*Important* ...wink wink... List

Something I should read carefully: don't worry about the number of items on the important list--only focus on doing as many of them as possible, or trying, or attempting, or starting them, or doing them as I can.

(IMPORTANT: try to get as many of these done as possible, but don't shy away from starting because there's so many items.)

lalalala font filler

2 bible verses MEM or REV

16 kanji, choose 30 when possible

piano X or piece, 1 hour, choose 3 hour when possible

theory: just do something

DS game - as much as I want. get computer out as I move on c/ new lessons, that way I won't get behind w/ note taking. 

...X...  SLEEP

certain task->certain part of day - begin late in day (for good or negative reasons) begin at the time of day (this is to be REASONABLE:) - I'm going to make an effort of this.

(less important: get done when and if I have time, really nice to get done, just not like... time-essential, at all.)

organizing music

reading for fun

editing Teddy's story
...okay I admit it... anime
there is other stuff in this cat. I can't think of; it's the fact that the cat. exists that's important, tho.

Priorities! List of 19:

After I wrote these items, I thought up: STUDY/DO the things that I don't want to do the most, first. Look at my actions and life through God's eyes GENTLY (so I can do the same for others). Make my goal something other than perfection. Listen to others with my heart. Take tasks in small chunks, little bits, do-able amounts, and go S-L-O-W when I need to.

This list isn't numbered for order per day, it's numbered for what I should add next for my regular list of activities, as I become ready for a new one.

THIS LIST is about facing fear, taking challenges, making name, and diving in.

1 sleep normally necessarily delicately and in a mansion.
2 all B4 bed: floss, brush, Rx, face
3 nails
4 Bible read, verses
5 exercise
6 dishes
7 Jellybean 2x
8 Japanese 16~ 漢字
9 anki review
   current items, doable amount
10 DS lessons

***********here is what kind of do daily so far?***********

11 piano 2'~
12 anime 1-2'~
13 blog daily, emotions, feelings, whatEVER goes on, not just what I'd like to "pree-zent".
***********Here is my current goal***********
14 Japanese Immersion
15 Dictionaries
16 Translate 1+ item, remember by practicing (+ put in vocab list)
17 write 1 piano song (expect 1')
18 Theory
19 meditate 15"♥

To-DO List. Project Zero: From the ground up.

Me and myself don't have much direction right now. If I was listening to what God wanted me to do, I might understand better, but it's possible that God WANTS me to start listening to myself, and trying to listen to him selflessly isn't exactly what he wants me to do. So here's a list I'm making for all the things I would like to do. It kind of has to go in order for it to work. Let's see if I can do it! No... I will do it!

--> Important thing I just realized. My feelings are verrrrrrry delicate. Or maybe I am just really mentally abusive to myself. ;) no, seriously, that might be it.... I've noticed all this after college. If I was a little more gentle with my heart, I might not have had such a hard time, but either way it was meant to be so that I could learn from such a mistake. So NOW is the time in which I can be gentle, and get another start. :) This really does make me so happy.I have hope, and that's all you need in the beginning.

--> Other important thing. I all this I've written (below too) is really really essential to fixing my life. I mean, it's fabulous info I've thought of. I could really fix myself here. So I need to read through this every day, with the "excuse" that I need to clarify what I've written ('cause some of it really doesn't make sense). I will call this DRAFT 1, so that it stays the same and I won't lose anything important. The first and last drafts I'll post on my blog.

(new sunscreen? prescription, new housecleaning gloves, facemask.)

1. read the Bible and pray daily, (instead of never like I usually do) so that I can understand if I'm doing what God wants me to do or being selfish and avoiding his guidance.

I'm afraid I might be doing that because I haven't been listening at all, and I'm afraid that going in a certain career direction (voice acting) versus another more... ?humble? direction isn't what he wants. But I know I'd be good at it, so I need him to help me understand whether or not that choice is perfect, or taking me in the wrong direction.

2. Work on calming anxiety strategies. This is going to be a forever thing, but I want to especially work on it now, along with reading the bible and praying.

3. Clean house for mom and dad, assigning myself doable tasks and treating them like a job--one that I will begin to orient around time, like it's a real job, so I can get used to the idea of working for real. Instead of paying them rent (which I disrespectfully think is a huge waste of money, and is also violating their rules for me, and that is be really bad... so I need to work hard). I HAVE TO START SMALL, only what I can and will do.

4. Clean up my room, super DUPER. This I can combine with no. two because I'm going to scrapbook and that includes a lot of items located all around the house, masquerading as clutter.(Tithe and receipts, clutter, cleaning.)

5. Learn all my kanji in the Heisig book. If I got over that hump in Japanese learning, I would feel a lot more confident and excited to learn more. I need to try and finish a lot before a new job so that I continue with Japanese quite steadily.

6. Start going through my theory book and make a goal for each day, and if I'm brave enough, a bigger goal. This is hard for me, so be careful and go slow.

7. Since I'm also doing piano, Japanese, house cleaning, losing weight, and this theory too, it IS impossible (yes, it is) to do it in one day, so I have to skip things and do just three things instead of six, or whatever. So I don't have to do theory until I have all the kanji learned, for example. I'm not being specific because I've been doing well at this so far, it's just important that I don't worry and end up watching excess TV just because I didn't know where to start. Actually this is very important. I should now continue to put a list on my phone of which things I can plan on accomplishing in one day, week by week prob. is best.

8. Finish facial peels

9. When I'm ready, (ready probably means all the above accomplished and a weight loss level of 170-180, but it really can be up to me....facial peels would likely give me more time) get a part-time job. Small, and one that I like.I must feel like I'm doing something useful for myself (i.e. I need to feel progress) or a goal for my money saving, like classes or learning, not just fun stuff.

10. Get a haircut. To feel freer, and decisive.(important for acting class)

10. After I'm at or lower than 169: Buy some clothes for school. To feel like I dressed on purpose wherever I go, so I don't have to think about what I look like.

11. Get a club membership for losing weight and lose weight while working at a part time job and studying at home.(scheduling! Big step. A membership may occur earlier but juggling it with a job makes it a more important step, so I put it later just in case.)

12. Piano lessons with a pro teacher. This is my "attempt to succeed in school without freaking my heart out" tryout. I don't have to do this before an acting class. It might be inconvenient, but I also really do need to take piano lessons, and I probably will need credits anyway.

13. After I'm at or lower than 169: Adventures in Voice acting DVD, then TAKE AN ACTING CLASS.  This is not just because I want to be a voice actor. (I'm not sure yet, just like B4 with Japan.) BUT, I KNOW it will help my confidence problems, so that can be my reason until I'm sure about being a voice actor.

14. Start going to school.

15. Take Japanese class. Since it's very important I succeed, I think I should do this AFTER I succeed in school regarding music. I know I can do music, no matter what has and could happen, but Japanese is delicate. I can't scare myself away by doing badly there. It's possible I'm being too cautious, though, and I should be going now because Japanese is close by at community college, and not other places. Hmmm.

16. Move away from home. This might come earlier, if I don't do Japanese classes and want to start Music instead.

17. Finish school. Have a B.A. degree in music. This is all tentative because I don't know what to do with a B.A. in music. Well, get a job in that, save money for going to Japan, and just save money in general.

18. Find a place to practice piano when not in school or save to buy a cheap piano.

19.Save money.

20.Have my own car somehow. Save for that, it could happen.... Maybe I don't need it. (When I move away, Daddy or Mom will drive me and my bike-- after moving my stuff-- to my new apartment, and I will have them pick me up if I need to leave. :) Ahhhhh that is such a bad idea. It would work for school though.

21. GET a job as a teacher in Japan. This doesn't need and really ISN'T hard because I love Japan and teaching, I am detail oriented and like people, so if I'm not afraid, I can get a job like SNAP. God will help me. If it's harder than I thought, go as a missionary.

22. Keep on the lookout for a man to fall in love with. Tell him I need to take everything slowly. I think he needs to be seventh-day adventist, but if I don't go and figure that out soon, I'm not going to know what to tell him. :) This is also an issue with Sabbath and working a job. I do need to do devotional everyday. I have questions that many of my church friends probably know what they would do personally, and I don't know!

Weight Loss List!

stuff for my weight loss list?

what's left (not added) --> it's okay to remove stuff from my lists or replace it with something I like better, just try to avoid buying things that I don't want as much as something else!
--> lbs guidlines are just to help. I can't fit everything in if I follow that exactly:)
--> buy animes together if shipping is cheaper, it's okay as long as I put them away at home until it's time.
-->!! ADD MANGA as appropriate; I'm missing just about all of them, and it's going to get intense as I lose more.

RULE: !! needs to be stuff that I actually want; something I would spend money OVER something else-- I have to want it that much.

CURRENT LIST... which I'm going to edit right now:

189+APPLICATIONS christmas box
187 home haircut
183 the wallflower
182 Crimson Camellia
181 DyeMoon
179 Black Butler #1(ebay)
177.5 church bells CD
177 brush pen
174 salon haircut short
170 peach girl
169 Dye2
167 Bleach #1(check order info in doc.)
163 romeo X juliet
162.5 small items protector box
162 three shirts set
161.5 magazines, grey flip-flops, sm purse
157.5 Neo Angelique Abyss1
153.5 Neo Angelique Abyss2
149.5 fruits basket
149 bike lock + mickey mouse tote
148.5 white mexico dress
148 pink flats
147.5 blue flip-flops
147 red flip-flops
145.5 vampire knight + guilty
145 jean skirt
141.5 bleach set 1
141 purple green garden dress
140 rose dress
139 bleach teeth (haha)
139 grey kimono dress (haha)
139 bleach set 2 (haha!)
138.5 I Like You
138 Spice!
137.5 Anger
137 Filozoifio
136.5 Just be friends
136 Fruits basket manga #1
135.5 Nana #1
135 skullcandy headphones
134 silver promise box
134 SHOP
134 howl's moving castle
134 home nails + wax
134 cosplay outfit
134 eyebrows
134 new fancy cosmetics or other products
134 monk chanting CD itunes
134+complex. TUNAGATE
(AFTER 134 & 2000 kanji, and read all of Grammar guide:) textfugu? $120
LH4L!!

8-9-10

EIGHT O'CLOCK PREP / NINE O'CLOCK LOCKOUT / TEN O'CLOCK ABSOLUTE POWEROUT


1. med x 3
2. Eat something healthy - a vitamin, some oatmeal, a glass of water, some tea...
3. 15+ min Japanese
4. 1 ch + Bible
5. brush, floss
6. facewash OR shower
7. facecream
and then...

-.-


ALSO ADD TO.

Hopefully one of the Final Lists. Comprehensive!

+++Here are the things I need to do to fix my life and take responsibility for things (i.e. the decisions I need to make, that I haven't been making, I suppose?).+++

1. start getting some things done every day, and accomplish this by doing that at set hours of the day instead of waiting till end of the day and doing them all at once or not getting them done. 

[This one includes solving my school problem -- getting good grades now, OR quitting now and just focusing on working at a new job I will find, making money so that I can quit work in the fall (sept. 2011 and focus just on school or have school and just a part time job.)]

2. don't use negative thoughts to motivate myself, and replace the "judgmental" negative ones with the opposite. (I had heard I shouldn't judge myself, but I didn't know what to do instead, so silly, right?)

3. this one uses #2. when it comes to starting a project, don't start with the thought that I might not finish. EXPECT to quit in the middle. This is what will happen anyway. INSTEAD of wat I usually do, get into the habit of starting, stopping, starting, stopping, and thinking positive thoughts throughout all that-- this is so I don't have to worry about expectations. I can't handle those expectations now, and I'd do okay without them.)

4. when I start having "worry spells" (? (: ) and I can't think straight because of it,  I have to develop a kind of tactic. first, I replace bad thoughts with positive ones-- like feeling happy about myself, accepting and enjoying my own character as is, and having hope, at least, if not hardcore belief, that I could succeed in whatever I'm attempting. This tactic is still evolving, I think there might be other things I could do. 

- immerse myself in a simple task, like breathing, or praying.

5. and, of course, really trying to read this list, and IMPLEMENT it. the IMPLEMENTATION is the part I always forget. ;)

6. 1 simple thing: do yr homework the night before and get enough sleep to wake up, or don't expect that it's possible to make it to class prepared; therefore you won't be going or have any homework done. (THAT IS WHAT WILL HAPPEN.)

THINGS FROM MY LAST BLOG THAT I WANT TO PUT INTO THIS ONE BUT I DON'T HAVE TIME TO YET:
I need to look at just the steps.

So, back to number one and two.
1. I am afraid, so I get anxious.
2. That's because I avoid making decisions.
3. THAT leads to it turning into a circle -- 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2....

I need to find a way to deal with fear when it hits me. I'm not always going to be prepared for things, and so fear is normal. I need to NOT hide, and instead FACE the problem.

When I do get anxious due to my fear, and I stop thinking straight, I have to figure out how to stop myself so that I can think again, and then deal with the fear.

I MUST FIGHT FOR THIS

Edit5

1. Make decisions. A lot.
2. attack problems. just go for it, just stare it right in the face.
3.  finish tasks and MOVE ON to the next. this includes walking the dog, taking breaks, and cleaning, which are things I usually spend to much time doing.

4. keep a level, in-control attitude AAT, if possible.

PRIORITIES - DO THIS FIRST.
1. pray
2. bible tea/h2o
3. bath/wash/be clean
4. sleep

5. studies
   ~ sit down, write a list of the homework you need to get done that day.
   ~ create and order, and detail this list by answering the question: "What is the most relevant and efficient way of getting a perfect or as-good-as-possible grade in a reasonable amount of time?"
  ~ get comfy, cement yourself to the spot, and finish the list while keeping other priorities in mind.
6. exercise, lose weight, keep room and house clean.

choose the path of a task or the path of an avoidance?

Kanji List for "Remembering the Kanji" / 漢字リスト

I made a list (for myself) of all the kanji used in Remembering the Kanji by James W. Heisig. This is necessary and really useful if you need to use the characters for digital flashcards. (I use Anki.) I'm sure there are other reason someone might want this list. I keep these kanji in the simple text program on my PC, notepad.

UPDATE! MORE KANJI! UPDATE!
LATER EDIT -  SA / 8-13-11 / 12:54: - I'm going to add the rest of them now... sorry I didn't have this done before! I've decided: Since I'm really truly going to finish the book, I should make ALL the digital flashcards on Anki right away. Before, I had been adding cards each time I learned new Kanji, and that is a terrible waste of time!!! To me, 2042 looks simple at first, but when I realize how big that number is, I freak out and only half-way commit myself... so now I'm committing to finishing all of them, even if I die first.

For other stuff I'm using to learn Japanese, check out my study log at TheJapanesePage.com - Caladwenaeariel's Study Log.

CHAPTER 1
一, 二, 三, 四, 五, 六, 七, 八, 九, 十, 口, 日, 月, 田, 目

CHAPTER 2
古, 吾, 冒, 朋, 明, 唱, 晶, 品, 呂, 昌, 早, 旭, 世, 胃, 旦, 胆, 亘, 凹, 凸

CHAPTER 3
旧, 自, 白, 百, 中, 千, 舌, 升, 昇, 丸, 寸, 専, 博, 占, 上, 下, 卓, 朝

CHAPTER 4
只, 貝, 貞, 員, 見, 児, 元, 頁, 頑, 凡, 負, 万, 句, 肌, 旬, 勺, 的, 首

CHAPTER 5 71-94
乙, 乱, 直, 具, 真, 工, 左, 右, 有, 賄, 貢, 項, 刀, 刃, 切, 召, 昭, 則, 副, 別, 丁, 町, 可, 頂

CHAPTER 6 95-104
子, 孔, 了, 女, 好, 如, 母, 貫, 兄, 克

CHAPTER 7 105-126
小, 少, 大, 多, 夕, 汐, 外, 名, 石, 肖, 硝, 砕, 砂, 削, 光, 太, 器, 臭, 妙, 省, 厚, 奇

CHAPTER 8 127-172 +46
川, 州, 順, 水, 氷, 永, 泉, 原, 願, 泳, 沼, 沖, 江, 汁, 潮, 源, 活, 消, 況, 河, 泊, 湖, 測, 土, 吐, 圧, 埼, 垣, 圭, 封, 涯,

寺, 時, 均, 火, 炎, 煩, 淡, 灯, 畑, 災, 灰, 点, 照, 魚, 漁

CHAPTER 9 173-194 +22
里, 黒, 墨, 鯉, 量, 厘, 埋, 同, 洞, 胴, 向, 尚, 字, 守, 完, 宣, 宵, 安, 宴, 寄, 富, 貯

CHAPTER 10 195-234 +40
木, 林, 森, 桂, 柏, 枠, 梢, 棚, 杏, 桐, 植, 枯, 朴, 村, 相, 机, 本, 札, 暦, 案, 燥, 未, 末, 沫, 味, 妹, 朱, 株, 若, 草, 苦, 寛, 薄, 葉, 模, 漠, 墓, 暮, 膜, 苗

CHAPTER 11 235-249 +15
兆, 桃, 眺, 犬, 状, 黙, 然, 荻, 狩, 猫, 牛, 特, 告, 先, 洗

CHAPTER 12 250-276 +27
介, 界, 茶, 合, 塔, 王, 玉, 宝, 珠, 現, 狂, 皇, 呈, 全, 栓, 理, 主, 注, 柱, 金, 銑, 鉢, 銅, 釣, 針, 銘, 鎮

CHAPTER 13 277-299 +23
道, 導, 辻, 迅, 造, 迫, 逃, 辺, 巡, 車, 連, 軌, 輸, 前, 各, 格, 略, 客, 額, 夏, 処, 条, 落

CHAPTER 14 300-323 +24
冗, 軍, 輝, 運, 冠, 夢, 坑, 高, 享, 塾, 熟, 亭, 京, 涼, 景, 鯨, 舎, 周, 週, 士, 吉, 壮, 荘, 売

CHAPTER 15 324-352 +29
学, 覚, 栄, 書, 津, 牧, 攻, 敗, 枚, 故, 敬, 言, 警, 計, 獄, 訂, 討, 訓, 詔, 詰, 話, 詠, 詩, 語, 読, 調, 談, 諾, 諭

CHAPTER 16 353-369 +17
式, 試, 弐, 域, 賊, 栽, 載, 茂, 成, 城, 誠, 威, 滅, 減, 桟, 銭, 浅

CHAPTER 17 370-395 +26
止, 歩, 渉, 頻, 肯, 企, 歴, 武, 賦, 正, 証, 政, 定, 錠, 走, 超, 赴, 越, 是, 題, 堤, 建, 延, 誕, 礎, 婿

CHAPTER 18 396-475 +79
衣, 裁, 装, 裏, 壊, 哀, 遠, 猿, 初, 布, 帆, 幅, 帽, 幕, 幌, 錦, 市, 姉, 肺, 帯, 滞, 刺, 制, 製, 転, 芸, 雨, 雲, 曇, 雷, 霜,

冬, 天, 橋, 嬌, 立, 泣, 章, 競, 帝, 童, 瞳, 鐘, 商, 嫡, 適, 滴, 敵, 匕, 北, 背, 比, 昆, 皆, 混, 渇, 謁, 褐, 喝, 旨, 脂, 壱, 毎, 敏, 梅, 海, 乞, 乾, 腹, 複, 欠, 吹, 炊, 歌, 軟, 次, 茨, 資, 姿, 諮

CHAPTER 19 476-508 +32
賠, 培, 剖, 音, 暗, 韻, 識, 鏡, 境, 亡, 盲, 妄, 荒, 望, 方, 妨, 坊, 芳, 肪, 訪, 放, 激, 脱, 説, 鋭, 曽, 増, 贈, 東, 棟, 凍, 妊, 廷

CHAPTER 20 509-514 +6
染, 燃, 賓, 歳, 県, 栃

CHAPTER 21 515-577 +63
地, 池, 虫, 蛍, 蛇, 虹, 蝶, 独, 蚕, 風, 己, 起, 妃, 改, 記, 包, 胞, 砲, 泡, 亀, 電, 竜, 滝, 豚, 逐, 遂, 家, 嫁, 豪, 腸, 場, 湯, 羊, 美, 洋, 詳, 鮮, 達, 羨, 差, 着, 唯, 焦, 礁, 集, 准, 進, 雑, 雌, 準, 奮, 奪, 確, 午, 許, 歓, 権, 観, 羽, 習, 翌, 曜, 濯

CHAPTER 22 578-636 +59
曰, 困, 固, 国, 団, 因, 姻, 園, 回, 壇, 店, 庫, 庭, 庁, 床, 麻, 磨, 心, 忘, 忍, 認, 忌, 志, 誌, 忠, 串, 患, 思, 恩, 応, 意, 想, 息, 憩, 恵, 恐, 惑, 感, 憂, 寡, 忙, 悦, 恒, 悼, 悟, 怖, 慌, 悔, 憎, 慣, 愉, 惰, 慎, 憾, 憶, 慕, 添, 必, 泌

CHAPTER 23 637-766 +130
手, 看, 摩, 我, 義, 議, 犠, 抹, 抱, 搭, 抄, 抗, 批, 招, 拓, 拍, 打, 拘, 捨, 拐, 摘, 挑, 指, 持, 括, 揮, 推, 揚, 提, 損, 拾, 担, 拠, 描, 操, 接, 掲, 掛, 研, 戒, 械, 鼻, 刑, 型, 才, 財, 材, 存, 在, 乃, 携, 及, 吸, 扱, 丈, 史, 吏, 更, 硬, 又, 双, 桑, 隻, 護, 獲, 奴, 怒, 友, 抜, 投, 没, 設, 撃, 殻, 支, 技, 枝, 肢, 茎, 怪, 軽, 叔, 督, 寂, 淑, 反, 坂, 板, 返, 販, 爪, 妥, 乳, 浮, 将, 奨, 採, 菜, 受, 授, 愛, 払, 広, 拡, 鉱, 弁, 雄, 台, 怠, 治, 始, 胎, 窓, 去, 法, 会, 至, 室, 到, 致, 互, 棄, 育, 撤, 充, 銃, 硫, 流, 允, 唆

CHAPTER 24 767-795 +29
出, 山, 拙, 岩, 炭, 岐, 峠, 崩, 密, 蜜, 嵐, 崎, 入, 込, 分, 貧, 頒, 公, 松, 翁, 訟, 谷, 浴, 容, 溶, 欲, 裕, 鉛, 沿

CHAPTER 25 796-891 +96
賞, 党, 堂, 常, 裳, 掌, 皮, 波, 婆, 披, 破, 被, 残, 殉, 殊, 殖, 列, 裂, 烈, 死, 葬, 瞬, 耳, 取, 趣, 最, 撮, 恥, 職, 聖, 敢, 聴, 懐, 慢, 漫, 買, 置, 罰, 寧, 濁, 環, 還, 夫, 扶, 渓, 規, 替, 賛, 潜, 失, 鉄, 迭, 臣, 姫, 蔵, 臓, 賢, 堅, 臨, 覧, 巨, 拒, 力, 男, 労, 募, 劣, 功, 勧, 努, 励, 加, 賀, 架, 脇, 脅, 協, 行, 律, 復, 得, 従, 徒, 待, 往, 征, 径, 彼, 役, 徳, 徹, 徴, 懲, 微, 街, 衡

CHAPTER 26 892-950 +59
稿, 稼, 程, 税, 稚, 和, 移, 秒, 秋, 愁, 私, 秩, 秘, 称, 利, 梨, 穫, 穂, 稲, 香, 季, 委, 秀, 透, 誘, 穀, 菌, 米, 粉, 粘, 粒, 粧, 迷, 粋, 糧, 菊, 奥, 数, 楼, 類, 漆, 様, 求, 球, 救, 竹, 笑, 笠, 笹, 筋, 箱, 筆, 筒, 等, 算, 答, 策, 簿, 築

CHAPTER 27 951-1026 +76
人, 佐, 但, 住, 位, 仲, 体, 悠, 件, 仕, 他, 伏, 伝, 仏, 休, 仮, 伯, 俗, 信, 佳, 依, 例, 個, 健, 側, 侍, 停, 値, 倣, 倒, 偵, 僧, 億, 儀, 償, 仙, 催, 仁, 侮, 使, 便, 倍, 優, 伐, 宿, 傷, 保, 褒, 傑, 付, 符, 府, 任, 賃, 代, 袋, 貸, 化, 花, 貨, 傾, 何, 荷, 俊, 傍, 久, 畝, 囚, 内, 丙, 柄, 肉, 腐, 座, 卒, 傘

CHAPTER 28 1027-1044 +18
匁, 以, 似, 併, 瓦, 瓶, 宮, 営, 善, 年, 夜, 液, 塚, 幣, 弊, 喚, 換, 融

CHAPTER 29 1045-1085 +41
施, 旋, 遊, 旅, 勿, 物, 易, 賜, 尿, 尼, 泥, 塀, 履, 屋, 握, 屈, 掘, 堀, 居, 据, 層, 局, 遅, 漏, 刷, 尺, 尽, 沢, 訳, 択, 昼, 戸, 肩, 房, 扇, 炉, 戻, 涙, 雇, 顧, 啓

CHAPTER 30 1086-1124 +39
示, 礼, 祥, 祝, 福, 祉, 社, 視, 奈, 尉, 慰, 款, 禁, 襟, 宗, 崇, 祭, 察, 擦, 由, 抽, 油, 袖, 宙, 届, 笛, 軸, 甲, 押, 岬, 挿, 申, 伸, 神, 捜, 果, 菓, 課, 裸

CHAPTER 31 1125-1183 +59
斤, 析, 所, 祈, 近, 折, 哲, 逝, 誓, 暫, 漸, 断, 質, 斥, 訴, 昨, 詐, 作, 雪, 録, 尋, 急, 穏, 侵, 浸, 寝, 婦, 掃, 当, 争, 浄, 事, 唐, 糖, 康, 逮, 伊, 君, 群, 耐, 需, 儒, 端, 両, 満, 画, 歯, 曲, 曹, 遭, 漕, 槽, 斗, 料, 科, 図, 用, 庸, 備

CHAPTER 32 1184-1219 +36
昔, 錯, 借, 惜, 措, 散, 廿, 庶, 遮, 席, 度, 渡, 奔, 噴, 墳, 憤, 焼, 暁, 半, 伴, 畔, 判, 券, 巻, 圏, 勝, 藤, 謄, 片, 版, 之, 乏, 芝, 不, 否, 杯

CHAPTER 33 1220-1247 +28
矢, 矯, 族, 知, 智, 矛, 柔, 務, 霧, 班, 帰, 弓, 引, 弔, 弘, 強, 弱, 沸, 費, 第, 弟, 巧, 号, 朽, 誇, 汚, 与, 写

CHAPTER 34 1248-1293 +46
身, 射, 謝, 老, 考, 孝, 教, 拷, 者, 煮, 著, 署, 暑, 諸, 猪, 渚, 賭, 峡, 狭, 挟, 追, 師, 帥, 官, 棺, 管, 父, 交, 効, 較, 校, 足, 促, 距, 路, 露, 跳, 躍, 践, 踏, 骨, 滑, 髄, 禍, 渦, 過

CHAPTER 35 1294-1332 +39
阪, 阿, 際, 障, 随, 陪, 陽, 陳, 防, 附, 院, 陣, 隊, 墜, 降, 階, 陛, 隣, 隔, 隠, 堕, 陥, 穴, 空, 控, 突, 究, 窒, 窃, 窪, 搾, 窯, 窮, 探, 深, 丘, 岳, 兵, 浜

CHAPTER 36 1333-1394 +62
糸, 織, 繕, 縮, 繁, 縦, 線, 締, 維, 羅, 練, 緒, 続, 絵, 統, 絞, 給, 絡, 結, 終, 級, 紀, 紅, 納, 紡, 紛, 紹, 経, 紳, 約, 細, 累, 索, 総, 綿, 絹, 繰, 継, 緑, 縁, 網, 緊, 紫, 縛, 縄, 幼, 後, 幽, 幾, 機, 玄, 畜, 蓄, 弦, 擁, 滋, 慈, 磁, 系, 係, 孫, 懸

CHAPTER 37 1395-1426 +32
却, 脚, 卸, 御, 服, 命, 令, 零, 齢, 冷, 領, 鈴, 勇, 通, 踊, 疑, 擬, 凝, 範, 犯, 厄, 危, 宛, 腕, 苑, 怨, 柳, 卵, 留, 貿, 印, 興

CHAPTER 38 1427-1483 +57
酉, 酒, 酌, 酵, 酷, 酬, 酪, 酢, 酔, 配, 酸, 猶, 尊, 豆, 頭, 短, 豊, 鼓, 喜, 樹, 皿, 血, 盆, 盟, 盗, 温, 監, 濫, 鑑, 猛, 盛, 塩, 銀, 恨, 根, 即, 爵, 節, 退, 限, 眼, 良, 朗, 浪, 娘, 食, 飯, 飲, 飢, 餓, 飾, 館, 養, 飽, 既, 概, 慨

CHAPTER 39 1484-1530 +47
平, 呼, 坪, 評, 刈, 希, 凶, 胸, 離, 殺, 純, 鈍, 辛, 辞, 梓, 宰, 壁, 避, 新, 薪, 親, 幸, 執, 報, 叫, 糾, 収, 卑, 碑, 陸, 睦, 勢, 熱, 菱, 陵, 亥, 核, 刻, 該, 劾, 述, 術, 寒, 醸, 譲, 壌, 嬢

CHAPTER 40 1531-1586 +56
毒, 素, 麦, 青, 精, 請, 情, 晴, 清, 静, 責, 績, 積, 債, 漬, 表, 俵, 潔, 契, 喫, 害, 轄, 割, 憲, 生, 星, 姓, 性, 牲, 産, 隆, 峰, 縫, 拝, 寿, 鋳, 籍, 春, 椿, 泰, 奏, 実, 奉, 俸, 棒, 謹, 勤, 漢, 嘆, 難, 華, 垂, 睡, 錘, 乗, 剰

CHAPTER 41 1587-1615 +29
今, 含, 吟, 念, 琴, 陰, 予, 序, 預, 野, 兼, 嫌, 鎌, 謙, 廉, 西, 価, 要, 腰, 票, 漂, 標, 栗, 遷, 覆, 煙, 南, 楠, 献

CHAPTER 42 1616-1647 +32
門, 問, 閲, 閥, 間, 簡, 開, 閉, 閣, 閑, 聞, 潤, 欄, 闘, 倉, 創, 非, 俳, 排, 悲, 罪, 輩, 扉, 侯, 候, 決, 快, 偉, 違, 緯, 衛, 韓

CHAPTER 43 1648-1681 +34
干, 肝, 刊, 汗, 軒, 岸, 幹, 芋, 宇, 余, 除, 徐, 叙, 途, 斜, 塗, 束, 頼, 瀬, 勅, 疎, 速, 整, 剣, 険, 検, 倹, 重, 動, 勲, 働, 種, 衝, 薫

CHAPTER 44 1682-1709 +28
病, 痴, 痘, 症, 疾, 痢, 疲, 疫, 痛, 癖, 匿, 匠, 医, 匹, 区, 枢, 殴, 欧, 抑, 仰, 迎, 登, 澄, 発, 廃, 僚, 寮, 療

CHAPTER 45 1710-1756 +47
彫, 形, 影, 杉, 彩, 彰, 彦, 顔, 須, 膨, 参, 惨, 修, 珍, 診, 文, 対, 紋, 蚊, 斉, 剤, 済, 斎, 粛, 塁, 楽, 薬, 率, 渋, 摂, 央, 英, 映, 赤, 赦, 変, 跡, 蛮, 恋, 湾, 黄, 横, 把, 色, 絶, 艶, 肥

CHAPTER 46 1757-1775 +19
甘, 紺, 某, 謀, 媒, 欺, 棋, 旗, 期, 碁, 基, 甚, 勘, 堪, 貴, 遺, 遣, 舞, 無

CHAPTER 47 1776-1805 +30
組, 粗, 租, 祖, 阻, 査, 助, 宜, 畳, 並, 普, 譜, 湿, 顕, 繊, 霊, 業, 撲, 僕, 共, 供, 異, 翼, 洪, 港, 暴, 爆, 恭, 選, 殿

CHAPTER 48 1806-1827 +22
井, 囲, 耕, 亜, 悪, 円, 角, 触, 解, 再, 講, 購, 構, 溝, 論, 倫, 輪, 偏, 遍, 編, 冊, 典

CHAPTER 49 1828-1852 +25
氏, 紙, 婚, 低, 抵, 底, 民, 眠, 捕, 浦, 蒲, 舗, 補, 邸, 郭, 郡, 郊, 部, 都, 郵, 邦, 郷, 響, 郎, 廊

CHAPTER 50 1853-1879 +27
盾, 循, 派, 脈, 衆, 逓, 段, 鍛, 后, 幻, 司, 伺, 詞, 飼, 嗣, 舟, 舶, 航, 般, 盤, 搬, 船, 艦, 艇, 瓜, 弧, 孤

CHAPTER 51 1880-1903 +24
繭, 益, 暇, 敷, 来, 気, 汽, 飛, 沈, 妻, 衰, 衷, 面, 革, 靴, 覇, 声, 呉, 娯, 誤, 蒸, 承, 函, 極


CHAPTER 52 1904-1926 +23
牙, 芽, 邪, 雅, 釈, 番, 審, 翻, 藩, 毛, 耗, 尾, 宅, 託, 為, 偽, 長, 張, 帳, 脹, 髪, 展, 喪

CHAPTER 53 1927-1977 +51
巣, 単, 戦, 禅, 弾, 桜, 獣, 脳, 悩, 厳, 鎖, 挙, 誉, 猟, 鳥, 鳴, 鶴, 烏, 蔦, 鳩, 鶏, 島, 暖, 媛, 援, 緩, 属, 嘱, 偶, 遇, 愚, 隅, 逆, 塑, 岡, 鋼, 綱, 剛, 缶, 陶, 揺, 謡, 就, 懇, 墾, 免, 逸, 晩, 勉, 象, 像

CHAPTER 54 1978-2005 +28
馬, 駒, 験, 騎, 駐, 駆, 駅, 騒, 駄, 驚, 篤, 騰, 虎, 虜, 膚, 虚, 戯, 虞, 慮, 劇, 虐, 鹿, 薦, 慶, 麗, 熊, 能, 態

CHAPTER 55 2006-2025 +20
寅, 演, 辰, 辱, 震, 振, 娠, 唇, 農, 濃, 送, 関, 咲, 鬼, 醜, 魂, 魔, 魅, 塊, 襲

CHAPTER 56 2026-2042 +17
嚇, 朕, 雰, 箇, 錬, 遵, 罷, 屯, 且, 藻, 隷, 癒, 丹, 潟, 丑, 卯, 巳

FIN X)

I'm soooooooo far from chapter nineteen right now. :) I'm still in chapter four and five. If you're using this book, tell me where you're at in a comment! Do you like the book? Are you dying with anticipation? Is it boring?

LATER EDIT: ...ironically... I'm in chapter 19 right now. hee hee. accomplishing is lots of fun.

Like THAT!!!!

ooookay. inspirational time!

The best way to get something done effectively, truly, truly, efficiently I mean, is to make (or schedule) and follow the time. I don't follow time because I'm simply never doing anything. So it's easy to get behind when I need to do something and I never start. Basically I'm saying I have free time and some time to do work, but I put off work.

The solution???!!! Is to do the work at a certain time every day! To work within LIMITS!

Yup.
5-6: up, exercise, eat, dress.

8: pills
after 8 or before (ASAP): homework due, studies (school), independent studies, piano.

8: pills

9-10: bed/lights

like THAT.

Edit3

more things for studying improvement:

1. pick JUST ONE THING to focus on, and DO NOT imagine doing the other parts. Even tell yourself that you don't have to do any other parts.

2. start this process earlier.

I got 人間失格 in the mail today! (You say "Ningen Shikkaku" or "No Longer Human"). I didn't buy it from Japan, but that's where it came from, so it's ALL in Japanese. I'm not going to be able to read it thoroughly for at least a year, I'm pretty sure, but it's inspiration at least. I can also look at it and find kanji that I've learned already. It's quite a lot of fun when that happens.

* ** *    *   * * *          *   * *    **   *   *  *Bleeww Stars * ** *    *   * * *          *   *    **   *   *  *

I'm slowly straightening my life out. My problems.. I guess... are not being able to finish any tasks, not having a good source of income, and not living in a scheduled sort of way.

I think what I need to do differently is to make sure that I finish the really obvious things first: that means my homework and getting enough sleep. Not having enough moolah hasn't killed me yet because I make enough to pay rent (but I do need a better job). So those things are things I will PRIORITIZE.

Also, it really HELPS!!! me to write down a broken-down list of one task (like cleaning my room) or in my head (for a homework assignment). After breaking those things down, I focus ONLY ONLY ONLY on one item, and when I finish that one, I can move on to the next one. If I get distracted, it's okay, and I can also take breaks, but I have to come BACK to that one item, not get distracted and move on to some other item or even another task.

This idea helps because my brain doesn't normally break things down and stay with the small broken-down parts, I just think, "Ohhh so much stuff. I'll go do something else... first... or maybe I'll just do this later, whenever that might be!! Maybe I'll wait until the end of the world... or sometime before or after--........"

I also know for a fact that I study better when I'm stuck somewhere or in a place without distractions, like (specifically) a car. So I'm going to try and make study spaces-- in my closet and under my bed, also my couch, and maybe elsewhere in the house if possible, and see what works.

Here are some things that I'm going to be doing and want to remember to do! (To simplify my life and get the stuff done that's necessary for succeeding in school and becoming confident.)

* rubberband a ribbon to my chair leg!
* clean out my closet-- table!
* keep working on task completion each day, one @ a time [piano, bible, japanese, exercise, homework, sleep]
* put pink-purple-white under desk!
      throw away/give away=> rearrange
      pc + couch + bed
      bookcase ~ studying
* do hmwk + sleep 1st so I can say YES to work as a fulltime job. (if it doesn't become FT, look 4 something else, esp. something that I could lose weight doing OR is really easy, or the other.)

Edit2

It's going down the drain. Can I fix it? Will I be able to?

I missed class today. I was late. Being late makes me depressed, and then I avoid going at all. But I don't think I could have made it, and that's why I didn't try.

Anyway, I want to never do that again. It's nice to imagine a good ending.

Okay. Here's my list again, updated with ideas/tips for what I want to do tomorrow, an X means I did it today like I was supposed to:

It's... JANUARY
[X] exercise
[  ] homework and chores NOW not later, imagine do homework and chores everyday ahead of time as much as possible. 
[  ]work on job searching progress as time allows, goal is to find a job ASAP
[  ]japanese (ch 3+4) 
[  ]clean room entirely
[  ]piano real 20
[  ]bible 10

New Study Strategy

I'm in school right now, and I'm assigned things. But I have things that I want to learn WITHOUT going to school.

I have a hard time... assigning myself things....

So I'm going to write it down, and make the assignments NOT few, but MANY, and small. MY WEAKNESS IS GETTING A NUMBER OF THINGS DONE. I'm also lousy at finishing large projects, but I'll get to that after I learn how to do more than one thing at a time. I think that is the best way to do it, because it covers the things I've never been able to do before, too (the multitask thing, not just the one-project thing).

note: these lists I write make me feel great. It's like a weird version of a high, or a form of relaxation. But I don't want to be writing it because it makes me happy. I want to actually do these things. There is such a huge difference, sometimes I don't comprehend it, and then I don't actually use the list, and forget about it, etc.... So it is VERY important that I report back to say how I've done. I really want to treat this like it's a list of assignments that I want to do. I think I might edit the assignments, and add my comments, just like the ones you see now, and re-copy the assignment part and put up a new post with those things each time I feel like it needs modification or as a report on my progress.

For each day, and each week, and month. Here are my assignments! LOOK AT THEM ONE AT A TIME. find a way to write down tasks daily.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:
.................................................................................................

JANUARY

wk 2...12-14: lose weight by exercising (record on wall)

japanese: finish two chapters (that's 3 and 4.)

clean room entirely.

practice piano, real, 20 min a day.

read the bible, 10 min a day.

wk 3...15-21: lose weight by exercising.

japanese: finish three chapters. (that's 5, 6, 7.)

practice piano 20 min. a day.

read the bible, 10 min. a day.

wk 4...22-28: lose weight by exercising.

japanese: finish four chapters. (that's 8, 9, 10, 11.)

practice piano 30 min. a day. 

read the bible, 20 min. a day.

ALL DAYS:

exercise everyday.

do homework and chores everyday ahead of time as much as possible.

work on job searching progress as time allows, goal is to find a job ASAP. (... can't open christmas presents... !)

LOOK FORWARD TO 134.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:
.................................................................................................
FEBRUARY
tba. too much to think about.

MARCH
tba. obviously too much to think about.
remember march 17 trip. DON'T BE FAAAT!

A change of family atmosphere!

アニメ Minus Subtitles: Listening

I've been watching random animes on the internet lately that don't have subtitles. Sometimes it helps me listen to the Japanese better, and I also don't have to be looking at the screen, because I won't be able to "listen" either better either way, so I can do something else at the same time. Like, right now, I'm playing a special from Harukanaru Toki no naka de. (There are a lot of "related" shows for that one, it's confusing!!!)

Anyway, I notice a lot of things when I listen instead of watch, or at least watch without subtitles. It's kind of fun!

Boundaries: I'm Extending Too Far?

Also while under the subject of "listening", I'll mention ramble on at length about something new I'm doing. My mom and I were yelling and arguing with each other yesterday (Friday) and she said things that I actually listened to. I realized she's been trying to tell me things for a very long time, but I was just never listening. So that (listening) is something I need to do differently (more often). She was telling me how frustrated she is with how I respond to her sometimes. Mom will ask me to do something, or tell me to, or tell me not to do something. This might be to do the dishes, walk the dog, run an errand, quit filling the sink up with unsanitary raw egg drippings, or fetch her something, and usually it's important that I do it right THEN, or it's at least time-oriented. To that, I might argue, or argue about the methods, or say "after I've said no, you shouldn't cross the boundary by ordering me around further. Let me be in control of my own actions."

My Mother's Feelings

Although I had felt that my actions were justifiable, I suppose that maybe that isn't the point. I need to try to help keep peace around the house, more than I need to get people to do what I want or allow me to do what I want. I don't have to have everything my way, I mean, see?

No matter what my someone, my mother especially, asks me to do, it isn't worth it for me to cause an argument. That doesn't matter, if I truly want to stay in the house and live with everyone, and as a part of the family. I'm not treating them like I'm a part of them, I'm acting like I don't care and they're not connected to me (as family).

I ALSO need to remember that I mustn't expect to be listened to. Sometimes mom doesn't listen to me, just like I don't listen to her. It's normal to want to be heard, and in that process, you end up speaking while NOT listening to the other person. And when the other person doesn't listen to what you're trying to say, you never stop to listen, and then each person will never be satisfied because they haven't been heard, so they won't stop to listen to the other... kind of like war... and so it never stops.

So when I'm blabbering on about how I feel, I have to stop and say to myself, "Don't expect to be listened to. Blabbering WILL make it worse. Listen first, and if the other person seems ready to listen, then speak." Mostly, in my family, I'm going to need to do a lot of listening, and not speaking. It's really okay, I've argued enough that I've caused a lot of discord and really stressed everybody out.

Actually, that's what my mom was trying to explain, so far as I can tell, this is what she meant:
Cara, you are using your "sense of independence" against me illogically. You aren't acting like part of the family (though she didn't put it this way, this is how I understand it), you're acting like a rude house border who thinks she's got rights in areas that she completely doesn't. Your family and the people in charge of it are to be respected more than anyone else you know, and you're treating us like you're not even related to us. It's no wonder that we suggest you don't live here anymore, you don't seem to want to be part of the atmosphere anyway.

I've been hurting my mother's sense of command, too, and treating her rudely (rudely, as in, out of place, as if she doesn't have a right to tell me what to do, and it's belittling to her) and it's really caused serious damage to our relationship. I had been thinking that everything was going to be okay, but really, I need to change how I'm acting, take responsibility for my actions that relate to the way I treat my family, and accept my position as a daughter, who helps out when she's needed but accepts commands from mother and father. (Good for self-control, self-learning, introversion improvement.)

Giving Advice to Teddy

My little brother, who I'm worried about not having good diligence (studying and chores, sometimes) isn't going to change by me telling him what to do. If I do say anything, he doesn't believe me because I'm a bad example (REALLY) and it's also a bad thing because he doesn't feel like he has a lot of control over the things he actually does have control over. So I can't try to take control for him and expect that to be effective. I also can't try and change the way my mom raises him. The only thing I can do is be an example and listen to how he feels when we're around each other. No more giving unwanted advice from me, only action and responsibility for MYSELF will be taken!

Teddy-Arguments: telling me what to do, and then the pointless ones.

My brother likes to tell me what to do (like my parents actually have a right to, but he doesn't). He likes to be in control, and sometimes he makes requests that I haven't considered his territory, but mine. But maybe I'm holding on to my pride too much. What a waste of time! It's causing so much dispute in my family. I can't fix everything wrong that goes on in my family, but I can do MY part. I have to stop arguing with everybody. I don't need to take part in that anymore. We CAN find another way to communicate-- one that feels better.


Sometimes Teddy does this arguing-for-fun thing-- he'll tease, then actually say something accusatory for no reason at all. It goes like this.


Cara: Yum, toast.
Teddy: what are you LOOKING AT???!

That's the point where I could decide not to answer. It takes a lot of self control! Haha :) I'm used to answering his questions. We get in to silly debates (also slapping wars, wrestling matches, and chasing-ea.-other-around-house-yelling-or-sneaking-around-trying-2-scare-ea.-other-games). These silly debates sound like this:


Cara: so I learned today that "damn it" in Japanese is NOT ChikuSA, but ChikuSHO. You were wrong!
Teddy: YOU are absolutely WRONG. You can NEVER be right. Baka.

Cara: Well, I looked it up on Google translator. And I've watched way more anime than you.

Teddy: Well, how do you know that? How do you KNOW you've watched more anime than me?

Cara: Umm... well, you don't literally have enough time to watch as much as me. Because you go to school all day, practice two hours of violin, and you also play hours and hours of Xbox. Where would you have time? I never see you watching.

Teddy: How do you KNOW? You know NOTHING.

Cara: uhhhh---

Let me think, what should I do? As you can see, I have bad arguing tactics, and I don't speak the single strongest statement, but try to win by saying tons of things, which he uses against me. If I do actually make a statement that would help me win, Teddy says something irrational and nonsensical.

But even more, our arguments don't really have a point, and it doesn't matter who wins. They also are very annoying and loud for the other people living in our house. We're totally immature... but besides that, they would stop if I just didn't answer him. I've gotten used to doing that a little but, but sometimes I do argue. So I'm going to work on not answering when I see it is a pointless argument or one that Teddy won't be using real logic.

Real Implements to Make :)

1. For everyone in general, including my own benefit: Listen before you speak. Speak only if people really want to hear what you say. Basically, don't plan on saying anything. Just listen!

2. For Mom: have more respect for the people who are in charge. Make peace and harmony a priority. I'm to be like a submissive person, who lets other people tell me what to do most of the time, and only gives input when asked or when necessary.

3. For Teddy: listen, take action for myself and what I'm responsible for, and don't give unwanted advice.

4. Also: don't answer Teddy's illogical-ness. We can find something else fun to do besides arguing. Getting out of the habit completely is better; don't pretend that it's okay when no one is around to get annoyed. It's annoying to me, too. I don't have to participate. So don't answer at those times.

5. For me: respect myself, for myself. When I want to succeed at something (like losing weight, doing homework, practicing piano, WHATEVER--) I need STOP wondering what others think about me, and look through my OWN eyes and ask myself why I'm doing it and what I think and feel.

Things To Make Myself Do

I've decided I want more self control. But self-control comes from just doing stuff. And practice in doing things for a long time, and not getting distracted by something else... simply because you don't let yourself get distracted.

So! Here's a list of things I will be doing every day, with the goal of "not getting distracted" in order to build up my brain, filled up with self-control! YEAH!

THEORY: five pages.
1. piano, 1-1.5-5 hour.
2. japanese, 5-30 things
3. work or jobsearch, 3-20
4. Bible, 1-6 ch.

Revelation Review... Deja vu again!

I get really inspired when I haven't slept. Like, I can think - STRAIGHT - and it feels really good. It's like the entire day is weighing on me, and I can handle all of it, because I feel calm and ready to forget about it any second... like I don't care because as long as I get to go to sleep for sure, I can make it. But so often at ten pm at night, I think, I don't want to go to bed. But there isn't a solution to this problem besides just making yourself go to sleep. I just never want to until morning. Isn't that silly? It's just my messed up schedule, I think. I'll bet not very many people have this problem! Because I could control and fix it if I really wanted to. I think I'm just being selfish.

Anyway, I wrote down some good stuff in my Daynotes on my PC and I wanted to put it in here in case I lost it. It's really good. I want to follow these things and actually change these habits. I emphasize "actually" because often I make lists, but if I don't really put my whole heart into them while I'm writing it, AND if I don't go back and re-read it, I don't end up changing that habit. I've changed a few of my habits with list writing, so I won't give up yet. So here's the most important thing: I have to go back and re-read this list, so I have it on a shortcut on my desktop. We'll see! Read it, it's good, though it may not apply to you. :) Really, if you don't have "self-control" problems, you can't relate to me in this way, but if some of this applies to you, you should think about it because these changes can be good. But.. haha... what do I know?!

" because I can't keep perspective, and I can't depend (or won't let myself depend) on other people to help me fix my perspective, I have to FIND a way to do it myself. REMEMBER: feelings are AWESOME, but they don't dictate logic. Watch out, feelings are also very foolish. That's what I mean about maintaining perspective. I let my feelings wash me away like a river, and sometimes I realize too late that I should have walked upstream to swim down an entirely different river. Here's a possible plan:

have rules for myself that I KNOW, if I break them, I will probably lose control.

SCHEDULE STUFF - wholeheart to change
1. watch anime as much as I want, but get other things done first, that are on this list. In order to do that, I need to have a list that I write down what I have to get done each day.

2. Get the major things I need to get done, each day, first. That includes work, chores, meals, study, and spiritual communication hahaha, no really. COMMUNICATING WITH _GOD_.

If I write a list for each day, it will keep my tasks in perspective so I don't put it off till later and never get it done. I have to push myself in order to be successful, because I am foolish and I forget that my life now is just a dying thing.

3. Get the things on this list done BEFORE breaks, including everything. I have to learn how to survive a day, because once I get distracted, it's hard to pull back and I'm capable of holding out longer. When I  need a rest, take a PEACE break (some other way than with entertainment) then MOVE ON and get more done. I can be MORE efficient this way. Use imagination to keep myself happy and moving, as if someone else is pushing me, when really, it's just me!

4. When I do allow myself to watch anime, I have to keep a watch of the time, no matter what my excuse is for not being aware of it, it is TOO possible. So I need to be aware of all my scheduled important things, and stop my relaxation and remember that life is just as fun, but sometimes I forget because it's not ideal in the same way, so I need to grow a better imagination. Don't force myself, have FUN. Also, get ABSORBED in each task, one task! I only need imagination to START with, then I can let my feelings taking me away.

RULES-TO-NOT-BREAK STUFF - simple things to keep
1. when I eat, it should be something that mostly involves hands-on preparation and gathering, not microwaving, and preferably less packaging. At least 50% of all content should be something I cook or cut.

2. when I eat, I should study - READING - or nothing. only snacks and drinks are for TV and entertainment, and I should get used to doing less of that, too. keep a book upstairs that I read with food, and a book downstairs that I'm studying, too. That way I can study multiple things at once, like I always want, and I won't forget where I leave my books.

3. exercise daily. this is a variable thing in that it can be done in a lot of ways, so just do one of them, and make sure to get tired and loosened up. evening is better, and try to go to bed right after, but if not, make sure to calm down and have eaten before bedtime.

4. keep a bedtime, and stick to it with lights out and everything. Use calming methods and anticipate when they will be needed instead of realizing three hours later that I should have taken a sleeping pill or listened to music.

5. instead of watching two hours of anime, watch less and study japanese first. I just have to make myself do it, because if I don't do it daily I'll never learn all the kanji.

day looks like this, with details and check-mark signs beside...

(homework)(take time to be beautiful)(prayer)

class

work

chores

study

japanese

exercise

bedtime - pick one!
[T1]read this list and update. D-A-I-L-Y, PM esp. I get to order ピーチガール in 175!!!!!!! fourteen days later..."

Mom and Dad's advice

I'm always worrying about how my parents want to help me too much. But I need to look at it from a different angle! Even though they give me advice, they understand that I don't have to do what they're advising me-- they just want to say the right things to me that allow me to make my own decisions and keep from putting pressure on me. I don't have to worry and make it all complicated-- they love me and want me to be happy-- so it's actually pretty simple.

And it certainly wouldn't hurt for me to allow them to help me once in a while. If I never depend on anyone, it means that I have to do everything myself, and that makes everything so much harder that it all might be too much, eventually.

I'm going to counseling today and I thought I should write down some of what I might should talk about in the session. Mom and me were talking about this contract that we're making-- it's to get me to think of things with a bit of a deadline, because I haven't yet obtained a newer/better job. I need one, because I'm not using my time wisely and making money for school, which was supposed to be the point of taking time off from it.

At first, I thought I needed some time off, even if it was a lot, and that it was good for me. But now I guess I'm realizing that I've come to the point where that's not necessary anymore, and if I say it is, then I'm being too easy on myself. "Time off" for several months is too much-- it's not like somebody died. Anyway, it's not going to help me lose weight or do any other things that will help me gain confidence. Confidence comes from trying AGAIN and aiming to be successful, not from resting. Haha!

I'm writing this because while Mom and I were talking about the contract, she happened to show me an email from my counselor to her (now I realize I should have said earlier, "Hey that's private, I'm not going to read that" but it didn't matter because I learned something good. It was obvious, but good.

My counselor wrote something like, "Sara's biggest problem is that she procrastinates." And then something else about me having "since June 22 to obtain full-time employment" and "...six months".

Well, it's true. That's a long time. I'm being silly. Time to fix things! I feel stupid! Urrrrg. :...[

So it's true, though. It's not like I didn't know I procrastinate, but I just... don't accept it as reality and deal with it like it's reality. I want to fix this way that I think, because it's somewhat dysfunctional. I would like to apologize for being weird, but then I remember that everybody has weirdness and I just happen to be writing about and trying to fix my weirdness, and that's nothing but good.

I'm going to try and go about it the right way. Here are my goals that I've re-done, coming from a perspective that these are my daily activities, which I should do often, all the time, and A LOT!

Things I do.

work (accompany wkends, CNA wkdays)

homework (1-2 classes)

clean house productively, sparklingly.

exercise (dance, regular, run) a lot

[studies: as needed and as possible] - Japanese and Spanish.

PLUS: Bible, Piano. (DAILY as possible)

So, like, kind of my goals to pursue and become used to incorporating into my life. Like, if I'm bored or don't know what to do next, I should be doing these things instead, or I go do them.

Important things to change my habits about: learn self control, to do the things that I don't always want to do, and stop procrastinating.

I'm going to write this down and take it when I go in to counseling!

Self Control for Me! Plus a lot of quotes.

Flabbergasted, adj.  Appalled over how much weight you have gained.  ~Author Unknown
I have terrible self control problems. I don't deny myself anything, really. That can be good, but since I don't know what's good and what's not good for me, I don't always WANT the right things, so I go back and forth. Always-- back and forth between healthy and junk food, anime-binging and studying, exercising and laying around, staying up and going to bed-- it's making me such a mess. If I could just get myself in control a little better, all these problems would be so much smaller.

I found something on the internet that talks about getting self-control fixed up. I'm modifying it for myself and making a list.

1. What areas in my life are suffering and which are prospering? Do I push myself to try too hard without taking breaks for real? The whole time I take a break, I feel guilty? It's time to start sacrificing: work before play this time, and try mainly taking short breaks in evenings and longer breaks on weekends, or at least more in the evenings, so that I can be more accomplished and have sort-of guidelines about when I relax -- work before play.

2. Take time to get informed about the areas I don't have control over. For me, those are 1) connection to God, 2) studies, practice, and learning diligence, 3) exercise, 4) diet, and 5) listening to and communication with others. Not only should I be working on these things, but I should learn HOW to do better in these areas. It's no wonder I become daunted by gaining control over these goals-- they're too high when I don't know how to approach them.

ooookay, now the article is going on about denying myself things. Puh-leeeeze. I KNOW that. That's what self-control is. I don't know how to GET SELF CONTROL. Therefore I don't know HOW to deny myself things. That is THE PROBLEM. Aaaarrrg. Okay, there are some tips...

When it says self denial, it means that-- as a HABIT-- you have to make yourself into a person who... kind of... doesn't need stuff. You give things away, and make yourself do things you don't want to. As a habit. Like... all the time.

4. Become simple-- don't ask for things, give things away, don't buy things you don't need-- REALLY. Don't see this as "denial" but living necessarily. I don't have enough money for everything I want, anyway. I don't want to be the sort of person who denies herself things. I want to be the sort of person who doesn't want them in the first place. I could get used to that. But first, I have to actually deny myself stuff, until it's habit.

I thought of doing that, a while ago, but I gave it up as a rock-solid idea. It might really help me, though, and not just in the financial department. It is pretty selfish, though, in the ultimate sense, because I'm doing it for myself. :) I really don't like the idea right now.... I hate it....

5. Deliberately challenge myself with the things I'm addicted to. TV: turn on the TV for two hours and star at something in the room for two hours. Food: get a yummy piece of food on a plate and leave it there but don't eat it, drink water instead.

hmmm. I'm not sure that will work. The TV one is one of the tips. It would be okay. But with food? Denying myself food has always made me get fatter in the end. I don't know what to do....

Quotes I like that will help me: (from The Quote Garden - specifically "about dieting" and "Self Control")

Self-respect is the root of discipline:  The sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself.  ~Abraham Joshua Heschel, The Insecurity of Freedom: Essays on Human Existence, 1967


Not being able to govern events, I govern myself, and apply myself to them, if they will not apply themselves to me.  ~Michel de Montaigne, Essays, 1588


You must admit you have self-control before you can use it.  ~Carrie Latet


Do you really think it is weakness that yields to temptation?  I tell you that there are terrible temptations which it requires strength, strength and courage to yield to.  ~Oscar Wilde


It's all right letting yourself go, as long as you can get yourself back.  ~Mick Jagger 


A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means.  This is an obvious lie.  Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is....  A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later.  That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness.  They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in.  ~C.S. Lewis


The one way to get thin is to re-establish a purpose in life.  ~Cyril Connolly, The Unquiet Grave  


The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.  ~Author Unknown


If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution.  ~Author Unknown


Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.  ~Author Unknown


No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat.  Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office.  ~George Bernard Shaw


I have gained and lost the same ten pounds so many times over and over again my cellulite must have déjà vu.  ~Jane Wagner


I think I just ate my willpower.  ~Author Unknown


If you really want to be depressed, weigh yourself in grams.  ~Jason Love  


I have a great diet.  You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.  ~Ed Bluestone


History is apt to judge harshly those who sacrifice tomorrow for today.  ~Harold MacMillan


The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.  ~Dave Barry


If you have formed the habit of checking on every new diet that comes along, you will find that, mercifully, they all blur together, leaving you with only one definite piece of information:  french-fried potatoes are out.  ~Jean Kerr


If you wish to grow thinner, diminish your dinner.  ~H.S. Leigh


Probably nothing in the world arouses more false hopes than the first four hours of a diet.  ~Dan Bennett


Don't go out of your weigh to please anyone but yourself.  ~Author Unknown


Movement is a medicine for creating change in a person's physical, emotional, and mental states.  ~Carol Welch


I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.  ~Marsha Doble


Much good work is lost for the lack of a little more.  ~Edward H. Harriman


The one thing that matters is the effort.  It continues, whereas the end to be attained is but an illusion of the climber, as he fares on and on from crest to crest; and once the goal is reached it has no meaning.  ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Wisdom of the Sands, translated from French by Stuart Gilbert


I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it.  ~Thomas Jefferson


Character is what emerges from all the little things you were too busy to do yesterday, but did anyway.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966


I've got a theory that if you give 100 percent all of the time, somehow things will work out in the end.  ~Larry Bird 


No one understands that you have given everything.  You must give more.  ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin


He who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance; one cannot fly into flying.  ~Friedrich Nietzsche

When I was young, I observed that nine out of ten things I did were failures.  So I did ten times more work.  ~George Bernard Shaw


There's nothing like biting off more than you can chew, and then chewing anyway.  ~Mark Burnett 


Though the barriers of life seem formidable, we find when we challenge them that they have no will.  ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com

One saves oneself much pain, by taking pains; much trouble, by taking trouble.  ~Augustus William Hare and Julius Charles Hare, Guesses at Truth, by Two Brothers, 1827
 
The winds and waves are always on the side of the ablest navigators.  ~Edward Gibbon, The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire

Most of us can easily do two things at once; what's all but impossible is to do one thing at once.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

If a man is called a streetsweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry.  He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and Earth will pause to say, Here lived a great streetsweeper who did his job well.  ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

For us, there is only the trying.  The rest is not our business.  ~T.S. Eliot

There are no easy methods of learning difficult things; the method is to close your door, give out that you are not at home, and work.  ~Joseph de Maistre

Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still.  ~Chinese Proverb

To go beyond is as wrong as to fall short.  ~Confucius, Analects

Don't be afraid to give your best to what seemingly are small jobs.  Every time you conquer one it makes you that much stronger.  If you do the little jobs well, the big ones will tend to take care of themselves.  ~Dale Carnegie

Nobody trips over mountains.  It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble.  Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have crossed the mountain.  ~Author Unknown


Put your heart, mind, intellect and soul even to your smallest acts.  This is the secret of success.  ~Swami Sivananda

When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.  ~Franklin D. Roosevelt

Fall seven times, stand up eight.  ~Japanese Proverb

If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again.  ~Flavia Weedn, Flavia and the Dream Maker, © Flavia.com

The race is not always to the swift, but to those who keep on running.  ~Author unknown, in reference to Ecclesiastes 9:11, "I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all."

It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer.  ~Albert Einstein

People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are.  I don't believe in circumstances.  The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them.  ~G.B. Shaw, Mrs. Warren's Profession, 1893

There is no telling how many miles you will have to run while chasing a dream.  ~Author Unknown


Don't be discouraged.  It's often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock.  ~Author Unknown

The great majority of men are bundles of beginnings.  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

One may go a long way after one is tired.  ~French Proverb

Vitality shows in not only the ability to persist but the ability to start over.  ~F. Scott Fitzgerald


As a means to success, determination has this advantage over talent - that it does not have to be recognized by others.  ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com 


When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum.  ~Author Unknown


Difficult things take a long time, impossible things a little longer.  ~André A. Jackson


Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it.  The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use.  ~Earl Nightingale 


Oh, that's such a wonderful site. Yay,  The Quote Garden !

Inspiration! *written at work*

When I get home...

*work towards my goals by doing activities daily - ones that I've planned in anticipation that they are actulaly accomplishable. (i.e. not to much planning so far that I can't actually get it all done)

* these probably should be:
 brush and floss
X - exercising
D - cooking meals
B - scheduling, blogging, and Bibling haha
C - complexion - care after workouts (mask, steam) & during <3
water
veggies - colorful - esp. green
x
don't touch
*P - iano (if time)

and most importantly, WORKING and JOBSEARCHING

looks like this:
| toothbrush drawing | X | D | B | C | *P | working/jobsearch |

cool right? yeah right. Well, I'm still going to try it, no matter how many times I have to!

While Playing DDR I Wrote This....

When I have an ultimate goal of something, especially based on other people) I do much better, often accomplishing that goal, because I know I "have" to. Thinking "I HAVE TO" is only a good phrase if you come up with a REASON, not just "I have to". So make reasons for have-to's. I don't do this withfree-schedules, but I could, if I made a better goal. If I don't reach it, it needed to be more reachable, since I'm capable of anything. (Unless something else major is going on that's stopping me.)

Make rules (like list-making or scheduling) in ORDER to break them. Rules create the structure so you know WHERE the weakest parts are-- so you can fix those weak areas-- and use efficiency to proceed with tasks and reach the best efficiency balanced with happiness and peace in life.