I've decided to be really strict with myself, once and for all. I have one of those planners that obsessive people carry around, so now I'm going to use it to be obsessive about the way I spend time. I mean, I'm not naturally good with time, so I'm going to use my planner to actually DO the opposite: be efficient.
It's really simple. When I think of something I need to do, I write it down in my planner. Eventually I'll won't have to scribble and erase because I'll get used to the routine (and maybe won't even need the planner anymore). If I don't have my planner available, I can write it down on my "daynotes" computer file, on a piece of paper, or on my mirror. Mirror stuff should usually be specifically goal-related (BWFbPTJ) but if I have a random inspiration, I'll write on the mirror anyway.
I'll keep "appointments" and "to do items" separate, so that I make it to those essential activities (work, appointments, and meetings) right on time. Other "to-do" items are to be finished ASAP. I will instead procrastinate on the fun things, instead saving them for later, just breaks, or just skip them altogether (these include watching TV or lolly-gaggling, etc).
I will either create time limits, or a set timer for my breaks. When I don't do one of those, I'm acknowledging that I won't be quitting for something like two hours, or more. That's not helpful, and I can beat myself up when I make a mistake, but I can't let my confidence get messed up over it. ♥
Oh. I have to go. I hear someone doing my dishes! : / Time to clean up. :)
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
My Career Plan!
CLASSES! JOB-PICKING! Care-giving is a good job, and it pays enough that some people (SOME) make it their career choice, even very late in life. So it's great and everything. But it wasn't hard to get there, and I want to have a job that takes more intellect, I guess! :)
So in thinking about my next classes and job choices, I had to pick my career, too. I think I've got a pretty good plan here....
It's still a little bit iffy, and I need to research more about interpreting and translation careers, and what type of music bachelor's I'm going to want. I also am contemplating squeezing in some sort of business classes, since that might be necessary if I'm going to run my own piano lesson teaching business!! (aah. that's a half-hearted scream.) Here you go:
my career plan.
Now: *Keep my NAC job. (it's waaaay part-time, I need another one.)
*Start working as an piano accompanist - I need EXPERIENCE! (In sight-reading and performance)
if not, get another care-giving job, NOT a waitressing job or something!! Look for a HOSPITAL care-giving job--!!! (better $$ I think...?)
*Also: read my bible daily, exercise daily and lose weight to be happy, study piano and languages.
Education steps:Get SOME sort of bachelor's in Music, preferably something that gives me a lot of skill so that I am a GOOD piano teacher, at university level.
While I study music, I also need to learn one language. If I can finish one, I'll move on to another, but first I start with Japanese. 日本語 will likely take more than enough time. (Next in line are Spanish, French, Chinese, Russian... well, unless I decide to focus solely on Asian languages.)
?Can I take this B.A. with me to Japan and work as a language teacher there? (or music teacher??) yeah, That's the questionable part. I have to GO to Japan for a while, at least, if I want to work as an interpreter.
Career Results:Ability to work as a professional, skilled piano teacher, opportunity to continue school and study languages.
Get the kind of language degree that is very advanced in the direction I want to go in so that I can continue as an interpreter who really knows what she's doing in the line of interpreting that I want.
translation, work for a translation agency--?
teach piano lessons
know business stuff so that I do well in my career
keep learning more languages and traveling
Pretty good. This is quite a bit more lined up than I've ever had it before! I can do this. And I love the plan!! Only issue: money. (?whatever shall I do about that?? GET MARRIED!! ahhh nooo noo just kidding. Until and if that happens, I have to find a way to make it all myself....)
So in thinking about my next classes and job choices, I had to pick my career, too. I think I've got a pretty good plan here....
It's still a little bit iffy, and I need to research more about interpreting and translation careers, and what type of music bachelor's I'm going to want. I also am contemplating squeezing in some sort of business classes, since that might be necessary if I'm going to run my own piano lesson teaching business!! (aah. that's a half-hearted scream.) Here you go:
my career plan.
Now: *Keep my NAC job. (it's waaaay part-time, I need another one.)
*Start working as an piano accompanist - I need EXPERIENCE! (In sight-reading and performance)
if not, get another care-giving job, NOT a waitressing job or something!! Look for a HOSPITAL care-giving job--!!! (better $$ I think...?)
*Also: read my bible daily, exercise daily and lose weight to be happy, study piano and languages.
Education steps:Get SOME sort of bachelor's in Music, preferably something that gives me a lot of skill so that I am a GOOD piano teacher, at university level.
While I study music, I also need to learn one language. If I can finish one, I'll move on to another, but first I start with Japanese. 日本語 will likely take more than enough time. (Next in line are Spanish, French, Chinese, Russian... well, unless I decide to focus solely on Asian languages.)
?Can I take this B.A. with me to Japan and work as a language teacher there? (or music teacher??) yeah, That's the questionable part. I have to GO to Japan for a while, at least, if I want to work as an interpreter.
Career Results:Ability to work as a professional, skilled piano teacher, opportunity to continue school and study languages.
Get the kind of language degree that is very advanced in the direction I want to go in so that I can continue as an interpreter who really knows what she's doing in the line of interpreting that I want.
translation, work for a translation agency--?
teach piano lessons
know business stuff so that I do well in my career
keep learning more languages and traveling
Pretty good. This is quite a bit more lined up than I've ever had it before! I can do this. And I love the plan!! Only issue: money. (?whatever shall I do about that?? GET MARRIED!! ahhh nooo noo just kidding. Until and if that happens, I have to find a way to make it all myself....)
Monday, August 30, 2010
AAAAAGHGHGHG
WOOOWWWSIEEEE! THAT TOOK FOREVER!!!!!!!! AAAAUUUUGGGGHH!!!
That's all I need to say.
Okay... two more things. It was horrible.
And... I might never want to change my background AGAIN!! :,C I mean, I'm just really picky with colors, so the colors you see, well, they were very CAREFULLY selected!! I very much like how Romeo and Juliet happened to be over there in the visible section by the blog archive. :) Anyway, I NOW know how to choose whatever background I want, which I was trying to do for sooo long... YES!! :D
8O
8)
Cara is Crazy: Possible Reasons Why
When I have fights with my mom, I take on all her feelings that she has toward me-- when she gets upset during the fight, I mean-- and I get all emotional and upset and teary and stomach-hurting as if I was the one who caused her to feel that way.
I mean, sometimes it IS true that I'm the one who caused her to feel bad. But other times, it's NOT my fault. I have to start admitting that when my mom feels upset during one of our fights, it might just be that she isn't good at handling stress and arguments because she feels bad about herself. I mean, arguments are usually where people yell at each other, right? Well, our arguments almost ALWAYS end with tears. More often, it's been her getting teary, and not me. (I cry later, when I'm feeling emotional and annoyed at the emotional trauma slash disharmony we're causing each other and the other occupants of our house.)
We argue because we can't communicate. It's never really about an actual issue-- it starts that way-- but I think we argue more because we want to change the way we communicate with each other. I say something to her and she doesn't like my tone, so she gets snappy. Since I hate it if she gets snappy, and I feel that I should be allowed to have whatever opinion I want, I get snappy back, which is disrespectful and unnecessary, so she responds by telling me that (fair enough). But by then, I am on a roll, and I don't want listen to her reprimands, so I continue arguing about whatever.
Our arguments usually follow that script. We argue because we want to change the other person....? I guess. We don't like what the other person says or has done, and we say so, and then the other person gets grouchy about it....
I dunno... She wants me to go see a counselor, as if it's my problem. I think I have problems to work out with the counselor, but it annoys me that she might be implying that I am the one who needs to fix something. She says that it's not that, but instead the reason is because SHE can't be my counselor, she needs me to talk to someone ELSE. Basically, I'm stressing her out with all my problems, and she doesn't want to have to handle them, and with our relationship the way it is, there isn't enough trust to solve any issues I'm worried about. It's perfectly sensible-- those reasons-- but I do know that the reasons she and I have fights are not simply my doing. I think she has some things about HER personality that make it very hard to communicate with her. It bugs me that I can't maintain enough control of my emotions to let the things she says not bother me, but somehow I always become hurt, angry, or panicky and I say something to her that leads into another fight. And once one starts, she's so stubborn that she won't let it go until either she's crying or she's won (said her piece or I've agreed.)
I'm going to write down some things that I need to discuss with the counselor, kind of like an outline of my problems so I don't have to tell zillions of stories and never solve anything. :) Here's my title:
These are the Ways in which Cara is Crazy and the Possible Reasons that Tie Together to Form the Reason Why
AKA "WHAT I WANT TO TALK TO MY COUNSELOR ABOUT"
Hahaha. That's pretty funny. :) Here goes. (Beware. This is going to look like a really dysfunctional person. I'm putting everything I can think of, though. I have to cover everything. I might be being a bit too dramatic. Oh, well. Being serious about this will help me to change, as long as I'm not TOO hard on myself.)
FIRST! I have a lot to work on. I don't know which thing is the most important to start with first. I really do need to pick a career, or some sort of direction with my education, and for a while that's what I was worried about, but if my mom keeps threatening to make me move out, maybe that's where I need to start first: communication problems/fighting with my mom and/or other family members.... *sigh*
WAYS IN WHICH CARA IS CRAZY: OUTWARD APPEARANCES
1. binging on food
2. social withdrawal
3. negative self-image or confidence
4. weight gain
5. failing in school, even though I thought I was trying really hard
6. addiction to TV
REASONS THAT TIE TOGETHER TO FORM THE REASONS WHY CARA IS CRAZY
1. Self-boundaries unclear (emotionally, decision-making, etc??? I don't know exactly, I haven't read much of that book yet.)
2. Mom is extra helpful about things I need to learn to handle myself, such as basic chores, getting a job, doing anything, really.
3. Anxiety, being really hyper instead of dealing with a problem slowly and carefully
4. Depression - feeling like, what is the point of life? Does everybody feel so futureless, like I do? If they do, that must be pretty awful. I just don't get what makes people happy. Life is so deeply shallow to me. I would never want to stop living, because I'm waiting for something, but at the moment, I feel kind of sad and worried that I can't pick a career, so I can't see a path in front of me.
5. Letting fear scare me so that I procrastinate; instead of facing my fear, I avoid acknowledging my problems
7. Not very good at understanding how other people feel-- or at least I WANT to, and sometimes it bugs me when I don't.
8. My communication problems (below)
9. Fighting: COMMUNICATION PROBLEMS - items that get in the way of mom and me understanding each other and therefore solving whatever confusion we have between us.
- Mom's temper/anger/aggravation - interferes
- My temper/anger/aggravation - interferes
- my sensitivity - I easily feel sad, upset, panicky about loss of control
- her sensitivity - she easily feels sad, upset, panicky about loss of control
I might be doing something wrong by writing down what I think her problems are. I mean technically, I can't know those things, and maybe that's one example of how I overstep my boundaries emotionally. Arrrgh.
10. I'm stuck-up. Even though I feel embarrassed, shy, and have bad self-esteem, it's really more complicated-- I'm just REALLY SENSITIVE-- I take what others say to heart and I don't trust my beliefs and my self. I let people's compliments blow my head up, but when I get criticized, my head deflates in a snap.
11. I assume I understand how others feel, when I don't, and then I tell them, and they get annoyed because they don't want me to analyze them, and they tell me I'm wrong. I also expect others understand how I feel, so when they don't, my words confuse them and cause more of a fight. As if, just because I know how I feel, everyone else should get it, too, and when they don't, it drives me nuts. I have to learn to be more solitary, more alone. That's how life is sometimes, but I also need to know how to lean on other people than just my family-- I need to lean on my friends, who might understand how I feel sometimes more than my mother.
I just finished a skype conversation with one of sweetest friends, Winter. I really feel a lot better now. Somehow talking to friends is completely different than anything else. I think I really do need to be careful not to be too shy or hiding-at-home, if spending time with friends helps me feel so happy!
I mean, sometimes it IS true that I'm the one who caused her to feel bad. But other times, it's NOT my fault. I have to start admitting that when my mom feels upset during one of our fights, it might just be that she isn't good at handling stress and arguments because she feels bad about herself. I mean, arguments are usually where people yell at each other, right? Well, our arguments almost ALWAYS end with tears. More often, it's been her getting teary, and not me. (I cry later, when I'm feeling emotional and annoyed at the emotional trauma slash disharmony we're causing each other and the other occupants of our house.)
We argue because we can't communicate. It's never really about an actual issue-- it starts that way-- but I think we argue more because we want to change the way we communicate with each other. I say something to her and she doesn't like my tone, so she gets snappy. Since I hate it if she gets snappy, and I feel that I should be allowed to have whatever opinion I want, I get snappy back, which is disrespectful and unnecessary, so she responds by telling me that (fair enough). But by then, I am on a roll, and I don't want listen to her reprimands, so I continue arguing about whatever.
Our arguments usually follow that script. We argue because we want to change the other person....? I guess. We don't like what the other person says or has done, and we say so, and then the other person gets grouchy about it....
I dunno... She wants me to go see a counselor, as if it's my problem. I think I have problems to work out with the counselor, but it annoys me that she might be implying that I am the one who needs to fix something. She says that it's not that, but instead the reason is because SHE can't be my counselor, she needs me to talk to someone ELSE. Basically, I'm stressing her out with all my problems, and she doesn't want to have to handle them, and with our relationship the way it is, there isn't enough trust to solve any issues I'm worried about. It's perfectly sensible-- those reasons-- but I do know that the reasons she and I have fights are not simply my doing. I think she has some things about HER personality that make it very hard to communicate with her. It bugs me that I can't maintain enough control of my emotions to let the things she says not bother me, but somehow I always become hurt, angry, or panicky and I say something to her that leads into another fight. And once one starts, she's so stubborn that she won't let it go until either she's crying or she's won (said her piece or I've agreed.)
I'm going to write down some things that I need to discuss with the counselor, kind of like an outline of my problems so I don't have to tell zillions of stories and never solve anything. :) Here's my title:
These are the Ways in which Cara is Crazy and the Possible Reasons that Tie Together to Form the Reason Why
AKA "WHAT I WANT TO TALK TO MY COUNSELOR ABOUT"
Hahaha. That's pretty funny. :) Here goes. (Beware. This is going to look like a really dysfunctional person. I'm putting everything I can think of, though. I have to cover everything. I might be being a bit too dramatic. Oh, well. Being serious about this will help me to change, as long as I'm not TOO hard on myself.)
FIRST! I have a lot to work on. I don't know which thing is the most important to start with first. I really do need to pick a career, or some sort of direction with my education, and for a while that's what I was worried about, but if my mom keeps threatening to make me move out, maybe that's where I need to start first: communication problems/fighting with my mom and/or other family members.... *sigh*
WAYS IN WHICH CARA IS CRAZY: OUTWARD APPEARANCES
1. binging on food
2. social withdrawal
3. negative self-image or confidence
4. weight gain
5. failing in school, even though I thought I was trying really hard
6. addiction to TV
REASONS THAT TIE TOGETHER TO FORM THE REASONS WHY CARA IS CRAZY
1. Self-boundaries unclear (emotionally, decision-making, etc??? I don't know exactly, I haven't read much of that book yet.)
2. Mom is extra helpful about things I need to learn to handle myself, such as basic chores, getting a job, doing anything, really.
3. Anxiety, being really hyper instead of dealing with a problem slowly and carefully
4. Depression - feeling like, what is the point of life? Does everybody feel so futureless, like I do? If they do, that must be pretty awful. I just don't get what makes people happy. Life is so deeply shallow to me. I would never want to stop living, because I'm waiting for something, but at the moment, I feel kind of sad and worried that I can't pick a career, so I can't see a path in front of me.
5. Letting fear scare me so that I procrastinate; instead of facing my fear, I avoid acknowledging my problems
7. Not very good at understanding how other people feel-- or at least I WANT to, and sometimes it bugs me when I don't.
8. My communication problems (below)
9. Fighting: COMMUNICATION PROBLEMS - items that get in the way of mom and me understanding each other and therefore solving whatever confusion we have between us.
- Mom's temper/anger/aggravation - interferes
- My temper/anger/aggravation - interferes
- my sensitivity - I easily feel sad, upset, panicky about loss of control
- her sensitivity - she easily feels sad, upset, panicky about loss of control
I might be doing something wrong by writing down what I think her problems are. I mean technically, I can't know those things, and maybe that's one example of how I overstep my boundaries emotionally. Arrrgh.
10. I'm stuck-up. Even though I feel embarrassed, shy, and have bad self-esteem, it's really more complicated-- I'm just REALLY SENSITIVE-- I take what others say to heart and I don't trust my beliefs and my self. I let people's compliments blow my head up, but when I get criticized, my head deflates in a snap.
11. I assume I understand how others feel, when I don't, and then I tell them, and they get annoyed because they don't want me to analyze them, and they tell me I'm wrong. I also expect others understand how I feel, so when they don't, my words confuse them and cause more of a fight. As if, just because I know how I feel, everyone else should get it, too, and when they don't, it drives me nuts. I have to learn to be more solitary, more alone. That's how life is sometimes, but I also need to know how to lean on other people than just my family-- I need to lean on my friends, who might understand how I feel sometimes more than my mother.
I just finished a skype conversation with one of sweetest friends, Winter. I really feel a lot better now. Somehow talking to friends is completely different than anything else. I think I really do need to be careful not to be too shy or hiding-at-home, if spending time with friends helps me feel so happy!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
My Job is Going to be Okay!
Work went well! I am not as inexperienced as I thought, and I think I can handle this job. Also, I like the building a lot, at Crystal Palace-- it reminds me of a hotel, and I LOVE hotels. (Just like I love the atmosphere in airports and restaurants and department stores...?) It doesn't smell quite so terrible as the location of my last employment. I'm excited to work there. Now I just have to be happy with myself, too.
I am a very nervous person. I mean, this is especially apparent in how I felt last night while I was working. I feel awkward around people who don't feel awkward around me, I'm REALLY fidgety, and I worry about mistakes I make, like not being able to find someone's pulse. I just have no confidence! Maybe that's not it... because I really do like myself as a person, mostly.... I think that part of the problem is that I have "anxiety" to the point that some psychologists would suggest medication. However, I want to learn how to control the way I feel, not suppress it. :)
It's easy to feel anxious when you're not confident. I think it is something that will go away on its own. I would certainly consider going to a psychiatrist to talk about it if it really is an issue, but I suspect it's not.
Anyway, it's not that bad. I have a bad complexion and I've gained weight. It's okay to want to change, as long as it's possible!!!
I'm off to bed. When I wake up, I'm going to work on getting some of those priorities done that you can see in my last post. Yippee!!
I am a very nervous person. I mean, this is especially apparent in how I felt last night while I was working. I feel awkward around people who don't feel awkward around me, I'm REALLY fidgety, and I worry about mistakes I make, like not being able to find someone's pulse. I just have no confidence! Maybe that's not it... because I really do like myself as a person, mostly.... I think that part of the problem is that I have "anxiety" to the point that some psychologists would suggest medication. However, I want to learn how to control the way I feel, not suppress it. :)
It's easy to feel anxious when you're not confident. I think it is something that will go away on its own. I would certainly consider going to a psychiatrist to talk about it if it really is an issue, but I suspect it's not.
Anyway, it's not that bad. I have a bad complexion and I've gained weight. It's okay to want to change, as long as it's possible!!!
I'm off to bed. When I wake up, I'm going to work on getting some of those priorities done that you can see in my last post. Yippee!!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Evening Thoughts and Plans!
I'm headed to work at ten! AAA!!! So nervous. *sigh*
Some good mantras for today (or everyday):
*The Holy Spirit is connected to me.
*Jesus died for me.
*God loves me.
*I am capable of what I should be-- I CAN do this.
*Lastly, and importantly... I must always do my best to keep improving!
GOALS
1. car-miles notebook,
receipt recording,
don't spend money.
(except on my goals!:)
Learn how to cross "I need this" stuff off my shopping list by recognizing when I don't really need it. Basically, never buy anything. I should, however, buy something if it's NECESSARY for one of my goals.
2. P.R.I.O.R.I.T.I.E.S
(DAILY)
P1|Bible
P2|Work
P3|fatloss
P4|beauty, || PAUSE
(STUDIES: doesn't HAVE to be daily, but it's better if it is)
P5|Piano
P6|Theory
P7|Japanese
If I cover all my goals in one day, I will be more in sync with them, and comprehending their importance daily. Slowly, SLOWLY, I can increase my efficiency-- my power to get things done quickly-- and soon I'll be much more skilled in ALL the areas I'm trying to focus on, without having "bitten off more than I can chew". I'll gain the ability to multi-task, or "task-switch", and get everything I need to get done, done.
I must always do my best to keep improving!
Some good mantras for today (or everyday):
*The Holy Spirit is connected to me.
*Jesus died for me.
*God loves me.
*I am capable of what I should be-- I CAN do this.
*Lastly, and importantly... I must always do my best to keep improving!
GOALS
1. car-miles notebook,
receipt recording,
don't spend money.
(except on my goals!:)
Learn how to cross "I need this" stuff off my shopping list by recognizing when I don't really need it. Basically, never buy anything. I should, however, buy something if it's NECESSARY for one of my goals.
2. P.R.I.O.R.I.T.I.E.S
(DAILY)
P1|Bible
P2|Work
P3|fatloss
P4|beauty, || PAUSE
(STUDIES: doesn't HAVE to be daily, but it's better if it is)
P5|Piano
P6|Theory
P7|Japanese
If I cover all my goals in one day, I will be more in sync with them, and comprehending their importance daily. Slowly, SLOWLY, I can increase my efficiency-- my power to get things done quickly-- and soon I'll be much more skilled in ALL the areas I'm trying to focus on, without having "bitten off more than I can chew". I'll gain the ability to multi-task, or "task-switch", and get everything I need to get done, done.
I must always do my best to keep improving!
I AM MAD ABOUT BEING FAT!!!
Last night I got back from vacation, and once I had a break from unloading the car, I went into the bathroom and stepped on the scale.
AAAGHGHGHGH!!!!! I had gained ten pounds. TEN POUNDS!!!! I now weigh... 190.6 lbs.
!!!
Okay, that is an exaggeration, because I weighed myself at night, and I had a lot of water-weight, and food in my stomach, and that sort of thing.
But seriously. Whenever I gain weight suddenly to a point that shocks me like that, I get really SHOCKED. And READY to DIET.
I'M READY TO DIET!!! I just think about all those people from high school, who remember me as how I looked then-- and I think I gain weight in my face... and oooh this part is soo embarrassing... since high school, I've gained THIRTY POUNDS!!!!!!!!!
*sob sob sob sob*
I don't want to forget this strong motivation once I begin losing weight. Even when I lose ten pounds, I want to think of my NEW weight as negative, not positive. Because if I relax because of my happiness of losing ten pounds, I won't be able to lose more than that, and in my relaxation I will probably even gain the weight back. It's what all those dieters mean when they say, "I can't lose focus."
Yah-I-am-so-ready-for-this!! No stopping me now! I sure hope I don't forget this feeling! GRRRRRRR!
AAAGHGHGHGH!!!!! I had gained ten pounds. TEN POUNDS!!!! I now weigh... 190.6 lbs.
!!!
Okay, that is an exaggeration, because I weighed myself at night, and I had a lot of water-weight, and food in my stomach, and that sort of thing.
But seriously. Whenever I gain weight suddenly to a point that shocks me like that, I get really SHOCKED. And READY to DIET.
I'M READY TO DIET!!! I just think about all those people from high school, who remember me as how I looked then-- and I think I gain weight in my face... and oooh this part is soo embarrassing... since high school, I've gained THIRTY POUNDS!!!!!!!!!
*sob sob sob sob*
I don't want to forget this strong motivation once I begin losing weight. Even when I lose ten pounds, I want to think of my NEW weight as negative, not positive. Because if I relax because of my happiness of losing ten pounds, I won't be able to lose more than that, and in my relaxation I will probably even gain the weight back. It's what all those dieters mean when they say, "I can't lose focus."
Yah-I-am-so-ready-for-this!! No stopping me now! I sure hope I don't forget this feeling! GRRRRRRR!
Monday, August 23, 2010
Goodbye to Alex!
I am a little upset this evening, because I finally told Alex what I needed to. I did it because... because... I lied when I said, and implied, that I enjoyed spending time with him. I must never do such a thing again. I faked interest and made him think I enjoyed his company, but I was really only (selfishly) happy with the fact that he enjoyed my company. I lied by making him think I was happy with everything, and when something would betray me, I became great at covering it up with smiley faces, and "it's okay"s, or "I didn't mean anything by that..." or "no of course that's not what I meant" to hide my real feelings. I couldn't be FRANK with Alex-- to say the true, yet hurtful things-- because I wanted him to keep liking me as a person. Kind of desperate-- and pathetic-- and NASTY!-- of me.
I lied to Alex because I have major self-control issues and boundary definition problems. When I say that, I mean I do things like this:
1) I can't stop watching TV when I need to take a shower or complete overdue homework in a class I'm failing. TV also keeps me from doing normal social things that would be enjoyable if I could actually tear myself away from it.
2) I overeat sometimes, to the point of binging, where my stomach hurts a lot.
3) I'm very emotional in general, like, I burst into tears when teachers scold me about not doing well in school.
4) I can't focus on things, like reading a paragraph to understand a homework question my brother is working on, because I'm worried about how I can't focus.
5) I can't finish what I start.
6) I'm impatient and speak without thinking.
So overall, I have a lack of control. I can't stop myself from doing the things I want to do in the immediate sense. Food, relaxation, and being lazy come naturally to me, at first, and I don't stop myself from obliging my "immediate wants". But so does making other people "like" me. I'm a people-pleaser, and often, I'll do anything to stop people from getting a bad impression of me. Sometimes I try to guess what they're thinking of me and I don't even get it right, and I worry for no reason. And that was why I told Alex lies.
I also know that Alex would be delighted if our relationship progressed to a romantic level, which makes me incredibly uncomfortable because I'm sure I don't want that. I don't consider our lifestyles, personalities, or goals for our futures to be compatible. He's a great person, but if I was in a romantic relationship with him, I would wish he was different in too many ways. Not so nice of me. I want to be able to appreciate my boyfriend/husband's characteristics, and Alex, like any man, DESERVES THAT! that from the woman he wants to be with.
The biggest problem with the friendship between Alex and I was how intimate it was. I couldn't stop myself from saying everything I was thinking, and the things I said weren't always appropriate for a guy-girl friendship, but more for a more intimate girl-girl friendship or romantic relationship. I don't see Alex as completely mature in this area, either, and that's partly because he doesn't just want to be a friend to me, but a boyfriend. It's hard for me to draw a line about where we stand together.
Because of this intimacy, I'm afraid I can't explain ANY of this to Alex. The level at which we communicate is very close and understanding. I say whatever I feel to him (more of that self-control getting out-of-bounds). So when I try to explain it, I may explain something that he won't understand and he'll try to convince me otherwise. I mean, I'm considering editing out the boring and selfish parts of this blog and sending it to him in a PM on Facebook. But the problem is that if I do, he will want to argue about the situation with me, and try to change my mind. I don't want to argue with him, because it's pointless-- I won't be changing my mind. Unless, of course, I've assumed something incorrectly. And I don't want to go over this with him anymore!
You know... I already did this once, a while ago, when I tried to tell him I didn't want to be in a romantic relationship with him. He convinced me that everything was okay, so we stepped backward into the realm of "friends-only", which was falsely "okay" for a while... until now.
Alex bought all my lies-- hook, line and sinker. I am evilly proud of myself for my acting skills, but the result is an entirely different story.
This evening, I was answering one of his texts (along with having the usual argument with my mother about Alex, who thinks she understands everything about him, urrrgh). In a recent post of mine, I admitted that I needed to tell Alex the truth. But I was reconsidering that, AGAIN (!!) and thinking maybe... I could just slowly start ignoring Alex, and being stuffy and non-responsive, until he just kind of gave up. This evening, when I was trying to answer his texts, I realized I would be still lying if I did that, because Alex would never be able to derive the thought that I didn't want to be friends from merely apathetic texts. I couldn't be APATHETIC, I had to be absolutely TRUTHFUL. So I finally told him. FINALLY.
I lied to Alex because I have major self-control issues and boundary definition problems. When I say that, I mean I do things like this:
1) I can't stop watching TV when I need to take a shower or complete overdue homework in a class I'm failing. TV also keeps me from doing normal social things that would be enjoyable if I could actually tear myself away from it.
2) I overeat sometimes, to the point of binging, where my stomach hurts a lot.
3) I'm very emotional in general, like, I burst into tears when teachers scold me about not doing well in school.
4) I can't focus on things, like reading a paragraph to understand a homework question my brother is working on, because I'm worried about how I can't focus.
5) I can't finish what I start.
6) I'm impatient and speak without thinking.
So overall, I have a lack of control. I can't stop myself from doing the things I want to do in the immediate sense. Food, relaxation, and being lazy come naturally to me, at first, and I don't stop myself from obliging my "immediate wants". But so does making other people "like" me. I'm a people-pleaser, and often, I'll do anything to stop people from getting a bad impression of me. Sometimes I try to guess what they're thinking of me and I don't even get it right, and I worry for no reason. And that was why I told Alex lies.
I also know that Alex would be delighted if our relationship progressed to a romantic level, which makes me incredibly uncomfortable because I'm sure I don't want that. I don't consider our lifestyles, personalities, or goals for our futures to be compatible. He's a great person, but if I was in a romantic relationship with him, I would wish he was different in too many ways. Not so nice of me. I want to be able to appreciate my boyfriend/husband's characteristics, and Alex, like any man, DESERVES THAT! that from the woman he wants to be with.
The biggest problem with the friendship between Alex and I was how intimate it was. I couldn't stop myself from saying everything I was thinking, and the things I said weren't always appropriate for a guy-girl friendship, but more for a more intimate girl-girl friendship or romantic relationship. I don't see Alex as completely mature in this area, either, and that's partly because he doesn't just want to be a friend to me, but a boyfriend. It's hard for me to draw a line about where we stand together.
Because of this intimacy, I'm afraid I can't explain ANY of this to Alex. The level at which we communicate is very close and understanding. I say whatever I feel to him (more of that self-control getting out-of-bounds). So when I try to explain it, I may explain something that he won't understand and he'll try to convince me otherwise. I mean, I'm considering editing out the boring and selfish parts of this blog and sending it to him in a PM on Facebook. But the problem is that if I do, he will want to argue about the situation with me, and try to change my mind. I don't want to argue with him, because it's pointless-- I won't be changing my mind. Unless, of course, I've assumed something incorrectly. And I don't want to go over this with him anymore!
You know... I already did this once, a while ago, when I tried to tell him I didn't want to be in a romantic relationship with him. He convinced me that everything was okay, so we stepped backward into the realm of "friends-only", which was falsely "okay" for a while... until now.
Alex bought all my lies-- hook, line and sinker. I am evilly proud of myself for my acting skills, but the result is an entirely different story.
This evening, I was answering one of his texts (along with having the usual argument with my mother about Alex, who thinks she understands everything about him, urrrgh). In a recent post of mine, I admitted that I needed to tell Alex the truth. But I was reconsidering that, AGAIN (!!) and thinking maybe... I could just slowly start ignoring Alex, and being stuffy and non-responsive, until he just kind of gave up. This evening, when I was trying to answer his texts, I realized I would be still lying if I did that, because Alex would never be able to derive the thought that I didn't want to be friends from merely apathetic texts. I couldn't be APATHETIC, I had to be absolutely TRUTHFUL. So I finally told him. FINALLY.
Alex: Hey what's up?And that's all. *sigh* I'm sorry I lied, Alex. But it doesn't have to make sense to you. It's the goodbye part that has to happen, not the making-sense part. And I'm sorry I can't explain it, and that you won't understand. So... goodbye.
Me: Hey
Alex: How are you?
Me: Im good
Alex: Cool. What are you up to?
Me: Not much
Alex: Mind if I call you?
Me: I do mind. I don't have time to talk and i don't want to text with you anymore. I know this won't make sense, but i don't want to be your friend. I don't want to talk about it, either. I'm sorry i'm such a confusing person, but I am asking that you respect this request of mine.
Alex: What in the world? I don't get it. Well it doers make me sad and I was interested to hear about what you thought about the book.
Me: i'm sorry.
Alex: No you're not. If you were sorry you would care. I care about you as a friend and enjoy talking to you. And I thought you felt the same. It really doesn't make much sense.
Alex: Why the heck did you enjoy talking to me so much then?
Me: I'm not going to answer your texts. Bye.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
I had a bad night! Part Two.
I just glanced at that post where I didn't write what happened that one night. That was Wednesday. I was so mad about it, then I figured out how I felt, and it was just so much work to explain it, that I quit. But I really should right it down so that I don't forget how I felt. Here goes! It's going to be long, because I'm telling the WHOLE story. Skip some parts if you don't need the entire thing.
Often during the summer when I have nothing to do (I mean I don't have a job), my schedule gets "off" and I never go to bed at night, I wake up REALLY LATE in the afternoon, I don't do anything productive, and it appears bad to my parents. During the end of this June and in July, I was lazy and I didn't do anything, even look for a job. I was really, really lazy. I watched a lot of anime, exercised sometimes, ate meals, did the dishes, and kept telling myself that "tomorrow", I would practice piano, exercise a lot, start applying for a job, stuff like that. But I never actually did it of my own accord. It was fun to be lazy, but it was also annoying because even I had plans for myself, and I never got around to them. I also felt really embarrassed by the way the people in my house (Mom, dad, my brother, and the friends we have staying with us) looked at my laziness. As usual, I am too sensitive, and that made me want to avoid the problem even more. Anyway, I needed to get a job and I wasn't doing it. I wanted to, but I was letting my shyness and fear of failing stop me every time I thought of actually starting the project of job-searching.
So, my dad came into my room one morning before he left for work. He very sternly told me that if I didn't get a job before August 11, I wouldn't get to go to the lake for vacation with Mom, him, and Teddy. Then he said something worse. If I didn't get a job by September 1 of this year, they would kick me out of the house. Well, he said "We will help you relocate somewhere else" where I could get a job.
(Also, my mom would come in to my room in the morning, and whenever I would be particularly not-listening, and she felt particularly panicky about that, she would say things like, "I hear the food in the homeless shelters is really bad...." AAARRRGGHH!!!)
Both what my mom was always saying, and then especially the ultimatum my father gave me, were incredibly angering to me. I wanted to find a job because I went out myself, not because I was forced to. And you CAN say, no matter what, no one can actually force you to do something, so it's really ALWAYS your own choice. And that's true. But I felt like I was never actually making any decisions on my own. It is a weird feeling, and partly an illusion.... But regardless, it was frustrating.
Anyway, my dad's ultimatum was a good motivation, but when I procrastinate, really NOTHING can move me, not even something like that, for a time, at least. I'm good at ignoring truths, which is something I'm trying not to do so much. So I kept doing the same thing-- planning to go look for a job, and then not going. I really wanted to go on vacation, though. The 11th was a Thursday.
The week before the one with the important Thursday, I started thinking, "Wow, I'm being so idiotic." I mean, I'd been thinking that before, but it was a more serious thought than the times I thought it. So on Friday that week before, I finally started getting ready to go. As it turned out, I didn't have anything ready, and I didn't do well being time-efficient. I couldn't get my resume and references ready in time to leave Friday morning. (I always underestimate the time I'll need to get ready for anything.) Even by Monday, I was completely not ready. I realized I needed to narrow down the list of people I had to visit, so I started calling the numbers I had for the businesses I wanted to apply at.
By Tuesday morning, I hadn't gone out yet, and I was still calling people about their organization and any available openings, and I was freaking out. So I went out. Finally.
I had called an institution called Crystal Palace Rehabilitation (like a nursing home, but more after-hospital care), and they said they had openings for caregivers. Because the director of nursing told me she might be there that afternoon--busy, but maybe available, I drove there first, without even thinking about how far I was driving to get there. (THIRTY MINUTES!!! Ugh. Oh, well....)
After I applied, I asked for the director of nursing services. She was busy, but I was already there and I figured that I could wait just to speak with her briefly. After she was informed by another staff member that I was looking for her, she poked her head out of the door and grouched, "Is that her?"
Ahhh. Scary. I grinned and went to her office.
She looked irritated, glaring at me, saying flippantly, "You know, I thought I made it clear I wouldn't be able to meet with you."
I was really surprised and pulled a little bit of the "Oh, I'm sorry! I-- I-- I didn't mean-- if you're busy, we don't have to--" Now I felt like I was being manipulative, but it was my natural reaction. You're SUPPOSED to try and talk to as many important people as you can about the job you want, even WHEN you apply, if you can. And on the phone, she didn't say "NO, I CAN NOT meet with you".... I didn't know what to think. I wouldn't have minded just making an appointment with her.
But then she said, "No, no... it's fine, it's okay, you're already here, we'll just do it now. Let's just talk."
Wow. An interview. I was glad I'd dressed accordingly.... I was smiling hugely, inside-- and out, I couldn't help it.
She asked me questions about my experience, then said, "Well, do you have any questions about us?"
Yikes, I hadn't researched anything specific about their nursing home. Upon entering, however, I had loved it immediately. It was one-story with low ceilings, making you feel like you were very... flat? But it didn't smell bad at ALL, and I liked the decor and the cuteness of it. It wasn't ugly, and it felt like somewhere I'd want to visit again. So I told her that.
My interviewer replied that the smell was something they worked very hard on. Then she went on to describe that I'd be fired if I called in sick twice in a month. Ah... hahaha. ha. :(
I'd better be careful not to hurt my back! I thought to myself.
So, the interviewing went on, and we talked about the open positions. I explained to her that I needed to obtain a job as quickly as possible.
This forward director of nursing seemed to understand. She didn't ask my situation, and I knew it wouldn't be helpful for me to explain to her that I wanted to secure a job in order to please my parents. Not such a good thing to say. But somehow she got it anyway.
When we got toward the end of the interview, she finished asking me questions and looked at me expectantly. It was time for me to say something.
"Well..." I hesitated. "I would very much like to work here. I think it looks like a very nice place, and I think it would be a good place for me to work. It's... close to home-- where I live-- um, I think."
Well, I was wrong on that last part. But either way. The next thing she said surprised me.
"Well, okay. Here's what I'll do. I'll push those references that you gave me, and if we can get them back, I'll have someone call you on Thursday, sometime Thursday morning. Once that's all finished, we can get you in hired and working on your orientation soon afterward."
I was smiling ear to ear. "Wow! That's wonderful! Thank you, so much!"
I thought that was pretty great. But my worrying wasn't over, yet. My mom was intent on getting me to apply to other places as well. Of course, she was right-- just because I was expecting a call didn't mean I was hired. It was a pretty sticky situation. I didn't want to go to any more places to look, but logically, it was necessary. So my mom convinced me to go on Wednesday, as well.
I decided to indulge her, because when she insists on something like that, it's best to agree, or she'll just keep insisting. She even insisted on going with me, sitting in the car (I only agreed when there was the excuse that we were going out to eat afterward). It actually was nice to have her along. I felt more motivated and certainly more secure. She is quite supportive, I just wish she'd let me be if I ask her to. Oh, well. :) So on Wednesday, I applied to three more places, but I wasn't able to obtain interviews in the speedy manner I was able to at the Crystal Palace. That was worrying, but I tried to count on the idea that I already had a job somewhere else.
If only I hadn't have argued on Wednesday night! Not all of it was my fault though, and I certainly learned something.
Next, read I had a bad night! Part Three.
Often during the summer when I have nothing to do (I mean I don't have a job), my schedule gets "off" and I never go to bed at night, I wake up REALLY LATE in the afternoon, I don't do anything productive, and it appears bad to my parents. During the end of this June and in July, I was lazy and I didn't do anything, even look for a job. I was really, really lazy. I watched a lot of anime, exercised sometimes, ate meals, did the dishes, and kept telling myself that "tomorrow", I would practice piano, exercise a lot, start applying for a job, stuff like that. But I never actually did it of my own accord. It was fun to be lazy, but it was also annoying because even I had plans for myself, and I never got around to them. I also felt really embarrassed by the way the people in my house (Mom, dad, my brother, and the friends we have staying with us) looked at my laziness. As usual, I am too sensitive, and that made me want to avoid the problem even more. Anyway, I needed to get a job and I wasn't doing it. I wanted to, but I was letting my shyness and fear of failing stop me every time I thought of actually starting the project of job-searching.
So, my dad came into my room one morning before he left for work. He very sternly told me that if I didn't get a job before August 11, I wouldn't get to go to the lake for vacation with Mom, him, and Teddy. Then he said something worse. If I didn't get a job by September 1 of this year, they would kick me out of the house. Well, he said "We will help you relocate somewhere else" where I could get a job.
(Also, my mom would come in to my room in the morning, and whenever I would be particularly not-listening, and she felt particularly panicky about that, she would say things like, "I hear the food in the homeless shelters is really bad...." AAARRRGGHH!!!)
Both what my mom was always saying, and then especially the ultimatum my father gave me, were incredibly angering to me. I wanted to find a job because I went out myself, not because I was forced to. And you CAN say, no matter what, no one can actually force you to do something, so it's really ALWAYS your own choice. And that's true. But I felt like I was never actually making any decisions on my own. It is a weird feeling, and partly an illusion.... But regardless, it was frustrating.
Anyway, my dad's ultimatum was a good motivation, but when I procrastinate, really NOTHING can move me, not even something like that, for a time, at least. I'm good at ignoring truths, which is something I'm trying not to do so much. So I kept doing the same thing-- planning to go look for a job, and then not going. I really wanted to go on vacation, though. The 11th was a Thursday.
The week before the one with the important Thursday, I started thinking, "Wow, I'm being so idiotic." I mean, I'd been thinking that before, but it was a more serious thought than the times I thought it. So on Friday that week before, I finally started getting ready to go. As it turned out, I didn't have anything ready, and I didn't do well being time-efficient. I couldn't get my resume and references ready in time to leave Friday morning. (I always underestimate the time I'll need to get ready for anything.) Even by Monday, I was completely not ready. I realized I needed to narrow down the list of people I had to visit, so I started calling the numbers I had for the businesses I wanted to apply at.
By Tuesday morning, I hadn't gone out yet, and I was still calling people about their organization and any available openings, and I was freaking out. So I went out. Finally.
I had called an institution called Crystal Palace Rehabilitation (like a nursing home, but more after-hospital care), and they said they had openings for caregivers. Because the director of nursing told me she might be there that afternoon--busy, but maybe available, I drove there first, without even thinking about how far I was driving to get there. (THIRTY MINUTES!!! Ugh. Oh, well....)
After I applied, I asked for the director of nursing services. She was busy, but I was already there and I figured that I could wait just to speak with her briefly. After she was informed by another staff member that I was looking for her, she poked her head out of the door and grouched, "Is that her?"
Ahhh. Scary. I grinned and went to her office.
She looked irritated, glaring at me, saying flippantly, "You know, I thought I made it clear I wouldn't be able to meet with you."
I was really surprised and pulled a little bit of the "Oh, I'm sorry! I-- I-- I didn't mean-- if you're busy, we don't have to--" Now I felt like I was being manipulative, but it was my natural reaction. You're SUPPOSED to try and talk to as many important people as you can about the job you want, even WHEN you apply, if you can. And on the phone, she didn't say "NO, I CAN NOT meet with you".... I didn't know what to think. I wouldn't have minded just making an appointment with her.
But then she said, "No, no... it's fine, it's okay, you're already here, we'll just do it now. Let's just talk."
Wow. An interview. I was glad I'd dressed accordingly.... I was smiling hugely, inside-- and out, I couldn't help it.
She asked me questions about my experience, then said, "Well, do you have any questions about us?"
Yikes, I hadn't researched anything specific about their nursing home. Upon entering, however, I had loved it immediately. It was one-story with low ceilings, making you feel like you were very... flat? But it didn't smell bad at ALL, and I liked the decor and the cuteness of it. It wasn't ugly, and it felt like somewhere I'd want to visit again. So I told her that.
My interviewer replied that the smell was something they worked very hard on. Then she went on to describe that I'd be fired if I called in sick twice in a month. Ah... hahaha. ha. :(
I'd better be careful not to hurt my back! I thought to myself.
So, the interviewing went on, and we talked about the open positions. I explained to her that I needed to obtain a job as quickly as possible.
This forward director of nursing seemed to understand. She didn't ask my situation, and I knew it wouldn't be helpful for me to explain to her that I wanted to secure a job in order to please my parents. Not such a good thing to say. But somehow she got it anyway.
When we got toward the end of the interview, she finished asking me questions and looked at me expectantly. It was time for me to say something.
"Well..." I hesitated. "I would very much like to work here. I think it looks like a very nice place, and I think it would be a good place for me to work. It's... close to home-- where I live-- um, I think."
Well, I was wrong on that last part. But either way. The next thing she said surprised me.
"Well, okay. Here's what I'll do. I'll push those references that you gave me, and if we can get them back, I'll have someone call you on Thursday, sometime Thursday morning. Once that's all finished, we can get you in hired and working on your orientation soon afterward."
I was smiling ear to ear. "Wow! That's wonderful! Thank you, so much!"
I thought that was pretty great. But my worrying wasn't over, yet. My mom was intent on getting me to apply to other places as well. Of course, she was right-- just because I was expecting a call didn't mean I was hired. It was a pretty sticky situation. I didn't want to go to any more places to look, but logically, it was necessary. So my mom convinced me to go on Wednesday, as well.
I decided to indulge her, because when she insists on something like that, it's best to agree, or she'll just keep insisting. She even insisted on going with me, sitting in the car (I only agreed when there was the excuse that we were going out to eat afterward). It actually was nice to have her along. I felt more motivated and certainly more secure. She is quite supportive, I just wish she'd let me be if I ask her to. Oh, well. :) So on Wednesday, I applied to three more places, but I wasn't able to obtain interviews in the speedy manner I was able to at the Crystal Palace. That was worrying, but I tried to count on the idea that I already had a job somewhere else.
If only I hadn't have argued on Wednesday night! Not all of it was my fault though, and I certainly learned something.
Next, read I had a bad night! Part Three.
Explaining my family situation again!
My mom and I fight a lot, because--I think-- that we both don't know our boundaries. I mean personal boundaries-- as in-- we don't know when to stop giving advice to one another-- when to stop pushing and leave the other alone-- but we also don't know how to ignore each other and feel secure in our choices and actions. It's stupid things that cause the fights, but the fights are serious, and involve tears, talk of moving out, and other serious threat-making.
For instance, I will go to the bathroom door and ask for toiletry items and my towel. My mom is using the bathroom, however, and clearly states she wants me to leave her alone with her privacy. She also mentions she needs some items from the other bathroom upstairs. I blatantly ignore her and try to find a way to explain that I need my items, but she interrupts so that she can't hear what I need, saying, "Leave me alone, I need my privacy." I also have a question about where her mousse (hair product) is, because she asked for it, but I never get to asking her because she can't trust me to leave her alone and so she doesn't listen-- she feels out of control and thinks the only option to regain control is to force me to leave. The other bathroom upstairs is useable, but my clothes are in the bathroom she is occupying, and I can't finish my tasks without the items in the bathroom. I'm irritated and I want her to listen, so I keep arguing, and she throws things at the door angrily. She's good at being stubborn. I think she should listen, but I also know that she's stubborn, and that I could never get her to actually listen, so why do I keep arguing? I've chalked it up to my own bad habits-- that I need to change in order for her to be happy, because she's not going to change for me.
It's like, she is the mother in the house, so she can tell me what to do. But I try so hard to be independent anyway. Also, I'm irresponsible about getting up on-time in the morning, and she and my dad want me to stop doing that. So while I'm trying to develop my own boundaries and do things my own way without worrying about what others think, I have to be careful to do whatever they want to keep them happy with me-- and they are quite particular at times. They can't just accept when I make my own choices, they want too badly to guide me. If I am to stay here in their house, I have to follow their directions, and so I do my best, but every once in a while my bad habits leak out past their ability to tolerate it, and it causes an argument because I can't just keep my opinion quiet. It frustrates me that I can't remember to hold my tongue, but at the same time, it's unfair that I'm treated this way when I'm old enough to be who I want. Even more, I'm old enough to fix the problem.
See, I'm doing this to myself. I don't have to live in this situation-- I can move out. But I love my family, and I want to stay here, so I keep expecting them to change, to somehow trust me enough to learn from my mistakes and make my own choices instead of guiding me. But I could leave, and I could do all that without them trying to guide me in the first place. Really, my choices are:
1) leave so I can do whatever I want in my own apartment, OR
2) get used to listening to what they say, and not being listened to myself, and never letting my temper get ahead of me and starting an argument.
I like option two best, although it sucks how I have to do everything they say. It's not so great. I wish they could learn to treat me with more respect as I get older, but I have to pretend I'm a teenager still, and listen to them, because I don't want to have to pay rent in my own apartment-- that's a lot of money when I'm trying to pay for my own education. It's hard, I just don't feel happy with the situation because I went and made them mad again.
The problem is, I really am irresponsible and immature sometimes. Or lazy, you could say. So they kind of have a right to get upset with me. But at the same time, I think that without them bugging me, I would eventually do something productive in the first place, but they never give me the chance to because they are so often trying to help me.
And my immaturity/irresponsibility is what I need to explain, so that I acknowledge that I do have some problems I need to work on if I'm going to be happy in life, and able to support myself. Read my post, I had a bad night! Part two.
For instance, I will go to the bathroom door and ask for toiletry items and my towel. My mom is using the bathroom, however, and clearly states she wants me to leave her alone with her privacy. She also mentions she needs some items from the other bathroom upstairs. I blatantly ignore her and try to find a way to explain that I need my items, but she interrupts so that she can't hear what I need, saying, "Leave me alone, I need my privacy." I also have a question about where her mousse (hair product) is, because she asked for it, but I never get to asking her because she can't trust me to leave her alone and so she doesn't listen-- she feels out of control and thinks the only option to regain control is to force me to leave. The other bathroom upstairs is useable, but my clothes are in the bathroom she is occupying, and I can't finish my tasks without the items in the bathroom. I'm irritated and I want her to listen, so I keep arguing, and she throws things at the door angrily. She's good at being stubborn. I think she should listen, but I also know that she's stubborn, and that I could never get her to actually listen, so why do I keep arguing? I've chalked it up to my own bad habits-- that I need to change in order for her to be happy, because she's not going to change for me.
It's like, she is the mother in the house, so she can tell me what to do. But I try so hard to be independent anyway. Also, I'm irresponsible about getting up on-time in the morning, and she and my dad want me to stop doing that. So while I'm trying to develop my own boundaries and do things my own way without worrying about what others think, I have to be careful to do whatever they want to keep them happy with me-- and they are quite particular at times. They can't just accept when I make my own choices, they want too badly to guide me. If I am to stay here in their house, I have to follow their directions, and so I do my best, but every once in a while my bad habits leak out past their ability to tolerate it, and it causes an argument because I can't just keep my opinion quiet. It frustrates me that I can't remember to hold my tongue, but at the same time, it's unfair that I'm treated this way when I'm old enough to be who I want. Even more, I'm old enough to fix the problem.
See, I'm doing this to myself. I don't have to live in this situation-- I can move out. But I love my family, and I want to stay here, so I keep expecting them to change, to somehow trust me enough to learn from my mistakes and make my own choices instead of guiding me. But I could leave, and I could do all that without them trying to guide me in the first place. Really, my choices are:
1) leave so I can do whatever I want in my own apartment, OR
2) get used to listening to what they say, and not being listened to myself, and never letting my temper get ahead of me and starting an argument.
I like option two best, although it sucks how I have to do everything they say. It's not so great. I wish they could learn to treat me with more respect as I get older, but I have to pretend I'm a teenager still, and listen to them, because I don't want to have to pay rent in my own apartment-- that's a lot of money when I'm trying to pay for my own education. It's hard, I just don't feel happy with the situation because I went and made them mad again.
The problem is, I really am irresponsible and immature sometimes. Or lazy, you could say. So they kind of have a right to get upset with me. But at the same time, I think that without them bugging me, I would eventually do something productive in the first place, but they never give me the chance to because they are so often trying to help me.
And my immaturity/irresponsibility is what I need to explain, so that I acknowledge that I do have some problems I need to work on if I'm going to be happy in life, and able to support myself. Read my post, I had a bad night! Part two.
Re-read! Things I'm Reminding Myself Of!
1. start writing all my meals down, six-ish a day (divide the three blanks up once, = six) and write a little number in each corner, in a square, for the hour I ate at. Be concise, clear, and do it every time because it's IMPORTANT.
2. I mustn't be so sensitive anymore when it comes to worrying about what others think of me. In a way, it's SELFISH. I need to do what I need to, and keep my self- boundaries clear. I am me, but everyone else is everyone else. So also, I need to be more sensitive when they ask something of me for themselves, and then I need to respect them in turn. If it's effective, tell them the TRUTH about how I feel. If I need to get away from spending time with a person at all (Alex) deal with the problem and be truthful in how I'm feeling, DON'T lie. If it's not effective to tell the truth and I need to STAY in a relationship with that person, just WORK with them, and stop trying to change them with my own opinions and thoughts. That is where the boundary lies.
3. My boundaries-unclear-ness might also be causing problems with my time orientation. It's like I'm unaware of how to control the time in front of me. It's a form of impatience, kind of, but worse. It's like I'm soooo impatient to get to what I want to do (watch TV or do other lazy things that are fun but unproductive) that I never start the other things I NEED to do, like basic things-- doing homework, chores, or other less fun types of tasks. I have to recognize that just because I stop watching TV or eating food (two of my main problems, I guess) that I can come back to those activities later, when they are time-appropriate again. So I need to be more time-appropriate aware, and recognize when it's time to be patient regarding tasks and the time it takes to do them.
4. Pick a time when I want to go to bed ahead of time, write it down on my purple chart, and just go. It's yet another one of those tasks I avoid because I'm not being patient.
5. After assigning myself a time I'm going to go to bed, ahead of time, then I'll need to plan my eating times and exercise times. Because I'm going to bed at a certain time, I've got to plan when I'll eat and exercise so that it doesn't get in the way of sleeping. I should not eat in bed (bad!!! :) so, that means I'll need to be more careful to not be eating during the hour before I head to bed.
2. I mustn't be so sensitive anymore when it comes to worrying about what others think of me. In a way, it's SELFISH. I need to do what I need to, and keep my self- boundaries clear. I am me, but everyone else is everyone else. So also, I need to be more sensitive when they ask something of me for themselves, and then I need to respect them in turn. If it's effective, tell them the TRUTH about how I feel. If I need to get away from spending time with a person at all (Alex) deal with the problem and be truthful in how I'm feeling, DON'T lie. If it's not effective to tell the truth and I need to STAY in a relationship with that person, just WORK with them, and stop trying to change them with my own opinions and thoughts. That is where the boundary lies.
3. My boundaries-unclear-ness might also be causing problems with my time orientation. It's like I'm unaware of how to control the time in front of me. It's a form of impatience, kind of, but worse. It's like I'm soooo impatient to get to what I want to do (watch TV or do other lazy things that are fun but unproductive) that I never start the other things I NEED to do, like basic things-- doing homework, chores, or other less fun types of tasks. I have to recognize that just because I stop watching TV or eating food (two of my main problems, I guess) that I can come back to those activities later, when they are time-appropriate again. So I need to be more time-appropriate aware, and recognize when it's time to be patient regarding tasks and the time it takes to do them.
4. Pick a time when I want to go to bed ahead of time, write it down on my purple chart, and just go. It's yet another one of those tasks I avoid because I'm not being patient.
5. After assigning myself a time I'm going to go to bed, ahead of time, then I'll need to plan my eating times and exercise times. Because I'm going to bed at a certain time, I've got to plan when I'll eat and exercise so that it doesn't get in the way of sleeping. I should not eat in bed (bad!!! :) so, that means I'll need to be more careful to not be eating during the hour before I head to bed.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
I had a bad night!
I have another story. It's a little hard for me to start out. Not because I'm afraid of the truth, though I'm sure that's not helping. It's more because I'm bad with organizing words, like I've demonstrated before in my other long blog entries! :) I am going to TRY to make this understandable.
No, I don't want to talk about it. :/ Maybe later.
No, I don't want to talk about it. :/ Maybe later.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Relationships and Friendships! SUCK!
So that guy I mentioned, Alex?
I have a problem. I mean, a problem with my personality. I really shouldn't put the blame completely on myself, but really... I could solve the problem completely if I worked on myself a little bit more.
I am too nice. Me and Alex have been friends for a while, but our relationship is confusing, and he is uber needy. For a while, I thought I liked him romantically, and he thought the same thing. But I didn't. We aren't right for each other. I can't say that I understand the person that Alex is, but in general, I feel like we don't really connect with each other-- at least, I don't feel understood, and Alex does things that I don't understand, either. But I can't explain this to him, because I love to make people happy. (That's probably only because I like it when people like me.) By being too nice, I lie
Simply put, I haven't been able to tell Alex that we shouldn't be friends. Being friends, to Alex, is something that can morph into a more intimate relationship. And it doesn't matter how many times I try to tell him-- Alex doesn't get it that I AM SURE that we aren't right for each other and he SHOULD NOT be expecting our relationship to turn into something more.
He says that our friendship is more important to him than making it boyfriend-girlfriend, but I don't think he's being honest with himself. Maybe it's not my place to judge that, but I do know that our relationship is totally weird in the context of "friendship". Alex gets depressed about things, and is incredibly lazy. I feel bad for him, like maybe he needs support or something. He's really just NEEDY. He texts me just about every day, like my answers will be a bright little light shining in whatever boredom, laziness, or depression he might be feeling. But it's not my job to help him with these things.
Being friends with Alex is hurting me, because I put a lot of energy into the relationship, and I try to help him out by making him think he's not bothering me, but really, I'm just leading him on, as if our friendship could turn into something else, which I have denied, and I think he still believes is possible.
I have been through this with Alex before, but I really am going to stop it all now. It is easier when I am not attending the same school as him (actually, I'm in another state ha ha ha...) and I have support from my family, and I'm at home, not just mentally but physically.
My mom gave me a paper with what she'd suggest me to tell him (even though he's not going to understand it.) I've modified it, and here's what I will tell him.
"It's not working for us to be friends. I'm going to stop texting and talking to you. I need you to honor my feelings and not try to talk to me anymore. This isn't anything you can change about me or how I feel. It just is. You don't need to understand. I need my space. No more texting. Thanks."
And when he asks "But WHY?!" I will say, "Don't text me anymore." Repeatedly.
This really makes me sound like a horrible person. But there really is no way to get Alex to understand this problem. I shouldn't have to be friends with someone if I don't want to, and there doesn't even need to be a reason. (I'm trying to convince myself here.) I can't explain it to him, and it's not my fault, so it's not my problem, either.
I have a problem. I mean, a problem with my personality. I really shouldn't put the blame completely on myself, but really... I could solve the problem completely if I worked on myself a little bit more.
I am too nice. Me and Alex have been friends for a while, but our relationship is confusing, and he is uber needy. For a while, I thought I liked him romantically, and he thought the same thing. But I didn't. We aren't right for each other. I can't say that I understand the person that Alex is, but in general, I feel like we don't really connect with each other-- at least, I don't feel understood, and Alex does things that I don't understand, either. But I can't explain this to him, because I love to make people happy. (That's probably only because I like it when people like me.) By being too nice, I lie
Simply put, I haven't been able to tell Alex that we shouldn't be friends. Being friends, to Alex, is something that can morph into a more intimate relationship. And it doesn't matter how many times I try to tell him-- Alex doesn't get it that I AM SURE that we aren't right for each other and he SHOULD NOT be expecting our relationship to turn into something more.
He says that our friendship is more important to him than making it boyfriend-girlfriend, but I don't think he's being honest with himself. Maybe it's not my place to judge that, but I do know that our relationship is totally weird in the context of "friendship". Alex gets depressed about things, and is incredibly lazy. I feel bad for him, like maybe he needs support or something. He's really just NEEDY. He texts me just about every day, like my answers will be a bright little light shining in whatever boredom, laziness, or depression he might be feeling. But it's not my job to help him with these things.
Being friends with Alex is hurting me, because I put a lot of energy into the relationship, and I try to help him out by making him think he's not bothering me, but really, I'm just leading him on, as if our friendship could turn into something else, which I have denied, and I think he still believes is possible.
I have been through this with Alex before, but I really am going to stop it all now. It is easier when I am not attending the same school as him (actually, I'm in another state ha ha ha...) and I have support from my family, and I'm at home, not just mentally but physically.
My mom gave me a paper with what she'd suggest me to tell him (even though he's not going to understand it.) I've modified it, and here's what I will tell him.
"It's not working for us to be friends. I'm going to stop texting and talking to you. I need you to honor my feelings and not try to talk to me anymore. This isn't anything you can change about me or how I feel. It just is. You don't need to understand. I need my space. No more texting. Thanks."
And when he asks "But WHY?!" I will say, "Don't text me anymore." Repeatedly.
This really makes me sound like a horrible person. But there really is no way to get Alex to understand this problem. I shouldn't have to be friends with someone if I don't want to, and there doesn't even need to be a reason. (I'm trying to convince myself here.) I can't explain it to him, and it's not my fault, so it's not my problem, either.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Confrontation and Solution!!
I figured out why I have all these arguments with my mom. I mean, it's something I knew before, but I think I've clarified it a little better now. I wrote it down as soon as I thought of it, right there after I talked (and finished arguing, haha...) with my mom, and I even told her what I'd written. To some people, like my friend Alex, my decision about this could be simplified even more by just moving out of my parent's house. However, that would lead to an ending where I've run away, instead of an actual solution... that's why I'm happier with it like this.
(Moving out would be smart and more mature, perhaps, but I don't know if it's the best thing in the long run of my life to simply pull away from my mother, who I haven't been able to get along with because of our high emotions and stubbornness. I think a SOLUTION is better.)
Here's what I wrote!
THIS is really simple. When me and my mom have confrontations, they progress because one of us doesn't give into the other. Under normal circumstances, I'd argue that she should consider what I have to say, just as often as I consider what SHE has to say, like "give and take". However, this isn't a "teamwork" or "roommate" situation, or a "democracy", it's a family. Or kind of like a hierarchy, like in the military, where you have to listen to the top authority no matter what you think, even if you're sure you're right.
The reason this is the problem is because I have to consider that my pride is interfering with my acceptance of my leader's authority. Also, treating my leader (mom) as if she shouldn't be in charge is RUDE, HURTFUL, and INCORRECT. The job is difficult enough on it's own; I need to stop trying to argue with the authority, which is already in it's right place.
I haven't been so nice to her about this in the past, and although I've caused problems, she's retaliated in ways that hurt me too. So I'm not going to be completely horrible to myself by beating myself up, because I feel terrible anyway. But I WILL change.
In the context of other people's lives, this is just an idea that can help by aiding people to realize that sometimes, you have to listen to the authority simply because that's what they are, not because they're right. I think that if authorities didn't exist, it would be hard for people to be unified about something. Eventually, agreement means submission or at least "agreeing to disagree" on SOMEONE's part, unless you ONLY want to hang out with people who share ALL your beliefs. It's a form of respect, kind of.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
SCORE!
GOAL!
I think I've got them down now, really, to a pinpoint. Simplifying things is good. Vacationing (what I've been doing:) ) is good for getting things down to pinpoints like that.
Here we go:
1. Bible, lose weight. (physical)
2. Piano/theory, Japanese, job (career)
3. read (mental)
Here's the explanation, so I DON'T FORGET. !!
1. Bible, lose weight.
I think I've got them down now, really, to a pinpoint. Simplifying things is good. Vacationing (what I've been doing:) ) is good for getting things down to pinpoints like that.
Here we go:
1. Bible, lose weight. (physical)
2. Piano/theory, Japanese, job (career)
3. read (mental)
Here's the explanation, so I DON'T FORGET. !!
1. Bible, lose weight.
2. Piano/theory, Japanese, jobokay, this is the PHYSICAL part. Not that reading the bible is physical, but it is very basic. My life is really based on my religion, because I get depressed in life without a point, and I feel that without God being real, and a part of me and my thoughts and my actions, I don't see a point in life (besides self-enjoyment). Just personal enjoyment, in itself, doesn't seem useful, in the ultimate sense. It's kind of hard to make sense of... :) but anyway, if I don't do read the bible, I'm not paying attention to why I exist. So I've got to start doing that, always, daily.
also! Me not losing weight? It's RUINING MY LIFE! I mean, I'm letting it. So if it bothers me that much, I should just lose weight and be happy with myself! This is about vanity, so WHAT? It's important to me, and it's something I could accomplish if I tried harder. So I WILL. --
NUMBER ONE is the goal I will focus on the most. I think it would center me more than anything else, because these basics, well, are just that. Basics. I need these things to even exist correctly in my reality. Right now, I don't feel like myself because I've gained weight, and I feel wrong somehow. Furthermore, I don't know what decisions to make in my life without God's guidance and a growing understanding understanding of his character (and therefore how I can be like him, making decisions he would want me to). If I could feel confident about my physical self and confident about my mental self by knowing what decisions I should make, that would center me so much more than I am now. Right now, I am NOT okay. This is important.
this is the CAREER part. It's all related to my skills-- what I'll be able to do with my hands (actions) and my brain (ideas, and creativity) in the world. It's how I can use my life. So that involves some education, a job, and some basic getting-life-experience activities.3. read
This is a great goal, but it's not nearly as important as the first two. I want to read in my spare time, when I have it. I want to be the sort of person who immerses herself in stories, poetry, and literature to improve her reading comprehension and slowly learn about the world. Later on, I need to add to this goal by including real-life stuff like learning about real people, not just through stories, but for now this is just a goal to improve my mental capacity and vocabulary. :) My family and I have a lot of books, and I can go to the library. However, I might not have time for this goal, that's okay. It's a reminder of the importance of reading more than a task; I think I have enough other things to do.
Overtaking the World! Bitty Steps!
HAHAHA! I've devised an INGENIOUS plan for overtaking the world! But before I get to that....
It begins, of course, with this other (nearly as) INGENIOUS plan to develop a wide social network. This i will accomplish by texting everyone I know my new cell phone number, and alongside that excuse for a text, I will mention that they should give me their skype information, for fun*wink*. With my incredibly low experience in finding ways to get people to give me their IM info, this is quite an advanced technique which I have developed, and I am excited and impressed.... I'M A GENIUS! HAHAHAHA!
It begins, of course, with this other (nearly as) INGENIOUS plan to develop a wide social network. This i will accomplish by texting everyone I know my new cell phone number, and alongside that excuse for a text, I will mention that they should give me their skype information, for fun*wink*. With my incredibly low experience in finding ways to get people to give me their IM info, this is quite an advanced technique which I have developed, and I am excited and impressed.... I'M A GENIUS! HAHAHAHA!
Day-notes! Tuesday!
This is in a file I have on my computer, "Daynotes".
TUESDAY
call about fax!!!
start a car-miles notebook. I need to know how many miles I can go on one tank. It won't be accurate the 1st time, that's okay.
take your computer to computer-dude. DO this before I go look for jobs. It will get me out of the house, I don't have to do anything else.
planner check!
purple clipboard!
BIBLE - one ch.+
WORK - figure this out. do your best. this is going to be a time-consuming activity from here on, I've got to be a good employee and make my work something important, that I put effort in and make it worthy time spent.
DANCE - good posture, sit right, don't lay around....,workout - have good posture all day, dance-walk, jog and run, dance constantly,eat healthy, and write it down. weight.
PRACTICE - piano, try for 2 hours, ish
JAPANESE - do at least five hiragana, or more. carry around a notebook with a pencil or pen. Try not erasing so much.
READ - read something.
end of day: BWDPJR add two new ones: bible/work/dance/practice/japanese/read - that's SIX.
don't do everything laying down or in my bed, and sit at my desk during non-breaks!
confirm all references
find out date I can start work - is it August 25, Wednesday, or August 26, Thursday? What day do we arrive home, and at what time?
print resume.
CALL CARE HOMES FOR JOB OPENINGS FOR CNA'S and RECEPTIONISTS/OFFICE ASSISTANTS
call universities, churches, and schools about accompanying to find out about hours. Find out about class times - choir?
planner stuff write it on daynotes...
go to five places for work. I have to do it eventually, like jumping in a lake before you go swimming...
Paylmeir-sama; use your imagination! Be positive. Scoot past time with your motivation for other things.... but heaven isn't here yet, so don't lie to yourself!! This isn't it.
look at the sky! go barefoot! BREATHE! jump. go outside when you want, but avoid sunshine.
check out japanese school in Brighton?
How much will I do? Today, only today matters!
TUESDAY
call about fax!!!
start a car-miles notebook. I need to know how many miles I can go on one tank. It won't be accurate the 1st time, that's okay.
take your computer to computer-dude. DO this before I go look for jobs. It will get me out of the house, I don't have to do anything else.
planner check!
purple clipboard!
BIBLE - one ch.+
WORK - figure this out. do your best. this is going to be a time-consuming activity from here on, I've got to be a good employee and make my work something important, that I put effort in and make it worthy time spent.
DANCE - good posture, sit right, don't lay around....,workout - have good posture all day, dance-walk, jog and run, dance constantly,eat healthy, and write it down. weight.
PRACTICE - piano, try for 2 hours, ish
JAPANESE - do at least five hiragana, or more. carry around a notebook with a pencil or pen. Try not erasing so much.
READ - read something.
end of day: BWDPJR add two new ones: bible/work/dance/practice/japanese/read - that's SIX.
don't do everything laying down or in my bed, and sit at my desk during non-breaks!
confirm all references
find out date I can start work - is it August 25, Wednesday, or August 26, Thursday? What day do we arrive home, and at what time?
print resume.
CALL CARE HOMES FOR JOB OPENINGS FOR CNA'S and RECEPTIONISTS/OFFICE ASSISTANTS
call universities, churches, and schools about accompanying to find out about hours. Find out about class times - choir?
planner stuff write it on daynotes...
go to five places for work. I have to do it eventually, like jumping in a lake before you go swimming...
Paylmeir-sama; use your imagination! Be positive. Scoot past time with your motivation for other things.... but heaven isn't here yet, so don't lie to yourself!! This isn't it.
look at the sky! go barefoot! BREATHE! jump. go outside when you want, but avoid sunshine.
check out japanese school in Brighton?
How much will I do? Today, only today matters!
Monday, August 2, 2010
A Balance Between Two Worlds!
I will not give in to doubt, again and again! I say it that way because I know I will tomorrow, or the day after that.... But I have to work on getting stronger, and not let myself be upset when I make mistakes.
And when I do give in to doubts, and feel afraid, I'll remind myself that that's not something to feel bad about, either.
I'll keep fighting.
this is hard. *pout* :)
I was thinking the other day. Obviously:) and... you know how psychologists talk about the difference between a person having an internal or external motivation? I can't find the right word on the Internet.... it's not just how you're motivated, but how you see yourself, and what you believe you can do of your own power. There is a difference between people who believe they are in control of their life to a point, and other people who believe that basically everything that happens to them is beyond their control.
When a person feels that it is not their own actions that determine their situation--their "fate"-- but that it is controlled by outside forces, they feel as though things just "HAPPEN" to them, and they are stuck in a situation, helpless to change it.
On the other hand, a person who believes the opposite way would take control of her situation to the best of her ability. She doesn't give up when something looks challenging-- she stands up to fight, regardless, and does her best until she truly can't anymore. Yes, there ARE such things as "coincidences" and unfortunate things do "happen" that are out of a person's control. It's when you learn to distinguish the difference between things that you can and can't change that you can get on the path to being happy about the choices you've made.
I think I've been confused about these distinguishments for a while, especially involving schoolwork, but I expect there are other things as well. I should explain about the school stuff, because it will help me to work it out. It made a lot of sense to me while I was getting ready for bed.... :)
My grades in school, to me, are a sign of my diligence, not intelligence. If you know how to study, you can get an A. I know that's not true for some people, but for me, I've always been able to get good grades as long as I am THOROUGH in studying. If I pay attention to class announcements, study the information we are to learn on my own, and hand in homework, I can't mess up.
But the problem with this theory is that I was depending on my own skill to get me through a class-- but ONLY my own skill. When teachers assigned homework, I made my own studying a priority before I studied the assigned material.
In theory, doing your own studying to become familiar with material is a great way to learn effectively. But it doesn't get you a good grade, because it means you're learning the information you want to, and not necessarily the information that the teacher wants you to learn. The resulting problem, then, becomes not that you didn't learn, but more importantly, that you didn't get a good grades and it LOOKS like you didn't learn or that you couldn't handle the material. Basically, it looks like something is wrong-- intelligence, motivation, whatever it is it doesn't matter-- what does matter is that you can't succeed and therefore you can't move on to tasks with even more responsibility.
Even in high school, a time that I remember as a time when I produced almost all straight-A's, I realize I had this same problem. But, it was covered up by my extreme motivation to be a good student for my parents, my high standards of perfection that I had not yet marred, and to compete with my fellow students who also got good marks. Even though I tried to pull away from teacher's expectations and, instead, study on my own-- but I never fully ignored those expectations because I used these motivations--parents, peers, perfection-- to make my grades a priority.
Upon entering college, those motivations suddenly vanished with my revelations about my own independence and new free-will. And after I had messed up once, I lost all my confidence. I didn't give up immediately, which actually kind of made it worse, but I didn't know how to make it better, either.
By studying independently, I was trying to keep my situation under control. I thought of myself as a person who controlled my environment from within myself-- that I didn't just let things "HAPPEN" to me. I considered myself strong, not helpless, and that I could change my success and my future with my own hands. But once I got to college, I withdrew my efforts from succeeding in class and tried to succeed by studying without the help of my teachers. I tried to do everything myself, and instead of using my internal motivation to change things, I was allowing the situation to CONTROL ME-- JUST WHAT I THOUGHT I HAD AVOIDED.
What I hadn't realized was that there are certain things within my control, but also some things I had to work with. I was letting the situation control me because I was pretending it wasn't there. But my grades weren't dependent solely on me-- they depended on my situation, which was classroom attendance and the other demands of a teacher to get a good grade!
I think the reason I've done all this might be because of that different way of thinking that I really should have adopted a long time ago. I'm not in school solely to learn the material to the best of my ability, I certainly DON'T have all the time in the world to learn the information, and getting a good grade by pleasing my teachers with my work is a HIGHER priority than learning the information. So, since that grade is a higher priority, it needs to be the matter I take care of first. If I can learn at the same time-- then great-- but that part doesn't matter half as much as getting a grade. You have to turn in the required assignments, and do well on the tests, but not necessarily learn the information that you want to learn. (That usually is what happens when the teacher is bad, especially.) It's sad, but completely true.
In a way, this skill is actually very useful in life-- you can't just do well inside your own world-- you have to SHOW that you can do well by getting good marks, doing well in tests, being accepted socially, and following traditions and rules. It's an annoying principle, but it really makes perfect sense, and it isn't even a bad thing. People who get annoyed at this principle are foolish, because it will always be impossible to change. It's like expecting someone to trust you without having any basis. That's simply not fair to ask, no matter how valuable and worthy trust without basis is (that's faith), it is simply never an entitlement.
I think this might be what I was missing this whole time. I don't know why. Why do I seem to think that people should know me to be capable, trust in me, and believe in me, when there is no basis for it?
haha. That's kind of weird. But for some reason, I feel it very strongly. I am going to have to think about that one. Ummmm.... Right now, the answer seems to be that I'm just being ignorant, or immature, in supposing that people should have such flawless, foolish faith in me. I dunno... I think faith is good, but maybe we can only expect things like that from perfect people, like... God. God understands that mistakes are inevitable, and he can't just take our rights to make them away from us just because their results would be negative. Hmmm. Respect from God-- maybe... that's all I need. That makes me feel a lot better.
Maybe having that kind of faith in others shows a respect for them in a way that would honor God. If I respected other people in God's way, I would be giving them the natural freedom that they deserve to be who they want and make their own choices-- the kind of choices that God gave all humans at the beginning of time-- just like the choice to love or not to love him.
There's something here, something big. God has a respect, a faith, in me. Something unfathomable. Something indistinguishable... like the faith that a person can change fate, regardless of their weakness, their apparent inability. God is allowing me to make the choice of whether or not to choose him-- heaven or fire? Eternal life, or death? (There's a big question mark for you!) It's up to me... completely. But by allowing us to choose, on our own, don't you think God is sending a message-- like, "You are capable of choosing the right choice. I don't mind giving you this choice because I made you capable of handling it. But you can do whatever you want with this choice, that's why it's a choice." And then he stands back, so we can choose on our own. Powerful.
That's the kind of faith I wish others could have in me. But I guess, the only thing I can do is have that faith in others, or at least that respect for others (you can't trust EVERYBODY, that also is foolish). Even if other people don't have that faith for me-- I don't need to worry about myself so terribly much. It's time for me to get off my high horse and give up wining about how others see me. I DO NOT CARE. I mean, theoretically. No. I WILL NOT CARE!!!
(It's also the kind of faith that is the best for parents to have in their kids. I don't mean "honey, it's okay if you run out into the street, because if you get run over by a car then you'll learn from your mistakes". I mean it's knowing, as a parent, what kind of choices your kid is capable of, and then respecting their free-will by letting them make those choices themselves.)
I want to work harder to succeed in my attempts to explore the world, learn a trade, and build relationships--without these things, I'm not living. I have to work harder for these things, but I have to do it by working within the boundaries that are already set in place, and knowing that God has a faith in me, no matter what others have. I can't control my situation entirely. The "I am in control of my life" thing is where I got lost in this issue. The way I have to think of it differently, now, is that I am in control of SOME things in my life. And the things I CAN'T change, I must instead accept, abide by, and obey. So, in some ways, those people who believe they are "helpless" are right. Well, half-right. Don't think of yourself as in control of your surroundings, but remember, some things only YOU can change... your ultimate fate... is really up to you. (Higurashi No Naku Koro Ni Kai!!! hahaha. Don't watch it.) Once again, the answer is... balance, between the two worlds-- internal, external.
Wow. Bleh. I'm done with all THAT! Sorry, it is just so loooong!!! It's good though, I feel like I really explained something that's been bothering me.
My friend Alex has told me to read the book, Boundaries, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. He said it helped him enormously with stuff he was doing wrong. It sounded to me like something that help me with what I've been explaining in this post, so I bought the audio-book on amazon. I'll get package soon, I'm excited!! I'll let you know what I learn from it. Apparently I'm going to have to practice what it says to do, and all that.
*I also bought two new brush-pens! I'm REALLY excited about those!!! They're for my Japanese kanji and kana practice! :)* Hee hee. Bye bye!
And when I do give in to doubts, and feel afraid, I'll remind myself that that's not something to feel bad about, either.
I'll keep fighting.
this is hard. *pout* :)
I was thinking the other day. Obviously:) and... you know how psychologists talk about the difference between a person having an internal or external motivation? I can't find the right word on the Internet.... it's not just how you're motivated, but how you see yourself, and what you believe you can do of your own power. There is a difference between people who believe they are in control of their life to a point, and other people who believe that basically everything that happens to them is beyond their control.
When a person feels that it is not their own actions that determine their situation--their "fate"-- but that it is controlled by outside forces, they feel as though things just "HAPPEN" to them, and they are stuck in a situation, helpless to change it.
On the other hand, a person who believes the opposite way would take control of her situation to the best of her ability. She doesn't give up when something looks challenging-- she stands up to fight, regardless, and does her best until she truly can't anymore. Yes, there ARE such things as "coincidences" and unfortunate things do "happen" that are out of a person's control. It's when you learn to distinguish the difference between things that you can and can't change that you can get on the path to being happy about the choices you've made.
I think I've been confused about these distinguishments for a while, especially involving schoolwork, but I expect there are other things as well. I should explain about the school stuff, because it will help me to work it out. It made a lot of sense to me while I was getting ready for bed.... :)
My grades in school, to me, are a sign of my diligence, not intelligence. If you know how to study, you can get an A. I know that's not true for some people, but for me, I've always been able to get good grades as long as I am THOROUGH in studying. If I pay attention to class announcements, study the information we are to learn on my own, and hand in homework, I can't mess up.
But the problem with this theory is that I was depending on my own skill to get me through a class-- but ONLY my own skill. When teachers assigned homework, I made my own studying a priority before I studied the assigned material.
In theory, doing your own studying to become familiar with material is a great way to learn effectively. But it doesn't get you a good grade, because it means you're learning the information you want to, and not necessarily the information that the teacher wants you to learn. The resulting problem, then, becomes not that you didn't learn, but more importantly, that you didn't get a good grades and it LOOKS like you didn't learn or that you couldn't handle the material. Basically, it looks like something is wrong-- intelligence, motivation, whatever it is it doesn't matter-- what does matter is that you can't succeed and therefore you can't move on to tasks with even more responsibility.
Even in high school, a time that I remember as a time when I produced almost all straight-A's, I realize I had this same problem. But, it was covered up by my extreme motivation to be a good student for my parents, my high standards of perfection that I had not yet marred, and to compete with my fellow students who also got good marks. Even though I tried to pull away from teacher's expectations and, instead, study on my own-- but I never fully ignored those expectations because I used these motivations--parents, peers, perfection-- to make my grades a priority.
Upon entering college, those motivations suddenly vanished with my revelations about my own independence and new free-will. And after I had messed up once, I lost all my confidence. I didn't give up immediately, which actually kind of made it worse, but I didn't know how to make it better, either.
By studying independently, I was trying to keep my situation under control. I thought of myself as a person who controlled my environment from within myself-- that I didn't just let things "HAPPEN" to me. I considered myself strong, not helpless, and that I could change my success and my future with my own hands. But once I got to college, I withdrew my efforts from succeeding in class and tried to succeed by studying without the help of my teachers. I tried to do everything myself, and instead of using my internal motivation to change things, I was allowing the situation to CONTROL ME-- JUST WHAT I THOUGHT I HAD AVOIDED.
What I hadn't realized was that there are certain things within my control, but also some things I had to work with. I was letting the situation control me because I was pretending it wasn't there. But my grades weren't dependent solely on me-- they depended on my situation, which was classroom attendance and the other demands of a teacher to get a good grade!
I think the reason I've done all this might be because of that different way of thinking that I really should have adopted a long time ago. I'm not in school solely to learn the material to the best of my ability, I certainly DON'T have all the time in the world to learn the information, and getting a good grade by pleasing my teachers with my work is a HIGHER priority than learning the information. So, since that grade is a higher priority, it needs to be the matter I take care of first. If I can learn at the same time-- then great-- but that part doesn't matter half as much as getting a grade. You have to turn in the required assignments, and do well on the tests, but not necessarily learn the information that you want to learn. (That usually is what happens when the teacher is bad, especially.) It's sad, but completely true.
In a way, this skill is actually very useful in life-- you can't just do well inside your own world-- you have to SHOW that you can do well by getting good marks, doing well in tests, being accepted socially, and following traditions and rules. It's an annoying principle, but it really makes perfect sense, and it isn't even a bad thing. People who get annoyed at this principle are foolish, because it will always be impossible to change. It's like expecting someone to trust you without having any basis. That's simply not fair to ask, no matter how valuable and worthy trust without basis is (that's faith), it is simply never an entitlement.
I think this might be what I was missing this whole time. I don't know why. Why do I seem to think that people should know me to be capable, trust in me, and believe in me, when there is no basis for it?
haha. That's kind of weird. But for some reason, I feel it very strongly. I am going to have to think about that one. Ummmm.... Right now, the answer seems to be that I'm just being ignorant, or immature, in supposing that people should have such flawless, foolish faith in me. I dunno... I think faith is good, but maybe we can only expect things like that from perfect people, like... God. God understands that mistakes are inevitable, and he can't just take our rights to make them away from us just because their results would be negative. Hmmm. Respect from God-- maybe... that's all I need. That makes me feel a lot better.
Maybe having that kind of faith in others shows a respect for them in a way that would honor God. If I respected other people in God's way, I would be giving them the natural freedom that they deserve to be who they want and make their own choices-- the kind of choices that God gave all humans at the beginning of time-- just like the choice to love or not to love him.
There's something here, something big. God has a respect, a faith, in me. Something unfathomable. Something indistinguishable... like the faith that a person can change fate, regardless of their weakness, their apparent inability. God is allowing me to make the choice of whether or not to choose him-- heaven or fire? Eternal life, or death? (There's a big question mark for you!) It's up to me... completely. But by allowing us to choose, on our own, don't you think God is sending a message-- like, "You are capable of choosing the right choice. I don't mind giving you this choice because I made you capable of handling it. But you can do whatever you want with this choice, that's why it's a choice." And then he stands back, so we can choose on our own. Powerful.
That's the kind of faith I wish others could have in me. But I guess, the only thing I can do is have that faith in others, or at least that respect for others (you can't trust EVERYBODY, that also is foolish). Even if other people don't have that faith for me-- I don't need to worry about myself so terribly much. It's time for me to get off my high horse and give up wining about how others see me. I DO NOT CARE. I mean, theoretically. No. I WILL NOT CARE!!!
(It's also the kind of faith that is the best for parents to have in their kids. I don't mean "honey, it's okay if you run out into the street, because if you get run over by a car then you'll learn from your mistakes". I mean it's knowing, as a parent, what kind of choices your kid is capable of, and then respecting their free-will by letting them make those choices themselves.)
I want to work harder to succeed in my attempts to explore the world, learn a trade, and build relationships--without these things, I'm not living. I have to work harder for these things, but I have to do it by working within the boundaries that are already set in place, and knowing that God has a faith in me, no matter what others have. I can't control my situation entirely. The "I am in control of my life" thing is where I got lost in this issue. The way I have to think of it differently, now, is that I am in control of SOME things in my life. And the things I CAN'T change, I must instead accept, abide by, and obey. So, in some ways, those people who believe they are "helpless" are right. Well, half-right. Don't think of yourself as in control of your surroundings, but remember, some things only YOU can change... your ultimate fate... is really up to you. (Higurashi No Naku Koro Ni Kai!!! hahaha. Don't watch it.) Once again, the answer is... balance, between the two worlds-- internal, external.
Wow. Bleh. I'm done with all THAT! Sorry, it is just so loooong!!! It's good though, I feel like I really explained something that's been bothering me.
My friend Alex has told me to read the book, Boundaries, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. He said it helped him enormously with stuff he was doing wrong. It sounded to me like something that help me with what I've been explaining in this post, so I bought the audio-book on amazon. I'll get package soon, I'm excited!! I'll let you know what I learn from it. Apparently I'm going to have to practice what it says to do, and all that.
*I also bought two new brush-pens! I'm REALLY excited about those!!! They're for my Japanese kanji and kana practice! :)* Hee hee. Bye bye!
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