I'M NOT LISTENING!

I was talking to Allison today, and I got teary afterward. I felt like hiding, and crying (which I did) and I found out that the spot between my couch and my bed is a lot easier to fall into than to pull myself out of.

I wish Allison could listen to me ramble on about dumb things without judging me. I used to get sick of my friend Lucie (at least when I would talk to her in high school) who would complain about people at church (and school, one in the same where I attended) who were judgemental. Well, I guess sometimes it's worth complaining about.

When I was explaining my job searching discoveries and activities, it was hard to explain them because it felt like she was forming her own negative opinions about my ideas. I know, I KNOW I'm too sensitive to these things, but regardless, it's a little rude to form negative opinions about something just because you don't know about it. When I say "you don't know about it" I'm not spouting nonsense. I have a totally different personality from someone else I might meet on the street or of my friends and family. I react to things differently, I have different life skills, weaknesses and strengths. Of course, it's different to form an opinion if you've tried something, but even then, it's not necessarily your business, right?

I can see what you're thinking. But don't put out expectations for me. Do that, and I'm limited when I think through your eyes. My only choice now is to ignore you, and I know that's not what you wanted.

Then she asked me a question like this: "So, what's your ultimate goal." (It really was more like a statement than a question.) My heart felt like it was being dipped in morning lake water. I answered well as I could, explaining that I'd rather focus on just getting a job first, but I felt like crying right then, so I also added stupidly that I didn't want to talk about it with anyone else, and only myself.

I'm hoping these experiences will just hurry up and mature my sensitivity and under-confidence. I realize that's why I feel like this.

Judgemental people are really TRYING to help, or put their good advice out there. But in another way, it's just sickening. You can't know simply from listening to me what the rest of my life is going to be like. You don't understand my feelings or my reasons for living. You're way older than me, how do you know what I'm capable of in this new day? Youth is power. You should know that, being that you were young once. Wisdom and experience may also be powerful, but this is a time for me when I need to create my own wisdom through experiences.

I still don't think complaining about judgmental people is a very efficient use of time, since it is a form of holding a grudge, so you never have to stop, BUT. It is making me feel better now.

What works for OTHERS may not work for me. Not everything simple for somebody else is SIMPLE for me. But what someone else can't do, I might be able to. I WILL MAKE MY OWN PATH.

Ah- I'm forgetting something. I don't have to make my own path ALL by myself. You know all those Christian slogans (or whatever) about having a PERSONAL relationship with Jesus? Well, I want to know where they got that idea to make sure that's the best way to look at it-- but if it's true, and I think it is in most circumstances--

judgmental-ism means nothing! I don't have to worry about what somebody else thinks if I strongly disagree or it bothers me.

I just have to listen to the Creator of the world... I'm sure he has better ideas than anybody else.

I'm sure :)

About this one thing, at least!

I know my reaction is obviously an OVERreaction, and what I call being really emotional, but it is what felt, after all. I feel better now, but I can't help thinking how funny my head is. Or I should say heart since I'm talking about emotions here :) but really it's my personality makeup, ergo my head.

Well, that's about it. Haha-- right now, I'm playing my angry iTunes playlist, and The Used is screaming in my ears, "Not Listening!!! NOT LISTENING!!!! NOT LISTENING!!!!! " lol.