Listening, Trust, and Patience.

This means to listen carefully, to take to heart: 耳を傾ける (and you say it like mimi wo katamukeru or みみをかたむける).

I kicked a hole in my bedroom door today. I like to say I was justified, but I guess that's mostly never justified, not in a simple fight that happened just because the people fighting are not listening to each other.

Fighting with my family used to be very complicated-- at least, I felt that way. Now I am able to see what's going on more and more. But obviously I still don't get it or I wouldn't kick a whole in my door.

Teddy, my little brother, plays the violin. I play the piano, and I want to get academically serious about it, and practice a number of hours every day, something like two to six, but I'm going to do five for now, as is possible. So I sometimes worry a little too much about perfection, instead of putting my heart into it. It's partly due to the the way I've been taught, I think, and my compulsive personality.

But the worst thing is, when I get together with Ted to practice, I bother him and say things like, "maybe you should practice more" or say other things that irritate him. (He does it to me too.) Sometimes, I'm right but I shouldn't be telling him what to do as if his actions are my responsibility. Other times, I'm just plain right and he doesn't listen. And then there's the times when I'm being a bitch and say downright maddening things that I don't really mean, but since I'm genuinely irritated, he takes my words to heart.

I'm always surprised by other people's abilities when I look more closely at them. I mean, ALWAYS surprised. It's like I have a complex about the human race being dumber than me, just a little bit dumber. This is simply because I am unaware of what's going on, and I just think about myself-- "Oh wow! I understand this math problem! It was so hard! I'm guessing no one else understands it at all. Yippee." If both Teddy and I left the other person alone and trusted in their skills and their ability as a human being (God makes us able to manage ourselves) we wouldn't be fighting. AAA! KEY POINT!

But we don't trust each other's skills and abilities. It's very easy for Teddy to get mad at me, and it's very easy for me to get mad at him. We are both distract-able, sensitive people who jump on each other for the little things that irritate and that we take to heart, when it wasn't the point of the argument anyway.

In this way, we have the incredible ability to take an argument and make it go on and on. TANGENT! TANGENT! WE ARE LEAVING THE PORT! NOW WE'RE GOING TO PLUTO WHERE THERE'S NO POINT IN VISITING BUT WE DON'T CARE! After completely exhausting ourselves with getting mad about being insulted, delivering insults back, and getting the other person irritated, thus resulting in being insulted (etc etc) we both get the impression that the other person is indisputably an insensitive jerk whose only desire is to say infuriating, interfering, and obscene things.

If I listened for Teddy's feelings (at least my impression of them) through his words (and actions), I wouldn't be acting so stupid and helping an argument progress pointlessly.

But we don't listen. And after being irritated by the other person so much, we are at the point where wish we could quit the fighting. We can't get the other person to listen to us, and it makes us feel a serious lack of control-- we aren't "allowed" to speak our piece, even if only to continue a tangent-- so the only thing we can do to re-assume control is to QUIT practicing and walk away. This is a very effective way to make the other person mad, because that person is there to practice with you and only you, so if you leave, they have to quit too. BAM! Gotcha. Now you have to change what you're doing because I took control of the situation and left! Bye-bye! (Snicker snicker.)

That's often how our fights end. Nice, huh? After I'm done, it all feels like nothing, and for nothing.

There's a lot more I could talk about, more I could explain about what we fight and how we do it, and how this just doesn't affect Teddy and me, but my mother and me, too. We've become very skillful with words, but it's mostly evasion words and not-admitting-we-are-wrong words or well-you-do-that-to-me-way-more-than-i-do-it-to-you.

But I don't need to explain all that, because the solution is to get into the habit of listening and observing, not interrupting, respecting the other person's abilities, and being PATIENT. AAARGH it's so EASY to type that! Such simple words! urrrgh.

Interestingly enough, we all know that we need to start listening, and so now we use that in our fights too. When Teddy doesn't get to finish speaking (because I interrupt) he gets incredibly mad at me, and vice versa. Unfortunately, there's no way to get around that one. Even if the other person goes on and on, we can't tell them to stop talking, we have to listen. That's why I emphasize patience. Sometimes one person wants to say something and expects the other person not to have the desire to respond. NOPE! Don't expect to get to talk without the other person saying something-- if you want to save time, say so, be concise, or shut yourself up! It's not fair to talk unequally.

Anyway, I'm sick of this problem that's half my fault. I let myself get mad in situations that don't have to be out of my control, but I let it happen. It HURTS! But mostly, the hurts goes down deep and then I just feel tired. And then of course, I have a hole in my door.

From my foot.

From kicking the door. And then I cried about kicking the door.

I'm sorry I'm repeating myself, I am just SO surprised that I made a HOLE in my door. Can you just buy regular doors at the store? Maybe this will give me a chance to get a fancy one with a mirror with a gold filigree edging, I wouldn't kick that one.