Beginnings of days are so intimidating. They are full of promise and potential that is begging to be habitually failed at. I've failed before, I will likely fail again.

That's what the past says.

I'm tired of this, and I have gone ten-plus years having this feeling weighting down on me. I don't like it!!!

Every morning I wake up and feel overwhelmed with the potential of the day. I become paralyzed until I feel like there is a smaller portion of time left in the day, and then sometimes I feel like doing the bare minimum of tasks. Then, I might also feel excited for the next day, given how much MORE time I will have to do MORE than these "bare minimum" tasks.

And yet, each day I feel overwhelmed all over again.

It's not okay!!! I feel like some form of a depressed person, disinterested in life, stuck on dopamine activities, listless and lying to myself about what I really want to be doing.
What I "really" want to be doing is not what I am doing.

And why does it feel so bad? Even when I do everything that I reflexively enjoy (eating blobs of fudge and watching gobs of anime and prime video-- Alias right now) I feel NOT BETTER! Ugh.

And who am I doing it for? I am trying to live for God, but I continue to live for myself. Every day, all the time, it feels like I'm failing. Falling. Dead and fruitless.
Like I said, I've failed before, I will likely fail again. This might be my most pressing morning subconscious thought.

That's what the past says. Or-- wait. Is that the past talking?

Hmmm. I don't believe the past can speak. I can speak. I can listen, too. Who am I letting convince me that my past determines my future? Satan? Myself? A combo of the two, maybe.

I can't do this alone!! I can't have self-control and banish negative thoughts all by myself. Too much of this is habit, and I'm depressed and anxious to boot.

Dear Jesus,

Please help me.
As you heard me above...
Daily, I feel afraid I can't live fully for you.
I certainly don't SEE that I'm living fully for you.

But I don't have to see it, do I? I know you are in control. I don't have to be in control. My lack of perfection means you're still WORKING on me. After all, my desire to get closer to you, Jesus, is proof that you're still calling me. And I'm clumsily heeding your call.

I need you. Please live through me, so that it is not me who lives, but you who lives in me.
Please, God, Holy Spirit, Yahweh -- please act out your Word. If it's your will, please include me in your plan and find a way to make me useful in your plan. I want to be close to you.
And when I'm feeling listless about all of this, please help me WANT to get closer to you....

Amen.


Ps. To everyone:  I am married now to an amazing man named Phtephen (pronounced ff-teven)