Hopes raised: I am me and God has my purpose!

I'm home now! I'll have to change my location, I suppose, since I'm not at Atlantis State any longer... maybe to a tropical rainforest? I'll come back to that later. I have something to write about.

It's delightful to be here--HOME-- where I feel comfortable, and have people that I love, but it's strange, at the same time. I feel like I moved out already! As it turns out, it's good I'm here for a longer period of time. I now know... I had unfinished business in terms of "moving out".

I would say my life is totally messed up. I mean, it feels that way, at least. Everything is so... screwed. I'm just sad... about the state of communication and lack of harmony, mostly, in my family and with my mother. Here's the situation: I left home when I moved to college (Atlantis State) in my freshman year, I was still attached to my immaturity, my home, and my parents in a way that left me unable to make decisions for myself. I was too fearful to think for myself. I didn't realize how important it was that I be brave... and how much more of a determinated effort it would take to succeed in college. So, I didn't put forth that strength. As I began to fail, slowly, the results becoming worse and worse with each passing quarter, my confidence took blows I couldn't recover from. I had no base of strength for climbing out of such a well. College was different that high school-- I wondered if I was really capable of the task I saw myself to be placed in. Furthermore, my parents were not there to guide my actions. My decisions were up to me, but I didn't see that. Besides, how do you pull out of something dark when you don't know from which direction you came? Worse still, I didn't admit to myself that--logically-- these failings were doings of my own, and so could also only be remedied only by ME.

It was in this state that I bodily placed myself in front of a counselor, begging for answers. What was going on? What was wrong with me?

Well, as I've explained (to annoying length... :) in my other posts, I figured out that I was making an invisible excuse. A circular reason. I thought there was-- WANTED there to be-- something blocking me. But in fact, this block was only the idea that there might be a block at all. So-- there was never any block in the first place, but myself and the thoughts in my mind.

So here I am, at home again, trying to take control over my life. At the same time, I must prove to myself, and my untrusting parents, that I make decisions for myself now.

Oh, why am I home? I should explain. :) My parents are sick of me going to school without getting good grades. I've made a lot of progress-- I can tell with the different way I feel about life, now that I'm back home--my habits are better and I have ambitions... that is totally new in terms of how I spent my time in the past summers after I'd entered college three years ago-- but this progress is not yet evident in my grades, which were too daunting for me to pull together in time for the end of spring quarter. I've learned a lot, but it was simply too late. I know, now (with some repressed doubt), that I can get through school successfully with a happy-ifying career, bountiful knowledge, and enriching communicative skills. While it IS going to be difficult with my parent's doubt hanging over my shoulders, I plan to disregard it and move on.

Anyway, my parents want me to go to a university that costs less than Atlantis, so I am home for that. My father, rightly, doesn't have faith in my academic and study skills, but I can see in his eyes and I can hear in his words that if I were to prove myself, he would believe in me. My mother, on the other hand, who has an amazingly emotional, passionate, and beautifully artistic personality, isn't dealing with my independence in the way that would help me best. She tries to take action in the best way possible, and uses her motherly capabilities to command me in the direction she believes is most wise. Effectively, I feel as if she has completely lost faith in me-- or did she ever have it? I try to explain to her, but it is pointless and I always end up in trouble for causing argument and introducing dark, hostile feelings that swirl around for weeks afterward.

I am writing this post because I am upset with myself about our arguments. They are fruitless and a of COURSE, a TOTAL waste of ENERGY!!!

aaarrrggggrrrr.

These arguments start the same way and end the same way. They sometimes begin because my mother has brought up the topic, but I still have the power to completely stop hostility by

1) respecting my mother
2) listening to what she has to say
3) and ending the conversation if it intrudes too deeply on what I know is best for me.
--> this means I must consider my options VERY carefully and make sure that my
parents' suggestions are incorrect before I go against them. (Especially, I should pray about it.)

But regardless of my awareness of the importance of points 1, 2, and 3, I still get in these DUMB arguments with my mother! So, tonight while I was washing my face, I decided I must find the root of the problem here.

And the root is...... ...

... what was it? Oh.

In the moments when I am listening to my mother--the times that I consider excruciating in their power to draw me into an argument, the epitome of what I DON'T want to do-- I always lose control. But what, exactly, am I losing control over? And I know what it is: it's my confidence. That's it, simply put. I lose my belief in myself. I forget what I want, who I am, where I'm going-- and I burst out into some sort of statement that contradicts my mother's, as if I need to change her. But it's not about her. It's about who I'm becoming, and all of that is my choice anyway. I have to stay myself! I am safe, within my own mind, my center, my chest, my heart. I am me. No one can change me. God is there in that center of mine. He will be my guiding light when all other lights flicker and go black! I must stay me!

My solution, then, to keep from arguments (with my little brother, too) is-- at all moments-- to keep myself as ME, and remember that no one can change me, but myself. This seems quite obvious, but I have a habit of doing the opposite, and that's why I feel the need to defend myself so often.

If I work on this-- and I know I will fail again and have another disagreement with her-- but if I work on it, I can seriously grow some confidence-muscle so that I sometimes-- maybe never-- lose my confidence--my self and God's purpose for me-- like this again.

***I'm writing the title of this post... I was thinking, I should make each post title dramatic, like the title of a movie, or at least as if each post was drastically important! It will be fun to make creative titles. :)

Signing off! Good ni-- ah... morning! (It's 12:25 now. That was great! I made so much thought-progress and only in one hour! *pumps fist* YES! Efficiency improving. (: )