God being supportive

It seems a little scary to admit this but... I have to express how happy it makes me!

I've been in some pretty bad places in life. Not compared to some people, but emotionally, I have. I guess I don't have to compare myself to others to explain this. I shouldn't do that... anyway.

I've been homeless, I've hated myself (still do often), I have been alone in the world, with only my two feet to stand on. It was something like rock-bottom. Everything I have today-- my apartment, my husband, my job, is based on experiences I have gained since that rock-bottom place, it feels like. I suppose there were good things /before/ rock bottom that helped shape me, too. (Like childhood and sweet parents.)

But I just feel like God has gotten me here. Like everything I did was just minuscule or nothingness compared to what he can do  (and did) for me. I feel like David in the Psalms when he talks about being lifted up, and where his enemies are smote by the Lord's hand, and how God solves his problems for him. (I sometimes feel sorry for his enemies. But I think the point is that God solved his problems, and that those enemies could potentially symbolize issues, not necessarily people. But yes, sometimes people.)

It was like that for me. I feel completely supported by God. It feels so good to admit that everything I have is his. That he got me here, and not me. 

You know why? 'Cuz if *I* got me here, then I have a lot of work to do to get farther. And that's exhausting to even think about! This was hard enough, just riding on God's coat tails. It was difficult staying on the sled he was driving, hurtling us down the mountain, and without crashing into any trees, too. And now I'm supposed to walk myself all up that mountain so I can do it all by myself, again? No, sir! I would prefer to get a lift from the creator of the universe, thanks tho... He's the best driver, too.

This isn't self-depreciation like it might sound. It's such a relief to keep this in mind. That it's not up to me. And I don't even have to know where I'm going. 

*Whew.*

*Goes back to taking it one day at a time*

Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Electronic Mail to my Employment Advocate

Hi Raul! I have great news. My shifts at the Sky Cupcake & Coffee didn't work out for me. I suppose I need more experience in customer service. However, I applied with Skyway Telemarketers, and am working 30 hours a week with them!

When I saw the e-mail from you, I went and visited them on Wednesday. Even though it was after 2:30, I happened to catch the receptionist, and she set me up for an interview at nine the next day. Then on Friday I went back for training, and started work this Monday. Today is my second day, and I think I'm doing well! Along with my 30 hours there and my 8-20 hours at Starland's, I am working plenty, and it works well with my schedule and religious accommodation to have Saturdays off. Thanks for all your help!

I apologize for not making my e-mail more concise; I hope it helps that I bolded the main points. :)

If I ever want to apply to Skyway Foods in the future, because I happen to really like them, how best would I apply?

Also, can I come get my gift certificates when I'm not busy? I don't know when that will be, though. I don't leave myself much time to pause.

My last bit of good news is that I am no longer homeless and about to move into a very safe room in a shared house, inexpensively rented to me, and near one of the Ascadia Community College campuses so I can get education in the future.

Thanks,

~ Cara Lowing, Full-time Employed Worker!

This is a battle. Anxiety! And some text artsy stuff.

I was thinking about... forced pressure, real and unalterable pressure, the difference between my anxiety between the two and the reason for that being that I believe I can change or refuse one of them. I'd like to get used to dealing with any pressure.

The best way to do that is to think　about the situation from an observant perspective! Even more, a LOGICAL perspective. I must stand back and act like a queen at war. This isn't about worrying-- this is about how the little details make up the big details, which determine lives lost and saved, and determines the fate of the battle, and the fate of 戦争 (war).

There is the kind of worrying that I do because I'm anxious. I'm so anxious that my worry builds up and it is very time consuming, really pretty distracting and absorbing, so to avoid it I stop worrying.

Ha. Well, not worrying is good. But IGNORING your problems is bad. And when I "stop worrying" in order to quit feeling anxious, I give up on even thinking about my problems.

It's a useful skill when there's nothing you can do. In fact, it can really hurt, like my dad, for instance, when you have a problem that is you can't fix, or that you have to wait to fix, or that must fix itself, and you can't stop worrying about it. I mean seriously... that's where grey hair comes from.

Okay, I know it's the lack of melanin or hair color, I read that last week. Anyway :)

So I need to think:

Worrying = bad.

Forgetting or avoiding = bad.

therefore ignoring and procrastination also not recommended.

Analyzing like a logical leader of some kind = good.

Analyzing like a logical princess = good.

Use the royalty comparison if you need to feel confident :)

On my computer I refer to myself as 「姫」　「姫様」 and the like

OKAY!!! ONE MORE THING I almost forgot ^^ I'm so excited.

K, so I made this huge list of emoticon kinds of things. I hope you can see this, but if you can't see weird characters or Japanese on your computer it might not work. Anyway, look at this, can you tell who or what it resembles?
〜〰[ ‹⊚´]
__ミΘ`̪´Θミ

〜(‹⊚´)
ﾐΘ` ̠´Θﾐ


k well, it's not too obvious... this is naruto in sage mode, with the frog eyes, and the squigle is his head-band (?) with the tie blowing in the wind. I tried to recreate the leaf symbol... hahaha... anyway, go ahead and use it if you want! it's so dumb, I know.

If you have Japanese fonts on you computer, it's likely you have a lot of symbols available in "Character Map" which is a program available in you computer's accessories or something. On windows, that is. I don't know what you'll find if you have other fonts instead.

Well, I may as well show you the others! :) Be careful. Sometimes these symbols are meant as strange things that don't actually function as text, but change paragraphs around or go underneath other words. Sometimes I accidentally make all the words type backwards. It's very weird.

ﾐ▴˛˛▴ﾐ

☉☉

◞. .◟

◞._.◟ ⊣␣⊢ >␣< c_c ¬_¬ ¬̻¬ º̯º º ̯ º ¬ ̠¬ 〜〰[ ‹⊚´] ミΘ`̪´Θミ ﾐ▴˛˛▴ﾐ ☉☉ ◞. .◟ ◞._.◟ ⊣␣⊢ >␣< c_c ¬̻¬ º̯º º ̯ º ¬ ̠¬ ^̺^ ͡ ̺ ͡ ┏_┏ ﾐΘ` ̠´Θﾐ ミΘ ̯ Θミ ΞﾐΘ_ΘﾐΞ ﾐ▴˛˛▴ﾐ ﾐ ミ ☉ ☉ ◞. .◟ ◞._.◟ ⊣␣⊢ >␣< c_c 　̽̽ ̽　　　

¬_¬ 　 ¬̻ ¬ º̯º º ̯ º


¬ ̠¬ ¬_¬ ¬_¬ ¬ ̠¬


^̺^ ͡ ͡ ͡ ̺ ͡

Don't mind me, I Forgot My Medication o.O

So, I'm taking this medication now called ZOLOFT. Or some generic of that, I guess. Who knows :p I have started the pills really sloo-o-o-owly, so it doesn't upset my stomach and make my moods weird, or I'm guessing so anyway.

I figure it is a good idea to journal on how I feel, so that I can think about how it's helping and how I can help myself in the areas it can't change me.

Since I'm taking it for anxiety, I would have thought it would help just with that, but the day before I started the medication, I was feeling really horrible, I mean upset and crying about every five minutes. Now, that was because the adults in my family had been treating me kind of like they were irritated at me, and really getting on my case about this and that, and I also hadn't slept even a minute the night before. But even so, I think that kind of reaction (crying constantly) and the sadness I feel a lot of other times, might be a little bit of ... depression.

And Zoloft is for depression, too. Apparently. Now that I think about it, it makes sense, but I won't be all analytical and explain what I'm thinking about why. :) Anyway, I think I'm not just an anxious person, but emotional enough that I might be TOO sad, sometimes, when I don't need to be.

So I hope this medicine makes me more lively in a consistent way!  Because I consider myself a lively person, but there are times when I suspect I'm that way because trying to be that way. Trying really hard, too. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to be easily happy, simply happy, when I have reason to be (happy life, loving family) without having to force myself. I want to live prosperously, and not wait and postpone important things like leaving the house to get a job.

I think this medication will help. I feel a little bit better already, but it's possible I'm imagining it. For instance, I feel like there are more options available to me. I might be less anxious, but I really don't know... Haha, who knows?! I'll know more when I'm at my regular dose, in a few days.

Boring talking.

I don't have a lot in mind right now, so I'll just be reaching for words I think.

I just feel bad for not posting for a while, it's got to be some kind of crime to leave a post up for too long about Heroic Age, it will definitely get old.

So anyway, I haven't done anything new lately. Really. Here's to truth telling.

I don't have a job. I have something wrong with my foot (the toe joint I think? it's just kind of damage from too much Dance Dance Revolution stomping, and made worse by running). I also have extreme procrastination. Both those things I described are things I like to say are my excuses. But they don't matter. And now that I'm realizing that, consistently, daily, plus my dad's deadline "we'll help you *RELOCATE* if you don't get a job by september one" is moving my butt along. Thinking, at least.

AARRG!

I'm not angry :)  I'm WORRIED. About myself. And this book my counselor gave me about worrying has been hinting that worrying is just something you do to make yourself feel better when you should really think about how your feeling. So you can avoid your feelings by worrying? Haha, NOT COOL!

And that is what leads to my hesitation. Simple.

I mean, you know, kind of simple....!?!

Does anybody have any tips on how to FEEL like going to sleep when it's time? I have an aversion to it. A huge aversion. I need to just go to bed, just like I need to get a job.

Or better yet, tips on how to wake up even if you haven't had enough sleep. 

It's like I'm depressed, or something. No. It's like I'm depressed.

Listening to: BRIGHT RAiN by miku and a producer I don't know. Eeek so cool. oh, it's my blog playlist :)

Oh! I would really like to buy a lot of manga. I only buy it in Japanese, but unfortunately I can't even try to understand it, despite my strong belief in myself, it obviously means nothing to have hope in learning a language until its... learned, you can't read it. You can't PARTLY learn Japanese and understand manga, you have to FINISH learning Japanese first. Oh well. I don't care, I still want the rest of Black Butler, and all of these: Hanasakeru Seishonen, Paradise Kiss, Glass Mask, Fruits basket, Tegami Bachi, Skip Beat!, and White Album. I WAAANT them so this will be my motivation to go start working and saving money, hmmm?????? :)

Ah. My counselor also gave me info on how to call a nurse practitioner (?) about anxiety. I have lots I could say about what I think and why I might be a anxious person about certain things, but in short: I think pills might help, just to see how they change the way I think. Sometimes I think I need to calm down... :)

And. A sweet person on PianoStreet forum told me that I'm not old, and this person started his/her bachelors at 23 yrs old. YAY! SOB. CRY. :...........(

Kiichigo died. Also sad about that. His fishtank is in the storeroom. Lets see if I can type his name in Japanese, I've never done it before: 木苺 that doesn't look right...　google says it's right. It must be right. It means raspberry ^^

Thanks for reading. Bye. ♥

Hopefully one of the Final Lists. Comprehensive!

+++Here are the things I need to do to fix my life and take responsibility for things (i.e. the decisions I need to make, that I haven't been making, I suppose?).+++

1. start getting some things done every day, and accomplish this by doing that at set hours of the day instead of waiting till end of the day and doing them all at once or not getting them done. 

[This one includes solving my school problem -- getting good grades now, OR quitting now and just focusing on working at a new job I will find, making money so that I can quit work in the fall (sept. 2011 and focus just on school or have school and just a part time job.)]

2. don't use negative thoughts to motivate myself, and replace the "judgmental" negative ones with the opposite. (I had heard I shouldn't judge myself, but I didn't know what to do instead, so silly, right?)

3. this one uses #2. when it comes to starting a project, don't start with the thought that I might not finish. EXPECT to quit in the middle. This is what will happen anyway. INSTEAD of wat I usually do, get into the habit of starting, stopping, starting, stopping, and thinking positive thoughts throughout all that-- this is so I don't have to worry about expectations. I can't handle those expectations now, and I'd do okay without them.)

4. when I start having "worry spells" (? (: ) and I can't think straight because of it,  I have to develop a kind of tactic. first, I replace bad thoughts with positive ones-- like feeling happy about myself, accepting and enjoying my own character as is, and having hope, at least, if not hardcore belief, that I could succeed in whatever I'm attempting. This tactic is still evolving, I think there might be other things I could do. 

- immerse myself in a simple task, like breathing, or praying.

5. and, of course, really trying to read this list, and IMPLEMENT it. the IMPLEMENTATION is the part I always forget. ;)

6. 1 simple thing: do yr homework the night before and get enough sleep to wake up, or don't expect that it's possible to make it to class prepared; therefore you won't be going or have any homework done. (THAT IS WHAT WILL HAPPEN.)

THINGS FROM MY LAST BLOG THAT I WANT TO PUT INTO THIS ONE BUT I DON'T HAVE TIME TO YET:
I need to look at just the steps.

So, back to number one and two.
1. I am afraid, so I get anxious.
2. That's because I avoid making decisions.
3. THAT leads to it turning into a circle -- 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2....

I need to find a way to deal with fear when it hits me. I'm not always going to be prepared for things, and so fear is normal. I need to NOT hide, and instead FACE the problem.

When I do get anxious due to my fear, and I stop thinking straight, I have to figure out how to stop myself so that I can think again, and then deal with the fear.

I MUST FIGHT FOR THIS

So... if I was giving myself self-counseling, instead of going to someone, which is my preference :) here's what I would tell myself. I'm writing these things because they're essential to my getting a life, and if I remembered them I think it would solve everything.

1. I have anxiety, and once it starts, I don't know how to stop it, and so it gets worse.
2. I get anxious when I am afraid and I can't face something-- usually a decision that I'm afraid to make-- and so I avoid it. I'm very good at avoiding things, but when I do that, I am often literally acting like a child. First, I might hide from the problem (under my bed, in closets, or by sleeping or entertaining myself with a book or anime) or I might make stupid arguments, and get defensive when it's really my fault and I don't need to make excuses, I need to take action.

Something else interesting: I realized the other day. When someone is hiding from a decision (to take action) with bad habits and/or addictions, it doesn't mean that they're not strong enough or they don't "want" to meet their goals "badly enough". It's just that avoiding a decision is a completely different thing than saying YES or NO. It is in-between, and that in itself is what makes it so easy. You're not giving up-- you're pressing pause on the problem. So you can effectively forget about the problem without feeling guilty because you're still "planning" on taking care of it later.

I'm not weak for avoiding the problem, I'm not even thinking about the problem-- I'm not even trying. Sure, I might be weak initially because I was afraid, but that's a smaller weakness than a weakness that would mean I'm not strong enough to make a future for myself. If I give it my best, and truly try, and THEN I don't make it, THAT'S when I'm not strong enough.

Maybe I'm a little afraid to go there... to really try. But "trying" is a scary word because it encompasses the starting, the journey, and the end result-- I'm looking at the picture in too much of a general, large way. I need to look at just the steps.

So, back to number one and two.
1. I am afraid, so I get anxious.
2. That's because I avoid making decisions.
3. THAT leads to it turning into a circle -- 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2....

I need to find a way to deal with fear when it hits me. I'm not always going to be prepared for things, and so fear is normal. I need to NOT hide, and instead FACE the problem.

When I do get anxious due to my fear, and I stop thinking straight, I have to figure out how to stop myself so that I can think again, and then deal with the fear.

Void, Darkness.

School is scary. My assignments stop me in my tracks. I feel like I'm in darkness, or worse, a void of nothing-- and I simply don't want to try to find my way out. I'm hiding in the corner, pressed up against a wall, curling myself around my legs, pretending I don't exist.

But the logical truth is that all I have to do is stand up, and I'll feel the trapdoor right above my head, shutting out the light-- but if I stood up, I would bump my head and the light, blinding, bright, and sudden, would tell me where I was.

So here I am, struggling, and I thought that eventually I wouldn't have confusing thoughts in my life and I wouldn't have the need to complain and worry about every little thing. But I guess that's just how I am! I like to worry about the details. In some ways, that helps me in life.

But I have to accept that taking classes is GOING to feel like this to me-- why would it have changed? I just WANT to avoid things that I "make" myself do. I haven't reached the point where I stop feeling like someone's making me do it-- all I'm doing at school is EXPLORING (i.e. learning) and it is NOT something to be scared of (and therefore avoid).

How can I remind myself to keep from avoiding and being scared for no reason? I'm trying so hard, but I'm pushing in the wrong direction.

Anxious at Work!

I saw my counselor on Tuesday. (Stupid spell check! Why on earth do weekdays need to be capitalized???) Talking about my issues (haha) made me realize something I've remembered before: I have "anxiety".

But today at work, (I'm a nursing assistant) it really affected me. As I got more and more behind with my tasks, I got more and more anxious, to the point where I couldn't think straight, or really, at all. I can't use the excuse that I'm new anymore, as good as it is. It's not exactly an excuse I can use now. I really do have anxiety. Not ADD! Anxiety!

So even though I'm not planning on taking pills for this (I might try them, I just don't like the idea) I really do need to find normal ways to counter anxiety like that. It's silly, and it seems easy to get away from when I talk about it, but it is very hard, in fact.

It's like everything is pressing in at once-- I lose my thoughts as soon as I think them, I do things too quickly, dropping pens and gloves, tripping over furniture and laundry, rushing the patients, and being unable to decide on which task to start first. When I do start a task, I can't stick with it because I suddenly come up with the weird idea that I should start another task first, just because. So I'll try to do both at once and take even longer to finish.

Haha... um... this sounds-- metaphorically-- like the way I deal with my life.

Okay. This is something I have to look into.

PROBLEM - I get anxious, slow, and erroneous

RESULT - I'm disorganized, late, a klutz, irresponsible

WAY TO DEAL
1. face my anxiety - say "I'm anxious" or "I'm freaking out" or "I'm worried" etc
2. think of all the tasks in your head, then pick the one you need to do first, then focus ONLY on that (if possible) till you finish.

Okie-dokie. Face it, think of everything, pick the important-est one, and focus on one thing at a time.