I'm okay

I'm okay, everything's fine. I'm just really focusing. I'm not sure I can do this.

Sometimes I get afraid like that. I just have to change the way I do things. It just feels like I'll never be able to do it. It takes so long... and it's all I can write about, too. :)

Writing here has helped a lot. I think I've refined my ideas down quite well. Tomorrow I have to do better.

Oh, I got a fish! He is a betta. I named him Kiichigo, or きいちご, for his deep raspberry red color. He hasn't looked too happy lately, but it IS only the first day.

I'm so tired.

The Final Crash Project List

My dad had ANOTHER talk with me. But I didn't mind it. My attitude has changed, I think. I did a good job of mostly "listening" and I didn't argue when I wanted to.

Because as much as I want to put up protests and make excuses, the truth is that is just what they are. If I haven't succeeded in the areas that my dad wants me to -- getting a job, getting an education, helping out around the house, keeping my room clean-- then he may as well be right and I need to listen to his advice. Of course, I have my own opinions about how I can fix my laziness and assorted other bad habits, but it's not like I've even taken my own advice.

So I just listened! It worked pretty well. He gave me a list of the things that he talked to me about, and asked me to keep it so that we could look at it later and see how well my progress as gone.

That sort of thing is really helpful to me! I like it because I have a real person to be accountable to. Usually I make lists for myself, but that leaves me only accountable to myself. And I agree with basically everything on the list, except he wants me not to watch TV on my laptop anymore...

And yet didn't I just post that I wanted to do that? I haven't been able to meet  the goal of "never watching" yet.

I'm making it sound difficult, when really that's just me making bad decisions. And even what I'm writing here... is, yet, the same thing. But I think it's important that I keep trying to use my time wisely. I do need to focus more on my goals instead of procrastinating. I use TV to procrastinate. I suppose this is a habit I'm going to HAVE to change. Here's my lsit of things that I really need to do, in this order, before I can effectively start using that planner-schedule I keep trying to do (the by-the-minute one).

This list is important because I have a hard time being organized when my room is messy. Also, this list is important because my life is in disarray (messy room, no job, and I'm too shy all the time, kind of like... a female hikikomori... haha... eh.) so I'm trying to get over the problem areas so I can actually work on a normal schedule (being prepared to work full time, and sleeping at normal times, and studying productively for nursing school).

The Final Crash Project List
WOOO HAHAHAHAHAHAHa (evil laugh)
1. go to sleep/bed after nine pm at night.
2. clean my room. clean something else to help around the house, at least 3 things, per day.
3. exercise every day.
4. make myself pretty even if I'm planning on exercising in a minute. otherwise, I'll be too scared to let people see me, and then I get afraid to go other places in the house.
5. practice piano, five hours a day. HA. Beat that, Cara from before this post. (I'm competing with myself. What? No, I don't have multiple personality disorder! XD Because my multiple personalities are all named Cara, therefore, they're still me.)
6. look for jobs as an accompanist. look for jobs as a nursing assistant if that doesn't work. it might not, because music schools have jobs available for their music students, not me, right? a church is possible, though. i just may need to look for a CNA job in the first place anyway. -- BASICALLY, JUST GET A JOB OUT OF NECESSITY. JUST DO IT!!!

k. I'm pasting it into my daynotes. byebye.

Progress Report!

I'm still working on that planner-schedule thing.... It's going okay so far, I never get it perfect, but the important thing is that I keep thinking about it and keep trying to use my time to get things done instead of procrastinating and waiting to start a task....

I have little symbols I use that mean certain tasks, so that I don't have to write out the names of everything when I write down a schedule (for what I want to do during the day, for each hour or half-hour. I haven't yet included anything for less than ten minutes, and the ten minute slots are just for writing down reminders to drink water (H20 is its symbol) during the day.

I just have to keep up motivation-- not to quit-- 'cause I am just sooooo bad at "wanting" to do things that are productive.

I.e. I'm LAZY. But that's okay, I'm figuring it out... I'm figuring it out... sigh--

Quitting... temporarily.

I decided that I'm not going to watch any more TV (i.e. anime) without it being something I'm using to translate languages-- not until I reach my 175 lbs. weight goal. 'Cause I really need to get my haircut, and I'm only supposed to do that after I lose those ten pounds. Arrrggg.

I can't believe I'm saying this.

And I can't say, "I hope I can do this," because I know I CAN, so if I say that I'm not sure I'm capable, it's lying. I don't know if I have the strength though... no, I do know that I have it. It's more like I don't know if I have the true desire to actually stop.

Well, I know I CAN do this, so if I don't, it's all my fault. Arrrggg. Urrrg.

But it sure is a lot easier to get things done when you aren't addicted -- I mean of course not! I mean... wasting time... watching anime. haha. just kidding. I am a little addicted. or completely, I suppose.

here goes! :)........ I'm gonna clean my room now. Updates later! I'm absolutely required to come back and update you with the POSITIVE progress that I'm going to make. yay.

New Studies!

Last night I wrote a list of stuff I'd like to learn about. I am knowledge-happy and everything, but I never actually want to study anything. It's like I like to imagine, but nothing else.

I'm hoping I'll figure that out. But either way, I've written the stuff I'm studying now in my previous blogs. But I didn't think about how I have textbooks that could help me with nursing - chemistry and anatomy and physiology-- and maybe statistics? -- which I could use to learn vocabulary and diagrams and other information.

When I learn on my own, it makes the information more seem real and practical. I think what I need to do now is pick some of these subjects and study them in particular, since I can't actually study everything that I want.

New Plan!!

I am going to try out something new with my planner. I need to plan my time more exactly, like, down to the minute. It's all going to be about routine. Routine is good for me, because my personality is the opposite. I can't find a way to channel my ADD into something good, so I'm going to guide myself with a planner-- it's kind of... like I'm fighting my ADD, if you want to phrase it negatively. But I can't just jump from one task to the other constantly just so that I don't forget to do the new thing I thought of. If I do that, then I forget the other thing I was doing previously. Laundry, brushing my teeth, cleaning my room, practicing piano, studying, even having arguments with people, it's all the same-- I forget to finish things because I go do something else. I just don't know if that's helpful under normal circumstances, ever!

So here goes. I'm going to list every single thing I might ever need to do-- daily activities, things I want to do to reach my goals, studying, family activities, cleaning, etc-- and prioritize them into a laddered list, for what to start with first, and use it to pull those activities from the list and schedule them into my day, down to the minute. 

My taking care to use each minute will help me take my time more seriously. I've been trying this with my planner since this week's Monday, but it wasn't working because I didn't specify very carefully, and I didn't actually make it on-time to the first activity, so I'd give up immediately. I suppose that problem can't be solved by being specific, so I'm going to have to try harder. No-- I have to do my best. But, being specific will at least (maybe) make me take things more seriously.

I'll use my planner and write in it, 7:10, 7:15, 7:30... that sort of thing. It will probably be mainly fifteen minute and thirty minute increments, but I might need to buy a bigger planner for smaller increments, but even that might not fit in the one I have. And I'll time myself with my phone. If I forget to set the timer, I'll forget to keep going. After a while, I might not need to use it, but for now, I'll pretend otherwise.

I'll carry my "Quotidian" list with me everywhere, in a purse (even in the house) as well as a planner, pen, my phone, and post-its or other notepaper for writing random things. Probably post-its are the best. Study materials and other activity materials will stay in the places I will do those activities. I have a habit of trying to do too many things at once-- see-- so then I get all my stuff lost all over the house, which makes it even harder to finish tasks after coming back to them, since I don't know what I was doing if I don't even know where I was doing it.

I just don't know how to lose weight and get my studying done every day if I don't try this. I will really be happy if this works. Here goes try number 2,436! (That's a joke. :-| Well, I'm guessing it's a smaller number.)

special codes
AFRST=adjust for required start time (for appointments that I'm not sure when they'll occur, like family worship or going somewhere with someone else)

Activities Prioritized: The Crash Project Expanded
FREQUENT ITEMS (short time-period activities)
water
chores essentials
japanese and spanish

TIME BLOCK ITEMS(extended time-period activities - some are repeated from frequent items)
prayer
sleep B4 2330 (2100)
wake B4 0800 (0600)
pretty-care essentials (showering, nail-care, skin-care, brushing hair, dressing)
work (requires 10.5 hours - getting ready, driving, and working)
chores essentials (for appearances, mom and Allison)
weight loss
studies: bible
studies: college homework
studies: piano
studies: theory
studies: spanish
studies: japanese
pretty-care extras (picking outfits, makeup, hair-dos)
exercise
chores hardcore (big projects)

hummm... can't think of anything else at the moment. I'll update this later. For now, I'm going to print it out and follow the other things I've added on to Quotidian. (You know that means daily, right? It's kind of funny though, it makes it sound like I'm "quoting" myself. Which, really, I kinda am doing that anyway....)

URRRRR Something crazy just happened to my page, Quotidian, and it has reverted to the state it was in at least two more more days ago. How did that happen? A whole bunch of really good stuff I liked is gone. I don't get it. I think it must be bad to have two "New Post"s open on blogger, and it gets confused with the publishing. Urrrrggg!!!!!! I can't remember half of it. I get so mad when that happens. :,(

Driving, Raining--

It was raining really hard when I drove up through coastal cities to get to the camping spot my family was staying at. It was on a Sabbath. I was listening to classical music and storm sounds all the way. It was fun.

The towns were so cute and adorable, and probably especially because it was raining, I felt comfortable there. The houses were small and the beach was like a dream view. If I'm single, what's wrong with moving somewhere random like that? (Although I have no idea of living costs. :-/ )

But while I was driving through those little beach towns, I thought of something, so I stopped and wrote some stuff down, which I'll type here, below.

*figure out what job would be stable and good for making lots of money-- to save for music school and to pay for my car -- the one I have, or a new one.

*find theory classes online to start with? Call colleges for advice, especially community colleges.

* look into nice towns, beach towns, or like, artsy towns (if I want to play piano and do accompaniment) about living (especially RENT) and look into finding a place with a piano. Also check out whether they have my church, so I can find a community I'm comfortable making friends in. Look for a place I can use a bike instead of a car!

*save up a fund for living on my own!

*make this "moving away from home" my first baby-step to traveling.

*spend time working and studying, and maybe making friends and doing fun things, like dance class, shopping, and taking walks and runs outside!

Aaaaaaa! * sob sob sob* waa Waaa WAAAA WAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I found an ANT in the last bits of my lucky charms cereal milk.

A dead one.

EWWWWW!!!!!!! I cannot handle this. *sobs*

Getting People to do Chores of their Own Accord! Shower Burglar?!

I found something weird in the bathroom today. It was a long, dark, curly hair. Now, we've got a lady in our house staying with us, Allison, and she's got SHORT, blond and brown hair. My mom has wavy hair, but it's not long. Teddy and dad have short hair. Nobody has long, curly hair!

So I was hoping it was mine. My hair is turning curly?? I wish it was....

Haha. Well... probably not. I guess we have a trespassing shower-stealing burglar lurking around our house??

 I was cleaning in an attention-deficit sort of way today, and suddenly I came up with an idea for getting Teddy to do his chores of his own will. That basically never happens unless 1) he's been told it's his duty, and 2) he's motivated because he wants to finish and go do something else.

Where I work, there are about five to seven nursing assistants on the floor for each eight-hour shift. We are assigned (each) to mainly one hall, and have around seven to nine medically ill or elderly or people to care for. We help those people maintain hygiene, get their meals on-time, and go about other daily activities. The "residents" (patients) have different levels of illness. Some of them are completely independent, so they barely even need us to check on them for the entire shift. Others need help with only certain activities, while a few are completely dependent and need help for absolutely everything, or they would just lie in bed all day.

Even though we have "assignments" and specified tasks as nursing assistants, it's our job to help the residents when they need help, not just the residents we're assigned to-- which means that I'm always taking care of other people's residents-- but in turn, the assistants on my hall help me out with my residents whenever its necessary, as well.

So, while I was doing ADD cleaning-- I thought-- HEY!!

Teddy is given all these assigned tasks (and I'm really not, which seems a little weird, maybe my parents are afraid to make me do things... hee hee... that's really not good, is it?) such as recycling, walking and feeding the dog, vacuuming, and then he also has to do homework, practice piano, and practice violin.

Heavy stuff. And my mom is always are going, "Teddy, do the recycling. Time to practice. Do you hear the dog barking? Did you do the vacuuming? Are you playing Xbox again? I'm going to take away your privileges! Etc etc etc! "

But he NEVER does anything he doesn't have to. And why?

'Cause we don't help. If we helped sometimes when it was needed, or even more regularly than that, he'd do his chores because he wants to help us back. And how can he believe that these things really are part of his responsibilities BECAUSE he's part of our family... if we don't do it too?

We're being bad examples.

So I decided, I'm going to quit this. I'm going to be helpful, and treat him like I want him to treat me. (In other things, not just chore-doing!)

I will be telling Teddy about this later, but for now, I want to see if it works. I could be missing something important, so I'm going to try it out first. I do know that this happens to other families, though, and I don't want it to get any worse.

*Sigh*... well, here goes!

Stuff!

*Look for accompanying jobs
*make an appointment to try accutain or get something for my complexion. Exercise a lot, and clean a lot.
*work on those Japanese games

degree? aaaarrrggg.?
*make those schedules - heaven

SAVE MY BOOKMARKS SOMEWHERE.

ORGANIZE MY ROOM SO I CAN FIND THINGS. HAVE A MASSIVE GIVEAWAY/ REORGANIZATION PARTY. I am not the sort of person who's used to that, but I've got to do it, and learn what I truly need in life. Use simplicity to discover my true path.
i.e. map on wall, clean mirror, keep thoughts in my head, limit things, CLOTHES, PAPERS, BOOKS... etc.


WEDNESDAY (above for details)
practice piano, take care of my skin, declutter my room, study

Enjoyable day!

Today I didn't do much at all, except think about what I could do, and plan things.

That can be good, too!

I watched a lot of anime, though! The latest episodes of bleach, a new one -- welcome to NHK -- and plenty of others.

I got together my piano books and got Teddy to show me what pieces I should be learning so he and I can play concertos together. He plays violin, see, and I play piano, so it's a pretty good deal when you want to learn how to be an accompanist. I will probably get the best experience I can by preparing this way. I wrote those pieces down in my new (purple) piano notebook, and I'm getting a little excited about it.

I spent time taking care of myself, washing my face and dressing up. I put together this really weird outfit with random clothes I found-- a soft brown scarf on my neck, a long floaty purple tank-sleeve hawaiian-print dress with brown buttons down the front, and a length down to the mid-calf. On top of the dress I wore a red camisole, since the dress is really baggy (kind of like wearing a giant floating pillowcase) and then a black studded belt around the waist.

I'm going to try making my entries more specifically day-entries, like, "here's how my day went" as a record, of sorts. Instead of blabbering on about what I want to change about my actions, I'll only write down something really inspirational or the truth about my daily activities. The other habit-changing, thinking-changing stuff, I'll refrain from writing and instead actually DO it. I think that's a problem-- I've been writing down, "aw yeah, this is important, I'm doing this wrong, TOMORROW I'll do that and that and this and that..." but I don't actually MEAN any of it. So either I do it or I don't, but I don't need to write down what isn't true.

I also talked more (this evening) with my dad about career stuff. My mom got in a few interjections, and I didn't do well to keep from arguing, but it wasn't bad. Slowly, slowly, I will figure this out.

Finding!

No, no, no. I'm going to work, doing whatever working I CAN, this year. I am really not going to be able to get experience in the area I want, not as much as I should, and that's okay.

I'm indecisive like this because I really DO NOT like all these ideas!

I like stories, and music, and knowledge! So why don't I give up trying to find a "secure" job and actually work on these things I enjoy? Right now, I live with my parents. My life is secure. Right now is the time to get jobs that aren't perfect. I don't have to choose my career right now. I need to get out there and try out various things, instead of holding myself back because I'm scared or I think that I won't be applying for the "right" job that will "lead me" in the right direction. I just need to try something! It'll be fun!!!

Tomorrow if work doesn't call me:

look and prepare for looking at getting accompanist jobs, then GET one!

I have other options, too, but I really just need to learn how much money you make playing piano. However, my other options that look promising would be to apply to be a waitress, bank teller, or CNA. However, I'll have to wait those because I don't have a real schedule with the job I have now, so I don't know what hours I can work.

Wishing!?

I'm trying figure out what to do about job-searching.

It's a lot harder than I expected... and I'm not a very hard worker when I don't want to be. So it's a lot for me to learn.

My nursing assistant job that I have is nice and everything. But it's on-call, so it's hard to get another job, and yet, I'm not working much because it's an irregular schedule-- random. Another nursing assistant on-call job would work best at the moment, so I could juggle both. But I'm indecisive because I don't really like it.

I was looking online at Wells Fargo bank teller jobs. You don't need a lot of experience, and they train you. I've done some sales before. (Maybe I should do more of that.) I mean... I would really like talking on the phone with people. I could keep learning languages on the side, and then start to actually use them in my position in the bank. It could be a really good thing! But being able to speak a language is hard to do through solely independent study, so it would be a challenge....

Of course, it's hard because I'm always thinking it's okay to work on Sabbath when you're in a health profession, but with a position at a business, I'd want to say no to working on Sabbath. (Sabbath means Saturdays-- I'm SDA, so, as much as I can, I don't do anything but have fun with friends and family and relax on Saturdays.)

But it IS an idea. I'd get paid less, though, but working as a nursing assistant is boring to me. I don't feel like I'm learning anything, except how to be a better nurse, and that is a career I'd like to avoid. But then, I might end up choosing it...?

Okay, so... right now, I need to get more work. I think... I need to be a nursing assistant for at least a year. I can get another job later, whether it be at a bank or a waitress at a restaurant, but for now, I need to go out and get more work as a CNA.

I have to be BRAVE!! ;-) Hee hee.

Happiness

I didn't write that title for any specific reason, but I guess I am pretty happy-- peaceful. I'm tired at the moment, after having unpacked our camper.

We went camping this weekend! I hadn't been planning on going-- I even waved to mom, dad, and Teddy, as they drove away... but then! Work called me off for Sabbath, and BAM I got to leave for the BEACH!!

I love the beach. Even when it rains. In fact, rain makes the beach more interesting. On sunny days, the horizon is a blue-grey sea, disappearing off into the distance, as if it has some sort of destination if you were to swim in that direction far enough-- something interesting and different. But when it's raining... it's cold, windy, and chaotic. The sea is darker, the sky is colorless and thoughtful, but the white fog and clouds hide things. On rainy days, the sea holds a secret. An un-discoverable secret!

Huuummmmm.

And when I was driving through the towns on the coast, it made me want to live there, in a little house, so I could go walking on the beach whenever I wanted. Hmmmm.

Final Revelation!

HAHAHA!!!

I figured it out. I figured out what I have to do!

It's okay that I'm uncertain. I'm not one of those motivated people who wants to work hard. At least, right now, I'm not one of those people, because I'm not confident. That's okay. I need to start slow.

But this whole time, I was trying to think a certain way-- I was WISHING that I had bigger dreams, but I DON'T. It's silly to force myself to want to do something. I was trying NOT to pick a "career" because I WISHED I had a desire for one, but since I DON'T want one, it's hard to force myself to have a preference.

So,  I've taken the nursing assistant course. I don't really like the job particularly, but it IS quite fun sometimes. I already have the education and I have held a job and I'm on my second one. I've taken some college classes that could count toward getting even higher education in nursing, and there is a program near me with which I become a Licensed Practical Nurse. My family wants me to get my college education over with, and I can't become a piano teacher without a bachelor's degree, but I need a better job to pay for that.

So I'm going to go to school to get an associates' degree and become a LPN. I have the experience and the program is available. I will probably have to go later (next year), since I don't have money for it now. Since I some of my college courses already taken and passed, I can learn Spanish, too, and be a translator or interpreter on the side. After I finish and get the licensed practical nurse job, I will save up to become a piano teacher. I can move away from home and start taking courses at a college that offers theory courses.

Then, I'll travel the world and learn languages! That is a little bit more of a ? mark. But someday, I want to go somewhere. As it turns out, you need money for that. That's why I need to get a more stable job, and learn how to effectively save money from it so that I can get a better education.

Yay!!! I guess I just needed a little pressure in order to realize that all this worrying is because I just needed to get an education... instead of being totally delighted with my career. This isn't a decision like marriage! I can change my career along the way, and I can be happy with my life regardless of my job.

Looong Conversations! Not Trusting Myself?

I'm so depressed. I'm talking with my mom (right at this moment, I'm typing while she's talking) and it's SOOOOOOOOO FFFRUSSSSTTRRRRATTTINNNGGGGGG!!!!

UUUUURRRRRR.

I just can't get through to her and that's okay. At least we're not having an actual fight. She just has all these ideas and she forgets when she's telling me what to do too much. Like, way TOOO much advice.

I'm going to start trusting myself. More. As it turns out, I'm mostly right about everything, relating to how my parents think and how we get along... I can trust myself and my instincts. Now I need to work on respecting them, because I can't change what they think. Respecting, and listening, instead of talking back. Letting things that others say just kind of... float away.

It's okay though! *sigh*

I have my own goals. I think that having goals must be a sort of thing you can't always explain to other people. It's okay if NOBODY understands except me.

AAAARRRGG!! The conversation has continued....

Cara: *bangs head repeatedly on laptop keyboard*  *stabs laptop screen violently with pen point* *snatches up all sharp objects in room, throws--*

Career Turmoil! Lovely Parents Give Advice that Conflicts! Shall I Choose My Own?

Talking with my dad about career options is a really difficult task. I mean, when it comes to gaining confidence and everything. for some reason, the foremost thing in his (and my mom's, too) mind is money. Money, money, money. And it makes sense, sure, because they want me to be able to support myself. I get that. But they're taking it too far. They seem to think that MOST JOBS won't make enough money unless it's something relating to health care.

Or maybe... maybe that's not it. It might be that right now, as I'm trying to choose my career, they need me to have confidence in my decision, and since I don't, it makes them nervous and they're doing their "part" in worrying for me-- OVERTIME.

It's sweet, but it's not helping. I need good, solid advice that tells the truth without all this. They're forgetting that the world has many careers to offer and just because they don't know about all those opportunities doesn't mean I won't be able to attain one of those career options that they don't have as much experience about. It must scare them to imagine me going out into the world and getting a job that they can't help me with-- something like interpreting or teaching music is more foreign to them and they can't imagine me doing well only because they don't know about it.

Does that make sense? I think that's what the problem is.

For me, it's very difficult to argue with them on this point (should I or shouldn't I choose this or that career....) because their point about the importance of job security and financial security is quite valid. What if they're right?  I don't even know, myself, if I can be successful with any line of work that isn't a straight path to a job, like health care. Most other careers are less secure because you get educated for them, but then the job options are variable and miscellaneous and not necessarily what you had in mind.

For instance, a career in linguistics would be where you learn about the forms of language, grammar, and patterns. You can be a teacher or a researcher in various institutions for schools and companies that do research. But when you get an education like that, you can't really be sure where or what your job will be like-- whether you'll start as an assistant, or you'll be typing up papers, or doing research in "the field"-- the type of jobs available are various. The same thing goes for other jobs. There are more options. And since both my parents went into health care, having more options is weird and scary and unknown for me.

Health care, on the other hand, is  stress-free in the respect that it leads directly to a job. You get a degree to be a doctor? You go apply to hospitals and be a doctor. You train to be a physical therapist? Go work in a nursing home, hospital, PT clinic, or other institution that hires physical therapists. Nursing, radiology, dentistry, optometry, pharmacy-- it's all basically the same-- health care education LEADS DIRECTLY to a job (that pays enough money to be moderately comfortable).

And I think that's what scares me, and what causes my parents to act this way. Health care careers are what they understand, and they don't know what it will be like for me if I choose something else, so they're worried. My dad seems to think that he has to start considering when to make me move out of the house-- which is understandable-- but he says this based on the idea that it is going to take me six to eight years to start making money.

I don't understand his reasoning!! I will eventually be able to move out and start working, at least as an accompanist, and pay for my own rent and all that. It will be hard, but I think I can do it. Daddy doesn't need to doubt me so much. It is soooo frustrating.

But I decided to write a post because I had (well, I was asking God what to do, and he told me this) a thought-- "Your parents' belief in you isn't what is going to help you do well in the world." I don't have to get their approval!! It's kind of disappointing to say out loud, since I really like that idea of "believing" in other people, as a philosophy. But in the end, you can't expect the people around you, as supportive and loving as they are, to ever COMPLETELY understand you. And in my case, at least, I can't expect my family to support me with their beliefs in me.

Of course, I haven't been very successful in life, by outside appearances and normal standards (making money, being able to move out) and it's no wonder they don't trust me. But regardless of that, it's still very difficult for me to make this sort of decision when their advice is so cleanly slicing at my confidence. I mean, I nearly, NEARLY agreed with them a few times there. My mom and dad's advice about careers is good, for the most part, but when it comes to actually PICKING a career, I have to pick it for MY OWN reason.

I am learning, slowly, that I have to make this decision, myself. I'm on my own. The more I realize that, the more I can make it true.

I think that because my parents are having such trouble trusting me, and because I let that affect how I feel, it might be GOOD for me to move out when it's actually possible. That might mean that after I save up enough money to start those music classes, I should move to the area where we have a state college here, and start living at the college while I take the classes. If I do that, I can start my music-associated career (playing piano for events and possibly teaching privately) in order to pay my own bills.

So next thing on the list is...: make a lot of money this year so I have some to pay for college classes while I'm working... to pay for rent. Also, work on my studies so that I can audition for music scholarships and apply for regular scholarships.

SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN!!! :) :) :)

WoRk DaY! sUnDaY!

I have a mild earache in my right ear. It hurts to move my jaw sometimes, depending on the level of the swelling throughout the day. Right now, there are swimmers-ear ear-drops inside, and I can hear my heart beating-- tum tum. Tum tum. Tum tum. Tum tum.

It's weird.

Aaahhh!! Tickles!!

Work was good. I did fine. I feel like I can talk to people without being so shy now! Lunch was yummy, but right now my stomach feels as empty as ... as... the deepest place in the ocean where nothing goes or swims or grows. I am sooo tired, though. After this bit, I'm going to go and look for another job-- where I can play piano-- if I have the time for it.

*Bhuu huu wahh....* My ear is throbbing.

A guy I met at work was talking with me about how you can't trust your co-workers not to rag on you when you do something imperfect. He was complaining about how he gets in trouble all the time, and called to the office, about things he thinks people should just stop being so nosy about. Following rules, playing music loudly in his car, peeling away down the road after work, those sorts of things. Actually, I agree with him, but it's interesting to me how much people like to complain. About everything. If you can't complain about other people, then complain about how they're complaining about you. You've got to complain about something, or there won't be anything to talk about!

Apparently.

'Course... I kinda just did it too.

Random Daily Entry!

You know how people talk about "creative outlet"s? Well, TV is not a creative outlet. It's a creative INLET. Which means you're being lazy.

I love TV. I don't want to be lazy. But I am. Urrrg.

This is a really random post.

Anyway, here are my "goal-activities" I want to keep thinking about. Also below that I'll type my... "life-points".

1) Pray 
2) Beauty
3) FAT loss 
4) Bible 
5) Music 
6) Language

1. Pray. Talk to God about stuff, never shut him out, and when I do, tell him I'm sorry. Ask if I'm doing wrong things. Talk to him in the morning and at night, and during the day. Most of all, remember he has a PLAN for my life and I'm being silly by worrying about all this career-picking, as if it's solely my responsibility!!!

2. Beauty: I need to start taking care of myself, and considering "looks" important, instead of telling myself they're not. If I do that, I'm denying how I feel. I DO think looks are important. This probably sounds dumb to other people, but I grew up thinking it was really really "bad" to be "vain"... and looking at yourself in the mirror, and taking to long to make yourself pretty, and all that. For some reason, it's important to me-- a LOT. So I'm going to make it my number 2 goal :) Like, when I WALK OUT OF MY ROOM I should be happy with how I look, or even, ALL the time.

3) FAT loss: well, what it sounds like. I'm trying to be more negative-- or... TRUTH-TELLING-- about it in order to take it seriously. :) TAKE IT SERIOUSLY!!! Eat healthier, listen to my stomach, and exercise!

4) Bible: studies! Read SOMETHING each day.

5) Music: more studies. Enjoy it! This includes piano practice and theory, both. Dividing them is dumb, they're one and the same. Practice and study theory!

6) Language: my third study thing. Have fun!! This includes Japanese (now) and Spanish, which I haven't started yet, but need to finish before Japanese. Five characters and Spanish verbs!


Lifepoints!
A. Other people. Always care about other people's feelings more than mine. If I do that wholly, then my feelings will BE theirs, and I WILL be happy. Other people are what my life is about-- but that's just my opinion. :) If I don't do this, I am normally very selfish. So it won't hurt a thing.

B. Me. Draw a line for MY boundary and the location of other people's boundaries. Before I care for others, I have to take care of myself to some extent or I'll be on the street after giving my belongings to the poor. That doesn't do any good for myself OR others. You get what I mean, right?

So even though other people's feelings come first, in the most basic way I do have to care for myself first, or I won't be able to be there for others in the way that really is necessary. I want to be someone with family and friends who can depend on me, and vice versa. I'm now on my way to become that person, but I'll probably not ever be perfect, so I shouldn't stand around "waiting" for something. I have to GO for it, and enjoy the moment, as well as the thought of the future.

ONE MORE THING! I'm not trying hard enough. I'm not going through any pain in my life-- and even though this sucks-- it's true that through suffering and hardship you will get good things. I need to study in order to be happy in my life, with a career (and a way to support myself). I've been saying I need to create a schedule. And I have done that, but I don't take it very seriously, and when I don't get it done, I don't worry about it. NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!! I have to make this HARD on myself and get PASSIONATE when I don't do well. I'm the type of person who is really GOOD at beating herself up. x_x  So why don't I take advantage of that? Because I listen to all those people who say, "Take it easy!" or "Don't be so hard on yourself!" Well, I'm not listening to them anymore. When I do those things, that's when I fail. I am a natural PERFECTIONIST and a WINNER, not someone who forgives herself for a failure that didn't need to happen! I'm going to try harder now.

Well... there was some rambling for you! I will be re-reading this later, though, because it's coming from my heart. I really want to change these things.

New Excitement!

I'm really excited. I think I believe I can do this now. :) (Did that sound sure at all? :)

I've been so worried about making enough money in my career, that I haven't considered picking what I WANT to do. I need to stop thinking that way! I won't be rich, and that's OKAY. I'll learn how to find clothes that are nice without spending tons of money, and I don't need to live in an city with high living-costs or have a fancy apartment. I'll go to colleges that are less costly and I'll work my butt off for scholarships, grants, and good grades. I'll get low-interest loans only. I won't buy things I don't need, I'll do my own pedicures and spa treatments, and I'll exercise outsides instead of paying for a club membership. I'll save money carefully for a used car that runs well, but I'll use a bike to go places close-by. I won't color my hair and I'll be stingy with cosmetics and shampoo. I'll buy cheaper fruits, eat oatmeal for breakfast, make my own wheat bread, munch on rice, and drink filtered water instead of buying soda, juice, or coffee.

I'm going to play the piano to my heart's content, explore new languages, revel in knowledge I get from school, take pride in my work ethic, read the Bible for devotions, and learn to sing and dance with confidence and peace in my heart.

Decision.... ?.

Physical therapy, but music first, as an undergraduate degree.... working as a nursing assistant and an accompanist.

Time to Clean and Work Out!

It worked! I slept a long time, at night, when it was DARK! Ha ha ha...

I'm going to go and do a lot of cleaning and working out!!

Maybe I should think about not reading stories or watching them (before bed) but instead doing something CREATIVE, like drawing. Creative outlet=relaxing.

CLEANING!!! WORKING OUT!!!!

Depressed.

 When my dad comes into my room and asks what I'm doing about looking for another job, then tells me not to waste my time, (he found me watching TV on my laptop,) I get very upset inside. Upset, like... sad, worried, discouraged, and especially-- lost.

I don't know how to handle criticism and helpful advice, do I? :)

I'm letting myself worry about all these tasks I have ahead of me, during the next week (and tomorrow). I look at all those tasks, all at once, and my range of vision isn't wide enough. So I freak out, and hide by doing something unrelated, like watching TV.

(Plus there's this thing where my sleep schedule is messed up and I can't sleep at night, so I sleep in the afternoon. It's my fault, I think, so "can't" is an incorrect word. But it worries and frustrates me, and it's hard to be "on track" with tasks I need to finish when I'm not awake during the day.)

But it helps to read my past diary entries. I just have to remind myself to:

- quit doubting in myself...

and--

- focus on small tasks!

:) OKAY. I'm good!! I think I'll go to sleep in an hour. I worked out a lot today, and I will probably be able to sleep.
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Schedule Idea!

I had a thought about making a schedule, syllabus, or something like that... for a set of weeks... about all those goals I'm always talking about. (I tried it a while ago for specifically weight loss, but I lost motivation.) I've also decided I need to learn Spanish before I get too much into the Japanese. I could get my Spanish down much faster, especially since (haha) I know its alphabet, at least!

I'll develop a week by week schedule of things I'll do, every day, like a teacher might assign for a class. The only thing different about this is that they're not "assignments" as they are more like "study periods" in which I need to learn a certain amount of information, or read something. I think I've picked too many things~~

Bible (reading chapters)
Spanish (grammar and vocabulary)
Piano (practice - exercises and pieces)
Theory (Music, beginner)
Japanese (characters)
Weight loss (diet+exercise)

Haha. Yeah. A bit much, right? So I either have to cut some out, learn how to focus really really well and continue with this plan, or divide them up and work on them, just even and odd days.

Basically, I'd be studying each subject for half an hour a day or so. It's like school, but I'm re-teaching myself how to study, independently, which could help me be much more efficient than I normally am. I know that doing lots of subjects in one day might help me focus better, simply because it's less boring, and less boring means it takes more energy--I'll be jumping into new tasks (and subjects) more often.

It's a good idea. The important-est thing, though, is that I don't let myself slack off after I've tried this. I have to keep trying, each day-- it's my consistency that is the problem more than my motivation. I have strong motivation... but I lose it fast. I have to keep up the strong motivation, and I'll be unstoppable!! Hee hee.

Once I make a schedule, I'll put it in a post so I feel like it's a bigger deal, and I'll take it seriously.

This is exciting.

Here I go....

A Boring Tuesday!

I woke up at noon yesterday, but I got up in time for work. When I called to make sure they needed me, there was confusion and the lady on the phone told me I was "called off". (If there aren't a certain number of residents in-house, they call off an assistant, and I'm last on the list, so I that would mean I don't work.)

But oopsie! I was actually supposed to go. So I was an entire hour late! Haha. :)

Working is fun. I meet a lot of elderly people, and even though caring for them might be messy, it's also amazingly fun to get to know their funny personalities, talk about life, joke around with them, and care for them when they need help. They're actually quite adorable.

It is also a good way for me to learn to be a less prideful person. Everybody is always saying, "Cara, you're so nice" and I'm thinking inside, "Yeah, that's what you think!!" So ultimately, I'm actually a lot more stuck up than they know. Doing a hard job like this might not be able to cure me of my hidden snobby thoughts, but at least I deserve being praised if and when I am praised, because I really did hard work. I'll just have to learn not to be so sensitive when people tell me I've done a good job.

I don't want to be impressed with myself because other people are impressed with me-- instead, I've got to be confident in myself because I really have done a good job.

A sweet guy named Freddy can't talk, so we use this hardback clipboard with papers stuck to it, that have words and letters that he can point to, when he wants to tell us something. The things he says might be "pain pill", "RN", "wash face" or "drink". It is very hard to understand him, but it's so much fun when I figure out what he wants. Today, he was spelling things for me by pointing at the letters. First, he said, "W-H-A-T-E I-S I-T?"

And I was like... "Uhhhh.... I'm sorry.... I don't.... Mmm...."

It was the "E" that was confusing me. But as it turns out, he was sticking an "E" in there for no reason. It MIGHT have actually meant something... but eventually, I figured out that he was trying to say, "What is it?"

By the time Freddy had showed me those letters five times through, he was pointing especially vigorously, more like... "What IS it?!!"

It was fruity orange-lemon-pudding stuff! Poor Freddy. But he's persistent, so finally, he was able to get me to understand... and he got to eat his food! He ate it all up, too.

Later that yesterday, he spelled out some very confusing words that I never completely understood, but included a sentence that ran along the lines of... "I am... the... with you... joy" and "happy with you".

Apparently, Freddy was happy that I was able to communicate with him! I was doing a good job! (My job is to make people happy while helping them through daily-life-activities, basically.) He enjoyed the fact that he could communicate by pointing and motioning, and I could understand. Imagine not being able to speak or write-- it would be CRAZY annoying. It's no wonder Freddy enjoys it when people finally can talk to him and--moreover-- understand. To be misunderstood or ignored is like being alone... because human relationships, without some kind of communication, (physical, verbal, nonverbal, eye contact, facial expressions, language, music) are not relationships at all!

That was a nice little thing at work. :)

Boring Tuesdays are great. (I don't mean boring negatively. Boring to me equals normal.)

Doubts are LIES!

I was watching Death Note, and something obvious occurred to me. Something obvious that I never noticed.

(Don't tell me anything. I'm only halfway through.) My idea popped up when he said something like, "You know, if you use your head, you can eat as many sweets as you like without gaining any weight." How reckless! For someone like me, that's like smacking science in the face.

People, like L, who are confident that if they want to do something, they can just do it. That... is a powerful belief.

It's not hard to attain this belief-- because it's so easy to lose it. I've lost it before, and I'll lose it again, but right now, I know what it is... --

Believing in yourself is just an absence of doubt. It's not necessarily important to phrase it like "believe in yourself" but more to stop doubting yourself.

Trying to make a decision is difficult enough when you don't believe you can do it half the time, because you are allowing yourself to doubt things unnecessarily.

It's important not to confuse this idea by believing in things that aren't logical, such as bungee-jumping to heal a broken hip, or trying to put yourself into a pre-defined physical stereotype when your physical self simply doesn't fit.... What I really mean when I say "things that aren't logical" is that you must determine what is a lie and what isn't.

Doubts are lies.

So when I don't know what career to pick, I'm letting myself get ten times more confused by thinking "I would likely NOT succeed in that career" about every single one-- if I think I can't succeed by going down those paths, it's no wonder I feel like my available choices suck!

I know, you're thinking, "You didn't realize this before? It's so DUH."

Well, it helps me a lot. Honestly... a lot of people doubt themselves and hold themselves back. Just imagine what you could do... if you had the ability to raise your eyebrows to a challenge, smile inside and out, then move forward with purpose. What could you accomplish, if you picked your challenges not based on your ability, but on your desire to reach something?

And with all barriers gone, what do I really want?

My fear... is a dark illusion. I can BRUSH IT AWAY LIKE SMOKE.

Doubting again: Confused!

AAAA!!! I went to work today for the first time by myself, no orientating-- it was ALL ME. And I did fine! So far. I think this will work out!

I was thinking about how I wanted to choose music as my major... and I'm afraid it's a dumb idea... again... (self-doubts... digging hole for self... I'm melting....)

Really, though... I mean, logically-- maybe I should choose a more stable career to start with. I have to look into the options. I HATE LOOKING INTO OPTIONS. It's so much decision making. UGGGGH.

I dunno if I want to be involved in health stuff anymore. I could be a nurse, though, or a... podiatrist... ooh, I know, one of those doctors who does autopsies. No, I changed my mind. I barely get by as a nursing assistant caring for old people, it definitely wouldn't be better to take care of people who are dead.

SIGH. Okay. I will just have to analyze this for a while. Here, so you know what I'm *actually* considering...

CRAZY IDEA                 WOULD LOVE IT      SAFER JOB SECURITY
music teacher in Japan      Language Interpreter     physical therapist
   and in the US later       (Japanese especially)      pharmacist
                                                                            nurse
                                                                            doctor of some sort (cancer, feet, kids,
                                                                                surgeon, ER)
                                                                            speech pathologist (helps people
                                                                                speak, form words)

I had a thought when I was watching a dumb GAP commercial. "That's the thing about style-- if everybody liked your style, you couldn't call it that."

Sudden Idea!!

I just realized something really important. (Imagine a giant flashing lightbulb here.)

See, I have bad habits sometimes, and I just figured out one of them that's affecting me NEGATIVELY, in a way I didn't realize!

I eat before I go to bed, a lot. Not only is that bad for my teeth and my weight loss attempts, but it makes me less hungry in the morning. It's no wonder it's harder for me to get up in the morning! Not that other people are starving in the morning when they wake up and that's the only reason they get out of bed-- but this, at least, would really help me to wake up a LOT better!

More than anything, I wake up for food. Like... ALWAYS. If NOTHING else gets me up, my desire to eat something breakfast-like or any-meal-like will get me up. Sometimes, I even wake up in the middle of my sleeping time, eat while half-awake, then go back to sleep.

I'm going to stop eating late at night, like, really seriously. It's a bad habit for a lot of other reasons, too, so this is pretty great. Probably about two hours before bed, I'll not eat, unless I'm über hungry. Yay weightloss and waking up before seven AM!

Priorities Re-organize! Final??...

Today, I got up late in the afternoon, and I didn't really know what to do next. THAT is why I've been so intent on cementing "priorities" into my head-- because I don't really have any. I don't feel strongly pulled to complete some sort of goal-- it's hard to have goals when you haven't finished school, but you're not IN school, either.

I'm lost with WHAT to do when I'm not directed... so I have to direct myself, and develop a regular routine of activities!

I need to do things because I HAVE to, as part of that routine. I'm going to start every day less like a to-do list from now on, and more like a routine. That's my problem-- I never develop a routine so that everything I do in the morning is some ridiulously difficult life-decision. Instead, I just have to LIVE!

If I DO want to make lists to remind myself of things, I have to take it seriously and come back to it the next day, EVEN WHEN I DON'T WANT TO.

If I want to spend my time studying, then that's what my life will be filled with-- studying-- not "accomplishments". I can't think of them as accomplishments-- or finished tasks-- but as my regular routine. "Accomplishing" is more limited because when you finish one task, you still need to do it again the next day. I'm obviously thinking about it in the wrong way. Until I learn how to be consistent with things, I can't look at tasks like a game anymore, because it's never-ending-- there ISN'T a finish line yet.

I made a better priorities list-- it's basically the same, except a little bit rearranged.

1. pray
2. work
3. beauty
4. fatloss
5.|| 
6. BIBLE
7. PIANO
8. THEORY
9. JAPANESE

(CAPITALIZED=studies
lowercase=regular
|| is "pause")

This order works a lot better.  It's time to take them more seriously, make a routine out of them, and do it even when I don't want to.

I had a bad night! Part Three.

Wednesday night's craziness began when Daddy asked me how my job search was going. He was worried because of his evil but perfectly understandable ultimatum-- that if I didn't get a job, I'd miss our family vacation to the lake.

Frustrated, I knew that with only a few hours of Thursday's morning left to secure a job, I couldn't make any more progress. Either I'd found a job by the deadline, or I hadn't and I would have to find out in the time that my family was on vacation, and maybe search further while I stayed home.

I tried to explain that we could only "wait-and-hope" at this point to Daddy, but I was so cavalier about it (how I usually am about deadlines) that he was incensed almost immediately.

(I was a little mad that he was asking me The Stupid Question, yet AGAIN, and my anger didn't help. Of course it really wasn't a stupid question, I was just so irritated by it!! He asked it EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. Sometimes I'd run away down the stairs when he got home in the evening, just to avoid the stupid question.)

Daddy would have rathered I just LISTEN to his reprimanding. I didn't handle that well. Mom was there too, interjecting, and telling me that I should just be quiet or that I shouldn't say this or that.

Somehow in the midst of the talking, and the me-arguing, Mom brought up my laptop. She doesn't like it that I watch TV instead of doing other useful stuff. Or at least, that it takes up too much of my time. And she's right-- I don't know how to balance my time. I spend too much time watching TV and not enough cleaning house, eating healthily, exercising, studying, searching for a job, etc. Watching TV makes me lazy. It holds me down, and I LET IT. I haven't been admitting that to myself. I never do.

Mom seemed to know how to solve the problem. "Why don't you leave your laptop upstairs tonight?" AKA, don't watch TV tonight.

"No, I'm not going to do that," was my response. I was irrationally stubborn about it, and it went back and forth like that for a while.

"I'm going to take it from you, Cara."

"You can't do that. Just leave it alone, okay?" I felt like an addict or something. It was so embarrassing, it made me giggle. But it was horrible.

So I picked up my baby and took it downstairs, then stuck it in my couch-side stand drawer, where I thought she wouldn't find it. But who could imagine what would happen next? I didn't imagine it, or I would have taken my laptops down to the garage and stuffed them in a box along with the sleeping bags.

I was messing around in the laundry room, which is across the corridor from my room. When I looked up from taking care of some of Mom's laundry, there she was, skulking around in my room. She was peering in drawers.

"Cara, where's your other laptop?"

She'd taken my blue one, the one I use solely for studying. I was so furious-- this was totally crazy.

"That is not cool, Mom."

"Where is it? I'm taking it."

"NO, you're not, you don't know where it is."

"Cara, you tell me right now. I'm taking it. You can't be allowed to have it."

 I walked away.

"Cara, you tell me RIGHT NOW!"

I looked back over my shoulder, laughing. "Mad now?"

I didn't realize it then, but I doubt she was as mad as I was. It was just ME who was mad-- because I was slowly losing control. It's the worst feeling for me-- losing control.

My mother, to me, was acting... well, I don't want to be disrespectful. But I knew she shouldn't have done it.

I told her, too. I went into her room, and yelled at her.

"This is the kind of decision I have to make myself! What do you think it will be like when you're GONE, Mom? You're going to be DEAD! Really DEAD! I won't have you here, and there won't be anybody to take away my laptop! I'm twenty-one! This is not the right way to help me!"

I was so angry. I hissed, possessed with passionate anger, "I will never do this to my children. You do NOT know what you're doing. And I hope that hurts." With that, I exited.

Well, it wasn't much of an exit. As soon as I walked out, I hurried back in, and said, "I'm sorry, Mom, I'm really sorry. That was horrible. I'm sorry."

Mom just kind of did this weird laugh-- like she felt bad, but she more just thought.. I was crazy. Really crazy. Like, an addict, doing anything she can to get back her relief-- her high.

I was horrified at my behavior. What was the big deal? I felt out of control? So what? Why couldn't I go and do something else? I didn't have to watch anime or TV every night. But-- I was SOO upset that someone could just take something away from me like that, and that I couldn't stop them. I hadn't expected a feeling like this.

Tears welling up, I walked out of Mom's room. As I headed past the stairs, down the entryway, into the kitchen, I spotted my dad messing around with something foodlike, and at the sight of him, I rabbit-sidestepped to the left into the small hallway leading to the office, then whirled into a small two-door bathroom.

I faced the mirror, head down as my eyes filling with salty water, each having become their own small puddle. With both hands, I shut both doors to the sides of me and pushed in the locks with a quiet click. My heart was pounding with anger at my mother. Her actions were ridiculous. My tears dripping, slowed down my cheeks. I was angry, but I was giving up. I couldn't fight this battle.

Leaning against the door I'd come through, I sat for a while, then pushed myself until I was lying down on my side, in front of the toilet. My tears calmed and so did my heart, breathing, and self. The nightlight's flashing-- bright white when I came in, darkened to a sinister red. It was slow and gradual, but it seemed to me it seemed fast and flashing, so I jumped up, yanked it out of the plug, tossed it onto the counter, then resumed my position on the floor.

Then I listened.

Lying on the floor was calming. I could hear others walking past the door, but no one called for me. I was safe inside this little room. I was safe, listening to my breaths, with only simple thoughts running through my mind, and flat against the smooth, stable floor.

Lying there in the dark, I realized something I wouldn't have if my mother hadn't have stolen my laptops. I AM addicted. Yes. Like a drug. I need TV to help me feel calm. Without it, I can't sleep. Without it, I can't stop my scary thoughts of failures from running through my head, over and over, like a powerful, sucking tornado. I act like a crazy person when people try to take away that drug. But this feeling now... it feels just like TV. This feeling of calm, of empty thoughts, of safety, and... I can breathe. I'm breathing right now. In and out. TV is an easier solution, but it... feels the same as this does.

Maybe I should do THIS more, so I don't let TV take me away for such long periods of time. Kind of like, meditation, or just plain thinking... resting... a different form of sleep.

Finally, after a long time, I rose and went about other activities. Secretly, I decided  that tomorrow, I would search the house when Mom went out on errands. When I found my laptops, especially my favorite baby, I would just take it and hide it in a really good spot, even proving that I didn't need it. For a while, I consoled myself with this thought-- it was the only power I had. But after a while-- I even tried sticking my head in my Mom's room for a moment-- I couldn't make myself search. I realized-- if I DO go and search, I'll be being JUST as CHILDISH as my mother was being to me! I can't do that. It's too ridiculous. I was angry enough at her actions to hold out. I told her that later, too.

As it turned out, my mother never had much of a plan. I am continually mad that she did it, but the results were eventually positive. I ended up getting my laptops back without much problem later the next day, even though I don't feel like I really deserved them, now that I realize (from lying on the bathroom floor) how real my problem is.

I now realize, my mom isn't very good with discipline. She's got great ideas, but she can't stick to them. I know how she feels, I have a hard time sticking to rules I've created for myself, or others, as well. It's kind of a boundaries problem-- and it's important for me to admit her problem because it affected the way I grew up and the way I make decisions. I can't just ignore this out of respect for her, as damaging as stating this might be. I've got to learn how to exercise self-control when it comes to my boundaries of self-- the decisions I make about relating to others, and the decisions I make about myself are all about my own boundaries that I have to create for ME. And that's because... apparently, nobody taught me in a way that I would learn it. But now, I think I'm getting it! SLOOOWWWLY.

Thursday morning, I was all nerves and terrified. I called my potential employer, but I couldn't get a hold of the director or anyone who could actually help me. What could I do? I was supposed to wait for a call, and I'd already tried to contact them instead. What could I do?--

Nothing.

I finally came to the point where I was sitting on my bed, clutching my cell phone desperately. I was done crying, but my face was still all covered with tears of frustration and the knowledge that all my efforts were futile. I had absolutely no control, I realized, in the end. It was too late.

I could look to my heart's content in the following weeks before September 1. I knew I could find one, because there were hundreds of other options here in New Brighton.

But I needed an answer NOW.

It was 1 o'clock. At nine in the morning, I had five hours to learn if I could secure the job. Now, it was TIME TO GO.

I hated the desperation of that moment, but it felt good, in a way, because I had done all that I could, even though it didn't feel like it.

I didn't know what to do. I was really, really, REALLY worried about something I couldn't do a thing about.

As I sighed tortuously again, I suddenly heard my ringtone.

”はやくでて！”  My phone was crying in Japanese-- ""Moe, Hayaku dete!" (Hurry and pick up!)

My eyes widened in surprise and I gasped with disbelief. I was laughing the entire time the phone was ringing!

"No WAY!" I yelled. In a second, I had checked the caller ID-- unknown.

It was who I wanted it to be. As I spoke to the woman on the phone, I was fearful that the news I wanted to hear would be the complete opposite. But it wasn't! In fact, she apologized for calling me so late, as if she'd forgotten, and even referred to herself as a "flake".

*Whew*

As you can guess, I ended up going on vacation. The trip with my mother in the car ended up going exceptionally. She had forgotten both her wallet and license, and I had brought mine, so I got to drive our trailer (with the bikes, canoe, and kayaks) for a while. Throughout the entire trip, I got closer to my family more than I'd expected. It was delightful! Besides the fighting. Haha.

So. What did I learn from this experience? The biggest thing, the thing that I most want this blog entry to communicate, was the way I felt when I was lying on the floor. I admitted that I was being affected by TV, in a way I hadn't believed. I had no idea my love of anime and TV was so strong that it was pulling me away. I thought I was in control, and I wasn't. Even now, I think I'm still not doing well with this.

So I'm thinking, it would help, BEFORE I  start a TV watching session, I should always do one of these activities, for at least ten minutes-- not doing anything but LYING DOWN or SITTING:

lying on a floor somewhere, it doesn't have to be with the door closed, but it might be more effective if I'm alone.

going outside somewhere, take a blanket, or sit in a tree, and close my eyes.

go somewhere in a room and turn all the lights off, assume a position, and stay there.

lie on a couch.

sit in a yoga position.

sit on a table or desk.

Basically, sit or lie down anywhere that's peaceful. Do it frequently, and before involving myself in any stories-- books, audio, or TV. This would be fun. I've tried this a few times and it feels very good. The fact that I came up with this is pretty good, because as it turns out, this is a method similar that psychologists use for people addicted to things. It's perfect. If I find a harmless substitute, I can avoid getting pulled into watching TV without involving my will.

Also, I'll look really weird to other people. Haha! Yay. I'm going to try all those ideas above. Winter, here I come. I'm not giving up.

New Clothes!

 I want to lose weight! I have all these clothes I want to buy. You know, the cool kind!

I haven't been shopping for entire outfits for... two years? Wait... each year, starting in the fall, ending in the summer...

 2007 to 2008..........2008-2009..........2009-2010.......... yeah, right now, it's exactly three years since I went and bought three dresses for high school graduation. I'm being stubborn about it, see, because I want to buy clothes that fit me at the size I want to be.

I'm getting there! I'll buy black tights, earmuffs, and boots with heels, if they're not too tall!! I'll be looking for trench-style winter coats, maybe with some fur, maybe not... and lots of buttons. I really like those knit gloves that show your fingers, too. I have two pairs already.

I also want lots of shoes that make my feet look tiny. I'll buy a few purses, but I don't really like purses that much, so maybe I won't need more than two or three.

I'm going to buy one of those knit tops that goes down to the thigh, with a turtle-neck. Then I'll wear thigh-high opaque stockings. I really don't know how to put outfits together, so it'll be a bit of work for a while.

I also want to buy a lot of dresses! With little sweaters to go over top, or jackets, plus heels, tennis shoes, slippers, boots, stockings... and I'll need a nice messenger bag for my homework.

And jeans and t-shirts! Ooooh, I just love the simplicity of it. I want some t-shirts with my favorite anime stuff on it. And some very cute tennies, especially, and I'll put my hair up curly in a ponytail, or I'll just straighten it.

I want my style to imply happiness, elegance, perhaps something musical. I never want to stop dancing.

Maybe by then, I'll get some of those rocker-girl style bangs, low into my eyes. And layers-- lots of chunky layers.

When it gets cold, I'll use my earmuffs, or a cute hat like the ones they always use on animes to show someone is from Paris. And scarfs!! I really like winter, with its frost, the foggy breaths, crunchy ground in the morning, wrapping up when it's time to go out, tea, and the crying, oceanic rain!

I miss this stuff. Shopping is fun, but I've held myself back. That's not cool. I've got to do my best at this!! I have to win this battle. Here I come, winter.

Finishing Tasks and Not Quitting Before You Do!

Sometimes-- well, often-- I quit what I've started... I don't finish. I don't like it when I do that, but lately I'm not very good at continuing with a task, at all. I know why, though! I figured it out! When I'm in the middle of a task-- say, practicing piano-- I just need to think, "I'll be done soon" or "eventually" or "at five-o-clock."

I just need to focus on the end-- on finishing! It's like, the ultimate acceptance of reality-- that thing I'm not so good at-- where you have to admit that there comes a time when you needed to have that task finished. But if you just think, "I'll be done by...(insert time here)..." then you'll be able to do it!

Sara's Get Confidence in Life Plan!

Sara's Get Confidence in Life Plan:

-- TAKE IT SLOWLY.

code!
B - Bible
W - Work
F - Fatloss
b|| - beauty/pause
P - Piano
T - Theory
J -  Japanese


now, daily (6 days/wk):
1/2 hr B 
W
Find another job
F
b||
1/2 hr P
1/2 hr T
1/2 hr J
SLEEP EVERY NIGHT
--all 6 days a week.


Autumn qtr (sept-dec),  daily (6 days/wk): 
1/2 hr B 
W
F
b||
1 hr P
1/2 hr T
1/2 hr J
SLEEP EVERY NIGHT
--all 6 days a week.

Winter qtr (jan-march),  daily (6 days/wk):
1/2 hr B 
W
F
b||
Finish all Theory Homework, class 3 days a week
1/2 hr P
1/2 hr J
SLEEP EVERY NIGHT
--all 6 days a week.


Spring qtr (april-june),  daily (6 days/wk):
1/2 hr B 
W
F
b||
Finish all Theory Homework, class 3 days a week, B4 other studies.
1 hr P
1 hr J
SLEEP EVERY NIGHT
--all 6 days a week.

Summer: work FULL time, 4+ish hours of piano, 1 hour of workout, OR more classes if possible.

2nd year: all classes, plus work, no independent studies-- all for CREDIT.
theoryII, piano lessons, language, other

3rd year: all classes, plus work, no independent studies-- all for CREDIT.
theory III, music history, piano lessons, language

4th year: all classes
all other music, language, piano lessons