Standing on my Own?

My dad wants me to get a job; actually my whole family does.

I put it off. I've been putting it off for a long time.

I did go and get one, at one time, at the beginning of last year, but I lost it because I said "no" to too many of the on-call shifts.

I think I didn't really want that job, though. Next time I get a job, I'm making it important to ME. I can't just get another job for no reason except that other people will get mad at me if I'm not working.

It's not other people's fault, sometimes I blame them. But really, it's my fault for not making the right decisions, and sometimes, standing back hoping that I won't have to make any. I haven't been strong, I haven't stood up for myself and said "THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO DO!" and then done it.

I'm going to do that now. I keep forgetting, going backwards, and letting others change how I feel about my decisions. I get lazy or think that everything is okay. I sit back and say, "I'll live tomorrow."

But I'm not safe. It's not okay. This is life. I live on Earth and I'm a human. I could get in a car accident while heading to walmart. I could get cancer or burn up in a fire. One of my friends could die. I could lose my parents, after all, I'm 22 and they are in their fifties.

There are a million other brutal or sad things that could happen.

But the main point is that I could die tomorrow.

It's time to take up my own hands, stand up with my own body, and live for myself first. Only then can I be a tool who can help others as well. Without being my whole self, I'm a person without her own will.

1. Each moment is available for only that moment, so choose what I want to do now, and stop thinking about the future and the past. Remember I could die, and that doesn't mean when I'm eighty.
2. What CAN I do? Think in possiblilities.
3. I avoid starting work because I don't want to not finish. Quit that, it's pointless. Instead think of what I CAN do and have fun with it, this is my life. -->1) accept what's going on RIGHT NOW 2) what is the best course of action? REMEMBER starting is only the bad part, once you move past starting, you'll have fun. 3) attack! 4) enough? distracted? go to #1) again. 

4. try really really really hard, I mean it, really, to get enough sleep and wake up in the morning.

5. what really motivates me? do that! choose when to stop though, and remember I have strength, so I don't have to give in to my wants and feelings. THIS IS A HINT TO LIMIT MY ANIME WATCHING -o- and that is me yawning. at four. am. x-`|

6. Do NOT beat yourself up for things that aren't "GOOD ENOUGH". My family has taught me to do that to myself, and now I have my own habits of doing it, even after my mother and brother have learned to treat me more like the marshmallow I am. So really, stop the self-mutilation already.

7. The moment you give up is when you die.

8. うみねこのなく頃に anime Jessica says, "No matter how hard someone's heart is, if you keep on talking to them little by little, it'll eventually start to crack! I believe it! I believe that useless effort doesn't exist in this world! I bet a man couldn't understand it. A girl in love... doesn't even think about giving up just because it's useless!"

9. Patience. Listen. <- really important (i.e. to dad, mom, teddy.) pay attention to how they're feeling, validate their feelings by responding, !IN A WAY that's fair to me also. do not assume that they need to change something because of my opinion, assume that they are awesome and know what they are doing for the most part.

10. It doesn't matter what time you wake up. If you take an attitude of worrying that you didn't wake up at six, you're simply doing the same thing as when you try to rush with something. Just take life as it comes--instead of squeezing the sand in your hand, open your hand and the breeze won't take as much as you think it will-- and you'll be in more control in the end. One thing at a time.

Tomorrow: job resolution.