I was reading something in an inspirational email from TOFUGU or TEXTFUGU or something dot com. It referenced something that Jackie Chan has said, which goes kind of like this.
Don't ever stop challenging yourself. Just go for it, and then keep going, and then farther than that -- never stop trying to do better-- or there's no point in being alive.
It's kind of dramatic, but I totally get it right now. It helps me with my confidence.
I think that... I need to have more respect for myself, MORE, a LOT MORE. Because, I'm guessing, that people who have a lot of respect for themselves, and moreover, a lot of expectations for themselves, will aim higher. Why shouldn't I?
But it's hard to have high, higher, and higher expectations when I don't have confidence. As in, how can I expect something of myself if I don't think I can do anything great?
I don't know where a person finds confidence. But today I prayed for help, to figure out what to do with my life, and I was just soo... what do I do? (kind of like Orihime does when Ichigo has that hole in his chest) (I just remembered) and my day has been going better than in weeks. SIGH okay I HAVE to pray more, it WORKS, and I am IGNORING GOD. !!! One can find strength in God, when there's no one else.
For someone who doesn't care about God, I could say that prayer is a little bit like... listening to your heart. It's like reaching deep down inside you, to a place that is always calm, and stable, that center that has wind whirling around but inside is quiet and sure, always existing as long as you do. That place can tell you the truth, the reality of passing beyond your current predicaments and beyond this life. That's what God does for me, when I pray. He reminds me of the obvious things that I couldn't have noticed on my own, in my panicked state.
(That counteracts Bleach's philosophy a bit, and I love Bleach, but it IS missing some things spiritually. Ironically enough. But most media is, at least, regarding Christian stuff.)
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Respecting and Denial of Self
It's important for a person to remember that she must mostly always do things in respect of herself, and what she believes in, first. Not for other people. Because if I do things for others, I do at least believe in doing things for others. But I believe in doing things for others. So it still has to start with myself. I shouldn't do things for others only for them, but I should do things for them because I want to.
So even when I do "unselfish" things, they are ultimately selfish. But perhaps here is when we admit that being selfish is not really all so bad. I don't think it's the same thing as evil pride or shallow vanity. It's a form of pride or vanity that is necessary for existence, of self. Denial of self? Pah.
It has it's own place, but not in this context.
(My context. Of me.)
I'm trying to say that I worry too much about what others say to me, or worse and even sillier, what I imagine they are thinking of me. Denial of self? That's where I say PSHAA!
So even when I do "unselfish" things, they are ultimately selfish. But perhaps here is when we admit that being selfish is not really all so bad. I don't think it's the same thing as evil pride or shallow vanity. It's a form of pride or vanity that is necessary for existence, of self. Denial of self? Pah.
It has it's own place, but not in this context.
(My context. Of me.)
I'm trying to say that I worry too much about what others say to me, or worse and even sillier, what I imagine they are thinking of me. Denial of self? That's where I say PSHAA!
Things To Make Myself Do
I've decided I want more self control. But self-control comes from just doing stuff. And practice in doing things for a long time, and not getting distracted by something else... simply because you don't let yourself get distracted.
So! Here's a list of things I will be doing every day, with the goal of "not getting distracted" in order to build up my brain, filled up with self-control! YEAH!
THEORY: five pages.
1. piano, 1-1.5-5 hour.
2. japanese, 5-30 things
3. work or jobsearch, 3-20
4. Bible, 1-6 ch.
So! Here's a list of things I will be doing every day, with the goal of "not getting distracted" in order to build up my brain, filled up with self-control! YEAH!
THEORY: five pages.
1. piano, 1-1.5-5 hour.
2. japanese, 5-30 things
3. work or jobsearch, 3-20
4. Bible, 1-6 ch.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Revelation Review... Deja vu again!
I get really inspired when I haven't slept. Like, I can think - STRAIGHT - and it feels really good. It's like the entire day is weighing on me, and I can handle all of it, because I feel calm and ready to forget about it any second... like I don't care because as long as I get to go to sleep for sure, I can make it. But so often at ten pm at night, I think, I don't want to go to bed. But there isn't a solution to this problem besides just making yourself go to sleep. I just never want to until morning. Isn't that silly? It's just my messed up schedule, I think. I'll bet not very many people have this problem! Because I could control and fix it if I really wanted to. I think I'm just being selfish.
Anyway, I wrote down some good stuff in my Daynotes on my PC and I wanted to put it in here in case I lost it. It's really good. I want to follow these things and actually change these habits. I emphasize "actually" because often I make lists, but if I don't really put my whole heart into them while I'm writing it, AND if I don't go back and re-read it, I don't end up changing that habit. I've changed a few of my habits with list writing, so I won't give up yet. So here's the most important thing: I have to go back and re-read this list, so I have it on a shortcut on my desktop. We'll see! Read it, it's good, though it may not apply to you. :) Really, if you don't have "self-control" problems, you can't relate to me in this way, but if some of this applies to you, you should think about it because these changes can be good. But.. haha... what do I know?!
" because I can't keep perspective, and I can't depend (or won't let myself depend) on other people to help me fix my perspective, I have to FIND a way to do it myself. REMEMBER: feelings are AWESOME, but they don't dictate logic. Watch out, feelings are also very foolish. That's what I mean about maintaining perspective. I let my feelings wash me away like a river, and sometimes I realize too late that I should have walked upstream to swim down an entirely different river. Here's a possible plan:
have rules for myself that I KNOW, if I break them, I will probably lose control.
SCHEDULE STUFF - wholeheart to change
1. watch anime as much as I want, but get other things done first, that are on this list. In order to do that, I need to have a list that I write down what I have to get done each day.
2. Get the major things I need to get done, each day, first. That includes work, chores, meals, study, and spiritual communication hahaha, no really. COMMUNICATING WITH _GOD_.
If I write a list for each day, it will keep my tasks in perspective so I don't put it off till later and never get it done. I have to push myself in order to be successful, because I am foolish and I forget that my life now is just a dying thing.
3. Get the things on this list done BEFORE breaks, including everything. I have to learn how to survive a day, because once I get distracted, it's hard to pull back and I'm capable of holding out longer. When I need a rest, take a PEACE break (some other way than with entertainment) then MOVE ON and get more done. I can be MORE efficient this way. Use imagination to keep myself happy and moving, as if someone else is pushing me, when really, it's just me!
4. When I do allow myself to watch anime, I have to keep a watch of the time, no matter what my excuse is for not being aware of it, it is TOO possible. So I need to be aware of all my scheduled important things, and stop my relaxation and remember that life is just as fun, but sometimes I forget because it's not ideal in the same way, so I need to grow a better imagination. Don't force myself, have FUN. Also, get ABSORBED in each task, one task! I only need imagination to START with, then I can let my feelings taking me away.
RULES-TO-NOT-BREAK STUFF - simple things to keep
1. when I eat, it should be something that mostly involves hands-on preparation and gathering, not microwaving, and preferably less packaging. At least 50% of all content should be something I cook or cut.
2. when I eat, I should study - READING - or nothing. only snacks and drinks are for TV and entertainment, and I should get used to doing less of that, too. keep a book upstairs that I read with food, and a book downstairs that I'm studying, too. That way I can study multiple things at once, like I always want, and I won't forget where I leave my books.
3. exercise daily. this is a variable thing in that it can be done in a lot of ways, so just do one of them, and make sure to get tired and loosened up. evening is better, and try to go to bed right after, but if not, make sure to calm down and have eaten before bedtime.
4. keep a bedtime, and stick to it with lights out and everything. Use calming methods and anticipate when they will be needed instead of realizing three hours later that I should have taken a sleeping pill or listened to music.
5. instead of watching two hours of anime, watch less and study japanese first. I just have to make myself do it, because if I don't do it daily I'll never learn all the kanji.
Anyway, I wrote down some good stuff in my Daynotes on my PC and I wanted to put it in here in case I lost it. It's really good. I want to follow these things and actually change these habits. I emphasize "actually" because often I make lists, but if I don't really put my whole heart into them while I'm writing it, AND if I don't go back and re-read it, I don't end up changing that habit. I've changed a few of my habits with list writing, so I won't give up yet. So here's the most important thing: I have to go back and re-read this list, so I have it on a shortcut on my desktop. We'll see! Read it, it's good, though it may not apply to you. :) Really, if you don't have "self-control" problems, you can't relate to me in this way, but if some of this applies to you, you should think about it because these changes can be good. But.. haha... what do I know?!
" because I can't keep perspective, and I can't depend (or won't let myself depend) on other people to help me fix my perspective, I have to FIND a way to do it myself. REMEMBER: feelings are AWESOME, but they don't dictate logic. Watch out, feelings are also very foolish. That's what I mean about maintaining perspective. I let my feelings wash me away like a river, and sometimes I realize too late that I should have walked upstream to swim down an entirely different river. Here's a possible plan:
have rules for myself that I KNOW, if I break them, I will probably lose control.
SCHEDULE STUFF - wholeheart to change
1. watch anime as much as I want, but get other things done first, that are on this list. In order to do that, I need to have a list that I write down what I have to get done each day.
2. Get the major things I need to get done, each day, first. That includes work, chores, meals, study, and spiritual communication hahaha, no really. COMMUNICATING WITH _GOD_.
If I write a list for each day, it will keep my tasks in perspective so I don't put it off till later and never get it done. I have to push myself in order to be successful, because I am foolish and I forget that my life now is just a dying thing.
3. Get the things on this list done BEFORE breaks, including everything. I have to learn how to survive a day, because once I get distracted, it's hard to pull back and I'm capable of holding out longer. When I need a rest, take a PEACE break (some other way than with entertainment) then MOVE ON and get more done. I can be MORE efficient this way. Use imagination to keep myself happy and moving, as if someone else is pushing me, when really, it's just me!
4. When I do allow myself to watch anime, I have to keep a watch of the time, no matter what my excuse is for not being aware of it, it is TOO possible. So I need to be aware of all my scheduled important things, and stop my relaxation and remember that life is just as fun, but sometimes I forget because it's not ideal in the same way, so I need to grow a better imagination. Don't force myself, have FUN. Also, get ABSORBED in each task, one task! I only need imagination to START with, then I can let my feelings taking me away.
RULES-TO-NOT-BREAK STUFF - simple things to keep
1. when I eat, it should be something that mostly involves hands-on preparation and gathering, not microwaving, and preferably less packaging. At least 50% of all content should be something I cook or cut.
2. when I eat, I should study - READING - or nothing. only snacks and drinks are for TV and entertainment, and I should get used to doing less of that, too. keep a book upstairs that I read with food, and a book downstairs that I'm studying, too. That way I can study multiple things at once, like I always want, and I won't forget where I leave my books.
3. exercise daily. this is a variable thing in that it can be done in a lot of ways, so just do one of them, and make sure to get tired and loosened up. evening is better, and try to go to bed right after, but if not, make sure to calm down and have eaten before bedtime.
4. keep a bedtime, and stick to it with lights out and everything. Use calming methods and anticipate when they will be needed instead of realizing three hours later that I should have taken a sleeping pill or listened to music.
5. instead of watching two hours of anime, watch less and study japanese first. I just have to make myself do it, because if I don't do it daily I'll never learn all the kanji.
day looks like this, with details and check-mark signs beside...
(homework)(take time to be beautiful)(prayer)
class
work
chores
study
japanese
exercise
bedtime - pick one!
[T1]read this list and update. D-A-I-L-Y, PM esp. I get to order ピーチガール in 175!!!!!!! fourteen days later..."
[T1]read this list and update. D-A-I-L-Y, PM esp. I get to order ピーチガール in 175!!!!!!! fourteen days later..."
Monday, December 20, 2010
Center....
I want to have self-control over my actions, so that when I feel like doing something, I can realize in my head (not my heart) whether or not it's a smart idea, and be patient about waiting. "All in time" would be a good thing to think.
I want to have less material possessions, not necessarily too "simple", but because I don't want to keep so many things that I don't use and clutter up my life. I want to know where everything is and not have a complicated mess.
I want to learn how to say no when something isn't best for me, and not care that other people are irritated by it. Perhaps I mean... I should center my thoughts more around myself? And perhaps also... acknowledge when certain problems aren't mine and I don't have to care about others?
I want to be in control of my life. This isn't about something unattainable; I'm not being unreasonable. I wish for these these things only regarding myself. I can change who I am. I'm not trying to change the things around me that aren't under my control, I'm trying become someone who guides her own life, instead of letting just any current take her in circles (therefore getting nowhere).
It works out well that I have a journal like this (and this part annoys me, but it doesn't matter) because no one has to care about this, since it's all about me. I'm complaining about my internal issues. So it feels so good to be able to write it down, even if I'm really the only one who has to listen to it.
I want to have less material possessions, not necessarily too "simple", but because I don't want to keep so many things that I don't use and clutter up my life. I want to know where everything is and not have a complicated mess.
I want to learn how to say no when something isn't best for me, and not care that other people are irritated by it. Perhaps I mean... I should center my thoughts more around myself? And perhaps also... acknowledge when certain problems aren't mine and I don't have to care about others?
I want to be in control of my life. This isn't about something unattainable; I'm not being unreasonable. I wish for these these things only regarding myself. I can change who I am. I'm not trying to change the things around me that aren't under my control, I'm trying become someone who guides her own life, instead of letting just any current take her in circles (therefore getting nowhere).
It works out well that I have a journal like this (and this part annoys me, but it doesn't matter) because no one has to care about this, since it's all about me. I'm complaining about my internal issues. So it feels so good to be able to write it down, even if I'm really the only one who has to listen to it.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
IMPOSSIBLE?
So in the future, when I get a new job, I will expect that the next few weeks (IF I'm working full-time) will be absolutely horrible. Then, I won't be surprised.
I need to learn how to be braver, to tough it out. At family worship last night, we read a story from Chicken Soup for the Soul (volume something or other, I can go find it if you really want to know:) and there was something interesting:
I can't remember! Just a second. Okay, it's the story on page 303 in A 3rd Serving of Chicken Soup for the Soul. The mother tells her twenty-year-old son after his recent paralysis: "While the difficult takes time... the impossible just takes a little longer."
It's really true! I don't use it very much, but I bet if people thought that way more often, they would be much more successful. When I was little, I used this idea (not on purpose) to practice piano. Don't stop just when you feel like you should be finished! Keep GOING until you actually finish. Sometimes we forget to do that, right? Don't give up. Seriously.
I need to learn how to be braver, to tough it out. At family worship last night, we read a story from Chicken Soup for the Soul (volume something or other, I can go find it if you really want to know:) and there was something interesting:
I can't remember! Just a second. Okay, it's the story on page 303 in A 3rd Serving of Chicken Soup for the Soul. The mother tells her twenty-year-old son after his recent paralysis: "While the difficult takes time... the impossible just takes a little longer."
It's really true! I don't use it very much, but I bet if people thought that way more often, they would be much more successful. When I was little, I used this idea (not on purpose) to practice piano. Don't stop just when you feel like you should be finished! Keep GOING until you actually finish. Sometimes we forget to do that, right? Don't give up. Seriously.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Taking Action
Decide what time I'm going to wake up the next day before I go to sleep (or pick a time to go to sleep)
--> make a sort of "deadline" for going to bed, and do my best to adhere to it (deadline is such a great word! think of it more literally.)
Do work stuff mostly always before play stuff. Remember that an end really is in sight.
I get inspirational emails to help me learn Japanese from TextFugu.com . I love them. Here's what I want to think about after reading it: what's my "bigger purpose" or goal -- what can I imagine myself doing in three years if it could be anything I wanted-- what do I want to do? Imagine THAT, and then think: what are three small things you could do right now to get you closer to that place in your mind's eyes?
I need to be more literal with myself, and connect my smaller actions, the right-now actions, to my future. Because that's exactly what they are-- little bitty things added together make a future.
I have to start studying a lot. Mainly piano and theory. I think studying might be more useful than talent, so I can't sit around worrying that I have enough talent or not. If I just studied a ton, I'd do better than about ninety percent of those talented people who haven't been studying. As of right now, my laziness will not be getting me anywhere, so I have to change that.
New literal goals: [write these down in notebook and try to do it everyday.]
1. piano,theory/6days. bible7/days.
2. exercise/walk dog/chores seven days.
3. think about my main goals (read them) and think of what I am doing that day to get there, pick immediate things, and try not to forget them.
4. pick a time to wake up (and then also to go to bed that night before) and work to get it right.
5. use my imagination for each thing I do. in everything, remember who I can be if I choose. I wish I could go back in time, but I can't, so all I have is what I can do now. I have to be brave. 勇敢! "Yuukan"
--> make a sort of "deadline" for going to bed, and do my best to adhere to it (deadline is such a great word! think of it more literally.)
Do work stuff mostly always before play stuff. Remember that an end really is in sight.
I get inspirational emails to help me learn Japanese from TextFugu.com . I love them. Here's what I want to think about after reading it: what's my "bigger purpose" or goal -- what can I imagine myself doing in three years if it could be anything I wanted-- what do I want to do? Imagine THAT, and then think: what are three small things you could do right now to get you closer to that place in your mind's eyes?
I need to be more literal with myself, and connect my smaller actions, the right-now actions, to my future. Because that's exactly what they are-- little bitty things added together make a future.
I have to start studying a lot. Mainly piano and theory. I think studying might be more useful than talent, so I can't sit around worrying that I have enough talent or not. If I just studied a ton, I'd do better than about ninety percent of those talented people who haven't been studying. As of right now, my laziness will not be getting me anywhere, so I have to change that.
New literal goals: [write these down in notebook and try to do it everyday.]
1. piano,theory/6days. bible7/days.
2. exercise/walk dog/chores seven days.
3. think about my main goals (read them) and think of what I am doing that day to get there, pick immediate things, and try not to forget them.
4. pick a time to wake up (and then also to go to bed that night before) and work to get it right.
5. use my imagination for each thing I do. in everything, remember who I can be if I choose. I wish I could go back in time, but I can't, so all I have is what I can do now. I have to be brave. 勇敢! "Yuukan"
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
WOW!
So lazy in blogging lately!
I wanted y'all who actually find my writing interesting... heh heh... to know that I have a new blog that deviates from the extremely rational side of this one. My new blog is a lot dreamier. It's sort of imaginary, more like a story. Please check it out, I have no followers yet. :) I really LOOOVE followers. No reason, really, since I don't do "adsense" or whatever, it just makes me feel like there's a point to writing! When people listen, even a little, I mean.
Find it on my profile, or click here: Imagine. Dream. Explore? It's totally NEATO.
I wanted y'all who actually find my writing interesting... heh heh... to know that I have a new blog that deviates from the extremely rational side of this one. My new blog is a lot dreamier. It's sort of imaginary, more like a story. Please check it out, I have no followers yet. :) I really LOOOVE followers. No reason, really, since I don't do "adsense" or whatever, it just makes me feel like there's a point to writing! When people listen, even a little, I mean.
Find it on my profile, or click here: Imagine. Dream. Explore? It's totally NEATO.
College Success Plan, Beginning.
I am trying to take a theory class at my local university. As it turns out, I didn't actually need to appeal because I meet the conditions, and furthermore, I don't have to meet any conditions because I'm not yet a full-time student. :)
Answer these questions:
1. Why don't you meet the admission requirements, and
2. What are you are doing to make up deficiencies? Include information on your career and academic goals and why you want to attend. [I forgot to read that last sentence. :) ]
TO THE APPEALS COURT
WHY I DON'T MEET THE ADMISSION REQUIREMENTS
My GPA is: 1.6 [as it turns out, that's only my science. My real GPA is 2.5 and I didn't even need to write this letter.]
I didn't take responsibility for my grades at Atlantis University. I was rushing ahead when I should have stopped to think about what I wanted to do with my life. I let myself lose confidence in my academic ability and vainly hoped to fix my grades and continue in school, but I should have pulled out to rethink the choices I had made about the classes I had undertaken. [NOTE TO SELF: My hope was false because I had gotten ahead of myself and hoped for something before I acknowledged the truth. Hope is not invalid just because one fails; hope is invalid when it is not based on truth. My hope, sadly, was invalid situationally, but that doesn't mean that the result I hoped for can not happen, even if I repeat my actions-- but I have to repeat my actions while thinking more carefully-- SLOWLY-- about which actions to choose, so that I choose the right ones. Wow, that was a really complicated way to say that.]
WHAT I'M DOING TO MAKE UP DEFICIENCIES
I am studying independently at home.
I have to start studying 2 hours a day independently for each subject I claim to be studying before I can say that.
Refer to each subject I study 2 hours a day, five days a week, as a subject I've been studying.
That would be: 1 or more: Japanese, Piano, Theory, [exercise, which I will not mention]
I'm seeing a counselor at Pastoral Services about my life in general, especially in taking responsibility for my self and the things I do.
And once I start school, there are a few more items I will strive for.
I will take responsibility for the result of my work-- meaning, I will take responsibility for my grades.
I will pull out of a class right away if I realize I can't handle it by monitoring my progress and grades weekly, or sooner.
I will begin slowly, and start by taking only a small class load.
I will look back at this letter when I sign up for new classes and when I make other more important decisions.
[note to self: I will consider taking anxiety AND EVEN depression medications if my own efforts do not produce fabulous results.]
[NOTE TO SELF: I will not be finished with this until I've done these things. After I've done these things, I won't be finished either, so no congratulations until you do something big, at least.]
[note to self: Time Issue/SCHEDULE. If I study two hours a day for a regular class load, I will get A's most likely. That doesn't count piano, which is four hours, so working is out of the question, I don't even know if a full load and piano is possible, (as long as piano isn't counting as part of the load). Basically, working and school will be impossible unless I take less classes, because I can't expect to get A's without studying two hours and a regular class load is actually a fulltime job in itself (i.e. 6am-1pm school (errands/exercise), piano 4 hours, classes 5ish hours, sleep at 11PM???! That's more like 1 hour for homework, no time for meals or personal time. I am NOT going to be working while I'm in school except weekends! :) FOR SURE, unless I want to multitask and work while taking a half-load.)
As it turns out, this letter was unnecessary, but now that I think about it, it's really important that I wrote it because this sort of accountability (to myself) is exactly what I need to be in order to get through this beginning part. I won't succeed in school unless I follow these ideas, so I REALLY must look back at this!
Answer these questions:
1. Why don't you meet the admission requirements, and
2. What are you are doing to make up deficiencies? Include information on your career and academic goals and why you want to attend. [I forgot to read that last sentence. :) ]
TO THE APPEALS COURT
WHY I DON'T MEET THE ADMISSION REQUIREMENTS
My GPA is: 1.6 [as it turns out, that's only my science. My real GPA is 2.5 and I didn't even need to write this letter.]
I didn't take responsibility for my grades at Atlantis University. I was rushing ahead when I should have stopped to think about what I wanted to do with my life. I let myself lose confidence in my academic ability and vainly hoped to fix my grades and continue in school, but I should have pulled out to rethink the choices I had made about the classes I had undertaken. [NOTE TO SELF: My hope was false because I had gotten ahead of myself and hoped for something before I acknowledged the truth. Hope is not invalid just because one fails; hope is invalid when it is not based on truth. My hope, sadly, was invalid situationally, but that doesn't mean that the result I hoped for can not happen, even if I repeat my actions-- but I have to repeat my actions while thinking more carefully-- SLOWLY-- about which actions to choose, so that I choose the right ones. Wow, that was a really complicated way to say that.]
WHAT I'M DOING TO MAKE UP DEFICIENCIES
I am studying independently at home.
I have to start studying 2 hours a day independently for each subject I claim to be studying before I can say that.
Refer to each subject I study 2 hours a day, five days a week, as a subject I've been studying.
That would be: 1 or more: Japanese, Piano, Theory, [exercise, which I will not mention]
I'm seeing a counselor at Pastoral Services about my life in general, especially in taking responsibility for my self and the things I do.
And once I start school, there are a few more items I will strive for.
I will take responsibility for the result of my work-- meaning, I will take responsibility for my grades.
I will pull out of a class right away if I realize I can't handle it by monitoring my progress and grades weekly, or sooner.
I will begin slowly, and start by taking only a small class load.
I will look back at this letter when I sign up for new classes and when I make other more important decisions.
[note to self: I will consider taking anxiety AND EVEN depression medications if my own efforts do not produce fabulous results.]
[NOTE TO SELF: I will not be finished with this until I've done these things. After I've done these things, I won't be finished either, so no congratulations until you do something big, at least.]
[note to self: Time Issue/SCHEDULE. If I study two hours a day for a regular class load, I will get A's most likely. That doesn't count piano, which is four hours, so working is out of the question, I don't even know if a full load and piano is possible, (as long as piano isn't counting as part of the load). Basically, working and school will be impossible unless I take less classes, because I can't expect to get A's without studying two hours and a regular class load is actually a fulltime job in itself (i.e. 6am-1pm school (errands/exercise), piano 4 hours, classes 5ish hours, sleep at 11PM???! That's more like 1 hour for homework, no time for meals or personal time. I am NOT going to be working while I'm in school except weekends! :) FOR SURE, unless I want to multitask and work while taking a half-load.)
As it turns out, this letter was unnecessary, but now that I think about it, it's really important that I wrote it because this sort of accountability (to myself) is exactly what I need to be in order to get through this beginning part. I won't succeed in school unless I follow these ideas, so I REALLY must look back at this!
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
New Strategy!
Every morning, I'm going to read some of the Bible until I've got some sort of amount of information. Okay? Okay.
And then, I'm going to blog for a while. Write about stuff. I need to try to find some sort of inspiration regularly. But I don't find inspiration or even succeed at things in the first place unless I'm pushed to do it. Since being pushed isn't always something life does for me specifically, as I am living in a situation that is easy and peaceful, I have to push myself.
I haven't found a way to push myself besides just doing it. So when I'm blogging, I have to try and address a problem specifically, and pretend (with some sort of story) that I am in distress and must find a solution to whatever problem I've chosen to write about that day (I have to include stuff I talk about in counseling). Anyway, even if the problem does not need to be solved immediately in my reality, eventually it WILL and I'd rather start early! It'll be like journaling, regularly, and fun because I get to pretend something!
And then, I'm going to blog for a while. Write about stuff. I need to try to find some sort of inspiration regularly. But I don't find inspiration or even succeed at things in the first place unless I'm pushed to do it. Since being pushed isn't always something life does for me specifically, as I am living in a situation that is easy and peaceful, I have to push myself.
I haven't found a way to push myself besides just doing it. So when I'm blogging, I have to try and address a problem specifically, and pretend (with some sort of story) that I am in distress and must find a solution to whatever problem I've chosen to write about that day (I have to include stuff I talk about in counseling). Anyway, even if the problem does not need to be solved immediately in my reality, eventually it WILL and I'd rather start early! It'll be like journaling, regularly, and fun because I get to pretend something!
Mom and Dad's advice
I'm always worrying about how my parents want to help me too much. But I need to look at it from a different angle! Even though they give me advice, they understand that I don't have to do what they're advising me-- they just want to say the right things to me that allow me to make my own decisions and keep from putting pressure on me. I don't have to worry and make it all complicated-- they love me and want me to be happy-- so it's actually pretty simple.
And it certainly wouldn't hurt for me to allow them to help me once in a while. If I never depend on anyone, it means that I have to do everything myself, and that makes everything so much harder that it all might be too much, eventually.
I'm going to counseling today and I thought I should write down some of what I might should talk about in the session. Mom and me were talking about this contract that we're making-- it's to get me to think of things with a bit of a deadline, because I haven't yet obtained a newer/better job. I need one, because I'm not using my time wisely and making money for school, which was supposed to be the point of taking time off from it.
At first, I thought I needed some time off, even if it was a lot, and that it was good for me. But now I guess I'm realizing that I've come to the point where that's not necessary anymore, and if I say it is, then I'm being too easy on myself. "Time off" for several months is too much-- it's not like somebody died. Anyway, it's not going to help me lose weight or do any other things that will help me gain confidence. Confidence comes from trying AGAIN and aiming to be successful, not from resting. Haha!
I'm writing this because while Mom and I were talking about the contract, she happened to show me an email from my counselor to her (now I realize I should have said earlier, "Hey that's private, I'm not going to read that" but it didn't matter because I learned something good. It was obvious, but good.
My counselor wrote something like, "Sara's biggest problem is that she procrastinates." And then something else about me having "since June 22 to obtain full-time employment" and "...six months".
Well, it's true. That's a long time. I'm being silly. Time to fix things! I feel stupid! Urrrrg. :...[
So it's true, though. It's not like I didn't know I procrastinate, but I just... don't accept it as reality and deal with it like it's reality. I want to fix this way that I think, because it's somewhat dysfunctional. I would like to apologize for being weird, but then I remember that everybody has weirdness and I just happen to be writing about and trying to fix my weirdness, and that's nothing but good.
I'm going to try and go about it the right way. Here are my goals that I've re-done, coming from a perspective that these are my daily activities, which I should do often, all the time, and A LOT!
Important things to change my habits about: learn self control, to do the things that I don't always want to do, and stop procrastinating.
I'm going to write this down and take it when I go in to counseling!
And it certainly wouldn't hurt for me to allow them to help me once in a while. If I never depend on anyone, it means that I have to do everything myself, and that makes everything so much harder that it all might be too much, eventually.
I'm going to counseling today and I thought I should write down some of what I might should talk about in the session. Mom and me were talking about this contract that we're making-- it's to get me to think of things with a bit of a deadline, because I haven't yet obtained a newer/better job. I need one, because I'm not using my time wisely and making money for school, which was supposed to be the point of taking time off from it.
At first, I thought I needed some time off, even if it was a lot, and that it was good for me. But now I guess I'm realizing that I've come to the point where that's not necessary anymore, and if I say it is, then I'm being too easy on myself. "Time off" for several months is too much-- it's not like somebody died. Anyway, it's not going to help me lose weight or do any other things that will help me gain confidence. Confidence comes from trying AGAIN and aiming to be successful, not from resting. Haha!
I'm writing this because while Mom and I were talking about the contract, she happened to show me an email from my counselor to her (now I realize I should have said earlier, "Hey that's private, I'm not going to read that" but it didn't matter because I learned something good. It was obvious, but good.
My counselor wrote something like, "Sara's biggest problem is that she procrastinates." And then something else about me having "since June 22 to obtain full-time employment" and "...six months".
Well, it's true. That's a long time. I'm being silly. Time to fix things! I feel stupid! Urrrrg. :...[
So it's true, though. It's not like I didn't know I procrastinate, but I just... don't accept it as reality and deal with it like it's reality. I want to fix this way that I think, because it's somewhat dysfunctional. I would like to apologize for being weird, but then I remember that everybody has weirdness and I just happen to be writing about and trying to fix my weirdness, and that's nothing but good.
I'm going to try and go about it the right way. Here are my goals that I've re-done, coming from a perspective that these are my daily activities, which I should do often, all the time, and A LOT!
Things I do.
work (accompany wkends, CNA wkdays)
homework (1-2 classes)
clean house productively, sparklingly.
exercise (dance, regular, run) a lot
[studies: as needed and as possible] - Japanese and Spanish.
PLUS: Bible, Piano. (DAILY as possible)
So, like, kind of my goals to pursue and become used to incorporating into my life. Like, if I'm bored or don't know what to do next, I should be doing these things instead, or I go do them.
I'm going to write this down and take it when I go in to counseling!
Monday, November 29, 2010
I need to be working a lot. Like, all the time, a lot. If i can't find enough work where i'm at, i am going to go look somewhere else. I need to cherish more the time i'm not working, and use it extra carefully for my PRIORITIES. And I need to go the extra THOUSAND miles in order to lose weight. I still haven't taken ANY of this seriously yet.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Crunches2!
I'm eating one of those baby oranges. The aroma reminds me of Christmas tress and my mother, who adores oranges and orange candy. When I'm working at Viaetassi Palace (actually a nursing home) strange things bother me. Like, what are the elderly living in places like this supposed to feel happy about? I mean, what is the point of living? Many of them are in pain or don't often get visitors. Most can't get out of bed, and those that can are the ones who will never leave the facility. It's wake up, get dressed in ugly clothes, eat yucky food, socialize with barely anyone (unless you count the schizophrenics who may or may not be actually talking to you) then take a nap. And that's just breakfast. The cycle repeats itself three times a day, and that doesn't count the long period of night-darkness you have to get through. If you thought of this as more of a temporary setting, it wouldn't be so depressing, but that's not often the case. I wish I could help the bored ones somehow, maybe introduce new hobbies or something so they'd have fun things to do, but I can see why that might be expecting too much. Older people don't necessarily WANT to change like that. THey are more likely wishing for their old lives back (if they're able to think that clearly). They used to have families to care for, houses to clean, careers in business and commerce, health, teaching, traveling, and foreign languages... and people they loved, some of who are gone now. (Not to mention that they're physically incapable of many everyday activities and often are in enough pain that they need pain pills like vicadin and hydrocodone, plus needing a pharmacy of other pills to solve various health problems.)
Part of it might be that for them, adapting to life in a nursing home or hospital is like admitting defeat or submission. That, and it's altogether depressing anyway. Do you feel depressed yet? :)
Sorry.
It's true stuff, either way.
I have to make sure and do crunches when I get home!!! Yay stronger singing voice.
Part of it might be that for them, adapting to life in a nursing home or hospital is like admitting defeat or submission. That, and it's altogether depressing anyway. Do you feel depressed yet? :)
Sorry.
It's true stuff, either way.
I have to make sure and do crunches when I get home!!! Yay stronger singing voice.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Viaetassi
Taking a shower is just like going to bed. Eventually, you have to get out of the shower. So also, eventually, you have to sleep.
Haha. For some reason, I loathe going to sleep and waking up! AND going to work! And just starting things I don't like, I suppose!
But NO! This is where I should be thinking... "I must accept my fate."
I can ALSO use my i m a g i n a t i o n . . . like, instead of me going to work by car, it's me-- going to work on a train to Viaetassi, through the blue physi-barrier that separates dimension Z232 from the mainland, A5. (In the early hours of the morning, sadly enough.) When I arrive at the palace of Viaetassi, I take the elevator in the center wing to the high court's private quarters, which are located in the upper stories of the tower. My job as a lady-in-waiting is to provide service, care, and to otherwise wait on the elderly duchesses and royal ladies of Viaetassi's high court. I love it! Of course, I get tired more than not, but it's probably just because I'm just not used to this job as a "regular" thing. But I'm good at my job, and I'm on-time and sparklingly helpful and delightful at all times. Energy, energy, energy! I will be doing my best every day!
Haha. For some reason, I loathe going to sleep and waking up! AND going to work! And just starting things I don't like, I suppose!
But NO! This is where I should be thinking... "I must accept my fate."
I can ALSO use my i m a g i n a t i o n . . . like, instead of me going to work by car, it's me-- going to work on a train to Viaetassi, through the blue physi-barrier that separates dimension Z232 from the mainland, A5. (In the early hours of the morning, sadly enough.) When I arrive at the palace of Viaetassi, I take the elevator in the center wing to the high court's private quarters, which are located in the upper stories of the tower. My job as a lady-in-waiting is to provide service, care, and to otherwise wait on the elderly duchesses and royal ladies of Viaetassi's high court. I love it! Of course, I get tired more than not, but it's probably just because I'm just not used to this job as a "regular" thing. But I'm good at my job, and I'm on-time and sparklingly helpful and delightful at all times. Energy, energy, energy! I will be doing my best every day!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Past and Future
My blog needs to be the place where I record my every important thought, right when I think it (if not, I will forget). That way, my blog will be like a reflection of my life-- a TRUE diary! Since I've recently discovered that I can send posts by text, my posts will now arrive when I'm away from home! Soooo great. :) :) :O
I am reading and editing my old posts and I am impressed with my changes that I've made over time. I started my blog when I was still in school, so... it actually marks a really monumental time in my life... when I was being fantastically stupid. I shouldn't put myself down, but I'm trying to describe how irritated I am at my attitude of that time. :) I was really in denial about my school failure. (I'm having a hard time writing these sentences because I still want to deny these things!) I had gotten to a point where I was completely getting F's and not going to school at all, and still allowing everyone around me, including myself, to think that I would be able to fix things. But it really was past "too late" and effectively, I was lying to myself and whoever I spoke to about school. If my parents hadn't ordered me home, I would have continued that until the school had kicked me out! I suppose it could have worked out in the end, but coming home was also a good solution-- better, in fact-- because I am now able to try and solve this problem with my family communication problems. Even if I had been able to pick myself up at school and start living on my own, I wouldn't have solved the problem with me and my mom always fighting. Now, I think I can figure that out because I'm here with the problem right in my face, a counselor to guide me, and the desire to fix things.
Soon, I'm going to go back to school, starting with just one class. I'm going to work toward getting a music degree... something I should have done a long time ago, but I couldn't, because I didn't realize it was what I should do. :)
So I'm going to get a music degree. It's not a huge deal what kind-- yet-- and I'm not decided yet. But eventually I will decide on something music related, after I've taken some theory. I'll learn Japanese on the side, because I love it. Hopefully I will get a good job that can tide me over without making school impossible. I will get good grades because I will be trying my best and believing in myself, so I know I can do it and I have a imaginary path to follow. Then I will try to go to Japan. I can try the JET program, or just go as a missionary with my church, maybe even that first and then JET. (They might more likely accept me if I have more experience.) Now, this part is harder to imagine-- I would like to get further education in music at a Japanese university-- probably in composing, but I really don't know at this point. :) If I had more of a dream set up for myself, it would help, but I don't have to know that yet. Most importantly, I can remind myself all I have to do is make music (whether it's playing, writing, or singing) and I will be happy. I don't have to worry that my dream isn't complicated and specific. Simple is good. I forget that a lot.
PS. If my "music" path changes towards languages, or even something else, that's okay too. I don't think that is quite as likely, but I have admit that all I'm doing right now is planning. It's not like I can SEE the future.
I am reading and editing my old posts and I am impressed with my changes that I've made over time. I started my blog when I was still in school, so... it actually marks a really monumental time in my life... when I was being fantastically stupid. I shouldn't put myself down, but I'm trying to describe how irritated I am at my attitude of that time. :) I was really in denial about my school failure. (I'm having a hard time writing these sentences because I still want to deny these things!) I had gotten to a point where I was completely getting F's and not going to school at all, and still allowing everyone around me, including myself, to think that I would be able to fix things. But it really was past "too late" and effectively, I was lying to myself and whoever I spoke to about school. If my parents hadn't ordered me home, I would have continued that until the school had kicked me out! I suppose it could have worked out in the end, but coming home was also a good solution-- better, in fact-- because I am now able to try and solve this problem with my family communication problems. Even if I had been able to pick myself up at school and start living on my own, I wouldn't have solved the problem with me and my mom always fighting. Now, I think I can figure that out because I'm here with the problem right in my face, a counselor to guide me, and the desire to fix things.
Soon, I'm going to go back to school, starting with just one class. I'm going to work toward getting a music degree... something I should have done a long time ago, but I couldn't, because I didn't realize it was what I should do. :)
So I'm going to get a music degree. It's not a huge deal what kind-- yet-- and I'm not decided yet. But eventually I will decide on something music related, after I've taken some theory. I'll learn Japanese on the side, because I love it. Hopefully I will get a good job that can tide me over without making school impossible. I will get good grades because I will be trying my best and believing in myself, so I know I can do it and I have a imaginary path to follow. Then I will try to go to Japan. I can try the JET program, or just go as a missionary with my church, maybe even that first and then JET. (They might more likely accept me if I have more experience.) Now, this part is harder to imagine-- I would like to get further education in music at a Japanese university-- probably in composing, but I really don't know at this point. :) If I had more of a dream set up for myself, it would help, but I don't have to know that yet. Most importantly, I can remind myself all I have to do is make music (whether it's playing, writing, or singing) and I will be happy. I don't have to worry that my dream isn't complicated and specific. Simple is good. I forget that a lot.
PS. If my "music" path changes towards languages, or even something else, that's okay too. I don't think that is quite as likely, but I have admit that all I'm doing right now is planning. It's not like I can SEE the future.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Climax!
Daddy came into my room and told me I have to move out.
I am so immature. When I move out, I know I'm going to be a bit of a mess. I'm going to have trouble and be afraid and make mistakes. But I know I can do it okay, in the end.
The problem is, I need more time. I wish so much my parents would try a little harder to bear with me somehow, but somehow I get into arguments with my mom and my dad thinks the solution is for me to move out. On the outside, it makes perfect sense.
I don't want to criticize my mom, and I can't change her. I know I'm doing some things wrong, but I don't think that quitting the whole situation and my walking away would ultimately solve the problem. It's only a temporary fix, and for the rest of our lives, we're going to have these little things that get in the way of us loving each other. How is that okay?
I DON'T think it's okay because I think we CAN solve this problem. Sure, it would take forever and ever, and a lot of work, and a lot more tears, and a few more arguments, but I think we just need to get our communication tactics down a little better. That's all it is! I'm tired of this being all my fault!!! How does that make any sense??! I'm not a bad person. I don't WANT to hurt my mom's feelings. If it was all my fault, I wouldn't be acting this way. Instead, I'm just sad! I don't know what to do.
YES. I'm idealistic. But I don't think I'm being TOO idealistic. I think I don't want to give up. But it's hard for my mom to see it that way. I don't really know what she's thinking, but I wish it didn't have to go like this.
I wish I hadn't have said things that I said. I'm just not careful enough with my temper, and I'm snappy and disrespectful. But now, I'm just really sad and I can't fix anything.
I went and hid under my bed a few minutes ago. It only made me feel a little better. Mostly I felt stupid, haha.
This makes me want to move really far away, and not talk to them for two years straight. But how would that help? That's just my anger talking. It would be going against my I-want-to-fix-this-NOT-run-away attitude. *SIGH!!*
I am so immature. When I move out, I know I'm going to be a bit of a mess. I'm going to have trouble and be afraid and make mistakes. But I know I can do it okay, in the end.
The problem is, I need more time. I wish so much my parents would try a little harder to bear with me somehow, but somehow I get into arguments with my mom and my dad thinks the solution is for me to move out. On the outside, it makes perfect sense.
I don't want to criticize my mom, and I can't change her. I know I'm doing some things wrong, but I don't think that quitting the whole situation and my walking away would ultimately solve the problem. It's only a temporary fix, and for the rest of our lives, we're going to have these little things that get in the way of us loving each other. How is that okay?
I DON'T think it's okay because I think we CAN solve this problem. Sure, it would take forever and ever, and a lot of work, and a lot more tears, and a few more arguments, but I think we just need to get our communication tactics down a little better. That's all it is! I'm tired of this being all my fault!!! How does that make any sense??! I'm not a bad person. I don't WANT to hurt my mom's feelings. If it was all my fault, I wouldn't be acting this way. Instead, I'm just sad! I don't know what to do.
YES. I'm idealistic. But I don't think I'm being TOO idealistic. I think I don't want to give up. But it's hard for my mom to see it that way. I don't really know what she's thinking, but I wish it didn't have to go like this.
I wish I hadn't have said things that I said. I'm just not careful enough with my temper, and I'm snappy and disrespectful. But now, I'm just really sad and I can't fix anything.
I went and hid under my bed a few minutes ago. It only made me feel a little better. Mostly I felt stupid, haha.
This makes me want to move really far away, and not talk to them for two years straight. But how would that help? That's just my anger talking. It would be going against my I-want-to-fix-this-NOT-run-away attitude. *SIGH!!*
Hope?
Who do I think I am? What do I feel like might be in my future-- what can I be? Who? Listen to my soul, to God, to my heart.
I've been thinking wrong for a while. I can't become a newer, better, changing person if I hold myself back with sad thoughts. I have to think of the good things coming, and the good things I can be someday-- and BELIEVE THAT I CAN BE THAT WAY. If I believe it, I can.
;) That's called hope!!
I've been thinking wrong for a while. I can't become a newer, better, changing person if I hold myself back with sad thoughts. I have to think of the good things coming, and the good things I can be someday-- and BELIEVE THAT I CAN BE THAT WAY. If I believe it, I can.
;) That's called hope!!
Friday, November 19, 2010
Situps and singing!??
Hey. Is it TRUE that doing situps helps a person sing better???!!!!
I AM GOING TO BE DOING SO MANY SITUPS!!!!! Or crunches. Anything with abs or core body stuff, especially lungs. Aghghgh!
Tomorrow I want to have a good day.
I AM GOING TO BE DOING SO MANY SITUPS!!!!! Or crunches. Anything with abs or core body stuff, especially lungs. Aghghgh!
Tomorrow I want to have a good day.
Self Control for Me! Plus a lot of quotes.
Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled over how much weight you have gained. ~Author Unknown
I have terrible self control problems. I don't deny myself anything, really. That can be good, but since I don't know what's good and what's not good for me, I don't always WANT the right things, so I go back and forth. Always-- back and forth between healthy and junk food, anime-binging and studying, exercising and laying around, staying up and going to bed-- it's making me such a mess. If I could just get myself in control a little better, all these problems would be so much smaller.
I found something on the internet that talks about getting self-control fixed up. I'm modifying it for myself and making a list.
1. What areas in my life are suffering and which are prospering? Do I push myself to try too hard without taking breaks for real? The whole time I take a break, I feel guilty? It's time to start sacrificing: work before play this time, and try mainly taking short breaks in evenings and longer breaks on weekends, or at least more in the evenings, so that I can be more accomplished and have sort-of guidelines about when I relax -- work before play.
2. Take time to get informed about the areas I don't have control over. For me, those are 1) connection to God, 2) studies, practice, and learning diligence, 3) exercise, 4) diet, and 5) listening to and communication with others. Not only should I be working on these things, but I should learn HOW to do better in these areas. It's no wonder I become daunted by gaining control over these goals-- they're too high when I don't know how to approach them.
ooookay, now the article is going on about denying myself things. Puh-leeeeze. I KNOW that. That's what self-control is. I don't know how to GET SELF CONTROL. Therefore I don't know HOW to deny myself things. That is THE PROBLEM. Aaaarrrg. Okay, there are some tips...
When it says self denial, it means that-- as a HABIT-- you have to make yourself into a person who... kind of... doesn't need stuff. You give things away, and make yourself do things you don't want to. As a habit. Like... all the time.
4. Become simple-- don't ask for things, give things away, don't buy things you don't need-- REALLY. Don't see this as "denial" but living necessarily. I don't have enough money for everything I want, anyway. I don't want to be the sort of person who denies herself things. I want to be the sort of person who doesn't want them in the first place. I could get used to that. But first, I have to actually deny myself stuff, until it's habit.
I thought of doing that, a while ago, but I gave it up as a rock-solid idea. It might really help me, though, and not just in the financial department. It is pretty selfish, though, in the ultimate sense, because I'm doing it for myself. :) I really don't like the idea right now.... I hate it....
5. Deliberately challenge myself with the things I'm addicted to. TV: turn on the TV for two hours and star at something in the room for two hours. Food: get a yummy piece of food on a plate and leave it there but don't eat it, drink water instead.
hmmm. I'm not sure that will work. The TV one is one of the tips. It would be okay. But with food? Denying myself food has always made me get fatter in the end. I don't know what to do....
Quotes I like that will help me: (from The Quote Garden - specifically "about dieting" and "Self Control")
When I was young, I observed that nine out of ten things I did were failures. So I did ten times more work. ~George Bernard Shaw
There's nothing like biting off more than you can chew, and then chewing anyway. ~Mark Burnett
Though the barriers of life seem formidable, we find when we challenge them that they have no will. ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com
One saves oneself much pain, by taking pains; much trouble, by taking trouble. ~Augustus William Hare and Julius Charles Hare, Guesses at Truth, by Two Brothers, 1827
The winds and waves are always on the side of the ablest navigators. ~Edward Gibbon, The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire
Most of us can easily do two things at once; what's all but impossible is to do one thing at once. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
If a man is called a streetsweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and Earth will pause to say, Here lived a great streetsweeper who did his job well. ~Martin Luther King, Jr.
For us, there is only the trying. The rest is not our business. ~T.S. Eliot
There are no easy methods of learning difficult things; the method is to close your door, give out that you are not at home, and work. ~Joseph de Maistre
Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still. ~Chinese Proverb
To go beyond is as wrong as to fall short. ~Confucius, Analects
As a means to success, determination has this advantage over talent - that it does not have to be recognized by others. ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com
When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum. ~Author Unknown
Difficult things take a long time, impossible things a little longer. ~André A. Jackson
Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use. ~Earl Nightingale
Oh, that's such a wonderful site. Yay, The Quote Garden !
I have terrible self control problems. I don't deny myself anything, really. That can be good, but since I don't know what's good and what's not good for me, I don't always WANT the right things, so I go back and forth. Always-- back and forth between healthy and junk food, anime-binging and studying, exercising and laying around, staying up and going to bed-- it's making me such a mess. If I could just get myself in control a little better, all these problems would be so much smaller.
I found something on the internet that talks about getting self-control fixed up. I'm modifying it for myself and making a list.
1. What areas in my life are suffering and which are prospering? Do I push myself to try too hard without taking breaks for real? The whole time I take a break, I feel guilty? It's time to start sacrificing: work before play this time, and try mainly taking short breaks in evenings and longer breaks on weekends, or at least more in the evenings, so that I can be more accomplished and have sort-of guidelines about when I relax -- work before play.
2. Take time to get informed about the areas I don't have control over. For me, those are 1) connection to God, 2) studies, practice, and learning diligence, 3) exercise, 4) diet, and 5) listening to and communication with others. Not only should I be working on these things, but I should learn HOW to do better in these areas. It's no wonder I become daunted by gaining control over these goals-- they're too high when I don't know how to approach them.
ooookay, now the article is going on about denying myself things. Puh-leeeeze. I KNOW that. That's what self-control is. I don't know how to GET SELF CONTROL. Therefore I don't know HOW to deny myself things. That is THE PROBLEM. Aaaarrrg. Okay, there are some tips...
When it says self denial, it means that-- as a HABIT-- you have to make yourself into a person who... kind of... doesn't need stuff. You give things away, and make yourself do things you don't want to. As a habit. Like... all the time.
4. Become simple-- don't ask for things, give things away, don't buy things you don't need-- REALLY. Don't see this as "denial" but living necessarily. I don't have enough money for everything I want, anyway. I don't want to be the sort of person who denies herself things. I want to be the sort of person who doesn't want them in the first place. I could get used to that. But first, I have to actually deny myself stuff, until it's habit.
I thought of doing that, a while ago, but I gave it up as a rock-solid idea. It might really help me, though, and not just in the financial department. It is pretty selfish, though, in the ultimate sense, because I'm doing it for myself. :) I really don't like the idea right now.... I hate it....
5. Deliberately challenge myself with the things I'm addicted to. TV: turn on the TV for two hours and star at something in the room for two hours. Food: get a yummy piece of food on a plate and leave it there but don't eat it, drink water instead.
hmmm. I'm not sure that will work. The TV one is one of the tips. It would be okay. But with food? Denying myself food has always made me get fatter in the end. I don't know what to do....
Quotes I like that will help me: (from The Quote Garden - specifically "about dieting" and "Self Control")
Self-respect is the root of discipline: The sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself. ~Abraham Joshua Heschel, The Insecurity of Freedom: Essays on Human Existence, 1967
Not being able to govern events, I govern myself, and apply myself to them, if they will not apply themselves to me. ~Michel de Montaigne, Essays, 1588
You must admit you have self-control before you can use it. ~Carrie Latet
Do you really think it is weakness that yields to temptation? I tell you that there are terrible temptations which it requires strength, strength and courage to yield to. ~Oscar Wilde
It's all right letting yourself go, as long as you can get yourself back. ~Mick Jagger
A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is.... A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in. ~C.S. Lewis
The one way to get thin is to re-establish a purpose in life. ~Cyril Connolly, The Unquiet Grave
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. ~Author Unknown
If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution. ~Author Unknown
Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels. ~Author Unknown
No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office. ~George Bernard Shaw
I have gained and lost the same ten pounds so many times over and over again my cellulite must have déjà vu. ~Jane Wagner
I think I just ate my willpower. ~Author Unknown
If you really want to be depressed, weigh yourself in grams. ~Jason Love
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. ~Ed Bluestone
History is apt to judge harshly those who sacrifice tomorrow for today. ~Harold MacMillan
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. ~Dave Barry
If you have formed the habit of checking on every new diet that comes along, you will find that, mercifully, they all blur together, leaving you with only one definite piece of information: french-fried potatoes are out. ~Jean Kerr
If you wish to grow thinner, diminish your dinner. ~H.S. Leigh
Probably nothing in the world arouses more false hopes than the first four hours of a diet. ~Dan Bennett
Don't go out of your weigh to please anyone but yourself. ~Author Unknown
Movement is a medicine for creating change in a person's physical, emotional, and mental states. ~Carol Welch
I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. ~Marsha Doble
Much good work is lost for the lack of a little more. ~Edward H. Harriman
The one thing that matters is the effort. It continues, whereas the end to be attained is but an illusion of the climber, as he fares on and on from crest to crest; and once the goal is reached it has no meaning. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Wisdom of the Sands, translated from French by Stuart Gilbert
I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it. ~Thomas Jefferson
Character is what emerges from all the little things you were too busy to do yesterday, but did anyway. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
I've got a theory that if you give 100 percent all of the time, somehow things will work out in the end. ~Larry Bird
No one understands that you have given everything. You must give more. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin
He who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance; one cannot fly into flying. ~Friedrich Nietzsche
Not being able to govern events, I govern myself, and apply myself to them, if they will not apply themselves to me. ~Michel de Montaigne, Essays, 1588
You must admit you have self-control before you can use it. ~Carrie Latet
Do you really think it is weakness that yields to temptation? I tell you that there are terrible temptations which it requires strength, strength and courage to yield to. ~Oscar Wilde
It's all right letting yourself go, as long as you can get yourself back. ~Mick Jagger
A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is.... A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in. ~C.S. Lewis
The one way to get thin is to re-establish a purpose in life. ~Cyril Connolly, The Unquiet Grave
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. ~Author Unknown
If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution. ~Author Unknown
Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels. ~Author Unknown
No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office. ~George Bernard Shaw
I have gained and lost the same ten pounds so many times over and over again my cellulite must have déjà vu. ~Jane Wagner
I think I just ate my willpower. ~Author Unknown
If you really want to be depressed, weigh yourself in grams. ~Jason Love
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. ~Ed Bluestone
History is apt to judge harshly those who sacrifice tomorrow for today. ~Harold MacMillan
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. ~Dave Barry
If you have formed the habit of checking on every new diet that comes along, you will find that, mercifully, they all blur together, leaving you with only one definite piece of information: french-fried potatoes are out. ~Jean Kerr
If you wish to grow thinner, diminish your dinner. ~H.S. Leigh
Probably nothing in the world arouses more false hopes than the first four hours of a diet. ~Dan Bennett
Don't go out of your weigh to please anyone but yourself. ~Author Unknown
Movement is a medicine for creating change in a person's physical, emotional, and mental states. ~Carol Welch
I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. ~Marsha Doble
Much good work is lost for the lack of a little more. ~Edward H. Harriman
The one thing that matters is the effort. It continues, whereas the end to be attained is but an illusion of the climber, as he fares on and on from crest to crest; and once the goal is reached it has no meaning. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Wisdom of the Sands, translated from French by Stuart Gilbert
I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it. ~Thomas Jefferson
Character is what emerges from all the little things you were too busy to do yesterday, but did anyway. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
I've got a theory that if you give 100 percent all of the time, somehow things will work out in the end. ~Larry Bird
No one understands that you have given everything. You must give more. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin
He who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance; one cannot fly into flying. ~Friedrich Nietzsche
When I was young, I observed that nine out of ten things I did were failures. So I did ten times more work. ~George Bernard Shaw
There's nothing like biting off more than you can chew, and then chewing anyway. ~Mark Burnett
Though the barriers of life seem formidable, we find when we challenge them that they have no will. ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com
One saves oneself much pain, by taking pains; much trouble, by taking trouble. ~Augustus William Hare and Julius Charles Hare, Guesses at Truth, by Two Brothers, 1827
The winds and waves are always on the side of the ablest navigators. ~Edward Gibbon, The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire
Most of us can easily do two things at once; what's all but impossible is to do one thing at once. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
If a man is called a streetsweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and Earth will pause to say, Here lived a great streetsweeper who did his job well. ~Martin Luther King, Jr.
For us, there is only the trying. The rest is not our business. ~T.S. Eliot
There are no easy methods of learning difficult things; the method is to close your door, give out that you are not at home, and work. ~Joseph de Maistre
Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still. ~Chinese Proverb
To go beyond is as wrong as to fall short. ~Confucius, Analects
Don't be afraid to give your best to what seemingly are small jobs. Every time you conquer one it makes you that much stronger. If you do the little jobs well, the big ones will tend to take care of themselves. ~Dale Carnegie
Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have crossed the mountain. ~Author Unknown
Put your heart, mind, intellect and soul even to your smallest acts. This is the secret of success. ~Swami Sivananda
Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have crossed the mountain. ~Author Unknown
Put your heart, mind, intellect and soul even to your smallest acts. This is the secret of success. ~Swami Sivananda
When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. ~Franklin D. Roosevelt
Fall seven times, stand up eight. ~Japanese Proverb
If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again. ~Flavia Weedn, Flavia and the Dream Maker, © Flavia.com
The race is not always to the swift, but to those who keep on running. ~Author unknown, in reference to Ecclesiastes 9:11, "I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all."
It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer. ~Albert Einstein
People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them. ~G.B. Shaw, Mrs. Warren's Profession, 1893
There is no telling how many miles you will have to run while chasing a dream. ~Author Unknown
Don't be discouraged. It's often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock. ~Author Unknown
The great majority of men are bundles of beginnings. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
One may go a long way after one is tired. ~French Proverb
Vitality shows in not only the ability to persist but the ability to start over. ~F. Scott FitzgeraldFall seven times, stand up eight. ~Japanese Proverb
If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again. ~Flavia Weedn, Flavia and the Dream Maker, © Flavia.com
The race is not always to the swift, but to those who keep on running. ~Author unknown, in reference to Ecclesiastes 9:11, "I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all."
It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer. ~Albert Einstein
People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them. ~G.B. Shaw, Mrs. Warren's Profession, 1893
There is no telling how many miles you will have to run while chasing a dream. ~Author Unknown
The great majority of men are bundles of beginnings. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
One may go a long way after one is tired. ~French Proverb
As a means to success, determination has this advantage over talent - that it does not have to be recognized by others. ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com
When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum. ~Author Unknown
Difficult things take a long time, impossible things a little longer. ~André A. Jackson
Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use. ~Earl Nightingale
Oh, that's such a wonderful site. Yay, The Quote Garden !
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Boring Update
This is just a boring blog entry, because nothing new has happened and I am not doing anything different or interesting.
I guess I'm a little down, because I am working toward fixing my life but it happens so slooowwwly.... :)
I woke up around five this morning for work. After some confusion between me and the nurse-person on the phone, I went to work. It was hard though, because I had to jump my car. I'd left the lights on.... :) (My mom and I were yelling at each other and trying to get the car to move backwards so the cables could reach and I was upset because I was so late, so my tears were leaking out of my eyes and then we were yelling more... it was a mess!)
Pervert guy: There is a guy at work who is rude and makes weird, vulgar, sexual remarks or likes to talk about IT all the time. Not all the time. But he's just one of those guys with IT on his mind. I have a hard time with it because when it comes up, I forget to tell him to shut up. I'm not good with that, because I'm neither aggressive nor defensive. I just pretend he doesn't say anything, or say something contradictory, but I don't actually look at his face and say, "quit talking about that." I doubt he treats the other females in the workplace like this, or they wouldn't speak to him and would call him a creep behind his back. But they don't. So I need to tell him to stop it so he doesn't think my silence is an admission-- I just forget in the moment.
It's so annoying. Initially after the fact, I want to yell at him, "What is your problem? Shut the hell up! Do you think I'm the sort of person who wants to talk about stuff like this?" And then I say to myself... no, I can't say mean things back to him, or I'm being rude just like I don't want him to be to me. So I have to tell him politely. He is the kind of guy who will listen, I just haven't done a good job in speaking up so far.
For sheltered, innocent little 'ol me, it's educational... I guess... I have never met anyone in real life who's such a pervert (except in this, like, passive, secretive way!) until this guy. Oh well, he says he's trying to change... but that's going to require quite an overhaul! *Sigh*
Job search: Tomorrow I am hoping I can have the courage to go and look for a better job. I need one that is full time, and I could work at the hospital, doing something... anything.... Apparently there are some openings right this minute, so it's very important that I go ASAP and not later. I really want to do it.
Haha... I just don't trust myself.... But I realized today, I've lost so much confidence, when really, it's not necessary for me to feel bad about myself at all.... I really CAN do this.
I want to learn Japanese and go and live there for a bit. Why not? I can go through a mission program with my SDA school/university first, so it won't be such a scary experience-- I'll have people around me who understand my way of living, while I still get to experience using the language. Then I can try out for the JET program, or perhaps working as a music teacher. So right now I need to finish that degree. :) Oh, and get that job on the side. Yay!
I guess I'm a little down, because I am working toward fixing my life but it happens so slooowwwly.... :)
I woke up around five this morning for work. After some confusion between me and the nurse-person on the phone, I went to work. It was hard though, because I had to jump my car. I'd left the lights on.... :) (My mom and I were yelling at each other and trying to get the car to move backwards so the cables could reach and I was upset because I was so late, so my tears were leaking out of my eyes and then we were yelling more... it was a mess!)
Pervert guy: There is a guy at work who is rude and makes weird, vulgar, sexual remarks or likes to talk about IT all the time. Not all the time. But he's just one of those guys with IT on his mind. I have a hard time with it because when it comes up, I forget to tell him to shut up. I'm not good with that, because I'm neither aggressive nor defensive. I just pretend he doesn't say anything, or say something contradictory, but I don't actually look at his face and say, "quit talking about that." I doubt he treats the other females in the workplace like this, or they wouldn't speak to him and would call him a creep behind his back. But they don't. So I need to tell him to stop it so he doesn't think my silence is an admission-- I just forget in the moment.
It's so annoying. Initially after the fact, I want to yell at him, "What is your problem? Shut the hell up! Do you think I'm the sort of person who wants to talk about stuff like this?" And then I say to myself... no, I can't say mean things back to him, or I'm being rude just like I don't want him to be to me. So I have to tell him politely. He is the kind of guy who will listen, I just haven't done a good job in speaking up so far.
For sheltered, innocent little 'ol me, it's educational... I guess... I have never met anyone in real life who's such a pervert (except in this, like, passive, secretive way!) until this guy. Oh well, he says he's trying to change... but that's going to require quite an overhaul! *Sigh*
Job search: Tomorrow I am hoping I can have the courage to go and look for a better job. I need one that is full time, and I could work at the hospital, doing something... anything.... Apparently there are some openings right this minute, so it's very important that I go ASAP and not later. I really want to do it.
Haha... I just don't trust myself.... But I realized today, I've lost so much confidence, when really, it's not necessary for me to feel bad about myself at all.... I really CAN do this.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Mom ended up buying those boxes of cereal for me. She's so sweet! The tape recorder idea... I still like it. But I have a tape recorder here at home. I'm going to practice speaking into that until I am used to playing with it. It's not digital, so... sadly... I can't actually use what I make or anything...
I need to start working on creating a music and voice studio for myself. This would include:
***a real piano
***a keyboard piano that I can connect to a computer
***a program that I can write music with-- probably something simple (I should research it) since I won't be needing Finale or Sibelius or anything like that (if you don't know what those are, they are the most state of the art software I know about that compose music, but there are so many features that you barely have to be creative at all. :) I think it's too useful and I'm not professional enough to need to pay 300-500 dollars for something like that haha!)
***a digital tape recorder that is good with music and voice, or if not both, then two recorders for those specific purposes
***a notebook for writing down chords and melodies and pieces
***develop my own version of composing shorthand!
***maybe also look into getting video-creating software stuff, or fiddling with whatever it is I have now
this is all speculation. I'm not actually going to do any of this now, except maybe some of the things. Right now, I need to just work on piano practice, especially sightreading, and my theory studies. If I do those things I will be more prepared than I would be by doing anything else.
I need to start working on creating a music and voice studio for myself. This would include:
***a real piano
***a keyboard piano that I can connect to a computer
***a program that I can write music with-- probably something simple (I should research it) since I won't be needing Finale or Sibelius or anything like that (if you don't know what those are, they are the most state of the art software I know about that compose music, but there are so many features that you barely have to be creative at all. :) I think it's too useful and I'm not professional enough to need to pay 300-500 dollars for something like that haha!)
***a digital tape recorder that is good with music and voice, or if not both, then two recorders for those specific purposes
***a notebook for writing down chords and melodies and pieces
***develop my own version of composing shorthand!
***maybe also look into getting video-creating software stuff, or fiddling with whatever it is I have now
this is all speculation. I'm not actually going to do any of this now, except maybe some of the things. Right now, I need to just work on piano practice, especially sightreading, and my theory studies. If I do those things I will be more prepared than I would be by doing anything else.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
$$$ This month
Let's see if I can NOT spend ANY MORE money this month.
So far, I've paid my last bill, bought fish filters at Petsmart ($14) and spent $27 on... something... at Walmart, I caaan't remember. :) That was all before November, even though some of it is registered for later. So my bill is a few cents more than $41. I also went to Walmart on Friday and bought a new kind of face wash for $6. So my bill should be about $47 or less.
I do have to give my mom a check and get her to give me a twenty back that she stole from me, but that check won't be out of my credit card so it doesn't apply to this no-spend-in-november plan. I buy everything with my credit card and pay it off at the end of the month. :0 Can you see why credit cards seem completely dumb to me? I should get a card that has better rewards, at least, so that some benefit comes from using it, except not having to carry cash. But I want to buy something with my rewards I have already. Also, it's probably good to stay with one card for a while, right? I might have had it for a few years now.
So far, I've paid my last bill, bought fish filters at Petsmart ($14) and spent $27 on... something... at Walmart, I caaan't remember. :) That was all before November, even though some of it is registered for later. So my bill is a few cents more than $41. I also went to Walmart on Friday and bought a new kind of face wash for $6. So my bill should be about $47 or less.
If I can stay UNDER $47 range this month, that would be really great. I wouldn't have spent anything. I could even try to do that next month, too. I have enough toiletries for a while, and I might not need to purchase any more for at least two months. I'll start with this month. Here goes. Ah. Problem. I just remembered I am planning on buying some cereal that I stole from Teddy's friend who's staying with us, and also maybe a tape recorder. Ummmm... you can see why I always have this problem. Okay... ITEMS that I will only purchase this month:
tape recorder, two boxes of cereal
I do have to give my mom a check and get her to give me a twenty back that she stole from me, but that check won't be out of my credit card so it doesn't apply to this no-spend-in-november plan. I buy everything with my credit card and pay it off at the end of the month. :0 Can you see why credit cards seem completely dumb to me? I should get a card that has better rewards, at least, so that some benefit comes from using it, except not having to carry cash. But I want to buy something with my rewards I have already. Also, it's probably good to stay with one card for a while, right? I might have had it for a few years now.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Inspiration! *written at work*
When I get home...
*work towards my goals by doing activities daily - ones that I've planned in anticipation that they are actulaly accomplishable. (i.e. not to much planning so far that I can't actually get it all done)
* these probably should be:
brush and floss
X - exercising
D - cooking meals
B - scheduling, blogging, and Bibling haha
C - complexion - care after workouts (mask, steam) & during <3
water
veggies - colorful - esp. green
x
don't touch
*P - iano (if time)
and most importantly, WORKING and JOBSEARCHING
looks like this:
| toothbrush drawing | X | D | B | C | *P | working/jobsearch |
cool right? yeah right. Well, I'm still going to try it, no matter how many times I have to!
*work towards my goals by doing activities daily - ones that I've planned in anticipation that they are actulaly accomplishable. (i.e. not to much planning so far that I can't actually get it all done)
* these probably should be:
brush and floss
X - exercising
D - cooking meals
B - scheduling, blogging, and Bibling haha
C - complexion - care after workouts (mask, steam) & during <3
water
veggies - colorful - esp. green
x
don't touch
*P - iano (if time)
and most importantly, WORKING and JOBSEARCHING
looks like this:
| toothbrush drawing | X | D | B | C | *P | working/jobsearch |
cool right? yeah right. Well, I'm still going to try it, no matter how many times I have to!
Thursday, November 4, 2010
While Playing DDR I Wrote This....
When I have an ultimate goal of something, especially based on other people) I do much better, often accomplishing that goal, because I know I "have" to. Thinking "I HAVE TO" is only a good phrase if you come up with a REASON, not just "I have to". So make reasons for have-to's. I don't do this withfree-schedules, but I could, if I made a better goal. If I don't reach it, it needed to be more reachable, since I'm capable of anything. (Unless something else major is going on that's stopping me.)
Make rules (like list-making or scheduling) in ORDER to break them. Rules create the structure so you know WHERE the weakest parts are-- so you can fix those weak areas-- and use efficiency to proceed with tasks and reach the best efficiency balanced with happiness and peace in life.
Make rules (like list-making or scheduling) in ORDER to break them. Rules create the structure so you know WHERE the weakest parts are-- so you can fix those weak areas-- and use efficiency to proceed with tasks and reach the best efficiency balanced with happiness and peace in life.
Anxious at Work!
I saw my counselor on Tuesday. (Stupid spell check! Why on earth do weekdays need to be capitalized???) Talking about my issues (haha) made me realize something I've remembered before: I have "anxiety".
But today at work, (I'm a nursing assistant) it really affected me. As I got more and more behind with my tasks, I got more and more anxious, to the point where I couldn't think straight, or really, at all. I can't use the excuse that I'm new anymore, as good as it is. It's not exactly an excuse I can use now. I really do have anxiety. Not ADD! Anxiety!
So even though I'm not planning on taking pills for this (I might try them, I just don't like the idea) I really do need to find normal ways to counter anxiety like that. It's silly, and it seems easy to get away from when I talk about it, but it is very hard, in fact.
It's like everything is pressing in at once-- I lose my thoughts as soon as I think them, I do things too quickly, dropping pens and gloves, tripping over furniture and laundry, rushing the patients, and being unable to decide on which task to start first. When I do start a task, I can't stick with it because I suddenly come up with the weird idea that I should start another task first, just because. So I'll try to do both at once and take even longer to finish.
Haha... um... this sounds-- metaphorically-- like the way I deal with my life.
Okay. This is something I have to look into.
PROBLEM - I get anxious, slow, and erroneous
RESULT - I'm disorganized, late, a klutz, irresponsible
WAY TO DEAL
1. face my anxiety - say "I'm anxious" or "I'm freaking out" or "I'm worried" etc
2. think of all the tasks in your head, then pick the one you need to do first, then focus ONLY on that (if possible) till you finish.
Okie-dokie. Face it, think of everything, pick the important-est one, and focus on one thing at a time.
But today at work, (I'm a nursing assistant) it really affected me. As I got more and more behind with my tasks, I got more and more anxious, to the point where I couldn't think straight, or really, at all. I can't use the excuse that I'm new anymore, as good as it is. It's not exactly an excuse I can use now. I really do have anxiety. Not ADD! Anxiety!
So even though I'm not planning on taking pills for this (I might try them, I just don't like the idea) I really do need to find normal ways to counter anxiety like that. It's silly, and it seems easy to get away from when I talk about it, but it is very hard, in fact.
It's like everything is pressing in at once-- I lose my thoughts as soon as I think them, I do things too quickly, dropping pens and gloves, tripping over furniture and laundry, rushing the patients, and being unable to decide on which task to start first. When I do start a task, I can't stick with it because I suddenly come up with the weird idea that I should start another task first, just because. So I'll try to do both at once and take even longer to finish.
Haha... um... this sounds-- metaphorically-- like the way I deal with my life.
Okay. This is something I have to look into.
PROBLEM - I get anxious, slow, and erroneous
RESULT - I'm disorganized, late, a klutz, irresponsible
WAY TO DEAL
1. face my anxiety - say "I'm anxious" or "I'm freaking out" or "I'm worried" etc
2. think of all the tasks in your head, then pick the one you need to do first, then focus ONLY on that (if possible) till you finish.
Okie-dokie. Face it, think of everything, pick the important-est one, and focus on one thing at a time.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
People Visiting! Life Moves On?
WHAT I DID TODAY: I got up late again today. At one. Blech. I spent time watching Tokyo Mew Mew, then I went and had Sabbath lunch with my family. It was fun!
We laughed about how rude Teddy is with his frequent burping when drinking soda. He likes to "impress" but really is just being... well, a little ew. We can never get him to stop doing that. My mom stresses that we shouldn't yell at him and make him feel bad. I think that we could at least set some rules about being polite, but I suppose allowing it is better than making him feel like we hate him, haha. :)
After dinner I cleaned my room. Actually, it was pretty off and on, but I tried to stay on-task. It was a big job, but it was worth it. It took me all day, besides taking breaks. I'm not done yet, but the room is clean, it's just that there are a lot of boxes laying around with things I need to organize or sort through for giveaways. Next, I have to go through all those papers, figure out my finances and pay tithe, and finish my to-do lists. Paper stuff....
Today my cousin and her husband came to visit us! They are downstairs sleeping right now, using my room during their stay.
QUILT STORY: That's why I was cleaning it like mad. Since my silver silk comforter is at the dry cleaner's, I snuck out of the house Friday night to buy a cheap-o quilt from Walmart. It was a scary affair, because I kept forgetting things like my coat and I dropped things outside in the dark, somewhere in the gravel... and I had to sneak around looking for everything and making it look like I was only going for the mail. (Sabbaths-- from Friday sundown to Saturday sundown-- are the days of the week when we don't work, do business, or worry about things. We just relax. So going to the store is something we try to avoid, and I didn't want to make my mom sad. She was happy when I brought back bananas though! :)
QUILT HORROR: When I placed the quilt on the bed, (after finishing dusting, vacuuming, organizing, and moving stuff) I was horrified. Unfortunately for Allison, I was in a hyper, wild mood, mostly because I'd been cleaning hyper-actively and listening to music. My emotions burst out in a very realistic sounding sobbing when I said, "UUUUGGHGHHH!!! It's so UUUGGGLLY!!!" A few times.
She peeked into my room, all worried-looking, so I tried to explain, but I was too hyper to make it sound reasonable anyway. I hope people around me aren't driven crazy by my emotional antics. I just like SHOWING EMOTION, it's not like I feel out of control because of them-- in fact, sometimes when I'm crying about something is when I feel more in control. Being able to let emotions out makes you more in control of how you feel, whether or not you look like it on the outside. Weird, huh? But it's true.
Anyway, really, the bed cover is okay. It took me a while to get used to it, and I had to modify a few of the accent pillows. At first, I couldn't stand it, but I think I'm just not used to using peaches in my decorating.
Plus, the quilt overall is lacking color intensity. It's like you're looking through a very thin bit of waxed paper to see the quilt. I guess I mean the colors are slighltly dull. But at the same time, they're terribly contrasting and are too wild and chaotic to look at. They catch your eye, but once they do, it causes you pain.
Green, peach, purple, beige, you understand what I mean, right? I used some brown pillows to mellow it out, but I couldn't avoid using a deep red under-blanket that made it look like the comforter was bleeding.
I'm being dramatic, most people would say it looks fine, but I certainly wouldn't be satisfied if I was designing for something serious. It's just my room, so... I can get used to it. :)
VISITING COUSINS: I was so surprised to see Salli (my cousin). I never really spent time talking with my cousins when I'd go to family reunions (on my mom's side). Either that, or I don't remember well. I think that as I got older, I became more shy, and I avoided getting close to people or sharing bits of myself. I didn't WANT to be close to others, so sharing intimate things about myself wasn't on my to-do list. But talking with Salli is so much fun! She has good advice and she's smart and talkative and sweet. I don't feel awkward or embarrassed or even very shy. Most importantly, I can explain problems I'm dealing with to her and she can talk about that with me instead of me feeling like I have to hide those things. (Stuff about having to leave college badly half-finished, not being able to pick a career or a major, etc.) Tomorrow we're going to do something fun, before I go to work at two.
We laughed about how rude Teddy is with his frequent burping when drinking soda. He likes to "impress" but really is just being... well, a little ew. We can never get him to stop doing that. My mom stresses that we shouldn't yell at him and make him feel bad. I think that we could at least set some rules about being polite, but I suppose allowing it is better than making him feel like we hate him, haha. :)
After dinner I cleaned my room. Actually, it was pretty off and on, but I tried to stay on-task. It was a big job, but it was worth it. It took me all day, besides taking breaks. I'm not done yet, but the room is clean, it's just that there are a lot of boxes laying around with things I need to organize or sort through for giveaways. Next, I have to go through all those papers, figure out my finances and pay tithe, and finish my to-do lists. Paper stuff....
Today my cousin and her husband came to visit us! They are downstairs sleeping right now, using my room during their stay.
QUILT STORY: That's why I was cleaning it like mad. Since my silver silk comforter is at the dry cleaner's, I snuck out of the house Friday night to buy a cheap-o quilt from Walmart. It was a scary affair, because I kept forgetting things like my coat and I dropped things outside in the dark, somewhere in the gravel... and I had to sneak around looking for everything and making it look like I was only going for the mail. (Sabbaths-- from Friday sundown to Saturday sundown-- are the days of the week when we don't work, do business, or worry about things. We just relax. So going to the store is something we try to avoid, and I didn't want to make my mom sad. She was happy when I brought back bananas though! :)
QUILT HORROR: When I placed the quilt on the bed, (after finishing dusting, vacuuming, organizing, and moving stuff) I was horrified. Unfortunately for Allison, I was in a hyper, wild mood, mostly because I'd been cleaning hyper-actively and listening to music. My emotions burst out in a very realistic sounding sobbing when I said, "UUUUGGHGHHH!!! It's so UUUGGGLLY!!!" A few times.
She peeked into my room, all worried-looking, so I tried to explain, but I was too hyper to make it sound reasonable anyway. I hope people around me aren't driven crazy by my emotional antics. I just like SHOWING EMOTION, it's not like I feel out of control because of them-- in fact, sometimes when I'm crying about something is when I feel more in control. Being able to let emotions out makes you more in control of how you feel, whether or not you look like it on the outside. Weird, huh? But it's true.
Anyway, really, the bed cover is okay. It took me a while to get used to it, and I had to modify a few of the accent pillows. At first, I couldn't stand it, but I think I'm just not used to using peaches in my decorating.
Plus, the quilt overall is lacking color intensity. It's like you're looking through a very thin bit of waxed paper to see the quilt. I guess I mean the colors are slighltly dull. But at the same time, they're terribly contrasting and are too wild and chaotic to look at. They catch your eye, but once they do, it causes you pain.
Green, peach, purple, beige, you understand what I mean, right? I used some brown pillows to mellow it out, but I couldn't avoid using a deep red under-blanket that made it look like the comforter was bleeding.
I'm being dramatic, most people would say it looks fine, but I certainly wouldn't be satisfied if I was designing for something serious. It's just my room, so... I can get used to it. :)
VISITING COUSINS: I was so surprised to see Salli (my cousin). I never really spent time talking with my cousins when I'd go to family reunions (on my mom's side). Either that, or I don't remember well. I think that as I got older, I became more shy, and I avoided getting close to people or sharing bits of myself. I didn't WANT to be close to others, so sharing intimate things about myself wasn't on my to-do list. But talking with Salli is so much fun! She has good advice and she's smart and talkative and sweet. I don't feel awkward or embarrassed or even very shy. Most importantly, I can explain problems I'm dealing with to her and she can talk about that with me instead of me feeling like I have to hide those things. (Stuff about having to leave college badly half-finished, not being able to pick a career or a major, etc.) Tomorrow we're going to do something fun, before I go to work at two.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Epiphanies All Day!
Today, ALL OF A SUDDEN, when I was talking to my mom... I realized some things. And I became suddenly motivated, like, I don't know why!
I cleaned house after two o'clock, like A LOT. Lately I have not been able to clean for more than thirty minutes at a time. I just get tired, distracted, bored, or depressed about the fact that I'm about to quit, and then I quit. Which of course sounds silly to you, I'm supposing, but really, these feelings are very real. I've just lost my motivation so much!
I woke up at 8:45 this morning, which was certainly a helpful part of all this.
But I did fight with my mom today. It was avoidable, but somehow I didn't make it.
But I'm seeing a counselor AGAIN. It really is good, though, and I'm happy about the development, as embarrassed as I am to need counseling. But I accept it! It will really help me, so it is a good thing.
1. I have to start spending more time with my family. Invite them places (movies for my mom, paint-balling for my little brother, things like that) participate in activities that they enjoy (play video-games with my brother instead of complaining that he's boring or should do something else), and spend more time around the house instead of my room. When I am around my family, I should avoid wearing headphones. I can work on cleaning house more, and decorating for holidays, then playing music and having snacks out while I'm decorating so that it's fun and people want to join me. I say this because I think my mom, brother, and I are becoming more and more drawn to video and computer games and television in our own rooms-- secluded-- and so our relationships are falling apart because we don't have anything to base them on. (My dad's always at work 'till late at night, and he can't do anything about that.)
2. I want to listen and watch more carefully for other people's emotions. Pay attention to how they're feeling and speak (or don't) according to that. Don't take things personally, either. Be "professional" like I am at work, but at the same time, DO share my own feelings when other people want to listen. Remember there are boundaries! I can't try and tell other people how they need to be, because they'll understand better if they figure out things for themselves.
3. Find a job, pick some studies/activities (praying, japanese, spanish, working out, practicing piano) to actually focus on daily, start going to church, and go to bed early so that I can get up early. CHOOSE to do these things.
I cleaned house after two o'clock, like A LOT. Lately I have not been able to clean for more than thirty minutes at a time. I just get tired, distracted, bored, or depressed about the fact that I'm about to quit, and then I quit. Which of course sounds silly to you, I'm supposing, but really, these feelings are very real. I've just lost my motivation so much!
I woke up at 8:45 this morning, which was certainly a helpful part of all this.
But I did fight with my mom today. It was avoidable, but somehow I didn't make it.
But I'm seeing a counselor AGAIN. It really is good, though, and I'm happy about the development, as embarrassed as I am to need counseling. But I accept it! It will really help me, so it is a good thing.
1. I have to start spending more time with my family. Invite them places (movies for my mom, paint-balling for my little brother, things like that) participate in activities that they enjoy (play video-games with my brother instead of complaining that he's boring or should do something else), and spend more time around the house instead of my room. When I am around my family, I should avoid wearing headphones. I can work on cleaning house more, and decorating for holidays, then playing music and having snacks out while I'm decorating so that it's fun and people want to join me. I say this because I think my mom, brother, and I are becoming more and more drawn to video and computer games and television in our own rooms-- secluded-- and so our relationships are falling apart because we don't have anything to base them on. (My dad's always at work 'till late at night, and he can't do anything about that.)
2. I want to listen and watch more carefully for other people's emotions. Pay attention to how they're feeling and speak (or don't) according to that. Don't take things personally, either. Be "professional" like I am at work, but at the same time, DO share my own feelings when other people want to listen. Remember there are boundaries! I can't try and tell other people how they need to be, because they'll understand better if they figure out things for themselves.
3. Find a job, pick some studies/activities (praying, japanese, spanish, working out, practicing piano) to actually focus on daily, start going to church, and go to bed early so that I can get up early. CHOOSE to do these things.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Hello in Japanese!... I think?
こにちわ！日本語です！ごめ、that was just for fun. I don't know much of what I am writing there. It should say, "Konichiwa! Nihongo desu! Gome" or "Hello! It's Japanese! Sorry" ... because I don't actually know any Japanese and I feel silly attempting something that I don't know anything about. I don't think I used the correct writing systems just now. Hahaha it's embarrassing....
Anyway, I am excited to start my day tomorrow! Wish me luck. No. Luck doesn't exist. But you know what I mean! I am going to start writing how everything goes, in detail, so I have to be... accountable. Tomorrow I'll expect (from myself haha...) a full report. I want to start writing about my LIFE more, and less theorizing! Here goes!!
Anyway, I am excited to start my day tomorrow! Wish me luck. No. Luck doesn't exist. But you know what I mean! I am going to start writing how everything goes, in detail, so I have to be... accountable. Tomorrow I'll expect (from myself haha...) a full report. I want to start writing about my LIFE more, and less theorizing! Here goes!!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Take a Walk Outside!
I went for a walk today outside with the dog, Jellybean. She sits outside every day in her boring pen, on cement, with just a rug. Her doghouse was thrown out a while ago because it... I can't remember, was so chewed up? Or it wouldn't snap back together after we'd taken it apart to clean it so many times? Something like that.
But I have this weird feeling that her eyes are sad, and I don't know what to do about it. I wish we spent more time with her. It FRUSTRATES me that she lives in that pen all her life, and only gets to come out of it two different hours of the day, morning and night, to eat and walk. But that's boring. Why do we have a dog if she only serves to be a chore twice a day? She's not a companion or someone to hang out with, she's a task. Arrrggg. My family is particular about things like germs and things, so it's hard to change rules like this. Jellybean will run away if we let her run loose, and she would dig under a fence. A leash or some sort of other device might work, but the repercussions are uncertain (getting tangled, electric fence ineffective, etc) and so I just don't see a solution to her solitude problem....
Anyway, we walked around the pond today. There are two separate pools, separated by one large bridge, and another bridge over a creek a little down the ways, and over by a large shade of trees, willow, and other deciduous-- a log-bridge spans a smooth pathway of water. I sat on the log-bridge today, in my jeans, pink boots dangling, even though it was a little damp, with Cat trying to climb into my lap, and Jellybean carelessly balancing on her four feet. The larger pool, in view ahead of us, was very smooth and still, like glass, with the beautiful willow tree draping gracefully, evening down to the tips of limey leaves like slender fingers, barely disturbing the delicate surface. Since it has been raining here for days, the grass everywhere is as green as if it was dyed with HOT green St. Patrick's day dye. It's so beautiful! And very calm. It was evening, about five o'clock, when I went out. Now, it's twilight and the willow's leaves have become black silhouettes against the grey-blue.
The clouds were gray, and the air was cool but not cold. The prettiest thing is all those deep, bright, apple-red leaves on the trees, and the orangey-brown ones on the ground. There are even a few trees with a soothing, refreshing color of yellow still on their branches, but with the weather lately, the trees are starting to show their skeletons, like a mourning in preparation for winter. But I like winter-- the contrast between the hot and cold makes me think of Christmas-- warm twinkling colors, hot soup, warm socks and slippers, and the smell of heat coming from the furnace. I like that familiar "whhhoooooooSSSSHHH" it makes when it turns on-- and when I'm cold enough to accept more heat. It feels very nice.... Lately it has begun to smell like Christmas around the house.
I'm sorry, am I bugging you with this talk about Christmas? It's really only supposed to be Halloween. And the weather is certainly appropriate. I can see why so many people refer to Fall as their favorite season. It's really captivating.
But I have this weird feeling that her eyes are sad, and I don't know what to do about it. I wish we spent more time with her. It FRUSTRATES me that she lives in that pen all her life, and only gets to come out of it two different hours of the day, morning and night, to eat and walk. But that's boring. Why do we have a dog if she only serves to be a chore twice a day? She's not a companion or someone to hang out with, she's a task. Arrrggg. My family is particular about things like germs and things, so it's hard to change rules like this. Jellybean will run away if we let her run loose, and she would dig under a fence. A leash or some sort of other device might work, but the repercussions are uncertain (getting tangled, electric fence ineffective, etc) and so I just don't see a solution to her solitude problem....
Anyway, we walked around the pond today. There are two separate pools, separated by one large bridge, and another bridge over a creek a little down the ways, and over by a large shade of trees, willow, and other deciduous-- a log-bridge spans a smooth pathway of water. I sat on the log-bridge today, in my jeans, pink boots dangling, even though it was a little damp, with Cat trying to climb into my lap, and Jellybean carelessly balancing on her four feet. The larger pool, in view ahead of us, was very smooth and still, like glass, with the beautiful willow tree draping gracefully, evening down to the tips of limey leaves like slender fingers, barely disturbing the delicate surface. Since it has been raining here for days, the grass everywhere is as green as if it was dyed with HOT green St. Patrick's day dye. It's so beautiful! And very calm. It was evening, about five o'clock, when I went out. Now, it's twilight and the willow's leaves have become black silhouettes against the grey-blue.
The clouds were gray, and the air was cool but not cold. The prettiest thing is all those deep, bright, apple-red leaves on the trees, and the orangey-brown ones on the ground. There are even a few trees with a soothing, refreshing color of yellow still on their branches, but with the weather lately, the trees are starting to show their skeletons, like a mourning in preparation for winter. But I like winter-- the contrast between the hot and cold makes me think of Christmas-- warm twinkling colors, hot soup, warm socks and slippers, and the smell of heat coming from the furnace. I like that familiar "whhhoooooooSSSSHHH" it makes when it turns on-- and when I'm cold enough to accept more heat. It feels very nice.... Lately it has begun to smell like Christmas around the house.
I'm sorry, am I bugging you with this talk about Christmas? It's really only supposed to be Halloween. And the weather is certainly appropriate. I can see why so many people refer to Fall as their favorite season. It's really captivating.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Ocean?
I'm feeling very excited. I've got an image in my head-- and if I stop to think what she, he, them-- what they think--?
SILLY! What, silly?! How about useless!? I don't have to worry what they think. Worry is useless when it's only about yourself. Ha. :)
Running on the beach with bare feet! Sand under your feet, and it's hard to run. Solitary-- ocean air, focused. What should I do-- where should I go? Here, it doesn't matter. I'm happy here.
I can't begin to guess what this life might be like. I know it will contain things I don't expect, but at the same time, I can almost guess what those things are.
I'm getting ready for this. I'm ready to get up and run towards it.
SILLY! What, silly?! How about useless!? I don't have to worry what they think. Worry is useless when it's only about yourself. Ha. :)
Running on the beach with bare feet! Sand under your feet, and it's hard to run. Solitary-- ocean air, focused. What should I do-- where should I go? Here, it doesn't matter. I'm happy here.
I can't begin to guess what this life might be like. I know it will contain things I don't expect, but at the same time, I can almost guess what those things are.
I'm getting ready for this. I'm ready to get up and run towards it.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Another One!
I just made this list of things that are important to me. Lately I have been making lists to try and organize my life and my activities, and though they are good lists, this one is simpler in that it's more "priorities" based instead of "task" based. This one, instead, is more oriented toward gathering up all those little tasks in a few big fistfuls, so that I can figure out which things to do first. That way, I can look at my life and start getting things I need to done instead of worrying about where to start and then letting that stall me.
I think this is pretty comprehensive. Some might argue that I'm forgetting about friends, and I did include that, but either way, I will be a better person when I find lots of time to hang out with my friends, but I don't think that's what makes me who I am. I do really well on my own, too, and friends are things that will happen to me more than I'll be going out and making and effort to find them. The friends I want to make are the kind that I can talk to because we understand each other, not the kind who can get me into parties or who can help me get dates with hot guys. Hee hee. I feel the same way about dating as I do about making friends, actually. Friends and dating should provide benefits for everybody, not just for me!
connection to God - praying, knowledge, meditating
cleanliness - me, my surroundings
responsibility - work/finances, cleaning up after myself, taking part in helping out around house and caring for my family and friends
working out - exercise!
relaxation - just for me
reading, learning, and creating - for my mind
studying - for my future
cleanliness - me, my surroundings
responsibility - work/finances, cleaning up after myself, taking part in helping out around house and caring for my family and friends
working out - exercise!
relaxation - just for me
reading, learning, and creating - for my mind
studying - for my future
I think this is pretty comprehensive. Some might argue that I'm forgetting about friends, and I did include that, but either way, I will be a better person when I find lots of time to hang out with my friends, but I don't think that's what makes me who I am. I do really well on my own, too, and friends are things that will happen to me more than I'll be going out and making and effort to find them. The friends I want to make are the kind that I can talk to because we understand each other, not the kind who can get me into parties or who can help me get dates with hot guys. Hee hee. I feel the same way about dating as I do about making friends, actually. Friends and dating should provide benefits for everybody, not just for me!
Monday, October 18, 2010
Self-demolishment!!
I had a really great idea an hour ago. Instead of making myself "goals" lists and simply worrying about those goals, I should punish myself daily for not completing them.
Haha.
I'm really great with self-criticism and self-punishment. Quite skilled, actually! I'm going to utilize my self-demolishment abilities and force myself to do extra chores and things when I don't accomplish daily goals. That way, instead of feeling sad about it, I'll just have to get busy!
But seriously, I'm not going to get anywhere with my goals if I just think about them and slowly "try" over and over again. I have to take more... definitive action. I think I've been being too soft on myself.
I'm going to pretend I'm being forced, like a servant, or something. It'll be fun!
Oh, I figured out how to type Japanese even better with my computer! I can toggle between the languages with my keyboard now, instead of clicking my mouse. Like this...
alt+shift to switch between English and 日本語
once you're using the 日本語 keyboard, press shift+capslock to toggle between ひらがな and alphanumeric full-width. to get directly to ひらがな, you can also use ctrl+capslock. I don't know how to get the half-width alphanumeric without clicking, oh well!
for カタカナ just press alt+capslock (but like with the other options, it only works if you were already in the 日本語 mode/keyboard/imput mode, accessed by pressing alt+shift.)
It doesn't seem like many people have the handle on it, because I had a hard time finding it on the internet. Maybe I just wasn't looking in the right places. The options in the control panel (for PCs) is super confusing!!! And impossible to decipher.
It's a lot easier after I figured this part out, but it still takes some time to type. Of course, since I am completely clueless about Kanji, I can't really type Japanese anyway, except in hiragana and katakana.
Haha.
I'm really great with self-criticism and self-punishment. Quite skilled, actually! I'm going to utilize my self-demolishment abilities and force myself to do extra chores and things when I don't accomplish daily goals. That way, instead of feeling sad about it, I'll just have to get busy!
But seriously, I'm not going to get anywhere with my goals if I just think about them and slowly "try" over and over again. I have to take more... definitive action. I think I've been being too soft on myself.
I'm going to pretend I'm being forced, like a servant, or something. It'll be fun!
Oh, I figured out how to type Japanese even better with my computer! I can toggle between the languages with my keyboard now, instead of clicking my mouse. Like this...
alt+shift to switch between English and 日本語
once you're using the 日本語 keyboard, press shift+capslock to toggle between ひらがな and alphanumeric full-width. to get directly to ひらがな, you can also use ctrl+capslock. I don't know how to get the half-width alphanumeric without clicking, oh well!
for カタカナ just press alt+capslock (but like with the other options, it only works if you were already in the 日本語 mode/keyboard/imput mode, accessed by pressing alt+shift.)
It doesn't seem like many people have the handle on it, because I had a hard time finding it on the internet. Maybe I just wasn't looking in the right places. The options in the control panel (for PCs) is super confusing!!! And impossible to decipher.
It's a lot easier after I figured this part out, but it still takes some time to type. Of course, since I am completely clueless about Kanji, I can't really type Japanese anyway, except in hiragana and katakana.
By George, I Think She's Got It!
Life is something where you go to work or school every day. It's just how it is, it's not something I'm going to avoid. Thinking that I don't need to is only temporary-- eventually, I have to accept that working is important, and I have to get out there and get a job. However, it's important that I keep looking until I find one that is good for me: one that 1) I enjoy doing its activities 2) I can make friends there 3) pays enough money that it's worth doing. Okay, me! Get out there! :) I can't believe I didn't realize this before. I'm glad it seems so obvious now. I know I'm going to forget....
free for all. stop freaking. focus on now - breathe - dance - the music fades out -
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .life begins, and a new track comes on the radio -
free for all. stop freaking. focus on now - breathe - dance - the music fades out -
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .life begins, and a new track comes on the radio -
Saturday, October 16, 2010
To Alex
This is for Alex. I'm sorry. I don't know what to say that's better than that. I'm kind of like that crazy girl you were talking about on the phone. Except I'd say I more of a bitch.
To be so cruel, twice? I don't think I know how to handle this stuff, and I can't communicate how I feel, either. That's why it happened in the first place, I guess.
But that's not the point.
I want you to know that you are an awesome person, and I completely respect you. You're funny, and unique, and caring. Those are really good things, and that's what I liked about you. I'm sorry, I suck at apology letters. I'm sure I'm doing this all wrong! Anyway, you deserve somebody who loves you because of your awesomeness, and you'll meet her someday, I'm sure. I'll pray for it. It's not me, though. So I hope you forget me, because I shouldn't be anybody to you. I wasn't fair to you, and you shouldn't let a girl be like that to you!!
左様なら。
To be so cruel, twice? I don't think I know how to handle this stuff, and I can't communicate how I feel, either. That's why it happened in the first place, I guess.
But that's not the point.
I want you to know that you are an awesome person, and I completely respect you. You're funny, and unique, and caring. Those are really good things, and that's what I liked about you. I'm sorry, I suck at apology letters. I'm sure I'm doing this all wrong! Anyway, you deserve somebody who loves you because of your awesomeness, and you'll meet her someday, I'm sure. I'll pray for it. It's not me, though. So I hope you forget me, because I shouldn't be anybody to you. I wasn't fair to you, and you shouldn't let a girl be like that to you!!
左様なら。
Random Short on Consistency!
I just thought of something. I am really down on myself lately. I know that's not healthy, but I'm still just very... self critical. Right? Okay. But the good thing is...
I'm not as terribly inconsistent and useless as I make myself out to be. From some people's point of view, yes, I don't have a very good way to make money, and that means I'm not very successful in, well, the real world. I know that.
But. I have been consistent with a few things lately. Writing in my blog-- for instance-- I've held out and made an entry practically every day... for months. That's amazing. I didn't expect I'd be so consistent about it. It really is helping me sort out my thoughts, though.
I also have very consistently watched a lot of anime.
Haha.
No really, I know that's not as much of an accomplishment... at all... except that now I want to learn Japanese, and I seriously am a lot closer than most people because of all the anime I watch. So--
NO NO NO! Bad excuse. I still need to balance my time better.
Anyway, at least I know I can be consistent with something. I just have to apply that to other things, right?
Awesome. :) Think of school, work, and working at relationships with family and friends... like the way I'm consistent with anime and my blog... because I love them, I think. I just have to learn how to love school and work!
Ha-- it sounds easy that way. I know it's not, but making comparisons like that really help!
I'm not as terribly inconsistent and useless as I make myself out to be. From some people's point of view, yes, I don't have a very good way to make money, and that means I'm not very successful in, well, the real world. I know that.
But. I have been consistent with a few things lately. Writing in my blog-- for instance-- I've held out and made an entry practically every day... for months. That's amazing. I didn't expect I'd be so consistent about it. It really is helping me sort out my thoughts, though.
I also have very consistently watched a lot of anime.
Haha.
No really, I know that's not as much of an accomplishment... at all... except that now I want to learn Japanese, and I seriously am a lot closer than most people because of all the anime I watch. So--
NO NO NO! Bad excuse. I still need to balance my time better.
Anyway, at least I know I can be consistent with something. I just have to apply that to other things, right?
Awesome. :) Think of school, work, and working at relationships with family and friends... like the way I'm consistent with anime and my blog... because I love them, I think. I just have to learn how to love school and work!
Ha-- it sounds easy that way. I know it's not, but making comparisons like that really help!
Ground Zero: Depressed! Or Not!
I made a new goal list, in >>Ground Zero>>. I make new ones so much, I'm starting to doubt in their value. What if it's all hopeless-- that everything I try to do will never end up in the place I want it to be in? I try and try and try, but am I pushing against a brick wall-- and the wrong one, at that? Am I confused because I'm lost for a path, or am I lost only because I feel that way?
It's the latter, it must be! I'm not lost, I just think I am. Sometimes "trying harder" and "trying again" seem like the only answers available.
But there must be another one. I have tried harder, and again. "Third time's a charm" won't work this time, 'cause it's far past the third time!!! Am I lying to myself, and missing something essential?
I can look at my stupid goals list as many times as I want, but I don't know if that's a solution. It hasn't worked yet. It makes me want to cry.
There MUST be a solution. I might just make it.
I'm trying too hard... in the wrong way. I make lists like this, but it's hard to focus on all of things at once. I'm being too idealistic in thinking that my life will be perfect if I could just follow a list like that.
Right?
Here I go. Again. I'm trying again. I will do this. I will fight. I'm going. Now.
It's the latter, it must be! I'm not lost, I just think I am. Sometimes "trying harder" and "trying again" seem like the only answers available.
But there must be another one. I have tried harder, and again. "Third time's a charm" won't work this time, 'cause it's far past the third time!!! Am I lying to myself, and missing something essential?
I can look at my stupid goals list as many times as I want, but I don't know if that's a solution. It hasn't worked yet. It makes me want to cry.
There MUST be a solution. I might just make it.
I'm trying too hard... in the wrong way. I make lists like this, but it's hard to focus on all of things at once. I'm being too idealistic in thinking that my life will be perfect if I could just follow a list like that.
Right?
>:-[
I'm printing out that list, and I'm carrying it around my neck on a string. I'll do anything. I'm going to pray, too. Every time. Number nine. That is probably the obvious thing I'm missing.
There is no ideal, not really. I can't make it. Life is about aspiring for something you can't ever reach. For me, at least, as an idealist, I'll never get everything I want. But I can be happy with what I have, too. Time to reach for the stars.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Enemy! Face Your Doubt to Conquer!
Dancing! I love dancing. I dance in my garage. It is a good workout. And now... to become skinnier! I'm going to have to eat less sugary things. *tears* Dancing helps me imagine. It's beautiful, and freeing, and wild.
I feel confused today. Should I keep thinking about using music as my career? Music, and language?
It's the best idea. It's what I like. I don't know why I would want to do something else. I am just so be-fuddled.
Okay. So what should a person do when she or he has recurring doubts? She quells her doubts, but the next day, the next month-- they come back. Like a stalker you previously had avoided, or spilled rice, or spray-and-wash on skin, doubt haunts through dark shadows. It breathes cold, scratchy fear down your back. I hate it. And yet, this should be something that a human can stop with her own hands, and her own mind. Why do I let doubt scare me so badly?
Maybe... I can fight it. If I thought of doubt as it truly is-- an opponent, my 敵-- I would have the will to fight it. Only when you admit you're afraid do you really find the strength to turn around and attack what was scaring you.
I have my own story, and I am the heroine. I must do my best to succeed. When I do, I won't feel like a different person-- because I'll always be Cara. That's me. My success is already inside me. My future is inside me. My dreams-- glowing orbs-- lights-- I can see them at the end of the mountain train tunnel. I can see the light, but I'm unaware of the landscape where the tracks lead. I CAN be beautiful, and loving, and share my dreams with others who can't find their own, just like I feel now. That's what I want to do....
Spend too much time trying to decide, and you become unable to remember what you finally did decide on. My brain feels like it's been in the toaster too long.
Or re-re-re-fried beans. Do they really fry those??
I'd better stop before I type anything more.
I feel confused today. Should I keep thinking about using music as my career? Music, and language?
It's the best idea. It's what I like. I don't know why I would want to do something else. I am just so be-fuddled.
Okay. So what should a person do when she or he has recurring doubts? She quells her doubts, but the next day, the next month-- they come back. Like a stalker you previously had avoided, or spilled rice, or spray-and-wash on skin, doubt haunts through dark shadows. It breathes cold, scratchy fear down your back. I hate it. And yet, this should be something that a human can stop with her own hands, and her own mind. Why do I let doubt scare me so badly?
Maybe... I can fight it. If I thought of doubt as it truly is-- an opponent, my 敵-- I would have the will to fight it. Only when you admit you're afraid do you really find the strength to turn around and attack what was scaring you.
I have my own story, and I am the heroine. I must do my best to succeed. When I do, I won't feel like a different person-- because I'll always be Cara. That's me. My success is already inside me. My future is inside me. My dreams-- glowing orbs-- lights-- I can see them at the end of the mountain train tunnel. I can see the light, but I'm unaware of the landscape where the tracks lead. I CAN be beautiful, and loving, and share my dreams with others who can't find their own, just like I feel now. That's what I want to do....
Spend too much time trying to decide, and you become unable to remember what you finally did decide on. My brain feels like it's been in the toaster too long.
Or re-re-re-fried beans. Do they really fry those??
I'd better stop before I type anything more.
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