I typed this in first period, when I was supposed to be typing. Following the rules.

Monday, May 13, 2013 09:08:55

I cannot focus right now. I would like to sleep but I'm not sure it's allowed. I will use this as my blog entry, if I can ever get through this situation without falling asleep eternally. Anyway, I am just plain sleepy. What did I dream about last night?

I think Michael was there, but he is a lot lately. I have been dreaming about ... no, that's not what I was going to say. But yes, I do dream about Michael. Usually he is there in person, with some kind of dream-like events going on, and I don't really remember exactly what happens.

But what I was going to say (before I interrupted myself) was that I have been thinking about our relationship lately. It's hard to even describe what I mean because I don't k know what words to use :) Because I don't do stuff like this very often. Argh. :) But anyway, it makes me nervous that ... when a guy desires a girl and she isn't ready to share everything with him, what can she do? I told my roommates this feeling, and I was feeling mad, so I said something funny: "It's not damn fucking time!!!"

They thought that was funny, and for some reason they kept repeating it over and over. And only thirty seconds into this did I realize what I had just said, and I started laughing like a maniac and it made me feel a lot better for about five minutes.

But that is still how I feel—sex doesn't come first. Or does it? What does God want me to do about this? I think if I do some more reading I will understand a bit better. But I really don't know. I wish I could have some Mark Gunger DVDs and my "I kissed dating goodbye" book, plus I can read other books I've got in my bookcase. Bokcase. Anyway, I am confused and wishing.

'Cause I don't understand what it's like to be a guy. I don't have an immediate interest like he does, I mean, I guess. Why did God make it this way? I know that it would probably be weirder if both guys and girls had the same kinds of sexual needs and sexual workings. I mean, if we felt the same about it, then we would be more the same and the whole fun of it is that we're not the same. It's very interesting. Sometimes when I analyze the relationship between God and the church I understand things better, even sex. I'm not sure how to analyze this productively.

Heh heh heh. If one was to productively analyze sex, you might do so by producing babies.

Okay, then. So anyway, I have a ridiculous satisfaction in typing stuff onto a page like this. Typing is a very useful and interesting way of communicating. It is so impermanent, yet can be made permanent. I seriously think I have something weird in my arm that is causing pressure on a nerve, and although it doesn't really hurt, it feels weird and moreover I wonder if I should be worried about it or not.

CANCER OF THE ARMPIT!!! No seriously. I have breast cancer in my shoulder-armpit underarm area. Okay not really. But possibly. I should probably do something about it. I may just have multiple sclerosis. I mean at this point I'm starting to feel confused.

But getting pinched nerves doesn't mean anything, right?

Ugh.

It's not fair. I have wishes and strong feelings too. I can't pretend to put those feelings up there, equal in line with his, but I wish I could. I don't know. My emotional needs are strong, and I'm not sure if one could compare those to physical needs and say that they're very similar. I barely even know what I'm talking about. If I have questions, I can't just ask them, not anything I want, because it wouldn't always be appropriate. Well, it doesn't help how I've never had sex, and he has, so it's easier for him to wish for it, I think, than for me to wish for it. MY line hasn't been crossed. So the waiting period is simpler, or easier. This is the reason for waiting until marriage. Because being a virgin makes the before period more seem more sensible.

Marrrrgin flaargin!!!

Conclusion: this is not my problem, nor is it my fault. I am totally interested in learning more about Michael and figuring out how to make things easier for him, but it's not my fault he went and had sex a bunch without me. So fuck it.

I'm not fucking anybody until marriage.

That's it.

So freaking dammit I have dandruff.

Now I have to put "explicit content" on my blog if I want to post this.

It's okay, though, since I really feel like this a lot more than I let on.

Damn it.

Uh, I guess since I can't access my blog from Job Corps it will be a little hard to fix the explicit content. Oops! :/

Hey, God, help me out with this. Remind me that I have to do some studying, and that I need to talk to you constantly. Be my breath. Wake me up and lead me through the dreamworld. I'm not ready for this without you. Amen.