Indecisive, Yet Again!

Aargh, I JUST dropped my laptop. Sideways though, on carpet, about 2.5 feet. Nothing happened. Anyway, not the point.

I am worried that the career I'm choosing isn't tailor-made for me. I don't spend time doing teacher-like things, I spend time on the internet. I organize my bookmarks, research schools, learn Japanese, watch MOVIES, explore videos, discuss things with people, writing long blogs....

What if I'm meant to be, I dunno, doing something relating with computers? My counselor suggested that. I could also be a writer, or an actress. These are things I actually do, and enjoy. I like to write, I love to pretend, I love stories. I love faking things, and being dramatic. I'm a natural actress, somewhat, I think, and I'd love to be famous, but I'm so scared. Would I be the sort of person to succeed as an actress? As a writer, I'd get bored, I think. As an actress, I'd want to be very successful, and that's super hard. Which is why I'm scared. And in neither of those professions do I have experience. Plus, most actresses start young. I don't think I could compete. I really should give up on those ideas.

I always go round and round. I hate it, because I've ALREADY considered these options, and that's WHY I chose what I'm trying to do now-- music, a little teaching, and doing it in another language. It's what I want... kind of.

But I think the problem is, I am afraid I won't be successful, and I don't feel like I want it as much as other things. But if I do a music major, though, I could use it to perform. That is almost the same as acting, image-wise. But not in experience. I like the idea of acting because it would be glorious to EXPERIENCE taking on so many personas. I adore stories. But I'm over 20. I can't do that. *sob* :,( No, :) I'm not really crying. I'm sighing.

This is dumb. What I've picked for myself is as perfect as it can be. If acting is for me, it will have to come to me. I can't see myself being right for that. Plus, my complexion isn't perfect. It's gotten better after I got a prescription from the doctor, but I think that's a hurdle I can't just step over as an actress.

Okay, I'm shutting up about this. What I need to do is this: consider everything, but take time to practice piano more. I really could be happy doing that, but how can I know if that's true if I'm not practicing now? I'll never get anywhere unless I get moving on it. Practicing is a slow process; it's time to get started! :)

I wrote down on my daily notes list: "Get a job :) DO be excited (be myself). Do NOT be afraid (don't be myself)!"