Boundaries and Independence

I think I'm really getting the hang of this "independence" thing.

I've got to stop letting other people change my opinions over and over.

I'm separating myself.

Becoming Cara, and nobody else.

It's hard to make my self (my own breath, my path, I guess?) my first priority.. I like helping others. It feels good, solving problems and making the world I live in a neat, organized place, running efficiently and correctly. With my power, I can keep people's feelings from clashing with mine. I might not be able to control other people's actions, but I can at least change everything I do to keep others from getting irritated with me. I can control myself in order to fit with others' needs and wants.

Well, I guess it's a useful skill. BUT MOSTLY IT'S REALLY UNHEALTHY!!! Sure, I can use this skill as a professional negotiator or something... you know, a peacemaker. Someone who helps everyone get along. An influencer, perhaps? I'm not sure of my skills yet.

But what I'm trying to say is that this skill should not be used when I need to make decisions for myself. When I'm trying to decide my college major, or the town I'm going to move to, if I'm going to get pregnant and have a child or not, whether or not I wear makeup and jewelry, what job I want, when I clean my room, (etc)-- THESE THINGS ARE MY DECISIONS ALONE.

Of course I need to consider how my actions affect others. But in the end I've got to take myself seriously! Even when or if I do have a splendid goal in life, (like going to Japan and getting a job there) it won't do any good if I make compromises in order to improve others' opinions of me. If I'm worried about my actions so much that I have to change myself for others constantly, I will NOT make it to Japan. Or any other goal.

And it's even more difficult when you have people close to you who don't believe in you because of the past or because they're doubtful and stubborn. Because they don't have faith in my decisions and goals, they try to discourage them.

And I'm easily discouraged. If I wasn't writing right now, I'd have nothing to hold onto and I've give into my discouragement and truly believe I'm not capable of going to Japan, being a translator, playing piano, or teaching, or anything.

OKAY. NO MORE OF THIS. YOU'RE DISCOURAGING ME? MY DREAMS, MY LONG-TERM WISHES THAT PROPEL ME TO TAKE SMALL STEPS IN MY LIFE NOW?

(to my parents:) NOT ANYMORE. I WON'T STAND FOR IT. IF YOU WANT ME TO BE SUCCESSFUL, THEN THAT'S WHAT I'LL DO. 

And I have to admit, I'm doing it partly for you... because I love you guys. But you want me to be successful because you love ME... so in the end, it's all about me anyway. That means I'm not compromising because of my loving you.

What a waste of time on their part, their disbelief in me. But I can't force them to trust me with words... nope. Not anymore. Well, I'll just have to show them... this is hard to deal with, though. Right now, and in other times, when I let their disbelief discourage me, I start doubting I can do it, too. I feel suddenly sad.

[When I reflect on this later (this is an edit) I think maybe their disbelief makes me stronger, and it's what I actually need to succeed?... I shouldn't say I deserve their disbelief though. It might be logical and fair, but I don't deserve it.]

Anyway-- I'm going to make a concise list of things that will help me with this current problem... this discouragement I'm having. It's a lack of faith in myself, mmhhm. If I hadn't realized this "stand up for yourself" thing, I'd be worse off than right now. But I still have some of the old feelings creeping around in me.

I'll fight them like this.

1. Getting a job is NOT the most important thing. Getting it together is. I can do that, and in the process, I'll get a job as part of getting it together. Duh.
 goal: be at peace with my life.

2. Use God's opinion as my ruler, not others or even myself.
goal: keep reading the Desire of Ages and/or the Bible so I remember how much God and Heaven loves me

(hee hee they are all hoping I will succeed in getting the job God picks for me which is of course my choice as well :)


yup, that's about it.

♥Thanks so much for reading, I hope this made sense and it was helpful or interesting to you.

Diary Entry

Dear God,

It's Sabbath today... I watched a bunch of Full Moon o Sagashite today, and ate food.

A lot of times, I feel worried that I'm not doing a good job. Of being myself, I guess. And putting it that way reminds me that it can't be true :) !

But still. I say this because we have a visitor over today and I can't relax or focus on anything when that happens, so I go to my room and veg out instead of doing something.

Which is okay, I guess, but I would rather do something active, or use my brain. But I let myself get stuck watching TV, you know? It' doesn't have to be TV, sometimes I do something else on my computer or whatever, but I feel the worst for watching TV.

I'm not sure I should let myself feel bad. It's possible I'm just being hard on myself and not getting anywhere for it.

That's right, I am, aren't I? Weeeeell, I'm going to do something else now. I'll try and stop beating myself up inside my brain.

Hee hee. Thanks, God, for helping me and always caring for me. You deserve all the love in the world, I hope more and more people notice you. Don't give up on telling them the truth, (I would suggest through love) even if they are completely obstinate to it. Isn't it true, that if we were created in your image, we naturally should lean towards the light side, not the dark? As in, love? I don't quite understand sin. WHERE DOES IT COME FROM????

haha. This is a good question, isn't it....

Where does sin come from.... .... I question this because-- if you created everything, sin shouldn't exist, because why would sin come from you? Is it because sin exists when people are allowed to make choices?

Hope?

Who do I think I am? What do I feel like might be in my future-- what can I be? Who? Listen to my soul, to God, to my heart.

I've been thinking wrong for a while. I can't become a newer, better, changing person if I hold myself back with sad thoughts. I have to think of the good things coming, and the good things I can be someday-- and BELIEVE THAT I CAN BE THAT WAY. If I believe it, I can.

;) That's called hope!!

Career Turmoil! Lovely Parents Give Advice that Conflicts! Shall I Choose My Own?

Talking with my dad about career options is a really difficult task. I mean, when it comes to gaining confidence and everything. for some reason, the foremost thing in his (and my mom's, too) mind is money. Money, money, money. And it makes sense, sure, because they want me to be able to support myself. I get that. But they're taking it too far. They seem to think that MOST JOBS won't make enough money unless it's something relating to health care.

Or maybe... maybe that's not it. It might be that right now, as I'm trying to choose my career, they need me to have confidence in my decision, and since I don't, it makes them nervous and they're doing their "part" in worrying for me-- OVERTIME.

It's sweet, but it's not helping. I need good, solid advice that tells the truth without all this. They're forgetting that the world has many careers to offer and just because they don't know about all those opportunities doesn't mean I won't be able to attain one of those career options that they don't have as much experience about. It must scare them to imagine me going out into the world and getting a job that they can't help me with-- something like interpreting or teaching music is more foreign to them and they can't imagine me doing well only because they don't know about it.

Does that make sense? I think that's what the problem is.

For me, it's very difficult to argue with them on this point (should I or shouldn't I choose this or that career....) because their point about the importance of job security and financial security is quite valid. What if they're right?  I don't even know, myself, if I can be successful with any line of work that isn't a straight path to a job, like health care. Most other careers are less secure because you get educated for them, but then the job options are variable and miscellaneous and not necessarily what you had in mind.

For instance, a career in linguistics would be where you learn about the forms of language, grammar, and patterns. You can be a teacher or a researcher in various institutions for schools and companies that do research. But when you get an education like that, you can't really be sure where or what your job will be like-- whether you'll start as an assistant, or you'll be typing up papers, or doing research in "the field"-- the type of jobs available are various. The same thing goes for other jobs. There are more options. And since both my parents went into health care, having more options is weird and scary and unknown for me.

Health care, on the other hand, is  stress-free in the respect that it leads directly to a job. You get a degree to be a doctor? You go apply to hospitals and be a doctor. You train to be a physical therapist? Go work in a nursing home, hospital, PT clinic, or other institution that hires physical therapists. Nursing, radiology, dentistry, optometry, pharmacy-- it's all basically the same-- health care education LEADS DIRECTLY to a job (that pays enough money to be moderately comfortable).

And I think that's what scares me, and what causes my parents to act this way. Health care careers are what they understand, and they don't know what it will be like for me if I choose something else, so they're worried. My dad seems to think that he has to start considering when to make me move out of the house-- which is understandable-- but he says this based on the idea that it is going to take me six to eight years to start making money.

I don't understand his reasoning!! I will eventually be able to move out and start working, at least as an accompanist, and pay for my own rent and all that. It will be hard, but I think I can do it. Daddy doesn't need to doubt me so much. It is soooo frustrating.

But I decided to write a post because I had (well, I was asking God what to do, and he told me this) a thought-- "Your parents' belief in you isn't what is going to help you do well in the world." I don't have to get their approval!! It's kind of disappointing to say out loud, since I really like that idea of "believing" in other people, as a philosophy. But in the end, you can't expect the people around you, as supportive and loving as they are, to ever COMPLETELY understand you. And in my case, at least, I can't expect my family to support me with their beliefs in me.

Of course, I haven't been very successful in life, by outside appearances and normal standards (making money, being able to move out) and it's no wonder they don't trust me. But regardless of that, it's still very difficult for me to make this sort of decision when their advice is so cleanly slicing at my confidence. I mean, I nearly, NEARLY agreed with them a few times there. My mom and dad's advice about careers is good, for the most part, but when it comes to actually PICKING a career, I have to pick it for MY OWN reason.

I am learning, slowly, that I have to make this decision, myself. I'm on my own. The more I realize that, the more I can make it true.

I think that because my parents are having such trouble trusting me, and because I let that affect how I feel, it might be GOOD for me to move out when it's actually possible. That might mean that after I save up enough money to start those music classes, I should move to the area where we have a state college here, and start living at the college while I take the classes. If I do that, I can start my music-associated career (playing piano for events and possibly teaching privately) in order to pay my own bills.

So next thing on the list is...: make a lot of money this year so I have some to pay for college classes while I'm working... to pay for rent. Also, work on my studies so that I can audition for music scholarships and apply for regular scholarships.

SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN!!! :) :) :)