Okay, I know I was finished and all that, but I need to mention one more thing. This is what I'd like to talk to my counselor about tomorrow; this entry covers the topics I have decided need attention in my life right now.
I've decided that the activites I enjoy that include television, movies, writing in my diaries, organizing files on my computer, blogging, and other things like that which take time but aren't COMPLETELY necessary, ARE important to my life. So, I do need to keep them a part of my life. However, I'm not doing well at balancing them with the other necessary parts of my life. I need to make sure to balance them! The part about balancing would get more specific, but generally, the idea is that I need to assign specific hours during the day to activities in order to become more balanced--either written down, in my head, or automatically--the solution is still undecided depending on which is the best thing--but regardless, it is important that I start doing this. I knew this already, but I didn't really clarify it to this point, so now is the point where I've actually realized it.
Since I have to go now, because I am imbalanced with activities right now :), I don't need to create any details for this idea yet. However, I will hint at some to get me started when it is time to look into this....
In the mornings, I can spend time blogging AND/OR working out. I don't have a lot of time in my life to blog, so I'll just have to learn how to be more concise. This is obviously essential, since I ALSO want my morning periods to productively lose weight with regular workouts, and I ALSO want to use that time for devotionals with prayer and the Bible, although I could combine that with blogging, since devotionals will likely be almost as idea-inspiring. So, for the summer, I could stop blogging when I feel it's necessary just because I have some sort of idea that I'm about to lose--and continue on with my studies, because otherwise, I will never get them done-- just because I've had an epiphany! I'll keep a notebook to CONCISELY jot down ideas, but continue on with my homework, and use mornings to write concisely, workout, and do devotionals. This is necessary, otherwise I will never learn to balance my life. After overcoming addiction through admitting my actions are the results of the bad things that happen in my life that I could have had control over, I now need to accept that I like the things that might be considered to "waste time" are actually not a waste, but are useful, as long as I don't take time to enjoy those things more than I do other things, like studying, maintaining relationships, working, exercising, and sleeping. BALANCING is my MAIN issue, I think!
And there you have it. That's what I want to explain to my counselor tomorrow; plus, I want to talk about the issue of my choosing when to listen to others' opinions and when to ignore them and pursue the actions I know I need to take.
Monday, May 31, 2010
New stuff today!
I wish I was an actress! I'm learning so much from the videos I'm watching. They're in Japanese-- and I've decided I'm going to learn Japanese over the years I'm in college, along with German (beginning this summer) and Spanish--beginning next summer--but besides that point, I realize that watching all these shows leads me to better understand the world in a way I haven't before! Japanese animes have a different importance in their essential themes and ideas than American television. It's fascinating, and not only that, but I like the style better. Yes, I like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and things like that, but the animated shows from TV Tokyo and such express a different sort of value in life that I don't feel like I've experienced as fully with TV solely produced in the United States. The animes I prefer to watch include people who fight battles of determination and focus to save those they care about--their friends. Often, these animes are about working harder to become a better person so that he or she has the power to make a difference in the world, such as to save others from emotional pain or physical death. Sometimes the animes are instead about becoming a better person in education of music, sports, or the acting arts. These animes aren't better than American TV, because there are things in American TV and movies that I like that animes don't have. But right now, the things I'm watching are helping me learn in a way that really connects to the issues I'm worrying and dealing with in my life right now.
Interestingly enough (and as a side side note) after watching "Glass Mask", about a girl who is destined (as far as I can guess by watching the third episode) to become an actress--I think I talked a bit about this already-- was inspiring to me. Acting is amazing because it leads a person to portray true emotions. Even though these emotions are, as it is heavily emphasized on "Glass Mask", just a portrayal of someone else's, they are still so freeing... whether acting is freeing because there is freedom in expressing something you yourself (as the actress) actually feels, or simply because there is freedom in expressing the character's emotions with total absorption and wholesome embracement with such depth and truth. It sounds amazing. But anyway. The point is, this truth somehow inspired me to understand this diary, Diary of Cara, as a sort of written piece directed towards someone--toward readers. I don't even know who, but the person who reads this doesn't have to be real--if anyone does read it, or even if they don't, I am still writing to someone--even if they are just an ideal, that person is someone, real, even though they might not be. There's something, I think... about expressing your emotions fully, like I described above... that makes this diary have a greater purpose than surface appearance. It's the expressing of those emotions that makes it directed towards this unknown audience, like on a stage. Perhaps... I'm on a stage, and I am a character in a play-- aware or unaware of my audience, it doesn't matter-- but my emotions make me worthy of consideration, because of my humanity. This makes me feel better because then I can address my reader without feeling weird. :) ha ha. I just hope I remember this, because it seems to means a lot right now. I am tired of being a person who doesn't know what she feels, or worries about expressing herself audibly or visibly, because she thinks that what she does is fake because others see it and therefore she modifies her very being to accommodate them--to impress? to appear humble?--I don't know. Maybe the basis of all this circular thoughts--"I'm doing it to impress them, but I don't want them to think I'm doing it to impress them, so I'll hide that, too, under another layer...."--is simply me not wanting to share myself, not even one shred of me.... and acting fascinates me because I could deeply embrace feelings--if not my own, then someone else's.... Regardless, when I read this later, which I probably will, I hope I remember how important it will be for me to consider being in a play of some sort, at least to try--because this is something that would mean a lot to me, and change me, and help me understand... something.
And all this makes me want to be a person who gets up on stage and shows it all to people. I would love it. I don't know if I'm completely cut out for it, though. If I really took the time to pursue it, maybe it would be right for me. But maybe when you like so many things like I do--graphics, drama, music, medicine--you pick the one that you feel has more purpose or tie to your life. These things I enjoy, and the other things I haven't mentioned or don't realize I'd enjoy, are all admirable professions that (I've come to realize) have great place in the world like anything else. Even business, which I cannot understand the concept of, (taking people's money and giving them something for less so that you make a profit, and they in turn do the same to others, and we are, in effect, trading money around while hoping to get a little extra than somebody else--and what happens when we ALL get a little extra--where does that come from?) has some sort of place in the world... though I'm not entirely sure where yet.... :) But when do you know what job to pick? On television, often plot lines employ the excuse of someone having a skill to put them in a path or profession that makes them use that skill to make a difference. But simply having a skill that you do well at-- even, or especially if, you enjoy it--apparently does not mean that is what you should choose. So I suppose... what you need to pick for your life-point-doings... should be something that does, in fact, have a life-point that covers all the important bases, instead of just some of them, like family, love, feeling happy with yourself and your own success, and helping others. For instance, acting--for me--is a beautiful idea, in that I could spend the rest of my life pretending, living dramatically and ferociously and like bright red-- blood--making the absolute most of my time. I could help people by showing them truth of the inner souls of the characters I play on the stage, truth in stories and history, and truth in what emotions are and how they exist. But this doesn't cover all my bases (above-- family, love, feeling happy with yourself and your own success, and helping others) because it would mean a lot of traveling, and wild people who don't believe my religion like I do. I don't know if I'm strong enough to be a witness in that sort of situation :)... and I don't know if I would do well to not get pulled under by the current of worldly obsession that I love so much in what can be portrayed in acting. Am I not trusting myself?
What I've taken from all this musing (in the previous paragraph) is that my career choice is the best. Working as a doctor is a good, solid profession that helps me save others, and gives me the means to become educated in these other fascinating career-jobs (like acting, music, and art) that I want to learn about in the future, and could use to change the world a bit, too. Even more, I love the idea of learning new languages in order to communicate better with all the people all over the world. I would also like to make learning languages (some anyway, that would be most useful) as a goal.
But aggck! It's so confusing! At least I'm not lost in what decision to make, though. I feel like I'm doing the right thing. It just annoys me... that God finds it necessary to make me figure out all these things myself when he could just tell me. Yes, that is impatient of me, but if he told me to do it, I would trust him just as I would trust myself after having figured it out by writing long diary entries for months.... Oh. No, I wouldn't trust him, definitely not--I'd question it constantly, and argue, and do exactly what I'm doing right now. That's why he's not telling me.
Ah. Revelation!! (Slight.) Or... ahhhhgggg... maybe he IS telling me, and I AM arguing! I dunno. I don't feel like he actually has told me anything specific, and unless it's specific, it's not simple to actually make those specific decisions required of me. No, I think he's trying to make me figure it out on my own. Well, I guess that's a compliment, in that he thinks I will figure out the right things in my writing-searches. But he'd better make sure I'm figuring out the right things... and guide me when I don't. I feel like he is doing that. (*whew*) I mean, seriously, what else am I supposed to do? I feeeeel like I'm doing the right thing... ehhhhh.
The sun is shining yellowwhite, white, bright, into my room and onto the wall. I can't see the sun, except when it reflects off my wall and back at my face, but knowing that the air in the room is filled with it makes me feel warm in the happy section of my heart.... The chronicles of life and death is playing in my ears (from Good Charlotte) and I still don't know, is God okay with me listening to "worldly" music? I think there's conflict between what the Bible tries to say to us and how our religious leaders/speakers/teachers interpret and present it to us, the laymen -- specifically in the actions we should be taking while we're here on earth-- so when should I listen to them, and when should I make my own decisions? Maybe there's something useful in the principle of the priesthood of all believers, a new institution created in the Bible, (I don't know when) where we all are religious leaders, instead of the institution where there is just one guy, almost like he's a mini-Jesus-human-version, our priest-redeemer of sorts. I don't like that latter version much. Maybe the priesthood of all believers is important to us modern-people (2010) because we need to think about being our own religious leaders--of ourselves--in that we need to search the scriptures on our own, figuring out what's best for our selves, in order to correctly ascertain what is truth and what is right. Responsibility! But it really seems less inefficient, in terms of saving time:) joke! Joking.
Wow. I can just talk about anything, for any length of time, really... I've got to learn how to do things that are important, when they need to be done. I'm off to study now. Since I stayed up all night... this is my schedule, and the number on the left of the period is what time it'd normally be if I got up at 7:30 am, actually 8:00 am for purposes of simplicity, and the number on the right is what time it really is! (Genius, I know! No, not genius, that's stuck-up. :/ ) wooooaaaaah!! I have neeever thought of it that way! That is REALLY useful. I have to stay up 'till six a.m., not so bad!... whoaaaaa. it's a mirror image day-night. weeeeirrrrd.
8.2000 - meds; piano.
9.2100 -
10.2200 -
11.2300 -
12.2400 -
13.100 - fin piano1/2 /then/ 130 workout 1/2
14.200 - workout
15.300 - theory: one hour, resting, snacking!
16.400 - secondary meds. theory.
17.500 - theory
18.600 - get ready, get dressed, eat breakfast, possibly do some theory.
19.700 - piano!
20.800 -
21.900 - fin piano 9:50
22.1000 - COUNSELING appt.
23.1100 - piano
24.1200 - piano
1.1300 - EAR TR.
2.1400 - LESSON
3.1500 - go to room: do english, drink a lot of water. then go practice really intense piano.
4.1600 - performance class.
5.1700 - dinner! one hour break (please stick to one hour! set alarm and get up.)
6.1800 - do english reading for just CLASS.
7.1900 - do english reading for just CLASS.
8.2000 -consider going to bed here instead!? Ask Lisa if it's OK; if she can be quiet, I sleep here.
9.2100 - do english TEST O.R. go to bed. (PICK one and stick to it!!)
10.2200 - do english TEST O.R. or go to bed. (PICK one and stick to it!!)
11.2230 - go to bed here.
If I follow this, then that proves I am capable of becoming a medical student. That sounds dramatic:) but... the truth is, following a schedule--i.e., setting out a "goal" or schedule for yourself is WHAT MAKES YOU ABLE TO DO THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO DO--things like studying, practicing, going to work--that makes you successful. Therefore, if I can follow this, then I can do it tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that. (I'm not saying I won't make mistakes, because if I did say that, I'd get discouraged when it happened and I wouldn't have the courage to try again.) But I am saying that it is possible--if I can follow these small, little schedule things--then I can follow a schedule that can lead me to medical school. Of course, I don't know yet if I have the ability to make it to medical school, because I can never follow a schedule, so I don't know my actual ABILITY. This may be the part I'm making a mistake with in my career choice--do I actually have that capability? Here I go! [prints schedule].... [please note: my (future) response to this post is, as you may guess, quite critical. Can you hear the drumbeats?] Finished 8:56pm. Do you see what I mean about needing to do things when I'm supposed to instead of this? This is a problem, and requires a solution as well.... (uhhhhmm.)
Interestingly enough (and as a side side note) after watching "Glass Mask", about a girl who is destined (as far as I can guess by watching the third episode) to become an actress--I think I talked a bit about this already-- was inspiring to me. Acting is amazing because it leads a person to portray true emotions. Even though these emotions are, as it is heavily emphasized on "Glass Mask", just a portrayal of someone else's, they are still so freeing... whether acting is freeing because there is freedom in expressing something you yourself (as the actress) actually feels, or simply because there is freedom in expressing the character's emotions with total absorption and wholesome embracement with such depth and truth. It sounds amazing. But anyway. The point is, this truth somehow inspired me to understand this diary, Diary of Cara, as a sort of written piece directed towards someone--toward readers. I don't even know who, but the person who reads this doesn't have to be real--if anyone does read it, or even if they don't, I am still writing to someone--even if they are just an ideal, that person is someone, real, even though they might not be. There's something, I think... about expressing your emotions fully, like I described above... that makes this diary have a greater purpose than surface appearance. It's the expressing of those emotions that makes it directed towards this unknown audience, like on a stage. Perhaps... I'm on a stage, and I am a character in a play-- aware or unaware of my audience, it doesn't matter-- but my emotions make me worthy of consideration, because of my humanity. This makes me feel better because then I can address my reader without feeling weird. :) ha ha. I just hope I remember this, because it seems to means a lot right now. I am tired of being a person who doesn't know what she feels, or worries about expressing herself audibly or visibly, because she thinks that what she does is fake because others see it and therefore she modifies her very being to accommodate them--to impress? to appear humble?--I don't know. Maybe the basis of all this circular thoughts--"I'm doing it to impress them, but I don't want them to think I'm doing it to impress them, so I'll hide that, too, under another layer...."--is simply me not wanting to share myself, not even one shred of me.... and acting fascinates me because I could deeply embrace feelings--if not my own, then someone else's.... Regardless, when I read this later, which I probably will, I hope I remember how important it will be for me to consider being in a play of some sort, at least to try--because this is something that would mean a lot to me, and change me, and help me understand... something.
And all this makes me want to be a person who gets up on stage and shows it all to people. I would love it. I don't know if I'm completely cut out for it, though. If I really took the time to pursue it, maybe it would be right for me. But maybe when you like so many things like I do--graphics, drama, music, medicine--you pick the one that you feel has more purpose or tie to your life. These things I enjoy, and the other things I haven't mentioned or don't realize I'd enjoy, are all admirable professions that (I've come to realize) have great place in the world like anything else. Even business, which I cannot understand the concept of, (taking people's money and giving them something for less so that you make a profit, and they in turn do the same to others, and we are, in effect, trading money around while hoping to get a little extra than somebody else--and what happens when we ALL get a little extra--where does that come from?) has some sort of place in the world... though I'm not entirely sure where yet.... :) But when do you know what job to pick? On television, often plot lines employ the excuse of someone having a skill to put them in a path or profession that makes them use that skill to make a difference. But simply having a skill that you do well at-- even, or especially if, you enjoy it--apparently does not mean that is what you should choose. So I suppose... what you need to pick for your life-point-doings... should be something that does, in fact, have a life-point that covers all the important bases, instead of just some of them, like family, love, feeling happy with yourself and your own success, and helping others. For instance, acting--for me--is a beautiful idea, in that I could spend the rest of my life pretending, living dramatically and ferociously and like bright red-- blood--making the absolute most of my time. I could help people by showing them truth of the inner souls of the characters I play on the stage, truth in stories and history, and truth in what emotions are and how they exist. But this doesn't cover all my bases (above-- family, love, feeling happy with yourself and your own success, and helping others) because it would mean a lot of traveling, and wild people who don't believe my religion like I do. I don't know if I'm strong enough to be a witness in that sort of situation :)... and I don't know if I would do well to not get pulled under by the current of worldly obsession that I love so much in what can be portrayed in acting. Am I not trusting myself?
What I've taken from all this musing (in the previous paragraph) is that my career choice is the best. Working as a doctor is a good, solid profession that helps me save others, and gives me the means to become educated in these other fascinating career-jobs (like acting, music, and art) that I want to learn about in the future, and could use to change the world a bit, too. Even more, I love the idea of learning new languages in order to communicate better with all the people all over the world. I would also like to make learning languages (some anyway, that would be most useful) as a goal.
But aggck! It's so confusing! At least I'm not lost in what decision to make, though. I feel like I'm doing the right thing. It just annoys me... that God finds it necessary to make me figure out all these things myself when he could just tell me. Yes, that is impatient of me, but if he told me to do it, I would trust him just as I would trust myself after having figured it out by writing long diary entries for months.... Oh. No, I wouldn't trust him, definitely not--I'd question it constantly, and argue, and do exactly what I'm doing right now. That's why he's not telling me.
Ah. Revelation!! (Slight.) Or... ahhhhgggg... maybe he IS telling me, and I AM arguing! I dunno. I don't feel like he actually has told me anything specific, and unless it's specific, it's not simple to actually make those specific decisions required of me. No, I think he's trying to make me figure it out on my own. Well, I guess that's a compliment, in that he thinks I will figure out the right things in my writing-searches. But he'd better make sure I'm figuring out the right things... and guide me when I don't. I feel like he is doing that. (*whew*) I mean, seriously, what else am I supposed to do? I feeeeel like I'm doing the right thing... ehhhhh.
The sun is shining yellowwhite, white, bright, into my room and onto the wall. I can't see the sun, except when it reflects off my wall and back at my face, but knowing that the air in the room is filled with it makes me feel warm in the happy section of my heart.... The chronicles of life and death is playing in my ears (from Good Charlotte) and I still don't know, is God okay with me listening to "worldly" music? I think there's conflict between what the Bible tries to say to us and how our religious leaders/speakers/teachers interpret and present it to us, the laymen -- specifically in the actions we should be taking while we're here on earth-- so when should I listen to them, and when should I make my own decisions? Maybe there's something useful in the principle of the priesthood of all believers, a new institution created in the Bible, (I don't know when) where we all are religious leaders, instead of the institution where there is just one guy, almost like he's a mini-Jesus-human-version, our priest-redeemer of sorts. I don't like that latter version much. Maybe the priesthood of all believers is important to us modern-people (2010) because we need to think about being our own religious leaders--of ourselves--in that we need to search the scriptures on our own, figuring out what's best for our selves, in order to correctly ascertain what is truth and what is right. Responsibility! But it really seems less inefficient, in terms of saving time:) joke! Joking.
Wow. I can just talk about anything, for any length of time, really... I've got to learn how to do things that are important, when they need to be done. I'm off to study now. Since I stayed up all night... this is my schedule, and the number on the left of the period is what time it'd normally be if I got up at 7:30 am, actually 8:00 am for purposes of simplicity, and the number on the right is what time it really is! (Genius, I know! No, not genius, that's stuck-up. :/ ) wooooaaaaah!! I have neeever thought of it that way! That is REALLY useful. I have to stay up 'till six a.m., not so bad!... whoaaaaa. it's a mirror image day-night. weeeeirrrrd.
8.2000 - meds; piano.
9.2100 -
10.2200 -
11.2300 -
12.2400 -
13.100 - fin piano1/2 /then/ 130 workout 1/2
14.200 - workout
15.300 - theory: one hour, resting, snacking!
16.400 - secondary meds. theory.
17.500 - theory
18.600 - get ready, get dressed, eat breakfast, possibly do some theory.
19.700 - piano!
20.800 -
21.900 - fin piano 9:50
22.1000 - COUNSELING appt.
23.1100 - piano
24.1200 - piano
1.1300 - EAR TR.
2.1400 - LESSON
3.1500 - go to room: do english, drink a lot of water. then go practice really intense piano.
4.1600 - performance class.
5.1700 - dinner! one hour break (please stick to one hour! set alarm and get up.)
6.1800 - do english reading for just CLASS.
7.1900 - do english reading for just CLASS.
8.2000 -consider going to bed here instead!? Ask Lisa if it's OK; if she can be quiet, I sleep here.
9.2100 - do english TEST O.R. go to bed. (PICK one and stick to it!!)
10.2200 - do english TEST O.R. or go to bed. (PICK one and stick to it!!)
11.2230 - go to bed here.
If I follow this, then that proves I am capable of becoming a medical student. That sounds dramatic:) but... the truth is, following a schedule--i.e., setting out a "goal" or schedule for yourself is WHAT MAKES YOU ABLE TO DO THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO DO--things like studying, practicing, going to work--that makes you successful. Therefore, if I can follow this, then I can do it tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that. (I'm not saying I won't make mistakes, because if I did say that, I'd get discouraged when it happened and I wouldn't have the courage to try again.) But I am saying that it is possible--if I can follow these small, little schedule things--then I can follow a schedule that can lead me to medical school. Of course, I don't know yet if I have the ability to make it to medical school, because I can never follow a schedule, so I don't know my actual ABILITY. This may be the part I'm making a mistake with in my career choice--do I actually have that capability? Here I go! [prints schedule].... [please note: my (future) response to this post is, as you may guess, quite critical. Can you hear the drumbeats?] Finished 8:56pm. Do you see what I mean about needing to do things when I'm supposed to instead of this? This is a problem, and requires a solution as well.... (uhhhhmm.)
Ano....
Um.... so I stayed up all night. And I simply adore the feeling of looking out at the morning light and feeling the clean rainy air. Not because it's morning, with all that promise and yuk, but more simply, at least the way I feel now, is that it means I have all day to get things done. I like night, but night bothers me because I know that at some indefinite time, I will have to discontinue my activities and give up my brain for eight plus hours. It's annoying! I mean, it's inconvenient. Or... bothersome. Yeah.
arrrgh! somebody's alarm is going off. I mean, it's not that loud... and probably somewhere on one of the floors below me. It's quite humorous, actually, how often alarms go off during vacation time. People always forget to un-set their wake-up clocks! Sillies. It's just, I don't know, telling me to wake up, ya? Nobody likes alarm clocks. They are bad omens, monsters, itchy, little squeaking... cursed technological inventions!! and disturbances of beautiful cloud-like, floating peace....
Anyway, the reason I am writing at this time is to mention that getting up in the morning is invigorating, but only if you've had enough sleep!!! If I caught up on sleep, then got 8-10 hours of sleep every night, that would be (1) healthy (2) jumping (3) schedule fixing (4) fabulous, etc. So going to bed early, really, should be essential!!! (That's why I want to room alone next year. It's a lot of extra money when you add up the entire eight months, but I could go to bed when I was tired, without having a roommate who stays up until midnight.)
arrrgh! somebody's alarm is going off. I mean, it's not that loud... and probably somewhere on one of the floors below me. It's quite humorous, actually, how often alarms go off during vacation time. People always forget to un-set their wake-up clocks! Sillies. It's just, I don't know, telling me to wake up, ya? Nobody likes alarm clocks. They are bad omens, monsters, itchy, little squeaking... cursed technological inventions!! and disturbances of beautiful cloud-like, floating peace....
Anyway, the reason I am writing at this time is to mention that getting up in the morning is invigorating, but only if you've had enough sleep!!! If I caught up on sleep, then got 8-10 hours of sleep every night, that would be (1) healthy (2) jumping (3) schedule fixing (4) fabulous, etc. So going to bed early, really, should be essential!!! (That's why I want to room alone next year. It's a lot of extra money when you add up the entire eight months, but I could go to bed when I was tired, without having a roommate who stays up until midnight.)
Sunday, May 30, 2010
New Layout again!! :) I like Neo Angelique now.
Here's another new layout. I like Neo Angelique-- she's a girl with a special power to "purify" the monsters that are destroying her home, a land called Arcadia. She has a destiny, because of this power, and she has the personality of someone who wants to help others, and save, and heal them. That is what I want to be like, so I remember her when it's time for me to study, or practice piano, or read....
Below, you can see a the picture of the layout.
Below, you can see a the picture of the layout.
A real schedule I will follow.
1. brush and floss your teeth.
2. follow your schedule and get lots of things done. catch up with stuff. seriously, that means getting it done. ALL OF IT. This will be OVER. This part, anyway, for now.
3. lose three pounds by friday. (june 4)
4. pray and read the Bible before bed.
5. use less than $29.99 every week. i.e. don't shop more this week.
6. keep room clean. or clean it.
HOW TO PRACTICALLY START THIS SCHEDULE: [right now, not tomorrow, not this summer, not next week, etc. Right NOW.]
(ACTIONS)
1. go brush teeth and wash face at 2230. Head to bed sooner than 2300. If it happens to be later, hurry up. Stay in bed if you can't sleep.
2. wake up at 7:30 am, and don't go back to sleep. (!!!) You MUST head upstairs with either (1) your devotional materials or (2) workout clothes and your ipod.
3. workout! take it easy the first time. The important thing is to stay up. You don't even have to work out for the first week, you can read instead. But you MUST NOT go back to sleep. You MUST read devotional materials.
4. when it comes time to study, don't stop to do something else first. Gather ONLY the NECESSARY materials and begin the study period. MAKE SURE to set a timer. Do NOT substitute time unless: blood, incapacitating pain, someone is hurting. Mealtimes are the only exception... #7--
7. Do NOT worry about people think if it's unnecessary!! i.e. worry about THEIR feelings and how I affect them, yet NOT what they THINK of me. Use your imagination: you are a princess!! You have a destiny, a responsibility, like Angelique! You are beautiful!
8. keep it up.
So, the next thing I'm going to do toward this plan (I have a hard time with converting my ideas into actions) is write in my planner a skeletal hourly schedule for next week, workout briefly, practice piano for as many hours as possible, then go to bed ontime.
New layout, by the way! It's sooo pretty! I just love close-ups of people's faces, it's like poetry describing someone, because that's where you see the true intensity of their eyes, and other features, that you might not have noticed from far away. The picture is under the label "layout".
Monday, May 24, 2010
more numbers
1- quit taking breaks after "doing something useful". Be reasonable! You are stronger than that, and it's your fault.
2 - don't fake it like that time doesn't exist. the Deadlines are coming. Stop, acknowledge the truth, and find true peace before you run away to hide and forget.
3 - seriously. deal and accept.
4 - you would finish if you would start. just think of it as "early".
5 - don't be afraid. that fear is an illusion, but you believe it because your mind's mirror is cracked and smeared.
6 - do one thing at a time. give yourself an urgent deadline. move pacedly, intently. Soon, you will run.
7 - keep going, don't stop because you're tired.
8 - take your homework down with fire and burn it to nothing. Do it NOW!
9 - You have to sleep. You can't wake up if you don't go to bed. So workout before 2pm and go to bed early. If it's late, go to bed. Just stop what you're doing and go. You have to sleep.
10 - workout before 2pm. sleep after 9-11pm (730 earliest wakeup). wake before 900am. If you have homework, go to bed at 11. Otherwise, go to bed EARLY.
11 - now, you wake up. you know you want this.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Analyzing Ishva (ummmm sorry if you end up reading this, Ishva....)
My roommate, Ishva, fascinates me. She's a freshman, and I'm a junior, so there's a maturity level difference that is very interesting to me. I know, this sounds like I'm a psychologist and I'm analyzing her. At least, the way she reacts to my attempts to communicate with her make me feel this way.
When I ask her how her day was, or why she doesn't like worships, or why she isn't feeling talkative--you know, just open to chit-chat-- she doesn't give me details. Kind of like a guy, or someone who's closed off socially and doesn't want to create a close relationship with someone. Immediately this is odd to me because there are other times when we really connect-- I mean, REALLY. And it just feels so good to talk and laugh with someone sometimes! So, it bothers me when she shuts herself off like that to me. So I try to think of why she changes moods so dramatically. People who don't want to share themselves--their personality or deep soul-feelings or what-have-you--either are afraid of getting too close and then getting hurt, or... I don't know what else. There are probably other reasons, I mean it is a complicated issue, but I don't know much about what they might be.
Anyway, I suppose I'm just pushing too much for responses from Ishva and she simply considers me annoying. Before I stop to think, "I should leave her alone," (being as that is all she wants) my first reaction is that I must have an uncomprehending, insensitive attitude toward others, which leads me to push farther, analyze out loud, second-guess that what she says to me as being a cover for more negative feelings (which honestly I think she's pretty out of touch with), and make jokes, and get a happier and happier attitude in hopes that it will somehow rub off. Ironically this is exactly the opposite of what Ishva would ever need from me, and only makes the situation worse. Sigh.
But every time I get to this point in analysis of Ishva, I remind myself that she is a freshman, and that is how freshman are suppose to be--immature, possibly even self absorbed... etc., etc. Ishva has time! I am expecting waaaaay too much out of someone who has a lot of growing up ahead of her. It's really no big deal at all. I try too hard to solve problems that will be solved with time.
The real problem is this: I need to accept that if a person wants to have a bad day, be unsocial, and therefore shut his or her friends out of their personal thoughts and feelings, there is no way to reach them until they allow you to. They have to make their own choice to let someone in... either that, or be in such a weak state that their walls have broken down.
When I ask her how her day was, or why she doesn't like worships, or why she isn't feeling talkative--you know, just open to chit-chat-- she doesn't give me details. Kind of like a guy, or someone who's closed off socially and doesn't want to create a close relationship with someone. Immediately this is odd to me because there are other times when we really connect-- I mean, REALLY. And it just feels so good to talk and laugh with someone sometimes! So, it bothers me when she shuts herself off like that to me. So I try to think of why she changes moods so dramatically. People who don't want to share themselves--their personality or deep soul-feelings or what-have-you--either are afraid of getting too close and then getting hurt, or... I don't know what else. There are probably other reasons, I mean it is a complicated issue, but I don't know much about what they might be.
Anyway, I suppose I'm just pushing too much for responses from Ishva and she simply considers me annoying. Before I stop to think, "I should leave her alone," (being as that is all she wants) my first reaction is that I must have an uncomprehending, insensitive attitude toward others, which leads me to push farther, analyze out loud, second-guess that what she says to me as being a cover for more negative feelings (which honestly I think she's pretty out of touch with), and make jokes, and get a happier and happier attitude in hopes that it will somehow rub off. Ironically this is exactly the opposite of what Ishva would ever need from me, and only makes the situation worse. Sigh.
But every time I get to this point in analysis of Ishva, I remind myself that she is a freshman, and that is how freshman are suppose to be--immature, possibly even self absorbed... etc., etc. Ishva has time! I am expecting waaaaay too much out of someone who has a lot of growing up ahead of her. It's really no big deal at all. I try too hard to solve problems that will be solved with time.
The real problem is this: I need to accept that if a person wants to have a bad day, be unsocial, and therefore shut his or her friends out of their personal thoughts and feelings, there is no way to reach them until they allow you to. They have to make their own choice to let someone in... either that, or be in such a weak state that their walls have broken down.
To keep from slipping backward into nothing
1 - keep going, don't stop because you're tired.
2 - don't pretend that time doesn't exist. Deadlines are coming. Stop (obtain true calm) before you run away to hide and forget. Acknowledge the truth.
3 - You have to sleep. You can't wake up if you don't go to bed. So workout before 2pm and go to bed early. If it's late, go to bed. Just stop what you're doing and go. You have to sleep.
4 - don't be afraid. that fear starts fires from sparks visible only through the broken mirror of your mind.
5 - prepare so you are ready to be where you need to. this WILL take time. So, push yourself with imaginary deadlines, but don't do these things right before the teacher wants them, do them days earlier than that.
(therefore:) PRIOIRITIES
workout before 2pm
sleep after 9-11pm (730 earliest wakeup)
wake before 900am
obtain true calm before hiding! or instead of.
Studies, do them early, do not use the excuse of being tired, remember that you would finish if you would start.
notes: 9pm-9am is broad but 11pm to 730 is quite good --and if I change it-- it will conflict with studies, social/people being up, and I need to over-plan my sleep time if I'm going to be working out, for healing.
This is a big deal. Point 2 could save me.
New layout again!
I guess I should be posting mini pictures or something of these layouts, because otherwise the reader won't be able to tell what I'm talking about if this post isn't new anymore. Here's what it looks like.
This character is Ulquiorra, Espada number four, from BLEACH. He's one of the bad guys... regardless of how undeniably cool he is. At least at the part I'm at in the episodes, he's an enemy. I think he might get killed by Ichigo later (that's sad). But I don't know for sure.
I spent a little time on this... that I should have spent on something else! AAARGH. I have to go write my paper on "The Yellow Wall-paper." It's not like I don't like writing papers. I just like doing other things better. I'm working on the enthusiasm though.
Okay. The rule I need to remember is:
Use your time to finish your work before you take a break. If you take a break in the middle of working, then instead you should quit very early and start/finish your work. If you don't do this, you will NOT get anything done. This should be quite clear.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
aaaaagh so tired.
Yah like I said, I'm tired. I got a new phone! That's really fun for me to think about... it's red. I stole it from someone, actually, well, she had to relinquish it too me because she hadn't really paid my mother for it, and it was on OUR family contract... so it's kind of sad how I am the victor and own the phone, and she lost.... Eventually, I'll feel like it's mine, I guess.
So, what are my thoughts, in an organized fashion? Written down, so that the writing of them might benefit me as to better understand my decisions and how to improve bad habits?...
Today I had an essay due at 11am, but I didn't go to class when it was due, 'cause I wasn't done. It turns out that late papers are completely non-acceptable in this particular English class. So.... I emailed the teacher about it, but next time:
.
1. Do papers waay ahead, because you don't know how much time you'll need, to put it simply. Especially is yr mom is coming to visit you, you don't want to have to do homework!!
This summer, I want to work, and take german classes online, and practice the piano. I think I might be trying to do too many things.... should I look for a job anyway? A job is a point of all this education anyway, right? So sure, it's good to do in theory.... but maybe a job is not the bestest idea. How about I try to get a job that is scrunched up into one part of the week, like I have SUN, MON, TUE, WED or something. DO NOT COMPROMISE AND TELL EMPLOYERS THAT I DON'T MIND WORKING FULL-TIME!!! I am ONLY looking for a part-time job and it needs to be VERY VERY close to home, preferably so that I can BIKE instead of drive.
So, what are my thoughts, in an organized fashion? Written down, so that the writing of them might benefit me as to better understand my decisions and how to improve bad habits?...
Today I had an essay due at 11am, but I didn't go to class when it was due, 'cause I wasn't done. It turns out that late papers are completely non-acceptable in this particular English class. So.... I emailed the teacher about it, but next time:
.
1. Do papers waay ahead, because you don't know how much time you'll need, to put it simply. Especially is yr mom is coming to visit you, you don't want to have to do homework!!
This summer, I want to work, and take german classes online, and practice the piano. I think I might be trying to do too many things.... should I look for a job anyway? A job is a point of all this education anyway, right? So sure, it's good to do in theory.... but maybe a job is not the bestest idea. How about I try to get a job that is scrunched up into one part of the week, like I have SUN, MON, TUE, WED or something. DO NOT COMPROMISE AND TELL EMPLOYERS THAT I DON'T MIND WORKING FULL-TIME!!! I am ONLY looking for a part-time job and it needs to be VERY VERY close to home, preferably so that I can BIKE instead of drive.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Cara: a blogger
Ha ha ha! I'm a blogger. I have a blog.
I just had to say that. I was thinking about how novel it is that I have a blog. (It's to be read in a doofus-voice.)
I just had to say that. I was thinking about how novel it is that I have a blog. (It's to be read in a doofus-voice.)
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Sudden thought while studying
I used to think that my studying habits, where I would want to type out all the class information as notes. I wanted to make sure to answer all questions, satisfying every detail. Basically, this meant I would need to create a detailed outline of any information I received. I got the impression from other people that this must be more time-consuming than was necessary, and I didn't always get it done anyway. I started to think to myself, why do I bother to type all this out? Why don't I just take the book in my hands and stare at the words to learn them--just learn through reading--and simply remember after a few times of review?
I think that it would be better if I went back to the typing of notes. The good thing about typing is that it can organize ALL the information you receive about a topic or chapter being covered in class. There's the notes you might take yourself while reading, the notes you'll be taking from class lectures, any helpful study guides you receive through the book or in class before a test, and material from extra outside study sources. Taking notes handwritten and in other places (like on the computer) and then studying from all those different places is too disorganized for me. It's fine to record something, but I feel a lot better when I put it all in one place. So here's what I'll do.
1. record reading notes before class.
2. take notes in class.
3. review these notes at the end of the day, read or scan the material again, clarify, add important details, and then type it all out on the computer.
4. By typing out notes to clarify and build up information in this sort of "typed notes database" every day you have this class, you are basically reviewing your notes through a task you've assigned yourself. Because it's a "task" and not just a "reading assignment", there is something to accomplish that will give you more focus than if you were simply reading through a chapter or section to glean information. This will help me to learn the information quite effectively, possibly more long-term.
5. Since reviewing has already been accomplished through the typing of the notes, it is not necessary to print out these typed notes for further study after you've looked it over a few times, unless you feel you don't the material or if you want to print out a final copy of the section/s for a comprehensive exam later on.
Ya. It sounds like a really good plan. This way, I have a sort of task to keep me going while I'm doing readings. Free-reading all the way through before I start the notes is probably necessary a lot of the time. But the fact that I will be doing these notes after every class period is much more effective for learning information than studying a lot all on one day. This way, I will become a much better student!
I think that it would be better if I went back to the typing of notes. The good thing about typing is that it can organize ALL the information you receive about a topic or chapter being covered in class. There's the notes you might take yourself while reading, the notes you'll be taking from class lectures, any helpful study guides you receive through the book or in class before a test, and material from extra outside study sources. Taking notes handwritten and in other places (like on the computer) and then studying from all those different places is too disorganized for me. It's fine to record something, but I feel a lot better when I put it all in one place. So here's what I'll do.
1. record reading notes before class.
2. take notes in class.
3. review these notes at the end of the day, read or scan the material again, clarify, add important details, and then type it all out on the computer.
4. By typing out notes to clarify and build up information in this sort of "typed notes database" every day you have this class, you are basically reviewing your notes through a task you've assigned yourself. Because it's a "task" and not just a "reading assignment", there is something to accomplish that will give you more focus than if you were simply reading through a chapter or section to glean information. This will help me to learn the information quite effectively, possibly more long-term.
5. Since reviewing has already been accomplished through the typing of the notes, it is not necessary to print out these typed notes for further study after you've looked it over a few times, unless you feel you don't the material or if you want to print out a final copy of the section/s for a comprehensive exam later on.
Ya. It sounds like a really good plan. This way, I have a sort of task to keep me going while I'm doing readings. Free-reading all the way through before I start the notes is probably necessary a lot of the time. But the fact that I will be doing these notes after every class period is much more effective for learning information than studying a lot all on one day. This way, I will become a much better student!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
AAAAAAAAAA!
So. My interview. It was really really good! It probably helped that I bought new pants for it. I felt pretty. The rep guy gave me good advice, told me about prerequisites, when to take the MCAT, what prep programs there are, and how community college is a really really stupid idea.... He didn't put it that way. It's just what I have decided. Community college might be worth it for the money, but I'm going to have to take out a zillion loans anyway, and if the education doesn't match up, none of those cheaper classes are worth it. The sciences, at least, I will take at Atlantis. Things to take to fill up my bachelor degree, that's a different story, I'm supposing.
I don't mean to say that going to community college is a bad thing. I feel kind of bad saying that, because I know a lot of people go in that direction because it saves them money and the education is often still quite excellent. It's just that if I, as a wannabe medical student, choose community college classes to make up my prerequisites, I will have a MUCH harder time of getting accepted. The rule is that once you go to a regular university or college, going to community college is considered a level down-- ALWAYS-- in a med-school applicant-reviewer's eyes. Yes, they ARE promoting education for sale and all that prestigious pay-tons-of-money-to-get-a-good-job thing, which is unfair.... But really, it DOES cost a lot of $money$ to run a good college. I think we (complainers regarding college cost) need to give them a break and just take out some loans already to get into good colleges! Of course, that's easy for me to say, since I'll have, somewhat, the means to pay those loans off, once I finish a medical education. :-/ But anyway....
He also said that the way I'm going about this is mature, especially that I'm planning on three more years in college--I'm a junior THIS years--so that means I'd have gone to Atlantis State for a total of six years, when I (theoretically) could have finished in four. But he says that he approves of my plan, and although while he obviously can't guarantee anything, he says it's going well so far. He took my picture so he would remember me.
My palms and fingers were sweaty when I shook his hand. But I know what classes to take next! I know I can do it, too! And I loved the part about how he said I was mature!! EEEEK! I'm going to do this.... I. am going. to do this.
I don't mean to say that going to community college is a bad thing. I feel kind of bad saying that, because I know a lot of people go in that direction because it saves them money and the education is often still quite excellent. It's just that if I, as a wannabe medical student, choose community college classes to make up my prerequisites, I will have a MUCH harder time of getting accepted. The rule is that once you go to a regular university or college, going to community college is considered a level down-- ALWAYS-- in a med-school applicant-reviewer's eyes. Yes, they ARE promoting education for sale and all that prestigious pay-tons-of-money-to-get-a-good-job thing, which is unfair.... But really, it DOES cost a lot of $money$ to run a good college. I think we (complainers regarding college cost) need to give them a break and just take out some loans already to get into good colleges! Of course, that's easy for me to say, since I'll have, somewhat, the means to pay those loans off, once I finish a medical education. :-/ But anyway....
He also said that the way I'm going about this is mature, especially that I'm planning on three more years in college--I'm a junior THIS years--so that means I'd have gone to Atlantis State for a total of six years, when I (theoretically) could have finished in four. But he says that he approves of my plan, and although while he obviously can't guarantee anything, he says it's going well so far. He took my picture so he would remember me.
My palms and fingers were sweaty when I shook his hand. But I know what classes to take next! I know I can do it, too! And I loved the part about how he said I was mature!! EEEEK! I'm going to do this.... I. am going. to do this.
Monday, May 10, 2010
My Explanation of Pre-determinism and Validity of Human Choice
Whoa. Do you ever get deja vu sometimes, where you see something that you are sure you saw before? For me, it's a scene in my life, or a picture, like what you might see in a movie where the camera pans over objects in one's line of sight. It happens to me sometimes where I see stuff that I've seen before... perfectly. It's like I dreamed it, even though of I'd never been in that exact situation before. Sometimes that makes me think that those prophecies you find in the Bible, where God gives people visions of the future (which I believe he gives us to instill HOPE) are along these same lines as these deja vu thingies. That maybe these seemingly useless pictures of the future are snippets of what WE might see as time, but is actually like a timeline already drawn out (Back to the future II). God is outside of this timeline. No, pre-determinism does NOT exist, and our decisions DO matter. God gave humans the power of making decisions so we could choose whether or not we want to love him. If we don't, then he won't force us. Because we are inside of time, pre-determinism is not a possibility. The fact that we can make decisions is proof that pre-determinism doesn't exist. We shouldn't kid ourselves by suggesting that our decisions were the only ones we could have made. We are inside time when we make those decisions, and they are real. What we can't understand--which is God's alpha-omega perspective of our "time"--is not something we can ever attempt to analyze. We can't expect to comprehend it, because we are ignorant of it. (Don't tell me you understand God's perspective. You can't.) Right, okay. Off topic~! There's an example in which my spontaneity is unhampered by Adderall.
First Explanation
Another of my labels is going to be called explanation, where I put things that explain other things, so that it won't be difficult to search out entries that help you understand the organization of this blog.
For this explanation, I wanted to say that some of the "Idea" labels are going to be re-copied from "daily entries" so that one doesn't have to read through a whole daily entry to find an "Idea". After all, where do you get ideas from, except during the day? So therefore I would naturally want to include the idea in a daily entry, and likely explain how it came to be, which isn't necessarily important to the actual idea. So I will publish those "Idea"s separately as repeated text. Yippee for organization and categorization!!
For this explanation, I wanted to say that some of the "Idea" labels are going to be re-copied from "daily entries" so that one doesn't have to read through a whole daily entry to find an "Idea". After all, where do you get ideas from, except during the day? So therefore I would naturally want to include the idea in a daily entry, and likely explain how it came to be, which isn't necessarily important to the actual idea. So I will publish those "Idea"s separately as repeated text. Yippee for organization and categorization!!
Peace today.
Good news. Test cancelled! YIPPEEE!!!! Unfortunately that means I will have to find time to study.
Whoa. Do you ever get deja vu sometimes, where you see something that you are sure you saw before? For me, it's scene in my life, or a picture, like what you might see in a movie where the camera pans over objects in one's line of sight. It happens to me sometimes where I see stuff that I am sure I've seen before... perfectly. Sometimes that makes me think that those prophecies you find in the Bible, where God gives people visions of the future, (which I believe he gives us to instill HOPE) are along these same lines as these deja vu thingies. That maybe these stupid seemingly useless pictures of the future are snippets or bits of what we might see as time but actually is already in place, like a timeline already drawn out. God is outside of this timeline. No, pre-determinism does NOT exist, and our decisions DO matter. God gave humans the power of making decisions so we could choose whether or not we want to love him. If we don't, then he won't force us. Time was created to keep pre-determinism from being an issue. The fact that we can make decisions is proof that pre-determinism doesn't exist. WE ARE INSIDE TIME, SO ARE DECISIONS ARE REAL! What we can't understand--which is God's alpha-omega perspective of our "time"-- is not something we can ever attempt to analyze. We can't expect to comprehend it, because we are ignorant of it. (Don't tell me you understand God's perspective. You can't.) Right, okay. Off topic~! There's an example in which my spontaneity is unhampered by Adderall.
ANYWAYS. I wanted to say that the difference when I don't take the meds is big. I didn't take them Sabbath or Sunday. Mistake! I mean, it was fine, and actually I was glad I did, because it gave me a chance to exercise my focus muscle.... But, it was funny how I kept getting distracted from my homework readings by unrelated thoughts. Also, I didn't get the things I needed most to get done (the priorities) because I didn't plan anything. I wasn't sure where to start because I didn't think of what was most important to start first and how long each thing would take and therefore how long I should spend on it, etc. etc.... Blegch.
Here we go. Next time I decide (or hopefully decide) not to take medication, I need to thoroughly plan my day and finish things time-wise--within certain hours-- so that I can do a little of everything that is a priority.
TOMORROW, I have an interview with a medical school representative!!! He is going to let me know how possible or impossible my medical school goal is. I am nervous, but only slightly (I'm mostly relieved), like that I won't explain myself well and he won't understand what I'm trying to say. That would be bad, because if I represent myself incorrectly, it will be difficult for the interviewer to actually determine the truth about this very important subject!!!
I think I had better remember to pray about it. For me, praying is a solid way to solve problems--it's like talking to a friend who has very logical reasoning and can give you straight answers. You know, guy logic! -- when they say, "Well, it's either left or right". Guy logic is super helpful to me. My own logic is very illogical and convoluted.
Something else. Today, as often before tests, I remember to feel peaceful about my schedule. I mean, I'm always feeling upset, and out of time, when it comes to getting the various tasks I need to get done. I don't always set aside time for getting homework done, and when I get to the deadline and I'm not done with the homework, I'm like, OH NO!!! HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED AGAIN.... sob sob sob (like yesterday:). So. Here's what I am going to do about it, since I have now SEEN THE ANSWER... mooha ha HA HA HAAA HAAA just-kidding-okay... like this: (these aren't goals, just numbered bullets)
1. go to classes, then...
2. do 1-2 study hours (2 if time) for each class period. (1 hour is only if I have something really important that day or afternoon, like this week I have a lot of chemistry to catch up on so it's going to be a small amount of time for each class.)
3. practice 3 hours of piano in the morning, and other free hours I happen to have while in the FAC.
Yup. It's going to be PERFECT! YAY! he he he... i'm giggling to myself. No. Not out loud. I'm at the library. I get that way I think when I'm not stressed, which probably sounds like I'm going nuts or breaking down. It's just a good feeling to be like, "everything's going to be okay." or "it's all going to work out". I think that would be a good mentality to have. All the time. But is it possible?... peace!
Whoa. Do you ever get deja vu sometimes, where you see something that you are sure you saw before? For me, it's scene in my life, or a picture, like what you might see in a movie where the camera pans over objects in one's line of sight. It happens to me sometimes where I see stuff that I am sure I've seen before... perfectly. Sometimes that makes me think that those prophecies you find in the Bible, where God gives people visions of the future, (which I believe he gives us to instill HOPE) are along these same lines as these deja vu thingies. That maybe these stupid seemingly useless pictures of the future are snippets or bits of what we might see as time but actually is already in place, like a timeline already drawn out. God is outside of this timeline. No, pre-determinism does NOT exist, and our decisions DO matter. God gave humans the power of making decisions so we could choose whether or not we want to love him. If we don't, then he won't force us. Time was created to keep pre-determinism from being an issue. The fact that we can make decisions is proof that pre-determinism doesn't exist. WE ARE INSIDE TIME, SO ARE DECISIONS ARE REAL! What we can't understand--which is God's alpha-omega perspective of our "time"-- is not something we can ever attempt to analyze. We can't expect to comprehend it, because we are ignorant of it. (Don't tell me you understand God's perspective. You can't.) Right, okay. Off topic~! There's an example in which my spontaneity is unhampered by Adderall.
ANYWAYS. I wanted to say that the difference when I don't take the meds is big. I didn't take them Sabbath or Sunday. Mistake! I mean, it was fine, and actually I was glad I did, because it gave me a chance to exercise my focus muscle.... But, it was funny how I kept getting distracted from my homework readings by unrelated thoughts. Also, I didn't get the things I needed most to get done (the priorities) because I didn't plan anything. I wasn't sure where to start because I didn't think of what was most important to start first and how long each thing would take and therefore how long I should spend on it, etc. etc.... Blegch.
Here we go. Next time I decide (or hopefully decide) not to take medication, I need to thoroughly plan my day and finish things time-wise--within certain hours-- so that I can do a little of everything that is a priority.
TOMORROW, I have an interview with a medical school representative!!! He is going to let me know how possible or impossible my medical school goal is. I am nervous, but only slightly (I'm mostly relieved), like that I won't explain myself well and he won't understand what I'm trying to say. That would be bad, because if I represent myself incorrectly, it will be difficult for the interviewer to actually determine the truth about this very important subject!!!
I think I had better remember to pray about it. For me, praying is a solid way to solve problems--it's like talking to a friend who has very logical reasoning and can give you straight answers. You know, guy logic! -- when they say, "Well, it's either left or right". Guy logic is super helpful to me. My own logic is very illogical and convoluted.
Something else. Today, as often before tests, I remember to feel peaceful about my schedule. I mean, I'm always feeling upset, and out of time, when it comes to getting the various tasks I need to get done. I don't always set aside time for getting homework done, and when I get to the deadline and I'm not done with the homework, I'm like, OH NO!!! HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED AGAIN.... sob sob sob (like yesterday:). So. Here's what I am going to do about it, since I have now SEEN THE ANSWER... mooha ha HA HA HAAA HAAA just-kidding-okay... like this: (these aren't goals, just numbered bullets)
1. go to classes, then...
2. do 1-2 study hours (2 if time) for each class period. (1 hour is only if I have something really important that day or afternoon, like this week I have a lot of chemistry to catch up on so it's going to be a small amount of time for each class.)
3. practice 3 hours of piano in the morning, and other free hours I happen to have while in the FAC.
Yup. It's going to be PERFECT! YAY! he he he... i'm giggling to myself. No. Not out loud. I'm at the library. I get that way I think when I'm not stressed, which probably sounds like I'm going nuts or breaking down. It's just a good feeling to be like, "everything's going to be okay." or "it's all going to work out". I think that would be a good mentality to have. All the time. But is it possible?... peace!
Sunday, May 9, 2010
ARRRRRGH!!!
Crunch time! Angry!! Not enough hours. Won't be able to sleep! I want my computers back!! I'm regressing! Or am I progressing? The lies I tell myself could be exactly what they seem, or they might be truths.
AAAAARRRRRGGG!!! I have a test tomorrow and I am scared for my piano lesson on tuesday!!! Ahugh hugh huh huh huh huuuueeeeeewwwww.... *tears dripping**sobbing**wailing**nose blowing**more crying*
AAAAARRRRRGGG!!! I have a test tomorrow and I am scared for my piano lesson on tuesday!!! Ahugh hugh huh huh huh huuuueeeeeewwwww.... *tears dripping**sobbing**wailing**nose blowing**more crying*
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Steps this and next week (for now)
1 - look at planner (and it's okay to write stuff down)
2 - do today's assignment 1st in all classes, and practice 1 hour of piano [daily]
3 - start
4 - Pick one task 1st, finish that 1st. 2nd... 3rd...
5. Go to bed early.
also - - - remember that there is NO TRUE DOUBT that I can not do this. (If I will isn't the issue.)
and . . . be willing to make necessary changes, even if I'd rather not.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Progress - > -
Written in my planner during a weekly school-church meeting after a counseling appointment in which I made the final list of goals I'll ever make from being this deep underwater:
"Once I get over this part, which I feel I will (!!) I want to (I hate the way they're playing this song!) remember to change the way I think of humanity. I've imagined myself as leader, as a great intellect, or artist. But with this view I allow myself to believe I'm rising above individual humans in worth. I know it's wrong, but even with my great sensitivity and shyness, this pride stays as strong as a heavy-duty tug-of-war rope. I detest this part of myself, and yet I want it.
"Today I thought carefully about why I shouldn't feel like this. The answer was so obvious-- one of my core beliefs-- once I recalled it: God loves the humans he created! It's not simply that God made our worth so great, but that the sent his son to DIE for us."
"Once I get over this part, which I feel I will (!!) I want to (I hate the way they're playing this song!) remember to change the way I think of humanity. I've imagined myself as leader, as a great intellect, or artist. But with this view I allow myself to believe I'm rising above individual humans in worth. I know it's wrong, but even with my great sensitivity and shyness, this pride stays as strong as a heavy-duty tug-of-war rope. I detest this part of myself, and yet I want it.
"Today I thought carefully about why I shouldn't feel like this. The answer was so obvious-- one of my core beliefs-- once I recalled it: God loves the humans he created! It's not simply that God made our worth so great, but that the sent his son to DIE for us."
Monday, May 3, 2010
Discouraged. :(
LIBRARY, DEPRESSED AND UBER HUNGRY
I am waaaay too sensitive. And I take forever when I have too many things to do! I'm mad about it.
That was a random statement. Basically, today I tried to get my college classes I'm going to take next year in order, but I still am unsure of what's coming next because it is a longer process than I expected. I need to find out if transfer credits will transfer to the universities I need them to.
It's confusing and I am not efficient! I think that I need to carefully finish each micro-task before I start another one. YES! That's the problem. Okay, I am going to put it in my goal list. I think I have six. Not my GOAL goal list, but a smaller one that entails immediate things I need to start doing, like going to bed on-time this week... etc.
I say I'm "sensitive" because I called the medical school I want to attend and they were very frank with me. Of course, frank is good... but it is scary for me to stand up and say, "I can do it" when I FEEL like I have no proof that I can do anything at all. They didn't say anything specific about my situation because they don't know me, but I connected it to the deeper feelings of fear I have that I don't have the ability. It was strong, and dark, and heavy, and I had a hard time pulling out. How am I going to keep going if I let that happen every time? My parents don't want to pay for school for me any more, which is very discouraging too, because I could be taking biology this summer, and if I can't, I don't know if my classes are going to work out. At all. So, yeah. I'm going to go and pout about it. Or do real homework, it doesn't sound so bad after all this.
x. Try your best to only do one thing at a time when it comes to studying or thinking. (Basic physical tasks is different.)
I am waaaay too sensitive. And I take forever when I have too many things to do! I'm mad about it.
That was a random statement. Basically, today I tried to get my college classes I'm going to take next year in order, but I still am unsure of what's coming next because it is a longer process than I expected. I need to find out if transfer credits will transfer to the universities I need them to.
It's confusing and I am not efficient! I think that I need to carefully finish each micro-task before I start another one. YES! That's the problem. Okay, I am going to put it in my goal list. I think I have six. Not my GOAL goal list, but a smaller one that entails immediate things I need to start doing, like going to bed on-time this week... etc.
I say I'm "sensitive" because I called the medical school I want to attend and they were very frank with me. Of course, frank is good... but it is scary for me to stand up and say, "I can do it" when I FEEL like I have no proof that I can do anything at all. They didn't say anything specific about my situation because they don't know me, but I connected it to the deeper feelings of fear I have that I don't have the ability. It was strong, and dark, and heavy, and I had a hard time pulling out. How am I going to keep going if I let that happen every time? My parents don't want to pay for school for me any more, which is very discouraging too, because I could be taking biology this summer, and if I can't, I don't know if my classes are going to work out. At all. So, yeah. I'm going to go and pout about it. Or do real homework, it doesn't sound so bad after all this.
x. Try your best to only do one thing at a time when it comes to studying or thinking. (Basic physical tasks is different.)
Purpose of Sabbath
Hey everybody!
I was filling out a survey about my religious beliefs. Since I'm a Seventh-Day Adventist (SDA), I'm interested in why people do or don't do the "Sabbath observance" thing. (Sabbath observance is basically where you take a break from work and business and do something more restful or peaceful. For SDA people, it's specifically on Saturday, the seventh day of the week.) So, I filled out the survey with my opinions and everything. (I love expressing my opinions, I'm really self-absorbed. Or something.)
For one of the questions, they asked what I think Sabbath's purpose is, so I wrote this:
Sabbath is about doing something different. The day should feel BETTER, somehow—as a rest from monotonous tasks, instead of fear, a peace about the future, a calm through grief, and a strength through separation—a day different from normal weekdays. Someone’s decisions regarding Sabbath activities are very personal, so we shouldn't condemn others for them. The Sabbath isn't a rule set to hurt us, it's a day created for only our pleasure. When we don't observe it the right way, the restrictions WILL seem stupid. Why would you want to do stop weekday activities completely for a Sabbath observance when you were
in a weekday mindset? If we treat the Sabbath like a normal weekday, avoiding weekday activities WILL seem stupid, because we’ll be thinking of tasks we need to finish and subsequently wanting to take breaks with normal forms of entertainment and fun. None of that is relaxing in the form of God’s deeper peace—and THAT’S what Sabbath is supposed to give you.
It took a while to write it, so I think I'm happy with it. I wanted to put it here 'cause I felt that it explained Sabbath somewhat. It's a big deal in our church because lately it seems to me like nobody cares about it as much anymore, at least with my generation. I mean, I understand how people who are uptight about rules and tradition and religion are annoying, meddlesome, and sometimes don't have solid backing except that it's tradition. However, I think it's ALSO wise not to completely go out of control and break all the rules just because you feel like it, you know?
Well. That is a really complicated issue... church traditions and people leaving the church and uptight old people vs. the new generation YAY! I don't want to talk about it.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Letter to my mom
Hi Mommy.
I am typing in the library, and I have a lot of homework so I'm starting as early as possible. It's funny--when I type while I'm taking Adderall, I don't really EVER make mistakes in my typing! I mean, I do, but there are a lot less, like I'm more careful of what I type. It's kind of cool. I don't feel any different, except that I know and am able to think about what I need to do next, in a more orderly fashion than I used to think.
It's exciting because I think I am going to get better grades now! Instead of putting my passion to do better in school toward attempts at getting my homework done, I see the path ahead of me more clearly, so I can actually complete tasks much more quickly. It helps me realize that the little things I would try to do at the same time as more important things are not so important, and I remember what I NEED to be thinking about.
Having this mindset helps me realize how to think more focused when I'm NOT on the medication, as well. (Unless it's actually working more than six hours.) But I understand better, more than just feel better. That means someday, maybe, I won't need to take Adderall anymore, and that's what I'd like best.
But who know, I'm guessing about all this. I haven't been taking Adderall very long anyway, so I'll need to talk with my counselor about it before I decide stuff. She knows more about it than I do. :)
How are you? I miss you a lot! I love the idea of you coming to visit me!!! I never realized how much fun it is for you-- it's like your own little private holiday, which I bet you like a lot! I know how you feel; often I enjoy the cruise back to the mainland by myself better than with someone else--you and me are introverts in that way at least. We don't mind alone time! It is GROUNDING... it makes you feel more together, yourself, more complete, more organized inside your head.
SOOOO... YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY COME VISIT ME!! I LOVE YOU!!!! heee heee.
I think I told you this already, but Ishva and I are doing a weight loss contest. Whoever loses the most is the winner! The loser (ironically and probably counter-productively) buys dinner. The contest ends at the end of the quarter, Saturday night the night before finals. I have lost one pound! Possibly two, but I can't count that one because I don't know if I was exactly 185 or 184.8 or something, so I'm using "184.0" for my starting weight... and now I weight 183 today. It will fluctuate, but it's still progress! I am trying to exercise every day, unless it's too late and I need to go to bed.
But taking this medicine really also helps me figure out my goals better. I know what I need to do, and then I have the ability to focus and do it! It's so much fun.
Hey, you should print this letter out and give it to Daddy. He might be happy to be updated on my school progress in better detail. Ha ha... and he's kind of wrong about the medicine not working. Of course, I think it's important to know that the medicine is there not for me to take for the rest of my life, but to help me learn how to think and focus in the SAME way I do when I AM taking it. It helps by giving me a mental image of what it is actually like to focus. So cool!
As you might be able to tell, my thoughts are more organized in their paragraphs. This is another sign of how it helps.
Okay, enough about that. I love you Mom! Kisses and hugs! I'm waiting for my recital in anticipation... and if you want to come visit me earlier as well, next weekend. You could get here on Friday, May seven, and stay until Sunday... You and I could both go visit Miss Tulie for Friday night tacos with Autumn and Marguerite, maybe! We would even get done in time for evening church. And you will meet Ishva, who is AWESOME. I will call you about it!
Love, Princess Cara (Daughter of King Matthew and Queen Rida, Sister of Prince George)
[Please note to my friends on blogger :) the above is supposed to be a joke. My mom knows I liked to pretend I was a princess when I was little... I still do. It's not weird, though! Pretending--or using your imagination--doesn't have to become a fantasy, but can be mentally visual poetry or art, expressing creativity and enjoyment of the the good parts of life, like the the blue sky, sparkling water, dark summer storms, or whatever you like best about living. I think that imagination can "take" you to sin-free places like Heaven.]
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