New stuff today!

I wish I was an actress! I'm learning so much from the videos I'm watching. They're in Japanese-- and I've decided I'm going to learn Japanese over the years I'm in college, along with German (beginning this summer) and Spanish--beginning next summer--but besides that point, I realize that watching all these shows leads me to better understand the world in a way I haven't before! Japanese animes have a different importance in their essential themes and ideas than American television. It's fascinating, and not only that, but I like the style better. Yes, I like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and things like that, but the animated shows from TV Tokyo and such express a different sort of value in life that I don't feel like I've experienced as fully with TV solely produced in the United States. The animes I prefer to watch include people who fight battles of determination and focus to save those they care about--their friends. Often, these animes are about working harder to become a better person so that he or she has the power to make a difference in the world, such as to save others from emotional pain or physical death. Sometimes the animes are instead about becoming a better person in education of music, sports, or the acting arts. These animes aren't better than American TV, because there are things in American TV and movies that I like that animes don't have. But right now, the things I'm watching are helping me learn in a way that really connects to the issues I'm worrying and dealing with in my life right now.

Interestingly enough (and as a side side note) after watching "Glass Mask", about a girl who is destined (as far as I can guess by watching the third episode) to become an actress--I think I talked a bit about this already-- was inspiring to me. Acting is amazing because it leads a person to portray true emotions. Even though these emotions are, as it is heavily emphasized on "Glass Mask", just a portrayal of someone else's, they are still so freeing... whether acting is freeing because there is freedom in expressing something you yourself (as the actress) actually feels, or simply because there is freedom in expressing the character's emotions with total absorption and wholesome embracement with such depth and truth. It sounds amazing. But anyway. The point is, this truth somehow inspired me to understand this diary, Diary of Cara, as a sort of written piece directed towards someone--toward readers. I don't even know who, but the person who reads this doesn't have to be real--if anyone does read it, or even if they don't, I am still writing to someone--even if they are just an ideal, that person is someone, real, even though they might not be. There's something, I think... about expressing your emotions fully, like I described above... that makes this diary have a greater purpose than surface appearance. It's the expressing of those emotions that makes it directed towards this unknown audience, like on a stage. Perhaps... I'm on a stage, and I am a character in a play-- aware or unaware of my audience, it doesn't matter-- but my emotions make me worthy of consideration, because of my humanity. This makes me feel better because then I can address my reader without feeling weird. :) ha ha. I just hope I remember this, because it seems to means a lot right now. I am tired of being a person who doesn't know what she feels, or worries about expressing herself audibly or visibly, because she thinks that what she does is fake because others see it and therefore she modifies her very being to accommodate them--to impress? to appear humble?--I don't know. Maybe the basis of all this circular thoughts--"I'm doing it to impress them, but I don't want them to think I'm doing it to impress them, so I'll hide that, too, under another layer...."--is simply me not wanting to share myself, not even one shred of me.... and acting fascinates me because I could deeply embrace feelings--if not my own, then someone else's.... Regardless, when I read this later, which I probably will, I hope I remember how important it will be for me to consider being in a play of some sort, at least to try--because this is something that would mean a lot to me, and change me, and help me understand... something.

And all this makes me want to be a person who gets up on stage and shows it all to people. I would love it. I don't know if I'm completely cut out for it, though. If I really took the time to pursue it, maybe it would be right for me. But maybe when you like so many things like I do--graphics, drama, music, medicine--you pick the one that you feel has more purpose or tie to your life. These things I enjoy, and the other things I haven't mentioned or don't realize I'd enjoy, are all admirable professions that (I've come to realize) have great place in the world like anything else. Even business, which I cannot understand the concept of, (taking people's money and giving them something for less so that you make a profit, and they in turn do the same to others, and we are, in effect, trading money around while hoping to get a little extra than somebody else--and what happens when we ALL get a little extra--where does that come from?) has some sort of place in the world... though I'm not entirely sure where yet.... :) But when do you know what job to pick? On television, often plot lines employ the excuse of someone having a skill to put them in a path or profession that makes them use that skill to make a difference. But simply having a skill that you do well at-- even, or especially if, you enjoy it--apparently does not mean that is what you should choose. So I suppose... what you need to pick for your life-point-doings... should be something that does, in fact, have a life-point that covers all the important bases, instead of just some of them, like family, love, feeling happy with yourself and your own success, and helping others. For instance, acting--for me--is a beautiful idea, in that I could spend the rest of my life pretending, living dramatically and ferociously and like bright red-- blood--making the absolute most of my time. I could help people by showing them truth of the inner souls of the characters I play on the stage, truth in stories and history, and truth in what emotions are and how they exist. But this doesn't cover all my bases (above-- family, love, feeling happy with yourself and your own success, and helping others) because it would mean a lot of traveling, and wild people who don't believe my religion like I do. I don't know if I'm strong enough to be a witness in that sort of situation :)... and I don't know if I would do well to not get pulled under by the current of worldly obsession that I love so much in what can be portrayed in acting. Am I not trusting myself?

What I've taken from all this musing (in the previous paragraph) is that my career choice is the best. Working as a doctor is a good, solid profession that helps me save others, and gives me the means to become educated in these other fascinating career-jobs (like acting, music, and art) that I want to learn about in the future, and could use to change the world a bit, too. Even more, I love the idea of learning new languages in order to communicate better with all the people all over the world. I would also like to make learning languages (some anyway, that would be most useful) as a goal.

But aggck! It's so confusing! At least I'm not lost in what decision to make, though. I feel like I'm doing the right thing. It just annoys me... that God finds it necessary to make me figure out all these things myself when he could just tell me. Yes, that is impatient of me, but if he told me to do it, I would trust him just as I would trust myself after having figured it out by writing long diary entries for months.... Oh. No, I wouldn't trust him, definitely not--I'd question it constantly, and argue, and do exactly what I'm doing right now. That's why he's not telling me.

Ah. Revelation!! (Slight.) Or... ahhhhgggg... maybe he IS telling me, and I AM arguing! I dunno. I don't feel like he actually has told me anything specific, and unless it's specific, it's not simple to actually make those specific decisions required of me. No, I think he's trying to make me figure it out on my own. Well, I guess that's a compliment, in that he thinks I will figure out the right things in my writing-searches. But he'd better make sure I'm figuring out the right things... and guide me when I don't. I feel like he is doing that. (*whew*) I mean, seriously, what else am I supposed to do? I feeeeel like I'm doing the right thing... ehhhhh.

The sun is shining yellowwhite, white, bright, into my room and onto the wall. I can't see the sun, except when it reflects off my wall and back at my face, but knowing that the air in the room is filled with it makes me feel warm in the happy section of my heart.... The chronicles of life and death is playing in my ears (from Good Charlotte) and I still don't know, is God okay with me listening to "worldly" music? I think there's conflict between what the Bible tries to say to us and how our religious leaders/speakers/teachers interpret and present it to us, the laymen -- specifically in the actions we should be taking while we're here on earth-- so when should I listen to them, and when should I make my own decisions? Maybe there's something useful in the principle of the priesthood of all believers, a new institution created in the Bible, (I don't know when) where we all are religious leaders, instead of the institution where there is just one guy, almost like he's a mini-Jesus-human-version, our priest-redeemer of sorts. I don't like that latter version much. Maybe the priesthood of all believers is important to us modern-people (2010) because we need to think about being our own religious leaders--of ourselves--in that we need to search the scriptures on our own, figuring out what's best for our selves, in order to correctly ascertain what is truth and what is right. Responsibility! But it really seems less inefficient, in terms of saving time:) joke! Joking.

Wow. I can just talk about anything, for any length of time, really... I've got to learn how to do things that are important, when they need to be done. I'm off to study now. Since I stayed up all night... this is my schedule, and the number on the left of the period is what time it'd normally be if I got up at 7:30 am, actually 8:00 am for purposes of simplicity, and the number on the right is what time it really is! (Genius, I know! No, not genius, that's stuck-up. :/ ) wooooaaaaah!! I have neeever thought of it that way! That is REALLY useful. I have to stay up 'till six a.m., not so bad!... whoaaaaa. it's a mirror image day-night. weeeeirrrrd.

8.2000 - meds; piano.
9.2100 -
10.2200 -
11.2300 -
12.2400 -
13.100 - fin piano1/2 /then/ 130 workout 1/2
14.200 - workout
15.300 - theory: one hour, resting, snacking!
16.400 - secondary meds. theory.
17.500 - theory
18.600 - get ready, get dressed, eat breakfast, possibly do some theory.
19.700 - piano!
20.800 -
21.900 - fin piano 9:50
22.1000 - COUNSELING appt.
23.1100 - piano
24.1200 - piano
1.1300 - EAR TR.
2.1400 - LESSON
3.1500 - go to room: do english, drink a lot of water. then go practice really intense piano.
4.1600 - performance class.
5.1700 - dinner! one hour break (please stick to one hour! set alarm and get up.)
6.1800 - do english reading for just CLASS.
7.1900 - do english reading for just CLASS.
8.2000 -consider going to bed here instead!? Ask Lisa if it's OK; if she can be quiet, I sleep here.
9.2100 - do english TEST O.R. go to bed. (PICK one and stick to it!!)
10.2200 - do english TEST O.R. or go to bed. (PICK one and stick to it!!)
11.2230 - go to bed here.

If I follow this, then that proves I am capable of becoming a medical student. That sounds dramatic:) but... the truth is, following a schedule--i.e., setting out a "goal" or schedule for yourself is WHAT MAKES YOU ABLE TO DO THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO DO--things like studying, practicing, going to work--that makes you successful. Therefore, if I can follow this, then I can do it tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that. (I'm not saying I won't make mistakes, because if I did say that, I'd get discouraged when it happened and I wouldn't have the courage to try again.) But I am saying that it is possible--if I can follow these small, little schedule things--then I can follow a schedule that can lead me to medical school. Of course, I don't know yet if I have the ability to make it to medical school, because I can never follow a schedule, so I don't know my actual ABILITY. This may be the part I'm making a mistake with in my career choice--do I actually have that capability? Here I go! [prints schedule].... [please note: my (future) response to this post is, as you may guess, quite critical. Can you hear the drumbeats?] Finished 8:56pm. Do you see what I mean about needing to do things when I'm supposed to instead of this? This is a problem, and requires a solution as well.... (uhhhhmm.)