Musings After the Party

Just kidding. It wasn't a party.

Thoughts I came up with that I need to journal about now:

Merrick: I'm in love with him. But today I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth and washing my face and I thought of something. I know Merrick isn't always confident about himself. He says he is, but it's not exactly true, maybe he doesn't realize it. I know he does some things I do that are not confident, like giving in to situations instead of having hope and trying over and over again, or being so practical to the point of being hopelessness. For instance, he doesn't voice his opinion if "it's not going to do any good". Or he is uncertain, instead of sure, with a few things.

But Merrick teaches me to be so much more confident. I want to reflect those values right back at him. But I was thinking, what can I do to help him be more confident?

Or more what I'm trying to say is, to help him reach his true potential, and be the biggest, best-est person he's meant to be?

There are a number of things most people would suggest at this point. After all, I'm Merrick's girlfriend. But I'm not talking basic or simple stuff.

And I was thinking, there's nothing I CAN do, not long term. Nothing that can actually change him. 'Cause it's up to him, of course. I can't change who he is or form his character or be the potter and he my clay piece of art on a spinning wheel.

But in a way, that's not quite true--there's something I can do. I think it's the best solution I've come up with yet, although it's a bit self-serving and weird. But I like it.

I can change myself. If I become a greater person and maintain my high opinion of him, he has to become aware of my the truth in my words and devotion to him. Haha. I sound like a weird girlfriend. But do you know what I mean? It's the only thing I can do, coming from my side of things. All I can do is change me. And certainly if he is who I believe he is, he can keep up with my changes. We can compete with each other, and grow together, and build a garden out of our relationship, intertwining in strength and abilities. It will be amazing. I am so excited for this.

The other thought I had, when I was spurred into motivation to begin a journal here on Diary of Cara, I have... forgotten...

What was it?

The saying that if you can't remember, it wasn't important... does not apply to me. I forget and/or remember all things equally. Argh.