Game Sta---..... Not Yet.

I started a post a while ago and stopped for some reason and nobody got to read it.

I don't care, though, because it was mostly empty!

Now I'm going to add to it.

Basically, my blog needs improving. It's lacking in changes. Since I'm going to remodel my room, I should remodel here, too!

I am really bad at remodeling. The reason I say this is because I like to horde junk. What I mean by this is that I can't change things. To me, changes seem like a big deal, but other people probably wouildn't notice whatever is different.

For example, I have a hard time getting rid of clothes. Thus, when I got six large packing boxes sent to me (Wednesday, was it?) filled with my clothes from Atlantis, I (surprise!) didn't need any of the clothes! I really just need to get rid of some. Now everything is falling out of drawers, or the drawers won't close, and plus, I need a lot more hangers. And the little cubbies on the top of my closet are heavy and overflowing with random holey hot chocolate- stained pajama shorts and high-school t-shirts that used to be nice that have little holes by the belly button (from when I had to hold my pants up with a belt and the belt caught)....

Lately I catch my lacy dresses on drawer handles in the kitchen a lot, and tear holes in them. ARRRRG. It makes me really mad, mostly at the lacy dress.

I know what you're thinking. You're like, JUST GIVE AWAY THE OLD STUFF, CARA!

Thank you. That really helps. I'm glad you reminded me, because I was starting to go crazy knowing I needed to get rid of 50% of my clothing and yet I can't see any of the raggedy clothes under my nose as being get-rid-of-able.

But they are! I'm glad I have you here reading this so you could remind me of that. :)

Mmmmmm, KAY. There are a few things I need to make apparent to my self.

1. My blog is totally outdated. 
Not, like, boring or old, but just... I haven't changed it for a while. I need to change it for a bit of inspiration. Sabbath (Saturday) or some other free day would be a good time to spend a while making it anew.

2. I need to learn Japanese... by using what I work with everyday. I need to type up and practice the kanji in アニメ that I watch, or even more, the words that I hear the most. Give myself a time limit for working on this project.
examples: ヤマトナデシコ七変化*

3. I'm going to make a schedule. Then I'll explain it to you, and talk about how I'm doing and accept scoldings when I don't go to bed on time. Hopefully I won't need scolding for not making it to work. (I am so ashamed I am late sometimes, but I've got to be positive and do my best!)

4. I have to start journaling about the medicines I take so that I have an understanding of how they affect me. I'll set up a separate page for it when it's not interesting and just factual, and update a small list there. And I can write about it in a post if there's a lot to talk about it.

Musings After the Party

Just kidding. It wasn't a party.

Thoughts I came up with that I need to journal about now:

Merrick: I'm in love with him. But today I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth and washing my face and I thought of something. I know Merrick isn't always confident about himself. He says he is, but it's not exactly true, maybe he doesn't realize it. I know he does some things I do that are not confident, like giving in to situations instead of having hope and trying over and over again, or being so practical to the point of being hopelessness. For instance, he doesn't voice his opinion if "it's not going to do any good". Or he is uncertain, instead of sure, with a few things.

But Merrick teaches me to be so much more confident. I want to reflect those values right back at him. But I was thinking, what can I do to help him be more confident?

Or more what I'm trying to say is, to help him reach his true potential, and be the biggest, best-est person he's meant to be?

There are a number of things most people would suggest at this point. After all, I'm Merrick's girlfriend. But I'm not talking basic or simple stuff.

And I was thinking, there's nothing I CAN do, not long term. Nothing that can actually change him. 'Cause it's up to him, of course. I can't change who he is or form his character or be the potter and he my clay piece of art on a spinning wheel.

But in a way, that's not quite true--there's something I can do. I think it's the best solution I've come up with yet, although it's a bit self-serving and weird. But I like it.

I can change myself. If I become a greater person and maintain my high opinion of him, he has to become aware of my the truth in my words and devotion to him. Haha. I sound like a weird girlfriend. But do you know what I mean? It's the only thing I can do, coming from my side of things. All I can do is change me. And certainly if he is who I believe he is, he can keep up with my changes. We can compete with each other, and grow together, and build a garden out of our relationship, intertwining in strength and abilities. It will be amazing. I am so excited for this.

The other thought I had, when I was spurred into motivation to begin a journal here on Diary of Cara, I have... forgotten...

What was it?

The saying that if you can't remember, it wasn't important... does not apply to me. I forget and/or remember all things equally. Argh.