New Realizations! Like... I Shouldn't Go to Medical School!

I've started writing on my closet, which is eight feet wide and as tall as the ceiling, with marker. It is a mirror, so I will wipe it off later. I write my to-do list, which is also on my phone, but it's easier to add it to the door first, and alter it, before I stick in my phone, which is more permanent and might last more than a day. A mirror is great for scratch paper, because it doesn't take up space, and it looks kind of weird and pretty-- poetry on top of the real world. The real world, with its implications that pass through normally in your mind, are there, visibly written. Words MEAN things--THROUGH them you can see reality!


So when I was writing, I was thinking about you! I wrote at the top, "Blog" and arrow pointed down at the information. (Which later ballooned all over the door and onto the other panel as well.) The information goes like this: I've realized some important things! They're not all. I'm sure I'm missing things, because every time I re-read what I wrote, I'd think of something equally as useful. So I also added later, and less relevantly, (8) I have a lot to say, so much that I worry I'll forget it. I hate it that I can't figure it all out at once. --> I'm impatient. Solution: Be patient. \: (:



I added later, last night to be exact, something like this: Beat yourself up. Discourage, demoralize, push, exhaust, lose all pride.



I say that 'cause I have too much pride. It inhibits me in so many ways. Here is the list I came up with that are things I've realized recently. I will likely add some more, this minute now, too.

_________________________

1. People do not understand each other. You can't expect them to. It's rare that you find people who come close to perfect communication through harmony of paradigms-- those people are your intimate friends, your spouse, your confidants. Those relationships are treasures--many people don't have any. In expecting people understand how you feel, you are prematurely judging their personality and effectively confusing them (to no end) with your words that reach them only after being distorted by their own paradigm. You DO, in fact, have to take any relationship slowly in order to allow time for each person in that relationship to adjust to comprehending the communication habits and actions of the other person. This means that when I talk to my mother, sometimes I don't have to explain everything I'm feeling if she isn't bound to understand. Expecting her to understand is the same as asking her to change herself to see it from my point of view. Some people can't do that regarding certain subjects or at all. That's not something I can change, so complicating a situation by bringing up a stagnant argument is just foolish.



Many disgreements I have with my mommy are aggravated by my trying to explain something, and if I stop this action, I will effectively stop a fight. When I look at it that way, it's like there was never a fight in the first place... I was just talking on and on, and my mother was trying to understand.



I have the power to change, sooo...



2. My end of the conversation with my mother needs to change. Her response will always be altered by what I say. I can steer our talks away from a have-done been-there tear-war for control. I don't need to fight for control. I need to accept her love, manifested through her spoken direction, and go along with flows of others, instead of predominantly my own.



3. I have a temper. Yah. So... I need to make sure to control it, instead of letting myself get angry.



A person can be passionate--which I am--without lashing out. Anger, in raw form, is strong. I can't use that to lash out! Instead, I've got to use that anger for momentum for a cause, or communicating the importance of a cause, if there actually is one. If there isn't, I should go do something constructive instead, using the anger for a motivation to get something done.

_______________________



Here's where the points get connected and veer away from arguments with my mother, or other people in general. 4, 5, and 6 all go together and the later points are effects of the previous point.



4. I am not flexible; I don't adapt.--> I CAN learn new information habits... but I ultimately want control of things, instead of being instructed. (At least, in situations where I'm comfortable enough to take control, like at home.)



5. I have disabling pride--it keeps me from changing. I pretend during real life so I don't have to see my failures--so I can maintain pride-- even if it is based on lies. I CAN'T CHANGE-- I CAN'T ADAPT--because I don't truly look at my failures.



6. I worry about the wrong people's opinions. Everybody needs somebody to look up to. That's how humans were made, I think. God wants us to just look up to him. In other words, I can't make any idols other than him. God's gonna be my idol. Except he's God, so he can't be an idol. Ummm. Eh. Anyway, so, if I keep God's opinion in my mind over other's, it would casually swipe away quite a few of my problems.



OKAY THEN! That's it. Except for one more thing, that I didn't write on my board, and a little unrelated. I was in the bathroom, brushing my teeth, getting ready for bed... (last night) and I remembered what I'd told my dad--that since I loved languages, I was going to have to consider making that my career instead of medicine. I meant it, but I hadn't actually done any of the considering part yet. And then I did. I haven't made any decisions, but I do know that I don't want to go to medical school anymore. It's a bit of a letdown, but I have some solid reasons.




WHY I SHOULDN'T GO TO MEDICAL SCHOOL: (ha ha ha. After all that... It's funny, right? Kind of.)

1. It will take a long time.


2. I haven't done well so far. That's partly not an issue--I believe in change--but I think I haven't done well because I DON'T LIKE IT. I simply don't have enough motivation for this, not when I am not fascinated with every detail. Especially since part of what I'll be learning is something I don't believe in-- drugs in excess. Half of what you learn is drugs. Yes, drugs are good, and necessary. But I don't want to learn about drugs, I want to learn about prevention. If I went to medical school, learning about drugs (secondary prevention--after you've already gotten sick) is likely to be more a topic of study than is primary prevention (preventing disease by living healthily and getting care before you actually get sick). I'd have a lot of material to wade through before I actually got to the part I want to.


3. Children are out of the question for a while. When they are actually back in the question, I'll need to quit my job in order to give them proper care. If I was going to never actually HAVE any children, I'd be sad. My children will be the future of me. They'll keep bits of my character and influence and story and take it into the future, after I'm dead. That's what I'm going to do for my mother, and my father, and if I don't have children, they can't take MY mother's and father's memories into the future, either. (Even if they never meet their grandparents, my kids will still be able to carry their morals and ideas.) So... I think it might be tragic not to have kids. Plus, I love to hug and kiss things that are alive--that breathe! I mean, I love to love cute animals and babies and people.


4. Just because I "want to help people" doesn't mean I have to go to medical school. Anything where you get money is usually where you help people with at least SOMETHING. As a linguist or interpreter, I'll be helping people all the time anyway.


5. I want to understand everything? Medical school doesn't get you that, it's only about the human body. Dur. (Teddy says dur. :) )




WHY I SHOULD HAVE A CAREER RELATING TO LINGUISTICS OR INTERPRETATION:

1. Not so hard, especially since the work I'm doing wouldn't take so much motivation, because I already want to do it. I was even going to learn Japanese, Spanish, and German, alongside medical school, simply because I wanted to communicate with people, and I thought it would help my career. (That, by the way, was retarded to think I could do!!! :/ ) Because it's not so hard, I can enjoy myself! Have fun! Take time go shopping! Go on vacation! Explore random hobbies! Go camping! Listen to music even if its distracting because I have time to be distracted!

2. I love words! I learn best with the written word. I like to write, and read, and interpret stuff. When people speak and I'm trying to regain focus, or even if they're just talking normally, I see words go through my head-- the actual words. I'm good at spelling because I visually memorize the shape of a word. I also feel like words invoke feelings, like the word "ANGER" actually looks very angry to me, and is definitely the color red.

3. I've loved languages since I was a little kid--I would try really hard to fake my accent to be British all the time. It was really fun, and I still do it all the time, except it annoys my dad. :)

4. I like to solve people's arguments, solve problems, and negotiate--I'm very motivated to find solutions for peace.

5. This ensures that my career won't be intimidating to a man I'm going to marry! I mean, seriously. Medicine AND piano performance? That's so insanely cool, no one would want to marry me for fear of feeling bad about himself constantly. Okay just kidding. No... I really was worried about it....

6. I actually WANT to do it. I don't shy away from the task of learning a language.

7. I say I want to understand everything-- now language--THAT is comprehension. I love listening to people speak in other languages. I could learn how to do that, and if I made it my career, I could learn SO MUCH!


8. I would likely be traveling, if I got the job that fit my preferences, which I suspect will include getting to travel. I find I'm fascinated with knowing weird things like geography and what time it is in other countries according to their different time-zones. I desperately wish I could teleport to get to places I've never seen, like Paris and Uruguay and in the middle of an Arabian desert. I love architecture, new food, fashion, and I wish I could read foreign literature. Even more, I'm interested in people's history, politics, culture, and sociology.


9. I could have kids. Having kids with a career like this isn't quite the show-stopper that it would be if I was a doctor.


10. I wouldn't HAVE to have job as a leader. If I become good at that sort of thing, fine. But I really do have more fun behind the scenes, at least, a lot of the time. I'd like the option of not having to be so terribly responsible all the time, but more a person who can help out a great deal without getting so much recognition. Being a doctor is a very stereotyped job, and rightly so. You have to be a certain person, totally defined and in control. That's not cool if it's not right for the individual. I'm not that way, I don't think.

CONCLUSION: I might be a good doctor, because I love people and I want to help them, but I think that I have other loves in life that have a stronger pull to me-- communicating with people, and experiencing the world-- that includes travel, people, and music. I can't experience the world if I am inside all day, studying, then become a slave to my job. If I liked my job, that would be one thing, but I love color, and wild abandon, and craziness. I wouldn't be crazy as a doctor, I'd be, to put it simply, REALLY, REALLY BUSY.

Ahhhhh. I really should go to bed! It's now 2:37am. Good night! Oh. ha. Good morning! Very funny okay then. Sigh. Good night. Really!