but I don't have to adore my career and the activities that go with it immediately. I need to trust my choice and focus on the tasks that will lead to success, instead of freaking out because of doubt, and losing my self-confidence.
Yup.
Maybe I do this because I have such a terrible capability to focus...? It sound to me like my career choice is getting off track all the time because I get distracted with unnecessary worries....
Now, I will likely BECOME incredibly passionate, because once I get attached to something, my passion IS incredibly strong. However, I will have to make myself do it FIRST-- I won't be drawn to it-- not in the beginning. That's the type of person I am! (I'm not stating this, I'm realizing it-- as I type. :)
This is important for me to realize because I've been worried about picking the right thing, when my personality isn't what will direct me to this "right thing" in the first place. Right now, I'm just very attached to watching Anime, and blogging-- where I try to work through my problems-- and just plain wishing that I could figure all of this out. Until I can un-attach myself from these things in a way that makes them still a part of my life-- BUT, not the ONLY part-- I won't be able to be happy in ANY career. So, that MEANS that I COULD become a doctor, if I want to. I CAN be a teacher, a writer, an English teacher in Japan, or whatever I might choose. Now yes, there are limitations, as is natural. And I will choose something that is possible, and pre-meditated, and something I can succeed it.
However, I DON'T need to worry so much when I go to a medical school interview and I tell them I'm passionate, but they ask me, "WHY?" -- and I tell them-- but, all the while, I am afraid that I'm not passionate ENOUGH. And I think, if I'm not passionate ENOUGH, I can't make it, not like those other medical students do.
But no! That's not it! In saying that I can't make it because I'm not passionate enough, I am holding myself back-- stopping myself by building a tremendous brick wall-- one that is only, in fact, made of stacked marshmallows, but I've seen it in the wrong light, so they look like bricks.
My "PASSION" is different than others' passion that I am always seeing on TV and striving for. Someday, I might feel like that-- the "I HAVE TO DO THIS" or "I WILL beat you!!!" or "Now, I KNOW I can do this! I am STRONG ENOUGH!" sort of passionate determination-- that one sees in stories.
But, having that kind of determination comes AFTER a person loves something. I may not love my career now, but if I KNOW I CAN love it, then that's good enough for now. (That is where risk comes in, and there's nothing I can do about that. There's almost always a risk that you might make a wrong choice. I just have to research the options as well as possible, to find what thing I'm good at, want to do the most, and then consider the pros and cons of each possibility to make the best choice.)
I don't have to have that kind story-determination all the time. I don't need to make such a big deal of my motive, and worry that if it's not good enough, I can't make it. A motive is NOT all that drives a person, and I forgot to realize that. Motivation is your REASON for going, but once you get started, you'll be thinking about what your doing-- acting, practicing music, studying-- and you'll get caught up in it, un-distracted and honed in on the task.
So, what I'm trying to say is this>>>
Just because I'm not entirely sure about my career choices doesn't mean I have to worry so much about them. My motive is important, but I don't have to adore my career and the activities that go with it immediately. I need to trust my choice and focus on the tasks that will lead to success, instead of freaking out because of doubt, and losing my self-confidence.
Yup.
Maybe I do this because I have such a terrible capability to focus...? It sound to me like my career choice is getting off track all the time because I get distracted with unnecessary worries....
BE MYSELF!
I've GOT to be more myself! I'm more dramatic than I let on! It's okay to use exclamation points all the time if you're not writing academically! I think I'm even acting weirder in my blogs!
AAARRRG!!!
No. I musn't rag on myself about EVERYTHING. There's a point where "natural" really is just what occurs. "Natural", for me, is somewhat fake anyway. It's hard for me to be real, so maybe it always IS real. I mean, maybe I am real. I should stop obsessing over this. Yaaaaahhh.
I'm going to bed. Heeh heh. I didn't just tell you that!
Oh, yes: I edited my location a few minutes ago! I now live in Mahogany Springs, New Brighton, in Threstia. (I made it up :) Now, my only and dearest invisible reader, you must remind me to tell you about Mahogany Springs. I made up a great story to go along with it.
I'm going to have to let you know when I get a boyfriend, and it had better be soon.... I agree with you, that these blogs are getting.... bland... or maybe they always were.... *ssssiiiiigghhh*
I've been watching too much Skip Beat!
In it, everyone is dramatic-- terribly so-- and it's positively delightful! I laugh constantly. The second season doesn't appear to be scheduled, so that is pretty (what am I saying?! --horrifically and mind-demolishing-ly-- ) sad. It is one of the best animes I've ever seen! Well, I say that about all of them.
Okay, that's it for now.
AAARRRG!!!
No. I musn't rag on myself about EVERYTHING. There's a point where "natural" really is just what occurs. "Natural", for me, is somewhat fake anyway. It's hard for me to be real, so maybe it always IS real. I mean, maybe I am real. I should stop obsessing over this. Yaaaaahhh.
I'm going to bed. Heeh heh. I didn't just tell you that!
Oh, yes: I edited my location a few minutes ago! I now live in Mahogany Springs, New Brighton, in Threstia. (I made it up :) Now, my only and dearest invisible reader, you must remind me to tell you about Mahogany Springs. I made up a great story to go along with it.
I'm going to have to let you know when I get a boyfriend, and it had better be soon.... I agree with you, that these blogs are getting.... bland... or maybe they always were.... *ssssiiiiigghhh*
I've been watching too much Skip Beat!
In it, everyone is dramatic-- terribly so-- and it's positively delightful! I laugh constantly. The second season doesn't appear to be scheduled, so that is pretty (what am I saying?! --horrifically and mind-demolishing-ly-- ) sad. It is one of the best animes I've ever seen! Well, I say that about all of them.
Okay, that's it for now.
Monday, July 5, 2010
I Need Atmosphere!
I think it might be important in my job that I love my atmosphere. That's why I love the idea of going to Japan to teach more than here; it's why I want to be successful--so I can have a nice house, and it's why I'll do better going to school from home.
And it's not just the atmosphere, but the people who are there. I wouldn't like home if my family wasn't here. I was lonely at college. (I didn't try very hard to make friends. :/ )
This is something I'll have to remember! Also, I should try to make friends! :) It's just hard to do that when you don't like yourself. That's why I need to teach myself how to like myself, partly by becoming better at things, like piano, studying, bla bla bla, and by doing other things that make me feel good about myself.
1. Become confident of yourself. Do (mostly) anything you need to do to get there.
LOSE WEIGHT
PRACTICE PIANO AND STUDY - PRIORITIZE
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF- SHOP, MANICURES, etc
USE GOD AS MY DIRECTOR, NOT OTHER PEOPLE'S IMPRESSIONS OF ME
2. Don't be afraid to make friends! Everybody else has lives just like I do, where they go home at night to sleep, have thoughts, wish things, fill the dishwasher, enjoy showers, have hobbies, get mad, and have a job. Mostly everybody.
I mean, I don't have a job. But... you know what I mean. :)
And it's not just the atmosphere, but the people who are there. I wouldn't like home if my family wasn't here. I was lonely at college. (I didn't try very hard to make friends. :/ )
This is something I'll have to remember! Also, I should try to make friends! :) It's just hard to do that when you don't like yourself. That's why I need to teach myself how to like myself, partly by becoming better at things, like piano, studying, bla bla bla, and by doing other things that make me feel good about myself.
1. Become confident of yourself. Do (mostly) anything you need to do to get there.
LOSE WEIGHT
PRACTICE PIANO AND STUDY - PRIORITIZE
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF- SHOP, MANICURES, etc
USE GOD AS MY DIRECTOR, NOT OTHER PEOPLE'S IMPRESSIONS OF ME
2. Don't be afraid to make friends! Everybody else has lives just like I do, where they go home at night to sleep, have thoughts, wish things, fill the dishwasher, enjoy showers, have hobbies, get mad, and have a job. Mostly everybody.
I mean, I don't have a job. But... you know what I mean. :)
Love: Acceptance and Return!
During my sophomore year at Atlantis State college, 2008-2009?
When I'm "on the prowl" for a guy I think it would be smart to rememeber this, since, I usually don't.
--> LOOKING for someone doesn't mean I'm looking for someone who could love me. That's not what's important, and it's certainly not the point-- but it's what I usually do. This gives the impression that I'm shy. The best way to be outgoing about his isn't to "BE" confident, since you can't change yourself that easily.
So here's a better way to do it-- and to be more outgoing altogether-- don't stand there, thinking internally and judging people's personalities, actions, and appearances-- and wondering how they'd relate to you/yourself. Instead, making it your job to get to get to know, love/befriend the people around you. And when it comes to guuys, instead of thinking, "Could he like me? Appreciate me? Love me?" you should be thinking "Could I like him? Appreciate him? Love him?" Not only will this eliminate selfishness, it gives you more confidence. That may seem like an odd combination, but it's the truth. I can explain it better this way: when I say confidence, I mean LACK of self-conscious feelings-- an absence of the constant voice relentlessly whispering insecurities. Focusing your thoughts outward, socially-- to the people around you-- keeps most thoughts of yourself at bay.
When I'm "on the prowl" for a guy I think it would be smart to rememeber this, since, I usually don't.
--> LOOKING for someone doesn't mean I'm looking for someone who could love me. That's not what's important, and it's certainly not the point-- but it's what I usually do. This gives the impression that I'm shy. The best way to be outgoing about his isn't to "BE" confident, since you can't change yourself that easily.
So here's a better way to do it-- and to be more outgoing altogether-- don't stand there, thinking internally and judging people's personalities, actions, and appearances-- and wondering how they'd relate to you/yourself. Instead, making it your job to get to get to know, love/befriend the people around you. And when it comes to guuys, instead of thinking, "Could he like me? Appreciate me? Love me?" you should be thinking "Could I like him? Appreciate him? Love him?" Not only will this eliminate selfishness, it gives you more confidence. That may seem like an odd combination, but it's the truth. I can explain it better this way: when I say confidence, I mean LACK of self-conscious feelings-- an absence of the constant voice relentlessly whispering insecurities. Focusing your thoughts outward, socially-- to the people around you-- keeps most thoughts of yourself at bay.
Men: Sensitivity? Hahaha!
During my sophomore year at Atlantis State college, 2/16/2008 Sabbath, 1:37 AM
I watched Titanic today. It's a very good movie. But it made me realize something. Mm. Pens are fun to write with. But that's not what I realized. Anyway, UGH there is this certain guy I'm always thinking about
Hmmm. Oh, this thought Ok, this thought is going to be finished later. [scribbly] Too sleepy.
[I meant to go on to say that Titanic had opened my eyes to the idea that guys could be sensitive, caring, and loving. As it goes, I've learned that idea more and more so every day, especially by watching movies, and also getting to know guys I've dated. Ha. There are only a few. But it was definitely enlightening; I've learned a lot. When I wrote this, it was like I felt that guys didn't have emotions like girls do-- that they were inhuman, basically. Now, I know they're different, but in many ways guys CAN have emotions similar to girl's emotions. Heehee. *whew* That would have been a problem.]
I watched Titanic today. It's a very good movie. But it made me realize something. Mm. Pens are fun to write with. But that's not what I realized. Anyway, UGH there is this certain guy I'm always thinking about
[this is the same guy, Michael, mentioned in the post right before this one.](I don't think I've actually put that in writing or words yet, except in my thoughts) and it's super annoying because I'm quite sure it's only one-sided.
[I'm sorry I'm interrupting, but I have to tell you: the feeling was mutual. Or, at least less one-sided than I was imagining. Or lying to myself, I really knew it the whole time. See my other blog, for more on that. :) ]Anyway, it hurts me all the time. And that couldn't be love, right? I don't think so, not really. Anyway, so when I watched titanic, I thought of something amazing. To me, anyway. For some weird reason, I've had this weird confused picture of Guys + girls relationship stuff. I mean, what I mean is, for some reason I've not understood it exactly. It's mostly cause I never hang out with guys. I never understood... how a guy could fall in love with a girl. It's really strange, but for some reason I had this notion that somehow guys w are better than girls, I don't know why, and that a girl somehow wouldn't be as important to him as he was to the girl. I think [pen scribble] this feeling I had had something to do with how guys always seem less emotional than girls, and all that stuff. Where they don't seem to connect as easily as girls do. So whenever I'd see a guy who was sensitive or caring or whatever, I was like, whoa. That's so hot. But I didn't think of it as normal, or required, even. And I still feel like that sometimes. But it's a little better.
Hmmm. Oh, this thought Ok, this thought is going to be finished later. [scribbly] Too sleepy.
[I meant to go on to say that Titanic had opened my eyes to the idea that guys could be sensitive, caring, and loving. As it goes, I've learned that idea more and more so every day, especially by watching movies, and also getting to know guys I've dated. Ha. There are only a few. But it was definitely enlightening; I've learned a lot. When I wrote this, it was like I felt that guys didn't have emotions like girls do-- that they were inhuman, basically. Now, I know they're different, but in many ways guys CAN have emotions similar to girl's emotions. Heehee. *whew* That would have been a problem.]
What Would Happen?!
During my sophomore year at Atlantis State college, 2008-2009.
What would happen if... every time I thought of something I could do that was really scary or maybe even unlike me, and I was afraid enough that I wouldn't ever do it-- and then I did it anyway...? I could do anything I wanted. Anything! At first it's kind of like, duh. But it's really an amazing idea, when you think about it.
For example... right now, I want to do these things, but I'm afraid to...
So, to sum it up: What if every time I wanted to do something-- anything-- but stopped myself for some kind of fear-- what if instead, I did it ANYWAY? What then?
[this resonates with my past post about acting. UGH. no, no no. I have good reasons. I have good reasons. aaargh.]
What would happen if... every time I thought of something I could do that was really scary or maybe even unlike me, and I was afraid enough that I wouldn't ever do it-- and then I did it anyway...? I could do anything I wanted. Anything! At first it's kind of like, duh. But it's really an amazing idea, when you think about it.
For example... right now, I want to do these things, but I'm afraid to...
- tell someone what I'm really thinking [note from me in July 2010: I wanted to tell a guy I met in freshman year, Michael, that I liked him.]
- Go outside and go running even though I don't want people to see me exercise ["exercise" means get sweaty]
- Be more naturally myself
- Have stood up and given my presentation
So, to sum it up: What if every time I wanted to do something-- anything-- but stopped myself for some kind of fear-- what if instead, I did it ANYWAY? What then?
[this resonates with my past post about acting. UGH. no, no no. I have good reasons. I have good reasons. aaargh.]
I Must Pick a Job That Gets Me the Right Experience!
I need to be careful that when I pick a job, I get one that helps me get skills that I need someday, and especially that it helps me with skills that I don't yet have.
Before I had a blog entries
I've got some old papers I saved before I had a blog. I'm going to start typing those sorts of things on here, instead of keeping them for a scrapbook. Most of them aren't pretty or unique enough for a scrapbook, they're just boring in my handwriting. I keep ENOUGH stuff...! So I'm not going to worry about throwing them out.
Therefore, I have a new label: before I had a blog. The dates will be messed up, since I will leave whatever date I enter them in as the date, but you'll see an estimation from when I wrote it at the top of the entry.
Ta-da!
Therefore, I have a new label: before I had a blog. The dates will be messed up, since I will leave whatever date I enter them in as the date, but you'll see an estimation from when I wrote it at the top of the entry.
Ta-da!
Indecisive, Yet Again!
Aargh, I JUST dropped my laptop. Sideways though, on carpet, about 2.5 feet. Nothing happened. Anyway, not the point.
I am worried that the career I'm choosing isn't tailor-made for me. I don't spend time doing teacher-like things, I spend time on the internet. I organize my bookmarks, research schools, learn Japanese, watch MOVIES, explore videos, discuss things with people, writing long blogs....
What if I'm meant to be, I dunno, doing something relating with computers? My counselor suggested that. I could also be a writer, or an actress. These are things I actually do, and enjoy. I like to write, I love to pretend, I love stories. I love faking things, and being dramatic. I'm a natural actress, somewhat, I think, and I'd love to be famous, but I'm so scared. Would I be the sort of person to succeed as an actress? As a writer, I'd get bored, I think. As an actress, I'd want to be very successful, and that's super hard. Which is why I'm scared. And in neither of those professions do I have experience. Plus, most actresses start young. I don't think I could compete. I really should give up on those ideas.
I always go round and round. I hate it, because I've ALREADY considered these options, and that's WHY I chose what I'm trying to do now-- music, a little teaching, and doing it in another language. It's what I want... kind of.
But I think the problem is, I am afraid I won't be successful, and I don't feel like I want it as much as other things. But if I do a music major, though, I could use it to perform. That is almost the same as acting, image-wise. But not in experience. I like the idea of acting because it would be glorious to EXPERIENCE taking on so many personas. I adore stories. But I'm over 20. I can't do that. *sob* :,( No, :) I'm not really crying. I'm sighing.
This is dumb. What I've picked for myself is as perfect as it can be. If acting is for me, it will have to come to me. I can't see myself being right for that. Plus, my complexion isn't perfect. It's gotten better after I got a prescription from the doctor, but I think that's a hurdle I can't just step over as an actress.
Okay, I'm shutting up about this. What I need to do is this: consider everything, but take time to practice piano more. I really could be happy doing that, but how can I know if that's true if I'm not practicing now? I'll never get anywhere unless I get moving on it. Practicing is a slow process; it's time to get started! :)
I wrote down on my daily notes list: "Get a job :) DO be excited (be myself). Do NOT be afraid (don't be myself)!"
I am worried that the career I'm choosing isn't tailor-made for me. I don't spend time doing teacher-like things, I spend time on the internet. I organize my bookmarks, research schools, learn Japanese, watch MOVIES, explore videos, discuss things with people, writing long blogs....
What if I'm meant to be, I dunno, doing something relating with computers? My counselor suggested that. I could also be a writer, or an actress. These are things I actually do, and enjoy. I like to write, I love to pretend, I love stories. I love faking things, and being dramatic. I'm a natural actress, somewhat, I think, and I'd love to be famous, but I'm so scared. Would I be the sort of person to succeed as an actress? As a writer, I'd get bored, I think. As an actress, I'd want to be very successful, and that's super hard. Which is why I'm scared. And in neither of those professions do I have experience. Plus, most actresses start young. I don't think I could compete. I really should give up on those ideas.
I always go round and round. I hate it, because I've ALREADY considered these options, and that's WHY I chose what I'm trying to do now-- music, a little teaching, and doing it in another language. It's what I want... kind of.
But I think the problem is, I am afraid I won't be successful, and I don't feel like I want it as much as other things. But if I do a music major, though, I could use it to perform. That is almost the same as acting, image-wise. But not in experience. I like the idea of acting because it would be glorious to EXPERIENCE taking on so many personas. I adore stories. But I'm over 20. I can't do that. *sob* :,( No, :) I'm not really crying. I'm sighing.
This is dumb. What I've picked for myself is as perfect as it can be. If acting is for me, it will have to come to me. I can't see myself being right for that. Plus, my complexion isn't perfect. It's gotten better after I got a prescription from the doctor, but I think that's a hurdle I can't just step over as an actress.
Okay, I'm shutting up about this. What I need to do is this: consider everything, but take time to practice piano more. I really could be happy doing that, but how can I know if that's true if I'm not practicing now? I'll never get anywhere unless I get moving on it. Practicing is a slow process; it's time to get started! :)
I wrote down on my daily notes list: "Get a job :) DO be excited (be myself). Do NOT be afraid (don't be myself)!"
Saturday, July 3, 2010
MORE HORIZONS! NEW LIFE! I WILL BE MYSELF!
I need to be more STUBBORN! I worry so much about what people think. I KNOW, I've said that before... but really. I need to do what I need to do. Everything is fine. I have to be myself. I have to do what I want. I have to TRUST my physical self, my mind. Anyway, if I don't trust that, then I LITERALLY can't trust anything.
So I need to worry about what GOD thinks. Only. Or at least, first and foremost. Other people are important, and I can live for them, but I don't need to let their petty or immature thoughts pull me down.
While I'm worrying about what God thinks, AND ignoring worries from other people, I DO need to live for others. Other people can support me by pulling me UP. It's just negative thoughts that I CAN'T let stop me.
As a grade-school or high-school teacher, my life won't be very adrenaline-rushing, since I don't know how to succeed top-notch in something like that. But... I CAN succeed with a music degree. I can do great. I can practice. I can run. I know how to USE that kind of adrenaline.
Whoa. First italic word? hee hee.
I'm off to cook Sabbath dinner for mom, dad, and teddy! They'll be mad again, I didn't go to church. I don't care. God loves me. I'll go when I'm ready.
So I need to worry about what GOD thinks. Only. Or at least, first and foremost. Other people are important, and I can live for them, but I don't need to let their petty or immature thoughts pull me down.
While I'm worrying about what God thinks, AND ignoring worries from other people, I DO need to live for others. Other people can support me by pulling me UP. It's just negative thoughts that I CAN'T let stop me.
As a grade-school or high-school teacher, my life won't be very adrenaline-rushing, since I don't know how to succeed top-notch in something like that. But... I CAN succeed with a music degree. I can do great. I can practice. I can run. I know how to USE that kind of adrenaline.
Whoa. First italic word? hee hee.
I'm off to cook Sabbath dinner for mom, dad, and teddy! They'll be mad again, I didn't go to church. I don't care. God loves me. I'll go when I'm ready.
Exploring Religious Arguments on Youtube is fascinating!
I was watching some of the videos online that bash Christianity, or God, at least. It is quite fun. I absolutely don't agree, of course, but I love to argue with people! Constructively, I mean, without the anger. I've noticed (lately) that anger serves no purpose in an argument. Other places it's absolutely useful. But it doesn't help when your talking with an equal who has an opposing view, it just makes you irrational and then influences them to feel the same.
Anyway, I was thinking I would come on and blog about how everyone should just LEAVE EACH OTHER ALONE, and stop having long pointless conversations about what you should do, I should do, he should do.... But then, I felt so motivated to come up with answers to the arguments posed by the anti-christian-belief people, that I realized I had an answer to everything! Answers that makes sense to me, at least. And so I realized: it's okay to argue! In fact, you should, so as to reveal truths that people might be avoiding. But I mean to say that it's good to argue, and consider other people's opinions.
However, you should only get into debates if you know you can handle it, of course. If you don't know what you believe, it's not a good idea, because arguments are not meant to teach, or fill your head with principles--they are only supposed to challenge beliefs you already have, and make you consider your life in a new light.
[Later Edit at 4:00am Sunday, 7/4/10...! >>> I was talking to my mom yesterday about a text she likes, that she found that day in church, in the chapter of Titus. It talks about how you should ignore people who want to argue about established rules--the kinds of rules that are good, like "no speeding", or the Ten Commandments, or other rules and laws that have meaning and a strong place in our society-- the GOOD laws that HELP more than they hinder. The text explained that it was a bad idea to listen and debate about useless issues that don't need to be brought up, such as the abolishing or changing of a law that should stay where it is. So I guess, when you argue, it's still a good thing, but make sure you're not engaging in an argument that is dumb/stupid/pointless or "foolish".]
Ah, have you noticed I am up at a normal hour of daytime? Yah. It's not going to last.
naaaaw. Bad attitude! I mean, I've got to be positive. Anyway, I looked at my blog posts of the past, and really, only about 10% or less of them are actually at the dead hours.
Anyway, I was thinking I would come on and blog about how everyone should just LEAVE EACH OTHER ALONE, and stop having long pointless conversations about what you should do, I should do, he should do.... But then, I felt so motivated to come up with answers to the arguments posed by the anti-christian-belief people, that I realized I had an answer to everything! Answers that makes sense to me, at least. And so I realized: it's okay to argue! In fact, you should, so as to reveal truths that people might be avoiding. But I mean to say that it's good to argue, and consider other people's opinions.
However, you should only get into debates if you know you can handle it, of course. If you don't know what you believe, it's not a good idea, because arguments are not meant to teach, or fill your head with principles--they are only supposed to challenge beliefs you already have, and make you consider your life in a new light.
[Later Edit at 4:00am Sunday, 7/4/10...! >>> I was talking to my mom yesterday about a text she likes, that she found that day in church, in the chapter of Titus. It talks about how you should ignore people who want to argue about established rules--the kinds of rules that are good, like "no speeding", or the Ten Commandments, or other rules and laws that have meaning and a strong place in our society-- the GOOD laws that HELP more than they hinder. The text explained that it was a bad idea to listen and debate about useless issues that don't need to be brought up, such as the abolishing or changing of a law that should stay where it is. So I guess, when you argue, it's still a good thing, but make sure you're not engaging in an argument that is dumb/stupid/pointless or "foolish".]
Ah, have you noticed I am up at a normal hour of daytime? Yah. It's not going to last.
naaaaw. Bad attitude! I mean, I've got to be positive. Anyway, I looked at my blog posts of the past, and really, only about 10% or less of them are actually at the dead hours.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Life-path decisions! Change! Excitement! Looking ahead into the sunset! New horizon!
Okay. Here's what I need to do:
1. Try to fix any bad grades that will go along with or aid the educational track (major) that I choose. Do well! I can! Don't be afraid anymore! If you're scared of something, do THAT! [Don't give up! I CAN!]
2. Learn Asian languages, but focus on one at a time so as to learn them to fluently. Learn whatever is most helpful for where I want to go. I can start with Japanese. Either find an educational program that allows me to learn a language well without having to take a lot of unnecessary classes, or simply learn them on my own, with classes, or for no credit, or independently.
3. Find a way to connect to people who speak the language I'm learning, at least when I'm at a point where I am coherent. I could make friends online, or get a pen-pal, or meet people! (? yeah right. That's likely. (: No, really, I'm being sarcastic.)
4. Get a bachelor's in music, (!Does it need to be with a teaching license? No, only if I want to teach band and stuff.... I think. Hmmmm. It would be really good to be more versatile. If it's not a lot of extra trouble, I could consider that, but it might take away from my prowess in piano. It might not be worth it when it comes down to it.) and practice a lot so that I am successful as I can be. Do well so I can consider going to music graduate school. Maybe plan on going to Walla Walla(??) my last years before Japan in order to fix my grades and face up to what I previously failed in. Otherwise, I can stay here and go somewhere like Willamette or elsewhere with a good program.
5. Teach in Japan. Especially consider applying for the JET programme as an assistant language teacher, or one of the other two positions, before I begin teaching music, so as to get used to speaking the language! In order to be experienced, I could consider going as an SM through an Adventist school first. (Do they send student missionaries to Japan?!)
And that... will make me a music teacher. Or at least a teacher. AAAHHH!!! I never wanted to be a teacher. Yet... I think it's perfect for me... arrgh. But Japanese makes it all so much more interesting this way, so much better! And as a teacher, I'll have a better schedule than a doctor does. I can learn more languages, and teach elsewhere as well!!!
I should... sell Cutco. It totally freaks me out (being a representative, I did it last summer, and it's hard) and it would be scary and worth it if I succeeded.
2. I should get jobs and make money and learn Japanese.
3. I should practice a lot of piano. I should learn theory.
4. I should lose weight.
5. I should love my family.
6. I should call my friends and take them shopping or do something fun for once.
7. I shouldn't be afraid.
8. I should do what I feel.
9. I should run in the morning.
10. I should stop at nighttime to sleep.
11. I should stop trying to be different, and instead accept ME so I can be happy.
12. If I am happy, I can better help others. I can't help others if I am not happy.
13.I should pray to God about these decisions.
14. I should pray to him and learn his language (read the Bible) so that I can communicate with him and understand his character-- therefore myself-- and so that when I do go to Japan, I can use my knowledge to show God, at least through example.
Sigh. Goodnight.
1. Try to fix any bad grades that will go along with or aid the educational track (major) that I choose. Do well! I can! Don't be afraid anymore! If you're scared of something, do THAT! [Don't give up! I CAN!]
2. Learn Asian languages, but focus on one at a time so as to learn them to fluently. Learn whatever is most helpful for where I want to go. I can start with Japanese. Either find an educational program that allows me to learn a language well without having to take a lot of unnecessary classes, or simply learn them on my own, with classes, or for no credit, or independently.
3. Find a way to connect to people who speak the language I'm learning, at least when I'm at a point where I am coherent. I could make friends online, or get a pen-pal, or meet people! (? yeah right. That's likely. (: No, really, I'm being sarcastic.)
4. Get a bachelor's in music, (!Does it need to be with a teaching license? No, only if I want to teach band and stuff.... I think. Hmmmm. It would be really good to be more versatile. If it's not a lot of extra trouble, I could consider that, but it might take away from my prowess in piano. It might not be worth it when it comes down to it.) and practice a lot so that I am successful as I can be. Do well so I can consider going to music graduate school. Maybe plan on going to Walla Walla(??) my last years before Japan in order to fix my grades and face up to what I previously failed in. Otherwise, I can stay here and go somewhere like Willamette or elsewhere with a good program.
5. Teach in Japan. Especially consider applying for the JET programme as an assistant language teacher, or one of the other two positions, before I begin teaching music, so as to get used to speaking the language! In order to be experienced, I could consider going as an SM through an Adventist school first. (Do they send student missionaries to Japan?!)
And that... will make me a music teacher. Or at least a teacher. AAAHHH!!! I never wanted to be a teacher. Yet... I think it's perfect for me... arrgh. But Japanese makes it all so much more interesting this way, so much better! And as a teacher, I'll have a better schedule than a doctor does. I can learn more languages, and teach elsewhere as well!!!
I should... sell Cutco. It totally freaks me out (being a representative, I did it last summer, and it's hard) and it would be scary and worth it if I succeeded.
2. I should get jobs and make money and learn Japanese.
3. I should practice a lot of piano. I should learn theory.
4. I should lose weight.
5. I should love my family.
6. I should call my friends and take them shopping or do something fun for once.
7. I shouldn't be afraid.
8. I should do what I feel.
9. I should run in the morning.
10. I should stop at nighttime to sleep.
11. I should stop trying to be different, and instead accept ME so I can be happy.
12. If I am happy, I can better help others. I can't help others if I am not happy.
13.I should pray to God about these decisions.
14. I should pray to him and learn his language (read the Bible) so that I can communicate with him and understand his character-- therefore myself-- and so that when I do go to Japan, I can use my knowledge to show God, at least through example.
Sigh. Goodnight.
Cara Makes Progress in Her Career Musings!
Maybe I should major in Music, and make it simple with just a Bacheleor of Arts, and then for a second major, I would focus on Asian languages -- Japanese, Chinese, and Korean. Then, I could go to graduate school for Music, if I get the chance, or if that isn't possible, I could teach music here, or somewhere. The problem is that having a teaching license during all this would be extra helpful, but is it necessary? Can I learn Japanese without making it a language major? What about my desire to be a translator? Should I scrap that idea because it's limited in its connection to both music and teaching? If I get a major in a language (or more than one) it's not especially helpful unless its combined with something like political relations or something. That is a different area of education, and I think it's too much in the wrong direction. (I'd have to go over for a year, too, and since I'm planning on that anyway, it might not be very useful time spent.)
What I need to do is look online or wherever and find out what kind of programs are available for teaching english or music in Japan, and what their requirements are. Then, I need to figure out what major would be helpful and what jobs I can get with the education I obtain. I think this is what I want to do, I'm just distracted because I want to teach english to Japanese students, but at the same time I wish I could complete a music performance degree, so maybe I should teach MUSIC to Japanese students... ?
I'm so confused!!!
What I need to do is look online or wherever and find out what kind of programs are available for teaching english or music in Japan, and what their requirements are. Then, I need to figure out what major would be helpful and what jobs I can get with the education I obtain. I think this is what I want to do, I'm just distracted because I want to teach english to Japanese students, but at the same time I wish I could complete a music performance degree, so maybe I should teach MUSIC to Japanese students... ?
I'm so confused!!!
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