I had a bad night! Part Three.

Wednesday night's craziness began when Daddy asked me how my job search was going. He was worried because of his evil but perfectly understandable ultimatum-- that if I didn't get a job, I'd miss our family vacation to the lake.

Frustrated, I knew that with only a few hours of Thursday's morning left to secure a job, I couldn't make any more progress. Either I'd found a job by the deadline, or I hadn't and I would have to find out in the time that my family was on vacation, and maybe search further while I stayed home.

I tried to explain that we could only "wait-and-hope" at this point to Daddy, but I was so cavalier about it (how I usually am about deadlines) that he was incensed almost immediately.

(I was a little mad that he was asking me The Stupid Question, yet AGAIN, and my anger didn't help. Of course it really wasn't a stupid question, I was just so irritated by it!! He asked it EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. Sometimes I'd run away down the stairs when he got home in the evening, just to avoid the stupid question.)

Daddy would have rathered I just LISTEN to his reprimanding. I didn't handle that well. Mom was there too, interjecting, and telling me that I should just be quiet or that I shouldn't say this or that.

Somehow in the midst of the talking, and the me-arguing, Mom brought up my laptop. She doesn't like it that I watch TV instead of doing other useful stuff. Or at least, that it takes up too much of my time. And she's right-- I don't know how to balance my time. I spend too much time watching TV and not enough cleaning house, eating healthily, exercising, studying, searching for a job, etc. Watching TV makes me lazy. It holds me down, and I LET IT. I haven't been admitting that to myself. I never do.

Mom seemed to know how to solve the problem. "Why don't you leave your laptop upstairs tonight?" AKA, don't watch TV tonight.

"No, I'm not going to do that," was my response. I was irrationally stubborn about it, and it went back and forth like that for a while.

"I'm going to take it from you, Cara."

"You can't do that. Just leave it alone, okay?" I felt like an addict or something. It was so embarrassing, it made me giggle. But it was horrible.

So I picked up my baby and took it downstairs, then stuck it in my couch-side stand drawer, where I thought she wouldn't find it. But who could imagine what would happen next? I didn't imagine it, or I would have taken my laptops down to the garage and stuffed them in a box along with the sleeping bags.

I was messing around in the laundry room, which is across the corridor from my room. When I looked up from taking care of some of Mom's laundry, there she was, skulking around in my room. She was peering in drawers.

"Cara, where's your other laptop?"

She'd taken my blue one, the one I use solely for studying. I was so furious-- this was totally crazy.

"That is not cool, Mom."

"Where is it? I'm taking it."

"NO, you're not, you don't know where it is."

"Cara, you tell me right now. I'm taking it. You can't be allowed to have it."

 I walked away.

"Cara, you tell me RIGHT NOW!"

I looked back over my shoulder, laughing. "Mad now?"

I didn't realize it then, but I doubt she was as mad as I was. It was just ME who was mad-- because I was slowly losing control. It's the worst feeling for me-- losing control.

My mother, to me, was acting... well, I don't want to be disrespectful. But I knew she shouldn't have done it.

I told her, too. I went into her room, and yelled at her.

"This is the kind of decision I have to make myself! What do you think it will be like when you're GONE, Mom? You're going to be DEAD! Really DEAD! I won't have you here, and there won't be anybody to take away my laptop! I'm twenty-one! This is not the right way to help me!"

I was so angry. I hissed, possessed with passionate anger, "I will never do this to my children. You do NOT know what you're doing. And I hope that hurts." With that, I exited.

Well, it wasn't much of an exit. As soon as I walked out, I hurried back in, and said, "I'm sorry, Mom, I'm really sorry. That was horrible. I'm sorry."

Mom just kind of did this weird laugh-- like she felt bad, but she more just thought.. I was crazy. Really crazy. Like, an addict, doing anything she can to get back her relief-- her high.

I was horrified at my behavior. What was the big deal? I felt out of control? So what? Why couldn't I go and do something else? I didn't have to watch anime or TV every night. But-- I was SOO upset that someone could just take something away from me like that, and that I couldn't stop them. I hadn't expected a feeling like this.

Tears welling up, I walked out of Mom's room. As I headed past the stairs, down the entryway, into the kitchen, I spotted my dad messing around with something foodlike, and at the sight of him, I rabbit-sidestepped to the left into the small hallway leading to the office, then whirled into a small two-door bathroom.

I faced the mirror, head down as my eyes filling with salty water, each having become their own small puddle. With both hands, I shut both doors to the sides of me and pushed in the locks with a quiet click. My heart was pounding with anger at my mother. Her actions were ridiculous. My tears dripping, slowed down my cheeks. I was angry, but I was giving up. I couldn't fight this battle.

Leaning against the door I'd come through, I sat for a while, then pushed myself until I was lying down on my side, in front of the toilet. My tears calmed and so did my heart, breathing, and self. The nightlight's flashing-- bright white when I came in, darkened to a sinister red. It was slow and gradual, but it seemed to me it seemed fast and flashing, so I jumped up, yanked it out of the plug, tossed it onto the counter, then resumed my position on the floor.

Then I listened.

Lying on the floor was calming. I could hear others walking past the door, but no one called for me. I was safe inside this little room. I was safe, listening to my breaths, with only simple thoughts running through my mind, and flat against the smooth, stable floor.

Lying there in the dark, I realized something I wouldn't have if my mother hadn't have stolen my laptops. I AM addicted. Yes. Like a drug. I need TV to help me feel calm. Without it, I can't sleep. Without it, I can't stop my scary thoughts of failures from running through my head, over and over, like a powerful, sucking tornado. I act like a crazy person when people try to take away that drug. But this feeling now... it feels just like TV. This feeling of calm, of empty thoughts, of safety, and... I can breathe. I'm breathing right now. In and out. TV is an easier solution, but it... feels the same as this does.

Maybe I should do THIS more, so I don't let TV take me away for such long periods of time. Kind of like, meditation, or just plain thinking... resting... a different form of sleep.

Finally, after a long time, I rose and went about other activities. Secretly, I decided  that tomorrow, I would search the house when Mom went out on errands. When I found my laptops, especially my favorite baby, I would just take it and hide it in a really good spot, even proving that I didn't need it. For a while, I consoled myself with this thought-- it was the only power I had. But after a while-- I even tried sticking my head in my Mom's room for a moment-- I couldn't make myself search. I realized-- if I DO go and search, I'll be being JUST as CHILDISH as my mother was being to me! I can't do that. It's too ridiculous. I was angry enough at her actions to hold out. I told her that later, too.

As it turned out, my mother never had much of a plan. I am continually mad that she did it, but the results were eventually positive. I ended up getting my laptops back without much problem later the next day, even though I don't feel like I really deserved them, now that I realize (from lying on the bathroom floor) how real my problem is.

I now realize, my mom isn't very good with discipline. She's got great ideas, but she can't stick to them. I know how she feels, I have a hard time sticking to rules I've created for myself, or others, as well. It's kind of a boundaries problem-- and it's important for me to admit her problem because it affected the way I grew up and the way I make decisions. I can't just ignore this out of respect for her, as damaging as stating this might be. I've got to learn how to exercise self-control when it comes to my boundaries of self-- the decisions I make about relating to others, and the decisions I make about myself are all about my own boundaries that I have to create for ME. And that's because... apparently, nobody taught me in a way that I would learn it. But now, I think I'm getting it! SLOOOWWWLY.

Thursday morning, I was all nerves and terrified. I called my potential employer, but I couldn't get a hold of the director or anyone who could actually help me. What could I do? I was supposed to wait for a call, and I'd already tried to contact them instead. What could I do?--

Nothing.

I finally came to the point where I was sitting on my bed, clutching my cell phone desperately. I was done crying, but my face was still all covered with tears of frustration and the knowledge that all my efforts were futile. I had absolutely no control, I realized, in the end. It was too late.

I could look to my heart's content in the following weeks before September 1. I knew I could find one, because there were hundreds of other options here in New Brighton.

But I needed an answer NOW.

It was 1 o'clock. At nine in the morning, I had five hours to learn if I could secure the job. Now, it was TIME TO GO.

I hated the desperation of that moment, but it felt good, in a way, because I had done all that I could, even though it didn't feel like it.

I didn't know what to do. I was really, really, REALLY worried about something I couldn't do a thing about.

As I sighed tortuously again, I suddenly heard my ringtone.

”はやくでて！”  My phone was crying in Japanese-- ""Moe, Hayaku dete!" (Hurry and pick up!)

My eyes widened in surprise and I gasped with disbelief. I was laughing the entire time the phone was ringing!

"No WAY!" I yelled. In a second, I had checked the caller ID-- unknown.

It was who I wanted it to be. As I spoke to the woman on the phone, I was fearful that the news I wanted to hear would be the complete opposite. But it wasn't! In fact, she apologized for calling me so late, as if she'd forgotten, and even referred to herself as a "flake".

*Whew*

As you can guess, I ended up going on vacation. The trip with my mother in the car ended up going exceptionally. She had forgotten both her wallet and license, and I had brought mine, so I got to drive our trailer (with the bikes, canoe, and kayaks) for a while. Throughout the entire trip, I got closer to my family more than I'd expected. It was delightful! Besides the fighting. Haha.

So. What did I learn from this experience? The biggest thing, the thing that I most want this blog entry to communicate, was the way I felt when I was lying on the floor. I admitted that I was being affected by TV, in a way I hadn't believed. I had no idea my love of anime and TV was so strong that it was pulling me away. I thought I was in control, and I wasn't. Even now, I think I'm still not doing well with this.

So I'm thinking, it would help, BEFORE I  start a TV watching session, I should always do one of these activities, for at least ten minutes-- not doing anything but LYING DOWN or SITTING:

lying on a floor somewhere, it doesn't have to be with the door closed, but it might be more effective if I'm alone.

going outside somewhere, take a blanket, or sit in a tree, and close my eyes.

go somewhere in a room and turn all the lights off, assume a position, and stay there.

lie on a couch.

sit in a yoga position.

sit on a table or desk.

Basically, sit or lie down anywhere that's peaceful. Do it frequently, and before involving myself in any stories-- books, audio, or TV. This would be fun. I've tried this a few times and it feels very good. The fact that I came up with this is pretty good, because as it turns out, this is a method similar that psychologists use for people addicted to things. It's perfect. If I find a harmless substitute, I can avoid getting pulled into watching TV without involving my will.

Also, I'll look really weird to other people. Haha! Yay. I'm going to try all those ideas above. Winter, here I come. I'm not giving up.