Crying and sadness. Being myself. Solutions in a few paragraphs.

The thing about me moving out feels horrible, but it's not really about me being unwanted or other various interpretations that make me feel awful-- it's about this atmosphere being hard for me to be MYTRUESELF in. And that is completely right. I constantly worry about everything I'm doing because I haven't created good boundaries and set up a personal ... self. I worry about how I SHOULD be before I recognize what I am. Okay? Okay. So. Either I get over that, or I move out. I don't know what's possible regarding those two directions. But I do know that moving all my stuff to an apartment that is icky and that I don't even want to go to might be beyond upsetting; if this upset isn't worth the independence I'll gain by living in my own independent space, then I hate the idea! But I have to consider both staying here or going there; something has to happen between Monday and when I get a job in the city. And I have to stop compromising when my way is perfect. So what's my way? Living in the city-- but where do I go on Monday? That's something I can decide with my parent's help, but no matter what I need to stop letting everything hurt and mold my feelings, WATCH FOR WHO I AM instead of what seems like I SHOULD be, and balance my activities, keep from worrying and wishing about stuff/things to do/needs/necessities/requirements/time-limits/history that can't be changed or that I don't ultimately/truly want to change, and don't let my fear of the future and consequences of the past change my present actions.

Anime is GOOD for me. It makes me happy and encouraged (depending on the subject, of course:). It's time for me to accept that. On the other hand, it isn't good for me any more than some other activity that takes up too much time. Anime holds me focused more than most of my other likes and dislikes and activities, and too much of it isn't a good thing if I have to go do something else, or if I need to spend some time living my life. Anime is a restful activity-- it's like thinking. Thinking might be good, helpful, and productive, but it doesn't actually cause change like action does. Anime is the same in this way. So while I should *not* consider anime "evil"(say "negative") in terms of time, it must be balanced with actions if I am to stay balanced in my happiness. Essentially there are different kinds of happiness - relaxation, resolutions, absolute peace, delight, discovery, and probably more:) Anime IS all these things, except absolute peace and resolutions (it can sometimes provide absolute peace if it communicates a message from God, and it might hint at or bring up thoughts of resolutions, but it can't resolve things, as that would require a number of actions.)

I get depressed sometimes and cry. It's not one of the things holding me back, but I do want to try and understand the feeling: I figured out that when I am sad and I can't move from my crying position, when I just sit or lie down, and wait there for my sadness to go away, it's because I don't know what to do next. Even when I get up because I know I'm using time feeling sad and I want to use my time differently, I still don't know what to do next. So even if I change locations, until I stop feeling sad, I have to resume a still position somewhere, thinking in circles, my tears and sadness cycling through welling up and alternately drying. It doesn't stop cycling until I calm down from my circular thinking and sadness. Also, reminding myself "I'm going to cry later..." when I have something to go do, is good

This was a random diary entry but just as a peek into my life (and because I wanted to add the tag for this) I should tell you something.

I HATTTTTEEE AAAAAANNNNNNNTTSSS!

Not the family kind.

The disgusting smelly squishy melty squesldkfha;erighy ppooopy pink when you turn them over......in my food ....eating the marshmellow fluff crap and getting in the sink and the trash and DYING ALL OVER THE FLOOR BECUASE WE PUT OUT POISON and ARRGH

ANTS!

ANTS! GRRR!!!

I think though, they had to retreat momentarily from attacking in my room, because it was so depressing. The aura was, I mean, because I was emitting waves of depression from all the crying *giggle*

IF I believed in curses........









one more thing? vocaloid 鼻そうめんP ・ Hiroyuki ODA・HanasoumenP・HSP・かんざきひろ....

he or she... wow. amazing producer. up there with Avtechno, I think. I don't really know who these people are, though, so I'm a bit of amature talking about them but WOW.

To-DO List. Project Zero: From the ground up.

Me and myself don't have much direction right now. If I was listening to what God wanted me to do, I might understand better, but it's possible that God WANTS me to start listening to myself, and trying to listen to him selflessly isn't exactly what he wants me to do. So here's a list I'm making for all the things I would like to do. It kind of has to go in order for it to work. Let's see if I can do it! No... I will do it!

--> Important thing I just realized. My feelings are verrrrrrry delicate. Or maybe I am just really mentally abusive to myself. ;) no, seriously, that might be it.... I've noticed all this after college. If I was a little more gentle with my heart, I might not have had such a hard time, but either way it was meant to be so that I could learn from such a mistake. So NOW is the time in which I can be gentle, and get another start. :) This really does make me so happy.I have hope, and that's all you need in the beginning.

--> Other important thing. I all this I've written (below too) is really really essential to fixing my life. I mean, it's fabulous info I've thought of. I could really fix myself here. So I need to read through this every day, with the "excuse" that I need to clarify what I've written ('cause some of it really doesn't make sense). I will call this DRAFT 1, so that it stays the same and I won't lose anything important. The first and last drafts I'll post on my blog.

(new sunscreen? prescription, new housecleaning gloves, facemask.)

1. read the Bible and pray daily, (instead of never like I usually do) so that I can understand if I'm doing what God wants me to do or being selfish and avoiding his guidance.

I'm afraid I might be doing that because I haven't been listening at all, and I'm afraid that going in a certain career direction (voice acting) versus another more... ?humble? direction isn't what he wants. But I know I'd be good at it, so I need him to help me understand whether or not that choice is perfect, or taking me in the wrong direction.

2. Work on calming anxiety strategies. This is going to be a forever thing, but I want to especially work on it now, along with reading the bible and praying.

3. Clean house for mom and dad, assigning myself doable tasks and treating them like a job--one that I will begin to orient around time, like it's a real job, so I can get used to the idea of working for real. Instead of paying them rent (which I disrespectfully think is a huge waste of money, and is also violating their rules for me, and that is be really bad... so I need to work hard). I HAVE TO START SMALL, only what I can and will do.

4. Clean up my room, super DUPER. This I can combine with no. two because I'm going to scrapbook and that includes a lot of items located all around the house, masquerading as clutter.(Tithe and receipts, clutter, cleaning.)

5. Learn all my kanji in the Heisig book. If I got over that hump in Japanese learning, I would feel a lot more confident and excited to learn more. I need to try and finish a lot before a new job so that I continue with Japanese quite steadily.

6. Start going through my theory book and make a goal for each day, and if I'm brave enough, a bigger goal. This is hard for me, so be careful and go slow.

7. Since I'm also doing piano, Japanese, house cleaning, losing weight, and this theory too, it IS impossible (yes, it is) to do it in one day, so I have to skip things and do just three things instead of six, or whatever. So I don't have to do theory until I have all the kanji learned, for example. I'm not being specific because I've been doing well at this so far, it's just important that I don't worry and end up watching excess TV just because I didn't know where to start. Actually this is very important. I should now continue to put a list on my phone of which things I can plan on accomplishing in one day, week by week prob. is best.

8. Finish facial peels

9. When I'm ready, (ready probably means all the above accomplished and a weight loss level of 170-180, but it really can be up to me....facial peels would likely give me more time) get a part-time job. Small, and one that I like.I must feel like I'm doing something useful for myself (i.e. I need to feel progress) or a goal for my money saving, like classes or learning, not just fun stuff.

10. Get a haircut. To feel freer, and decisive.(important for acting class)

10. After I'm at or lower than 169: Buy some clothes for school. To feel like I dressed on purpose wherever I go, so I don't have to think about what I look like.

11. Get a club membership for losing weight and lose weight while working at a part time job and studying at home.(scheduling! Big step. A membership may occur earlier but juggling it with a job makes it a more important step, so I put it later just in case.)

12. Piano lessons with a pro teacher. This is my "attempt to succeed in school without freaking my heart out" tryout. I don't have to do this before an acting class. It might be inconvenient, but I also really do need to take piano lessons, and I probably will need credits anyway.

13. After I'm at or lower than 169: Adventures in Voice acting DVD, then TAKE AN ACTING CLASS.  This is not just because I want to be a voice actor. (I'm not sure yet, just like B4 with Japan.) BUT, I KNOW it will help my confidence problems, so that can be my reason until I'm sure about being a voice actor.

14. Start going to school.

15. Take Japanese class. Since it's very important I succeed, I think I should do this AFTER I succeed in school regarding music. I know I can do music, no matter what has and could happen, but Japanese is delicate. I can't scare myself away by doing badly there. It's possible I'm being too cautious, though, and I should be going now because Japanese is close by at community college, and not other places. Hmmm.

16. Move away from home. This might come earlier, if I don't do Japanese classes and want to start Music instead.

17. Finish school. Have a B.A. degree in music. This is all tentative because I don't know what to do with a B.A. in music. Well, get a job in that, save money for going to Japan, and just save money in general.

18. Find a place to practice piano when not in school or save to buy a cheap piano.

19.Save money.

20.Have my own car somehow. Save for that, it could happen.... Maybe I don't need it. (When I move away, Daddy or Mom will drive me and my bike-- after moving my stuff-- to my new apartment, and I will have them pick me up if I need to leave. :) Ahhhhh that is such a bad idea. It would work for school though.

21. GET a job as a teacher in Japan. This doesn't need and really ISN'T hard because I love Japan and teaching, I am detail oriented and like people, so if I'm not afraid, I can get a job like SNAP. God will help me. If it's harder than I thought, go as a missionary.

22. Keep on the lookout for a man to fall in love with. Tell him I need to take everything slowly. I think he needs to be seventh-day adventist, but if I don't go and figure that out soon, I'm not going to know what to tell him. :) This is also an issue with Sabbath and working a job. I do need to do devotional everyday. I have questions that many of my church friends probably know what they would do personally, and I don't know!

Happiness Might Be the Wrong Word?

I LOVE the idea of enjoying life-- in EVERYTHING I do, I can start enjoying myself. Look for only the good things. When I have a task to do, go at it with peaceful attention. Appreciate warmth, cool breezes, good smells, beautiful people, helping others, conversation and connection with others, colors, new information, funny and weird things.

It's hard to always take this attitude; we don't always get to do what we want... so when you're doing something because you have to, enjoy what you can enjoy. There's no point in feeling sad when you don't have to. Negativity can only cloud progress and being productive, so why embrace it and let it become you?

Of course, if there's absolutely nothing good about something that you have to do, (like a job that involves blisters or poop) then imagine all that while-- the beach, time with your favorite person or friends, a lush tropical island, a story you make up, flying in a blue sky-- or you can just meditate or pray. That time can be the part of your life when you leave the present... and escape.

When you ARE truly sad, don't avoid it. It's not like unpleasant things are bad, it's our reaction to them. It's good to be happy when you can be, but there's no reason to keep from feeling sad. Sadness is totally different from irritation in daily activities. When you're sad, give sadness a big hug, go ahead and start crying, and accepting that you don't feel good. Sadness isn't going to leave you if you beat it up with a baseball bat. It also won't leave if you pretend it doesn't exist. You have to look it in the eyes FIRST.

But I'm not talking about the unpleasant things, really. I'm trying to say that all unpleasant things can be overlooked, and on to the future, where better things must await. Overlooked doesn't mean ignored; it's not that the bad things in the world don't exist and that if we imagine them away they aren't happening. I'm just saying that you'll get farther in life if you take a different attitude and BE happier when it's possible-- and it's just about always possible.

Center....

I want to have self-control over my actions, so that when I feel like doing something, I can realize in my head (not my heart) whether or not it's a smart idea, and be patient about waiting. "All in time" would be a good thing to think.

I want to have less material possessions, not necessarily too "simple", but because I don't want to keep so many things that I don't use and clutter up my life. I want to know where everything is and not have a complicated mess.

I want to learn how to say no when something isn't best for me, and not care that other people are irritated by it. Perhaps I mean... I should center my thoughts more around myself? And perhaps also... acknowledge when certain problems aren't mine and I don't have to care about others?

I want to be in control of my life. This isn't about something unattainable; I'm not being unreasonable. I wish for these these things only regarding myself. I can change who I am. I'm not trying to change the things around me that aren't under my control, I'm trying become someone who guides her own life, instead of letting just any current take her in circles (therefore getting nowhere).

It works out well that I have a journal like this (and this part annoys me, but it doesn't matter) because no one has to care about this, since it's all about me. I'm complaining about my internal issues. So it feels so good to be able to write it down, even if I'm really the only one who has to listen to it.

Taking Action

Decide what time I'm going to wake up the next day before I go to sleep (or pick a time to go to sleep)

   --> make a sort of "deadline" for going to bed, and do my best to adhere to it (deadline is such a great word! think of it more literally.)

Do work stuff mostly always before play stuff. Remember that an end really is in sight.

I get inspirational emails to help me learn Japanese from TextFugu.com . I love them. Here's what I want to think about after reading it: what's my "bigger purpose" or goal -- what can I imagine myself doing in three years if it could be anything I wanted-- what do I want to do? Imagine THAT, and then think: what are three small things you could do right now to get you closer to that place in your mind's eyes?

I need to be more literal with myself, and connect my smaller actions, the right-now actions, to my future. Because that's exactly what they are-- little bitty things added together make a future.

I have to start studying a lot. Mainly piano and theory. I think studying might be more useful than talent, so I can't sit around worrying that I have enough talent or not. If I just studied a ton, I'd do better than about ninety percent of those talented people who haven't been studying. As of right now, my laziness will not be getting me anywhere, so I have to change that.

New literal goals: [write these down in notebook and try to do it everyday.]

1. piano,theory/6days. bible7/days.
2. exercise/walk dog/chores seven days.
3. think about my main goals (read them) and think of what I am doing that day to get there, pick immediate things, and try not to forget them.
4. pick a time to wake up (and then also to go to bed that night before) and work to get it right.
5. use my imagination for each thing I do. in everything, remember who I can be if I choose. I wish I could go back in time, but I can't, so all I have is what I can do now. I have to be brave. 勇敢!  "Yuukan"

Hope?

Who do I think I am? What do I feel like might be in my future-- what can I be? Who? Listen to my soul, to God, to my heart.

I've been thinking wrong for a while. I can't become a newer, better, changing person if I hold myself back with sad thoughts. I have to think of the good things coming, and the good things I can be someday-- and BELIEVE THAT I CAN BE THAT WAY. If I believe it, I can.

;) That's called hope!!

New Excitement!

I'm really excited. I think I believe I can do this now. :) (Did that sound sure at all? :)

I've been so worried about making enough money in my career, that I haven't considered picking what I WANT to do. I need to stop thinking that way! I won't be rich, and that's OKAY. I'll learn how to find clothes that are nice without spending tons of money, and I don't need to live in an city with high living-costs or have a fancy apartment. I'll go to colleges that are less costly and I'll work my butt off for scholarships, grants, and good grades. I'll get low-interest loans only. I won't buy things I don't need, I'll do my own pedicures and spa treatments, and I'll exercise outsides instead of paying for a club membership. I'll save money carefully for a used car that runs well, but I'll use a bike to go places close-by. I won't color my hair and I'll be stingy with cosmetics and shampoo. I'll buy cheaper fruits, eat oatmeal for breakfast, make my own wheat bread, munch on rice, and drink filtered water instead of buying soda, juice, or coffee.

I'm going to play the piano to my heart's content, explore new languages, revel in knowledge I get from school, take pride in my work ethic, read the Bible for devotions, and learn to sing and dance with confidence and peace in my heart.