Cara is Crazy: Possible Reasons Why

When I have fights with my mom, I take on all her feelings that she has toward me-- when she gets upset during the fight, I mean-- and I get all emotional and upset and teary and stomach-hurting as if I was the one who caused her to feel that way.

I mean, sometimes it IS true that I'm the one who caused her to feel bad. But other times, it's NOT my fault. I have to start admitting that when my mom feels upset during one of our fights, it might just be that she isn't good at handling stress and arguments because she feels bad about herself. I mean, arguments are usually where people yell at each other, right? Well, our arguments almost ALWAYS end with tears. More often, it's been her getting teary, and not me. (I cry later, when I'm feeling emotional and annoyed at the emotional trauma slash disharmony we're causing each other and the other occupants of our house.)

We argue because we can't communicate. It's never really about an actual issue-- it starts that way-- but I think we argue more because we want to change the way we communicate with each other. I say something to her and she doesn't like my tone, so she gets snappy. Since I hate it if she gets snappy, and I feel that I should be allowed to have whatever opinion I want, I get snappy back, which is disrespectful and unnecessary, so she responds by telling me that (fair enough). But by then, I am on a roll, and I don't want listen to her reprimands, so I continue arguing about whatever.

Our arguments usually follow that script. We argue because we want to change the other person....? I guess. We don't like what the other person says or has done, and we say so, and then the other person gets grouchy about it....

I dunno... She wants me to go see a counselor, as if it's my problem. I think I have problems to work out with the counselor, but it annoys me that she might be implying that I am the one who needs to fix something. She says that it's not that, but instead the reason is because SHE can't be my counselor, she needs me to talk to someone ELSE. Basically, I'm stressing her out with all my problems, and she doesn't want to have to handle them, and with our relationship the way it is, there isn't enough trust to solve any issues I'm worried about. It's perfectly sensible-- those reasons-- but I do know that the reasons she and I have fights are not simply my doing. I think she has some things about HER personality that make it very hard to communicate with her. It bugs me that I can't maintain enough control of my emotions to let the things she says not bother me, but somehow I always become hurt, angry, or panicky and I say something to her that leads into another fight. And once one starts, she's so stubborn that she won't let it go until either she's crying or she's won (said her piece or I've agreed.)

I'm going to write down some things that I need to discuss with the counselor, kind of like an outline of my problems so I don't have to tell zillions of stories and never solve anything. :) Here's my title:

These are the Ways in which Cara is Crazy and the Possible Reasons that Tie Together to Form the Reason Why

AKA "WHAT I WANT TO TALK TO MY COUNSELOR ABOUT"

Hahaha. That's pretty funny. :) Here goes. (Beware. This is going to look like a really dysfunctional person. I'm putting everything I can think of, though. I have to cover everything. I might be being a bit too dramatic. Oh, well. Being serious about this will help me to change, as long as I'm not TOO hard on myself.)

FIRST! I have a lot to work on. I don't know which thing is the most important to start with first. I really do need to pick a career, or some sort of direction with my education, and for a while that's what I was worried about, but if my mom keeps threatening to make me move out, maybe that's where I need to start first: communication problems/fighting with my mom and/or other family members.... *sigh*

WAYS IN WHICH CARA IS CRAZY: OUTWARD APPEARANCES
1. binging on food
2. social withdrawal
3. negative self-image or confidence
4. weight gain
5. failing in school, even though I thought I was trying really hard
6. addiction to TV

REASONS THAT TIE TOGETHER TO FORM THE REASONS WHY CARA IS CRAZY
1. Self-boundaries unclear (emotionally, decision-making, etc??? I don't know exactly, I haven't read much of that book yet.)
2. Mom is extra helpful about things I need to learn to handle myself, such as basic chores, getting a job, doing anything, really.
3. Anxiety, being really hyper instead of dealing with a problem slowly and carefully
4. Depression - feeling like, what is the point of life? Does everybody feel so futureless, like I do? If they do, that must be pretty awful. I just don't get what makes people happy. Life is so deeply shallow to me. I would never want to stop living, because I'm waiting for something, but at the moment, I feel kind of sad and worried that I can't pick a career, so I can't see a path in front of me.
5. Letting fear scare me so that I procrastinate; instead of facing my fear, I avoid acknowledging my problems

7. Not very good at understanding how other people feel-- or at least I WANT to, and sometimes it bugs me when I don't.
8. My communication problems (below)
9. Fighting: COMMUNICATION PROBLEMS - items that get in the way of mom and me understanding each other and therefore solving whatever confusion we have between us.

- Mom's temper/anger/aggravation - interferes
- My temper/anger/aggravation - interferes
- my sensitivity - I easily feel sad, upset, panicky about loss of control
- her sensitivity - she easily feels sad, upset, panicky about loss of control

I might be doing something wrong by writing down what I think her problems are. I mean technically, I can't know those things, and maybe that's one example of how I overstep my boundaries emotionally. Arrrgh.

10. I'm stuck-up. Even though I feel embarrassed, shy, and have bad self-esteem, it's really more complicated-- I'm just REALLY SENSITIVE-- I take what others say to heart and I don't trust my beliefs and my self. I let people's compliments blow my head up, but when I get criticized, my head deflates in a snap.
11. I assume I understand how others feel, when I don't, and then I tell them, and they get annoyed because they don't want me to analyze them, and they tell me I'm wrong. I also expect others understand how I feel, so when they don't, my words confuse them and cause more of a fight. As if, just because I know how I feel, everyone else should get it, too, and when they don't, it drives me nuts. I have to learn to be more solitary, more alone. That's how life is sometimes, but I also need to know how to lean on other people than just my family-- I need to lean on my friends, who might understand how I feel sometimes more than my mother.
I just finished a skype conversation with one of sweetest friends, Winter. I really feel a lot better now. Somehow talking to friends is completely different than anything else. I think I really do need to be careful not to be too shy or hiding-at-home, if spending time with friends helps me feel so happy!