Boring talking.

I don't have a lot in mind right now, so I'll just be reaching for words I think.

I just feel bad for not posting for a while, it's got to be some kind of crime to leave a post up for too long about Heroic Age, it will definitely get old.

So anyway, I haven't done anything new lately. Really. Here's to truth telling.

I don't have a job. I have something wrong with my foot (the toe joint I think? it's just kind of damage from too much Dance Dance Revolution stomping, and made worse by running). I also have extreme procrastination. Both those things I described are things I like to say are my excuses. But they don't matter. And now that I'm realizing that, consistently, daily, plus my dad's deadline "we'll help you *RELOCATE* if you don't get a job by september one" is moving my butt along. Thinking, at least.

AARRG!

I'm not angry :)  I'm WORRIED. About myself. And this book my counselor gave me about worrying has been hinting that worrying is just something you do to make yourself feel better when you should really think about how your feeling. So you can avoid your feelings by worrying? Haha, NOT COOL!

And that is what leads to my hesitation. Simple.

I mean, you know, kind of simple....!?!

Does anybody have any tips on how to FEEL like going to sleep when it's time? I have an aversion to it. A huge aversion. I need to just go to bed, just like I need to get a job.

Or better yet, tips on how to wake up even if you haven't had enough sleep. 

It's like I'm depressed, or something. No. It's like I'm depressed.

Listening to: BRIGHT RAiN by miku and a producer I don't know. Eeek so cool. oh, it's my blog playlist :)

Oh! I would really like to buy a lot of manga. I only buy it in Japanese, but unfortunately I can't even try to understand it, despite my strong belief in myself, it obviously means nothing to have hope in learning a language until its... learned, you can't read it. You can't PARTLY learn Japanese and understand manga, you have to FINISH learning Japanese first. Oh well. I don't care, I still want the rest of Black Butler, and all of these: Hanasakeru Seishonen, Paradise Kiss, Glass Mask, Fruits basket, Tegami Bachi, Skip Beat!, and White Album. I WAAANT them so this will be my motivation to go start working and saving money, hmmm?????? :)

Ah. My counselor also gave me info on how to call a nurse practitioner (?) about anxiety. I have lots I could say about what I think and why I might be a anxious person about certain things, but in short: I think pills might help, just to see how they change the way I think. Sometimes I think I need to calm down... :)

And. A sweet person on PianoStreet forum told me that I'm not old, and this person started his/her bachelors at 23 yrs old. YAY! SOB. CRY. :...........(

Kiichigo died. Also sad about that. His fishtank is in the storeroom. Lets see if I can type his name in Japanese, I've never done it before: 木苺 that doesn't look right...　google says it's right. It must be right. It means raspberry ^^

Thanks for reading. Bye. ♥

I feel HAPPY!

I'm happy because I have HOPE right now. I doubt a lot, right? Like, too much.

First, I'm going to tell you about my career stuff. I figured out something monumental earlier today. I have been thinking about majors and career choices... MORE... and I guess I figured out why I was so upset about it all the time. Nursing is definitely a very good option... for some people :)... but I've changed my mind again. It won't hurt me to do a little more research to search for what I really want. There is a career out there, I have to believe, that is something more along the lines of what would be good for me. Nursing is only good because I have experience and it's a secure job. It's terrible for traveling, and using languages I've learned will only be useful minimally. Spanish is helpful in nursing,, but I don't just want one language, I want to learn several languages and actually go places. And I want to learn Japanese. So that is why choosing nursing has been bothering me so much.

And yet, I was so scared to consider something else, that my vision was starting to narrow. How silly! I have to take the step out there and actually look into what careers are like. For some reason, that's been difficult for me, and it's (obviously!!) going to be difficult to choose a career when you don't know what it will be like. But that's exactly what I have been doing, because I'm scared to "consider" new ideas. Weird, huh?

So even though I'm leaning towards computer science, or information, or programming, or something related, I am not going to just say "that's it" and go with it, then freak out again with repetitive, circular, illogical doubts. Instead, I'm going to actually take time to research this stuff (including myself and what I'd be good at). I'm going to read about paralegals. I'm going to read about voice actors. And lawyers! And pianists. And music composers, and writers! And more.

I don't really know what these things are like, or the career paths. So I'm going to learn about everything that catches my interest, in depth, and I'll follow those paths until I know for sure that it's something I don't like.

Once I finally decide after doing some real thinking and searching, I will choose a degree at a good school (that I can pay money for until my parents will help again) and then I will do my BEST and have FUN and focus. I will be careful with the jobs I obtain, and I will learn languages and find a way to use them.

Since I really would like to do something musical someday, I would like that to be somewhat of a goal, alongside other goals... (it's hard to make money playing piano right at the beginning of your education) but even more, I don't want to choose NURSING just because it's secure. It's not the right job for me in some aspects (traveling especially) so I MUST make sure to consider other jobs, instead of avoiding the actual research into them.

So, all this was because I was scared. Nursing is so wrong for me. I almost made a really irresponsible decision because I wanted to give up and just get it over with. That's stupid. I could be happy. I don't think I'll be happy with nursing.

Research time!

And now about Kiichigo and his tank environment! Kiichigo is doing well. He seems a little depressed, but I haven't found him stuck to the filter or anything yet... :-/ haha. not. So yeah! He's soooo pretty, too. Delicate and floaty, with a cute little head and a tiny body, and deep red against the blue and green plants in his 2-gallon tank.

And guess what?! I did something creative with the decorations, besides the plants-- I used marbles in the bottom! I guess what else...?

STRING BEADS!

Haha, string beans.

No, really, just beads. There are regular beads, but also sparkly star-flower ones, and-- can you believe it?-- giraffe beads! There might be some buttons, too, I think.

I really love it. Well, good night! Oh. Morning!

PS. I want to make myself a list of things that I always go back to look at when I feel doubtful of myself. Doubtful... as in, like, "Can I really do this?", "I am not sure I am capable of getting A's while pursuing a degree like that...", and "I'm destined to be like this forever...."

Those things sound so obviously silly when I write them down, because no matter what I'm thinking, they aren't very logical thoughts, because on a day I'm not upset, I know they're not true. But as soon as I start to worry, they seem so REAL! I am going to make a note or list, to myself, of what I want my future to be like, and how I AM capable. I don't want to doubt myself anymore. I don't want to be afraid of things I can't change, and I want to be aware of what I CAN change. 

Okay, here it is. I just wrote this, and I'm proud of it. I'm putting it on "Quotidian".


1. You are capable, beautiful, and tall. You will have a job that pays money, and you will have a place to live. You are not a failure. You are capable of success. Thinking that you aren't is just NOT true. It's actually unfair to the man you're going to marry-- he will appreciate you, and would be upset to think you felt bad about yourself when it's not even a reality.


2. When you feel like the above isn't true, just stop and calm down. Go work out, take a shower, or work on Japanese, pet Jellybean and Cat, run, dance, pray or do something else (besides a story-entertainment thing :)) that takes concentration-- it will help you feel better.

I'm okay

I'm okay, everything's fine. I'm just really focusing. I'm not sure I can do this.

Sometimes I get afraid like that. I just have to change the way I do things. It just feels like I'll never be able to do it. It takes so long... and it's all I can write about, too. :)

Writing here has helped a lot. I think I've refined my ideas down quite well. Tomorrow I have to do better.

Oh, I got a fish! He is a betta. I named him Kiichigo, or きいちご, for his deep raspberry red color. He hasn't looked too happy lately, but it IS only the first day.

I'm so tired.