Past and Future

My blog needs to be the place where I record my every important thought, right when I think it (if not, I will forget). That way, my blog will be like a reflection of my life-- a TRUE diary! Since I've recently discovered that I can send posts by text, my posts will now arrive when I'm away from home! Soooo great. :) :) :O

I am reading and editing my old posts and I am impressed with my changes that I've made over time. I started my blog when I was still in school, so... it actually marks a really monumental time in my life... when I was being fantastically stupid. I shouldn't put myself down, but I'm trying to describe how irritated I am at my attitude of that time. :) I was really in denial about my school failure. (I'm having a hard time writing these sentences because I still want to deny these things!) I had gotten to a point where I was completely getting F's and not going to school at all, and still allowing everyone around me, including myself, to think that I would be able to fix things. But it really was past "too late" and effectively, I was lying to myself and whoever I spoke to about school. If my parents hadn't ordered me home, I would have continued that until the school had kicked me out! I suppose it could have worked out in the end, but coming home was also a good solution-- better, in fact-- because I am now able to try and solve this problem with my family communication problems. Even if I had been able to pick myself up at school and start living on my own, I wouldn't have solved the problem with me and my mom always fighting. Now, I think I can figure that out because I'm here with the problem right in my face, a counselor to guide me, and the desire to fix things.

Soon, I'm going to go back to school, starting with just one class. I'm going to work toward getting a music degree... something I should have done a long time ago, but I couldn't, because I didn't realize it was what I should do. :)

So I'm going to get a music degree. It's not a huge deal what kind-- yet-- and I'm not decided yet. But eventually I will decide on something music related, after I've taken some theory. I'll learn Japanese on the side, because I love it. Hopefully I will get a good job that can tide me over without making school impossible. I will get good grades because I will be trying my best and believing in myself, so I know I can do it and I have a imaginary path to follow. Then I will try to go to Japan. I can try the JET program, or just go as a missionary with my church, maybe even that first and then JET. (They might more likely accept me if I have more experience.) Now, this part is harder to imagine-- I would like to get further education in music at a Japanese university-- probably in composing, but I really don't know at this point. :) If I had more of a dream set up for myself, it would help, but I don't have to know that yet. Most importantly, I can remind myself all I have to do is make music (whether it's playing, writing, or singing) and I will be happy. I don't have to worry that my dream isn't complicated and specific. Simple is good. I forget that a lot.

PS. If my "music" path changes towards languages, or even something else, that's okay too. I don't think that is quite as likely, but I have admit that all I'm doing right now is planning. It's not like I can SEE the future.