I don't take things seriously until I'm forced to. Like, deadlines, and death, and other stuff. Things, especially the results of time and clocks, creep up on me and I'm not prepared for things. I'm GOOD at preparing for things if I make myself, but so often I don't take whatever it is seriously enough until I'm really, really late!
Yeah, I KNOW that the modern term people use is procrastination. But anyway, I do not like this about myself. Sure, it's funny and everything, but I would rather I didn't have this funny thing about myself.
NOT COOL. And really DANGEROUS, in many circumstances.
What can I do to remind myself of the importance of finding that emotion, "HERE IT IS!" ?
How can I find it...
it happens to me... I mean, I procrastinate in these areas:
bedtime
getting a job
answering questions I should/need answers to
cleaning, sometimes
sleeping even if I'm sleepy
studying
showering (LOL)
eating
1. one idea is this: I procrastinate while I'm busy doing something else, like, I don't eat midnight dinner, because I've been stuck at my computer studying and typing this.
2. I'm afraid to FACE FEAR or MAKE A (complex? irritating?) DECISION about something.
3. I'm lazy and I don't think about my goal at the time.
4. I'm too sleepy to focus, or possibly other things like anger, sadness, or jumpiness.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Trying, Giving Up, and Stars.
I sometimes get a big head and I stop trying so hard. It has to do with the way I practice the piano, or I change the way I dance, or think, or really ANYTHING that has to do with "trying".
I think, "wow, I did a good job!" and immediately, I stop trying to surpass who I am, and I am happy with myself.
I'm not sure how to explain that a person should accept herself, while at the same time, she mustn't stop trying to be better.
(It's like, when I want to lose weight, it's NOT because I don't ACCEPT myself! It's because while I do like who I am, I know I will like myself better if I have better blood pressure and health!)
But that's why they say humans are meant to have someone to look up to, a mentor, or an idol, or a god-- they are meant to "worship" some kind of "diety". And God says to us in the Bible that we should have HIM as our number one person that we look up to. God is like the ultimate mentor.
I'm talking about this because I am weird and I get really obsessed with things, whatever I'm into lately. It started with reading, where it was totally necessary to read every single book that I found interest in to start. The chronicles of narnia I remember especially, and Harry Potter was amazing too, and the House of the Scorpion, and probably a hundred others. Then I moved on to TV, which made less time for books. It started with Smallville, and another major milestone was Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Now I like anime, and let me tell you! it takes up a lot of time :) But I do like it.
The only problem is, I'm a Christian, Seventh-day Adventist, and that means I recognize that my life, naturally, will only last for a certain amount of time and I might should be living for some kind of reason. Right? So my reason is God, and although you might say that's just what I've been "taught", it's what I believe as well.
I just get DISTRACTED sometimes. It's not like I have to get rid of the things I like, such as Anime. Certainly, God wouldn't mind if I dedicated myself to him even more, but if anime inspires me to learn Japanese and go to Japan and be some sort of Christian example there, God might actually want me to take this path anyway. That's what I'm thinking, at least.
But sometimes I worry that I'm putting my love of this world and material stuff and my interest succeeding at making money or in a career is... something I put BEFORE God. "You shall have no other gods before me".
Sometimes it's good to worry a little. What if you didn't worry at all and you effectively take the wrong path because you didn't think about your decisions?!
So I don't ever want to forget: I mustn't ever stop trying to surpass myself because I've become satisfied. I must be looking toward a "mentor" - mine is God because I think He's the best - and always shooting for the stars. It's when you stop and say to yourself, "good job" and "that's enough" at the same time, that you lose focus.
"Good job" might be okay by itself, but you can't say "that's enough" as well.
I can't just sit back with, "I'm done with that".
I won't be done until I'm dead.
After that, well I don't know the specific details on what happens, lol... :'|
And so, along with not giving up, I want to make sure I remember to use God as my wishing star, my to-shoot-for point, and to remember, at all times, that I might put other things before Him-- so I've got to watch for that!
Since I have the potential, eternally, to make mistakes right after I've promised myself I won't, losing my will to watch out for those things is dangerous.
I think, "wow, I did a good job!" and immediately, I stop trying to surpass who I am, and I am happy with myself.
I'm not sure how to explain that a person should accept herself, while at the same time, she mustn't stop trying to be better.
(It's like, when I want to lose weight, it's NOT because I don't ACCEPT myself! It's because while I do like who I am, I know I will like myself better if I have better blood pressure and health!)
But that's why they say humans are meant to have someone to look up to, a mentor, or an idol, or a god-- they are meant to "worship" some kind of "diety". And God says to us in the Bible that we should have HIM as our number one person that we look up to. God is like the ultimate mentor.
I'm talking about this because I am weird and I get really obsessed with things, whatever I'm into lately. It started with reading, where it was totally necessary to read every single book that I found interest in to start. The chronicles of narnia I remember especially, and Harry Potter was amazing too, and the House of the Scorpion, and probably a hundred others. Then I moved on to TV, which made less time for books. It started with Smallville, and another major milestone was Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Now I like anime, and let me tell you! it takes up a lot of time :) But I do like it.
The only problem is, I'm a Christian, Seventh-day Adventist, and that means I recognize that my life, naturally, will only last for a certain amount of time and I might should be living for some kind of reason. Right? So my reason is God, and although you might say that's just what I've been "taught", it's what I believe as well.
I just get DISTRACTED sometimes. It's not like I have to get rid of the things I like, such as Anime. Certainly, God wouldn't mind if I dedicated myself to him even more, but if anime inspires me to learn Japanese and go to Japan and be some sort of Christian example there, God might actually want me to take this path anyway. That's what I'm thinking, at least.
But sometimes I worry that I'm putting my love of this world and material stuff and my interest succeeding at making money or in a career is... something I put BEFORE God. "You shall have no other gods before me".
Sometimes it's good to worry a little. What if you didn't worry at all and you effectively take the wrong path because you didn't think about your decisions?!
So I don't ever want to forget: I mustn't ever stop trying to surpass myself because I've become satisfied. I must be looking toward a "mentor" - mine is God because I think He's the best - and always shooting for the stars. It's when you stop and say to yourself, "good job" and "that's enough" at the same time, that you lose focus.
"Good job" might be okay by itself, but you can't say "that's enough" as well.
I can't just sit back with, "I'm done with that".
I won't be done until I'm dead.
After that, well I don't know the specific details on what happens, lol... :'|
And so, along with not giving up, I want to make sure I remember to use God as my wishing star, my to-shoot-for point, and to remember, at all times, that I might put other things before Him-- so I've got to watch for that!
Since I have the potential, eternally, to make mistakes right after I've promised myself I won't, losing my will to watch out for those things is dangerous.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
A Daily Post: The Beginning?
Okay, daily post! except not, 'cause it's the first time! :')
I think that posting daily might be better, and I might avoid posting once in a while, but even when I don't feel like I have something to say, I should post. My diary doesn't need to be a place where I have to record every important thought. Sometimes I come up with helpful thoughts, this is an example: "me not getting a job is due to NOTHING except for the fact that I am LAZY!" okay, so with thoughts like these, I get about one or two every day, and sometimes if I'm exhausted enough, I'll get about ten. So I'm like, GOTTA WRITE IT DOWN!
Sometimes I quit this weird "need to write down my ideas" thing, and instead work more on remembering without writing by putting these epiphanies to good use in real life.
So I just want to make clear, and to remind myself in the future, that I shouldn't be writing this diary to catch escaping brain matter! I should use writing as an outlet in itself, and therefore I will be learning new things as I write.
That means I will make the most progress when I am really open and truthful with myself (and whoever might be reading this).
That's a more effective way to journal-- don't just write about your day in a way as if you were planning what you were going to write-- write about your day, and your honest thoughts at the moment you are writing too, and just let it FLOW! So don't hold back what you're thinking.
I'm worried about getting a job. I'm worried about getting my Dad's stress level down. He just stresses. Nothing can un-stress him. That's a bad thing.
I'm re-starting Skip Beat! I've also assigned kanji-learning to myself before I can watch certain episodes from various animes, like a "rental" or "price". But not all of them, just some. This is my link for that list: CR watchlist with Episode Prices ;)
And now I am very hungry. Ta-ta!
I think that posting daily might be better, and I might avoid posting once in a while, but even when I don't feel like I have something to say, I should post. My diary doesn't need to be a place where I have to record every important thought. Sometimes I come up with helpful thoughts, this is an example: "me not getting a job is due to NOTHING except for the fact that I am LAZY!" okay, so with thoughts like these, I get about one or two every day, and sometimes if I'm exhausted enough, I'll get about ten. So I'm like, GOTTA WRITE IT DOWN!
Sometimes I quit this weird "need to write down my ideas" thing, and instead work more on remembering without writing by putting these epiphanies to good use in real life.
So I just want to make clear, and to remind myself in the future, that I shouldn't be writing this diary to catch escaping brain matter! I should use writing as an outlet in itself, and therefore I will be learning new things as I write.
That means I will make the most progress when I am really open and truthful with myself (and whoever might be reading this).
That's a more effective way to journal-- don't just write about your day in a way as if you were planning what you were going to write-- write about your day, and your honest thoughts at the moment you are writing too, and just let it FLOW! So don't hold back what you're thinking.
I'm worried about getting a job. I'm worried about getting my Dad's stress level down. He just stresses. Nothing can un-stress him. That's a bad thing.
I'm re-starting Skip Beat! I've also assigned kanji-learning to myself before I can watch certain episodes from various animes, like a "rental" or "price". But not all of them, just some. This is my link for that list: CR watchlist with Episode Prices ;)
And now I am very hungry. Ta-ta!
Friday, June 10, 2011
Standing on my Own?
My dad wants me to get a job; actually my whole family does.
I put it off. I've been putting it off for a long time.
I did go and get one, at one time, at the beginning of last year, but I lost it because I said "no" to too many of the on-call shifts.
I think I didn't really want that job, though. Next time I get a job, I'm making it important to ME. I can't just get another job for no reason except that other people will get mad at me if I'm not working.
It's not other people's fault, sometimes I blame them. But really, it's my fault for not making the right decisions, and sometimes, standing back hoping that I won't have to make any. I haven't been strong, I haven't stood up for myself and said "THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO DO!" and then done it.
I'm going to do that now. I keep forgetting, going backwards, and letting others change how I feel about my decisions. I get lazy or think that everything is okay. I sit back and say, "I'll live tomorrow."
But I'm not safe. It's not okay. This is life. I live on Earth and I'm a human. I could get in a car accident while heading to walmart. I could get cancer or burn up in a fire. One of my friends could die. I could lose my parents, after all, I'm 22 and they are in their fifties.
There are a million other brutal or sad things that could happen.
But the main point is that I could die tomorrow.
It's time to take up my own hands, stand up with my own body, and live for myself first. Only then can I be a tool who can help others as well. Without being my whole self, I'm a person without her own will.
1. Each moment is available for only that moment, so choose what I want to do now, and stop thinking about the future and the past. Remember I could die, and that doesn't mean when I'm eighty.
2. What CAN I do? Think in possiblilities.
3. I avoid starting work because I don't want to not finish. Quit that, it's pointless. Instead think of what I CAN do and have fun with it, this is my life. -->1) accept what's going on RIGHT NOW 2) what is the best course of action? REMEMBER starting is only the bad part, once you move past starting, you'll have fun. 3) attack! 4) enough? distracted? go to #1) again.
4. try really really really hard, I mean it, really, to get enough sleep and wake up in the morning.
5. what really motivates me? do that! choose when to stop though, and remember I have strength, so I don't have to give in to my wants and feelings. THIS IS A HINT TO LIMIT MY ANIME WATCHING -o- and that is me yawning. at four. am. x-`|
6. Do NOT beat yourself up for things that aren't "GOOD ENOUGH". My family has taught me to do that to myself, and now I have my own habits of doing it, even after my mother and brother have learned to treat me more like the marshmallow I am. So really, stop the self-mutilation already.
7. The moment you give up is when you die.
8. うみねこのなく頃に anime Jessica says, "No matter how hard someone's heart is, if you keep on talking to them little by little, it'll eventually start to crack! I believe it! I believe that useless effort doesn't exist in this world! I bet a man couldn't understand it. A girl in love... doesn't even think about giving up just because it's useless!"
9. Patience. Listen. <- really important (i.e. to dad, mom, teddy.) pay attention to how they're feeling, validate their feelings by responding, !IN A WAY that's fair to me also. do not assume that they need to change something because of my opinion, assume that they are awesome and know what they are doing for the most part.
10. It doesn't matter what time you wake up. If you take an attitude of worrying that you didn't wake up at six, you're simply doing the same thing as when you try to rush with something. Just take life as it comes--instead of squeezing the sand in your hand, open your hand and the breeze won't take as much as you think it will-- and you'll be in more control in the end. One thing at a time.
Tomorrow: job resolution.
I put it off. I've been putting it off for a long time.
I did go and get one, at one time, at the beginning of last year, but I lost it because I said "no" to too many of the on-call shifts.
I think I didn't really want that job, though. Next time I get a job, I'm making it important to ME. I can't just get another job for no reason except that other people will get mad at me if I'm not working.
It's not other people's fault, sometimes I blame them. But really, it's my fault for not making the right decisions, and sometimes, standing back hoping that I won't have to make any. I haven't been strong, I haven't stood up for myself and said "THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO DO!" and then done it.
I'm going to do that now. I keep forgetting, going backwards, and letting others change how I feel about my decisions. I get lazy or think that everything is okay. I sit back and say, "I'll live tomorrow."
But I'm not safe. It's not okay. This is life. I live on Earth and I'm a human. I could get in a car accident while heading to walmart. I could get cancer or burn up in a fire. One of my friends could die. I could lose my parents, after all, I'm 22 and they are in their fifties.
There are a million other brutal or sad things that could happen.
But the main point is that I could die tomorrow.
It's time to take up my own hands, stand up with my own body, and live for myself first. Only then can I be a tool who can help others as well. Without being my whole self, I'm a person without her own will.
1. Each moment is available for only that moment, so choose what I want to do now, and stop thinking about the future and the past. Remember I could die, and that doesn't mean when I'm eighty.
2. What CAN I do? Think in possiblilities.
3. I avoid starting work because I don't want to not finish. Quit that, it's pointless. Instead think of what I CAN do and have fun with it, this is my life. -->1) accept what's going on RIGHT NOW 2) what is the best course of action? REMEMBER starting is only the bad part, once you move past starting, you'll have fun. 3) attack! 4) enough? distracted? go to #1) again.
4. try really really really hard, I mean it, really, to get enough sleep and wake up in the morning.
5. what really motivates me? do that! choose when to stop though, and remember I have strength, so I don't have to give in to my wants and feelings. THIS IS A HINT TO LIMIT MY ANIME WATCHING -o- and that is me yawning. at four. am. x-`|
6. Do NOT beat yourself up for things that aren't "GOOD ENOUGH". My family has taught me to do that to myself, and now I have my own habits of doing it, even after my mother and brother have learned to treat me more like the marshmallow I am. So really, stop the self-mutilation already.
7. The moment you give up is when you die.
8. うみねこのなく頃に anime Jessica says, "No matter how hard someone's heart is, if you keep on talking to them little by little, it'll eventually start to crack! I believe it! I believe that useless effort doesn't exist in this world! I bet a man couldn't understand it. A girl in love... doesn't even think about giving up just because it's useless!"
9. Patience. Listen. <- really important (i.e. to dad, mom, teddy.) pay attention to how they're feeling, validate their feelings by responding, !IN A WAY that's fair to me also. do not assume that they need to change something because of my opinion, assume that they are awesome and know what they are doing for the most part.
10. It doesn't matter what time you wake up. If you take an attitude of worrying that you didn't wake up at six, you're simply doing the same thing as when you try to rush with something. Just take life as it comes--instead of squeezing the sand in your hand, open your hand and the breeze won't take as much as you think it will-- and you'll be in more control in the end. One thing at a time.
Tomorrow: job resolution.
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