Thursday, November 24, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Doesn't give up! Cara goes North.
Quick update: 1. my daddy had ANOTHER conversation and this post is about me dealing with that. 2. Naruto Shippuden is GOOD! 3. I am losing weight! (That's positive. I've been trying to.)
Okay. So what do I have to do when I feel distracted? --and that's all this is-- I'm distracted by my embarrassment or shame when I have one of those "conversation"s with daddy. So, all I need to do is turn away and look at something else.
I can focus on piano, studying, and getting a job. In the end, that's the answer! If I focus on the negativity, I won't be able to do exactly what I need to in order to get RID of that negativity.
Talk about spiraling. Definitely... I need to be positive and encourage myself in order to REFOCUS.
REFOCUS!!!! Here I goes. God, please go with me and strengthen me. I need your help! Let's do this together. Help me make the right decision. You want me to go to Japan, right? And be a piano teacher and stuff? Or... something... Ha... ; )
Okay. So what do I have to do when I feel distracted? --and that's all this is-- I'm distracted by my embarrassment or shame when I have one of those "conversation"s with daddy. So, all I need to do is turn away and look at something else.
I can focus on piano, studying, and getting a job. In the end, that's the answer! If I focus on the negativity, I won't be able to do exactly what I need to in order to get RID of that negativity.
Talk about spiraling. Definitely... I need to be positive and encourage myself in order to REFOCUS.
REFOCUS!!!! Here I goes. God, please go with me and strengthen me. I need your help! Let's do this together. Help me make the right decision. You want me to go to Japan, right? And be a piano teacher and stuff? Or... something... Ha... ; )
Sunday, November 13, 2011
スタート！
I believe that procrastination is a form of giving up. And when you give up is when you die. I might say my lack of action is "temporary" but in that moment I HAVE given up.
Here's what I'm going to do:
PRETEND it's the END for me;
(I am motivated by deadlines, death, and sleep-- endings)
But I have to turn my death-through-procrastination... my lost battle:
into a new future --
an ending into a beginning.
Life Goals and Priorities
Alrighty. So, I'm been waiting, and procrastinating a lot, for about a year. I think I want to stop doing that. Procrastination is like giving up in the moment, while promising yourself that you'll do it "later" but "later" doesn't really mean anything. So procrastination is just giving up, since you can't say that you really WILL do the thing you need to do, ever, until you actually do it.
Here are my life goals, and underneath each one I have things I'll do to get the things done, or how I'll work on them.
1. Take care to be pretty and confident
-- (realistically) set time aside
-- remember I am good how God made me, and God is love, so I'm following him.
-- make myself do stuff I don't want to. This is going to happen a lot, and I have to deal with it, so I've got to make the choice to be responsible and cool about it.
2. Speak Japanese and go to Japan
-- 10 kanji and/OR review
-- stop using subtitles on anime (more often if not all the time)
-- leave my DS by my bed and use it more often
3. Make music
-- take it in college
-- get jobs playing music
-- volunteer playing music
-- practice every day
4. Learn about God and live for him, especially by loving others including being responsible for my family and friends, reflecting him and learning how to do that, plus anything else I need to do like that.
-- read the Bible more often, making it a source of answers to my many questions
-- go to church when I'm ready
-- care for and be responsible for my family
-- don't let myself stop my life because I'm afraid-- face the fears I have-- things that are hard-- and get a job so that I continue. I don't want to live like a zombie, but right now, that's kind of what I'm letting happen. I'm not appreciating my life.
5. Have fun and don't be upset, and be myself
-- take life at my own pace, enjoy the moments I'm alive
-- watch anime
-- don't hide: meet new people, talk to my friends and care about others
-- express myself however I want, accept how I am and don't worry about my appearance
Now... as a side note, I want to get a job to help me with number three and four, but I also need to have some spending money for the anime Full Moon wo Sagashite. I don't care if I can't use the DVDs until I get a player, but I know I want to get some before they run out of stock. I thought it was a wonderful show, and each episode was worth watching. There weren't any that I would consider fillers, and it wasn't too slow, and I loved the plot's depth and the characters. I was really surprised by how good it was-- and I don't know if I'll still say this later, but it's the best anime I've ever seen!
I haven't found an anime before this that I could say is my "favorite". Usually I'm just like, "eh, it's a great show, but I can't compare it to the others I like because they all have their pluses and minuses".... but with Full Moon wo Sagashite, I can say it really is my favorite! I'm biased 'cause I love music, and the story, but I really do think it is a masterpiece, with exquisite details and subtleties.
Here are my life goals, and underneath each one I have things I'll do to get the things done, or how I'll work on them.
1. Take care to be pretty and confident
-- (realistically) set time aside
-- remember I am good how God made me, and God is love, so I'm following him.
-- make myself do stuff I don't want to. This is going to happen a lot, and I have to deal with it, so I've got to make the choice to be responsible and cool about it.
2. Speak Japanese and go to Japan
-- 10 kanji and/OR review
-- stop using subtitles on anime (more often if not all the time)
-- leave my DS by my bed and use it more often
3. Make music
-- take it in college
-- get jobs playing music
-- volunteer playing music
-- practice every day
4. Learn about God and live for him, especially by loving others including being responsible for my family and friends, reflecting him and learning how to do that, plus anything else I need to do like that.
-- read the Bible more often, making it a source of answers to my many questions
-- go to church when I'm ready
-- care for and be responsible for my family
-- don't let myself stop my life because I'm afraid-- face the fears I have-- things that are hard-- and get a job so that I continue. I don't want to live like a zombie, but right now, that's kind of what I'm letting happen. I'm not appreciating my life.
5. Have fun and don't be upset, and be myself
-- take life at my own pace, enjoy the moments I'm alive
-- watch anime
-- don't hide: meet new people, talk to my friends and care about others
-- express myself however I want, accept how I am and don't worry about my appearance
Now... as a side note, I want to get a job to help me with number three and four, but I also need to have some spending money for the anime Full Moon wo Sagashite. I don't care if I can't use the DVDs until I get a player, but I know I want to get some before they run out of stock. I thought it was a wonderful show, and each episode was worth watching. There weren't any that I would consider fillers, and it wasn't too slow, and I loved the plot's depth and the characters. I was really surprised by how good it was-- and I don't know if I'll still say this later, but it's the best anime I've ever seen!
I haven't found an anime before this that I could say is my "favorite". Usually I'm just like, "eh, it's a great show, but I can't compare it to the others I like because they all have their pluses and minuses".... but with Full Moon wo Sagashite, I can say it really is my favorite! I'm biased 'cause I love music, and the story, but I really do think it is a masterpiece, with exquisite details and subtleties.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Diary Entry
Dear God,
It's Sabbath today... I watched a bunch of Full Moon o Sagashite today, and ate food.
A lot of times, I feel worried that I'm not doing a good job. Of being myself, I guess. And putting it that way reminds me that it can't be true :) !
But still. I say this because we have a visitor over today and I can't relax or focus on anything when that happens, so I go to my room and veg out instead of doing something.
Which is okay, I guess, but I would rather do something active, or use my brain. But I let myself get stuck watching TV, you know? It' doesn't have to be TV, sometimes I do something else on my computer or whatever, but I feel the worst for watching TV.
I'm not sure I should let myself feel bad. It's possible I'm just being hard on myself and not getting anywhere for it.
That's right, I am, aren't I? Weeeeell, I'm going to do something else now. I'll try and stop beating myself up inside my brain.
Hee hee. Thanks, God, for helping me and always caring for me. You deserve all the love in the world, I hope more and more people notice you. Don't give up on telling them the truth, (I would suggest through love) even if they are completely obstinate to it. Isn't it true, that if we were created in your image, we naturally should lean towards the light side, not the dark? As in, love? I don't quite understand sin. WHERE DOES IT COME FROM????
haha. This is a good question, isn't it....
Where does sin come from.... .... I question this because-- if you created everything, sin shouldn't exist, because why would sin come from you? Is it because sin exists when people are allowed to make choices?
It's Sabbath today... I watched a bunch of Full Moon o Sagashite today, and ate food.
A lot of times, I feel worried that I'm not doing a good job. Of being myself, I guess. And putting it that way reminds me that it can't be true :) !
But still. I say this because we have a visitor over today and I can't relax or focus on anything when that happens, so I go to my room and veg out instead of doing something.
Which is okay, I guess, but I would rather do something active, or use my brain. But I let myself get stuck watching TV, you know? It' doesn't have to be TV, sometimes I do something else on my computer or whatever, but I feel the worst for watching TV.
I'm not sure I should let myself feel bad. It's possible I'm just being hard on myself and not getting anywhere for it.
That's right, I am, aren't I? Weeeeell, I'm going to do something else now. I'll try and stop beating myself up inside my brain.
Hee hee. Thanks, God, for helping me and always caring for me. You deserve all the love in the world, I hope more and more people notice you. Don't give up on telling them the truth, (I would suggest through love) even if they are completely obstinate to it. Isn't it true, that if we were created in your image, we naturally should lean towards the light side, not the dark? As in, love? I don't quite understand sin. WHERE DOES IT COME FROM????
haha. This is a good question, isn't it....
Where does sin come from.... .... I question this because-- if you created everything, sin shouldn't exist, because why would sin come from you? Is it because sin exists when people are allowed to make choices?
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Shame isn't the problem?
I've got an idea about swimming. WAIT-- what am I talking about?!
I'm free-writing cara-style, so no editing allowed, and whatever I'm thinking.)
I had an idea about... get addicted to stuff. See, I get really addicted to anime, as in, I can watch, and watch, and watch, when I need to quit and do something else for a bit. Like... SLEEP, or HOMEWORK, or CHORES... you get what I mean, right? That kind of stuff.
But I think that "addiction" in this way isn't necessarily something I do because I "need" it, like I don't "need" to get away from my problems. Not at ALL times, anyway. YES, anime does help me get away from my problems and if I didn't use it for that, I might not have my problems.
But I'm CRAZY about anime. And it's helping me learn a language and that I can go to another country and that will change my life. It's not a bad thing. For me to associate anime solely with a negative thing like addiction is really wrong of me to do. It's blowing it out of proportion.
I DO have an addiction to anime, but that's only half of what anime "does" to me, the other half is good, like I just explained with learning Japanese, and that I like it.
So I need to recognize how I am addicted to anime, and take control of that, since it's not the same as a physical addiction, and I can get better in only half an hour after one episode, it's not something I should view as negative.
Is it possible that because of drugs and porn sites and alcohol and sex, people view things like this more negatively than it needs to be? Let's be realistic: what really is my problem: myself, or the internet that allows me to watch anime and TV?
What weakness should I be worried about?
I guess what I'm saying is... SHAME should not be my number one feeling here. It might be getting in the way of what is truly, realistically the solution to my problem.
'Cause like I say, when I diet, I can't just deny myself goodies and snacks. When I do that, (personally) I end up FOCUSING on those goodies and snacks I'm trying to avoid, and I lose control. I don't think it will help me to try and build a wall between myself an anime. Yes, I partly just don't want quit watching it a lot.
But I think I should focus instead on what I WANT to do - that's learn Japanese, music, exercise, and find a job. I really need to prioritize certain things in that list, but ... hahahha anyway.
One step at a time. And I quote myself for summary =^..^=
"So I need to recognize how I am addicted to anime, and take control of that, since it's not the same as a physical addiction, and I can get better in only half an hour after one episode, it's not something I should view as negative. SHAME should not be my number one feeling here. It might be getting in the way of what is truly, realistically the solution to my problem."
I'm free-writing cara-style, so no editing allowed, and whatever I'm thinking.)
I had an idea about... get addicted to stuff. See, I get really addicted to anime, as in, I can watch, and watch, and watch, when I need to quit and do something else for a bit. Like... SLEEP, or HOMEWORK, or CHORES... you get what I mean, right? That kind of stuff.
But I think that "addiction" in this way isn't necessarily something I do because I "need" it, like I don't "need" to get away from my problems. Not at ALL times, anyway. YES, anime does help me get away from my problems and if I didn't use it for that, I might not have my problems.
But I'm CRAZY about anime. And it's helping me learn a language and that I can go to another country and that will change my life. It's not a bad thing. For me to associate anime solely with a negative thing like addiction is really wrong of me to do. It's blowing it out of proportion.
I DO have an addiction to anime, but that's only half of what anime "does" to me, the other half is good, like I just explained with learning Japanese, and that I like it.
So I need to recognize how I am addicted to anime, and take control of that, since it's not the same as a physical addiction, and I can get better in only half an hour after one episode, it's not something I should view as negative.
Is it possible that because of drugs and porn sites and alcohol and sex, people view things like this more negatively than it needs to be? Let's be realistic: what really is my problem: myself, or the internet that allows me to watch anime and TV?
What weakness should I be worried about?
I guess what I'm saying is... SHAME should not be my number one feeling here. It might be getting in the way of what is truly, realistically the solution to my problem.
'Cause like I say, when I diet, I can't just deny myself goodies and snacks. When I do that, (personally) I end up FOCUSING on those goodies and snacks I'm trying to avoid, and I lose control. I don't think it will help me to try and build a wall between myself an anime. Yes, I partly just don't want quit watching it a lot.
But I think I should focus instead on what I WANT to do - that's learn Japanese, music, exercise, and find a job. I really need to prioritize certain things in that list, but ... hahahha anyway.
One step at a time. And I quote myself for summary =^..^=
"So I need to recognize how I am addicted to anime, and take control of that, since it's not the same as a physical addiction, and I can get better in only half an hour after one episode, it's not something I should view as negative. SHAME should not be my number one feeling here. It might be getting in the way of what is truly, realistically the solution to my problem."
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