On Track

It's coming to the end of the quarter here at school and I have not failed anything. But... I should be LESS excited about THAT, and more excited that I am going to get grades above a C!

[In two classes.]

That is very good for me. I am going at it step by step this time, and...

 ...whenever I feel like saying, "ooh-- now THAT looks like a challenge! Meh! I can do it. Sign me up--"...

I don't!

Because even if you're brave, and strong, and if you liken it to video game terms you've got a HUGE HP, well, pooh tooh ee. Nobody is invincible-- at least, I am from the normal world and am pretty much talking to normal people (....haha, uh, right?...) Don't be irrational about the stuff you take on. There have been times that I do that.

And it's not like I went at such a task with lots of motivation and energy-- or if I did, I didn't keep it up-- no. I went, "YES, I CAN!" and then did nothing.

So, yes. Small steps are the way to go, for me, right now.

My counselor brought up a fascinating word to me yesterday-- a very relevant word to how things sometimes go for me. Or I should say, the way I end up making my decisions.

(The way I say that hints at the apathy I have towards making decisions and taking action-- I word it like it's not under my control, and sometimes it legitimately does feel like I can't control my self.)

The word is A.... just a second.

Avolition. Okay. So Volition is like, of your own will. You do it because it springs from your chest and you choose to follow that, whatever it be, an action, choice, or feeling, I suppose.

Darn it, that's not a word. Um, I guess I mean "abolition". I feel that it should be the same as what I just defined it as, but it could be wishful thinking, so, just a second again, I will go check. Whoa. Also totally wrong. Abolition's like, totally abolishing something. Doing away with it. It's not even a feeling. SIGH~

'Kay, I had it right the first time. Sorry. It means, literally, "poverty of will", and not only can be a symptom of depression (I knew that) but can be also symptomatic of schizophrenia. (I did not *freaks out* know that.) And there's another one, abulia, poverty of motivation.

So the first one (avolition) is where you can't wish or have a desire to rise up and do something (you end up doing nothing, just sitting for a while) and the second one (abulia) is where there is some reason that you aren't motivated or pushed by anything-- you aren't drawn forward into the future, and being successful-- you have no reason for things. I have trouble differenciating the two, but it sounds like abulia is more external, stuff you can't control. It also affects the ability to make decisions and set goals.

*I just remembered-- I reaaally hope my internet works. Argh. It was down last night.*

*I am addicted to PAD / puzzle and dragons, American version, as well as anime, particularly One Piece (ep. 208) right now, but I entertain myself with many different animes, like Parasyte, and I just watched Golden Time, and I also think Yona of the Dawn is fantastic and well done! Ah, this list could go on for a while.*

Ahhh!! Also, my Dad got hit by a car today! (I know I'm getting distracted from the topic, but... but...) He is okay, just fine, really, but still, he did get hit, and bruised, I'm sure (they live a couple thousand miles from me) and his watch broke, too! (How did that happen? Maybe his arm flung one way or the other.)

I'm going back to my mom's text to check on the details....

ARGH! The driver left the scene. Also, he has a black eye! My poor daddy! And we're talking about an old fogie, here, he's like, sixty now. Or fifty-nine. Lemme look that up, too.

Haha. Just kidding, and sorry, Daddy. I do believe he's 57.

ANNNYYYway. Back to what I was saying about avolition and abulia-- those are things I do sometimes! I'm learning ways to get around them, though, because they are caused by something very specific, so the more I can identify how I feel, when I feel it, and what caused it, then I can backtrack and take my mind back around to the place before I felt lifeless and actionless, goal-less and decisionless.

Here's my situation, for an example of what this is like.

I get assigned homework. This is normal, I know.

And people all over the world know how to deal with this phenomena-- do the homework. Get it done. Sometime, get it done. (Although many of us procrastinate, that's also normal.)

But, like, this feeling I have, sometimes, is waaay too extreme for procrastination. I'm telling you, okay, I've been to college for three years and I couldn't finish there-- had to LEAVE-- because my grades were just not okay. They were F's. F's, and B's, and A's, and D's. It was a big mix of "I can do this" and "I am totally going to die academically" and "I will just get everything done in these last two weeks"

And... it didn't work. (also an example of trying to take on challenges that were too big.)

But that kind of procrastination-- not going to class, sleeping instead, watching anime instead, doing nothing instead, promising myself over and over that I would change and renew and fix it, and breaking my promise regularly-- that kind of procrastination is no longer measurable on the procrastination scale-- it has metamorphosed into avolition.

So back on track-- homework is assigned.

But why am I going to school? See, I am not a lazy person. My actions look lazy, but it's entirely different. I clean house with a vigor and a polishing rag like a person who is germaphobic. I organize books and papers with tabs and color-coding. I love to write, and type fast, and practice hours and hours of piano at a time. I go the extra mile for other people, and I run home instead of walking just because I want to get there faster.

No, I am very motivated.........

.. Sometimes.

I am in SCHOOL because I WANT to beCOME somebody.

I change my mind every once in a while, but I've come to the conclusion that I need to find something I ENJOY and become AMaZiNg at it.

This has really never changed about me. So why did I stop going to class? Why was I hiding, and avoiding, and sitting stagnantly in the midst of a rushing river of academia, just swirling around me, ready to take me somewhere wonderful?

I guess it was avolition. I mean, that's a way to label it. But what caused it?

Here it is-- I've seriously got this figured out. For myself, at least. Maybe not for you. :-\

1. You don't have to do all of it at once. In fact, you can lie, or tell the truth, but say this! to yourself: "Don't do it all right now. Just do a little bit-- right now. But---do NOT do all of it."

    (Reason for this strategy: I have trouble starting. The energy required to start may be small, but I can see the whole process, all at once, and I know how much work that means-- or at least, my pessimistic view of how much work it will be, scares me. It scares me so much, I pretend it doesn't exist, and get surprised every time I remember. Not to mention a stomach ache.)

2. In order to not procrastinate, do things right when you think of them, or when the need arises.
for example, fold laundry upon taking it out of the dryer. Just do it. (Nike). If you don't, it's not the end of the world, but it will be the end of your folded laundry. Hold yourself accountable and just do it-- you have to do it sometime.

    2a. In another example, do homework after class, if you have a free period. That one you may have heard from teachers. Well, I don't know if these things work for everybody, because I am unique, and my mind works in an Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) kind of way, so that makes me on a different track that you may or may not be on.

Anyway, I have run out of time to keep typing, and I feel like I said something I wanted to say, so, thank you for reading.

You are fantastic, and you need to believe in yourself and give your inner self a hug, and remember that you haven't gotten to the future, yet. So don't write anything off.

Just do your best-- and remember you will never know what your best is, because it can always get better!

Epiphanies All Day!

Today, ALL OF A SUDDEN, when I was talking to my mom... I realized some things. And I became suddenly motivated, like, I don't know why!

I cleaned house after two o'clock, like A LOT. Lately I have not been able to clean for more than thirty minutes at a time. I just get tired, distracted, bored, or depressed about the fact that I'm about to quit, and then I quit. Which of course sounds silly to you, I'm supposing, but really, these feelings are very real. I've just lost my motivation so much!

I woke up at 8:45 this morning, which was certainly a helpful part of all this.

But I did fight with my mom today. It was avoidable, but somehow I didn't make it.

But I'm seeing a counselor AGAIN. It really is good, though, and I'm happy about the development, as embarrassed as I am to need counseling. But I accept it! It will really help me, so it is a good thing.

1. I have to start spending more time with my family. Invite them places (movies for my mom, paint-balling for my little brother, things like that) participate in activities that they enjoy (play video-games with my brother instead of complaining that he's boring or should do something else), and spend more time around the house instead of my room. When I am around my family, I should avoid wearing headphones. I can work on cleaning house more, and decorating for holidays, then playing music and having snacks out while I'm decorating so that it's fun and people want to join me. I say this because I think my mom, brother, and I are becoming more and more drawn to video and computer games and television in our own rooms-- secluded-- and so our relationships are falling apart because we don't have anything to base them on. (My dad's always at work 'till late at night, and he can't do anything about that.)

2. I want to listen and watch more carefully for other people's emotions. Pay attention to how they're feeling and speak (or don't) according to that. Don't take things personally, either. Be "professional" like I am at work, but at the same time, DO share my own feelings when other people want to listen. Remember there are boundaries! I can't try and tell other people how they need to be, because they'll understand better if they figure out things for themselves.

3. Find a job, pick some studies/activities (praying, japanese, spanish, working out, practicing piano) to actually focus on daily, start going to church, and go to bed early so that I can get up early. CHOOSE to do these things.

Random Daily Entry!

You know how people talk about "creative outlet"s? Well, TV is not a creative outlet. It's a creative INLET. Which means you're being lazy.

I love TV. I don't want to be lazy. But I am. Urrrg.

This is a really random post.

Anyway, here are my "goal-activities" I want to keep thinking about. Also below that I'll type my... "life-points".

1) Pray 
2) Beauty
3) FAT loss 
4) Bible 
5) Music 
6) Language

1. Pray. Talk to God about stuff, never shut him out, and when I do, tell him I'm sorry. Ask if I'm doing wrong things. Talk to him in the morning and at night, and during the day. Most of all, remember he has a PLAN for my life and I'm being silly by worrying about all this career-picking, as if it's solely my responsibility!!!

2. Beauty: I need to start taking care of myself, and considering "looks" important, instead of telling myself they're not. If I do that, I'm denying how I feel. I DO think looks are important. This probably sounds dumb to other people, but I grew up thinking it was really really "bad" to be "vain"... and looking at yourself in the mirror, and taking to long to make yourself pretty, and all that. For some reason, it's important to me-- a LOT. So I'm going to make it my number 2 goal :) Like, when I WALK OUT OF MY ROOM I should be happy with how I look, or even, ALL the time.

3) FAT loss: well, what it sounds like. I'm trying to be more negative-- or... TRUTH-TELLING-- about it in order to take it seriously. :) TAKE IT SERIOUSLY!!! Eat healthier, listen to my stomach, and exercise!

4) Bible: studies! Read SOMETHING each day.

5) Music: more studies. Enjoy it! This includes piano practice and theory, both. Dividing them is dumb, they're one and the same. Practice and study theory!

6) Language: my third study thing. Have fun!! This includes Japanese (now) and Spanish, which I haven't started yet, but need to finish before Japanese. Five characters and Spanish verbs!


Lifepoints!
A. Other people. Always care about other people's feelings more than mine. If I do that wholly, then my feelings will BE theirs, and I WILL be happy. Other people are what my life is about-- but that's just my opinion. :) If I don't do this, I am normally very selfish. So it won't hurt a thing.

B. Me. Draw a line for MY boundary and the location of other people's boundaries. Before I care for others, I have to take care of myself to some extent or I'll be on the street after giving my belongings to the poor. That doesn't do any good for myself OR others. You get what I mean, right?

So even though other people's feelings come first, in the most basic way I do have to care for myself first, or I won't be able to be there for others in the way that really is necessary. I want to be someone with family and friends who can depend on me, and vice versa. I'm now on my way to become that person, but I'll probably not ever be perfect, so I shouldn't stand around "waiting" for something. I have to GO for it, and enjoy the moment, as well as the thought of the future.

ONE MORE THING! I'm not trying hard enough. I'm not going through any pain in my life-- and even though this sucks-- it's true that through suffering and hardship you will get good things. I need to study in order to be happy in my life, with a career (and a way to support myself). I've been saying I need to create a schedule. And I have done that, but I don't take it very seriously, and when I don't get it done, I don't worry about it. NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!! I have to make this HARD on myself and get PASSIONATE when I don't do well. I'm the type of person who is really GOOD at beating herself up. x_x  So why don't I take advantage of that? Because I listen to all those people who say, "Take it easy!" or "Don't be so hard on yourself!" Well, I'm not listening to them anymore. When I do those things, that's when I fail. I am a natural PERFECTIONIST and a WINNER, not someone who forgives herself for a failure that didn't need to happen! I'm going to try harder now.

Well... there was some rambling for you! I will be re-reading this later, though, because it's coming from my heart. I really want to change these things.

New Excitement!

I'm really excited. I think I believe I can do this now. :) (Did that sound sure at all? :)

I've been so worried about making enough money in my career, that I haven't considered picking what I WANT to do. I need to stop thinking that way! I won't be rich, and that's OKAY. I'll learn how to find clothes that are nice without spending tons of money, and I don't need to live in an city with high living-costs or have a fancy apartment. I'll go to colleges that are less costly and I'll work my butt off for scholarships, grants, and good grades. I'll get low-interest loans only. I won't buy things I don't need, I'll do my own pedicures and spa treatments, and I'll exercise outsides instead of paying for a club membership. I'll save money carefully for a used car that runs well, but I'll use a bike to go places close-by. I won't color my hair and I'll be stingy with cosmetics and shampoo. I'll buy cheaper fruits, eat oatmeal for breakfast, make my own wheat bread, munch on rice, and drink filtered water instead of buying soda, juice, or coffee.

I'm going to play the piano to my heart's content, explore new languages, revel in knowledge I get from school, take pride in my work ethic, read the Bible for devotions, and learn to sing and dance with confidence and peace in my heart.

Sudden Idea!!

I just realized something really important. (Imagine a giant flashing lightbulb here.)

See, I have bad habits sometimes, and I just figured out one of them that's affecting me NEGATIVELY, in a way I didn't realize!

I eat before I go to bed, a lot. Not only is that bad for my teeth and my weight loss attempts, but it makes me less hungry in the morning. It's no wonder it's harder for me to get up in the morning! Not that other people are starving in the morning when they wake up and that's the only reason they get out of bed-- but this, at least, would really help me to wake up a LOT better!

More than anything, I wake up for food. Like... ALWAYS. If NOTHING else gets me up, my desire to eat something breakfast-like or any-meal-like will get me up. Sometimes, I even wake up in the middle of my sleeping time, eat while half-awake, then go back to sleep.

I'm going to stop eating late at night, like, really seriously. It's a bad habit for a lot of other reasons, too, so this is pretty great. Probably about two hours before bed, I'll not eat, unless I'm über hungry. Yay weightloss and waking up before seven AM!

Priorities Re-organize! Final??...

Today, I got up late in the afternoon, and I didn't really know what to do next. THAT is why I've been so intent on cementing "priorities" into my head-- because I don't really have any. I don't feel strongly pulled to complete some sort of goal-- it's hard to have goals when you haven't finished school, but you're not IN school, either.

I'm lost with WHAT to do when I'm not directed... so I have to direct myself, and develop a regular routine of activities!

I need to do things because I HAVE to, as part of that routine. I'm going to start every day less like a to-do list from now on, and more like a routine. That's my problem-- I never develop a routine so that everything I do in the morning is some ridiulously difficult life-decision. Instead, I just have to LIVE!

If I DO want to make lists to remind myself of things, I have to take it seriously and come back to it the next day, EVEN WHEN I DON'T WANT TO.

If I want to spend my time studying, then that's what my life will be filled with-- studying-- not "accomplishments". I can't think of them as accomplishments-- or finished tasks-- but as my regular routine. "Accomplishing" is more limited because when you finish one task, you still need to do it again the next day. I'm obviously thinking about it in the wrong way. Until I learn how to be consistent with things, I can't look at tasks like a game anymore, because it's never-ending-- there ISN'T a finish line yet.

I made a better priorities list-- it's basically the same, except a little bit rearranged.

1. pray
2. work
3. beauty
4. fatloss
5.|| 
6. BIBLE
7. PIANO
8. THEORY
9. JAPANESE

(CAPITALIZED=studies
lowercase=regular
|| is "pause")

This order works a lot better.  It's time to take them more seriously, make a routine out of them, and do it even when I don't want to.

Finishing Tasks and Not Quitting Before You Do!

Sometimes-- well, often-- I quit what I've started... I don't finish. I don't like it when I do that, but lately I'm not very good at continuing with a task, at all. I know why, though! I figured it out! When I'm in the middle of a task-- say, practicing piano-- I just need to think, "I'll be done soon" or "eventually" or "at five-o-clock."

I just need to focus on the end-- on finishing! It's like, the ultimate acceptance of reality-- that thing I'm not so good at-- where you have to admit that there comes a time when you needed to have that task finished. But if you just think, "I'll be done by...(insert time here)..." then you'll be able to do it!

Sara's Get Confidence in Life Plan!

Sara's Get Confidence in Life Plan:

-- TAKE IT SLOWLY.

code!
B - Bible
W - Work
F - Fatloss
b|| - beauty/pause
P - Piano
T - Theory
J -  Japanese


now, daily (6 days/wk):
1/2 hr B 
W
Find another job
F
b||
1/2 hr P
1/2 hr T
1/2 hr J
SLEEP EVERY NIGHT
--all 6 days a week.


Autumn qtr (sept-dec),  daily (6 days/wk): 
1/2 hr B 
W
F
b||
1 hr P
1/2 hr T
1/2 hr J
SLEEP EVERY NIGHT
--all 6 days a week.

Winter qtr (jan-march),  daily (6 days/wk):
1/2 hr B 
W
F
b||
Finish all Theory Homework, class 3 days a week
1/2 hr P
1/2 hr J
SLEEP EVERY NIGHT
--all 6 days a week.


Spring qtr (april-june),  daily (6 days/wk):
1/2 hr B 
W
F
b||
Finish all Theory Homework, class 3 days a week, B4 other studies.
1 hr P
1 hr J
SLEEP EVERY NIGHT
--all 6 days a week.

Summer: work FULL time, 4+ish hours of piano, 1 hour of workout, OR more classes if possible.

2nd year: all classes, plus work, no independent studies-- all for CREDIT.
theoryII, piano lessons, language, other

3rd year: all classes, plus work, no independent studies-- all for CREDIT.
theory III, music history, piano lessons, language

4th year: all classes
all other music, language, piano lessons

Time to Run!

I've decided to be really strict with myself, once and for all. I have one of those planners that obsessive people carry around, so now I'm going to use it to be obsessive about the way I spend time. I mean, I'm not naturally good with time, so I'm going to use my planner to actually DO the opposite: be efficient.

It's really simple. When I think of something I need to do, I write it down in my planner. Eventually I'll won't have to scribble and erase because I'll get used to the routine (and maybe won't even need the planner anymore). If I don't have my planner available, I can write it down on my "daynotes" computer file, on a piece of paper, or on my mirror. Mirror stuff should usually be specifically goal-related (BWFbPTJ) but if I have a random inspiration, I'll write on the mirror anyway.

I'll keep "appointments" and "to do items" separate, so that I make it to those essential activities (work, appointments, and meetings) right on time. Other "to-do" items are to be finished ASAP.  I will instead procrastinate on the fun things, instead saving them for later, just breaks, or just skip them altogether (these include watching TV or lolly-gaggling, etc).

I will either create time limits, or a set timer for my breaks. When I don't do one of those, I'm acknowledging that I won't be quitting for something like two hours, or more. That's not helpful, and I can beat myself up when I make a mistake, but I can't let my confidence get messed up over it. ♥

Oh. I have to go. I hear someone doing my dishes! : / Time to clean up. :)

My Career Plan!

CLASSES! JOB-PICKING! Care-giving is a good job, and it pays enough that some people (SOME) make it their career choice, even very late in life. So it's great and everything. But it wasn't hard to get there, and I want to have a job that takes more intellect, I guess! :)

So in thinking about my next classes and job choices, I had to pick my career, too. I think I've got a pretty good plan here....

It's still a little bit iffy, and I need to research more about interpreting and translation careers, and what type of music bachelor's I'm going to want. I also am contemplating squeezing in some sort of business classes, since that might be necessary if I'm going to run my own piano lesson teaching business!! (aah. that's a half-hearted scream.) Here you go:

my career plan.
Now: *Keep my NAC job. (it's waaaay part-time, I need another one.)
*Start working as an piano accompanist - I need EXPERIENCE! (In sight-reading and performance)
if not, get another care-giving job, NOT a waitressing job or something!! Look for a HOSPITAL care-giving job--!!! (better $$ I think...?)
*Also: read my bible daily, exercise daily and lose weight to be happy, study piano and languages.

Education steps:Get SOME sort of bachelor's in Music, preferably something that gives me a lot of skill so that I am a GOOD piano teacher, at university level.

While I study music, I also need to learn one language. If I can finish one, I'll move on to another, but first I start with Japanese. 日本語 will likely take more than enough time. (Next in line are Spanish, French, Chinese, Russian... well, unless I decide to focus solely on Asian languages.)

?Can I take this B.A. with me to Japan and work as a language teacher there? (or music teacher??) yeah, That's the questionable part. I have to GO to Japan for a while, at least, if I want to work as an interpreter.

Career Results:Ability to work as a professional, skilled piano teacher, opportunity to continue school and study languages.

Get the kind of language degree that is very advanced in the direction I want to go in so that I can continue as an interpreter who really knows what she's doing in the line of interpreting that I want.

translation, work for a translation agency--?
teach piano lessons
know business stuff so that I do well in my career
keep learning more languages and traveling

Pretty good. This is quite a bit more lined up than I've ever had it before! I can do this. And I love the plan!! Only issue: money. (?whatever shall I do about that?? GET MARRIED!! ahhh nooo noo just kidding. Until and if that happens, I have to find a way to make it all myself....)

I AM MAD ABOUT BEING FAT!!!

Last night I got back from vacation, and once I had a break from unloading the car, I went into the bathroom and stepped on the scale.

AAAGHGHGHGH!!!!! I had gained ten pounds. TEN POUNDS!!!! I now weigh... 190.6 lbs.

!!!

Okay, that is an exaggeration, because I weighed myself at night, and I had a lot of water-weight, and food in my stomach, and that sort of thing.

But seriously. Whenever I gain weight suddenly to a point that shocks me like that, I get really SHOCKED. And READY to DIET.

I'M READY TO DIET!!! I just think about all those people from high school, who remember me as how I looked then-- and I think I gain weight in my face... and oooh this part is soo embarrassing... since high school, I've gained THIRTY POUNDS!!!!!!!!!

*sob sob sob sob*

I don't want to forget this strong motivation once I begin losing weight. Even when I lose ten pounds, I want to think of my NEW weight as negative, not positive. Because if I relax because of my happiness of losing ten pounds, I won't be able to lose more than that, and in my relaxation I will probably even gain the weight back. It's what all those dieters mean when they say, "I can't lose focus."

Yah-I-am-so-ready-for-this!! No stopping me now! I sure hope I don't forget this feeling! GRRRRRRR!