Angry With Parents!!!

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18-24: -3=177.4?
25-31: -2=174.4?

haircut, after one week of 175. That will be later. :) Detail here:
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I'm looking at my weight loss goals, in a notepad document I keep on my PC desktop. (Above)

It's frustrating not to have belief in yourself. Or not having belief from other people. But maybe that's part of growing up. What do you do when people don't trust you anymore?-- when they seem to think it's necessary to remind you of things you were planning to do yourself, whether they had reminded you or not?

Is it bad to get annoyed when people remind me of things?

What I mean when I complain about this is those reminders your parents give you, like "do the dishes" or "clean your room". Except this is on a bigger scale; it's "get a job". Which is good. And I think I'm just being stubborn when I get annoyed with the reminder.

I think I get annoyed because (1) I'm having trouble doing exactly that task, mostly because I'm scared, and hesitant, and procrastinating, and (2) I feel that if they have to remind me, they must not believe I can do it. (I don't literally mean NO belief, just not a LOT of belief. Or, not very solid faith.) Their mistrust is not unfounded; it is completely understandable. That must be what makes me mad-- I'm mad at myself, not them. But I pretend that it's their fault. Here I go, blaming other people for stuff that only I can fix--it's not their fault, it's mine!

It's really simple. I need to do what they say. It would solve all problems.

Also, I am thinking about this in such detail because it bothers me-- the way they're treating me. At first, I thought, they should treat me like a grown-up. How can I go through my grown-up activities if they're treating me like a kid all the time? How can I grow up if they won't stop trying to help me?

It's a pretty good argument. But if I can come up with the thoughts to muster that argument, I actually am able enough to brush past their help and do what they want and need me to, but independently. But that's the confusing part. Should I accept their help instead? It's hard. See, this is the problem: I'm trying to stand on my own, desperately-- it's the confusing part in my life where the decisions I have before me are slowly teetering on the edge of morphing into action. I am just ready to take the step to make that move, in the correct direction, and they come onstage and order me around. Don't they want me to do it myself?

But they can't see it that way. They just think, oh. Cara's not ready for all this yet, she is taking so long to get what needs to get done done, we may as well direct her. She's not ready to be on her own yet, we'll just push her in the right direction.

But it's that pushing that I don't want, I don't need. It's that pushing that keeps me from pushing myself. I need to push myself. And I don't want them to push me to push myself, because then I feel like it wasn't me doing it. I need to do it myself!!

You know what the real problem is? If I continue with this attitude, I'll NEED to be on my own, because it's driving me crazy to be "helped". I can't accept help. Or at least I won't, or I haven't.

So, either I start accepting the help they're offering their DEPENDENT daughter-- that's a fair statement-- or I become independent. I can't stand here and complain that they should treat me like an adult if I'm not going to take it ALL the way and actually BE one. Unless I really do that-- move out of my parent's house and pay for rent myself-- then I don't deserve to have this independent attitude. That attitude doesn't fit with the situation I've allowed myself to remain in. At this time, moving out would be the rational decision.

Which is ridiculous. It sounds better, now, and probably to many teenagers too, but I want to be successful in life-- and staying with my parents is a much more efficient way to get a good education, because I don't have to pay rent somewhere. Rent is a total waste of money, it goes nowhere. Besides, I don't want to live by myself! That sounds lousy, to me.

I am one confused girl! I argue with the people who are supporting me, saying I should be in charge, but I don't actually take charge, because I don't want all that comes with it.

Okay, I need to DEAL and stop arguing with them. :) Even if they don't understand completely how I feel and make me feel angry in a conversation by telling me to stop trying to understand what's going on, I've got to just shut up. Me trying to comprehend and "work out the problem" is usually what morphs into an argument on my part. I have such a temper and a stubborn let-me-do-it-my-own-way kind of attitude. I have got to just shut up! It is NOT a big deal if I don't get my way. Everything will be fine.

And it's okay not to be perfect all on your own. I stand with the help of others.

I can't get myself to like that image.

When I imagine myself in a relationship, like marriage, I imagine myself leaning on someone, and I love that idea. Because I never let myself lean on anyone. Ha. So it sounds glorious. But I'm not letting myself lean on my family. Why do I fight it so much now? It would be so much easier.

I would say, maybe, that fighting my personality isn't good--maybe I SHOULD go and be independent-- but it's too scary for me, and for good reason. I really wouldn't do well in that world. Or would I? The problem is, I lack friends. Normally, I'd think it's difficult to get through life without friends. I mean, so I've heard... you're supposed to have people to hang out with. (And there you go, it's another support system.) But I was trying to argue against a support system? It's not necessarily true; I could go live on my own-- and really BE on my own. I don't have to have ANY friends.

But honestly, I don't feel like that's the best decision-- not because I wouldn't like to be alone for once-- but because I know that it's hard to make any sort of difference in the world if you don't know how to get along with people, and to enjoy people's company.

I'd like to get better at that. In fact, it's one of my far-off goals. Maybe now is the time to work on it. This is my opportunity. (That's why I don't want to give up and just move out. I don't think it's the right solution, in the end, because it's the easy way out of the problem. I don't want to make the problem go away, I want to FIX it.)

Yes! That's my problem! I'm terrible at getting to know people BECAUSE OF my inability to lean on others... and therefore, of course, I can't help others by letting THEM lean on ME! Which is a great reason for why I don't easily make friends. :I

ohhhh. I get it!

This is just another challenge-- I've got to do these things to be a better person, and in order to stop being such a boring, awful family member and friend.

1) Let my parents help me. Accept advice and allow myself to lean on other people when I need it.

2) Help others. Become responsible and caring for how others could be feeling-- imagine how I would feel in that person's position-- I'd be in need a listening ear, advice when I've asked for it, and general help and support.

Basically, I need to work on my responsiveness in relationships--let others help me, because I DO need it. Help others, NOT because they are pathetic, but because they feel just like me.

It is NOT pathetic to need help. It is NOT SAD or ABNORMAL. It's HUMAN. EVERYBODY needs HELP-- it's like a melody. A note hanging in the air, all by itself, is nothing but a pitch. But with two notes, three notes, twenty notes, it goes somewhere. It can rise above mountains. People need each other. Now I'm going to remember this, and stop being an idiot.

Oh boy. If there is anybody, ever, reading this, please tell me what you think. I'd love comments. 'Cause I don't know what I'm doing! An outside perspective... as in, outside of my confusing head... would really help. (Seriously, all I can see in here is swirling clouds of steam.) Ha ha. I feel kind of silly. It doesn't seem like anyone would want to read this! I have bad confidence, but I suspect that this is really just a lot of rambling. But I mustn't worry about that! Rambling is helpful to me. okay okay okay. I'm going to bed NOW.