Goodbye to Alex!

I am a little upset this evening, because I finally told Alex what I needed to. I did it because... because... I lied when I said, and implied, that I enjoyed spending time with him. I must never do such a thing again. I faked interest and made him think I enjoyed his company, but I was really only (selfishly) happy with the fact that he enjoyed my company. I lied by making him think I was happy with everything, and when something would betray me, I became great at covering it up with smiley faces, and "it's okay"s, or "I didn't mean anything by that..." or "no of course that's not what I meant" to hide my real feelings. I couldn't be FRANK with Alex-- to say the true, yet hurtful things-- because I wanted him to keep liking me as a person. Kind of desperate-- and pathetic-- and NASTY!-- of me.

I lied to Alex because I have major self-control issues and boundary definition problems. When I say that, I mean I do things like this:

1) I can't stop watching TV when I need to take a shower or complete overdue homework in a class I'm failing. TV also keeps me from doing normal social things that would be enjoyable if I could actually tear myself away from it.

2) I overeat sometimes, to the point of binging, where my stomach hurts a lot.

3) I'm very emotional in general, like, I burst into tears when teachers scold me about not doing well in school.

4) I can't focus on things, like reading a paragraph to understand a homework question my brother is working on, because I'm worried about how I can't focus.

5) I can't finish what I start.

6) I'm impatient and speak without thinking.

So overall, I have a lack of control. I can't stop myself from doing the things I want to do in the immediate sense. Food, relaxation, and being lazy come naturally to me, at first, and I don't stop myself from obliging my "immediate wants". But so does making other people "like" me. I'm a people-pleaser, and often, I'll do anything to stop people from getting a bad impression of me. Sometimes I try to guess what they're thinking of me and I don't even get it right, and I worry for no reason. And that was why I told Alex lies.

I also know that Alex would be delighted if our relationship progressed to a romantic level, which makes me incredibly uncomfortable because I'm sure I don't want that. I don't consider our lifestyles, personalities, or goals for our futures to be compatible. He's a great person, but if I was in a romantic relationship with him, I would wish he was different in too many ways. Not so nice of me. I want to be able to appreciate my boyfriend/husband's characteristics, and Alex, like any man, DESERVES THAT! that from the woman he wants to be with.

The biggest problem with the friendship between Alex and I was how intimate it was. I couldn't stop myself from saying everything I was thinking, and the things I said weren't always appropriate for a guy-girl friendship, but more for a more intimate girl-girl friendship or romantic relationship. I don't see Alex as completely mature in this area, either, and that's partly because he doesn't just want to be a friend to me, but a boyfriend. It's hard for me to draw a line about where we stand together.

Because of this intimacy, I'm afraid I can't explain ANY of this to Alex. The level at which we communicate is very close and understanding. I say whatever I feel to him (more of that self-control getting out-of-bounds). So when I try to explain it, I may explain something that he won't understand and he'll try to convince me otherwise. I mean, I'm considering editing out the boring and selfish parts of this blog and sending it to him in a PM on Facebook. But the problem is that if I do, he will want to argue about the situation with me, and try to change my mind. I don't want to argue with him, because it's pointless-- I won't be changing my mind. Unless, of course, I've assumed something incorrectly. And I don't want to go over this with him anymore!

You know... I already did this once, a while ago, when I tried to tell him I didn't want to be in a romantic relationship with him. He convinced me that everything was okay, so we stepped backward into the realm of "friends-only", which was falsely "okay" for a while... until now.

Alex bought all my lies-- hook, line and sinker. I am evilly proud of myself for my acting skills, but the result is an entirely different story.

This evening, I was answering one of his texts (along with having the usual argument with my mother about Alex, who thinks she understands everything about him, urrrgh). In a recent post of mine, I admitted that I needed to tell Alex the truth. But I was reconsidering that, AGAIN (!!) and thinking maybe... I could just slowly start ignoring Alex, and being stuffy and non-responsive, until he just kind of gave up. This evening, when I was trying to answer his texts, I realized I would be still lying if I did that, because Alex would never be able to derive the thought that I didn't want to be friends from merely apathetic texts. I couldn't be APATHETIC, I had to be absolutely TRUTHFUL. So I finally told him. FINALLY.

Alex: Hey what's up?
Me: Hey
Alex: How are you?
Me: Im good
Alex: Cool. What are you up to?
Me: Not much
Alex: Mind if I call you?
Me: I do mind. I don't have time to talk and i don't want to text with you anymore. I know this won't make sense, but i don't want to be your friend. I don't want to talk about it, either. I'm sorry i'm such a confusing person, but I am asking that you respect this request of mine.
Alex: What in the world? I don't get it. Well it doers make me sad and I was interested to hear about what you thought about the book.
Me: i'm sorry.
Alex: No you're not. If you were sorry you would care. I care about you as a friend and enjoy talking to you. And I thought you felt the same. It really doesn't make much sense.
Alex: Why the heck did you enjoy talking to me so much then?
Me: I'm not going to answer your texts. Bye.

And that's all. *sigh* I'm sorry I lied, Alex. But it doesn't have to make sense to you. It's the goodbye part that has to happen, not the making-sense part. And I'm sorry I can't explain it, and that you won't understand. So... goodbye.