(I just wanted to mention the following.... Trust me, I am too much of a coward for that. I don't like pain. And I'm not a depressed person. I am very much into enjoyment of expressing myself, and enjoyment of the beauty of life in general. Really, I'm just upset about myself being alive because I don't know WHY, not because I actually want to end anything. I'm just feeling kinda sorry for myself. And when you feel sorry for yourself, your basic survival instincts are still there.... so I don't actually want to be dead. No worries! ;) heh heh.... ugh. this sounds so weeeeiiirrrd! This is the post I started with, right in the middle of what I was worried about. It starts frantically. Anyway, go ahead....)
Dear God,
I'm stuck in addiction again. My trying to fight it didn't work, not yet. I was hoping that if I fully experienced it, I could pull out of it. Is that possible? So far, it doesn't seem like I'm doing it right. Television and anime don't matter in real life, but I am drawn to it in a way that matters to me more than anything. If I would realize that it is only the strong emotions I feel at the moment that are pulling me in , and if I would realize that my emotions afterward--the ones I feel once I understand the consequences--
I don't know what to do about my English final. I had time to study, but I didn't. I have half an hour until my test. No, sixteen minutes until I have to leave my room in order to get there on time. But I didn't study for it. I DIDN'T! I COULD HAVE! I HAD TIME! Why couldn't I take that time when I had it? Why didn't I take it when I had it? I was afraid to start, in that I might not finish? I have yet to answer this question. I need to think about it, but maybe the best thing is to
Should I study now? If I don't go to the final, I could maybe get an X in the class because I did not attend enough classes to get a grade. But is that true? Did I?
I think the only solution right now is to:
1) look at my syllabus and see if I might have attended less than half of the quarter's classes
2) if yes to number one, do NOT go to the final in order to get an X in the class. Start studying for theory. I hate this! This is my favorite option. I hate it! But I hate the other option more.***
3) if no to number one, stop looking at syllabus and do my best to study any information possible in the ten minutes I have, then go to the final regardless, and get there on-time.
AAAARRRGGG I hate this feeling!!! And my stomach is telling me so....
*** (from number 2) I don't want to go into that world. I want to keep typing. Maybe this (number two) is the reason--I don't really want to---wait, why don't I want to learn? All I want to do is escape. Escape life--? That's the only way I can explain it. Do I need more friends? Why am I so unhappy? Why can't I make learning my world? Like I said, a slave to knowledge. I don't mean that in a negative way (I know, I didn't explain it very well before...) but I mean it in that a girl who is a "slave" to something means that that is what's important in her life. She would do anything to protect it, because it is her life-blood, her life-point, the essential reason for the existence of her soul.
WHY DO I WANT TO ESCAPE? WHY??????
--This is the answer I need to find. This is the root of my problem ("problem" -- to put it into a simple word).
I emailed my teacher. The mistake I'm making is not going to class. If I don't go to class, I will regret it later. I am making a bad decision, right now! ....
Hi Dr. Gina,
I have a question about my grade. I'm worried about it, and there's not a lot I can do to make it better at this point. I'm having trouble in school, and a lot of complicated stuff, but right now I'm realizing it's my fault and I need to solve for myself, instead of making excuses. Simply put, I am not doing well because I make excuses. I only explain this in case you are curious, and I feel like I want to explain myself, and maybe that's not helpful. But I know it's still my problem that I need to fix.
What I am trying to ask you is about my grade-- I am trying to figure out if I could solve this problem by getting an X in ENGL 212. If I get an X it will act like a WITHDRAWAL from the class, and does not affect my GPA. But I can only get an X if I have not attended more than half of the quarter's class sessions. I am not sure. It would mean I should not attend the final, either.
I don't know what to do, and I am very upset about this. I don't wish to give up, and yet, I do. I should probably just accept a bad grade in the class. Please, tell me what you think. Thank you for your patience.
Cara Lowing
Really, I've sent this letter to late for Dr. Gina to get it. So... I should go to the final. It's 1:56. I don't want to go!!! I DON'T WANT TO! I feel safe right now. I am not dealing with the problem, I'm running away from it. But it's so scary! Making the decision to go to the final is the brave thing to do. But also, there is a kind of good reason not to go. I really suck! Like seriously, I suck.
I think the problem is that I want to give up. I don't want to keep trying. I don't want this badly enough, and I'm not strong enough. Do I need to take the advice of people around me? Do I need to simply stop whining about it, and just do it? I mean, duh, that's the obvious answer. But what is keeping me from doing it? I know I'm being analytical now, and yes, the solution is to "JUST DO IT"--it is so clear, and it makes sense--but here's the problem, and why I should be analyzing: something--most obviously myself--is keeping me from doing it. Either I can force myself to do this thing--which I have not yet been able to do, so maybe "can" is the wrong word--or I could try to figure out why I haven't done it yet. Like, really, it's my decision, isn't it? I don't know if I completely believe in "addiction" right now. Isn't addiction a choice? I know that people always say "I can stop if I wanted to" and yet they don't. But if I agree to that, I'm
1) admitting I'm weak. The next step in that process would be to
(2) go get help
(3) depend on that help to keep myself under control
(3) either get better control magically or depend on that help forever more
I know, I'm musing over what I've mused over for many, many days, and months, and yes... years... but I apparently haven't come to the conclusion yet. I need to reach that conclusion. (I'd like to say today, but I don't think forcing myself with a time limit is the point either. I'm a little distracted because I'm trying to solve the problem by trying as many angles as possible....)
So. WHAT IS THE SOLUTION??? oooooooooo! I am SOOOO MAAAD!!! I mean, at myself! AAARG. ARG. ARG. ARG.
Why don't I want to do this?
God, come on! Make me want to! Why not? What should I do? What should I do? It's ME who has to do something!
Just think--and it's my opinion that everyone on this earth was created by God, who has some sort of idea, or a life-point, for each person-- every person who commits suicide (since we're on the topic of no-point-to-life and why-am-I-living)--have they all had purposes? Or were they created by God TO commit suicide, in order to change someone's life somehow? No. It can't be. Is it possible to completely do nothing for the world, to never touch anyone--and then kill yourself? It can't be. There WOULD be no point in living then.
Maybe the real question is, what is living? I mean, overall, not just the vital signs thing. But WHAT is it? When are you alive, and when are you dead?
That is way to hard. I have no way to put something like that into words.... uh.... never mind.
Back to this obvious point.
"WHY DO I WANT TO DIE? WHY?????? --This is the answer I need to find. This is the root of my problem ("problem" -- to put it into a simple word)."
Okay. Why. Why. WHY.... Why don't I want to live?
Another one that I got sidetracked from:
"Television and anime don't matter in real life, but I am drawn to it in a way that matters to me more than anything."
ahhhhhh. AARRRRG. I know this isn't helping. Here's a half-hearted commitment: I want to not leave this post until I figure out all this. It's a simple answer. I just need to figure it out.
Something random I just realized. Perhaps key. I am undeniably drawn to knowledge. I am completely distracted by it as well, because I want to learn it all at once, so I go to learn one thing, then stop to learn something else before I finish the first thing, and on and on. I can't focus on school sometimes for that. Why do I want to understand everything?
It makes me feel closer to that thing--understanding something is wonderful because you become more intimately part of that knowledge, and can even modify it if you know it well enough. For example, if I understand a guy that I meet, I am intimately closer to his soul. It's the same thing with my roommate Ishva and the way I'm always analyzing her. I want to be closer to her. I dunno why that is. But also, with knowledge, I want to understand Japanese and Spanish and German and other language too, because then I can communicate with people in Japanese, and get closer to their knowledge, and know how their culture works. If I understand English literature better, I am closer to it as well. I do this with stories and movies, too. I want to understand the stories--the plots, the the events that happen--I want to know the ending--and I also want to understand the characters, in order to feel closer to them, I suppose? The characters, to me, represent aspects or fragments of real people, too--and if I can understand those things, I an understand real people better too.
You get the point. But I just can't get past explaining WHY I want to be closer to knowledge. What is so special about understanding something or people? I want to be close enough to be able to endear it or them to myself?
The only answer I can think of is that I want to be included in something, so I try my best to get closer to knowledge and understanding in order to be a part of something--TO HAVE A PLACE TO BELONG--to have a place I understand and feel at home in. A place I feel secure, too. But maybe "security" and "stability" isn't what I've always been desiring (versus instability and chaos, resulting in fear of the unknown) but more specifically, I want to have a career--and a life--that supports me well, and having a life that I enjoy living through-- and UNDERSTAND--INTIMATELY. uh, weird.
It might be that I need to live for God. And I haven't been living for God. This isn't one of those answers that goes "CHECK MARK"!! All done! We're gooood. Nooope.... but it could be effective-- IF I don't get sidetracked and forget how important it is, like I always do after I TRY to commit to something (like getting up in the morning regularly at the same time, for example.)
I mean. Living for God isn't what I've been doing... I've been living for myself. I do things to make me happy. And often, I do things for others too. But in order to make myself happy! Because I like FEELING LIKE A GOOD PERSON AND GETTING RECOGNITION FOR BEING "NICE"!! I HATE that. But at the same time, I feel safe. No one can get me here. I'm a "good" person. I do the "right" things and I "love" people. But truly, I love myself the most.
Or do I? It could be that I'm just WORRIED that I love myself the most, BECAUSE I'm such a good person. Heh heh heh! naw. I know that might be what it sounds like. And it might be partly true. When you really think about it, a person who is nice might love others so much that she is afraid that she doesn't truly love them--that she isn't really good--
No, that still leads back to me WANTING to be good in the eyes of the other people; henceforth, a person wishes she was good more than she wants to help others because she cares for them.
I think I'm right that I'm selfish. This is depressing.... I really don't care about other people.
No, that's not true. The idea is that sin perpetrates the world. 'Cause at the beginning, when everything was literally perfect--created by GOD, THE GUY... (consults thesaurus and deems useless) I got it: God is the SEED from which all things grow, including our known reality and anything that ever did or could exist. Then one of his creations--the lovely angel Lucifer-- goes and defies God, his creator, and tries to lead other angels, and the humans, to hate God. (I don't know why Lucifer would hate God.) It's basically a war between two opposing two sides. After Satan starts this war, he puts the spreading poison of sin into the world, and then everyone is sinful, because they're born in it. (There's a big fat religious argument-assertion for you.) Being born into sin means that we DO have selfish feelings. I can't expect myself to be a person who has only good intentions and actions and is never selfish. What I need to do is constantly be aware that, as a human, I am bound to be selfish and sinful, so I must fight without stopping, until Jesus comes back and makes me truly pure, like I'm supposed to be.
I'm going to consult the Bible about this....
(Hey, this isn't off-subject. I've been doing terribly subject-wise so far, but this is quite relevant. Finding out how to love other people in an absolute, no-lies way--what I'm searching for--is how I want to live my life. And living my life is what's in question.)
How should I love other people for real?
I'm using texts mentioned in the back of my Bible with the subject "Love".
Lev. 19: 18, 34 - context: levitical laws
Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the lord. Keep my decrees..... The alien living with you must be treated as one of your native-born. Love him as your self, for you were aliens in Egypt. I am the Lord your God.
I think:
Don't use stereotyping to judge people negatively as if you know them! Communicate with them and respect them without unhealthy judgment.
But... we should be careful with who we associate with--our friends and family--and therefore be careful of who we become. (I think who you associate with is influencing on personality.) Respect people and their potential to change, but you don't have to accept things they do as morally okay or healthy. If you think it's unhealthy it's okay to avoid that person. There is only so much you can do for someone if they don't want to change. Also, know that you are not always undeniably right.
Mark 12:28-34
"The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."
I think:
heart: my feelings/emotions/where I feel love
soul: essential essence of yourself; that which is eternal through God's memory
mind: natural intelligence/learned knowledge
strength: determination/focus
?LOVE WITH ALL OF THESE? :)
1 Cor. 13:1
John 4:7-21
I'm going to stop here. This is getting to be too long of an activity, and I think I'm calmed down enough. My post for Question1 is sufficient for now to get my work finished.
Signing off!
[*later edit: 7:59 pm - this entire post is crap. I mean, no probably not. It is too long though:) But it makes me mad, because I think it's Question1 that really has more value. This "Why don't I WANT to do the work" is dumb because, of course, I'm going to avoid something that I haven't succeeded in, that's what I always do when I haven't succeeded. That's why Question1 's answer makes more sense. I need to... just do it. :/ heh heh. I guess... I finally figured it out.*]
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