God being supportive

It seems a little scary to admit this but... I have to express how happy it makes me!

I've been in some pretty bad places in life. Not compared to some people, but emotionally, I have. I guess I don't have to compare myself to others to explain this. I shouldn't do that... anyway.

I've been homeless, I've hated myself (still do often), I have been alone in the world, with only my two feet to stand on. It was something like rock-bottom. Everything I have today-- my apartment, my husband, my job, is based on experiences I have gained since that rock-bottom place, it feels like. I suppose there were good things /before/ rock bottom that helped shape me, too. (Like childhood and sweet parents.)

But I just feel like God has gotten me here. Like everything I did was just minuscule or nothingness compared to what he can do  (and did) for me. I feel like David in the Psalms when he talks about being lifted up, and where his enemies are smote by the Lord's hand, and how God solves his problems for him. (I sometimes feel sorry for his enemies. But I think the point is that God solved his problems, and that those enemies could potentially symbolize issues, not necessarily people. But yes, sometimes people.)

It was like that for me. I feel completely supported by God. It feels so good to admit that everything I have is his. That he got me here, and not me. 

You know why? 'Cuz if *I* got me here, then I have a lot of work to do to get farther. And that's exhausting to even think about! This was hard enough, just riding on God's coat tails. It was difficult staying on the sled he was driving, hurtling us down the mountain, and without crashing into any trees, too. And now I'm supposed to walk myself all up that mountain so I can do it all by myself, again? No, sir! I would prefer to get a lift from the creator of the universe, thanks tho... He's the best driver, too.

This isn't self-depreciation like it might sound. It's such a relief to keep this in mind. That it's not up to me. And I don't even have to know where I'm going. 

*Whew.*

*Goes back to taking it one day at a time*

Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Beginnings of days are so intimidating. They are full of promise and potential that is begging to be habitually failed at. I've failed before, I will likely fail again.

That's what the past says.

I'm tired of this, and I have gone ten-plus years having this feeling weighting down on me. I don't like it!!!

Every morning I wake up and feel overwhelmed with the potential of the day. I become paralyzed until I feel like there is a smaller portion of time left in the day, and then sometimes I feel like doing the bare minimum of tasks. Then, I might also feel excited for the next day, given how much MORE time I will have to do MORE than these "bare minimum" tasks.

And yet, each day I feel overwhelmed all over again.

It's not okay!!! I feel like some form of a depressed person, disinterested in life, stuck on dopamine activities, listless and lying to myself about what I really want to be doing.
What I "really" want to be doing is not what I am doing.

And why does it feel so bad? Even when I do everything that I reflexively enjoy (eating blobs of fudge and watching gobs of anime and prime video-- Alias right now) I feel NOT BETTER! Ugh.

And who am I doing it for? I am trying to live for God, but I continue to live for myself. Every day, all the time, it feels like I'm failing. Falling. Dead and fruitless.
Like I said, I've failed before, I will likely fail again. This might be my most pressing morning subconscious thought.

That's what the past says. Or-- wait. Is that the past talking?

Hmmm. I don't believe the past can speak. I can speak. I can listen, too. Who am I letting convince me that my past determines my future? Satan? Myself? A combo of the two, maybe.

I can't do this alone!! I can't have self-control and banish negative thoughts all by myself. Too much of this is habit, and I'm depressed and anxious to boot.

Dear Jesus,

Please help me.
As you heard me above...
Daily, I feel afraid I can't live fully for you.
I certainly don't SEE that I'm living fully for you.

But I don't have to see it, do I? I know you are in control. I don't have to be in control. My lack of perfection means you're still WORKING on me. After all, my desire to get closer to you, Jesus, is proof that you're still calling me. And I'm clumsily heeding your call.

I need you. Please live through me, so that it is not me who lives, but you who lives in me.
Please, God, Holy Spirit, Yahweh -- please act out your Word. If it's your will, please include me in your plan and find a way to make me useful in your plan. I want to be close to you.
And when I'm feeling listless about all of this, please help me WANT to get closer to you....

Amen.


Ps. To everyone:  I am married now to an amazing man named Phtephen (pronounced ff-teven)