Listening. クリスマス。 Doing Better.

So, last night I talked with my Dad again... but guess what?

I.

Listened.

EEEEK!

Well I guess I don't care about the listening much as part as that I

Did.

Not.

Cry.

I did not feel overly-pressured. I --

could.

handle.

it.

Without arguing.

Well, not too much. X)

Basically, my Dad was telling me that this week, I HAVE to focus on looking for jobs. This week. Well? It doesn't freak me out too much. I want to do it.

Usually, not arguing is hard for me because it's fearfully difficult for me to deal with pressure, so I make excuses, but also, he talks for a long, detailed, time, (saying things I disagree with) making me want to interrupt all the more. So I listened to his orders, which he is very careful to explain in DETAIL like he has many times before, and I told myself over and over that it's okay and he's right and that I sincerely agree BUT also that I have my own plans. That I'm not plan-less and opinion-less and that I am mature and grown-up and that I will succeed.... And kinda contrary to his opinion, that my dreams are worth something big.

After that ordeal, which wasn't much of an ordeal in comparison to other similar situations :) ...
I realized I had been wearing on my head my Claire's (accessories) silver princess crown, the whole time I was talking with Dad.

LOL. Haha. Oh well.

We ended the conversation on my own statement! Actually I do that a lot anyway :) (I'm kind of a stubborn snobby daughter) And I said, "I just don't want to be treated badly because of my past actions anymore." Or something like that. Maybe not a very nice thing to say, and certainly it's asking for a lot (too much?) but I need to think better of myself now.

So what am I doing about this? Well, my plans are to get my life organized and be at peace with everything that goes on in it. I don't want to be monumentally worried all the time just because I'm not controlling my own actions. That means I want to get IT together. That means I want to get a job. It's on the list. Metaphorically.

The best way to put it is that I'm working on scheduling myself. I am customizing my planner and making a sort of weekly schedule with activities like piano, Japanese, job-searching, volunteering (piano playing), house-cleaning and singing (for example). I will make short term (daily) and longer term goals, backed by reasons. I also am using Textfugu's cool method of making a list of excuses for why I should quit, which I can use to remind myself that those excuses are retarded. Eh. I mean misguided.  Also, I'm making goals for each day; basically, I assign myself tasks, which I complete by doing them regularly as habits or "traditions".

I have yet to get myself organized, but that's the idea I'm going for.

I've also started translating stuff all over the place. I've restarted Shugo Chara / しゅごチャラ！ without subtitles :) !

And, today I watched the first episode of Kamikaze Kaitou Jeanne / 神風怪盗ジャンヌ (Divine Wind Phantom Thief Jeanne is the long translation).

And for both those animes, I usually stop and write out the song lyrics in kana and kanji, working toward pronunciation, then understanding it or translating it to English. I learn a lot of new words this way, and I remember them best because I'm not bored and I can connect it to lifelike stories which I love.

One more thing I'm doing is listening to my audio CDs of the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. (amazon) (zondervan) It's useful (...so far...) and has lots to do with my issues with being myself naturally, standing up for opinions, and especially deciding where my boundaries are so I don't have to worry about my responsibilities so much.

I'm thinking of where I stand. There are SOME things I DO NOT need to change about myself (for other people). Also, there are influences of others that I can IGNORE; by which, I mean there are things I can stop worrying about.

Haha... well, it's kind of like I don't care about others' feelings as much. That sounds awful, but it was putting a lot of strain on MY emotions... plus my life isn't going well at all, career/education-wise, so if I don't change something about myself there's not much point in my existence (I only mean that theoretically and also a bit dramatically).

Anyway, it's 11:00 and I've got to get out of my room to clean house. We've got the housekeeper (I like to say "maid" X) coming today and ironically, we clean up before she gets here at 12:30. Haha.

No, maybe that's not ironic, silly me, how else can she clean the counters and floors under the enormous amount of clutter and Christmas decoration Rubbermaid containers and cardboard boxes?

Hee hee SO! here is how to spell Christmas in Japanese!

クリスマス 

Which you say like this: "Ku-ree-soo-mass" (pronounce the syllables lightly, and clipped.) If you like romaji better, it looks like this: "kurisumasu"

Well, anyway, that's probably right. Source: myself. Not anybody Japanese. I'm an authority, can't you tell? No, I'm not. That's sarcasm.

And here are some snowflakes for Christmas. ✢ ✣ ✤ ✥ ✱ ✲ ✳ ✴ ✵ ✶✻ ✼ ❄ ❅ ❆ ❉ ❊ ❋
✽ ✾ ✿ ❀ ❁ ❃ ❋

Boundaries and Independence

I think I'm really getting the hang of this "independence" thing.

I've got to stop letting other people change my opinions over and over.

I'm separating myself.

Becoming Cara, and nobody else.

It's hard to make my self (my own breath, my path, I guess?) my first priority.. I like helping others. It feels good, solving problems and making the world I live in a neat, organized place, running efficiently and correctly. With my power, I can keep people's feelings from clashing with mine. I might not be able to control other people's actions, but I can at least change everything I do to keep others from getting irritated with me. I can control myself in order to fit with others' needs and wants.

Well, I guess it's a useful skill. BUT MOSTLY IT'S REALLY UNHEALTHY!!! Sure, I can use this skill as a professional negotiator or something... you know, a peacemaker. Someone who helps everyone get along. An influencer, perhaps? I'm not sure of my skills yet.

But what I'm trying to say is that this skill should not be used when I need to make decisions for myself. When I'm trying to decide my college major, or the town I'm going to move to, if I'm going to get pregnant and have a child or not, whether or not I wear makeup and jewelry, what job I want, when I clean my room, (etc)-- THESE THINGS ARE MY DECISIONS ALONE.

Of course I need to consider how my actions affect others. But in the end I've got to take myself seriously! Even when or if I do have a splendid goal in life, (like going to Japan and getting a job there) it won't do any good if I make compromises in order to improve others' opinions of me. If I'm worried about my actions so much that I have to change myself for others constantly, I will NOT make it to Japan. Or any other goal.

And it's even more difficult when you have people close to you who don't believe in you because of the past or because they're doubtful and stubborn. Because they don't have faith in my decisions and goals, they try to discourage them.

And I'm easily discouraged. If I wasn't writing right now, I'd have nothing to hold onto and I've give into my discouragement and truly believe I'm not capable of going to Japan, being a translator, playing piano, or teaching, or anything.

OKAY. NO MORE OF THIS. YOU'RE DISCOURAGING ME? MY DREAMS, MY LONG-TERM WISHES THAT PROPEL ME TO TAKE SMALL STEPS IN MY LIFE NOW?

(to my parents:) NOT ANYMORE. I WON'T STAND FOR IT. IF YOU WANT ME TO BE SUCCESSFUL, THEN THAT'S WHAT I'LL DO. 

And I have to admit, I'm doing it partly for you... because I love you guys. But you want me to be successful because you love ME... so in the end, it's all about me anyway. That means I'm not compromising because of my loving you.

What a waste of time on their part, their disbelief in me. But I can't force them to trust me with words... nope. Not anymore. Well, I'll just have to show them... this is hard to deal with, though. Right now, and in other times, when I let their disbelief discourage me, I start doubting I can do it, too. I feel suddenly sad.

[When I reflect on this later (this is an edit) I think maybe their disbelief makes me stronger, and it's what I actually need to succeed?... I shouldn't say I deserve their disbelief though. It might be logical and fair, but I don't deserve it.]

Anyway-- I'm going to make a concise list of things that will help me with this current problem... this discouragement I'm having. It's a lack of faith in myself, mmhhm. If I hadn't realized this "stand up for yourself" thing, I'd be worse off than right now. But I still have some of the old feelings creeping around in me.

I'll fight them like this.

1. Getting a job is NOT the most important thing. Getting it together is. I can do that, and in the process, I'll get a job as part of getting it together. Duh.
 goal: be at peace with my life.

2. Use God's opinion as my ruler, not others or even myself.
goal: keep reading the Desire of Ages and/or the Bible so I remember how much God and Heaven loves me

(hee hee they are all hoping I will succeed in getting the job God picks for me which is of course my choice as well :)


yup, that's about it.

♥Thanks so much for reading, I hope this made sense and it was helpful or interesting to you.

Keep Going!

I had a good realization today.

You know my post Standing Up for Myself - BEING ME? Those were some good ideas I had. I've got to believe in myself more, and listen to myself, REALLY-- more than what others say.

(My parents influence me a lot, they're pretty harsh, and my mommy is a bit over-advice-ful. I always listen SO well that my head loses any personal thoughts and opinions of my own.)

Well? Today I said "I have to just keep going."

Dumb, right? Well, I don't keep going usually. Because of something that caused me to feel unmotivated, I stop my projects and tasks and take long breaks, wasting time because I don't have a goal, and so I don't know what to do next. Basically, I let people discourage me all the time! Or things discourage me, or situations, or feelings I have.

(Even though I KNOW it's my own job to deal with bad stuff that happens to me, if I blame MYSELF for sad feelings, instead of the situation, or bad luck, or other people, I end up getting all loser-ish. I quit being loser-ish whenever I get a little MAD about being being a "victim" :-)

Traditions
Another good improvement I've made is to create "traditions" (THANK YOU TEXTFUGU). For me, that's basically a daily habit, at a certain time or after another specific activity, and in the same (comfortable) place every day. And I always do it every day, not "I'm going to_____" or "I have to_____" or "I probably will _____" but "I do _____". The things I do are:

1. prayer, weighing myself (WII FIT!! yeah) breakfast, devotional on my couch
2. exercise

those are the "traditions" I've gotten down pretty solidly so far. I need to work on some more (piano, japanese, and sleep) but these are the first priorities at least.

Anyway, keep going. Keep in mind things you want to do. Instead of thinking about everything at once, just pick something that takes you toward your overall goal (mine is losing weight, getting a job and learning music and japanese). So I have to keep going, not stop because I feel worried about something dumb.

Sounds like an obvious thing!

Well, it's NOT :)

I just can't help but tell somebody. For Naruto fans, you;ll recognize this -

影分身の術

"kage bunshin no jutsu"

SHADOW CLONE JUTSU

so cool. Anyway. The only reason I'm excited is because I love seeing the Japanese I hear written down. It feels cool on my tongue. What about you?

Bye!

I'M NOT TALKING sign

I just came up with a radical idea.

I'm going to put a sign on my neck anytime I leave my room, so that people can see. It will say:

"I'm not talking to anybody so that I can focus. If it's an emergency, then that's okay. Thanks for your patience!"

Isn't that great?

(I'm really P.O.-ed right now in case you can't tell!)

It's not like they need to talk to me anyway.

unless they want to have an argument with me.

GGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRR

forget it I have to go now before I hurt my angry muscle.

Standing Up for Myself-- BEING ME

I think I've been going wrong about my... main problem.

- * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - *
[   problem update:

1. depressed + anxious; on zoloft

2. unemployed / bum / irrationally low confidence

3. parents with their own ideas

4. parents who voice these ideas

5. parents with total lack of encouragement in my dreams because the dreams don't make sense to them

6. my dreams really do seem impossible
7. and to top it off, I have yet to prove I can reach these dreams   ]
- * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - *
ADVICE
I shouldn't have said so often to Mom that I don't want advice. I do want her advice. Her advice is not my problem. I just need to tell her : please don't criticize my interests. These interests I have a hard time expressing without her discouragement include anime, my dreams such as becoming a pianist, an interpreter and translator, and a wife of a man who possibly does not live in my home country. As the subject comes up, I will say appropriate things like, "please don't critisize my love of anime. It's an old subject, and my anime-interest is equally time consuming as are my other hobbies." Also I can say, "I am determined to succeed in the career of my dreams with you and Daddy as my support system." Usually I just tell her I don't want to talk about it. Now I'm going to have a better answer.


WHAT I'M DOING WRONG IS: I'M NOT BELIEVING I CAN DO IT
Out of the various problems I have while living here in my parent's house, along with my brother Teddy, and Allison and her son, the number one issue I have is caving to my parent's advice. I am very influencible. Why?  ONE: I don't believe in myself. I've got to be more confident.

And, well, maybe because I don't have a plan-- where there's a goal at the end and steps I'm going to take along a timeline-- and that makes me opinionless about my own life.

Basically I need to stand up for myself more often. I need to make more hard-core decisions. When I don't know what to do, I think hard about what I do want, and I decide. It's not about what others think. I know myself better than anyone else. Even more, I have good intuition about myself. This is because my mother taught me confidence. But I need to use my confidence, instead of letting the advice I hear from my family, including my mother) dissuade me.

In the end they will be happy if I am successful, but I WILL include them in my success, instead of walking away from them in order to succeed.

Just because they doubt me doesn't mean I need to give up on them.

Good, aye? Usually this is the part where the kid leaves his parent's house in a huff. But I'm not going to be angry at them for not trusting me. My forgiveness is partly due to the fact that their distrust makes sense.


THIS IS HARD
I feel really sick and awful. My dad just came in my room, JUST NOW as I was writing, with one of his attitudes, like "no argument, listen to me without responding, and only accept what I have to say, then take action exactly how I want you to"
They think I'm watching anime constantly. I watched about an hour today while exercising, and this evening a little before bed. Quite an addiction, don't you think? Would they rather I walk away from this "addiction" as if I have the strength to throw out my manga and DVDs and never touch videos on the internet again-- avoid my "addiction" until I burst and go back to it like a crazy person? Or should I learn to control it, like I'm doing now, monitoring my emotions, thinking, and feeling, like a living, breathing woman of courage, creativity, and music?

I also spoke with my counselor and had a wonderful session, feeling beautiful and confident and ready to look for a job within the next two days, bursting with ideas and belief in myself.

But my parents, who are worried, impatient to the point of explosion, have lost trust in me, and think I am a lazy, emotionally-uncontrolled bum, insist on trying to force me to change my habits and decisions by telling me I have to because this is their house. Even though it's been only a week since we talked about my job-getting plan, and I am already making progress on it just like planned.

STANDING UP
I'm going to be angry with my self and my situation, and use that power to do what I need to.

For a year, I've done nothing but sleep, feel depressed, get into massive arguments with my parents and little brother, half-heartedly play piano less than once a week, watch loads of TV, gain twenty pounds, pretend I want to learn Japanese, cut off contact with all my close friends or who I've ever met, and NEVER leave the house.

But now-- NOW! After a bit of counseling, pills, personal growth, and a lot of thought and journaling... I volunteer. I LEAVE THE HOUSE. I dress up, wear makeup, and perform like a professional on a to-die for Bösendorfer (fancy German piano) in a architecturally beautiful hospital famous for its healthcare.

I've also almost finished a resume that I've had edited by a professional who has worked with a lot of college students and kids looking for jobs.

I have plans to look for a job this week. I am working on my study ethic and creating good habits and goals for my life. I feel more serious than I ever have before. And God is going with me. He says so. He will give me strength. I'm going to keep praying. I need his help for sure....

I AM AFRAID BUT I WILL DO IT ANYWAY
I might cry after this decision. But I'm not going to give up anymore. I know what I want. I'm going to really try. I'm not going to change my decisions and habits anymore, I'm going to make decisions based on what I want to do. My mother and father are amazing people. I have their genes. I am their daughter. They taught me respect, responsibility, and LOVE. I like who I am. So. Now, I'm going to be that person.

To my beloved mother and father: I love you. Now trust me. Allow me the freedom to be the adult I am, and the adult I will become, and I will show you what I can do.

God is going with me. He says so. He will give me strength. I'm going to keep praying. I need his help for sure.... forever  ; )

Happy thanksgiving!! <3

Doesn't give up! Cara goes North.

Quick update: 1. my daddy had ANOTHER conversation and this post is about me dealing with that.  2. Naruto Shippuden is GOOD! 3. I am losing weight! (That's positive. I've been trying to.)

Okay. So what do I have to do when I feel distracted? --and that's all this is-- I'm distracted by my embarrassment or shame when I have one of those "conversation"s with daddy. So, all I need to do is turn away and look at something else.

I can focus on piano, studying, and getting a job. In the end, that's the answer! If I focus on the negativity, I won't be able to do exactly what I need to in order to get RID of that negativity.

Talk about spiraling. Definitely... I need to be positive and encourage myself in order to REFOCUS.

REFOCUS!!!! Here I goes. God, please go with me and strengthen me. I need your help! Let's do this together. Help me make the right decision. You want me to go to Japan, right? And be a piano teacher and stuff? Or... something... Ha...   ; )

スタート！

I believe that procrastination is a form of giving up. And when you give up is when you die. I might say my lack of action is "temporary" but in that moment I HAVE given up.

Here's what I'm going to do:

PRETEND it's the END for me; 

(I am motivated by deadlines, death, and sleep-- endings)

But I have to turn my death-through-procrastination... my lost battle:

into a new future -- 

an ending into a beginning.

Life Goals and Priorities

Alrighty. So, I'm been waiting, and procrastinating a lot, for about a year. I think I want to stop doing that. Procrastination is like giving up in the moment, while promising yourself that you'll do it "later" but "later" doesn't really mean anything. So procrastination is just giving up, since you can't say that you really WILL do the thing you need to do, ever, until you actually do it.

Here are my life goals, and underneath each one I have things I'll do to get the things done, or how I'll work on them.

1. Take care to be pretty and confident
-- (realistically) set time aside
-- remember I am good how God made me, and God is love, so I'm following him.
-- make myself do stuff I don't want to. This is going to happen a lot, and I have to deal with it, so I've got to make the choice to be responsible and cool about it.

2. Speak Japanese and go to Japan
-- 10 kanji and/OR review
-- stop using subtitles on anime (more often if not all the time)
-- leave my DS by my bed and use it more often

3. Make music
-- take it in college
-- get jobs playing music
-- volunteer playing music
-- practice every day

4. Learn about God and live for him, especially by loving others including being responsible for my family and friends, reflecting him and learning how to do that, plus anything else I need to do like that.
-- read the Bible more often, making it a source of answers to my many questions
-- go to church when I'm ready
-- care for and be responsible for my family
-- don't let myself stop my life because I'm afraid-- face the fears I have-- things that are hard-- and get a job so that I continue. I don't want to live like a zombie, but right now, that's kind of what I'm letting happen. I'm not appreciating my life.

5. Have fun and don't be upset, and be myself
-- take life at my own pace, enjoy the moments I'm alive
-- watch anime
-- don't hide: meet new people, talk to my friends and care about others
-- express myself however I want, accept how I am and don't worry about my appearance

Now... as a side note, I want to get a job to help me with number three and four, but I also need to have some spending money for the anime Full Moon wo Sagashite. I don't care if I can't use the DVDs until I get a player, but I know I want to get some before they run out of stock. I thought it was a wonderful show, and each episode was worth watching. There weren't any that I would consider fillers, and it wasn't too slow, and I loved the plot's depth and the characters. I was really surprised by how good it was-- and I don't know if I'll still say this later, but it's the best anime I've ever seen!

I haven't found an anime before this that I could say is my "favorite". Usually I'm just like, "eh, it's a great show, but I can't compare it to the others I like because they all have their pluses and minuses".... but with Full Moon wo Sagashite, I can say it really is my favorite! I'm biased 'cause I love music, and the story, but I really do think it is a masterpiece, with exquisite details and subtleties.

Diary Entry

Dear God,

It's Sabbath today... I watched a bunch of Full Moon o Sagashite today, and ate food.

A lot of times, I feel worried that I'm not doing a good job. Of being myself, I guess. And putting it that way reminds me that it can't be true :) !

But still. I say this because we have a visitor over today and I can't relax or focus on anything when that happens, so I go to my room and veg out instead of doing something.

Which is okay, I guess, but I would rather do something active, or use my brain. But I let myself get stuck watching TV, you know? It' doesn't have to be TV, sometimes I do something else on my computer or whatever, but I feel the worst for watching TV.

I'm not sure I should let myself feel bad. It's possible I'm just being hard on myself and not getting anywhere for it.

That's right, I am, aren't I? Weeeeell, I'm going to do something else now. I'll try and stop beating myself up inside my brain.

Hee hee. Thanks, God, for helping me and always caring for me. You deserve all the love in the world, I hope more and more people notice you. Don't give up on telling them the truth, (I would suggest through love) even if they are completely obstinate to it. Isn't it true, that if we were created in your image, we naturally should lean towards the light side, not the dark? As in, love? I don't quite understand sin. WHERE DOES IT COME FROM????

haha. This is a good question, isn't it....

Where does sin come from.... .... I question this because-- if you created everything, sin shouldn't exist, because why would sin come from you? Is it because sin exists when people are allowed to make choices?

Shame isn't the problem?

I've got an idea about swimming. WAIT-- what am I talking about?!

I'm free-writing cara-style, so no editing allowed, and whatever I'm thinking.)

I had an idea about... get addicted to stuff. See, I get really addicted to anime, as in, I can watch, and watch, and watch, when I need to quit and do something else for a bit. Like... SLEEP, or HOMEWORK, or CHORES... you get what I mean, right? That kind of stuff.

But I think that "addiction" in this way isn't necessarily something I do because I "need" it, like I don't "need" to get away from my problems. Not at ALL times, anyway. YES, anime does help me get away from my problems and if I didn't use it for that, I might not have my problems.

But I'm CRAZY about anime. And it's helping me learn a language and that I can go to another country and that will change my life. It's not a bad thing. For me to associate anime solely with a negative thing like addiction is really wrong of me to do. It's blowing it out of proportion.

I DO have an addiction to anime, but that's only half of what anime "does" to me, the other half is good, like I just explained with learning Japanese, and that I like it.

So I need to recognize how I am addicted to anime, and take control of that, since it's not the same as a physical addiction, and I can get better in only half an hour after one episode, it's not something I should view as negative.

Is it possible that because of drugs and porn sites and alcohol and sex, people view things like this more negatively than it needs to be? Let's be realistic: what really is my problem: myself, or the internet that allows me to watch anime and TV?

What weakness should I be worried about?

I guess what I'm saying is... SHAME should not be my number one feeling here. It might be getting in the way of what is truly, realistically the solution to my problem.

'Cause like I say, when I diet, I can't just deny myself goodies and snacks. When I do that, (personally) I end up FOCUSING on those goodies and snacks I'm trying to avoid, and I lose control. I don't think it will help me to try and build a wall between myself an anime. Yes, I partly just don't want quit watching it a lot.

But I think I should focus instead on what I WANT to do - that's learn Japanese, music, exercise, and find a job. I really need to prioritize certain things in that list, but ... hahahha anyway.

One step at a time. And I quote myself for summary =^..^= 
"So I need to recognize how I am addicted to anime, and take control of that, since it's not the same as a physical addiction, and I can get better in only half an hour after one episode, it's not something I should view as negative. SHAME should not be my number one feeling here. It might be getting in the way of what is truly, realistically the solution to my problem."

Don't mind me, I Forgot My Medication o.O

So, I'm taking this medication now called ZOLOFT. Or some generic of that, I guess. Who knows :p I have started the pills really sloo-o-o-owly, so it doesn't upset my stomach and make my moods weird, or I'm guessing so anyway.

I figure it is a good idea to journal on how I feel, so that I can think about how it's helping and how I can help myself in the areas it can't change me.

Since I'm taking it for anxiety, I would have thought it would help just with that, but the day before I started the medication, I was feeling really horrible, I mean upset and crying about every five minutes. Now, that was because the adults in my family had been treating me kind of like they were irritated at me, and really getting on my case about this and that, and I also hadn't slept even a minute the night before. But even so, I think that kind of reaction (crying constantly) and the sadness I feel a lot of other times, might be a little bit of ... depression.

And Zoloft is for depression, too. Apparently. Now that I think about it, it makes sense, but I won't be all analytical and explain what I'm thinking about why. :) Anyway, I think I'm not just an anxious person, but emotional enough that I might be TOO sad, sometimes, when I don't need to be.

So I hope this medicine makes me more lively in a consistent way!  Because I consider myself a lively person, but there are times when I suspect I'm that way because trying to be that way. Trying really hard, too. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to be easily happy, simply happy, when I have reason to be (happy life, loving family) without having to force myself. I want to live prosperously, and not wait and postpone important things like leaving the house to get a job.

I think this medication will help. I feel a little bit better already, but it's possible I'm imagining it. For instance, I feel like there are more options available to me. I might be less anxious, but I really don't know... Haha, who knows?! I'll know more when I'm at my regular dose, in a few days.

Simple Reasons! My Goals Now.

K, I talked with my Dad again tonight. It's something that bugs me, that he doesn't pay attention to my feelings, and it also bugs me that I can't stop arguing with him; that I don't listen to him either. I wrote up a long letter to him about various things I want to protest.

But in the end, I need to get a job. Just because he's impatient doesn't mean he's ultimately wrong. I feel bad giving him a complain letter when he's just worried, you know? Worried in a DEMANDING way, lol.

See, I just HATE conforming to other's wishes. My little brother has gained this trait recently as well. (Recently meaning in the past three years I guess.) So it's hard for me to take my Dad's advice, even though it's RIGHT.

I want to make these huge life decisions based on my own motivation and excitement for life. I feel lame when other people have to tell me to make those decisions, when I've simply no reason to do it. As soon as I have a reason, I want to do it. I just don't want them to have to tell me. When they do that, they don't acknowledge my ability to make decisions, and then I feel like I don't have it. Silly. I'm WRONG. I HAVE ABILITY no matter how I FEEL or how I feel other people think.


I'm going to STOP wishing I had all those big kinds of life-answers and plans, and decide according to what I feel like. If I really explore the details, I slowly come up with a plan. It doesn't have to be definite in all the ways that other people expect. Or maybe that I expected.


So, I am going to try and be independent. It's a lot easier to be independent when I have life plans. For instance, it's helping me to think about going to a college near the sea. I don't have regular goals yet. I can't see myself getting married without prospects, and I don't have dreams of becoming a chef in Hawaii or anything specific like that. But I can live for the things I like, anyway, and do it under God's watch (since I'm a christian I want my life-goals to be what God wants, though no matter how much direction he gives me I still have to make little deciisons like these: "what's my major?" and "which job to pick out of so many options?" I can't decide those things through God when I have no clue what I want to do-- a lot of what God wants me to do is what I understand myself doing well at naturally. And I don't know what those things are. But I've believed for a long time wrongly about this stuff. I need to simplify my reasons for choosing things. It doesn't have to be some hardcore life-plan that guides my career down a path forevermore, backed up by cliche answers like "I like people" and "I love anatomy" or "I grew up making cake" and "I'm taking over the family business".

Haha that sounds funny. But really, I have my OWN reasons, which would also sound random to other people. I mean, there isn't anything weird about those reasons except that they aren't mine. I need to find my own reasons, search inside myself, instead of looking at everyone else and finding a reason to copy, trying to fit it for myself.

I've been making my life path choices reasons complicated. Trying to force myself into something I don't understand.

I am soooo...

Never mind. Here, I'm going to try and make a goals list, but as usual I'm not going to be able to cover everything and miss something obvious, I bet. Well, this is for my most current wishes.

TRY MY BEST TO THINK OF THESE GOALS AS REASONABLE AND DOABLE AND RESPECTABLE even though they might need to change, until I feel that way I should aim for them.

1. Find a college to go to. pick classes that will help me make money in a job that isn't physically taxing. These class need to be helpful to me. That's it. I don't know how to plan any farther than that, and I don't have to. Spend time exercising where I live, my top idea is to live right near the beach and run in the sand. Why not? I wish I could swim too, I dunno if that's really safe though. So, I also need money for classes, find out how much they cost and what program I want; besides that, exactly how much rent will be, but I need to just make lots of money right now. Then I can attend university, AFTER I have a good job-making thing. But really I need time away from home so soon would be good. Also, my short-term-career choice needs to be something that I can get a job near university!!!

2. Finish HESIG before I move away from home. Practice two hours a day? Exercise and lose weight? Lets see simple will work best. I think I can do this, but I should CHANGE THIS GOAL after I know my schedule (job).

3. Get a job and save this much money (BELOW)
[REASONING: Since I need money before I move, I need about.... about.... if I paid 700 for rent (this is a total estimation, since I have no idea, and higher is better than low) I would want FIVE months of that plus 150 for food and 100 for misc. that's 950 per month x five = 4750

that seems too low, so I'll add more:
1,000 + 160 + 200 /mo. x 5 =  6,800 PLUS 1000 for getting a stylish wardrobe and PLUS 1000 for getting my leg hair permanently removed with a LASER!!! laser removal...]

K, I need to save up 8800 before I expect I can
1) drive to the two colleges I like,
2) talk to counselors about my grades, make sure I like the classes and campus,
3) sign up at school. 
4) find apartment prices and availability,
5) find a place to live,
6) and get a job

Also, while I'm doing all that, do these things too::
A) clean my room,
B) do my haircut appointment
C) laser hair thing
D) also go shopping for a new wardrobe

Is that the wrong order? I guess I will find out when I get there. The school is the first place to start.

I will attend for a while before I'm ready to attend a state university, where I'll get higher education, after saving from working, and possibly .... using my Daddy's money once he sees I'm motivated. Of course, I'm changing my mind about sticking just to music, if it only takes a year and I've already taken A&P, I could do a short medical-type career, and I could be making a bit of money to support myself and have good work experience in a higher job sooner, especially to help me getting through music.

4. go to university, where I get a bachelor's degree in music performance OR education, and think about languages, computers, voice acting, etc for later, but just this first. I think that covers all my favorites :)

Gahhh I feel so retarted but I need to respect myself even though I feel bad at decisons and flighty. That's how I am, I have to keep my reasons simple: I do things because they're fun.

! Learn Japanese fluently. Take classes sometime before going to Japan, while working, if necessary all by themselves, and take whatever tests and tutor people and get tutors and join clubs and go online and translate animes/manga, whatever I need/can do to be fluent.

5. Go to Japan as a teacher. Aim for this goal the whole time, while still having fun and not worrying about time because that only ages me, it won't help me hurry X)

Argument idea: BOUNDARIES!

Dear God, 

Today after 3:15pm Dad and I had another fight. Are you surprised? Haha, well I don't know if you are or not. But I shouldn't be. Even so, I don't expect stuff like this to happen, even though it has before.

Well, lately this weekend I've been thinking about how it's easier not to worry about other people's problems. I grew up thinking that I needed to help others, not in an obligatory-kindness sort of way as much as a I-don't-know-my-boundaries sort of way. I see this situation or that situation going on, and because I do have my own opinion (naturally it pops into my head) about what the person in the situation could do, I believe I should offer it. I think it's because I like to solve problems, and fix things.

For example, if my Teddy and I have a violin performance at church, I might practice the piano accompaniment and ask Teddy to come and practice his part with me. When he's busy, which he often finds a way to say "I haven't finished homework," he can't come downstairs. I get easily mad about this because I'm impatient and I want to practice because a) it's fun and 2) the performance is close and we need to practice eventually.

But it turns out, if I leave him alone, he might have problems with the performance, but I can still practice enough to be ready. Of course I want the piece to sound finished and polished when we perform, but I can't take Teddy's problems and make them my own. It's horribly stressful for me (I cry about it, because it's angering). Even more, Teddy is one of the stubbornest people who exist, and this situation is exactly the type in which he will rebel and only get stubborner. So I can't do anything.  My anger and crying is NOT caused by Teddy! He is free to practice with me or not. His choice is not abnormal, and the feelings I have could have been prevented.

I could have prevented it by staying inside my boundaries. When I do that, I quit bothering Teddy. I used to bother him to no end (I was thinking pleading and ordering and scolding and yelling would make him do what I wanted) even though it just made him madder. But really, the only result was that I felt worried and upset at my failure, and Teddy was really mad and even felt bad about being yelled at.

This example is exactly what Dad is doing to me! But beyond that, since I am the "Teddy" of the situation, I know that I need to keep my boundaries too. It is possible that this won't solve the problem with my Dad. I WILL feel sad and of low-confidence because I'm being yelled at. But I CAN know for SURE that retaliating against Daddy's attack will not help. If I look at my boundaries and how I used them in my argument with him today, I realize something!

Here's what it is.  My dad is telling me something that is important to him. He's worried that I need a job in the future, so he wants me to get started on it immediately. I CAN'T change the fact that he wants to tell me these things. I'm afraid I can't stand the pressure he's putting on me, so I stand up for myself-- BUT that's stepping out of my boundaries. Instead of arguing back, I need to stay inside my boundaries.

Actually, I think I'm being a bad example to him by retaliating-- by doing what he's doing-- getting in his business and ordering him around, while he's ordering me around.

This is hard for me, though, because I feel like I've got to stand up for myself because Dad is trampling on my emotions. But it looks like he will do it no matter what, and his stubbornness will allow him to continue trampling until he is aware that I have listened or gone and done what he wants with true action. So if I go outside of my boundaries and allow myself to tell him to change his approach, I am trying to change him as well.

It's not losing to admit defeat in this situation. It's standing up for my idea of boundaries-- in order for him to leave me alone, I need to leave him alone, even if that means I get yelled at, and he WILL yell at me no matter what I do anyway.

Ultimately, being independent is not defined by myself getting everyone around me to leave me alone so I can do it myself, but by doing it myself EVEN THOUGH they're "not allowing" me to be independent. SO in that way the best display of independent strength is TO BE INDEPENDENT when they're continuing to worry for me and therefore causing me to feel dependent. If I can be independent even in this situation, then I can save myself. It's up to me; if I forget that and blame anything on someone else, I will lose this battle with myself.

[later edit: when I read this with a different perspective, I suddenly feel like this: "aw that's so PATHETIC! Why am I acting like any of this is ever anyone else's fault? Saying that they're MAKING me dependent? They can't do that! THAT is an example of my blaming my own actions on someone else." Right in the moment, when they're worrying for me, the emotions I feel are very deep and very real. They push their worries about my life onto me when I may not need those emotions. They are making judgements about my life and not trusting me. And perhaps I am not trustworthy, but there is also a chance that I AM trustworthy. Appearances through others' eyes do not determine truth, so it is foolish to assume that someone who feels this way needs to just BUCK UP and fix their own life. And, everyone makes mistakes. This is not the time to criticize myself for being affected by others' worries. If I have trouble making decisions when others intrude, then that is how it is and I need to remember that I am not foolish for being frustrated. Although I've concluded I must deal with their intrusiveness passively and independently while recognizing boundaries, I will NOT belittle my emotions in my own mind, because--when I do, I'm forgetting how it felt and how real they were. If my parents are bothering me with their worries, I am allowed to be bothered regardless of the actions about those worries.]

Haha so confusing.

God, thank you for your inspirations, and please help me to follow these ideas in the next communication I have with my parents.

K... the basic idea is that I must be independent, regardless of others' influences and dependable worrying. I have to stay in my boundaries and do what is possible to take care of myself, and only what I'm able to do when communicating, without trying to change others' ideas. BOUNDARIES.

!!!

My feet!

I went to a new doctor about my feet-- my new podiatrist-- last week. It was super fun, he was nice!  I got my right foot no. left foot, X rayed. And I have a... ah... um... pa no. Bipartite sesmoid. It's on the inner part the ball of my left foot. Basically, the round part, on the bottom of my foot, right in line with the big toe. A "sesmoid" is normal, but mine is divided into two parts instead of just being whole.

So, when I dance (the regular kind or DDR, the stomping especially)  the stomping and stepping makes the two little bones separate. The bones really are supposed to stay together, and are probably held together by a ligament or something. So it hurts when they get pulled apart. And I get pain so it hurts to walk and it doesn't get better for weeks. Plus I can't dance.

But it's okay, the doctor said I can get modified shoe inserts to leave space for my weird foot bone. That way the bone will not get pressed on when I step, and I'll be able to do whatever I want. I'm hoping to get some new, lighter shoes that feel more like socks than klunky tennies. Then I'll put the inserts in and I can still dance feeling barefoot, but with support and my feet won't get any other problems.

I'm going back again to the doctor, and here's stuff I've got to ask my podiatrist:
how many other people have the weird bone in their foot? like how common?
can we xray the other foot for the same problem?
what about the arthritis (maybe) in my right ankle?
why... again, does it hurt my foot when I step to much? is it the ligament?

k then.

Thoughts about Life Systems and Existence... Etc haha :)

Okay, I thought of something neato, so I'm going to write it down.

First, I thought, the world is made of systems. Little bitty ones, like "resturaunts make food, I eat it, I feel full, and that happens once every week" which is the system of me wasting money on dairy queen once a week.

A system at my workplace, where everyone has a job, and some people work under others, while those in charge have someone in charge of them, and that's a system.

A system in my itunes, where my playlists are organized but I still need to organize it better.

And other systems-- many of them overlap. I guess I mean that systems define life, the world.

So anyway, if you look at all those systems, you get life. Somebody's got to be in charge of all those things. Who would that be? Somebody HAS to be in charge of them! None of the little systems run on their own. How can we explain the system of life?

God is everywhere, everything. Or maybe I shouldn't say IS, I should say is the Creator of everything, everywhere. And God is love. The point of life is love, i.e. companionship, friendship, spending time with others, meeting others, seeing others as unique, and valuable.

I like this feeling because it makes me feel like God isn't very far away.

Now, if I get worried about being caught up in anime too much, and forgetting that God is important, I just need to remember that God created everything wonderful. I don't have to be worried that I'm not close to him-- but after recognizing it, I must continue to acknowledge him and keep learning about him. (Study, praying, thinking, listening, those kinds of things.)

These ideas have reassured me a bit today.

I'M NOT LISTENING!

I was talking to Allison today, and I got teary afterward. I felt like hiding, and crying (which I did) and I found out that the spot between my couch and my bed is a lot easier to fall into than to pull myself out of.

I wish Allison could listen to me ramble on about dumb things without judging me. I used to get sick of my friend Lucie (at least when I would talk to her in high school) who would complain about people at church (and school, one in the same where I attended) who were judgemental. Well, I guess sometimes it's worth complaining about.

When I was explaining my job searching discoveries and activities, it was hard to explain them because it felt like she was forming her own negative opinions about my ideas. I know, I KNOW I'm too sensitive to these things, but regardless, it's a little rude to form negative opinions about something just because you don't know about it. When I say "you don't know about it" I'm not spouting nonsense. I have a totally different personality from someone else I might meet on the street or of my friends and family. I react to things differently, I have different life skills, weaknesses and strengths. Of course, it's different to form an opinion if you've tried something, but even then, it's not necessarily your business, right?

I can see what you're thinking. But don't put out expectations for me. Do that, and I'm limited when I think through your eyes. My only choice now is to ignore you, and I know that's not what you wanted.

Then she asked me a question like this: "So, what's your ultimate goal." (It really was more like a statement than a question.) My heart felt like it was being dipped in morning lake water. I answered well as I could, explaining that I'd rather focus on just getting a job first, but I felt like crying right then, so I also added stupidly that I didn't want to talk about it with anyone else, and only myself.

I'm hoping these experiences will just hurry up and mature my sensitivity and under-confidence. I realize that's why I feel like this.

Judgemental people are really TRYING to help, or put their good advice out there. But in another way, it's just sickening. You can't know simply from listening to me what the rest of my life is going to be like. You don't understand my feelings or my reasons for living. You're way older than me, how do you know what I'm capable of in this new day? Youth is power. You should know that, being that you were young once. Wisdom and experience may also be powerful, but this is a time for me when I need to create my own wisdom through experiences.

I still don't think complaining about judgmental people is a very efficient use of time, since it is a form of holding a grudge, so you never have to stop, BUT. It is making me feel better now.

What works for OTHERS may not work for me. Not everything simple for somebody else is SIMPLE for me. But what someone else can't do, I might be able to. I WILL MAKE MY OWN PATH.

Ah- I'm forgetting something. I don't have to make my own path ALL by myself. You know all those Christian slogans (or whatever) about having a PERSONAL relationship with Jesus? Well, I want to know where they got that idea to make sure that's the best way to look at it-- but if it's true, and I think it is in most circumstances--

judgmental-ism means nothing! I don't have to worry about what somebody else thinks if I strongly disagree or it bothers me.

I just have to listen to the Creator of the world... I'm sure he has better ideas than anybody else.

I'm sure :)

About this one thing, at least!

I know my reaction is obviously an OVERreaction, and what I call being really emotional, but it is what felt, after all. I feel better now, but I can't help thinking how funny my head is. Or I should say heart since I'm talking about emotions here :) but really it's my personality makeup, ergo my head.

Well, that's about it. Haha-- right now, I'm playing my angry iTunes playlist, and The Used is screaming in my ears, "Not Listening!!! NOT LISTENING!!!! NOT LISTENING!!!!! " lol.

Talking with my Dad.

I'm going to write to God today. Usually I write to my readers, but I don't really know how many readers I have and who they are, so I'm pretty bad at being communicative in their direction. So instead, when you read this, you can observe a prayer-conversation-something or other to the person I think created the universe (and did it because he wanted people to love and talk to). 'Course God is listening all the time anyway, so I really write to you also.

Dear Jesus,

Well. I just came downstairs from talking with Daddy. I am super upset after that, mostly feeling bad about myself, and even though technically I don't need to feel pathetic or crushed, I still do.

My situation has changed since earlier, whenever that was, like this: I lost my job, which I really was okay with because I didn't like it, but I didn't have any ambition to get a new one right after. I was in school then, also. But you know? I didn't do very well! Even though I was studying theory, I didn't turn in all the assignments because I let myself get overwhelmed and didn't prepare, and so I got behind and then I was scared to try and fix it. Can you help me out next time? I will prepare myself to let you take away my fear. You can strengthen me, I don't have to do it all myself. I'm sorry for being so silly.

I'm actually in a different frame of mind now - I want a job.

A month ago, before September began, somebody would ask me about my job searching progress and I didn't want to talk about it because I couldn't even face it myself-- avoiding it inside my own mind. But slowly, as my dad's "Sept. 1" deadline passed, I became motivated to do it on my own, and I actually wanted a job. I thought about how much school would cost and how I actually had a desire to make money. I haven't felt this way in a year, and the feeling continues, not just a short-term thing. This feeling WILL continue until I get a new job. I am ready now. So I'm applying online right now, and after I go through the government jobs available and any other options online, I'm going to look in the shopping center near my house. So I do have concrete plans. (I have to convince myself of this :)

I think Daddy knows I'm in a different frame of mind now, that I'm trying harder, more seriously. But he's still impatient. His impatience weighs on me. He has a very powerful worry muscle. I don't need his worry, because in the end it works against me.

Anyway, so that's what's new.

I get surprised that Daddy can make me so upset by telling me, "Cara, you need to learn to support yourself, before you do anything else."(He means I shouldn't be focusing on studying Japanese before I can support myself.)

(And some other stuff piled on ends up making me not cry, not just this sentence.)

"Well Daddy, that's like me telling you that I don't want to take care of you when you're old, so you had better be saving up for retirement. I mean, you WANT to do that already, don't you? I don't need to tell you that!"

(I'm trying to communicate that I WANT to support myself just as much as he wants me to support myself, but I might not have explained it well.)

I think this writing helps me, if anything else, to give myself some backbone, like a little support, made of my own opinion, so I know what I think, and other people's questions and ideas don't push me over. I am easily swayed, so I need to know what I think before they give me tons of ideas.

I'd like it if my dad recognized that I have good ideas if he would just let me "water" them. But he doesn't trust me. He sent me to an expensive private (religious) college that I loved, but I took random classes without direction and without focused studying for three years, resulting in mostly bad grades because I simply wasn't decisive and motivated. I wasted under ninety thousand dollars on that. I mean, a lot of the classes are OK and good for my generals. But Daddy brings this fact up and worries about it when he's trying to explain that I need to support myself, get a job, etc etc.

He's RIGHT! and I KNOW that. But it's been more than a year, and he's still worrying about it. I want him to acknowledge me now. I shouldn't have to prove myself to him like he's my employer or teacher. He needs to believe in me because I have his genes and I'm intelligent and capable. But like I said, he lost trust in me. So really, I may be asking something very difficult or quite impossible of him.

My parents' opinions matter to me. I don't have tons of friends, and the opinions of the ones I have don't matter to me as much as my parents' opinion. That's because my parents are like home base, my cornerstones. I just need a little bit of confidence. Their opinions affect my confidence so much.

But my dad overlooks this point because he wants me to acknowledge "Yes, I need to get a job. Yes, I will take your advice and choose a job/education in the healthcare field because it is reliable and it has a good market. Yes, I am hurrying to get a job as fast as I can."

I disagree with a lot of that statement. And besides, his ideas don't matter as much as mine; this is my life. Of course I should listen to his advice. But not if it eclipses an alternate future that I should also consider. I want him to listen and believe in me for a second. I feel like there's never a moment when he says, that's a good idea. I'm excited to see what you will do, Cara. And then trust me with my own future. Am I stupid? Am I retarted, and hopeless and directionless and passionless, so that you can't believe in me, even have a little bit of blind faith? That's what believing in someone is!!!! You don't have to have evidence of their capability.

I ask him to do that, and he says, "You don't need ME to believe in you--"

I don't remember what came after that. I suppose what I've done is destroy my Dad's faith-in-Cara ability. That isn't so good. I told him to believe in me while I was in college, and I continued to fail, and now he doesn't trust me... it makes sense.... but thinking about it this way only makes me depressed.

Anyway, I'm not sure and I'm confused. And massively irritated. There's nothing wrong with my ideas if I actually try them. It's terribly difficult to focus on anything after talking with him about these things. He worries so much, he worries for me, and then I feel less stress about the job-looking crap etc. and more about how pathetic I am.

Do you know how RIDICULOUS that is? Thinking I'm pathetic isn't going to help me get a job!!!

I'm serious. This is about my feelings. I get downstairs and try really hard not to cry and I can't do it! I cry anyway. I'm not able to control this. It's not something I'm doing on purpose. What I'm saying is, I feel awful and it's really hard to change it afterward! But blogging helps a LOT.

ANYWAY, HE'S REALLY JUST NOT HELPING!!!

I suppose that was all I was really trying to say.

So anyway, feeling pathetic. I've been so motivated lately. But now it's the opposite. So I won't that get me down. After a conversation like that with Daddy, eventually enough conversations and I'll become stronger.

I have to keep doing what I've been doing. In fact, the conversation probably helped me more than anything.

Blogging and reading what I've written helped me realize that this is a common situation many people find themselves in-- having ideas that their parents don't agree with; needing acceptance and not getting it.

I can succeed doing this my way IF I have confidence in myself. I may or may not obtain my Daddy's belief in me. Maybe I'll never have it again! I get the feeling he's going to always worry about me when I don't do things his way. But that won't make my life better. Even Daddy wants me to be happy over a decision he makes for me. It's only that he thinks his decisions will be better.

So basically, I need to be confident in myself, and pay attention to his (very good) advice at the same time. LOL I've come up with this one before! Passive stance.

Actually, I have a hard time keeping a level head around Mom and Teddy lately. I need to pull out of the fire before my voice gets loud, you know? No reason to get upset. My family is easy to figure out: they're stubborn. That means I can't convince them of anything; i.e. don't argue with them. Let them be.

God, please give me strength to stand up after crying, maybe even cry less and stand up more. Don't let me forget about you just because I succeed later on. Remind me that you're a part of me. Or all of me, and I am a part of you.

And thanks for letting me vent! I'll come and write to you again soon, remind me please?

Boring talking.

I don't have a lot in mind right now, so I'll just be reaching for words I think.

I just feel bad for not posting for a while, it's got to be some kind of crime to leave a post up for too long about Heroic Age, it will definitely get old.

So anyway, I haven't done anything new lately. Really. Here's to truth telling.

I don't have a job. I have something wrong with my foot (the toe joint I think? it's just kind of damage from too much Dance Dance Revolution stomping, and made worse by running). I also have extreme procrastination. Both those things I described are things I like to say are my excuses. But they don't matter. And now that I'm realizing that, consistently, daily, plus my dad's deadline "we'll help you *RELOCATE* if you don't get a job by september one" is moving my butt along. Thinking, at least.

AARRG!

I'm not angry :)  I'm WORRIED. About myself. And this book my counselor gave me about worrying has been hinting that worrying is just something you do to make yourself feel better when you should really think about how your feeling. So you can avoid your feelings by worrying? Haha, NOT COOL!

And that is what leads to my hesitation. Simple.

I mean, you know, kind of simple....!?!

Does anybody have any tips on how to FEEL like going to sleep when it's time? I have an aversion to it. A huge aversion. I need to just go to bed, just like I need to get a job.

Or better yet, tips on how to wake up even if you haven't had enough sleep. 

It's like I'm depressed, or something. No. It's like I'm depressed.

Listening to: BRIGHT RAiN by miku and a producer I don't know. Eeek so cool. oh, it's my blog playlist :)

Oh! I would really like to buy a lot of manga. I only buy it in Japanese, but unfortunately I can't even try to understand it, despite my strong belief in myself, it obviously means nothing to have hope in learning a language until its... learned, you can't read it. You can't PARTLY learn Japanese and understand manga, you have to FINISH learning Japanese first. Oh well. I don't care, I still want the rest of Black Butler, and all of these: Hanasakeru Seishonen, Paradise Kiss, Glass Mask, Fruits basket, Tegami Bachi, Skip Beat!, and White Album. I WAAANT them so this will be my motivation to go start working and saving money, hmmm?????? :)

Ah. My counselor also gave me info on how to call a nurse practitioner (?) about anxiety. I have lots I could say about what I think and why I might be a anxious person about certain things, but in short: I think pills might help, just to see how they change the way I think. Sometimes I think I need to calm down... :)

And. A sweet person on PianoStreet forum told me that I'm not old, and this person started his/her bachelors at 23 yrs old. YAY! SOB. CRY. :...........(

Kiichigo died. Also sad about that. His fishtank is in the storeroom. Lets see if I can type his name in Japanese, I've never done it before: 木苺 that doesn't look right...　google says it's right. It must be right. It means raspberry ^^

Thanks for reading. Bye. ♥

Weird

Weird thought while watching Heroic Age: Overcoming the Fates Episode 16 -

all those "gods" in stories seem to have no emotions-- they make wise decisions. humans, on the other hand, blow up planets (in the anime) and overtake races by force and wreak violence and blood and death.

or so I've heard. But so many mistakes we make as humans! when you compare our actions to the imaginary races that could exist, to aliens and angels, to what we could have done, I think-- WOW! we sure do make a lot of mistakes. Is there really any excuse for them?

Our emotions... our passions, excitability, easily-swayed brains, and lack of self-control-- are these things our negative traits, our faults?

are emotions sin? emotions are what separate us from God-- like death does?

no. emotions are God-given (I mean God the Creator :) enabling us to enjoy art and color and to savor anger, pain, beauty, love-- instead, make your decisions based half on emotion and half on emotionless logic. Then you choose, knowing how you feel about the subject: 50% you want to choose because of how you feel and 50% on what would be the "best" thing-- then you can choose.

can we, tho? what is perfectionism? is it really possible to do better? mistakes just keep happening and happening and ...


we can't fix mistakes of our fathers and mothers. we can't fix mistakes of our brothers and sisters or friends-- not even our children.

But EACH DECISION a person makes important. It's not about the "BIG PICTURE" here. The journey is NOT the means to an end, not if you want a good ending. Think about it as a journey and think about each one of your decisions.

Because what you do affects everyone else. you're alive, aren't you?

butterfly effect.

The Real Deal

I don't take things seriously until I'm forced to. Like, deadlines, and death, and other stuff. Things, especially the results of time and clocks, creep up on me and I'm not prepared for things. I'm GOOD at preparing for things if I make myself, but so often I don't take whatever it is seriously enough until I'm really, really late!

Yeah, I KNOW that the modern term people use is procrastination. But anyway, I do not like this about myself. Sure, it's funny and everything, but I would rather I didn't have this funny thing about myself. 

NOT COOL. And really DANGEROUS, in many circumstances.

What can I do to remind myself of the importance of finding that emotion, "HERE IT IS!" ?

How can I find it...

it happens to me... I mean, I procrastinate in these areas:
bedtime
getting a job
answering questions I should/need answers to
cleaning, sometimes
sleeping even if I'm sleepy
studying
showering (LOL)
eating

1. one idea is this: I procrastinate while I'm busy doing something else, like, I don't eat midnight dinner, because I've been stuck at my computer studying and typing this.

2. I'm afraid to FACE FEAR or MAKE A (complex? irritating?) DECISION about something.

3. I'm lazy and I don't think about my goal at the time.

4. I'm too sleepy to focus, or possibly other things like anger, sadness, or jumpiness.

Trying, Giving Up, and Stars.

I sometimes get a big head and I stop trying so hard. It has to do with the way I practice the piano, or I change the way I dance, or think, or really ANYTHING that has to do with "trying".

I think, "wow, I did a good job!" and immediately, I stop trying to surpass who I am, and I am happy with myself.

I'm not sure how to explain that a person should accept herself, while at the same time, she mustn't stop trying to be better.

(It's like, when I want to lose weight, it's NOT because I don't ACCEPT myself! It's because while I do like who I am, I know I will like myself better if I have better blood pressure and health!)

But that's why they say humans are meant to have someone to look up to, a mentor, or an idol, or a god-- they are meant to "worship" some kind of "diety". And God says to us in the Bible that we should have HIM as our number one person that we look up to. God is like the ultimate mentor.

I'm talking about this because I am weird and I get really obsessed with things, whatever I'm into lately. It started with reading, where it was totally necessary to read every single book that I found interest in to start. The chronicles of narnia I remember especially, and Harry Potter was amazing too, and the House of the Scorpion, and probably a hundred others. Then I moved on to TV, which made less time for books. It started with Smallville, and another major milestone was Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Now I like anime, and let me tell you! it takes up a lot of time :) But I do like it.

The only problem is, I'm a Christian, Seventh-day Adventist, and that means I recognize that my life, naturally, will only last for a certain amount of time and I might should be living for some kind of reason. Right? So my reason is God, and although you might say that's just what I've been "taught", it's what I believe as well.

I just get DISTRACTED sometimes. It's not like I have to get rid of the things I like, such as Anime. Certainly, God wouldn't mind if I dedicated myself to him even more, but if anime inspires me to learn Japanese and go to Japan and be some sort of Christian example there, God might actually want me to take this path anyway. That's what I'm thinking, at least.

But sometimes I worry that I'm putting my love of this world and material stuff and my interest succeeding at making money or in a career is... something I put BEFORE God. "You shall have no other gods before me".

Sometimes it's good to worry a little. What if you didn't worry at all and you effectively take the wrong path because you didn't think about your decisions?!

So I don't ever want to forget: I mustn't ever stop trying to surpass myself because I've become satisfied. I must be looking toward a "mentor" - mine is God because I think He's the best - and always shooting for the stars. It's when you stop and say to yourself, "good job" and "that's enough" at the same time, that you lose focus.

"Good job" might be okay by itself, but you can't say "that's enough" as well.

I can't just sit back with, "I'm done with that".

I won't be done until I'm dead.

After that, well I don't know the specific details on what happens, lol... :'|

And so, along with not giving up, I want to make sure I remember to use God as my wishing star, my to-shoot-for point, and to remember, at all times, that I might put other things before Him-- so I've got to watch for that!

Since I have the potential, eternally, to make mistakes right after I've promised myself I won't, losing my will to watch out for those things is dangerous.

A Daily Post: The Beginning?

Okay, daily post! except not, 'cause it's the first time! :')

I think that posting daily might be better, and I might avoid posting once in a while, but even when I don't feel like I have something to say, I should post. My diary doesn't need to be a place where I have to record every important thought. Sometimes I come up with helpful thoughts, this is an example: "me not getting a job is due to NOTHING except for the fact that I am LAZY!" okay, so with thoughts like these, I get about one or two every day, and sometimes if I'm exhausted enough, I'll get about ten. So I'm like, GOTTA WRITE IT DOWN!

Sometimes I quit this weird "need to write down my ideas" thing, and instead work more on remembering without writing by putting these epiphanies to good use in real life.

So I just want to make clear, and to remind myself in the future, that I shouldn't be writing this diary to catch escaping brain matter! I should use writing as an outlet in itself, and therefore I will be learning new things as I write.

That means I will make the most progress when I am really open and truthful with myself (and whoever might be reading this).

That's a more effective way to journal-- don't just write about your day in a way as if you were planning what you were going to write-- write about your day, and your honest thoughts at the moment you are writing too, and just let it FLOW! So don't hold back what you're thinking.

I'm worried about getting a job. I'm worried about getting my Dad's stress level down. He just stresses. Nothing can un-stress him. That's a bad thing.

I'm re-starting Skip Beat! I've also assigned kanji-learning to myself before I can watch certain episodes from various animes, like a "rental" or "price". But not all of them, just some. This is my link for that list: CR watchlist with Episode Prices ;)

And now I am very hungry. Ta-ta!

Standing on my Own?

My dad wants me to get a job; actually my whole family does.

I put it off. I've been putting it off for a long time.

I did go and get one, at one time, at the beginning of last year, but I lost it because I said "no" to too many of the on-call shifts.

I think I didn't really want that job, though. Next time I get a job, I'm making it important to ME. I can't just get another job for no reason except that other people will get mad at me if I'm not working.

It's not other people's fault, sometimes I blame them. But really, it's my fault for not making the right decisions, and sometimes, standing back hoping that I won't have to make any. I haven't been strong, I haven't stood up for myself and said "THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO DO!" and then done it.

I'm going to do that now. I keep forgetting, going backwards, and letting others change how I feel about my decisions. I get lazy or think that everything is okay. I sit back and say, "I'll live tomorrow."

But I'm not safe. It's not okay. This is life. I live on Earth and I'm a human. I could get in a car accident while heading to walmart. I could get cancer or burn up in a fire. One of my friends could die. I could lose my parents, after all, I'm 22 and they are in their fifties.

There are a million other brutal or sad things that could happen.

But the main point is that I could die tomorrow.

It's time to take up my own hands, stand up with my own body, and live for myself first. Only then can I be a tool who can help others as well. Without being my whole self, I'm a person without her own will.

1. Each moment is available for only that moment, so choose what I want to do now, and stop thinking about the future and the past. Remember I could die, and that doesn't mean when I'm eighty.
2. What CAN I do? Think in possiblilities.
3. I avoid starting work because I don't want to not finish. Quit that, it's pointless. Instead think of what I CAN do and have fun with it, this is my life. -->1) accept what's going on RIGHT NOW 2) what is the best course of action? REMEMBER starting is only the bad part, once you move past starting, you'll have fun. 3) attack! 4) enough? distracted? go to #1) again. 

4. try really really really hard, I mean it, really, to get enough sleep and wake up in the morning.

5. what really motivates me? do that! choose when to stop though, and remember I have strength, so I don't have to give in to my wants and feelings. THIS IS A HINT TO LIMIT MY ANIME WATCHING -o- and that is me yawning. at four. am. x-`|

6. Do NOT beat yourself up for things that aren't "GOOD ENOUGH". My family has taught me to do that to myself, and now I have my own habits of doing it, even after my mother and brother have learned to treat me more like the marshmallow I am. So really, stop the self-mutilation already.

7. The moment you give up is when you die.

8. うみねこのなく頃に anime Jessica says, "No matter how hard someone's heart is, if you keep on talking to them little by little, it'll eventually start to crack! I believe it! I believe that useless effort doesn't exist in this world! I bet a man couldn't understand it. A girl in love... doesn't even think about giving up just because it's useless!"

9. Patience. Listen. <- really important (i.e. to dad, mom, teddy.) pay attention to how they're feeling, validate their feelings by responding, !IN A WAY that's fair to me also. do not assume that they need to change something because of my opinion, assume that they are awesome and know what they are doing for the most part.

10. It doesn't matter what time you wake up. If you take an attitude of worrying that you didn't wake up at six, you're simply doing the same thing as when you try to rush with something. Just take life as it comes--instead of squeezing the sand in your hand, open your hand and the breeze won't take as much as you think it will-- and you'll be in more control in the end. One thing at a time.

Tomorrow: job resolution.

*Important* ...wink wink... List

Something I should read carefully: don't worry about the number of items on the important list--only focus on doing as many of them as possible, or trying, or attempting, or starting them, or doing them as I can.

(IMPORTANT: try to get as many of these done as possible, but don't shy away from starting because there's so many items.)

lalalala font filler

2 bible verses MEM or REV

16 kanji, choose 30 when possible

piano X or piece, 1 hour, choose 3 hour when possible

theory: just do something

DS game - as much as I want. get computer out as I move on c/ new lessons, that way I won't get behind w/ note taking. 

...X...  SLEEP

certain task->certain part of day - begin late in day (for good or negative reasons) begin at the time of day (this is to be REASONABLE:) - I'm going to make an effort of this.

(less important: get done when and if I have time, really nice to get done, just not like... time-essential, at all.)

organizing music

reading for fun

editing Teddy's story
...okay I admit it... anime
there is other stuff in this cat. I can't think of; it's the fact that the cat. exists that's important, tho.

It won't hurt to push yourself, as long as you don't quit.

I'm studying a lot of kanji today.

:) This doesn't apply to actual damage, like a sore joint or torn muscle (exercise) or mental hurt (learning, communicating with others, death)

To think about. To accomplish, soon.

When I start thinking about or go to get a job, I need to remember these things:

1) It is O.K.A.Y. to take a break. I don't have to be embarrassed, and wonder what other people think, that they're probably wondering what is up and judging and analyzing and all that. I need to do what I need to do, and I have done and will do the right thing-- for the most part, I must think this way, not that it's correct, but that I can't get anywhere without this confidence.I took this break for my own good and it was VALUABLE.

2) come to terms with how I feel about my failures, my successes-- all that's in my past-- and my self. Write about how I feel, and why the negative things aren't true.

3) compare my life to anime, and imagine (realize :) that I am part of a story-- that will always make me feel better.

4) I am capable of many things; so choose a job to go after that I know I, Cara, can handle-- even more-- it should be a job I can do better than others.

5) when I start working, do one thing at a time. Doing a good job and maintaining relaxation and progress at home will be my first priority, next, come other things, like weight loss, and Japanese study, which I must carefully do one at a time, since weight loss really can take your whole day, so one at a time.

6) and so... make a list of jobs that I can do, that I like, that I'm really good at, and that will make money and not interfere with my home life and progress in a bad way.

7) just like with the anime imagination idea, remember that I'm doing this to fulfill my role of responsibility-- thinking of it this way reminds me that I am capable of holding a job and that I don't have to think otherwise.

8) don't sit back and plan it all. plan it with a goal of actually doing it, then actually do it. I have the ability to see it through, not just plan on seeing it through. I have to continue this quest until it's finished, and then it's on to new things: getting good at my job, then using the entire experience to progress in life, reaching my goals and all the things I need to do along with it.


9) watch out for waiting. Don't wait on getting a job when you should be doing. Start recognizing when I'm using excuses to avoid getting this job and making money for school.

10) think of my future as I do all this. look at the big picture; when you do that, you'll realize how silly it is to be self-conscious. This isn't all about my problems, this is about me. There is a huge difference.

Horrible Self-criticism. I think this whole time... that perhaps I've been doing something terrible to myself, all on my own. Perhaps-- I'm intimidating myself by belittling my intuition, my inspirations, the makeup of my soul that drives me to do what I do, and I sit back and say "that's boring! that's stupid! how embarrassing my actions are. what is that I'm doing? singing? yoga? dancing?! no one cares about what I write-- what is that, simple observation? making up music? dancing! wasting time on the internet looking at art! watching gay anime!  I look so foolish, so lazy, so frivolous! It's a total waste of time, I'm really quite a loser... I'M a waste of time! I'd better go get something better done, one day at a time, I'll try and be less pathetic, inching my way along....."


It's hard to believe I think stuff like this, but as I write it, I realize I really do feel this way deep inside. It sounds silly when I say it out loud, well, more terrible than silly-- how could I say these things to myself!?

Talk about negativity, LOL.

When I think this way, I can't succeed in being myself-- and being amazing at it. I'm going to have to be more outspoken in this journal, so that I realize I'm thinking these things, and I can put a stop to it.


My life is worth something. My soul is beautiful, like a snowflake. I am filled with inspirations and creativity and intelligence for details, an eye for true reality, and a love for humanity. And more things I don't realize.

No matter what, I always must remember that God created me for something, and I am DESIGNED to be the way I am, even if I have a few inhibiting flaws, I can grow to be an amazing person. Really amazing.

So enough, Cara, with the crap talk. Start enjoying yourself, not just life-- and trust that you know what you're doing more often-- trust your instinct, your snowflake soul.

Study Tip -

Uh oh, I didn't make a post for last night!!! D8 Here's one to make up for it.

Listening to "Kagamine Len - Iceheart".

Here's a great study tip! Wherever you spend tons of time, put an easy-to-use study material nearby.

I sit or lie down in bed with my laptop sitting on my tummy or lap. :) So it's VERY hard to be like, "okay, I'm going to get up and study." I mean, I'm not an inactive person, but once I'm laying down, it doesn't feel natural to get up again, even if it would be good exercise. (Haha)

So I'm going to leave a pad of paper right by my bed, one that I don't move, for practicing my Japanese writing (the kanji). 

This will help with studying more frequently, when I think of it, and keep me from using any reason to not study.

Now hearing "Miku Hatsune - Anger".

Today I'm going to exercise a lot, eat vegetables, do thirty kanji and reviews, and scrapbook organizing. Oh, and I also need to start reading the Bible, I think it would help me with some things I'm denying truths about.... Come on me, you can do it!

Something else! Don't inwardly criticize yourself when you don't do something "useful" -- I should put that whole phrase in quotes, since it's so wrong. For some reason I'm always bothered by my use of time if I'm not improving my character during that time (by studying or learning or cleaning). But those aren't the only important things in life, so I'm obviously misguided.

By myself. hhheheh. Well, let's see. relaxing and enjoying beautiful things is good, it's appreciating the creator of the world.

Relaxing is important in order to do a good job in studying and such.

Spending time with family and friends is obviously important, as a life without relationships is... never mind, my opinion is too harsh for those who don't believe in having friends.

Decision making and control, Studying.

Study in a better place. If I didn't have any motivation, where would the best place to study be? A quiet place, clean and organized so I can focus, with only the item I'm working on and the tools I need to do it with me.

Sometimes I sabotage myself by not studying in a productive place, thinking that if I'm wanting to study, nothing can stop me, but in truth I might be making it harder for myself by studying, for example, in bed. Haha... I don't have what many call "common sense". :)

Today when I made a to-do list, it lost its simplicity and became filled with chores, so I didn't look at it even once, I knew what awaited me!

Scary. So I will NOT be writing a complicated list again. :) I have to remember... the whole point of these lists was to remind me of what I had to do; the other unwritten activities are for me to decide as I go. This will help me with decision making! I have problems with decision making-- like-- like I'm not even going to get into it. But if there was a disorder about not being able to make decisions, I would be heading towards a complete diagnosis, plus all the side-effects along with it! Haha it's so not funny... no... it is, I think. :p

As an extension of my decision-making difficulties, I'd like to suggest that it'd help me to be OUT of control sometimes, as in, NOT "have it all together" once in a while. Actually, more often than not. See, if I stay in control of things, I'm not faced with immediate decisions, because I've already set up everything; I've got a plan laid out, and I don't have to worry about details.

But I'd like to get used to deciding things right when they happen. Things that scare me or mess up my schedule or plan for myself are irritating-- how is that good? Is that to say I'm a routine, planner-type person? But I'm totally not! At least I didn't used to be. It's like I changed the way I did things, my free-spirited habits, somewhere along the way, and I don't know how it happened, but it's debilitating.

I want to be able to change my mind once I've made a decision instead of sticking to a the wrong path like a stupid blockhead.

Learn how to make last-minute decisions - get used to making them, listening, focusing on new things, immediately (i.e. the moment is now).

It's like hearing rhythm in your head-- a dancing melody that continues as you go, so as you do, it just keeps coming-- LIFE, I MEAN--
♥

Today... Let me See....

I woke up late after being exhausted from yesterday's workout! Eleven hours of sleep, I think. So I skipped exercising today, and I also ended up skipping piano.

I am NOT a multi-tasker! Not naturally, anyway... :-[

But I DID study 29 kanji. I'm about to review them next :)

And when I was busily studying away, perhaps a little too busily in that I was ignoring the people around me, my mom and me got in an "argument" or whatever one would call something like that.

(I use words relating to "argument" so much that I just get sick of any similar words, but I don't know what else to use...)

ARGUMENT.

Mom was telling me things she understands about our family - why my brother does things he does, why Alice does things she does. Mom was explaining her opinion on what should be done about the negative things. (Teddy teasing a female friend and hurting her feelings, Alice... ☺ not emptying her trash because she doesn't want to waste trashbags, and cooking smelly meat in our vegetarian house.) I didn't like some of the words Mom used - calling Teddy "clueless" or the conversation about Alice when she might be able to hear us. I shouldn't have bothered Mom when her words are her own choice, but I interrupted anyway.

My mom is very inspired, she could be a psychologist or a writer with her interest in people and intuitive, confident sense into the situation they're in.

But I sometimes get tired of all this analysis. Sometimes I want to plug my ears at the endless flow of ideas and reasonings my mother comes up with. Even more so a problem is that I find myself defending these people my mom talks about when she was never criticizing them in the first place. I suppose, deep inside, that I consider analysis criticism in itself.

My defense of Mom's subjects upsets her - she doesn't think of them as subjects. To her, what's she's doing is problem-solving. She tends to get involved in other people's lives, and doesn't give up. It's a form of helping others, this problem-solving. And she's not a bystander - when given the chance, she helps others at all possible times - grocery carrying, bills, money for music lessons, a hug, words of appreciation and encouragement, conversation - she does, literally, everything she can.

So this evening when I defended the people she was speaking of, she was hurt. She needed me to listen to her, and I ended up scolding her for her "gossiping" and "unkind words" - things she never did.

I tried to apologize after I thought of it this way, but it was too late. She left the house to buy milk in tears, feeling that she should have spoken her thoughts aloud, saying that I can't understand adult conversation and she needs an adult to talk to. Door SLAM!!

The idea of me not being an adult is inappropriate, since I am an adult and she could instead say something like 1) she shouldn't talk about something I want to stop talking about OR 2) she should keep her thoughts to herself.

But either way, I tried to force my apology on her. I don't know if she just wasn't able to forgive me, maybe because she needed to stay mad for her own sanity, or because I shouldn't have forced it... probably both. I'll have to remember to apologize not at that moment but waaay after the end of the fight. Just because our brains work fast (mom and me) doesn't mean accepting an apology is a fast process! :)

Here's what I recorded on my phone immediately after our argument, when I realized I was in the wrong and should have been listening to her instead of scolding:

"We say things to each other that bothers the other person, and I say, well how am I supposed to communicate that to you without actually saying it? Why can't you just let me say what I want, am I not allowed to speak?" But you should find a better way to do it-- speak while checking what you're saying from their perspective. Don't just say, "Oh, I needed to talk, to explain how I feel--" because if it doesn't get through to them, it's pointless to explain any of that, and they WILL misunderstand you and possibly get mad or hurt. No matter what the situation is, you have to find a way to effectively communicate to them what you want to say, or you may as well keep quiet.

But if you're just trying to vent, which is a different thing, then the other person needs to listen for that. But if it has to do with something that involves the other person, you can't just vent and say whatever you want because it involves them personally. BUT, when you're on the listening/receiving side of the talking, and it doesn't involve you, don't get mad about it, it's not your job."

That last part, where it says the person on the receiving side shouldn't get mad, was me. I was getting upset with my mom about something that I shouldn't have worried about, she wasn't talking about me. I mean, mostly she didn't. Sometimes she's not always sensitive to me, but it's okay, there's always going to be a few wrinkles in relating to other people.

Some other stuff I thought about today:

While watching Synchronicity, (click for youtube vid) - "Look at everyone like they can be characters of their own story, poor, rich, all essential-- not to a part in a story, but to another whole world in which they are the main character-- the hero." 

From yesterday, that I forgot to write: "Get a job to be responsible, this is a role I know I can fill, so there's not reason not to approach it with confidence."