Boundaries and Independence

I think I'm really getting the hang of this "independence" thing.

I've got to stop letting other people change my opinions over and over.

I'm separating myself.

Becoming Cara, and nobody else.

It's hard to make my self (my own breath, my path, I guess?) my first priority.. I like helping others. It feels good, solving problems and making the world I live in a neat, organized place, running efficiently and correctly. With my power, I can keep people's feelings from clashing with mine. I might not be able to control other people's actions, but I can at least change everything I do to keep others from getting irritated with me. I can control myself in order to fit with others' needs and wants.

Well, I guess it's a useful skill. BUT MOSTLY IT'S REALLY UNHEALTHY!!! Sure, I can use this skill as a professional negotiator or something... you know, a peacemaker. Someone who helps everyone get along. An influencer, perhaps? I'm not sure of my skills yet.

But what I'm trying to say is that this skill should not be used when I need to make decisions for myself. When I'm trying to decide my college major, or the town I'm going to move to, if I'm going to get pregnant and have a child or not, whether or not I wear makeup and jewelry, what job I want, when I clean my room, (etc)-- THESE THINGS ARE MY DECISIONS ALONE.

Of course I need to consider how my actions affect others. But in the end I've got to take myself seriously! Even when or if I do have a splendid goal in life, (like going to Japan and getting a job there) it won't do any good if I make compromises in order to improve others' opinions of me. If I'm worried about my actions so much that I have to change myself for others constantly, I will NOT make it to Japan. Or any other goal.

And it's even more difficult when you have people close to you who don't believe in you because of the past or because they're doubtful and stubborn. Because they don't have faith in my decisions and goals, they try to discourage them.

And I'm easily discouraged. If I wasn't writing right now, I'd have nothing to hold onto and I've give into my discouragement and truly believe I'm not capable of going to Japan, being a translator, playing piano, or teaching, or anything.

OKAY. NO MORE OF THIS. YOU'RE DISCOURAGING ME? MY DREAMS, MY LONG-TERM WISHES THAT PROPEL ME TO TAKE SMALL STEPS IN MY LIFE NOW?

(to my parents:) NOT ANYMORE. I WON'T STAND FOR IT. IF YOU WANT ME TO BE SUCCESSFUL, THEN THAT'S WHAT I'LL DO. 

And I have to admit, I'm doing it partly for you... because I love you guys. But you want me to be successful because you love ME... so in the end, it's all about me anyway. That means I'm not compromising because of my loving you.

What a waste of time on their part, their disbelief in me. But I can't force them to trust me with words... nope. Not anymore. Well, I'll just have to show them... this is hard to deal with, though. Right now, and in other times, when I let their disbelief discourage me, I start doubting I can do it, too. I feel suddenly sad.

[When I reflect on this later (this is an edit) I think maybe their disbelief makes me stronger, and it's what I actually need to succeed?... I shouldn't say I deserve their disbelief though. It might be logical and fair, but I don't deserve it.]

Anyway-- I'm going to make a concise list of things that will help me with this current problem... this discouragement I'm having. It's a lack of faith in myself, mmhhm. If I hadn't realized this "stand up for yourself" thing, I'd be worse off than right now. But I still have some of the old feelings creeping around in me.

I'll fight them like this.

1. Getting a job is NOT the most important thing. Getting it together is. I can do that, and in the process, I'll get a job as part of getting it together. Duh.
 goal: be at peace with my life.

2. Use God's opinion as my ruler, not others or even myself.
goal: keep reading the Desire of Ages and/or the Bible so I remember how much God and Heaven loves me

(hee hee they are all hoping I will succeed in getting the job God picks for me which is of course my choice as well :)


yup, that's about it.

♥Thanks so much for reading, I hope this made sense and it was helpful or interesting to you.