I had a bad night! Part Two.

I just glanced at that post where I didn't write what happened that one night. That was Wednesday. I was so mad about it, then I figured out how I felt, and it was just so much work to explain it, that I quit. But I really should right it down so that I don't forget how I felt. Here goes! It's going to be long, because I'm telling the WHOLE story. Skip some parts if you don't need the entire thing.

Often during the summer when I have nothing to do (I mean I don't have a job), my schedule gets "off" and I never go to bed at night, I wake up REALLY LATE in the afternoon, I don't do anything productive, and it appears bad to my parents. During the end of this June and in July, I was lazy and I didn't do anything, even look for a job. I was really, really lazy. I watched a lot of anime, exercised sometimes, ate meals, did the dishes, and kept telling myself that "tomorrow", I would practice piano, exercise a lot, start applying for a job, stuff like that. But I never actually did it of my own accord. It was fun to be lazy, but it was also annoying because even I had plans for myself, and I never got around to them. I also felt really embarrassed by the way the people in my house (Mom, dad, my brother, and the friends we have staying with us) looked at my laziness. As usual, I am too sensitive, and that made me want to avoid the problem even more. Anyway, I needed to get a job and I wasn't doing it. I wanted to, but I was letting my shyness and fear of failing stop me every time I thought of actually starting the project of job-searching.

So, my dad came into my room one morning before he left for work. He very sternly told me that if I didn't get a job before August 11, I wouldn't get to go to the lake for vacation with Mom, him, and Teddy. Then he said something worse. If I didn't get a job by September 1 of this year, they would kick me out of the house. Well, he said "We will help you relocate somewhere else" where I could get a job.

(Also, my mom would come in to my room in the morning, and whenever I would be particularly not-listening, and she felt particularly panicky about that, she would say things like, "I hear the food in the homeless shelters is really bad...." AAARRRGGHH!!!)

Both what my mom was always saying, and then especially the ultimatum my father gave me, were incredibly angering to me. I wanted to find a job because I went out myself, not because I was forced to. And you CAN say, no matter what, no one can actually force you to do something, so it's really ALWAYS your own choice. And that's true. But I felt like I was never actually making any decisions on my own. It is a weird feeling, and partly an illusion.... But regardless, it was frustrating.

Anyway, my dad's ultimatum was a good motivation, but when I procrastinate, really NOTHING can move me, not even something like that, for a time, at least. I'm good at ignoring truths, which is something I'm trying not to do so much. So I kept doing the same thing-- planning to go look for a job, and then not going. I really wanted to go on vacation, though. The 11th was a Thursday.

The week before the one with the important Thursday, I started thinking, "Wow, I'm being so idiotic." I mean, I'd been thinking that before, but it was a more serious thought than the times I thought it. So on Friday that week before, I finally started getting ready to go. As it turned out, I didn't have anything ready, and I didn't do well being time-efficient. I couldn't get my resume and references ready in time to leave Friday morning. (I always underestimate the time I'll need to get ready for anything.) Even by Monday, I was completely not ready. I realized I needed to narrow down the list of people I had to visit, so I started calling the numbers I had for the businesses I wanted to apply at.

By Tuesday morning, I hadn't gone out yet, and I was still calling people about their organization and any available openings, and I was freaking out. So I went out. Finally.

I had called an institution called Crystal Palace Rehabilitation (like a nursing home, but more after-hospital care), and they said they had openings for caregivers. Because the director of nursing told me she might be there that afternoon--busy, but maybe available, I drove there first, without even thinking about how far I was driving to get there. (THIRTY MINUTES!!! Ugh. Oh, well....)

After I applied, I asked for the director of nursing services. She was busy, but I was already there and I figured that I could wait just to speak with her briefly. After she was informed by another staff member that I was looking for her, she poked her head out of the door and grouched, "Is that her?"

Ahhh. Scary. I grinned and went to her office.

She looked irritated, glaring at me, saying flippantly, "You know, I thought I made it clear I wouldn't be able to meet with you."

I was really surprised and pulled a little bit of the "Oh, I'm sorry! I-- I-- I didn't mean-- if you're busy, we don't have to--" Now I felt like I was being manipulative, but it was my natural reaction. You're SUPPOSED to try and talk to as many important people as you can about the job you want, even WHEN you apply, if you can. And on the phone, she didn't say "NO, I CAN NOT meet with you".... I didn't know what to think. I wouldn't have minded just making an appointment with her.

But then she said, "No, no... it's fine, it's okay, you're already here, we'll just do it now. Let's just talk."

Wow. An interview. I was glad I'd dressed accordingly.... I was smiling hugely, inside-- and out, I couldn't help it.

She asked me questions about my experience, then said, "Well, do you have any questions about us?"

Yikes, I hadn't researched anything specific about their nursing home. Upon entering, however, I had loved it immediately. It was one-story with low ceilings, making you feel like you were very... flat? But it didn't smell bad at ALL, and I liked the decor and the cuteness of it. It wasn't ugly, and it felt like somewhere I'd want to visit again. So I told her that.

My interviewer replied that the smell was something they worked very hard on. Then she went on to describe that I'd be fired if I called in sick twice in a month. Ah... hahaha. ha. :(

I'd better be careful not to hurt my back! I thought to myself.

So, the interviewing went on, and we talked about the open positions. I explained to her that I needed to obtain a job as quickly as possible.

This forward director of nursing seemed to understand. She didn't ask my situation, and I knew it wouldn't be helpful for me to explain to her that I wanted to secure a job in order to please my parents. Not such a good thing to say. But somehow she got it anyway.

When we got toward the end of the interview, she finished asking me questions and looked at me expectantly. It was time for me to say something.

"Well..." I hesitated. "I would very much like to work here. I think it looks like a very nice place, and I think it would be a good place for me to work. It's... close to home-- where I live-- um, I think."

Well, I was wrong on that last part. But either way. The next thing she said surprised me.

"Well, okay. Here's what I'll do. I'll push those references that you gave me, and if we can get them back, I'll have someone call you on Thursday, sometime Thursday morning. Once that's all finished, we can get you in hired and working on your orientation soon afterward."

I was smiling ear to ear. "Wow! That's wonderful! Thank you, so much!"

I thought that was pretty great. But my worrying wasn't over, yet. My mom was intent on getting me to apply to other places as well. Of course, she was right-- just because I was expecting a call didn't mean I was hired. It was a pretty sticky situation. I didn't want to go to any more places to look, but logically, it was necessary. So my mom convinced me to go on Wednesday, as well.

I decided to indulge her, because when she insists on something like that, it's best to agree, or she'll just keep insisting. She even insisted on going with me, sitting in the car (I only agreed when there was the excuse that we were going out to eat afterward). It actually was nice to have her along. I felt more motivated and certainly more secure. She is quite supportive, I just wish she'd let me be if I ask her to. Oh, well. :) So on Wednesday, I applied to three more places, but I wasn't able to obtain interviews in the speedy manner I was able to at the Crystal Palace. That was worrying, but I tried to count on the idea that I already had a job somewhere else.

If only I hadn't have argued on Wednesday night! Not all of it was my fault though, and I certainly learned something.

Next, read I had a bad night! Part Three.